Top Jokes
167 top jokes and hilarious top puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about top that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
- Short Top Jokes
- Top One Liners
- Bottom And Top Jokes
- Girl On Top Jokes
- Top Shelf Jokes
- Top Of The Mountain Jokes
- More Top Jokes
Funniest Top Short Jokes
Short top jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The top humour may include short tallest jokes also.
- My ten-year-old daughter came up with this at dinner tonight: What do you get if put a copy of Macbeth on top of a dictionary? A play on words.
- The US is having so many disasters and tragedies Youd almost think it was built on top of thousands of ancient indian burial grounds.
- I'm pleased to announce Reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world! The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content
- Difference between a cult and a religion In a cult, there's a guy at the top that knows it's a scam.
In a religion, that guy is dead. - I bet my butcher $1,000 that he couldn't reach the beef on the top shelf without a ladder. He said the steaks were too high.
- A physicist sees a person on the top of a very tall building. "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
- Make fun of Kim Kardashians baby name choice for 'North West' if you want... But that child is going straight to the top...
And slightly to the left... - TIL it's possible to jump without a parachute from the top of the Grand Canyon all the way to the bottom. But not twice.
- I bet my butcher $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said "No, the steaks are too high".
- If apple released iphone 8 and 10 this year Would it release nine eleven next year
Edit : my first 24 hours top 10 thanks all
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Top One Liners
Which top one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with top? I can suggest the ones about finest and ledge.
- The US has placed 18th for math… It sounds bad, I'm just glad we hit top ten.
- What would happen if a piano fell on top of you? You'd b-flat.
- TIL The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we're in the top 10.
- What I if told you… That you read the top line wrong?
- My doctor told me I am anorexic Now I have that to deal with on top of being fat
- Don't ever go to the top of the bell curve. Everyone there is mean.
- I've made an app to loosen the top of a ketchup bottle It's an open sauce project
- I couldn't make it to the top of the tower in France. I fell.
- I was lonely until I glued a coffee cup on top of my car Now everyone waves at me
- Why does Bernie Sanders hate icebergs? Because only the top 1% can stay above water.
- What do you call a gold fish wearing a top-hat? Sofishticated
- What do you call the top wealthiest people in Mexico? The Juan percent.
- Top 13 facts you NEVER knew about non-conductors. #7 won't shock you.
- I cut the top off of Mt. Everest. I only wanted to take a peak.
- I can't put anymore toppings on my pizza... There's not mushroom
Bottom And Top Jokes
Here is a list of funny bottom and top jokes and even better bottom and top puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What has bottom on the top? Legs.
- Bought a deodrant stick today... It said 'remove top and push up bottom'
I can hardly walk but my farts smell lovely. - Don't tell anyone this This is Top Secret
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This is Bottom Secret (Don't tell anyone this either) - Why did the top bun and bottom bun of the Big Mac get in a fight? There was bad beef between them
- Breaking News: Local man hit his wife with a power cell which had its top and bottom coated in electrolytes He has been arrested for a salt-end battery.
- This is top secret... This is bottom secret...
- I'll never forget my Grandfather's last words to me... "no the top one is your iphone charger, the bottom one is my life support." or something like that.
- I graduated top of my class at gay conversion therapy Everyone else wanted to be bottoms
- Whats fat on the bottom, skinny on the top, and has ears? Mountains!
...what? You've never head of mountaineers? - Women tell each other they have "cute tops" all the time. But I tell one woman she has a cute bottom...
Girl On Top Jokes
Here is a list of funny girl on top jokes and even better girl on top puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Pros of my high school years: I graduated top of my class, was voted prom king, and hooked up with the hottest girl in my grade. Cons of my high school years: my twin sister and I were homeschooled.
- I feel sorry for Anne Frank... First she gets her diary published, which is every girl's worst nightmare, but on top of that she doesn't get any money from it, which is every Jew's worst nightmare.
- I got caught looking down a girl's top. I was so embarrassed. I almost slipped off the toilet seat.
