Tonight Jokes

What are some Tonight jokes?

Made love to my wife for an hour and four minutes tonight

Thanks, Daylight Savings Time!

The craziest thing happened at a bar tonight. A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me!

On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.

Normally I hate those trashy, fake, rigged reality TV shows...

But I might watch the presidential debate tonight anyway.

Olympic Condoms. (NSFW)

A man was shopping in a nearby supermarket when he noticed a package that said "Olympic Condoms". He bought it, and told his wife about it.



" - Olympic Condoms? What's so special about them?"



" - They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze."



" - And what color are you going to wear tonight?"



" - Gold, obviously!"



" - Why not Silver? It'd be great if you came second, for a change."

My buddy asked me if he could crash on my couch tonight

I had to explain to him that i am married now, and that's where i sleep

Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

My urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away

a whim away, a whim away, a whim away

We were eating dinner tonight, when my daughter said to me, I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?

I said, Why would I want two empty glasses?

A cop just stopped me for jaywalking and then tasered me after exchanging a few words...

Police: Turn around.

Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round...

Police: TURN AROUND!!

Me: BRIGHT EYES, Every now and then I fall apart. And you I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ev--AHHHHHH!

Two new recruits were on the deck of a ship.

One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?"

Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band."

"There is no band on this ship."

"No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."

I had a date tonight. It was pretty sweet.

Next, I'm going to try a fig.

For a moment, i had a different opinion on 'Chinese girls'

This Valentines day, I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

"Hello everyone, welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous."

"I see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."

A man was meeting a girlfriend somewhere...

And she said: "is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
He replied: "Either way, we're having sex tonight"

Boy: Hey wanna see a movie with me tonight?

Girl: I have a boyfriend.

Boy: and i have a math test tomorrow.

Girl: What does that have to do with anything?

Boy: I thought we were listing things we were going to cheat on.

18 year old: Dad I turn 18 today!

Dad: great, I'm taking you the strip club tonight.

18 year old: No, I already said I didn't want that.

Dad: Nicole, someone needs to work in this house.

I was thinking about spending $100 to watch the boxing match tonight...

But why would I spend money to see Mayweather when I can just look outside?

What did microsoft say to the attractive girl in the room?

Can I crash at your place tonight?

Headaches

A man and his wife are getting into bed for the night. The man brings a glass of water and a bottle of aspirin to the bedroom and sets it down on his wife's nightstand. She asks him "What's that for?" to which the man replies "That's for your headache." "Headache? I don't have a headache..." The man responds "Well then, looks like we're having sex tonight!"

My parents asked me if I wanted to watch Dumb and Dumber with them tonight..

When I went downstairs the debate was on.

My wife is actually mad at me for being so excited to see her mother tonight....

The viewing is at 7pm.

So two condoms walk into a bar..

.. They quickly realize that it is a gay bar. One condom turns to the other and says, "Dude. We are gonna get shitfaced tonight!"

Went to dinner with my girlfriend tonight and got called a pedophile because I'm 30 and she's 19.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

I just received a chain letter and if I don't re-send it a dead woman will appear in my closet....

Guess who's getting laid tonight.

I'm introducing my girlfriend to my parents for the first time tonight

I told my girlfriend my parents were partially deaf, so she has to speak loud and slow. I told my parents my girlfriend is retarded.....this should be an interesting night.

I totally forgot the Super Bowl was tonight!

Don't worry; so did the ~~Patriots~~ Falcons.

A little boy comes downstairs in the middle of the night and asks for a cup of water.

Dad: OK, but that's the 730th one you've had tonight...

Boy: I know, but my room's still on fire

I text my wife tonight, "Honey, I'm going to stay in the bar another hour with my friends for another pint..."

"...if I'm not back in an hour then read this message again."

I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...

to fulfill my fantasy... that we have health insurance.

Einstein walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "What's the deal, Einstein? You look like you're out of energy tonight."

Einstein responds: "Eh, no matter."

[BTW this was original]

A man walks into a store to buy condoms

He notices that there are Olympic condoms on sale. He returns home and tells his wife, "Honey I bought Olympic condoms for us tonight!"

Wife: What's so special about them.

Husband: Well, there's a gold one, a silver one and a bronze one.

Wife: Which one are you gonna wear tonight?

Husband: The gold one of course!

Wife: Why don't you wear the silver one, it would be nice if you came second for a change.

I bet you $20 I can tell you the score of the big game tonight before it even starts.

Broncos: 0 Panthers: 0

Girl, are you a termite?

Because you're gonna get a mouthful of wood tonight

What's the Mummy's plan to destroy Superman?

He's going to lure him into the crypt tonight.

Did you hear they're doing a remake of Dumb and Dumber?

