Tools Jokes

100 tools jokes and hilarious tools puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about tools that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Check out these hilarious jokes about fake tools, Snap On tools, Milwaukee tools, and power tools. Whether you're looking for a sturdy kit or a trusty screwdriver, these tools jokes will have you in stitches!

Quick Jump To

Funniest Tools Short Jokes

Short tools jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The tools humour may include short toolbox jokes also.

  1. A guy tried to tell me about a tool that makes holes in hard materials, but I stopped him. I know the drill.
  2. My friend was showing me his tool shed. He pointed to a ladder.
    "That's my step ladder," he said.
    "I never met my real ladder."
  3. I misplaced Dwayne Johnson's cutting tool for the origami workshop... I can't believe I lost the Rock's Paper
  4. Why wasn't the hammer allowed to join the party of seven other tools? Cause he was tool eight.
  5. Dwayne Johnson paid me to clean up and organize his craft room, but sadly, I lost his scrapbook cutting tool. I lost the Rock's paper scissors.
  6. I'm looking for a woman, recently married, recently cheated on , mad or scorned... Who is willing to sell her man's tools for cheap.
  7. Some guy called me a tool... So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.
  8. I work in a machine tools factory,now i can talk more about my job......... but its mostly boring.
  9. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 2, one to hold the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
  10. my friend told me that tool puns aren't funny I said I disagree because I think awl puns are funny

Share These Tools Jokes With Friends

Tools One Liners

Which tools one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with tools? I can suggest the ones about methods and helper.

  1. How is Rihanna's boyfriend and power tools the same? They're both Black and Decker.
  2. Asked Google how to start a campfire without any tools It gave me 20 million matches.
  3. What tool do you use to open an egg? A hatchet
  4. Why does no one like the swiss army? Because they are all a bunch of tools.
  5. some guy told me I was a tool So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend
  6. What is the king of all tools? The Ruler.
  7. What is Snoop Doggs favorite tool for woodworking? A chizzle.
  8. What brand of power tools does chris brown use? Black and Deck Her
  9. Traditionally, orthopedic surgeons were strong and dumb. But now they have power tools.
  10. My brother called me a tool So I got hammered and nailed his wife.
  11. I stole some tools from my last kitchen job... It was a whisk I was willing to take.
  12. Why wouldn't the frog lend his hammer to the mushroom? Because it's a toad's tool.
  13. I won't go anywhere near foot hygiene tools... I hear some of them are pedi files
  14. What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting? He sticks it in Olive Oyl...
  15. What do you call a math tool that supports farming vehicle rights? Protractor

Power Tools Jokes

Here is a list of funny power tools jokes and even better power tools puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My friend didn't take one of his power tools seriously. Luckily it was just a drill.
  • Saw a guy in the power tool department at home depot who looked a lot like Elvis. Returned a sander.
  • What's the pope's favorite power tool? A cathedrill
  • What did the retired power tool take for its allergies? Benadryl.
  • What is the best power tool to love? A Sawzall. Because it will reciprocate.
  • What's Jesus's favorite power tool? A nail gun
  • Whats the difference between a Mexican and a power tool? Power tools are found inside the Home Depot.
  • Sir, we should stop testing our products on animals - Why? All the shampoo companies do it too.
    - yeah, but we make power tools
  • What's a musician's favorite power tool? A Bandsaw
  • What is an astronaut's favorite power tool? An orbital sander

Snap On Tools Jokes

Here is a list of funny snap on tools jokes and even better snap on tools puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What does a mechanic and a lesbian have in common? Snap-on tools
  • How are l**... like mechanics? Snap-On tools.
Tools joke, How are l**... like mechanics?

Howlingly Hilarious Tools Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening

What funny jokes about tools you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean skills jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make tools pranks.

A bad workman blames his fools...


How do you describe the f**... features of a man who shaves with sculpting tools?


What monsters are all the tools in the toolbox afraid of?


How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to change the bulb, and the second to fill the bathtub with bright purple machine tools, and one more to purchase a squirrel from the apple vendor.

Assume a can opener

A physicist, a chemist, and an economist are stranded on a desert island with no tools and a can of food. The physicist and the chemist each devised an ingenious mechanism for getting the can open; the economist merely says, "Assume we have a can opener".

The Olive Garden

I was asking the waitress at the Olive Garden about their Slogan 'When you are here, you're Family'?
Then I asked her if I could borrow 50 dollars or some power tools that I promised to return with no real expectations of ever returning them.
I bet she talked bad about me after I left, because that's what families do.

Why are power tools good for bank robberies?

They know the drill.

Misc religion based puns

What do you call a horse who doesn't believe in God?
What do you call a pig who believes in the old gods?
A pag-ham.
What do you call a practitioner of Hinduism who solely worships in the morning?
A Hin-dew.
What do you call a caveman unsure it he believes in tools or not?

I'm surprised Bob the Builder ever gets anything done

He's surrounded by tools

How To Impress Your Boss

1. Show up early.
2. Have all the tools you need.
3. Read the strategy guide.
4. Aim for the big glowing weak spot (usually the eyes).

Standing behind a lady at Home Depot. Heard her ask for suggestions for tools to buy her grandson who was studying to be a quantum mechanic.

A car broke down on a Native Reservation... the driver got out to see what was going on. He lifted the hood, looked in, and noticed there was something wrong with the motor piston. Without any tools or cell service, he sighed, shut the hood and leaned on his car and waited for a passerby. Finally, a truck came around the bend so he waved it down and the truck pulled over. Inside was a few Native Americans, and asked, "what's wrong?"
"Piston broke", he replied.
"So are we. Get in."

How to catch a polar bear

Needed tools: one can of Jolly Green Giant Green Peas and an ice saw.
Step one: cut a polar bear sized hole in the ice
Step two: drain the juice from the peas and place them one at a time all the way around the hole you just cut in the ice.
Step three: when the polar bear come along to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.

Two tools watched TV,

One saw.

My colleagues at work asked where I kept my garden tools....

"Don't you have a shed in your garden?"
"So where do you keep your lawnmower?"
"She shares the bed with me."

Where does Dracula keep his tools?

The blood shed.

what tools to math teachers use?


Lice Technicians who work with substandard tools...

Do their poor working conditions leave them scratching their heads?

Turns out there are TWO Loch Ness Monsters. One of them is quite mean, but the other actually gives away his forestry tools.

A little weird, sure, but it's always nice to see some random axe of Kind Ness.

[Dark] I've recently started to make my own vegetables.

I love using all the tools, my favorite is when I get to use the hammer.

After I do housework I neatly put all the tools away...

... so I don't accidently kick the bucket.

A Lil Yachty concert is like a hardware store.

All you see are a bunch of tools.

I really wanted to make an obscure joke about tools, but awl I could come up with was this one.

Nailed it.

What material do they use to make tools in China?


I suspected my friend of using my carpentry tools without my permission...

And when he bragged he made a new front door decoration, I knew it was a sign.

Jin Wong works in construction

He had some of his tools and levels stolen so now he puts his name on his stuff..
Now everywhere I look its just Wong on so many levels..

My husband keeps borrowing my kitchen utensils and using them as tools, even though he knows it makes me cross.

He says it's a whisk he's willing to take.

Alan and Philip sit down at the bar

Bar tender asks what can I get you tools?

Only a bad chef blames his tools, Jeremy..

Yeah, but trying to fillet a fish with a spoon just doesn't quite cut it.

I got arrested after I asked the blacksmith for an assortment of m**... tools.

They say I'm racist and should say African-American smith instead.

I could write a perfect book if I had the right tools

All I need is unlimited monkeys with typewriters

A good workman doesn't blame his fools

s**... keyboard.

I recently watched a plumber performing a gastric bypass surgery using his own tools.

I could hardly make it through the whole thing, it was gut wrenching.

A mechanic falls onto his tools...

It was a gut-wrenching experience.

You know, Apple really have given us some of the greatest tools of our generation

They're called Apple fanboys.

The Doctor & The Plumber

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!."
The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

What do you work? I am the Personal Assistant of the Executive Technical Manager.

What does that mean?
I pass tools to the mechanic.

Ben Shapiro is apparently looking for a partner for a hip hop group he wants to start.

He wants to call the duo Pro Tools and makes beats with LOGIC and REASON.

Obscure Phobias 41. What do you call the Fear of Power Tools?

Common Sense.

How many sculpting tools does Snoop Dogg usually use?

Four chisel, my nizzle...

Why do all of the men who prefer their wives making sandwiches in the kitchen work outside in the shed?

Because they're all tools.

A man walked into a hardware store and asked "how much is that thot".

"What?" asks the clerk.
The man pointed to the garden tools. "That h**... over there."

(My grandpa who passed away last year, famous joke) Why should you always keep your tools out of the rain?

Because nobody likes a rusty h**...

Did you hear about the surgeon who accidentally swapped his tools with the hospital handyman's?

His last surgery was gut wrenching.

I built a shelf for my tools right beside my work bench.

Now I can finish projects all by myshelf.

What do you call an actor thats a program?

What do you call a guy thats an actor and a program?
Matt Daemon Tools.

Every time I go biking I find tools on the road.

Most of them are driving cars.

I once dated a workaholic carpenter.

I told her to choose: "It's me or your tools."
She chose the ladder.

For all my life my dad kept messing with the ledge above the fire place, lengthening it, shortening it, sanding it, painting it. But he died last week. After I got home from the f**... I compulsively got my tools out and raised it six inches higher ...

... I guess you could say I've taken up his mantel.

A woman goes fishing...

Just as she's about to get on the boat, the park ranger comes to her and says: "Ma'am, fishing is prohibited here. I'm gonna have to fine you."
And she responds: "But I haven't even started fishing yet."
To which he responds: "But you have the tools, right?"
So she says: "Ok then. If you fine me, then I will accuse you of r**...."
Suddenly bewildered, the ranger says: "But I didn't even touch you."
To which she responds: "But you have the tools, right?"

Tetanus isn't actually caused by rusty objects, but by bacteria in dirt, which we often associate with rusty nails and tools that can introduce the bacteria through wounds.

This is why tetanus vaccines are so important. For anti-vaxxers, that truth could be hard to s**....
Any appreciation for lockjaw puns?

A grandfather sits flustered in his workshop unable to recall where he left his toolbox. He calls over his grandson and asks him, "son, what's the name of the German that keeps stealing my tools?!"

"Alzheimers granddad, Alzheimers."

Looking for a married woman, recently cheated on, mad and scorned

who is willing to sell her husbands tools for cheap.

One of the Saddest Stories I've Ever Heard

The HighSchool Girls National diving team's plane crashed into the ocean, and they washed up on a deserted island.
Physically, the few survivors were unharmed, but as the days past, their minds began to crack as they realized that they had not the tools, knowledge, or materials to build a working diving board and bring some normalcy back into their lives!

But alas… The poor b**... were forced to resort to cannonballism.

The Last Fight

The battle was long, perilous, and gruesome. The twins made it through nearly three quarters of the enemy battalion before reaching the final lines of the fray. They saw the end stretching over the thin horizon.
With their dwindling energy, they let out another strained cry for battle, and lifted their chipped tools, charging nearly head first into death.
The final line proved too brutal for their torn souls, slipping from the elbows of war and plunging hard into the revolting, fetid puddle beneath them.
This is the last time I wear long sleeves while doing dishes.

Over the weekend, I watched a documentary on the proper way to hold hand tools... was gripping.

Based on a true story: I was carrying back gardening tools to the shed and dropped one. My wife yells from behind me.

"Yee haw, it's a h**... down"

Tools joke, Based on a true story: I was carrying back gardening tools to the shed and dropped one. My wife yell

jokes about tools