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Tons Jokes

116 tons jokes and hilarious tons puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about tons that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Read thousands of hilarious jokes and one-liners. Get buttloads of them, or even a shitload. Our collection has tons of jokes, tons of bad ones, and everything in between. Laugh your heart out with us!

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Funniest Tons Short Jokes

Short tons jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The tons humour may include short sons jokes also.

  1. Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud.. But when a girl sleep with tons of guys, somehow I'm not one of them.
  2. I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa. Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.
  3. What's heavier, a ton of brick or a ton of feathers? A ton of feathers. Because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
  4. I love you honey pie, my wife said earlier. And I love you tons, I replied. What, no nickname for me? She asked.
    Sometimes I swear she's going deaf.
  5. What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers? The feathers.
    Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
  6. Dunno what this WiFi dude did But I've seen a ton of bars and restaurant demanding his freedom lately
  7. I used to go to Weight Watchers to meet women. There were tons of girls there, just not very many.
  8. I can't lift a ton of chicken soup but I can lift a ton of pho. Because a pho ton is light.
  9. Contrary to popular belief, in Engineering, you do meet tons of women... Just not very many
  10. There are tons of girls in my software engineering class... ...just not very many of them.

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Tons One Liners

Which tons one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with tons? I can suggest the ones about tone and nuts.

  1. I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup. It was Won Ton.
  2. How many of the phrases in English are palindrome? Not a ton
  3. Forward, it's heavy. Backwards, it's not. What is it? A ton
  4. What is heavy forwards and not backwards? ton
  5. I have a ton of jokes about retired people. None of them work.
  6. God must be black He has tons of kids yet no one has ever seen him
  7. How much does 2000 pounds of Chinese noodles weigh? Won Ton
  8. How much does a Chinese dumpling weigh? It weighs
    *Won-ton*
  9. I ordered 1000 kg of Chinese soup It was won ton.
  10. I just saved a ton on car insurance.... By fleeing the scene.
  11. I used to perform circumcisions for a living. I got tons of tips.
  12. What's the internal temperature of a Ton-ton? Lukewarm
  13. People who take tons of photos of themselves Have no selfie control
  14. How do you farm a ton of karma? Piece of cake
  15. What's 2000lbs of Chinese soup called? Won-ton

Tons Of Bad Jokes

Here is a list of funny tons of bad jokes and even better tons of bad puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Dab ton. It's admittedly not the best joke, but it's not bad if you read it backwards.
  • I was thinking it might be a good idea if we buried Donald Trump in a few tons of concrete... ... but that might set a bad president.
  • How much rest does a bad Sheppard get? Not a ton, he has a lot of sheepless nights.
  • I've been making bad decisions lately and hooking up with tons of ugly people. I know it's not healthy, but my life is a joke and comedy comes in threes.
  • Whenever you think of something bad, like massive numbers of people dying or automation making tons of people jobless, cheer up! Think of the savings!

Tons Of Jokes

Here is a list of funny tons of jokes and even better tons of puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • How much do all the bone in the human body weigh? A Skele-Ton. Thanks, I'll see my way out.
  • Which weighs more, a ton of steel or a ton of feathers? A ton of feathers, because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
  • I have tons of LGBTQ friends, so I asked them what LGBTQ meant. I couldn't get a straight answer
  • I just saved a ton of money on my Christmas shopping by expressing my political views on facebook.
  • What does 2,000 pounds of Chinese food weigh? Won ton.
  • I hate how if a guy sleeps with a ton of girls hes a legend But when a girl does it, its my wife.
  • How much does the Great Wall of China weigh? Wan-ton
    Sorry
  • What is 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? Won ton.
  • Did you hear about the haunted hair salon? I heard a ton of people have dyed there
  • What do you call a Spanish toilet that weighs 2,000 pounds? El Ton John
Tons joke, What do you call a Spanish toilet that weighs 2,000 pounds?

Tons joke, What do you call a Spanish toilet that weighs 2,000 pounds?

Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Tons Jokes

What funny jokes about tons you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean cents jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make tons pranks.

Can you write a whole paragraph without the letter A?

I wouldn't recommend it.
Honestly, your sentences willl just sound wrong.
Everyone will notice you're doing something
different. Your writing won't flow smoothly. You'll
use weird words.
It's not worth the effort involved in spending
time online looking up tons of synonyms which
don't feel right, just to produce weird, stilted
prose.
You'd be better off giving up, to be honest.

"I love you lots snuggles" said my girlfriend

"And I love you tons" I replied.
"Wow fine, you don't have a nickname for me?" She said angrily.
Sometimes I swear the fat c**...'s going deaf.

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:
"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages s**... b**... and violence."
OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?

The state trooper is driving down the highway when...

he sees a truck driver pull over, walk to the side of his truck with a tire jack, bang on the side of the truck several times, and then drive away. Two miles down the road he does the same thing. Another two miles, same thing. The trooper pulls the truck over and asks the truck driver to explain and the driver says "The load limit is ten tons, and I'm carrying fifteen tons of parakeets, so I've got to keep some of them flying around."

