The Best 58 Tons Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Tons jokes. There are some tons multitude jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these tons transactions puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Tons Jokes and Puns

Can you write a whole paragraph without the letter A?

I wouldn't recommend it.

Honestly, your sentences willl just sound wrong.
Everyone will notice you're doing something
different. Your writing won't flow smoothly. You'll
use weird words.

It's not worth the effort involved in spending
time online looking up tons of synonyms which
don't feel right, just to produce weird, stilted
prose.

You'd be better off giving up, to be honest.

Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud..

But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I'm not one of them.

"I love you lots snuggles" said my girlfriend

"And I love you tons" I replied.
"Wow fine, you don't have a nickname for me?" She said angrily.
Sometimes I swear the fat cunt's going deaf.

Tons joke, "I love you lots snuggles" said my girlfriend

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."

OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.


The state trooper is driving down the highway when...

he sees a truck driver pull over, walk to the side of his truck with a tire jack, bang on the side of the truck several times, and then drive away. Two miles down the road he does the same thing. Another two miles, same thing. The trooper pulls the truck over and asks the truck driver to explain and the driver says "The load limit is ten tons, and I'm carrying fifteen tons of parakeets, so I've got to keep some of them flying around."

The Titanic and mayonnaise

What a lot of people don't know about the Titanic was that it was carrying a large shipment of mayonnaise to Mexico. In fact, the Mexican people were overjoyed to be receiving this fine delicacy.

Sadly, as we all know, the Titanic tragically sank, sending its many tons of mayonnaise to the bottom of the ocean. The Mexican people were saddened by this event, and dedicated an annual event to the remembrance of the mayonnaise

We call it Cinco de Mayo

Tons joke, The Titanic and mayonnaise

A North Irish girl lives with her grandmother...

and they find that they are running very low on money. The girl tells her grandma,

"I'm going to head off south to find work, I'll come back with money. I promise."

The girl is gone for many months, and when she returns home she has tons of money! The grandmother is overjoyed and says,

"How did you make all this money, child?"

The girl says in a hushed voice, "Well, I was a prostitute grandma."

The grandmother looked enraged, "What did you say?!"

"I was a prostitute, grandma! I'm sorry."

The grandmother calms down, "Oh thank God! I thought you said you were a protestant!"

My friend told me that each person creates 10 tons of CO2 a year, and said I should be taking steps to bring that number down

so I shot a guy.

Want to know how to make tons of people mad real fast?

your about to now how.

People who take tons of photos of themselves

Have no selfie control

You can explore tons shitload reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean tons plethora dad jokes. There are also tons puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Joe moves into a new neighborhood

One day, he is outside. His neighbor comes over, introduces himself and says " I'm throwing a party tonight, why don't you come?"
Joe asks what kind of party it will be, and the neighbor tells him "This party is going to be awesome! There's gonna be beer, gambling, and TONS of sex!"
"Sounds like a great party," replies Joe. "What should I wear?"
"It doesn't matter, man," says the neighbor. "It't just gonna be YOU and ME."

[NSFW] A mother and father are snooping around in their son's bedroom.

Being a bit nosy, they search around the room to see if their son is hiding anything "naughty." The father checks under the bed and, in shock, sees *tons* of BDSM and bondage tapes, DVDs, and magazines.

The mother couldn't breathe. It took her a while to say "*Oh my god!* What should we do about this?!

The father replied "We shouldn't spank him, that's for sure."

I used to go to Weight Watchers to meet women.

There were tons of girls there, just not very many.

Newspaper ad - RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:

1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"

"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."

The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

I've heard the best place to network for a job is at a fat camp

You meet *tons* of people

Tons joke, I've heard the best place to network for a job is at a fat camp

How do you make an elephant float?

Take one elephant, two tons of ice cream, and one ton of soda. Blend.

My buddy invited me to a party at his place, saying "tons" of people would be coming.

It turned out to be pretty lame. When I arrived, his place was dead silent and he seemed to be the only person there.

However, I checked the living room and found he hadn't lied; your mother was sitting on the couch.

Contrary to popular belief, in Engineering, you do meet tons of women...

Just not very many


What did one tonsil say to the other?

Get dressed, the doctor is taking us out tonight!

My city has been putting in tons of toll booths. Yesterday I had to pay ten cents before they'd let me pass through an intersection!

At least I was able to turn on a dime.

There are tons of girls in my software engineering class...

...just not very many of them.

I say this to girls at the bar, gets tons of laughs everytime.

"So, what's your number?"

I only date Chinese women...

They are used to seeing tons of red flags

Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?

In 2015 humans consumed 65 million tons of bananas and only 8 monkeys.

I used to perform circumcisions for a living.

I got tons of tips.

The FBI made a big marijuana bust recently.

The took the approximately 2 tons of weed to a landfill and had it incinerated. However, the EPA stepped in and showed concern for the multitude of seagulls flying overhead. You know what their study discovered? That there was no tern left unstoned.

Three Mice Are Bragging to eachother

The first mouse says: I will eat tons of mouse-poison, but it does nothing to me. The second mouse says, well for me a mouse trap is peanuts! I just pull the lever and take the cheese!

The Third says: Oh you two, stop bragging already! Wait... what time is it? Oh, I have to go home, i have to feed the cat!

The Titanic weighed about 52 tons...

I'm gonna let that sink in

I was thinking it might be a good idea if we buried Donald Trump in a few tons of concrete...

... but that might set a bad president.

I don't understand why everyone thinks the KKK are racist.

Every week at our meetings there's always tons of black people hanging around.

A lorry carrying 25 tons of Vicks Vapour Rub has overturned on the M6, near Birmingham, spilling it's load onto the carriage way.

The Police have said, there will be no congestion for at least 12hrs.

Super computers are like soccer players

Tons of flops.

God must be black

He has tons of kids yet no one has ever seen him

Genders are like smartphone brands.

There's two that everyone knows, and tons of shoddy excuses for third place.

I found a way to save 27 million tons of paper per year

I signed up for e-mail receipts at CVS

Why do muslim comedians always get tons of laughs?

Cause nobody wants them to bomb the show.

Daring strategy

After years of loneliness, I finally worked out a great dating strategy. I'll pretend to be gay. I'm going to make tons of chick friends, really get them to trust me, tell me everything… and when they haven't got an ounce of suspicion left – BOOOM!

I'll get their boyfriends!

Germany brought 12 tons of supply for World Cup in Moscow, the most among 32 teams.

They paid the price for not bringing enough 75 years ago.

I hosted an amazing party. We had tons of cheese, but ran out of crackers

It was cracka-lackin

Is the KKK really that racist?

I went to one of their meetings and there were tons of black people hanging around.

Life is like a mobile game.

It's free but there's tons of microtransactions.

Did you know about the crazy train driver?

I hear he has tons of loco-motives.

How is it, that the capital city of USA is also the place of most successful laundry bussines?

Because they're washing tons.

I ran into a celebrity while walking down Hollywood Boulevard. He had a mullet, tons of jewelry, and was yelling, I piy the fool!

I said, Hey, you missed a t.

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess..."Will you marry me?"

The Princess said "No!" and the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted. THE END

I just changed my car engine to France.

Gonna have tons of revolutions now!

What do you call a snake that weighs 3.14 tons?

Python

The girlfriend announced...

"I love you lots, snuggles."

"And I love you tons." I replied.

"Oh, I see." She said, in a huff. "You've got no nickname for me, then?"

Sometimes I swear the fat cow's going deaf.

I just don't understand why black people don't like the police

They have tons of great songs and Sting is a great singer

A black man get lost in a desert and finds a genie's lamp.

The genie tells him he has 3 wishes and can be granted anything but more wishes. The man ponders for a while and says " ok I got it" . " firstly I wish to never run out of water, second I wish to be white, and third of all I wish I got a lot of ass". The genie tell him " this I can do" and grants all three of the mans wishes at once . he then tells the man "you are now white, will never run out of water, and will get tons of ass everyday. I've turned you into a toilet"

A frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulde wearing a tuxedo

"Well isn't he beautiful" Says the bartender. "Where did you get him?"

"In France, there are tons of them." the parrot replies.

A Russian joke from HBO's Chernobyl

What do you call something as big as a house, uses tons of gas, and cuts apples into 3 pieces?



A Soviet machine made to cut apples into 4 pieces.

What did one tonsil say to the other?

You better get dressed, the doctor is going to take us out tonight.

A man has a wonderful Horse

It's a marvellous Horse, good looking and everything. But it also occasionally gets very dangerous and vicious.

Causes tons of trouble, breaks things, violent etc.

So he goes to the vet and asks what can I do with this horse

The vet says that's a very easy problem and I am glad to help you

The man says ok, so what should I do

The Vet says the next time your horse is behaving well, sell it

What did the Mexican truck driver say in his defense when he got pulled over with ten tons of imported snails?

Es Cargo.

You have to admire Amish people for their great sense of self-derision. You can find tons of jokes making fun of them on Reddit...

But you never see one of them writing a disapproving comment below.

I hit a cat backing out of my driveway

I'm surprised I didn't see it. It was bright yellow, 50 feet, and weighed 40 tons.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the tons shoddy jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working tons ton piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes