tools Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious tools stories

What are the best Tools puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Tools? Well here is a complete list of Tools to have fun with:

A bad workman blames his fools...


**

👍🏼

How is Rihanna's boyfriend and power tools the same?

They're both Black and Decker.

👍🏼

Why does no one like the swiss army?

Because they are all a bunch of tools.

👍🏼

A mortician was working late one night.

It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Jones, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Jones had the longest private part he had ever seen.

"I'm sorry Mr. Jones," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screamed. "Jones is dead!"

👍🏼

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

2, one to hold the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

👍🏼

A bad builder blames his fools

*Tools
Fucking keyboard

👍🏼

A German, a Mexican, and a Chinaman

A German, a Mexican, and a Chinaman all come to the U.S. together eager to live the American dream. Ready to work, they go around knocking on doors asking if anyone needs help. An old man answers the door and informs them that he needs a new barn built. The three agree to do it and follow the old man behind the house.

The old man explains what he wants and leaves them to it telling them that they'll find tools in the old barn.

The German takes charge and says, "I'll design it and supervise the job." Points to the Mexican and says, "You'll do the labor and dig the foundation," and points to the Chinaman and says, "You'll be in charge of the supplies."

Immediately the Chinaman takes off. After a little while the German completes the design and the Mexican gets right to work. A little while later the foundation has been excavated and the German and the Mexican look at each other wondering where the Chinaman is with the supplies. About half an hour later, the Mexican climbs out of the hole and joins the German in the search for the Chinaman.

They are look around the old barn and as they're about to round the corner, the Chinaman jumps out with a smile on his face and his hands flailing in the air and yells, "SUPPLIES!"

👍🏼

Some of my favorite Scandinavian UFF DA jokes

Ole and Lars were business partners and good friends. One day Lars started off for work and discovered he'd forgotten his tools. Returning home, he looked around for his wife, Lena, and finally found her in the bedroom. To his surprise, she was on the bed with no clothes on. "Vat in the vorld are you doing vidout any clothes, voman?" Lars asked. "Vell, I yust don't have any clothes to vear, dat's why," answered Lena. "Vat you talking about," said Lars as he opened the closet door and began counting: "Vun dress, two dress, tree dress, four dress... Oh, hello Ole... Five dress...

-------–-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

An elderly Norwegian named Lars decided to March to the alter at the ripe old age of 85 with a shapely miss who was only 35. His friends cautioned him about the health hazard involved, saying that the exertion of amour could prove to be fatal. "Vell, dat's the chance I'll have to take," said Lars. "If she dies...she dies."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The nurse told Ole to strip to the waist. So he took off his pants.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lars and Lena and two other couples were being considered for membership in the Trinity Church. The minister explained that one of the requirements was for the couples to abstain from relations three weeks prior to final approval. "When you demonstrate self control, you will be welcomed to membership in Trinity Church," explained the minister.

Two of the couples indicated compliance, so the minister said, "You are now welcomed to the Church."

However, Lars and Lena admitted that on the last day of the three week period, they had succumbed after Lars became aroused when his wife Lena leaned over to pick up a spool of thread that had dropped to the floor.

"I'm extremely sorry," said the minister, "but I have to say that you now cannot be welcomed into the Trinity Church."

"Vell," said Lars, "Ve are not velcome at Sears anymore eeder.."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Swede: When is your birthday?
Norwegian: March 21st.
Swede: What year?
Norwegian: Every year.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ole made a visit to the church on the corner near his home, found a priest and proceeded to make a confession. "Father, I got some tings to tell you about. I had an affair vith da vidow on Oak street last veek. And this veek I been getting togedder vith a coupla married vomen in my apartment."

"Well," said the priest, "for penance you better go home and say 40 Hail Marys."

"Oh, I ain't Cat'lick," explained Ole.

"You're not Catholic?" Exclaimed the priest. "Then, why are you telling ME?"

"Becoss," said Ole, "I'm telling EVERBODY!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A swede was sympathizing with a Norwegian who lost three wives in less that a year. The swede asked how they died.
"Vell, da first vun died from poisoned mushrooms," explained the Norwegian.
"And the second one?" Asked the Swede?
"Same ting...poisoned mushrooms."
"How about the last?"
"Oh her," said the Norwegian, "Fractured skull."
"How?"
"Wouldn't eat her mushrooms."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Judge: You've been brought here for drinking.
Dane: Swell! Let's get started.

👍🏼

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to change the bulb, and the second to fill the bathtub with bright purple machine tools, and one more to purchase a squirrel from the apple vendor.

👍🏼

The Olive Garden

I was asking the waitress at the Olive Garden about their Slogan 'When you are here, you're Family'?
Then I asked her if I could borrow 50 dollars or some power tools that I promised to return with no real expectations of ever returning them.
I bet she talked bad about me after I left, because that's what families do.

👍🏼

What monsters are all the tools in the toolbox afraid of?

Vampliers

👍🏼

A lady takes her first job

A lady takes her first job as a sales clerk in a hardware store. A man comes in and she asks him "Can I help you". He says "Yes I need to buy a file". Knowing very little about tools she says "Any particular kind?" He says "Yes give me a flat bastard." She becomes upset and tells him "I'll have you know I'm a lady and I will not tolerate language such as that." He finds the correct file and shows her the label that it is in fact a Flat Bastard file. A week later a black guy comes in to the same lady and says "I need to buy a file." The lady having already sold one knows the drill and asks "Would you like a flat bastard?" He said "Nah give me one of those round muthafuckas"

👍🏼

Assume a can opener

A physicist, a chemist, and an economist are stranded on a desert island with no tools and a can of food. The physicist and the chemist each devised an ingenious mechanism for getting the can open; the economist merely says, "Assume we have a can opener".

👍🏼

A bad Workman blames his fools

*tools

Fucking autocorrect

👍🏼

Why are power tools good for bank robberies?

They know the drill.

👍🏼

How do you describe the facial features of a man who shaves with sculpting tools?

Chiseled.

👍🏼

Some power tools come to life and start making friends with people in your neighborhood.

You know the drill.

👍🏼

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are walking through the jungle when they are captured by cannibals.

They are brought before the cannibal chief. He says, 'I have some good news, and some bad news. Bad news is when you are dead, we are going to eat you, use your bones for tools and make canoes out of your skin. Good news is that you choose how you die.'
The Englishman asked for a sword, said 'God save the Queen" and ran himself through.
The Frenchman asked for a gun, said 'Viva La France' and blew his brains out.
The American asked for a fork and started stabbing himself all over till there were thousands of tiny holes spraying blood. The cannibal chief exclaimed 'What the hell are you doing?!?' The American looked up and with his final breath said, 'There goes your god damned canoe'

👍🏼

Engineer Manager joke

Why couldn't the Engineer Manager screw his wife? "Sorry I don't have the tools, I only supervise."

👍🏼

Black widow in my shed

I was gardening today and went to put my tools in the shed. When I opened the door, there was a black widow sitting right smack dab in the center of the floor. After the initial shock, she explained that after her husband died, she made it a hobby to camp out in people's sheds for fun.

👍🏼

Three guys go out to play golf

Just as they are teeing off, a lone player asks if he could join and make the group a four-some. After a couple of holes one of the golfers asks the mysterious man "so what you do for a living?" to which the loner replies "Me? I'm a hitman."

At first the other men were skeptical, but then the Hitman said, "you know I have the tools of the trade right here..." and he proceeded to pull a sniper rifle out of his golf bag, and handed the rifle to one of the guys, the man looked through the powerful scope. "Wow I can see my house from here!" He focused the scope. "Holy shit its my wife, and she's butt-ass naked!...Wait a minute, my neighbor is there too!

The golfer was completely distraught, and he said with some coldness, "Hey Hitman, how much you charge?" "$5,000 a shot" Without hesitation, the man took out a huge wad of cash - "O.K. I want you to shoot my neighbor's dick off so he'll never fuck my wife again. Then shoot my wife's mouth off cause it's always yap-yap-yap-yap-yap and I''ve been trying to shut that hole for years."

The Hitman took aim. He waited.

and waited,

and waited...

Finally, the client said "Hitman, we got some golf to play, you gonna shoot or what?"

The Hitman just smiled and said "I'm about to save you five grand."

👍🏼

Internet Explorer

Developer "tools"

👍🏼

What do you call a bunch of black dudes in a shed...

Antique garden tools.

👍🏼

Husbands are tools

I was lounging in my chair, reading on my iPad, when my wife appeared (seemingly out of nowhere, but I'm guessing from the kitchen) to tell me she was struggling with the lid on a jar (of I don't even know what) and she asked if I could open it. Now I'm no alpha male, but I don't run when asked to open a jar (of I still don't know what) so I accepted the challenge. I struggled for a moment (or four) but then felt the lid start to loosen. I was about to crack a clever joke about married guys having superior grip strength because of all the masturb...and then it hit me, like a ton of soul crushing bricks. You think your wife has relegated you to dry dock to make your life miserable, or as punishment for not being her first choice...but you're wrong. It's actually a very practical decision she's made to ensure you develop adequate grip strength to open a jar of pickles (or whatever the fuck!), every time she asks. Husbands. We're nothing more than a tool in their fucking drawer. Not a particularly sharp one, either.

👍🏼

So there's this guy

A man with no arms and no legs wants to cross a busy freeway in rush hour. He is by himself, and has no tools. How does he get across?
If you can't figure it out, take the "f" out of "free"and the "f" out of "way"

👍🏼

Rob is having a bad day at work...

Rob is having a bad day at work. He's dropping his tools, he's making clumsy mistakes, he's being forgetful and making multiple trips to the supply shed for little things, and he's getting visibly frustrated with himself. Everything that can go wrong, is going wrong, and he's starting to act up.

Finally his boss has had enough and offers him some advice. "Look, I know you're having a bad day. Stuff is getting to you. Whenever that happens to me, I go home on my lunch break and have sex with my wife. When I get back, I'm relaxed, I'm in a good mood, this shit doesn't bother me any more."

So Rob says "Fuck it!" goes off early for his lunch break. An hour later he's back at work, smiling from ear to ear. He's relaxed, happy, and taking it easy and he's flying through his work.

The boss walks over to him, grins knowingly and says "So, you had a good lunch break then?"

"Oh yeah!" says Rob. "It worked a treat. And by the way boss, you got a really nice house!"

👍🏼

What is the worst place to go on Black Friday?

Awnser: Home Depot They have power tools lol

👍🏼

So this general contractor...

Is working on the 5th floor of a new apartment complex, he takes a measurement then goes to his tools for his handsaw, only to see that it wasn't with his stuff. After looking around the floor a bit he steps onto the half-built balcony to look down at his truck. Lo and behold, his handsaw is sitting right on his bumper. He's about to walk downstairs to get it when he sees his apprentice approaching the truck. The boss yells and gets his attention, but the apprentice can't seem to make out what he's saying through the distance and all the sounds of construction.

The boss thinks for a second and starts motioning with his hands: first he points to his eye... "I"

Then he points to his knee..."need"

Then he points at himself and makes a sawing motion with his hand..."my saw"

The apprentice considers for a second, unzips his pants and starts masturbating furiously.

The contractor can't believe his eyes, and stares for 5...10...15 seconds then gets fed up, cursing his whole way down the stairs.
When he finally gets to his truck, the apprentice is still there tugging away.

"WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I SAID I NEEDED MY SAW" fumes the boss

"I know" replied the kid... "I said I was coming"

👍🏼

The Blonde And The Lord

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward! and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,

"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RING!"

👍🏼

For my cake day, my favorite joke of all time: 87

There was a well-to-do businessman walking down a city sidewalk to get to his office, when he came across a construction site; he saw piles of tools and stacks of wood and concrete slabs, but no workers. The only person he saw was a lone worker, jumping up and down on top of a manhole. As the businessman walked closer, he could hear the worker shouting "87! 87! 87!" at the top of his lungs.

The businessman was intrigued. He went up to the worker and asked "why are you doing that?" The worker replied "oh man, it's so much fun, you gotta try it!" The businessman was skeptical, but he decided to humor the strange worker.

He stepped onto the manhole, and did a small hop, and mumbled "87." He jumped a little higher, saying "87. Hey, this is kinda fun!" He started jumping as high as he could, shouting "87! 87! 87! at the top of his lungs, when, at the top of his highest jump, the worker pulled the manhole cover out from under him, and he plummeted all the way down to the sewer.

The construction worker looked down the sewer, looked around, put the manhole cover back on, stood on top of it again, and began to jump.

"88! 88! 88!"

👍🏼

Countryside Perspective

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town," said the boy.

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" asked the farmer.

"No, he went with Mom and Dad," the boy answered.

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message," said the boy.

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant.".

The boy thought for a moment, then said, "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the boar, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

👍🏼

my face popped a vessel during this

I was at work today, just pricing a huge shipment of tools. This random customer comes up to me, he says Hello. I reply with a kind gesture. He then proceeds with this:
Customer "Do you know what a cougar is?"
Me "yep"
Customer "So, you know that there are two kinds?"
I giggled a bit and answered,
Me "Yes"
Customer "do you know what a tiger is?"
I figured he was implying the tiger to be like a cougar(as in an older woman seeking young men) but i wasn't sure.
Me "i don't think so, what is it?"
Customer "Its a cougar with stretch marks!"
I started to laugh pretty hard. Was so taken off guard by his answer that I dropped the manure fork on my boots.
Me "Good show! You my good man, are my favourite for today."
He smiled and I gave him a discount on all his items.

👍🏼

A little girl lives next to a construction site...

Every day she watches the builders making a new house next door, and she's so adorable, after a while they make her an honorary member of the team -- they give her a set of plastic tools to play with and she "helps" from her side of the fence.

Come Friday, all the guys get their pay packets and they make an extra one just for her with a couple of dollars in it.

She proudly takes her pay packet home to her parents.

Her mother says "That's nice, sweetie. And will the house be finished soon?".

The little girl says "Yes, if those cunts deliver the fucking bricks on time".

👍🏼

Some Ho decided to hit me in the face yesterday...

Fucking garden tools.

👍🏼

A bank organized a contest to test it's new vault.

The prize was one million bucks locked inside and the door had to be opened in a 30 second time period when the lights are off. A team from France starts. 30 seconds pass, the lights go on, but they barely have their tools out, the audience is dissapointed. The Germans are next. 30 seconds pass, the lights go on and the Germans are nearly done cracking the door mechanism, but not quite. The audience is impressed. Finally a Polish team has its go. 30 seconds pass, but the lights don't go on. Suddenly there's a voice in the dark:
"Stefan, we're rich, the fuck do you need those lightbulbs for?"

👍🏼

How many random people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to strangle the purple giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub full of power tools.

👍🏼

CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best tools jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty tools gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these tools jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

Can I save Tools jokes? You can do this from the Joko Jokes iPhone app. It is available for free download from the Apple App Store. Like your favorite jokes so we can rank them by their likes count. Every thumb matters for Joko Jokes' rankings.

How to share a Tools joke? You are free to share every Tools joke found on JokoJokes.com, share it on Facebook, Twitter or by email and have fun with friends and family.

JokoJokes