Tony Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Why are so many Italian men named Tony?

When they ship them over from the Old Country, they stamp "To N.Y." on them...

Two women are discussing their love lives

Jo says: "I have to be careful not to get pregnant."

Jenny looks confused. "But I thought Tony recently had a vasectomy."

"He did." says Jo. "That's why I need to be extra careful."

"Tony, can you spell your name backwards?"

Tony: sure... y not

Tony Romo just tried to kill himself

The bullet was intercepted

Right and Wrong

Mrs Cameron, a primary teacher, was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.

"All right children, let's take an example," Mrs Cameron said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"

Little Tony raises his hand, and with a confident smile says, "You'd be his wife."

Grandmas don't know everything.........

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse , darling.

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse . It's called Bunk Beds.

And Jimmy 's mum wants to talk to you.'

Afterlife for IRS Cheaters

Tony and his friend John die in a car accident and go to judgment. God tells Tony that because he cheated on his income taxes, the only way he can enter Heaven is to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years.

A few days later, as Tony's walking in the park with his stupid, hideous new girlfriend, he spots his friend John with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous woman. "John, what happened?" Tony asks.

"I have no idea," John replies. "I was told I have five years of amazing sex to look forward to. The only thing I don't understand is why she always yells 'Damn income taxes!' whenever we have sex."

Anthony arrived home from work one day, only to find his wife totally stressed out because their kids had been running wild all day...

She asks him if he would please take them out for a pizza.

He agrees, tells the kids to go out to the garage and to wait in the car, following behind them.

A few moments later, the wife hears two loud bangs.

Tony comes back into the house and asks, "Where's my pizza?"

A Foot And A Half

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.

Don't worry, Maria, says the mother, all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!

Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.

So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!

Stay here and stir the pasta, says the mother.

This is a job for Mama.

How much does it cost to kill Tony Stark's parents?

Just one buck.

I was sexually assaulted by tony the tiger today.

I'm pushing charges for rrrrrrape.

Tony, a man of criminal reputation, goes to a confession.

Tony, a man of criminal reputation, goes to a confession and tells the priest a couple of mild sins.

"Is that all?" asks the priest, surprised.

"Yes, that's it. There are no more sins."

"And who steals apples from my garden?" asks the priest.

"Father, the acoustics in here are terrible, I can't hear a word you say!" claims Tony.

"What do you mean? Tell me who steals my apples!" demands the priest.

"Everything you say, I can't comprehend it in here! Let's switch places if you don't believe me!" suggests Tony.

The priest comes into the chamber where Tony sat and Tony into where the priest sat.

"Father, who lies with my wife when I'm not at home?" asks Tony.

"You're right, Tony, the acoustics in here are indeed terrible," agrees the priest.

Why are a lot of Italians named Tony?

Because as they got on the boat to leave Italy, they were stamped on the head, "TO NY".

What do you call someone with no shins?


Which car will you get in heaven?

Three guys are standing in heaven, their names are Greg, James, and Tony. They are at a car dealership, and an angel asks them "were you faithful to your wives?" Greg answers "yes, I never cheated on my wife." He is given a new Lamborghini. The angel then asks James if he ever cheated on his wife. He says "once, and I am ashamed to admit it." He is given a Toyota Corolla. The angel then asks Tony, and he says "yes, lots of times." He is given an old Morris Marina.

A few days later, Tony sees Greg sitting on a park bench, and Greg is crying. Tony Asks Greg "you were given a Lamborghini the other day, why are you crying?" Greg responds "I just saw my wife, they gave her a pair of roller skates."

Why did Tony the Tiger go to prison?


Tony Romo was depressed after yesterday's loss.

He was so upset he got his gun, pointed it at his throwing hand, and pulled the trigger.

He's OK, The bullet was intercepted.