- I came across the most beautiful girl i've ever seen today at the supermarket.. She wasn't the least bit happy, even after I offered to clean it all up and buy her a new top..
- I can't believe girls at school can't wear tank tops, it's totally violates the second amendment. Don't they have a right to bare arms?
- I once dated a girl with a twin and people would asked how I could tell them apart. It's really easy. Katie liked to be on top whether Bernie didn't mind either way.
- I like my girls like I like my Hershey Kisses... Round at the bottom, skinny at the top
- Girl, are you a Beyblade? Because you look like a top.
- Girl: If I climbed all the way to the top of Mt. Everest, what'd you give me? Boy: A push
- On a blind date *a few minutes into the date*
Girl: Hey have you seen the new season of Top Chef?
Guy: No, I'm blind.
Top Shelf Jokes
Here is a list of funny top shelf jokes and even better top shelf puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I asked a librarian if there are any books on discrimination against people in wheelchairs. She replied "Yes, it's up the stairs, on the top shelf to the left."
- Midget Discrimination A midget asks the librarian, Do you have any books on midget discrimination? The librarian replies, Top shelf .
- Why should you never store meat on the top shelf of the freezer? The steaks would be too high.
- -Hi, do you have books on midget discrimination? -Yeah, look on that top shelf in the corner
- Let's hear some Confucius Jokes I'll start
Confucius says woman that keeps soap on top shelf will jump for joy. - A midget walks into a bookstore... ...& asks clerk: 'do you happen to have any books on irony.'
The clerk points to a shelf: 'top row.' - midget in the library midget walks into a library and ask do you have any books on irony? the librarian replies sure they are on the top shelf
- Dwarf enters the library "One book on discrimination of dwarves, please." - says the dwarf
"Third row..." - replies the librarian - "top shelf." - I told the butcher I'd give him $10 if he got the meat down off the top shelf. He said he couldn't.... the steaks were too high.
- My grandfather was killed when a book case fell on top of him. The doctor said he died of shelf-inflicted wounds.
Top Of The Mountain Jokes
Here is a list of funny top of the mountain jokes and even better top of the mountain puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call it when you tell a joke on top of a mountain? Peak comedy.
- Why are climbers always depressed when they reach the top of the mountain? 'Cause it's all downhill from there.
- Guy running the ski-lift said it would be $50 to get to the top of the mountain... I said "that's a bit steep."
He said "exactly." - A friend of mine got married on top of a mountain last year. Aye they say it was all downhill from there.
- Why did the mountain top butcher shop go out of business? The steaks were to high.
- I asked a young chap what his life goal was. He said, 'To curse at people from the top of a mountain.'
'Erm,' I frowned, 'really?'
He said, 'Swear down.' - Why won't I ever make a water feature on top of a mountain where a lot of baby horses are buried? My mom taught me to never make fountains out of foal hills
- Tourist: what's the weather like on top of the mountain? Local: I don't know man, climate.
- A man reached the top of the mountain and tells the sage atop it I seek one greater than the meaning of life itself. The sage replies 43.
- I went to the top of the mountain and screamed "I Love you" Echo: "I have a boyfriend"
Howlingly Hilarious Top Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
What funny jokes about top you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean summit jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make top pranks.
Vladimir Putin was being briefed by one of his top generals.
"I've good news and bad news for you this morning, sir."
"Let's hear the good news," the president replied.
"Intelligence reports indicate that the latest additions to the Ukranian arsenal are damaged and outdated, and many won't pose any threat to us at all."
"That's excellent! Finally, things might be starting to turn our way! What's the bad the news?"
The general shifted in his seat and looked down at the table. "A large amount of our best weapons and munitions have just been captured, sir."
Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.
I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.
You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peaceful and silently made my way to bed. But she kept cursing and shouting through the night and well into the next morning.
Please friends, if you can't handle your tea, you should not be drinking it. Please avoid drinking tea.
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "Typical blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
With a very seductive voice, a wife asked her husband, Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?
No said her husband. She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three b**..., reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled $20 note.
