Tools Jokes

What are some Tools jokes?

A bad workman blames his fools...


**

How is Rihanna's boyfriend and power tools the same?

They're both Black and Decker.

A good workman doesn't blame his fools

\*tools.

Stupid keyboard.

Asked Google how to start a campfire without any tools

It gave me 20 million matches.

Why does no one like the swiss army?

Because they are all a bunch of tools.

Why wasn't the hammer allowed to join the party of seven other tools?

Cause he was tool eight.

A car broke down on a Native Reservation...

...so the driver got out to see what was going on. He lifted the hood, looked in, and noticed there was something wrong with the motor piston. Without any tools or cell service, he sighed, shut the hood and leaned on his car and waited for a passerby. Finally, a truck came around the bend so he waved it down and the truck pulled over. Inside was a few Native Americans, and asked, "what's wrong?"

"Piston broke", he replied.

"So are we. Get in."

A farmer went to a neighbor's...

..., and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door

"Is your Dad home?"

"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

"Well, is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she went to town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'

The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

The Blonde And The Lord

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward! and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,

"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RING!"

Turns out there are TWO Loch Ness Monsters. One of them is quite mean, but the other actually gives away his forestry tools.

A little weird, sure, but it's always nice to see some random axe of Kind Ness.

I work in a machine tools factory,now i can talk more about my job.........

but its mostly boring.

What brand of power tools does Chris Brown use?

Black and Deck Her

A man scuttled out to his garage and began pulling the lawn furniture out onto the driveway.

Shortly after he did the same with the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.

A curious neighbour wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.

No, replied the man. My son just bought his first car and right now he's getting ready for a big date.

So what's with all the stuff? asked the neighbour.

Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him.

I stole some tools from my last kitchen job...

It was a whisk I was willing to take.

Countryside Perspective

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town," said the boy.

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" asked the farmer.

"No, he went with Mom and Dad," the boy answered.

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message," said the boy.

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant.".

The boy thought for a moment, then said, "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the boar, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

2, one to hold the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

For my cake day, my favorite joke of all time: 87

There was a well-to-do businessman walking down a city sidewalk to get to his office, when he came across a construction site; he saw piles of tools and stacks of wood and concrete slabs, but no workers. The only person he saw was a lone worker, jumping up and down on top of a manhole. As the businessman walked closer, he could hear the worker shouting "87! 87! 87!" at the top of his lungs.

The businessman was intrigued. He went up to the worker and asked "why are you doing that?" The worker replied "oh man, it's so much fun, you gotta try it!" The businessman was skeptical, but he decided to humor the strange worker.

He stepped onto the manhole, and did a small hop, and mumbled "87." He jumped a little higher, saying "87. Hey, this is kinda fun!" He started jumping as high as he could, shouting "87! 87! 87! at the top of his lungs, when, at the top of his highest jump, the worker pulled the manhole cover out from under him, and he plummeted all the way down to the sewer.

The construction worker looked down the sewer, looked around, put the manhole cover back on, stood on top of it again, and began to jump.

"88! 88! 88!"

I won't go anywhere near foot hygiene tools...

I hear some of them are pedi files

A German, a Mexican, and a Chinaman

A German, a Mexican, and a Chinaman all come to the U.S. together eager to live the American dream. Ready to work, they go around knocking on doors asking if anyone needs help. An old man answers the door and informs them that he needs a new barn built. The three agree to do it and follow the old man behind the house.

The old man explains what he wants and leaves them to it telling them that they'll find tools in the old barn.

The German takes charge and says, "I'll design it and supervise the job." Points to the Mexican and says, "You'll do the labor and dig the foundation," and points to the Chinaman and says, "You'll be in charge of the supplies."

Immediately the Chinaman takes off. After a little while the German completes the design and the Mexican gets right to work. A little while later the foundation has been excavated and the German and the Mexican look at each other wondering where the Chinaman is with the supplies. About half an hour later, the Mexican climbs out of the hole and joins the German in the search for the Chinaman.

They are look around the old barn and as they're about to round the corner, the Chinaman jumps out with a smile on his face and his hands flailing in the air and yells, "SUPPLIES!"

(My grandpa who passed away last year, famous joke) Why should you always keep your tools out of the rain?

Because nobody likes a rusty hoe

A farmer walked into a hardware store

and while purchasing some tools was asked by the proprietor if he would like to buy a bicycle.
You won't have to keep a bicycle fed, said the storekeep, and you can ride around your farm on it. They're getting cheaper now, and I can let you have one for 35 dollars.
I'd rather put the 35 dollars into a cow, said the farmer.
Well, said the hardware man sarcastically, you'd look almighty foolish riding around your farm on a cow, now, wouldn't you?
No more foolish, I guess, said the farmer, than I would milking a bicycle.

Some of my favorite Scandinavian UFF DA jokes

Ole and Lars were business partners and good friends. One day Lars started off for work and discovered he'd forgotten his tools. Returning home, he looked around for his wife, Lena, and finally found her in the bedroom. To his surprise, she was on the bed with no clothes on. "Vat in the vorld are you doing vidout any clothes, voman?" Lars asked. "Vell, I yust don't have any clothes to vear, dat's why," answered Lena. "Vat you talking about," said Lars as he opened the closet door and began counting: "Vun dress, two dress, tree dress, four dress... Oh, hello Ole... Five dress...

-------–-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

An elderly Norwegian named Lars decided to March to the alter at the ripe old age of 85 with a shapely miss who was only 35. His friends cautioned him about the health hazard involved, saying that the exertion of amour could prove to be fatal. "Vell, dat's the chance I'll have to take," said Lars. "If she dies...she dies."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The nurse told Ole to strip to the waist. So he took off his pants.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lars and Lena and two other couples were being considered for membership in the Trinity Church. The minister explained that one of the requirements was for the couples to abstain from relations three weeks prior to final approval. "When you demonstrate self control, you will be welcomed to membership in Trinity Church," explained the minister.

Two of the couples indicated compliance, so the minister said, "You are now welcomed to the Church."

However, Lars and Lena admitted that on the last day of the three week period, they had succumbed after Lars became aroused when his wife Lena leaned over to pick up a spool of thread that had dropped to the floor.

"I'm extremely sorry," said the minister, "but I have to say that you now cannot be welcomed into the Trinity Church."

"Vell," said Lars, "Ve are not velcome at Sears anymore eeder.."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Swede: When is your birthday?
Norwegian: March 21st.
Swede: What year?
Norwegian: Every year.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ole made a visit to the church on the corner near his home, found a priest and proceeded to make a confession. "Father, I got some tings to tell you about. I had an affair vith da vidow on Oak street last veek. And this veek I been getting togedder vith a coupla married vomen in my apartment."

"Well," said the priest, "for penance you better go home and say 40 Hail Marys."

"Oh, I ain't Cat'lick," explained Ole.

"You're not Catholic?" Exclaimed the priest. "Then, why are you telling ME?"

"Becoss," said Ole, "I'm telling EVERBODY!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A swede was sympathizing with a Norwegian who lost three wives in less that a year. The swede asked how they died.
"Vell, da first vun died from poisoned mushrooms," explained the Norwegian.
"And the second one?" Asked the Swede?
"Same ting...poisoned mushrooms."
"How about the last?"
"Oh her," said the Norwegian, "Fractured skull."
"How?"
"Wouldn't eat her mushrooms."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Judge: You've been brought here for drinking.
Dane: Swell! Let's get started.

A mechanic falls onto his tools...

It was a gut-wrenching experience.

I'm surprised Bob the Builder ever gets anything done

He's surrounded by tools

I suspected my friend of using my carpentry tools without my permission...

And when he bragged he made a new front door decoration, I knew it was a sign.

Only a bad chef blames his tools, Jeremy..

Yeah, but trying to fillet a fish with a spoon just doesn't quite cut it.

You know, Apple really have given us some of the greatest tools of our generation

They're called Apple fanboys.

Misc religion based puns

What do you call a horse who doesn't believe in God?
Hay-thiest

What do you call a pig who believes in the old gods?
A pag-ham.

What do you call a practitioner of Hinduism who solely worships in the morning?
A Hin-dew.

What do you call a caveman unsure it he believes in tools or not?
Ag-no-stick.

I really wanted to make an obscure joke about tools, but awl I could come up with was this one.

Nailed it.

A Farmer Sends his Son to Town for Supplies

He tells him to visit the commons as there are sure to be reputable merchants selling their wares at this time of year.

But on the way the son gets waylaid by a strange man with big flashy signs advertising the latest in imported tools. All his neighbors are also there buying this man's tools, so the farmer's son goes along with what they are doing.

When the son gets home, he tries to fit his oxen with a newly acquired yoke but it doesn't fit right. When he finally gets it on the oxen and tries to plow the field, the yoke snaps in half.

The farmer tells his son "I hope you have learned a valuable lesson. The real yoke is always in the commons."