It's on tonight on every major network, tonight at 9.

Husband and wife decide to make a password...

...for sex,
they decide on 'washing machine'.
Later in bed that night husband says,
Washing machine.
Wife replies, Not tonight darling I have a sore head.
Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says,
Washing machine.
Husband replies,
Too late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand.

Olympic condoms (nsfw)

A boyfriend buys Olympic colored condoms, and tells his girlfriend it's because there are 3 colors Gold, Silver and Bronze. He tells her "tonight i think i'll wear the gold" she replied "i wish you would wear the silver one". "Why?" the boyfriend asks. "It would be great if you came second for a change!"

[Bad Pickup Line] I know I'm not the best looking guy here tonight...

but I'm the only one talking to you...

Not all UK politicians will cry tonight

but Theresa May

Ok Chicago, please be responsible. If the game doesn't go your way tonight...

At least act like you've been there before.

So, tonight at the library I asked the librarian if they had any books on turtles

"Hardback?" she inquired. "Yes" I said. "and little heads."

NSFW 16 year old boy comes back home from a party strutting and with a huge grin on his face.

His dad sees this and comments: "Well, looks like someone had a good time tonight."
The kid replies: "You could say that - I just lost my virginity tonight!"
Dad, bursting with pride at his little man, says: "Well come on over, sit next to your ole' dad and tell me about it."
The kid falls silent for a moment and says: "I... can't sit."

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said,

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629.

My imaginary friend's coming to stay tonight

So I've made up a bed for him

Not Tonight

Guy brings his wife a glass of water and two pills. She looks puzzled. "What's this?"

He says, "Oh, these are your aspirin, sweetheart."

She says, "I don't have a headache."

To which the husband replies, "AH HA!"

A chemist walks into a bar...

He says to the bartender, "Tonight all drinks are on me!"

The bartender says to him, "you must've had a good day today, what happened?"

"I finally found a way to make a stable molecule from a barium atom, two sodium atoms, and a sulfur atom!" the chemist proudly replies.

"Wow," says the bartender, "that's BaNaNaS!"

Frank's been drinking too much at the dinner party and decides to give a toast to his wife

"To my wife, the love of my life, and the sexiest woman I know. But it's too bad only one of those three is here tonight!"

There was a burst of laughter from the crowd, but Frank's wife took it in stride, raising here glass for a toast of her own.

"To my husband, a good provider, and the father of my children. Too bad only one of those could make it."

The Meaning of dreams

One morning, after she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?" "Maybe you'll find out tonight…," he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled:"The Meaning of Dreams."

Welcome to the Plastic Surgery Addiction Clinic

I can see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I've gotta say, I'm pretty dissapointed.

I'm gonna dress up as Forest Gump tonight and go to the movies and make a a scene.

Then I will have to apologize for ruining their Black Panther party

A Chinese girl asked to get a ride from me.

so I said no problem give me your number I will call you when I leave home

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "HOLD ON!"


Then her friend said, "She means ....666-3629."

Marriage is like having your favorite meal every day...

At first, it's great! But after a week, you're thinking, "Eh, I kinda feel like having Asian tonight."

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad.

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.
The man says Oh just a beer .
The bartender asked the man Whats wrong,why are you so down today? .
The man said My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would'nt talk to me for a month .
The bartender said So whats wrong with that ?
The man siad Well the month is up tonight .

There's a huge party at the orphanage tonight

Their parents are gone.

I have a 50% chance to get laid tonight.

I mean, if 1 out of 2 persons wants it, that's 50%, right?

One shop owner turns and asks another...

So, have you had any reactions yet to your ad that you're looking for a night guard?


He replied.
Yeah, we got robbed tonight.

So I was driving home from work tonight, I saw a woman texting whilst driving.

It infuriated me so much I threw my beer bottle at her car.

Words that start with "S" suck.

Girl: Tom, I've come to realize something about the letter s.

Boy: Tell me.

Girl: Words that start with s suck.

Boy: What do you mean?

Girl: Well, snakes suck. So does a sting, and so does getting stabbed.

Boy: Well, Sally, if thats the case I'd like to have you over tonight for dinner.

I was flirting with an Asian girl at a bar last night when I decided to ask for her number.

She replied, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"

I said, "Wow!"

Then her friend said, "She means 6663629".

A racist, a sexist and a priest walk into a bar.

The bartender says: "Hey Bill, drinking alone tonight?"

A Priest and a Prostitute

One night, a priest walked up to a prostitute he saw on the street corner.

Hoping to shame her into mending her ways he asked "Young lady, what would your mother do if she saw you here tonight?"

The prostitute went white and replied "Oh, she'd kill me! This is her corner!"

Lets go to the symphony

Beethoven: You guys want some symphonies tonight!?

Crowd: **cheers loudly**

Beethoven: I can't hear you!

Moore doesn't care that he lost tonight NSFW

word on the street is he prefers to come in a little behind.

I had to cancel my dsylexics meeting tonight

I never go out on Friday the 13th

Neo nazis are like cats...

If they like you, you're probably feeding them


Source: last week tonight

The big bed...

Three salesmen are travelling together when their car breaks down. They walk to the nearest town and go into the bar. Over a couple of rounds of drinks, they explain their situation to the bartender who tells them,

"I have a bed in the back room. It's just one bed, but it should be big enough for all three of you to stay for tonight."

The three salesmen agree and continue drinking. At closing time, the bartender kicks all the other customers out and shows the salesmen to the room where the bed is. The three of them immediately pass out for the night.

The next morning, the man who slept on the left side of the bed says,

"Man, I had this incredible dream that I was getting a handjob from a beautiful woman!"

The man who slept on the right side of the bed says,

"Hey, I had a dream that I was getting a handjob from a beautiful woman as well!"

The man who slept in the middle says,

"I had a dream that I was skiing!"

Chad's wife decided to surprise him on his birthday

and to show him that she's a cool wife, she took him to a strip club.

At the club:

Bouncer: Hi Chad! How you doing tonight?

Wife: How does he know you?

Chad: We play golf together!

Bartender: Evening Chad! The usual?

Wife: And how does he know you?!

Chad: Um, he's on the bowling team!

Hot blonde stripper: Hey sexy, champagne room again tonight?

At this point the wife loses it and storms out of the club, dragging Chad with her, into a taxi.

Taxi driver: Hey Chad! Boy... You picked a fat one tonight huh? Same motel?

A farmer's 3 daughters are going on a date

A farmer is concerned that all 3 of his daughters are going on a date tonight. He decided he'll greet each man who shows up tonight with his shotgun in hand.

The first man to ring the doorbell greets the farmer with, "Hi, my names Joe.
I'm here for Flo.
We're going to see the show.
Is she ready to go?"

The farmer likes this fellow and sends Joe and Flo off.

The second man to show up says,
"Hello, I'm Eddy.
I'm looking for Betty.
We're gonna go eat some spaghetti.
Is she ready?"

The farmer decides this guys okay too so off they go.

The third man rings the doorbell says,
"Hey, my name's Chuck."

And the farmer shot him.

Little Johnny at it again...

Little Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye.
After a few days of this happening, the teacher became very worried and asked him about it.

Johnny's answer was: "Our house is very small Miss. Me, my mum and my dad, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Johnny are you sleeping?' Then I say 'No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a black eye."

So the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet and don't say a word".

The following morning Little Johnny comes to school and no black eye, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief. The day after that, Johnny comes back with a massive black eye again.

"My goodness Johnny, another black eye? What happened?"

Johnny explains: "Miss, Dad asked me again, 'Johnny are you sleeping?.... and I shut up and kept very still. Then my dad and my mum started moving {you know} at the same time. Mum was breathing heavy and kicking her legs all over the place.....
Then my dad asks me mum: 'Are you coming?' Then my mum says, 'Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?' and my dad answered 'Yes'.

They don't usually go anywhere without me, so i said 'Wait for me..."

A man comes home to his wife...

Upon entering their home he promtly asks her, "hey honey, do you want to play the rape game tonight?", a flat and unenthusiastic "no" is her response, to which he replies excitedly "good sport"

Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover and a throbbing black eye.

The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: Dear, breakfast is made. I've gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!

He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there's breakfast. Joe, he says to his son, what happened last night?

You came home soused and got that black eye tripping over a chair.

So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?

Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your clothes, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!'

My girlfriend reminds me of my pinky toe

She's small, cute, and will probably end up getting banged on my coffee table tonight

A priest said that masturbation is the devils typewriter

Guess im writing a novel tonight

Hey Cutie, you remind me of my little toe you know that?

Why? Because Im cute?

No Because Im gonna bang you on the coffee table later on tonight. ;)

Young couple codewords

The bashfull newlyweds decided to talk about "laundry" when one was interested in sex. A Year later, when the new was off, the Husband asked "do you want to help me do the laundry tonight?"
Wife: "No, I am too tired".
The next night: "I have a headache". Next
On the following night: "I just don't feel like it".
Finally wife says: "How about doing the Laundry tonight".
Hubby's reply: "No worries, Dear, it was just a small load and I did it by hand!"

Star wars dad joke heard tonight

Dad "Chewbacca seems kinda big for an ewok..."

Me "he's a wookie. "

Dad "he can't be, he's been in lots of movies now."

How to make Tonight jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Tonight to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Tonight? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Tonight pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes