Tool Jokes
132 tool jokes and hilarious tool puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about tool that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article is sure to bring a smile to any DIYer's face! We've gathered some of the best tool jokes, from funny puns about power tools to witty one-liners about levels and Milwaukee tools. Even apprentice tradespeople can get a chuckle out of these jokes about Dewalt tools and vices. So if you've had a rough day with the lumber or woodworking, take a break and read on to get the funny started!
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Funniest Tool Short Jokes
Short tool jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The tool humour may include short gear jokes also.
- A guy tried to tell me about a tool that makes holes in hard materials, but I stopped him. I know the drill.
- My friend was showing me his tool shed. He pointed to a ladder.
"That's my step ladder," he said.
"I never met my real ladder." - I misplaced Dwayne Johnson's cutting tool for the origami workshop... I can't believe I lost the Rock's Paper
Scissors... - Why wasn't the hammer allowed to join the party of seven other tools? Cause he was tool eight.
- Dwayne Johnson paid me to clean up and organize his craft room, but sadly, I lost his scrapbook cutting tool. I lost the Rock's paper scissors.
- I'm looking for a woman, recently married, recently cheated on , mad or scorned... Who is willing to sell her man's tools for cheap.
- Some guy called me a tool... So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.
- I work in a machine tools factory,now i can talk more about my job......... but its mostly boring.
- How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 2, one to hold the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
- my friend told me that tool puns aren't funny I said I disagree because I think awl puns are funny
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Tool One Liners
Which tool one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with tool? I can suggest the ones about instrument and torch.
- How is Rihanna's boyfriend and power tools the same? They're both Black and Decker.
- Asked Google how to start a campfire without any tools It gave me 20 million matches.
- What tool do you use to open an egg? A hatchet
- Why does no one like the swiss army? Because they are all a bunch of tools.
- some guy told me I was a tool So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend
- What is the king of all tools? The Ruler.
- What is Snoop Doggs favorite tool for woodworking? A chizzle.
- What brand of power tools does chris brown use? Black and Deck Her
- Traditionally, orthopedic surgeons were strong and dumb. But now they have power tools.
- My brother called me a tool So I got hammered and nailed his wife.
- I stole some tools from my last kitchen job... It was a whisk I was willing to take.
- Why wouldn't the frog lend his hammer to the mushroom? Because it's a toad's tool.
- I won't go anywhere near foot hygiene tools... I hear some of them are pedi files
- What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting? He sticks it in Olive Oyl...
- What do you call a math tool that supports farming vehicle rights? Protractor
Power Tool Jokes
Here is a list of funny power tool jokes and even better power tool puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My friend didn't take one of his power tools seriously. Luckily it was just a drill.
- Saw a guy in the power tool department at home depot who looked a lot like Elvis. Returned a sander.
- What's the pope's favorite power tool? A cathedrill
- What did the retired power tool take for its allergies? Benadryl.
- What is the best power tool to love? A Sawzall. Because it will reciprocate.
- What's Jesus's favorite power tool? A nail gun
- Whats the difference between a Mexican and a power tool? Power tools are found inside the Home Depot.
- Sir, we should stop testing our products on animals - Why? All the shampoo companies do it too.
- yeah, but we make power tools - What's a musician's favorite power tool? A Bandsaw
- What is an astronaut's favorite power tool? An orbital sander
Tool Shed Jokes
Here is a list of funny tool shed jokes and even better tool shed puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Someone told me I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed What does that mean?
- My dad says I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed. But he also says atleast I've got the being a tool part down to a science!
- Why do all of the men who prefer their wives making sandwiches in the kitchen work outside in the shed? Because they're all tools.
- My colleagues at work asked where I kept my garden tools.... "Don't you have a shed in your garden?"
"No."
"So where do you keep your lawnmower?"
"She shares the bed with me." - Why did Ottis Toole say to Henry Lee Lucas after he got caught? I ain't the sharpest Toole in the shed
- When I was younger I misheard the song lyrics as "I ATE the sharpest tool in the shed"... I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed
- My friend told me I wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed. I told him I'm not a tool or in a shed. Sure showed him.
- Where does Dracula keep his tools? The blood shed.
- I'm not the brightest shed in the tool But you definitely read that wrong
- A blonde is like a hammer Not the sharpest tool in the shed
Level Tool Jokes
Here is a list of funny level tool jokes and even better level tool puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Jin Wong works in construction He had some of his tools and levels stolen so now he puts his name on his stuff..
Now everywhere I look its just Wong on so many levels..
Comical Puns & Laughs: Enjoy Fun, Witty Tool Jokes with Friends.
What funny jokes about tool you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean machine jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make tool pranks.
Why did every tool in the workshop want to get with the sandpaper?
...because it was super-fine!
What is the best tool for getting a handle on your gambling addiction?
A vice grip.
How did they get John McAfee out of guatemala?
McAfee Removal Tool
What do u get when u mix a d**... and a tool?
Scottsdale.
Victorinox, the makers of Swiss Army knives, recently branched out into the medical supply business after developing a universal tool fit for every hospital ICU.
Their marketing slogan: "For all intensive purposes."
Did i tell you that someone hit me over the head with a power tool the other day?
Minding my own business, then next minute b**....
My summer job
So last year I had a job m**... on webcams for money. My stage name was The Helpful Tool because I always came in handy.
Want a screwdriver?
Rich woman and her driver are out in the country. They get a flat tire, and of course the driver can't get the hubcap off. The woman searches the tool bag, and spies a tool that will help. "You want a screwdriver?" she asks.
"Might as well, I can't get this d**... hubcap off."
A blonde woman locks her keys inside her car...
And so she calls a locksmith to open it. When the locksmith (who is also blonde) gets there she pulls out her Slim Jim tool to open the door when she notices a problem, the driver side window to the car is wide open.
The locksmith looks to the driver and says, "Ma'am I can't use this tool on a door when the window is open, you're going to have to close it first."
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I met this kid named Dewalt
What a tool.
A fellow worker just sent an all office memo: "Has anyone seen my screwdriver? I really need my screwdriver!"
I wrote back: "Meet me at the tool bar. I'll buy you a double."
What's the one type of unsafe tool that most unions are OK with?
Burny sanders
What is another name for a Nissan Cube?
A tool box.
I have a gardening tool that I use to dig up large amounts of treasure
So yeah, I got a big b**... h**...
What is the most popular hacking tool preferred by hackers in bangladesh?
machetes
Two tools watched TV,
One saw.
What do you call a dolphin that cheats on his girlfriend?
A multi-porpoise tool!
Given the choice between reaching for things and using a tool to climb to them...
I'd prefer the latter.
Knowledge is knowing that papers are best written with alcohol and edited with caffeine.
Wisdom is realizing that this does not make a Jagerbomb a study tool
What do you call something that divides the North and South hemispheres, is just an imaginary organizational tool, and nobody really knows when it ends?
Winter.
My girlfriend was giving me my first pedicure
I asked her if the tool she was using to rub my feet was called a pedofile.
What do you call a bottle that eats pliers, screwdrivers, and hammers?
A tool eater bottle.
Why'd the tool go to the bar?
He wanted to get hammered and find someone to nail.
I don't waste my hate on people. I only hate objects.
Good thing my ex is a tool
What makes the band Tool s**... liars?
They fib'n'naughty
Who hosts the tool awards?
Emcee Hammer
How do you know when a guy is a tool?
When he nuts and bolts
This term for a long-handled gardening tool
...can also mean an immortal pleasure seeker. What is it?
A h**...?
No! It's a rake.
I like rock bands named after their lead singers
Like Marilyn Manson, Alice Cooper, and Tool.
I've made a tool that will fix itself when it breaks...
as long as it isn't broken of course.
I was in a love triangle with my girlfriend and a tool. I told her she had to choose. Me or him.
She chose the ladder.
TIL of a Nine Inch Nails and Tool collaboration project that never made it to the studio because of union issues
It was called Unlicensed Carpentry
Why doesn't Popeye need l**...?
Because he has Olive Oyl..
Bonus:
What does Popeye do to keep his favourite tool from rusting?
He sticks it in Olive Oyl.
What tool do you use for a circumcision?
Circumscissors
The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front door.
Lady, he announced, I'm the piano tuner.
The lady exclaimed, Why, I didn't send for a piano tuner.
The man replied, I know, but our neighbors did.
Why does the rabbi prefer windows to Mac?
Because windows has a built-in snipping tool.
My favorite band is Three Doors Down
I'm pretty excited, I never expected Tool to stay in a dump like this!
I saw my neighbour gluing his drill back together.
What a complete tool.
Which common kitchen tool would drink your blood if it could?
*Spatula*
Why did the busy tool delivery-man enter to brothel?
He needed to drop off his nut, and bolt.
A man from East Kent
There once was a man from East Kent,
Whose tool was so long that it bent.
To save her some trouble,
he folded it double.
And instead of coming, he went.
What's a jew's favourite program on Windows 10?
The snipping tool.
My friend asked me what my favorite tool was
I told him it was a jackhammer
He asked why
I said i liked it because it was a ground breaking invention
Maynard James Keenan has been accused of s**... assaulting an underage girl in 2000
What a tool
I heard Incels are working on their own version of a pride parade.
It's called the "Tool World Tour 2018".
Yesterday at work this huge measuring tool stopped working and we had to call maintenance to have it fixed...
It was a large scale operation.
I was attacked last night in the street by a bloke with a power tool.
There I was just minding my own business then b**...!
Did Stormy say it looked like a toadstool or
a toad's tool ?
I came up with a new circumcision tool
It's cutting edge technology.
Why do shovels hate digging up metal?
Because of the irony
Sorry I guess you couldn't handle the joke
I'm gonna dig up some more
I'll s**... you of any more puns
If you couldn't sit through that you're a tool
(Please don't steel this joke it took me a long time to come up with it (credit to u/ImToastedBruh for the steel part))
A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.
The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees.
How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees? he asks himself.
Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn't work properly.
Hmm, it looks okay, says the server, and starts the chainsaw.
The man jumps back in shock and cries, What's that noise?
What do you call a tool used by a Polish combat medic?
A Warsaw
My rapper friend has started a really successful gardening tool delivery business.
He's got h**... in different area codes.
What is a sheep's favorite office tool?
A lamb-inator
What do you call an unexpected pruning tool?
A non-secateur.
What are two things that you can see in the photo op at St John's church?
One is a glorified tool that is no longer relevant, but still widely used by radical christians to persecute homosexuals, degrade women, prohibit freedom, and rationalize war on non-believers.
The other is the bible.
What's Snoop Dog's favourite tool?
A chisel
Some f*cking lunatic just hit me over the head with a power tool!
I was just minding my own business when from out of nowhere... b**...!
Guy calls me names
Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.
A pencil isn't my favorite writing tool...
...but it's a solid number 2
You've asked for more Russian jokes...
The sewer system is broken and is full of s**.... Maintenance crew arrived. The old experienced guy jumps into the sewer and asks the young apprentice to pass him a tool, then another one. Finally, after it's fixed, he gets out of the sewer, covered in s**... from head to feet and says:
"Learn from the master, otherwise the only thing you will ever do is pass the tools!"
What is the smartest tool?
A thermometer because it has so many degrees
What is in the r**...'s toolkit?
- Duct tape
- WD40
- Coathanger
These solve every problem around the house and in the family.