The Titanic and mayonnaise

What a lot of people don't know about the Titanic was that it was carrying a large shipment of mayonnaise to Mexico. In fact, the Mexican people were overjoyed to be receiving this fine delicacy.
Sadly, as we all know, the Titanic tragically sank, sending its many tons of mayonnaise to the bottom of the ocean. The Mexican people were saddened by this event, and dedicated an annual event to the remembrance of the mayonnaise
We call it Cinco de Mayo

A North Irish girl lives with her grandmother...

and they find that they are running very low on money. The girl tells her grandma,
"I'm going to head off south to find work, I'll come back with money. I promise."
The girl is gone for many months, and when she returns home she has tons of money! The grandmother is overjoyed and says,
"How did you make all this money, child?"
The girl says in a hushed voice, "Well, I was a p**... grandma."
The grandmother looked enraged, "What did you say?!"
"I was a p**..., grandma! I'm sorry."
The grandmother calms down, "Oh thank God! I thought you said you were a protestant!"

Study finds Washington state residents consumed 175 metric tons of p**... in 2013 (real news)

As a result, the state is changing it's slogan to "Whoa Dude."

My friend told me that each person creates 10 tons of CO2 a year, and said I should be taking steps to bring that number down

so I shot a guy.

Want to know how to make tons of people mad real fast?

your about to now how.

Joe moves into a new neighborhood

One day, he is outside. His neighbor comes over, introduces himself and says " I'm throwing a party tonight, why don't you come?"
Joe asks what kind of party it will be, and the neighbor tells him "This party is going to be awesome! There's gonna be beer, gambling, and TONS of s**...!"
"Sounds like a great party," replies Joe. "What should I wear?"
"It doesn't matter, man," says the neighbor. "It't just gonna be YOU and ME."

80-year-old's joke overheard at Costco food court

Have you ever seen geese flying in a v formation? Often one side of the v will be longer than the other. Do you know why?
...
There are more geese on that side of the v.
---
This old man was dropping tons of jokes in the Costco food court. A few were pretty funny.

Newspaper ad - RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:

1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"
"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."
The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

I've heard the best place to network for a job is at a fat camp

You meet *tons* of people

How do you make an elephant float?

Take one elephant, two tons of ice cream, and one ton of soda. Blend.

My buddy invited me to a party at his place, saying "tons" of people would be coming.

It turned out to be pretty lame. When I arrived, his place was dead silent and he seemed to be the only person there.
However, I checked the living room and found he hadn't lied; your mother was sitting on the couch.

You remember when you were a kid, you had tons of fun blowing bubbles in the bathtub?

I saw Bubbles the other day, he told me to say "Hi!".

What did one tonsil say to the other?

Get dressed, the doctor is taking us out tonight!

Did you know that space has tons of alcohol floating around in it?

It's Stellar Artois

My city has been putting in tons of toll booths. Yesterday I had to pay ten cents before they'd let me pass through an intersection!

At least I was able to turn on a dime.

I say this to girls at the bar, gets tons of laughs everytime.

"So, what's your number?"

I wonder if poor kids in Africa dream of a white christmas?

Like spending time with your whole family, getting tons of Xboxes and play stations. Heaping servings of food, etc.

Tons of hot girls in my neighborhood stopped talking to me.

I guess they find ad-block really unattractive.

I only date Chinese women...

They are used to seeing tons of red flags

An Investigator would also be a good name for a crocodile with tons of venture capital.

FYI, i know the difference between the two but it doesn't sound right with a word echo.

Went in for a tonsillectomy. Surgeon did a frontal lobectomy instead. I complained...

... really gave 'em a piece of my mind!

Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?

In 2015 humans consumed 65 million tons of bananas and only 8 monkeys.

The FBI made a big m**... bust recently.

The took the approximately 2 tons of w**... to a landfill and had it incinerated. However, the EPA stepped in and showed concern for the multitude of seagulls flying overhead. You know what their study discovered? That there was no tern left unstoned.

Three Mice Are Bragging to eachother

The first mouse says: I will eat tons of mouse-poison, but it does nothing to me. The second mouse says, well for me a mouse trap is peanuts! I just pull the lever and take the cheese!
The Third says: Oh you two, stop bragging already! Wait... what time is it? Oh, I have to go home, i have to feed the cat!

The Titanic weighed about 52 tons...

I'm gonna let that sink in

I've had a tonsillectomy last week but the doctor accidentaly removed my vocal cords.

I can't say how angry I am.

I don't understand why everyone thinks the k**... are racist.

Every week at our meetings there's always tons of black people hanging around.

A lorry carrying 25 tons of Vicks Vapour Rub has overturned on the M6, near Birmingham, spilling it's load onto the carriage way.

The Police have said, there will be no congestion for at least 12hrs.

Imagine a football statium full of jews. What's missing?

5 tons of f**...

E3 2017

Xbox: We have a new console with tons of good specs, VR support, and a badass name.
Sony: We have Kojima, God of War, c**... Bandicoot, and Spider-Man
Nintendo: We have plumbers and bunnies.

