Tonight Jokes
125 tonight jokes and hilarious tonight puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about tonight that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Bring the Tonight show to your living room with these hilarious jokes! Laugh along to tebak tebakan, pertanyaan, and teka teki jokes, while drinking and doing the 'ThursThingThing'! From risque to clean, we've got tonight's jokes you won't want to miss!
Funniest Tonight Short Jokes
Short tonight jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The tonight humour may include short tomorrow jokes also.
- What's better than enchiladas? n+1 chiladas.
(sharing this joke I came up with tonight while making enchiladas, because my family didn't find it funny). - My son asked me, Dad, can we watch spider Man—Far from Home tonight? I said, Why? It is the same movie if you watch it nearby.
- The Government is mandating that I set my clocks back before I go to bed tonight, but I'm going to do MY OWN research, thank you very much. My clocks, my choice.
- My ten-year-old daughter came up with this at dinner tonight: What do you get if put a copy of Macbeth on top of a dictionary? A play on words.
- Chuck Norris caught COVID-19 and the prognosis is not good. Anyone wanting to say goodbye to the virus should visit the hospital tonight.
(Cr - My urge to sing "The lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
- We were eating dinner tonight, when my daughter said to me, I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one? I said, Why would I want two empty glasses?
- I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order. I then picked the movie and pizza because I'm the one with the money.
- At any given time, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away... A whim away, a whim away.
- I really wanted to watch the International origami Championships tonight. Sadly, it's only on paper view.
Share These Tonight Jokes With Friends
Tonight One Liners
Which tonight one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with tonight? I can suggest the ones about noon and sunday evening.
- I'm getting laid tonight. I wish I could have posted this in any other sub.
- The urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is always just a whim away Aweem away
- Made love to my wife for an hour and four minutes tonight Thanks, Daylight Savings Time!
- I had a date tonight. It was pretty sweet. Next, I'm going to try a fig.
- Autopsy club tonight at 8pm It's open Mike night
- I had a date last night and I really enjoyed it. Tonight I'm going to have a fig!
- My contortionist wife wants to do the pretzel in bed tonight. She's so knotty.
- Girl, are you a termite? Because you're gonna get a mouthful of wood tonight
- Trump was taken to Walter Reed tonight I wish him a speedy recovfefe
- Not all UK politicians will cry tonight but Theresa May
- My imaginary friend's coming to stay tonight So I've made up a bed for him
- There's a huge party at the orphanage tonight Their parents are gone.
- My daughter made this tonight: What's the favourite song of sloths? Don't Hurry, Be Happy
- Me and my wife decided we don't want children. We will be telling them tonight.
- I had to cancel my dsylexics meeting tonight I never go out on Friday the 13th
Tonight Show Jokes
Here is a list of funny tonight show jokes and even better tonight show puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My band My band "coldplay Secret Show" played a sold out gig tonight in front of 400 angry people.
- A friend of mine called me and said, Come out tonight, and I'll show you a good time. Later, he ran the 100 metres in less than 12 seconds.
- Tonight's firework show reminds me of my dad Really exciting for 30 minutes, then completely gone for a year
- When Jimmy Fallon started hosting The Tonight Show, Conan called him up to offer some advice... The first thing he said was:
"Kill your enemies and see them driven before you..." - Got pulled over tonight. Cop asked if I had any weapons. I showed him my guns. He laughed.
- Headline: Comedians are now outlawed... In more news, Amy Schumer has a show tonight
- Why didn't they just call "Ant-Man" Uncle? Credit to Steve Higgins from The Tonight Show.
- Did you hear about the nice young comedian showing tonight? I heard he's a real stand up kinda guy!
- Me: I have to sleep at 11 tonight *Clock shows 11:01pm*
Me: Welp, guess I have to sleep at 4am now. - My new punk band, Syncopated Head, has its first show tonight... I'm really afraid nobody will come.
Uproarious Tonight Jokes to Share with Friends
What funny jokes about tonight you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean sunday night jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make tonight pranks.
One shop owner turns and asks another...
So, have you had any reactions yet to your ad that you're looking for a night guard?
He replied.
Yeah, we got robbed tonight.
The craziest thing happened at a bar tonight. A woman got her n**... pierced right in front of me!
On an unrelated note, I s**... at darts.
Einstein walks into a bar...
The bartender asks "What's the deal, Einstein? You look like you're out of energy tonight."
Einstein responds: "Eh, no matter."
[BTW this was original]
So two condoms walk into a bar..
.. They quickly realize that it is a gay bar. One c**... turns to the other and says, "Dude. We are gonna get s**... tonight!"
Headaches
A man and his wife are getting into bed for the night. The man brings a glass of water and a bottle of aspirin to the bedroom and sets it down on his wife's nightstand. She asks him "What's that for?" to which the man replies "That's for your headache." "Headache? I don't have a headache..." The man responds "Well then, looks like we're having s**... tonight!"
I just received a chain letter and if I don't re-send it a dead woman will appear in my closet....
Guess who's getting laid tonight.
A man was meeting a girlfriend somewhere...
And she said: "is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
He replied: "Either way, we're having s**... tonight"
A little boy comes downstairs in the middle of the night and asks for a cup of water.
Dad: OK, but that's the 730th one you've had tonight...
Boy: I know, but my room's still on fire
The Meaning of dreams
One morning, after she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?" "Maybe you'll find out tonight…," he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled:"The Meaning of Dreams."
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy... that we have health insurance.
Little Johnny at it again...
Little Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye.
After a few days of this happening, the teacher became very worried and asked him about it.
Johnny's answer was: "Our house is very small Miss. Me, my mum and my dad, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Johnny are you sleeping?' Then I say 'No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a black eye."
So the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet and don't say a word".
The following morning Little Johnny comes to school and no black eye, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief. The day after that, Johnny comes back with a massive black eye again.
"My goodness Johnny, another black eye? What happened?"
Johnny explains: "Miss, Dad asked me again, 'Johnny are you sleeping?.... and I shut up and kept very still. Then my dad and my mum started moving {you know} at the same time. Mum was breathing heavy and k**... her legs all over the place.....
Then my dad asks me mum: 'Are you coming?' Then my mum says, 'Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?' and my dad answered 'Yes'.
They don't usually go anywhere without me, so i said 'Wait for me..."
So I was driving home from work tonight, I saw a woman texting whilst driving.
It infuriated me so much I threw my beer bottle at her car.
For a moment, i had a different opinion on 'Chinese girls'
This Valentines day, I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She said, "s**...! s**...! s**...! Free s**... tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 6**...-3629."
Marriage is like having your favorite meal every day...
At first, it's great! But after a week, you're thinking, "Eh, I kinda feel like having Asian tonight."
I text my wife tonight, "Honey, I'm going to stay in the bar another hour with my friends for another pint..."
"...if I'm not back in an hour then read this message again."
I was thinking about spending $100 to watch the boxing match tonight...
But why would I spend money to see Mayweather when I can just look outside?
A racist, a sexist and a priest walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hey Bill, drinking alone tonight?"
I bet you $20 I can tell you the score of the big game tonight before it even starts.
Broncos: 0 Panthers: 0
A chemist walks into a bar...
He says to the bartender, "Tonight all drinks are on me!"
The bartender says to him, "you must've had a good day today, what happened?"
"I finally found a way to make a stable molecule from a barium atom, two sodium atoms, and a sulfur atom!" the chemist proudly replies.
"Wow," says the bartender, "that's BaNaNaS!"
A Chinese girl asked to get a ride from me.
so I said no problem give me your number I will call you when I leave home
She said, "s**...! s**...! s**...! Free s**... tonight!" I said, "HOLD ON!"
Then her friend said, "She means ....6**...-3629."
So, tonight at the library I asked the librarian if they had any books on turtles
"Hardback?" she inquired. "Yes" I said. "and little heads."
Welcome to the Plastic Surgery Addiction Clinic
I can see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I've gotta say, I'm pretty dissapointed.
