Tomorrow Jokes
140 tomorrow jokes and hilarious tomorrow puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about tomorrow that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for a chuckle? Look no further! This article features a collection of tomorrow jokes that are sure to make you smile. From "together tomorrow x" to "the day after tomorrow" - get ready to enjoy some laughs! Read on to see what tomorrow has in store!
Quick Jump To
Funniest Tomorrow Short Jokes
Short tomorrow jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The tomorrow humour may include short tonight jokes also.
- My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again. Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.
- I asked my boss "what's the difference between your wife and tomorrow?" "I'm not coming in tomorrow"
Haven't seen this one here so if it's been posted before I'm sorry - I told the cop, You can't write me a ticket. I have a marathon to run tomorrow. The cop said, Sir, that's not how you play the race card.
- Tomorrow I am going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid. I can't wait to see how big my puppy got
- Just been chatting to my neighbour's teenage daughter and it turns out she's really into UFOs and alien. Which is cool because tomorrow she's getting abducted.
- My wife and I decided we don't want children... ...if anybody does, we can drop them off tomorrow.
- Should we create an English word for the 'day after tomorrow'? Or would that be too forward thinking?
- JOB OPPORTUNITY: Riot police officers needed. interview are being held tomorrow. Come early....
....beat the crowd.
- Russia has announced early results from the election The election isn't until tomorrow, but they've already announced that Putin has won.
- Taylor swift waved at a boy yesterday But he didn't wave back... So she will have a new album coming out tomorrow.
Share These Tomorrow Jokes With Friends
Tomorrow One Liners
Which tomorrow one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with tomorrow? I can suggest the ones about noon and someday.
- Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa Because tomorrow he turns 81!
- Tomorrow is 2-22-22 Happy Twos-day
- Tomorrow's date will be 11/11 Unless you're from the UK, in which case it'll be 11/11
- I had a date last night. It was perfect.
Tomorrow I'll try a grape. - Tomorrow my son and I are getting new eyeglasses. And after that? We'll see.
- I accidentally said Hello to a feminist the other day. The court trial starts tomorrow.
- If you think Friday is a sad day, I've got some bad news for you. Tomorrow is Sadder Day.
- I've finally found a job I can see myself in. I start at the mirror factory tomorrow!
- How do you keep a fool waiting? I'll tell you tomorrow.
- Landed my dream job at a guillotine factory Will beheading there tomorrow
- A procrastinator walks in to a bar I'll tell you the rest tomorrow
- I'm going to the reverse origami championship tomorrow Can't wait to see how it unfolds
- My plan tomorrow is to visit my optometrist. After that, we'll see.
- is your refrigerator running? Good, mine too. See you at the refrigerator race tomorrow.
- Wrote a letter today. Might move on to numbers tomorrow.
Day After Tomorrow Jokes
Here is a list of funny day after tomorrow jokes and even better day after tomorrow puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Got home from work today to find my kids have been on ebay all day. If they are still there tomorrow I will lower the price.
- The CDC warns tomorrow could be one of the worst days ever for Covid. Because after the inauguration people everywhere will simultaneously exhale.
- I treat every day like I am running a marathon tomorrow... I rest, load up on carbs and don't run.
- First Day At School The child comes home from his first day at school.
His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow." - What do you call that day when you finally do all the chores and work you've let pile up? Tomorrow
- I only drink on days that start with "T" Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday, Thunday.
- I told my gf she doesn't have to do the dishes on women's day Honey, you don't have to do the dishes today. Today is your day. You can do them tomorrow
- What did the winter solstice say to the shortest day of the year? "Hey, cheer up! Tomorrow will be a little longer."
- Before my buddy died I asked him if there was football in heaven. A few days later I saw his ghost. He said
"Good news, there is. Bad news, you're playing in goal tomorrow." - Procrastinators are constantly mad at themselves about how they keep procrastinating and telling themselves that they'll "do better tomorrow" But that's a story for another day
See You Tomorrow Jokes
Here is a list of funny see you tomorrow jokes and even better see you tomorrow puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My plan for tomorrow is to get some new glasses After that I guess I'll just see what happens
- My friend was bummed today because his blind dog has cancer and he is going to have to put her down tomorrow. I wanted to cheer him up, so I said well, at least she won't see it coming.
- My Australian friend asked me to go see the new James Bond My Australian friend asked me to go see the new James Bond.
I said "No time to die"?
He replied: we can go tomorrow then! - I'm going to go buy a bathroom scale and some glasses tomorrow. My plans after that? Weight and see.
- Patient: Doctor every night i see ants playing football Doctor: It's okay take these pills
Patient: No way tomorrow is the final - They say "Be the change you want to see in others" So I've decided to get big breast transplant tomorrow
- I'm going to the new Tom Cruise movie at midnight. Seeing it on the Edge of Tomorrow.
