Tom Jokes
149 tom jokes and hilarious tom puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about tom that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Tom Short Jokes
Short tom jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The tom humour may include short john jokes also.
- I met Tom Hanks once. He was so rude I asked for his autograph and all he wrote was thanks.
- What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom. A pick pocket snatches watches.
- Woman calls 911 about a peeping tom in her yard 911: "How do you know he's a peeping tom?"
Woman: "When I asked him what he was doing out there, he said 'I was trying to get a pikachu'". - So Katie Holmes is divorcing Tom Cruise...
Apparently she found out that he'd been in A Few Good Men. - When it comes to trick plays, you have to hand it to Tom Brady... Literally. He can't catch.
- Magician: I can make anything disappear! Tom: (holding up a cup) Really? Make my tea disappear.
Magician: (waves hand) Done!
om: (looks in cup) It didn't work. - A guy goes to the doctor. A guy goes to the doctor.
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual." - Tom Hanks is the rudest celebrity I have ever met I asked for an autograph and all he wrote was Thanks.
- I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley Thanks to months of therapy, I'm finally battling my Damons.
- I ground up my ctrl key and gift wrapped it. The card reads: This is ground ctrl.
TO: Major Tom
(Merry Christmas David Bowie!)
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Tom One Liners
Which tom one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with tom? I can suggest the ones about charlie and mick.
- "I have a split personality." ...said Tom, being frank.
- I saw Tom Hanks today so I asked him for his autograph. He just wrote Thanks.
- A peeping tom fell out if a tree, where did he end up? In the ICU
- What's brass and sounds like Tom Jones? Trombones.
- I stole a tom cruise movie from the store the other day... It was Risky Business.
- What did Tom hanks do in the woods? He took a forrest dump.
- Don't worry about straying from your diet today. It's Tom Brady's cheat day, too.
- What did Tom Brady say when he lost the Superbowl? Man, that Ertz...
- What do you call a communist dog? Karl Barx
Shout-out to "Matt & Tom" for that 😊 - "The lobotomy was a success!" Tom said absentmindedly.
- Did you hear that Tom Brady is running for president? His platform is lowering inflation.
- Tom Brady is 5 times better than nickelback He's a quarterback
- Tom Hanks is so nice… …every time he signs an autograph he writes T.HANKS
- Why didn't Tom Hiddleston want a big birthday party? He wanted to keep it Loki
- Tom was grounded by his parents They said he had no potential
Tom Cruise Jokes
Here is a list of funny tom cruise jokes and even better tom cruise puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Tom Cruise walks into a gay bar... The barman says, "Why the long farce?"
- I told my barber I wanted my hair cut like Tom Cruise So he sat me down on a couple of phone books.
- I went into the barbers today and asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise.... He lifted me up and sat me on a cushion...
- People think Tom Cruise is short for a man It's actually short for "Thomas Cruise"
- Movies you wish Tom Cruise would star in: Remission Impossible
- What did Tom Cruise say when he went to the art museum? Show me the Monet!
- I was going to make a Tom Cruise themed restaurant but decided against it. It would be risky business
- Cruise Control? Is that when you tell Tom what to do?
- Tom Cruise is making a movie about distilling moonshine during prohibition It's called Whisky Business
- Tom Clancy and Tom Cruise got in a fight. One of then put up a novel fight and the other came up short.
Tom Brady Jokes
Here is a list of funny tom brady jokes and even better tom brady puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Donald Trump says that he plans to reduce inflation. Shortly after, Tom Brady announced his intent to vote for Trump.
- What's the difference between Darth Vader and Tom Brady? Darth Vader probably gets high fived
- Tom Brady just announced that he was retiring from football for good. That's a relief because if he was retiring for evil, then evil would probably win.
- Congratulations to Tom Brady, the first player to be undefeated over 5+ Super Bowls. He's won all 5/7.
- Tom Brady has 6 rings... ... and now he can destroy half the NFL with one snap
- Why is Tom Brady against raising the federal minimum wage? He doesn't want things to get too inflated.
- What does Tom Brady have to do if Giselle gets angry? Quarterback
- Report: Tom Brady to retire. Fans hoping for one more season reportedly deflated by the news.
- Tom Brady walks into a bar to watch the Super Bowl.