When you die, we will give you an astronaut f**...

Where we give you tons of space by not showing up.

Super computers are like soccer players

Tons of flops.

Genders are like smartphone brands.

There's two that everyone knows, and tons of shoddy excuses for third place.

I found a way to save 27 million tons of paper per year

I signed up for e-mail receipts at CVS

Why do muslim comedians always get tons of laughs?

Cause nobody wants them to bomb the show.

The Irish have completely solved their own fuel problems

They imported 50 million tons of sand from the Arabs so they can drill for their own oil.

What do we do after Nicki Minaj dies?

We could send her to the recycling center and get back 40 tons of plastic

Neighbour asks if I've got any old car batteries.

Me: Yeah I've got tons of old ones. I can give 'em to you free of charge.

Daring strategy

After years of loneliness, I finally worked out a great dating strategy. I'll pretend to be gay. I'm going to make tons of chick friends, really get them to trust me, tell me everything… and when they haven't got an ounce of suspicion left – BOOOM!
I'll get their boyfriends!

My son kept begging me to take him to an aquarium...

So I brought him to a McDonald's. There's tons of big whales and it's much cheaper!

Why did my friend who lost tons of weights become a file system?

Because he became an exFat.

Americans got tired of using metric tons so they made up a new unit of weight.

New ton

When guy's have tons of s**... and date lots of girls, they're 'playboys' and 'studs'...

But when I do it, I'm a 'lesbian'. 😒

Germany brought 12 tons of supply for World Cup in Moscow, the most among 32 teams.

They paid the price for not bringing enough 75 years ago.

Einstein did tons of research on gravity.

It was groundbreaking.

Is the k**... really that racist?

I went to one of their meetings and there were tons of black people hanging around.

Life is like a mobile game.

It's free but there's tons of microtransactions.

Did you know about the crazy train driver?

I hear he has tons of loco-motives.

How is it, that the capital city of USA is also the place of most successful laundry bussines?

Because they're washing tons.

What was George Washington's favorite chore?

Washing Tons of dishes.

I've eaten tons of human flesh...

...It was my own and all came from around my fingernails.

Have you tried the communist weight loss program?

Ive lost tons of weight on this five-year plan!

I ran into a celebrity while walking down Hollywood Boulevard. He had a mullet, tons of jewelry, and was yelling, I piy the fool!

I said, Hey, you missed a t.

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess..."Will you marry me?"

The Princess said "No!" and the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and f**... whenever he wanted. THE END

I just changed my car engine to France.

Gonna have tons of revolutions now!

What do you call a snake that weighs 3.14 tons?

Python

Alabama

Bring your family, you'll have tons of fun

The girlfriend announced...

"I love you lots, snuggles."
"And I love you tons." I replied.
"Oh, I see." She said, in a huff. "You've got no nickname for me, then?"
Sometimes I swear the fat cow's going deaf.

I just don't understand why black people don't like the police

They have tons of great songs and Sting is a great singer

A black man get lost in a desert and finds a genie's lamp.

The genie tells him he has 3 wishes and can be granted anything but more wishes. The man ponders for a while and says " ok I got it" . " firstly I wish to never run out of water, second I wish to be white, and third of all I wish I got a lot of a**...". The genie tell him " this I can do" and grants all three of the mans wishes at once . he then tells the man "you are now white, will never run out of water, and will get tons of a**... everyday. I've turned you into a toilet"

A frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulde wearing a tuxedo

"Well isn't he beautiful" Says the bartender. "Where did you get him?"
"In France, there are tons of them." the parrot replies.

A Russian joke from HBO's Chernobyl

What do you call something as big as a house, uses tons of gas, and cuts apples into 3 pieces?
A Soviet machine made to cut apples into 4 pieces.

What did one tonsil say to the other?

You better get dressed, the doctor is going to take us out tonight.

A man has a wonderful Horse

It's a marvellous Horse, good looking and everything. But it also occasionally gets very dangerous and vicious.
Causes tons of trouble, breaks things, violent etc.
So he goes to the vet and asks what can I do with this horse
The vet says that's a very easy problem and I am glad to help you
The man says ok, so what should I do
The Vet says the next time your horse is behaving well, sell it

What did the Mexican truck driver say in his defense when he got pulled over with ten tons of imported snails?

Es Cargo.

You have to admire Amish people for their great sense of self-derision. You can find tons of jokes making fun of them on Reddit...

But you never see one of them writing a disapproving comment below.

I hit a cat backing out of my driveway

I'm surprised I didn't see it. It was bright yellow, 50 feet, and weighed 40 tons.

I heard Microsoft tried to change the file path separator in Windows

but it received tons of backslash from the community.
--
Source: Aaron Peterson, Twitter.

What weighs 10 tons, consumes 20 liters of diesel per hour and splits apples into three parts?

A Soviet apple quartering machine.

Tons joke, What weighs 10 tons, consumes 20 liters of diesel per hour and splits apples into three parts?

jokes about tons