Queen of England

Obama was talking to the queen of England and he asked her how she runs her country so well. The queen replies quite simply that she chooses the best people to run it. Obama considers this for a moment and then asks, "how do you ensure that they are the best people for the job?" The queen answers that she quizzes them, and as an example she calls in Tony Blair. She asks him, "your parents have a child; it's not your brother it's not your sister, who is it?" Tony replies "well of course, it's me". Obama thinks this is smart so he repeats the question to Joe Biden. Biden runs around Washington all day trying to find an answer but no one can figure it out. Finally he comes to the Attorney General and asks him, "your parents have a child; it's not your brother it's not your sister, who is it?" The general replies "of course, it's me". So Biden goes back to Obama and says "it's general so and so", Obama replies, "no you idiot, it's Tony Blair"!

For the Australians out there!

Tony was at school this morning when the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came out: Policeman, Fireman, Salesman, etc. But Tony was being uncharacteristically quiet and so teacher asked him about his father.

'My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.'

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little tony aside to ask him if that was really true.
'No' said Tony, 'He plays cricket for Australia, but I was just too embarrassed to say'.

People on a plane

Bill Gates, Tony Blair, an old man and a schoolchild are on a plane, when the pilot bursts out of the cabin

"The plane is about to crash, and there are only four parachutes. And one of them is mine!"
The pilot jumps out of the plane with the parachute

Tony Blair stands up, grabs a parachute and says
"I was Prime Minister of the UK, I deserve to live!"
He jumps out of the plane

Bill Gates stands up and says
"I am the smartest man alive, I should survive"
He grabs a parachute and jumps out

The old man turns to the child and says
"There is only one parachute left, I am old and have lived my life, you take it"

The child replies
"No need, Bill Gates just jumped out with my backpack"

A fantastic joke from local English comedian Tony Wallace

A man rings his gran and asks how her doctor's appointment went.

"He hit on you? No Gran, I'm sure he was just being nice."

A few seconds pause.

"No Gran, he said you had acute angina."

Tony was in court filing for divorce just few months after marriage

Tony married one of a pair of identical twins.

A few months later, he was in court filing for a divorce.
"Would you tell the court your reason for wanting a divorce," the judge said.

"Well, Your Honor," Tony began, "periodically my sister-in-law would come over
for a visit and because she and my wife are identical,
occasionally I'd end up making love to her by mistake."

"I understand they're identical twins, but surely there must be some difference
between the two women," said the judge.

"Precisely, Your Honor," replied Tony "That's why I want a divorce."

Tony Stark wasn't crying

There was just some Peter Parker in his eye.

A larger-than-life character, Big Tony, walks into a bar.

Big Tony orders a drink. He bellows out, "when Big Tony drinks, everybody drinks!" The patrons of the bar all rush to get served their favorite tipple.

Then he orders some food. "When Big Tony eats, everybody eats!" Suddenly the kitchen is overwhelmed.

He places a twenty on the bar, and as he walks out, he bellows "When Big Tony pays, everybody pays!"

Tony Stark and Pepper potts are sitting in bathtub feeling Happy..

... Suddenly Happy felt disgusted and left.

Those people who are against gay marriage and say...

''In Genesis it was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve'', are so narrow minded..

Everyone knows that in Genesis it was Phil Collins, Tony Banks and Mike Rutherford..

What did Tony Abbott (Prime minister of Australia) do with the half-eaten banana?

He re-peeled it.

PR manager, philosopher, translator and a journalist walk into a bar

The Bartender says: "Hey Tony! Four bachelor's degrees, but still no luck finding a job?"

My truck is a lot like Tony Romo.

It will turn over, but the clutch doesn't work.

What does Link have in common with Tony Stark?

They both like smashing pots.

Did you hear about the actor who only won an award because of the Italian mafia?

It turns out they really know how to rig a Tony.

Little Johnny makes class awkward again

Teacher asks kids to come up and draw something that is important in their lives. First kids goes up to the board and draws a firetruck and explains his dad is a firefighter. Next kid goes up and draws a skateboard and explains he loves to skateboard and wants to be like Tony Hawk. Little Johnny goes up to the board and draws a little dot on the board. Teacher asks him what it is. "It's a period." Teacher asks why it's important. "Well, my sister missed one and my whole family is excited."

Why are Italians named Tony

Cause when they were shipped to the US, they were stamped "TO NY" on their foreheads.

Tony Stark's drag queen name.

Fe Male.

What do you call a man with no shins?


I found a bug in Madden 2015

I sacked Tony Romo, and he didn't break his collarbone.

Why are so many Italians named Tony?

Because on the boat over to America their shirts said To N.Y.

I am extremely offended by the song "God is Dead" by Black Sabbath. How can Ozzy Osbourne possibly sing that?

...when Tony Iommi is standing right next to him, alive and well.

Tony Romo, Michael Vick, and Eli Manning walk into a bar... watch the playoffs.

How does Tony Stark keep his clothes wrinkle-free?

Iron, man.

Trump allegedly had an affair with Tony the Tiger.

When reached for a comment, his response want typical: "Nope, not true. Flake news."

What do you call a guy with a toe growing out of his knee?


You must be a Tony Hawk game

because when I'm with you, I'm Neversoft.

What do you call a man with no ankles


My favorite pick-up line:

Hey girl, my name is Tony. You know what that is backwards? Y not.

Did you hear the Coco Pops monkey was recently murdered?

Tony the Tiger, Snap, Crackle and Pop all got killed too.

Police think its the work of a serial killer.

My Evangelical friend is boycotting the Avengers movies, because they feature a trans gender super hero.

Confused, I asked him what he meant, and he replied "because Tony Stark loves to turn into a Fe-male."

What did T'Challa ask Tony Stark about his suit?

Wakanda suit do?

What is Tony Romo's favorite lottery game?

Pick Six

Did you hear? Tony Romo tried committing suicide after yesterday's game...

But the bullet was intercepted.

Little Tony was the son of a well respected Mob boss.

One day, the Mob boss decides he wants to test his son to see if the boy has what it takes to lead the family business. "Little Tony," he asks. "If you received stolen money, and you were looking for a place to hide it, where would you stash it so the cops could never get it?"

Little Tony thinks for a moment, then says, "I'd put it in a casino."

Delighted, the Mob Boss exclaims, "Magnificent answer! How did you know to launder your money through the casino?"

"Well," Little Tony says, "At school, we just learned the U.S. Constitution protects us from police conducting unreasonable searches in Caesar's.

You know what they're gonna say when Tony Hawk dies?

Tony Hawks Underground

Did you hear about the Italian that wanted to cheat the Broadway award voting?

He wanted to rig a Tony.

Press Release: "Big thank you to Adrian Peterson and Ray Rice"

Tony Stewart's PR Team

What do women and Tony Stark have in common?

They are both Fe Males.

Did you hear about the time Tony Soprano went shopping for a cherry and a hand grenade?

Bought a bing. Bought a boom.

Who is the most gender confused superhero?

Tony Stark, because he identifies himself as Iron Man when actually he's a *fe*male.

Congratulations Tony Romo.

For finally making it to the Super Bowl.

Why are so many Italians named Tony?

Because when they left the old country, immigration officers put a sticker on their lapel that read To NY.

What car brands mean

Ford-Flipped Over Rebuilt Dodge

Pontiac-Plan On Numerous Trips In Another Car

Fiat- Fix It Again Tony

Chevrolet-Cracked Heads, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time

Nissan-Needless Innovations, Silly, Stupid, Automotive Nonsense

GM-Gluteus Maximus

GMC-God's Mechanical Curse

LTD-Long, Thin Dumpster

Oldsmobile-Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.

Did you hear ISIS blew up their first Italian recruit in a suicide bombing today?

They decided to rig a Tony

Why are all italian men named Tony

Because when God made them he stamped TO NY on their foreheads

If Tony Romo was a potato, what would his job be?


What does FIAT stand for?

Fix It Again Tony

What do you call a man who has had his calves removed and the ends of his feet surgically reattached in their place?


What are the funniest tony jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Tony? Well, here are the best Tony puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Tony pick up lines to share with friends.

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