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "s**...! s**...! s**...! Free s**... tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said,
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "s**...! s**...! s**...! Free s**... tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 6**...-3629.
An Indian man is at home...
An Indian man is at home, cooking for his family. He is a very wealthy scientist, so he was able to purchase a tandoor. Tonight he decides to break it in. As he takes his bread out, he notices something strange. It almost falls apart in his hands. As he gets it on the plate, it turns into a viscous liquid. Amazed, he began trying to figure out what this was. After several minutes of keeping his family waiting, he let's out an audible "Aha!" He then proceeds to slam his fist onto the bread. Miraculously, the bread held together and almost seemed to form a solid.
"Just as I thought." He says.
"A Naan-Newtonian Fluid."
Normally I hate those t**..., fake, rigged reality TV shows...
But I might watch the presidential debate tonight anyway.
Did you hear they're doing a remake of Dumb and Dumber?
It's on tonight on every major network, tonight at 9.
My parents asked me if I wanted to watch Dumb and Dumber with them tonight..
When I went downstairs the debate was on.
Ok Chicago, please be responsible. If the game doesn't go your way tonight...
At least act like you've been there before.
My wife is actually mad at me for being so excited to see her mother tonight....
The viewing is at 7pm.
A man walks into a store to buy condoms
He notices that there are Olympic condoms on sale. He returns home and tells his wife, "Honey I bought Olympic condoms for us tonight!"
Wife: What's so special about them.
Husband: Well, there's a gold one, a silver one and a bronze one.
Wife: Which one are you gonna wear tonight?
Husband: The gold one of course!
Wife: Why don't you wear the silver one, it would be nice if you came second for a change.
I totally forgot the Super Bowl was tonight!
Don't worry; so did the ~~Patriots~~ Falcons.
"Hello everyone, welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous."
"I see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."
Husband and wife decide to make a password...
...for s**...,
they decide on 'washing machine'.
Later in bed that night husband says,
Washing machine.
Wife replies, Not tonight darling I have a sore head.
Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says,
Washing machine.
Husband replies,
Too late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand.
Words that start with "S" s**....
Girl: Tom, I've come to realize something about the letter s.
Boy: Tell me.
Girl: Words that start with s s**....
Boy: What do you mean?
Girl: Well, snakes s**.... So does a sting, and so does getting stabbed.
Boy: Well, Sally, if thats the case I'd like to have you over tonight for dinner.
Not Tonight
Guy brings his wife a glass of water and two pills. She looks puzzled. "What's this?"
He says, "Oh, these are your aspirin, sweetheart."
She says, "I don't have a headache."
To which the husband replies, "AH HA!"
One night a man walks into a bar looking sad.
One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.
The man says Oh just a beer .
The bartender asked the man Whats wrong,why are you so down today? .
The man said My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would'nt talk to me for a month .
The bartender said So whats wrong with that ?
The man siad Well the month is up tonight .
What's the Mummy's plan to destroy Superman?
He's going to lure him into the crypt tonight.
I have a 50% chance to get laid tonight.
I mean, if 1 out of 2 persons wants it, that's 50%, right?
Frank's been drinking too much at the dinner party and decides to give a toast to his wife
"To my wife, the love of my life, and the sexiest woman I know. But it's too bad only one of those three is here tonight!"
There was a burst of laughter from the crowd, but Frank's wife took it in stride, raising here glass for a toast of her own.
"To my husband, a good provider, and the father of my children. Too bad only one of those could make it."
s**...! s**...! s**...! Free s**... tonight!
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "s**...! s**...! s**...! Free s**... tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 6**...-3629."
What did microsoft say to the attractive girl in the room?
Can I c**... at your place tonight?
I'm introducing my girlfriend to my parents for the first time tonight
I told my girlfriend my parents were partially deaf, so she has to speak loud and slow. I told my parents my girlfriend is r**........this should be an interesting night.
I'm gonna dress up as Forest Gump tonight and go to the movies and make a a scene.
Then I will have to apologize for ruining their Black Panther party
My buddy asked me if he could c**... on my couch tonight
I had to explain to him that i am married now, and that's where i sleep
Olympic condoms (n**...)
