Ton Jokes

Following is our collection of soup puns and enter one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Ton jokes for adults, dirty jokes jokes and clean heard dad gags for kids.

The Best Ton Puns

What's heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?

A ton of feathers. Because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?

The feathers.

Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

Dunno what this WiFi dude did

But I've seen a ton of bars and restaurants demanding his freedom lately

I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup.

It was Won Ton.

I couldn't afford a nice television, so I just smoked a ton of weed and read the dictionary.

High definition.

What is heavy forwards and not backwards?


I put a Honk if you think I'm sexy bumper sticker on my car.

My self confidence is skyrocketing!

A *TON* of people think I'm sexy at this green light right now....

"I have married a ton of women but not once have I ever had sex. It's unfair!" a man complained in a bar.

"well," said the bartender, "what were you expecting, Father Peter?"

Sorry... dad joke.

Two kids camping in the backyard

Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them have watches.

"What time do you think it is?" One of them asks the other.

"Just make a ton of noise" says the other.

The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyways. After a few seconds of screaming a light turn on in another yard and a neighbour yells "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"

LPT: How to make friends

I've been doing this for years and now I have a ton of friends. Just tell all the girls you know you love them. Then when they turn you down, they'll say "Sorry, I don't like you that way, but can we just be friends?".

My wife went to the doctor yesterday and was diagnosed with the broken-vacuum-cleaner syndrome

It means that they make a ton of noise and don't suck anymore.

I ordered 1000 kg of Chinese soup

It was won ton.

I just saved a ton on car insurance....

By fleeing the scene.

You know, Hitler must have been a pretty great artist.

There are a ton of museums dedicated to his work, after all.

What does 2,000 pounds of Chinese food weigh?

Won ton.

I just saved a ton of money on my Christmas shopping by expressing my political views on facebook.

I hate how if a guy sleeps with a ton of girls hes a legend

But when a girl does it, its my wife.

What is 2000 pounds of Chinese soup?

Won ton.

Did you hear about the haunted hair salon?

I heard a ton of people have dyed there

Dab ton.

It's admittedly not the best joke, but it's not bad if you read it backwards.

How do you make an elephant float?

Take one elephant, two tons of ice cream, and one ton of soda. Blend.

What weighs more, a ton of gold or a ton of feathers?

The feathers, cause you have to carry around the weight of what you did to those poor birds

Which weighs more? A ton of feathers? Or a ton of steel?

Feathers. You'll have to carry the weight of what you did to all those birds.

If a 100 ton Brachiosaurus stepped on you...

Youd be deeply impressed

What do you call a ton of free weed?


Dad bought me an escort for my 18th birthday!

I was a little disappointed when she turned out to be old, smelled terrible and was filfthy. She definitely had a ton of experience but she was very rusty.

I asked Dad to get his money back, I don't like Fords.

I was gonna tell a time travelling joke..

But it seems it has already been reposted a ton of times.

What's heavier: a ton of gold or a ton of feathers?

The feathers.

The gold's weight is measured using the Troy measurement system in which an ounce is 12 "regular" ounces.

The more you know...

What do you call a 2000 pound spanish toilet that sings?

El Ton John

What was the name of the heaviest man in china?

Won ton

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

A hippo weighs a ton while a zippo is a little lighter.

Head and Shoulders

There are two women in an elevator. One blonde, one brunette. A man walks in. This man has a severe case of dandruff. The brunette says to the blonde "This guy has a ton of dandruff, we should give him some head and shoulders".The blonde replies back saying " How do we give shoulders".

How much did those noodles weigh?

Won Ton!

A banker tells his client that a £1,000,000 investment will turn into a ton of money!

So the the client asks "How much is a ton of money"

The banker responds "Two Thousand Pounds"

You're American when...

(if you're not American, feel free to replace it with whatever you are)

After drinking a ton of liquids you go to the bathroom. You're American before you enter the restroom, and you're American after you exit the bathroom, what are you inside the bathroom?










I saved a cat today.

It was a ton of work getting him into my piggy bank.

My parents disowned me because they were under the impression I was gay.

It hit me like a ton of dicks.

My dad is under the impression that I'm gay.

It's hit me like a ton of dicks.

I recently found out I'm a hypochondriac ...

Which totally sucks because I hear that puts me at risk for a TON of other serious diseases

How much rest does a bad Sheppard get?

Not a ton, he has a lot of sheepless nights.

Why is it that when a guy nails a ton of girls, he's called a stud...

...but when he nails a ton of studs, he's in construction?

How many palindromes do I know of?

Not a ton

What's the heaviest soup?

One ton soup.

What did elephant say to his girlfriend?

"I love you a ton"

Did you hear about the guy who burnt down the Chinese restaurant?

He was charged with won ton destruction

^^*cue* ^^*groan*

How do you pay off a ton of debt in London?


2017 has been great so far! I've lost about 105 pounds!

I mean, I missed her at first but I've saved a ton of money

Funny that when a guy sleeps with a ton of girls he's a stud..

Yet, when I do it, I'm a lesbian

There are a ton of nihilists protesting downtown today...

They're part of the #NoLivesMatter movement.

A blonde was walking by a field...

And saw another blonde in a rowboat paddling away at the dirt and stirring up a ton of dust.
The blonde walking called out, "Hey! What are you doing?!"
The other blonde replied, "I'm trying to get over to the barn! Could you help me?"
The blonde walking retorted, "Well, I would but I can't swim."

2000$ a lot of money, but 2000£ is a ton

A long time ago in a ghetto far far away...

...Yoda was walking down the street, wearing a ton of bling. Necklaces, bracelets, gold teeth, the works. A passer-by stops him and says, "Wow, Yoda, that's a ton of bling!"

Yoda replied, "For show, mine is all."

I've had sex with a ton of women.

Or 6 if we are going by individuals.

A man is watching tv with his dog.

He looks at it and says.

Man: I wish you could talk, then I could make a ton of money.

Dog: No one will believe you...

What do you call 2,000 lbs of steaming broth?

Won ton soup

I destroyed a bag of leftover Chinese food

It was an act of won ton destruction.

What do you call 2000 lbs of Muslims?

A Shiite ton.

Given social distancing regulations, a ton of condiment companies are being forced to cancel July 4th campaigns like sponsored concerts, where they planned to hand out signature color sunglasses to attendees.

Bad idea, Heinz-Sight 2020.

Eurt ton spelled backwards is false

No, I was joking, it's not true

I saw this great movie while staying at this hotel. It had a ton of gunfights, cowboys, and saloons.

It was The Best Western I've ever seen.

Americans got tired of using metric tons so they made up a new unit of weight.

New ton

People on this sub need to stop thinking they can get a ton of likes just by saying "bus driver"

said the bus driver

I went to church on Sunday and did confession after.

You should have heard what people told me, I had to give out a ton of Our Fathers.

My friend looked at me funny when I was shouting "Get out of my pocket Obama!"

Not my fault there was a ton of change in there

If I know anything about girls, it's that they appreciate privacy.

Trust me I've read a ton of diaries.

What would be a good punchline for this joke?

I'm usually good at this, but I can't think of how to end this line: Shane Battier is on the ground more than _____." There's a ton of good punchlines floating around for it, but I can't seem to grasp one.

Doctor: "*I have some pressing news...*"

Me: "*Lay it on me Doc*"

Dr: "*I'll put this as lightly as I can, You have a mild blunt-force-trauma allergy*"

Me: "*Well, that hit me like a ton of bricks!*"

Dr: "*Don't let this hold you down...*"

Me: "*I's it congenital - because if it is, my kids'll be crushed*"

If someone tells you something cost a ton , how much does it actually cost?

2000 pounds

TIL that the average person weighs 150 pounds, so a ton of people is about 13 people.

Now I know what my wife meant when she said she's slept with a ton of people in the last month.

What's the fattest chinese man called?

Uan ton

There is an abundance of abbot jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 70 funniest jokes and ton puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any boatload witze you can hear about ton.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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