She then asked Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up? No, I haven't he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She seductively unzipped her skirt and pulled out a crumpled $50 note.
Now she said. Have you ever seen $40,000 all crumpled up? No way! he panted, becoming even more excited,
She said Look in the garage.
For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle?
Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his b**... red.
What's the loudest sound in the jungle?
Giraffes eating cherries!
(Apologies if you've heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I'll get better material)
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. m**... 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Did Santa get you that?
Cop on horse says to little g**... bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*c**... goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
A little boy caught his mom riding his dad.
The little boy said, Mom what are you doing?
She said, Son, your daddy's stomach is too big so I sit on top to flatten it out.
He said, Aw momma you're wasting your time because when you're not here the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it back up!
A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike...
A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike and says, Did Santa get you that?
Yes, replies the little girl.
Well, says the policeman, tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year, and fines her $5.
The girl looks up at the policeman and says, Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that? The policeman chuckles and replies, He sure did!
Well, says the little girl, next year, tell Santa the a**... goes on the back of the horse and not on top of it.
A drunk driver is being interrogated
Detective : okay buddy, walk me through the whole thing, from the top
Driver : I don't know, it all happened so fast, I need a drink of water..
Detective : Your water is on its way. But first, tell me if this was premeditated.
Driver : NO! I swear, I just lost control of the car and I was gonna either hit that o**... to the left of the road or plow into that open picnic party full of kids that was on the other side of the road. What would you have done!?
Detective : well, I would have turned for the o**...
Driver : Exactly what I thought as well! But then that guy ran into the picnic party and I had to go after him.
A physicist goes to the top of the empire state building and sees a man about to leap to his death
He runs up to him and says, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
Relieved, the man climbs off the edge and follows the physicist down to the street. The physicist then looks at him again and says: "ah... Never mind".
Tom was not home at his usual hour and his wife was fuming.
Finally around 3am she heard a noise at the front door and, as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.
Do you realise what time it is?!? she stammered.
He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house.
Immediately her attitude changed, and running down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked What did you buy for the house, dear?"
Tom answered A round of drinks!"
Little Johnny walks in on his parents having s**........
his father sees him, but instead of saying anything, he gives Johnny a huge grin and thumbs up, then starts to really give it to the old lady. The next night, the father gets up to go to the restroom, and he hears noises coming from Johnny's room. He looks in the door, and Johnny is on top of his grandmother, really giving it to her. Johnny looks at his father, gives him a grin and says, "not so funny when it's your Mom, is it?"
Cop on horse says to little g**... bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d\*c**... goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
"I own a small allotment...", So far I'm the only person I've heard laugh at this joke.
I own a small allotment. Every night someone throws soil in on top of in. I've absolutely no idea why.
The plot thickens.
A rope walked into a bar...
A rope walked into a bar. The bartender said, "We don't serve your kind here! No ropes allowed!" The rope left, tied his top end, and fluffed out the fringe. He reentered the bar, and the bartender said, "Hey! Aren't you that rope I just threw out?" "No," the rope said. "I'm a frayed knot."
Donald Trump is like a marshmallow...
He's easy to roast, a little orange on top, catches fire easily, and will melt down when he gets under too much heat.
Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are discussing their countries, and decide to have a contest to see whose soldiers are more obedient.
They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.
Vladimir Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.
Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cliff. Putin grabs him before he can, telling him not to jump. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!"
Top Biblical experts have reached the conclusion that Adam and Eve were Soviet citizens
They had no clothes, one apple between the two of them and they thought they were in paradise.
Why is Joey Tribbiani a presenter on Top Gear?
It makes no sense, he's not a good driver, he and all his friends are always stuck in second gear
A man and a dog walk into a bar
Both get up on stools and the bartender says "sorry no dogs"
"But my dog can talk"
Bartender: "Prove it"
"Fido, what is the top part of a house called"
Dog: "Roof, roof"
Bartender (annoyed): "You're going to have to do better than that"
"Fido, what is the high grassy part of a golf course called?"