- What did the scythe say about his morning to the farmer letting him sleep in the guest room? Tomorrow I must Reap, host.
I'll see myself out..... - I HIT THE LOTTERY TONIGHT! Just kidding I will see you all at work tomorrow, yup, 8 sharp.
- Tomorrow I am going to dig up the $100 cash I buried as a kid. I can't wait to see how much its worth now.
Tomorrow Never Comes Jokes
Here is a list of funny tomorrow never comes jokes and even better tomorrow never comes puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Today and Tomorrow are in bed... Today is smoking a cigarette and looks over at Tomorrow who is sulking and says, "I'm sorry you never come."
Quirky and Hilarious Tomorrow Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.
What funny jokes about tomorrow you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean today learnt jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make tomorrow pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A college professor reminds her class of the next day's final exam saying, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever"
A guy sitting at the back asks, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter s**... exhaustion?"
The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
A mother is helping her son study for a geography test.
She asks him: "What is the capital of Germany?"
"Berlin," says the boy.
"What is the capital of France?"
"Berlin," says the boy.
"What is the capital of Russia?"
"Berlin," says the boy.
"Good job, Adolf, you'll do great on your test tomorrow."
Russian prime minister Medvedev comes to Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.
" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
"Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor stuff. Remember when that Polish plane crashed with their president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The man came home early from work to find his wife lying n**... on the bed, crying her eyes out.
What's wrong? he asked.
I've got nothing to wear to the dance tomorrow night, she
sobbed.
Oh come on now! You've plenty of clothes, and with that
he went over to the wardrobe. See here, there's the nice
pink dress, the pale blue skirt, the yellow cocktail dress, hi
there Tom, the green silk gown…
As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.
She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"
A black guys walks into a bank...
... says "I'm looking for a job!"
The bank manager says, "Well, you're in luck! We have a position opening tomorrow that pays $48,000 a year and has access to a free car!"
The black guy says "You're joking."
The bank manager says "Well, you started it!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A college teacher reminds her class of the next day's final exam.
Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!
A smart-a**... guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter s**... exhaustion?
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head sweetly.
Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
A father takes his son to the casino.
A father takes his son to the casino and they lose $1,000 in one hour.
Dad tells his disappointed son don't worry son we'll come back tomorrow and do better
The next day they come back to the casino and the dad grabs $1,000 and throws it in the garbage and heads for the exit.
The son asks his dad wtf he's doing and the dad says yesterday we lost time and money, today we only lost money
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Tomorrow I'm having skin grafted from my b**... onto my hand and I cope with humor. Make me laugh.
I'm going to have to ask my girlfriend if she wants to try b**... stuff just so we can hold hands.
The surgeon's going to hand my a**... to me.
If I high five someone did they technically s**... my a**...?
I just heard that my grandma has finally stopped smoking.....
We can collect her ashes tomorrow.
How many seconds in a year joke
a person died and reached the gates of heaven. An angel was guarding the gates. The Angel said "to enter the heaven, you need to answer 3 questions". The person agreed.
A : name 2 days of a week, that starts with letter T.
P : Today and tomorrow
A: ok, I can accept that. How many seconds are there in a year?
P: 12 seconds
A: (shocked) how come?
P: Jan 2nd, Feb 2nd, March 2nd ...
A: you can go in
A guy looking to get fired calls his boss and says, Hey boss, what's the difference between your daughter and tomorrow?
I'm not coming in tomorrow.
Mom, someone called me gangster at school today.
Mom: Dont worry I'll go tomorrow and solve this problem
Son: Make sure it looks like an accident.
A girl walks in to the dry cleaners
A girl walks in to the dry cleaners and places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress".
The clerk was somewhat preoccupied and didn't quite catch what she said, so he asked "Come again?".
"No. This time it's mayonnaise"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An apple and a p**... were floating down the river.
The p**... yells: "Apple, apple, come play with me." The apple says: "No! Ew! Stay away from me!"
A little further down the river the p**... yells again, "Apple, apple, come play with me." The apple disgustingly replies, "No! Ew! Stay away from me!"
Suddenly a man grabs the apple out the river and takes a bite. The p**... shouts to apple, "See you tomorrow!"
Little Johnny
"Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "Can you give me twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not."
"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.' "
A Dad picks his son up from school
Dad: what did you learn at school today, son?
Son: apparently not enough, I have to go back tomorrow.
So a man is walking a penguin down the street...
So a man is walking a penguin down the street on a lead. A policeman sees him and stops the man.
The policeman says, "what are you doing?! Take that penguin to the zoo!"