- What do Tom Brady and Rhonda Rousey have in common? Both struggle to last longer than a minute with a Brazilian woman.
Tom Jones Jokes
Here is a list of funny tom jones jokes and even better tom jones puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My wife finds it strange that my toddler is a huge Tom Jones fan "Well, it's not unusual" i told her
- I have a disorder where I see Tom Jones lyrics wherever I go But it's not unusual
- How rare was the disease that killed Tom Jones' wife? It's not unusual
- Tom Jones visits the doctor… Doctor: Mr Jones, you have the common cold!
Tom Jones: what do you mean by common?
Doctor: It's not unusual! - "I hate when I can't remember the names of Tom Jones songs!" "Does it happen to you a lot?"
"It's not unusual." - Everyone...I've got Tom Jones syndrome.... I wouldn't say it's common, but it's not unusal.
Tom Hanks Jokes
Here is a list of funny tom hanks jokes and even better tom hanks puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I heard Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan are working on a new film made specifically for the blind. It's called "You've Got Braille"
- Yesterday I found myself next to a Hollywood celebrity at a grocery store. Both of us were staring at the cream cheese section. I was …..watching Philadelphia with Tom Hanks.
- In "Captain Sully", technically speaking, Tom Hanks did not fly a plane on to the Hudson River That was falling with style
- Whats Tom Hanks Without Resistance? Tanks
- Authorities discover that Tom Hanks has killed thousands of people with kindness
- Tom Hanks was recently quoted talking about how much he disliked one of Stephen King's novels. T. Hanks: I hate It.
- Guys I just found Tom Hanks' social media password It's 1Forrest1
- Bob Ross, Mr. Rogers, and Tom Hanks walk into a bar...
- Rumor has it Tom Hanks just signed a deal to star in a sequel to one of his greatest 80s blockbusters. Big, if true.
- Tom Hanks coronavirus joke Thanks to the Helpers. Let’s take care of ourselves and each other. Hanx.
Cheerful Fun Tom Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy
What funny jokes about tom you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean mike jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make tom pranks.
Tom was not home at his usual hour and his wife was fuming.
Finally around 3am she heard a noise at the front door and, as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.
Do you realise what time it is?!? she stammered.
He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house.
Immediately her attitude changed, and running down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked What did you buy for the house, dear?"
Tom answered A round of drinks!"
Tom went to the Police Station
Tom went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
You'll get your chance in court. said the Desk Sergeant.
No, no no! said Tom. I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!
Tom had been a compulsive worrier for years...
...until he found a way to overcome this problem.
His friends noticed the dramatic change.
"You don't seem to be worried about anything anymore."
"I hired a professional worrier for $1000.00 a week, Tom replied.
'I haven't had a single problem since."
"A thousand a week," said Doug. "You can't afford that, how are you going to pay him?"
"Tom replied, "That's his problem."
One day, a teacher said "Whoever can answer my next question can get dismissed now".
Tom threw his bag outside the window.
The teacher asked angrily "Who threw the bag?"
Tom answered "It's me! "
Tom got dismissed early.
Oldy repurposed
Trump was feeling the pressure of the office and stood before the protraits of our greatest leaders.
Looking at Washington, the Donald said:
"George, you were the first. Can you give me some advise?"
A ghostly voice replied
"Tell the truth"
Trump knew that wouldn't work, so next went to Jefferson.
" Tom, you wrote the constitution. Do you have any words for me?"
Another voice said "Be for the people"
As he had always placed himself before everyone, Trump moved on.
He stood before Lincoln and asked " Abe, you are one of the greatest. Can you advise me?"
A new voice drifted by saying
"Go to the Theater"
Be careful what you wish for
One for cake day:
Tom finds an old, tarnished lamp. He gets excited, and polishes it vigorously.
A genie appears and say "Congratulations, you get three wishes! What is your first wish?"
Tom says, "I want to be Rich!".
The genie says, "No problem, done. What is your next wish, Rich?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Poor Ajmal.
After playtime, Ms Wilson asks some of her kindergarten kids what they did during playtime.
"What did you do at playtime Tom?"
"I played in the sandpit" said Tom.
"Very good, if you can spell sand, I'll give you a cookie!"
Tom spelled sand and was given a cookie by Ms Wilson.
"What did you do at playtime Sally?"
"I played in the sandpit with Tom" said Sally.