Dog: "Ruff, ruff"
Bartender (more annoyed): "I'll give you one last chance before I throw you out"
"Fido, who is the greatest baseball player of all time"
Dog: "Ruth, ruth"
Bartender throws the both of them out into the street.
Dog: "Maybe I should have said Dimaggio"
Girl, you must be a trash can...
Because I want to t**... top and stick my junk in you.
A taste of what my wife has to deal with
My wife was stepping on my back and she suddenly asked "How do dominatrixs not kill people when they do this with stilettos. Do they have to get certified or classes?"
I told her "The only certification for d**... is a master's degree"
Top tier groan in response.
A Mexican man was visiting America.
He wanted to go to a genuine American baseball game so that when he went home, he could tell his family all about it, but when he got there the game was sold out, so he climbed to the top of the flag pole to get a good look.
"What happened?" asked his family.
"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands, and all the players, stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"
Everyone is trying to climb the ladder to success
And at the top is a guy named Sess, having the time of his life.
I'm already going 75 mph in a 35 zone, stop tailgating me!
Also the blinking lights on top of your car looks s**...
sin and cos are lying down next to each other on the beach
when all of a sudden sin jumps on top of cos. cos shouts "what are you doing?" sin replies, "im trying to get tan."
A man was walking down the street when he heard a distant voice say, "Climb the ladder to success."
The man then noticed a ladder leaning up against the building to his right. Again, he heard the voice: "Climb the ladder to success." The man shrugged and began to climb. The voice kept repeating itself and grew louder as the man approached the top. "Climb the ladder to success." Finally, the man reached the top of the building, where he found a fully n**... man. "Hi, I'm Sess."
An englishman, a Frenchman, a spaniard, and a German
Are all watching a really great street performer who was juggling.
The juggler realized that from where they were standing they couldn't see him very well. So the juggler stood on top of a wooden box. He asks if they can see him now.
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Si"
"Ja"
Which insect is the best at what it does?
Most people think ants or bees, but ya know...flies have really been on top of s**... lately
My buddy signed up for one of those, "learn to be a plumber in 6 weeks" courses you see on TV and his final exam was at 9am today...
He showed up at 3pm, looked at the test paper and said, "Looks like I'm gonna need a pen for this job. I'll have to pop round to my suppliers for one. Be right back."
Graduated top of his class...
Little Johnny and his ball.
Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "mommy mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy's clothes and daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of daddy and started...". The mother cuts him off and says "just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me." Couple hours later the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face shouting "I'm leaving you... Go ahead Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier." Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. "Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door and you both started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off your clothes and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing mom did with uncle joe last summer."
A little boy walks in on his parents having s**....
"Mommy, why are you on top of Daddy?" he says. The mom thinks fast and says "Well, your daddy has a big belly, so sometimes I get on top of him and try to flatten it out." The boy says "well that will never work." "Why?" says the mom. "Because when you go out shopping on Saturdays, the lady next door comes over and blows it right back up again."
A man walks into a barbershop...
...and says, "I want you to cut my hair longer on the left side and shorter on the right side. Make it uneven along the back, jagged in the front, and take out a big chunk right near the top."
The barber says, "I'm sorry, sir, but I can't do that."
The man replies, "Why not? It's what you did last time."
My granddad died at exactly 3:45, and at precisely the same time his grandfather clock stopped.
"That's amazing."
"Not really. That's when it fell on top of him."
A son and his Dad have an intense argument and the son storms off, furious.
Before he gets out of earshot of his father, he yells "Jim Morrison was a terrible singer and an uninspired artist who never did anything worthwhile".
His father cannot believe this insolence, and screams at the top of his lungs "As long as you live in this house, you will never, EVER SLAM THE DOORS"
My dad doesn't really like puns, so we told him our top 10 to see if any could make him laugh...
No pun in 10 did.
Doctor pulls a thermometer out of his top pocket...
"Some a**...'s got my pen"
I just got fired from the grocery store for being too violent...
...all I did was put out a sign that said, "take lettuce from top of pile or heads will roll!"
A man burst into a bar with a revolver on his hand
The man yelled at the top of his lungs
"WHICH ONE OF YOU HAVE BEEN SLEEPING WITH MY WIFE?"
The whole bar went silent, one man stood up and replied
"You're gonna need more than six bullets pal!"
The wife just gave me a massive bollocking for throwing a snowball at our son.
To top it off, I've been banned from the maternity ward
Sir you don't need to be tailgating me I'm already going 55mph in a 35mph zone
And the lights on top of your car look ridiculous
3 mothers-to-be in antenatal class...
The first one says; "I think I'm having a boy because my husband was on top when we conceived" The woman next to her replies "I think I'm having a daughter because I was on top" The woman at the end starts panicking and says "I think I'm having a puppy"
Legs Up
Nina comes home after school and asks her mother "mommy, why do people go to heaven with their legs up?". Mother responds: "I don't think that's true, Nina. Why do you think so?". "Because I just walked past the neighbours house" Nina says "and the lady was screaming 'Oh God, i'm coming', so it was a good thing daddy was lying on top of her, otherwise she would have really gone too!"
A dwarf walks into a bar, he's very, very thirsty.
The dwarf approaches the counter. It's very high up, so he can't see the other side.
He tries anyway and says: "Can I have a Coke please?"
(no answer)
He tries to jump as high as he can, saying "Can I have a Coke please?"
(no answer)
He jumps up and down, saying every time he gets to the top, "Can I have a Coke please?"
(still no answer)
He's fed up, so he goes around the counter, and on the other side...
...he sees another dwarf, jumping up and down saying, "Is Pepsi OK?"
PS: Google tells me that "dwarf" and "little person" are equally non-offensive. Feel free to educate me if it's the wrong term.
I only have only one vice...
and that's to be s**... on top of my dirty workbench.
What's the difference between a cult and a religion?
In a cult, there is someone on top that knows it's all nonsense.
In a religion that person is dead.
A farm worker greets Joseph Stalin at his potato farm
Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God, the farmer excitedly tells his leader.
But God does not exist, replies Stalin.
Exactly, says the farmer. Neither do the potatoes.
My girlfriend and I are trying the whole "long distance relationship thing"
Also, the police say on top of having to stay 100 feet away, I need to stop referring to her as my "girlfriend"
My brother and I used to fight in the pool until the day our mom told us to divide it in half and stay on our side.
I picked the top half.
People think my room is a mess, but it's actually very organized
Everything is sorted by date of last use. If I used it recently, it's on top of something.
I saw a Buzzfeed article about the top 10 ways to execute someone.
Number 3 will shock you.
I had s**... with a woman on top of a keyboard
I made her qwert
Little Johnny is walking down the street and sees a construction site building new houses
He has a look at what's going on and he's amazed and in awe of it all. He rushes home as fast as he can. He runs in and shouts ''Dad, dad, can we play builders?'' His dad says ''Sure Johnny''
Johnny runs to the top of the stairs and shouts ''Oi, get them bricks up here now you c**...''
Two Blondes leave a bar and realize they've locked their keys in the car.
After trying every door, attempting to call someone for help, and further debate, one blonde says to the other I bet I can unlock the doors with a coat hanger! I'll run inside and see if they have one!
The other blonde says Ok, well hurry because it looks like it's going to rain and the top is down!
Europe is like a fridge
You have the freezing cold part at the top
Then in the middle, you have cheese, cold meat, and a good drinks selection
Then down the bottom corner, there's just turkey and grease
Buzzfeeds top 10 list of t**... methods
Number 7 will shock you
A man was trapped under a bench press
A man in the gym was at the bench press when the barbell fell on top of him. Despite them being strong, no one could lift the barbell off of him so the man that was trapped tells someone to call a therapist which they do. When the therapist arrives, he asks the man why he called him and the man says "I need to get something off my chest"
I had my wife dress as a nurse and get on top last night.
That's the closest to healthcare coverage I've had since I was 26.
cries in American
How do you make an art student's car go faster?
Just remove the huge Dominoes sign on top!
Winning the lottery
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