A week later, the policeman sees the man with the penguin again.
He says, "hey, I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!"
The man replies: "I did! He loved it! We're going to the theme park tomorrow!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Should've been more specific
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really p**....
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A college teacher said this about the finals tomorrow.
She said "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tommorow. I might consider something like a car c**..., or trump wins, but that's all. A student in the back of the room asked "What if i was suffering from complete s**... exhaustion?" The whole class laughed, but was silenced when the teacher said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There was an old professor who started every class with a v**... joke.
After one particularly n**... example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.
The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of w**... in India?
With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.
Wait, ladies, cried the professor, The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!
A lady walks into a dry cleaners...
...she's carrying a beautiful black dress. She tells the clerk, "I'll need to pick this up tomorrow."
The clerk, hard of hearing and distracted, innocently asks, "come again?"
Unfazed, she replies, "No. Vanilla ice cream this time."
I'm starting a new business tomorrow.
It will be a gym for two weeks in January, and then a beer and burger place for the rest of the year.
I'm calling it, "Resolutions."
Annoyed by the professor of anatomy
who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."
I have an archaeology exam tomorrow
And it doesn't matter if I pass or fail because either way...
My future's in ruins.
Bob was in trouble
He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
The kidnap
A blonde is running a little short of cash, so she goes to the playground and kidnaps Johnny.
She takes him to her home and writes a note:
\- If you want to see Johnny again, leave $10,000 in unmarked bills in a plain paper bag by the merry-go-round at the playground by 8 AM tomorrow. Signed, A Blonde.
She pins the note to Johnny's shirt and sends him home.
In the morning she goes to the playground, and sure enough, there is the plain brown bag containing a large stack of bills, along with a note that reads,
\- How could you do this to a fellow blonde?
A Jewish man goes to his rabbi for help
"Rabbi, what should I do?" he asks. "My son just converted to Christianity."
"I'm not sure," the rabbi replied. "Let me ask God. Come back tomorrow."
The man goes back the next day. "Sorry," the rabbi said. "God told me He has the same problem."
A man that can't talk goes to the doctor
A man walks into his doctor's office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It said, "I can't talk! Help me!"
The doctor nodded sagely and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table. The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered.
The doctor quickly picked up a big book and whacks the man's thumb with it as hard as he could.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" the man yelled.
"Good, good," the doctor said. "Come back tomorrow and we'll work on the 'B'."
Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.
"Why"? Putin asks
" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep, - I woke you up at 4AM in the morning, but I thought it was only evening, - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday, - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
"Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor, remember when that Polish plane crashed with the president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet !!"
My wife is turning 62 tomorrow. I tell her not to get too excited as she will only have one minute to enjoy it. Confused, she asked, "what do you mean?"
It's your sixty second birthday.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wrong Email
A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's f**.... He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A wife went to the beach and didn't return. A husband called the police.
The police came in a week.
- We have 3 news for you: good, bad and great.
- Let's start with the bad one.
- Your wife drowned - we pulled her out of the water.
- And what is the good news?
- We have picked up a bucket of large c**... from her body.
- And what is the great news?
- We'll pull it out again tomorrow. Let's go for a beer!
A Day Off
An man goes to see his boss..
Boss, he says, we're doing some heavy house-cleaning tomorrow before my mother-in-law arrives for Christmas. My wife needs me to help with cleaning, moving and hauling stuff.
COVID has us short-handed, the boss replies. I can't afford to give anyone a day off.
The man says, Thanks boss, I knew I could count on you!
Sean Connery arrives at a grand hotel ready for filming the next day
The director meets him, and is delighted "great to see you, Sean, its an honour to have you join us for this project" he says.
"The pleasure is mine" Sean replies, "though it's been a long drive and I'm tired. Is my room ready?"
"Of course, of course, I have your key right here", he says handing over the key. "I appreciate its quite late so we'll have a bit of a later start tomorrow. Are you happy to meet us in the lobby for ten-ish?"
"Tennish?" asks Sean, "but I didn't even bring my racket!"
... An old joke in honor of the great man.
The teacher asked Little jimmy, if I give you 4 cats today and 2 more tomorrow, how many cats will you have? Little Jimmy said, Seven The teacher said, no Jimmy, four plus two equals six. Why did you say seven?
Little Jimmy said, because I already have a cat!
My brother is turning 32 tomorrow, so I told him not to get his hopes up.
When he asked why, I replied:
"Well, it'll be pretty short. It is your thirty-second birthday after all."
A time sensitive joke for you guys tomorrow..
Knock Knock
Who's there?
9/11
9/11 who?
You said you'd never forget.
Just asked Siri 'surely the weather is not going to be this miserable again tomorrow?'
Siri replied, 'yes it will be and don't call me Shirley'
Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode
My wife makes my pancakes too thin.
Tomorrow morning I am telling her I am sick of her crepe.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks "How do you guys relieve your s**... tension?
"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first."
The doctor not knowing what to do stands cluelessly until a tribesman explains to him: " Use the donkey".
The doctor: " what?"
"Yes use it, mount it"
The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have s**... with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc? We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Camped
Dad: We're going camped tomorrow, and I think we'll go extra deep into the woods.
Son: That sounds really fun, but wouldn't the proper statement be 'we're going camping.'
Dad: Normally, yes, but the verb changes because I'm sure we'll be going past tents.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Today I popped a G string while f**... a minor.
I'm going to the violin repair shop tomorrow.
A man is talking to his doctor about a recurring dream he keeps having.
"I keep dreaming about a soccer match between elephants and mice" the patient said
"No worries" says the doctor and gives the patient some medicine, "take this just before bed and you'll have a dreamless sleep"
"Ok, thank you doctor" responded the man "but can I start it tomorrow? The finals are tonight"
An old man goes back to bed ...
And asks his wife " does the light in our bathroom turn on and off automatically ", she replies with "No why?", the old man sighs and says "well.... I'm going to buy a new fridge tomorrow"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two old friends meet in bar...
[translated from Turkish]
-Hey Jack! How have you been! It's been months!
-Bonjour Monsieur ! Indeed, it's been a while
-"Bonjour Monsieur"? What's this French?
-Mais biensur !
-Don't screw with me Jack. I know you don't know French. We both went to the same school and we never had any French lessons!!
-No, no! I'm learning via the radio. 99.3 FM. Every day at 10AM you have French lessons. Very easy, I suggest you try.
-Oh, ok, cool I'll give a try tomorrow.
Next morning he calls Jack:
-Yo Jack, I have those old radios with a needle for tuning. Does it work with those old radios too?
-Sure! Scroll to 99, then go a little further to the right.
-Oh cool! Thx!
-Mais de rien !
-oh! s**... already...
Couple of weeks later, he meets Jack again. And Jack asks:
-Salut mon ami, How is your French?
- Shhhszzzzoussssshzzziuhli! (static noise)
[probably not the best written joke :/]
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
two of my friends are getting married tomorrow. what are your favorite wedding/marriage jokes?
The more crass, v**..., and inappropriate, the better.
Sleeping with POTUS
The night before the election, Mitt Romney was very confident & told his Wife Ann; "...this time tomorrow night, you'll be sleeping with the
President of the United States". After Mitt's concession speech, they headed to bed. Ann was getting undressed when she asked,.."...so how does this work? Is Barrack coming over here or I'm supposed
to go over there?"
Quick Thinking
Teacher says, "Whoever can answer my next question, is free to leave class."
One little boy chucks his backpack out the window.
Teacher asks, "Who threw that bag?"
Little boy, "Me! I'll see you tomorrow!"
A Texas Salesman
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job.
The manager asks him, "Do you have any sales experience?"
"Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
"One."
"Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
"$79,237.64."
His boss is astounded. "$79,237.64? What did you sell him?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine SeaRay. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Suburban."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
The young man replied, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
Bob had forgotten his wedding anniversary and was in trouble.
His wife was really angry.
She told him, Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"
Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"
Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorogically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."
Facebook..in real life...
Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.
Therefore, every day I go down on the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do tomorrow night. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool.
I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them.
And it works.
I already have 3 persons following me: 2 police officers and a psychiatrist.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, the fire dwindling nearby, Holmes said: "Watson, look up and tell me what you see".
Watson said "I see a fantastic panorama of countless of stars".
Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"
Watson: "Astronomically, it suggests to me that if there are billions of other galaxies that have roughly similar stellar population densities as represented by my view, that, potentially, trillions of planets may be associated with such a galactic and, therefore, stellar population. Allowing for similar chemical distribution throughout the cosmos it may be reasonably implied that life-and possibly intelligent life-may well fill the universe.
Also, being a believer, theologically, it tells me that the vastness of space may be yet another suggestion of the greatness of God and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, the blackness of the sky and the crispness of the stellar images tells me that there is low humidity and stable air and therefore we are most likely to enjoy a beautiful day tomorrow.
Why? - What does it tell you, Mr. Holmes?"
Holmes: "Someone stole our tent".
A man was walking in Central Park in NYC...
Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says, "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".
The man says, "But I am not a New Yorker!"
"Oh ,then it will say in newspapers tomorrow morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" the policeman replied.
"But I am not even an American!" Says the man.
"Oh, what are you then?" The policeman asks.
The man replies, "I am a Saudi!"
The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog."