A boyfriend buys Olympic colored condoms, and tells his girlfriend it's because there are 3 colors Gold, Silver and Bronze. He tells her "tonight i think i'll wear the gold" she replied "i wish you would wear the silver one". "Why?" the boyfriend asks. "It would be great if you came second for a change!"
A cop just stopped me for jaywalking and then tasered me after exchanging a few words...
Police: Turn around.
Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round...
Police: TURN AROUND!!
Me: BRIGHT EYES, Every now and then I fall apart. And you I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ev--AHHHHHH!
[Bad Pickup Line] I know I'm not the best looking guy here tonight...
but I'm the only one talking to you...
Boy: Hey wanna see a movie with me tonight?
Girl: I have a boyfriend.
Boy: and i have a math test tomorrow.
Girl: What does that have to do with anything?
Boy: I thought we were listing things we were going to cheat on.
18 year old: Dad I turn 18 today!
Dad: great, I'm taking you the s**... club tonight.
18 year old: No, I already said I didn't want that.
Dad: Nicole, someone needs to work in this house.
Two new recruits were on the deck of a ship.
One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?"
Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band."
"There is no band on this ship."
"No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."
A Filipino, a Chinese man, and a Japanese guy are in a bar having a drink.
When a gorgeous woman comes up to them and says, Whoever can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' in a creative sentence can have me for tonight. So the Chinese guy says I love liver and cheese. She says That's not good enough The Japanese man says I hate liver and cheese She says That's not creative Finally, the Filipino says Liver alone, cheese mine!
Tinder is completely useless, and I don't have a single match
If I don't find another way to start a campfire tonight, I'll freeze to death.
I tried an At Home Covid Test
Instructions:
1. Open a can of beer and try to smell it.
2. If you can smell the beer, drink it to see if you can taste it.
3. If you can smell it and taste it, this confirms that you don't have the Covid.
Last night, I did the test 19 times and all were negative. Tonight, I am going to do the test again because this morning I woke up with a headache and I feel like I'm coming down with something.
I didn't feel like cooking tonight, so I made a sandwich for dinner
It wasn't so much as a sandwich as much as it was just bread.
I guess more just grain.
Fermented grain.
Distilled, fermented grain.
I had whisky for dinner tonight.
I read that I should treat my wife like I did on our first date...
...so tonight I'm dropping her off at her parents.
I encountered a m**... at a bar last night
although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and s**...
we were drinking, chatting, laughing, and having a good time
then, she asked me flirtatiously
"have you ever tried a mother-daughter t**... before?"
I said, "Nope, not yet".
She drank a little more, and said, "well, darling, tonight is your lucky night."
So she took me to her place.
She took out her keys
opens her door
turn on the light
and she yells towards upstairs
"Mom, are you still awake？
Tonight I did a delivery to the local mental asylum.
Being curious, I asked the doctor how do they determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the doctor, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the doctor, "A normal person would pull the bathtub drain plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Waitress "How did you find your steak tonight?"
"I looked next to my potatoes and there it was"...
had to throw out my carbon monoxide detector tonight.
All that beeping was giving me a headache and making me dizzy.
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health care
Me and the girlfriend went to the restaurant for the first time in ages.
The Waiter said, I am sorry but we are so busy tonight.
Would you mind waiting for a bit? I said no problem.
He said well take these drinks to table. 5.
Had my first t**... tonight.
There were two no-shows but I still had a great time
My girlfriend and I were shopping today. We saw that t**... had designed Olympic sponsored Condoms? I told here we had to buy some...
What's so special about them?
They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze.
And what color are you going to wear tonight?
Gold, obviously!
Why not Silver? It'd be great if you could come second for a change.
Tonight, I will be judging the "World's Largest Ribeye" competition. I am not sure who will win.
But the steaks are huge.
Tonight, while telling my grown children some dad jokes, my 34 y/o son hit me with…
What's the difference between dad and an ice cream truck? The ice cream truck has Good Humor!