"That's nice, if you can spell pit, I'll give you a cookie!"
Sally spelled pit and was given a cookie by Ms Wilson.
"What did you do at playtime Ajmal?"
"I tried to play in the sandpit, but Sally and Tom threw rocks at me!" said Ajmal.
"That sounds like blatant racial discrimination, If you can spell blatant racial discrimination I'll give you a cookie!".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Words that start with "S" s**....
Girl: Tom, I've come to realize something about the letter s.
Boy: Tell me.
Girl: Words that start with s s**....
Boy: What do you mean?
Girl: Well, snakes s**.... So does a sting, and so does getting stabbed.
Boy: Well, Sally, if thats the case I'd like to have you over tonight for dinner.
Steven Spielberg is casting for his upcoming blockbuster on the history of classical music.
He asks his stars who they want to play. Brad Pitt says, "I want to be Mozart. His pastiche of influences from several European countries has always fascinated me." Tom Cruise chimes in with, "I'd like to be Beethoven. I love the way he handled the transition from Classicism to Romanticism." Arnold Schwarzenegger says, "I'll be Bach."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I heard my ex girlfriend needs a new kidney
I'm not worried, her body hasn't rejected an o**... in 25 years.
-Tom Cotter
Black eye
Tom: "Hey buddy, howya do...whoa! who gave you that black eye?
Sam: "My wife"
Tom: "I thought she was out of town for the weekend."
Sam: "So did I."
Sweet Young Boy
One day, a boy named Tom got on a very crowded bus.
Sitting opposite him was a fat lady who said, "If you were a polite young man, you'd let someone sit down."
"If you were a polite lady," Tom replied, "you'd let FOUR people sit down!"
Tom Hiddleston and Taylor Swift's relationship is over after just three months because he wanted it to be more public...
I guess she wanted it to be more Loki.
Why does Tom Holland never drive?
Because Andrew and Tobey are more experienced parallel Parkers
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dyslexic man walks into a bra
Whole joke in title! New era of convenience! In mother Russia, joke laughs at you!
***Bonus***, since you came in here anyway:
Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A 90 year old man goes to the doctor.
Full disclosure, I got this joke from Tom Jones on Marc Maron's w**... podcast today. Tom's 80, mentally spry like he's 30, and he swears like a sailor.
----
90 year old man goes to the doctor.
Says Doctor, it used to be that I'd get these erections so hard that I couldn't even bend them with two hands! 16, 17, 18 years old, all through my twenties... 30, I could bend a little bit, 40s a little bit more. 50s and 60s I'm getting it to about a 90 degree angle, and now I'm 90 I can bend it in half!
I'm getting stronger, right?"
To see a peeping tom at my window while I'm changing is frightening....
But it still hurts when they reach in and pull the curtains shut
Tom and Larry go to the movies
Tom and Larry go see a movie that features a horse race. Tom turns to Larry and says, "I'll bet you $20 that the white horse wins." Larry responds, "No way. I'll take that bet any day." Unfortunately for Larry, the white horse won. After the movie, Tom says, "you don't have to pay me. I'd already seen this movie, and now I feel bad about making the bet." Larry, looking very confused, replies, "well, so had I, but I didn't think he could do it again."
A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vets
He says: I've come to talk wi' thee about me cat.
The vet replies: is it a tom?
The Yorkshireman says: no, I've brought him here wi' me.
Baseball
A man, Tom was with his friend, Larry, Larry was about to die. "Let me know if there's baseball in heaven". said Tom. The next day as Tom was sleeping he woke up to Larry's voice.
"Tom, I have good news and bad news." "What's the good news"?
asked Tom. "There is baseball in heaven". explained Larry. "What's the bad news"? asked Tom "You're pitching Tuesday". said Larry
As I was leaving work for the day, my boss tried to get me to stay back and finish a report. I told him it sounded like a job for Tom.
Tom Orrow.
Why Tom Hiddleston wasn't in age of ultron.
Maybe Tom Hiddleston wasn't in age of ultron cause he's trying to stay low key.
Teacher: children, what's your biggest fear?
Tom (5): snakes!
Emily (6): lions!
Stanley (5): the unbelievable senselessness of life, and that we will all die a terrible death in our nightmares!
Lilly (6): Stanley!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"I'm into homosexual necrophilia."
...Tom said, in dead earnest.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's Tom Brady's favorite s**... activity?
Deflatio
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I know joking about Tom Cruise's height is low-hanging fruit...
but that's all he can reach.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Tom Cruise is filming a new romantic-action movie in support of body positivity. Both him and the lead actress gained 300lbs for the role.
The movie is called: m**... Impossible.
I dropped my toothpaste!
...Tom exclaimed, crestfallen.
If Major Tom flies really high up, what would you call someone very deep beneath the ground?
Miner Tom
My grandfather was a peeping tom. He used to drill holes in the floor and spy on the people in the flat below.
He died recently, but I like thinking about him up there somewhere, looking down on us.
Tom and his buddy got drunk
Tom took it too far and puked on his shirt.
"Oh no! My wife will kill me she hates when i drink"
"Dont worry. Take this 20$ bill and tell her someone else puked on you and gave you the money for the cleaning."
So it was done.
Tom went home and his wife starts nagging and screaming to poor Tom.
"No honey someone puked on me and gave me 20 bucks for the cleaning. See?"
"And what is the second bill for?"
"Oh someone crapped in my pants too."
My other grandfather was a peeping tom
he use to drill holes in the floor and spy on the people in the apartment below. He died recently but I kind of like thinking about him up there somewhere.....looking down on us.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a Spanish peeping tom?
Señor Boobies.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An immigrant moves to New York City from another country...
He can bearly speak broken English. He notices mice in his apartment and immediately calls the landlord to report the problem. Hello!
-Hello, what's the problem?
-You know Tom and j**...?
-Yes, Tom and j**...?
-Well, j**... problem.
"So how was your golf game today, dear?"
"Well, it was fine until Tom hit a hole-in-one on the third and promptly dropped dead of a heart attack."
"Oh, my! That's terrible!"
"You're telling me! For fifteen holes it was 'hit the ball, drag Tom, hit the ball, drag Tom'."
On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration...
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
Tom lost a foot in a traffic accident.
Years later, he fell in love with Mary. Tom didn't tell Mary his disability, worrying that she might leave him.
Tom loved Mary so much that he proposed to her and she said yes.
The next day after the wedding, Mary called her mother angrily : " My husband has only one foot "
Her mother calmly replied :" Your father has only 6 inches ."
Peeping Tom decided to spend more time at home . . .
He was trying to maintain a proper lurk/wife balance.
This joke is translated from georgian.
A teacher is having a lesson about good deeds.
She teaches the kids to help people cross the road and such.
The next day a group of kids go over to the teacher and one of them says:
Hey teacher, Me, Zach, Andy, George, Tom, John and Luke helped a lady to cross the street.
The teacher asked:
Why so many of you?
The kids answer:
She wasnt crossing.
It's nice to see that celebrities have taken up book writing during the pandemic
One Direction by Kanye West
Guitars by Mel Gibson
Mining by Brad Pitt
Pear Cider by Katy Perry
Ship Building by Tom Cruise
How to Move Things by Jim Carrey
Escape from Prison by Morgan Freeman
American Motors by Harrison Ford
Wild Animals by Will Ferrell
Who ate those tomatoes?
Tom ate those.
I'm happy being single but...
sometimes I'll be walking down the street and see a happy couple coming towards me, holding hands and wearing matching outfits. And I just can't help but think to myself, *Wouldn't it be nice to have someone to hate them with?*
-Tom Allen
Student 1: My name is Tom Archer because my ancestors were making bows and arrows.
Student 2: My name is Sam Baker because my forefathers were bakers.
Student 3: My name is John Dickinson, and I hate this game.
A Lithuanian couple in a hotel
A Lithuanian couple go to a hotel in USA. They spot a mouse in the room.
"A mouse! Dear, call the lobby, you know at least some English, right?!"
The man picks up the phone.
"Helou."
"Can I help you?"
"Yes, dū jū nau Tom and Džeri?"
"Yes sir, of course."
"So, Džeri iz hier."
I'm opening a Tom Petty themed Japanese Restaurant
It'll be called, Udon, know how it feels
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When I first came to the US. I stayed at a hotel with a rodent problem. I tried to call front desk but I didn't know how to say mouse in English.
Hello sir how can I help you?
Do you know Tom and j**...?
Yes sir.
j**... is here.