Did you hear about the surgeon who accidentally swapped his tools with the hospital handyman's?

His last surgery was gut wrenching.

Alan and Philip sit down at the bar

Bar tender asks what can I get you tools?

How many sculpting tools does Snoop Dogg usually use?

Four chisel, my nizzle...

Three men at a bar

Man one turns to the other two and says:
Fellas I think my wife is cheating on me with a Doctor
Man two and three reply:
How do you know?
Man one says:
because I found a Doctor's-medicine bag under the bed
Man two says:
Well Fellas I think my wife's cheating on me with a construction worker
Man one and three reply:
How do you know?
Man two replies:
Because I found construction tools under our bed
Man three says:
Fellas I think my wife is cheating on me with a horse
Man one and two say:
A horse?
Man three says, yeah because I found a cowboy under our bed

I got arrested after I asked the blacksmith for an assortment of murder tools.

They say I'm racist and should say African-American smith instead.

What does a mechanic and a lesbian have in common?

Snap-on tools

Traditionally, orthopedic surgeons were strong and dumb.

But now they have power tools.

A Lil Yachty concert is like a hardware store.

All you see are a bunch of tools.

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to change the bulb, and the second to fill the bathtub with bright purple machine tools, and one more to purchase a squirrel from the apple vendor.

my face popped a vessel during this

I was at work today, just pricing a huge shipment of tools. This random customer comes up to me, he says Hello. I reply with a kind gesture. He then proceeds with this:
Customer "Do you know what a cougar is?"
Me "yep"
Customer "So, you know that there are two kinds?"
I giggled a bit and answered,
Me "Yes"
Customer "do you know what a tiger is?"
I figured he was implying the tiger to be like a cougar(as in an older woman seeking young men) but i wasn't sure.
Me "i don't think so, what is it?"
Customer "Its a cougar with stretch marks!"
I started to laugh pretty hard. Was so taken off guard by his answer that I dropped the manure fork on my boots.
Me "Good show! You my good man, are my favourite for today."
He smiled and I gave him a discount on all his items.

How to catch a polar bear

Needed tools: one can of Jolly Green Giant Green Peas and an ice saw.

Step one: cut a polar bear sized hole in the ice
Step two: drain the juice from the peas and place them one at a time all the way around the hole you just cut in the ice.
Step three: when the polar bear come along to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.

The Doctor & The Plumber

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.


The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!."


The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

Two tools watched TV,

One saw.

The Olive Garden

I was asking the waitress at the Olive Garden about their Slogan 'When you are here, you're Family'?
Then I asked her if I could borrow 50 dollars or some power tools that I promised to return with no real expectations of ever returning them.
I bet she talked bad about me after I left, because that's what families do.

Why do all of the men who prefer their wives making sandwiches in the kitchen work outside in the shed?

Because they're all tools.

A man walked into a hardware store and asked "how much is that thot".

"What?" asks the clerk.

The man pointed to the garden tools. "That hoe over there."

[Dark] I've recently started to make my own vegetables.

I love using all the tools, my favorite is when I get to use the hammer.

I recently watched a plumber performing a gastric bypass surgery using his own tools.

I could hardly make it through the whole thing, it was gut wrenching.

My husband keeps borrowing my kitchen utensils and using them as tools, even though he knows it makes me cross.

He says it's a whisk he's willing to take.

How To Impress Your Boss

1. Show up early.

2. Have all the tools you need.

3. Read the strategy guide.

4. Aim for the big glowing weak spot (usually the eyes).

Whats the difference between a Mexican and a power tool?

Power tools are found inside the Home Depot.

What material do they use to make tools in China?

Thaitanium

My colleagues at work asked where I kept my garden tools....

"Don't you have a shed in your garden?"
"No."
"So where do you keep your lawnmower?"
"She shares the bed with me."

What monsters are all the tools in the toolbox afraid of?

Vampliers

Standing behind a lady at Home Depot. Heard her ask for suggestions for tools to buy her grandson who was studying to be a quantum mechanic.

Lice Technicians who work with substandard tools...

Do their poor working conditions leave them scratching their heads?

Why are power tools good for bank robberies?

They know the drill.

Jin Wong works in construction

He had some of his tools and levels stolen so now he puts his name on his stuff..

Now everywhere I look its just Wong on so many levels..

How do you describe the facial features of a man who shaves with sculpting tools?

Chiseled.

After I do housework I neatly put all the tools away...

... so I don't accidently kick the bucket.

How to make Tools jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Tools to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Tools? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Tools pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes