Tonight Jokes
123 tonight jokes and hilarious tonight puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about tonight that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Bring the Tonight show to your living room with these hilarious jokes! Laugh along to tebak tebakan, pertanyaan, and teka teki jokes, while drinking and doing the 'ThursThingThing'! From risque to clean, we've got tonight's jokes you won't want to miss!
Funniest Tonight Short Jokes
Short tonight jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The tonight humour may include short tomorrow jokes also.
- What's better than enchiladas? n+1 chiladas.
(sharing this joke I came up with tonight while making enchiladas, because my family didn't find it funny). - My son asked me, Dad, can we watch spider Man—Far from Home tonight? I said, Why? It is the same movie if you watch it nearby.
- The Government is mandating that I set my clocks back before I go to bed tonight, but I'm going to do MY OWN research, thank you very much. My clocks, my choice.
- My ten-year-old daughter came up with this at dinner tonight: What do you get if put a copy of Macbeth on top of a dictionary? A play on words.
- Chuck Norris caught COVID-19 and the prognosis is not good. Anyone wanting to say goodbye to the virus should visit the hospital tonight.
(Cr - We were eating dinner tonight, when my daughter said to me, I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one? I said, Why would I want two empty glasses?
- I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order. I then picked the movie and pizza because I'm the one with the money.
- I really wanted to watch the International origami Championships tonight. Sadly, it's only on paper view.
- "Hello everyone, welcome to plastic surgery Addicts Anonymous." "I see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."
- Tonight, while telling my grown children some dad jokes, my 34 y/o son hit me with… What's the difference between dad and an ice cream truck? The ice cream truck has Good Humor!
Share These Tonight Jokes With Friends
Tonight One Liners
Which tonight one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with tonight? I can suggest the ones about noon and sunday evening.
- I'm getting laid tonight. I wish I could have posted this in any other sub.
- The urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is always just a whim away Aweem away
- I had a date tonight. It was pretty sweet. Next, I'm going to try a fig.
- Autopsy club tonight at 8pm It's open Mike night
- My contortionist wife wants to do the pretzel in bed tonight. She's so knotty.
- Trump was taken to Walter Reed tonight I wish him a speedy recovfefe
- Not all UK politicians will cry tonight but Theresa May
- My imaginary friend's coming to stay tonight So I've made up a bed for him
- There's a huge party at the orphanage tonight Their parents are gone.
- My daughter made this tonight: What's the favourite song of sloths? Don't Hurry, Be Happy
- I had to cancel my dsylexics meeting tonight I never go out on Friday the 13th
- Hey, Roy Moore; what's the weather forecast? Tonight, we'll be dipping into the teens.
- If I get one upvote I'll get drunk by myself tonight.
- I cannot wait for my date tonight. Dates really are the best part of ramadan
- They say hindsight is 20/20. Not tonight, my friends. Tonight, 2020 is in hindsight!
Tonight Show Jokes
Here is a list of funny tonight show jokes and even better tonight show puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My band My band "Coldplay Secret Show" played a sold out gig tonight in front of 400 angry people.
- A friend of mine called me and said, Come out tonight, and I'll show you a good time. Later, he ran the 100 metres in less than 12 seconds.
- Tonight's firework show reminds me of my dad Really exciting for 30 minutes, then completely gone for a year
- Got pulled over tonight. Cop asked if I had any weapons. I showed him my guns. He laughed.
- Headline: Comedians are now outlawed... In more news, Amy Schumer has a show tonight
- Why didn't they just call "Ant-Man" Uncle? Credit to Steve Higgins from The Tonight Show.
- Did you hear about the nice young comedian showing tonight? I heard he's a real stand up kinda guy!
- Me: I have to sleep at 11 tonight *Clock shows 11:01pm*
Me: Welp, guess I have to sleep at 4am now. - My new punk band, Syncopated Head, has its first show tonight... I'm really afraid nobody will come.
Uproarious Tonight Jokes to Share with Friends
What funny jokes about tonight you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean sunday night jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make tonight pranks.
One shop owner turns and asks another...
So, have you had any reactions yet to your ad that you're looking for a night guard?
He replied.
Yeah, we got robbed tonight.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover and a throbbing black eye.
The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: Dear, breakfast is made. I've gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!
He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there's breakfast. Joe, he says to his son, what happened last night?
You came home s**... and got that black eye tripping over a chair.
So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?
Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to t**... clothes, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!'
Einstein walks into a bar...
The bartender asks "What's the deal, Einstein? You look like you're out of energy tonight."
Einstein responds: "Eh, no matter."
[BTW this was original]
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just received a chain letter and if I don't re-send it a dead woman will appear in my closet....
Guess who's getting laid tonight.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man was meeting a girlfriend somewhere...
And she said: "is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
He replied: "Either way, we're having s**... tonight"
A little boy comes downstairs in the middle of the night and asks for a cup of water.
Dad: OK, but that's the 730th one you've had tonight...
Boy: I know, but my room's still on fire
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man comes home to his wife...
Upon entering their home he promtly asks her, "hey honey, do you want to play the r**... game tonight?", a flat and unenthusiastic "no" is her response, to which he replies excitedly "good sport"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The big bed...
Three salesmen are travelling together when their car breaks down. They walk to the nearest town and go into the bar. Over a couple of rounds of drinks, they explain their situation to the bartender who tells them,
"I have a bed in the back room. It's just one bed, but it should be big enough for all three of you to stay for tonight."
The three salesmen agree and continue drinking. At closing time, the bartender kicks all the other customers out and shows the salesmen to the room where the bed is. The three of them immediately pass out for the night.
The next morning, the man who slept on the left side of the bed says,
"Man, I had this incredible dream that I was getting a h**... from a beautiful woman!"
The man who slept on the right side of the bed says,
"Hey, I had a dream that I was getting a h**... from a beautiful woman as well!"
The man who slept in the middle says,
"I had a dream that I was skiing!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny at it again...
Little Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye.
After a few days of this happening, the teacher became very worried and asked him about it.
Johnny's answer was: "Our house is very small Miss. Me, my mum and my dad, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Johnny are you sleeping?' Then I say 'No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a black eye."
So the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet and don't say a word".
The following morning Little Johnny comes to school and no black eye, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief. The day after that, Johnny comes back with a massive black eye again.
"My goodness Johnny, another black eye? What happened?"
Johnny explains: "Miss, Dad asked me again, 'Johnny are you sleeping?.... and I shut up and kept very still. Then my dad and my mum started moving {you know} at the same time. Mum was breathing heavy and k**... her legs all over the place.....
Then my dad asks me mum: 'Are you coming?' Then my mum says, 'Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?' and my dad answered 'Yes'.
They don't usually go anywhere without me, so i said 'Wait for me..."
So I was driving home from work tonight, I saw a woman texting whilst driving.
It infuriated me so much I threw my beer bottle at her car.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Priest and a p**...
One night, a priest walked up to a p**... he saw on the street corner.
Hoping to shame her into mending her ways he asked "Young lady, what would your mother do if she saw you here tonight?"
The p**... went white and replied "Oh, she'd kill me! This is her corner!"
Marriage is like having your favorite meal every day...
At first, it's great! But after a week, you're thinking, "Eh, I kinda feel like having Asian tonight."
I text my wife tonight, "Honey, I'm going to stay in the bar another hour with my friends for another pint..."
"...if I'm not back in an hour then read this message again."
I was thinking about spending $100 to watch the boxing match tonight...
But why would I spend money to see Mayweather when I can just look outside?
A racist, a sexist and a priest walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hey Bill, drinking alone tonight?"
I bet you $20 I can tell you the score of the big game tonight before it even starts.
Broncos: 0 Panthers: 0
A chemist walks into a bar...
He says to the bartender, "Tonight all drinks are on me!"
The bartender says to him, "you must've had a good day today, what happened?"
"I finally found a way to make a stable molecule from a barium atom, two sodium atoms, and a sulfur atom!" the chemist proudly replies.
"Wow," says the bartender, "that's BaNaNaS!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Husband: Guests are coming tonight.
What's for dinner?
Wife:I am not well today, so there's only green beans.
Husband:No worry. I have an idea. When the guests arrives you'll welcome them and I'll go to the kitchen and drop one utensil and then you'll say "what happen" . Then I'll say "oh no!! I dropped the chicken " . Then again drop another utensil and say "I dropped the spaghetti. Now we only left with green beans."
*Guest arrives*
Wife: Welcome. Please make yourself comfortable.
* loud sound comes from the kitchen *
Wife: Everything alright, honey?
Husband: Sh**t. I dropped the beans.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Girl, are you a termite?
Because you're gonna get a mouthful of wood tonight
An Indian man is at home...
An Indian man is at home, cooking for his family. He is a very wealthy scientist, so he was able to purchase a tandoor. Tonight he decides to break it in. As he takes his bread out, he notices something strange. It almost falls apart in his hands. As he gets it on the plate, it turns into a viscous liquid. Amazed, he began trying to figure out what this was. After several minutes of keeping his family waiting, he let's out an audible "Aha!" He then proceeds to slam his fist onto the bread. Miraculously, the bread held together and almost seemed to form a solid.
"Just as I thought." He says.
"A Naan-Newtonian Fluid."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Normally I hate those t**..., fake, rigged reality TV shows...
But I might watch the presidential debate tonight anyway.
Did you hear they're doing a remake of Dumb and Dumber?
It's on tonight on every major network, tonight at 9.
My parents asked me if I wanted to watch Dumb and Dumber with them tonight..
When I went downstairs the debate was on.
Ok Chicago, please be responsible. If the game doesn't go your way tonight...
At least act like you've been there before.
My wife is actually mad at me for being so excited to see her mother tonight....
The viewing is at 7pm.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Young couple codewords
The bashfull newlyweds decided to talk about "laundry" when one was interested in s**.... A Year later, when the new was off, the Husband asked "do you want to help me do the laundry tonight?"
Wife: "No, I am too tired".
The next night: "I have a headache". Next
On the following night: "I just don't feel like it".
Finally wife says: "How about doing the Laundry tonight".
Hubby's reply: "No worries, Dear, it was just a small load and I did it by hand!"
I totally forgot the Super Bowl was tonight!
Don't worry; so did the ~~Patriots~~ Falcons.
My girlfriend reminds me of my pinky toe
She's small, cute, and will probably end up getting banged on my coffee table tonight
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Husband and wife decide to make a password...
...for s**...,
they decide on 'washing machine'.
Later in bed that night husband says,
Washing machine.
Wife replies, Not tonight darling I have a sore head.
Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says,
Washing machine.
Husband replies,
Too late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Words that start with "S" s**....
Girl: Tom, I've come to realize something about the letter s.
Boy: Tell me.
Girl: Words that start with s s**....
Boy: What do you mean?
Girl: Well, snakes s**.... So does a sting, and so does getting stabbed.
Boy: Well, Sally, if thats the case I'd like to have you over tonight for dinner.
A farmer's 3 daughters are going on a date
A farmer is concerned that all 3 of his daughters are going on a date tonight. He decided he'll greet each man who shows up tonight with his shotgun in hand.
The first man to ring the doorbell greets the farmer with, "Hi, my names Joe.
I'm here for Flo.
We're going to see the show.
Is she ready to go?"
The farmer likes this fellow and sends Joe and Flo off.
The second man to show up says,
"Hello, I'm Eddy.
I'm looking for Betty.
We're gonna go eat some spaghetti.
Is she ready?"
The farmer decides this guys okay too so off they go.
The third man rings the doorbell says,
"Hey, my name's Chuck."
And the farmer shot him.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the Mummy's plan to destroy Superman?
He's going to lure him into the crypt tonight.
I have a 50% chance to get laid tonight.
I mean, if 1 out of 2 persons wants it, that's 50%, right?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Neo n**... are like cats...
If they like you, you're probably feeding them
Source: last week tonight
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A priest said that m**... is the devils typewriter
Guess im writing a novel tonight
Frank's been drinking too much at the dinner party and decides to give a toast to his wife
"To my wife, the love of my life, and the sexiest woman I know. But it's too bad only one of those three is here tonight!"
There was a burst of laughter from the crowd, but Frank's wife took it in stride, raising here glass for a toast of her own.
"To my husband, a good provider, and the father of my children. Too bad only one of those could make it."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**...! s**...! s**...! Free s**... tonight!
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "s**...! s**...! s**...! Free s**... tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 6**...-3629."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Chad's wife decided to surprise him on his birthday
and to show him that she's a cool wife, she took him to a s**... club.
At the club:
Bouncer: Hi Chad! How you doing tonight?
Wife: How does he know you?
Chad: We play golf together!
Bartender: Evening Chad! The usual?
Wife: And how does he know you?!
Chad: Um, he's on the bowling team!
Hot blonde stripper: Hey s**..., champagne room again tonight?
At this point the wife loses it and storms out of the club, dragging Chad with her, into a taxi.
Taxi driver: Hey Chad! Boy... You picked a fat one tonight huh? Same motel?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did microsoft say to the attractive girl in the room?
Can I c**... at your place tonight?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm introducing my girlfriend to my parents for the first time tonight
I told my girlfriend my parents were partially deaf, so she has to speak loud and slow. I told my parents my girlfriend is r**........this should be an interesting night.
I'm gonna dress up as Forest Gump tonight and go to the movies and make a a scene.
Then I will have to apologize for ruining their Black Panther party
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My buddy asked me if he could c**... on my couch tonight
I had to explain to him that i am married now, and that's where i sleep
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Made love to my wife for an hour and four minutes tonight
Thanks, Daylight Savings Time!
A cop just stopped me for jaywalking and then tasered me after exchanging a few words...
Police: Turn around.
Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round...
Police: TURN AROUND!!
Me: BRIGHT EYES, Every now and then I fall apart. And you I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ev--AHHHHHH!
[Bad Pickup Line] I know I'm not the best looking guy here tonight...
but I'm the only one talking to you...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Hey Cutie, you remind me of my little toe you know that?
Why? Because Im cute?
No Because Im gonna bang you on the coffee table later on tonight. ;)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
18 year old: Dad I turn 18 today!
Dad: great, I'm taking you the s**... club tonight.
18 year old: No, I already said I didn't want that.
Dad: Nicole, someone needs to work in this house.
Two new recruits were on the deck of a ship.
One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?"
Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band."
"There is no band on this ship."
"No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A nights work...
A guy meets a s**... worker in a bar.
She says, "Hey, tonight is your lucky night. I've got a very special game for us to play. Tonight I'll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words."
The guy replies, "Hey, why not?, you're on" So he proceeds to put £300 on the bar from his wallet, and says to the s**... worker slowly. "Paint…my….house."
A Filipino, a Chinese man, and a Japanese guy are in a bar having a drink.
When a gorgeous woman comes up to them and says, Whoever can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' in a creative sentence can have me for tonight. So the Chinese guy says I love liver and cheese. She says That's not good enough The Japanese man says I hate liver and cheese She says That's not creative Finally, the Filipino says Liver alone, cheese mine!
Bill Gates is pulled over by a police officer one night after his car is seen swerving on the highway
The police officer asks, "Have you had anything to drink tonight, sir?"
Bill says, "Absolutely not, officer."
The cop says, "Can you please count backwards from 10 for me?"
•
Bill replies, "10, 8, 7, Vista, XP, ME, 2000, NT, 98, 95, 3, 2, 1."
Tinder is completely useless, and I don't have a single match
If I don't find another way to start a campfire tonight, I'll freeze to death.
I got pulled over a while back.
The officer asked any drugs or alcohol tonight? I'm not sure what reply he was looking for but it sure wasn't no thanks, I'm already wasted.
My 7yr old son told me this tonight. What do you call a snowman temper tantrum?
A meltdown
*edit* Thanks for the silver, its greatly appreciated
I tried an At Home Covid Test
Instructions:
1. Open a can of beer and try to smell it.
2. If you can smell the beer, drink it to see if you can taste it.
3. If you can smell it and taste it, this confirms that you don't have the Covid.
Last night, I did the test 19 times and all were negative. Tonight, I am going to do the test again because this morning I woke up with a headache and I feel like I'm coming down with something.
I didn't feel like cooking tonight, so I made a sandwich for dinner
It wasn't so much as a sandwich as much as it was just bread.
I guess more just grain.
Fermented grain.
Distilled, fermented grain.
I had whisky for dinner tonight.
I read that I should treat my wife like I did on our first date...
...so tonight I'm dropping her off at her parents.
A surgeon is about to perform his first surgery...
...and the patient is lying on the surgical table, waiting for the anesthetist. The doctor grabs the patient's hand and takes a deep breath.
Surgeon: "Don't worry, Richard, this is not big deal, just a few cuts here and there, and all done in less than an hour. Tonight you rest, watch the game and forget about this."
Patient: "My name is not Richard!"
Surgeon: "Oh, I'm just talking to myself."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I encountered a m**... at a bar last night
although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and s**...
we were drinking, chatting, laughing, and having a good time
then, she asked me flirtatiously
"have you ever tried a mother-daughter t**... before?"
I said, "Nope, not yet".
She drank a little more, and said, "well, darling, tonight is your lucky night."
So she took me to her place.
She took out her keys
opens her door
turn on the light
and she yells towards upstairs
"Mom, are you still awake？
Tonight I did a delivery to the local mental asylum.
Being curious, I asked the doctor how do they determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the doctor, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the doctor, "A normal person would pull the bathtub drain plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Waitress "How did you find your steak tonight?"
"I looked next to my potatoes and there it was"...
had to throw out my carbon monoxide detector tonight.
All that beeping was giving me a headache and making me dizzy.
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health care
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My tinder date invited me back to her house tonight, and while she was in the bathroom, I had a cheeky look in her wardrobe. Inside, there was a nurse outfit, a police woman's uniform and a full d**... bodysuit, so I quickly pulled on my pants and snuck out of there.
I don't want a girlfriend who can't hold down a job.
Me and the girlfriend went to the restaurant for the first time in ages.
The Waiter said, I am sorry but we are so busy tonight.
Would you mind waiting for a bit? I said no problem.
He said well take these drinks to table. 5.
A man is talking to his doctor about a recurring dream he keeps having.
"I keep dreaming about a soccer match between elephants and mice" the patient said
"No worries" says the doctor and gives the patient some medicine, "take this just before bed and you'll have a dreamless sleep"
"Ok, thank you doctor" responded the man "but can I start it tomorrow? The finals are tonight"
Tonight, I will be judging the "World's Largest Ribeye" competition. I am not sure who will win.
But the steaks are huge.
My daughter painted her toenails black for winter formal tonight...
I told her "I hope you don't run into anyone who's black-toes intolerant."
