Tom Jokes
153 tom jokes and hilarious tom puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about tom that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Tom Short Jokes
Short tom jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The tom humour may include short john jokes also.
- I met Tom Hanks once. He was so rude I asked for his autograph and all he wrote was thanks.
- What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom. A pick pocket snatches watches.
- Woman calls 911 about a peeping tom in her yard 911: "How do you know he's a peeping tom?"
Woman: "When I asked him what he was doing out there, he said 'I was trying to get a pikachu'". - So Katie Holmes is divorcing Tom Cruise...
Apparently she found out that he'd been in A Few Good Men. - When it comes to trick plays, you have to hand it to Tom Brady... Literally. He can't catch.
- Magician: I can make anything disappear! Tom: (holding up a cup) Really? Make my tea disappear.
Magician: (waves hand) Done!
om: (looks in cup) It didn't work. - A guy goes to the doctor. A guy goes to the doctor.
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual." - Tom Hanks is the rudest celebrity I have ever met I asked for an autograph and all he wrote was Thanks.
- I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley Thanks to months of therapy, I'm finally battling my Damons.
- I ground up my ctrl key and gift wrapped it. The card reads: This is ground ctrl.
TO: Major Tom
(Merry Christmas David Bowie!)
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Tom One Liners
Which tom one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with tom? I can suggest the ones about charlie and mick.
- "I have a split personality." ...said Tom, being frank.
- What is Tom Hanks' wireless password? 1forrest1
- I saw Tom Hanks today so I asked him for his autograph. He just wrote Thanks.
- A peeping tom fell out if a tree, where did he end up? In the ICU
- What's brass and sounds like Tom Jones? Trombones.
- I stole a tom cruise movie from the store the other day... It was Risky Business.
- What did Tom hanks do in the woods? He took a forrest dump.
- Don't worry about straying from your diet today. It's Tom Brady's cheat day, too.
- What did Tom Brady say when he lost the Superbowl? Man, that Ertz...
- What do you call a communist dog? Karl Barx
Shout-out to "Matt & Tom" for that 😊 - "The lobotomy was a success!" Tom said absentmindedly.
- Did you hear that Tom Brady is running for president? His platform is lowering inflation.
- Tom Brady is 5 times better than nickelback He's a quarterback
- "I'm into homosexual necrophilia." ...Tom said, in dead earnest.
- Tom Hanks is so nice… …every time he signs an autograph he writes T.HANKS
Tom Cruise Jokes
Here is a list of funny tom cruise jokes and even better tom cruise puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I know joking about Tom Cruise's height is low-hanging fruit... but that's all he can reach.
- Tom Cruise walks into a gay bar... The barman says, "Why the long farce?"
- I told my barber I wanted my hair cut like Tom Cruise So he sat me down on a couple of phone books.
- I went into the barbers today and asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise.... He lifted me up and sat me on a cushion...
- People think Tom Cruise is short for a man It's actually short for "Thomas Cruise"
- Movies you wish Tom Cruise would star in: Remission Impossible
- How many Scientologists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change the light bulb, one to tell Tom Cruise that it cost $40,000.
- What did Tom Cruise say when he went to the art museum? Show me the Monet!
- I was going to make a Tom Cruise themed restaurant but decided against it. It would be risky business
- Cruise Control? Is that when you tell Tom what to do?
Tom Brady Jokes
Here is a list of funny tom brady jokes and even better tom brady puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Donald Trump says that he plans to reduce inflation. Shortly after, Tom Brady announced his intent to vote for Trump.
- What's the difference between Darth Vader and Tom Brady? Darth Vader probably gets high fived
- Tom Brady just announced that he was retiring from football for good. That's a relief because if he was retiring for evil, then evil would probably win.
- Congratulations to Tom Brady, the first player to be undefeated over 5+ Super Bowls. He's won all 5/7.
- Tom Brady has 6 rings... ... and now he can destroy half the NFL with one snap
- Why is Tom Brady against raising the federal minimum wage? He doesn't want things to get too inflated.
- What does Tom Brady have to do if Giselle gets angry? Quarterback
- Report: Tom Brady to retire. Fans hoping for one more season reportedly deflated by the news.
- Tom Brady walks into a bar to watch the Super Bowl.
- What do Tom Brady and Rhonda Rousey have in common? Both struggle to last longer than a minute with a Brazilian woman.
Tom Jones Jokes
Here is a list of funny tom jones jokes and even better tom jones puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- "Doctor! Doctor! I can't stop singing Delilah!" "It sounds like you have Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual..." - Doctor: I am afraid you are suffering from Tom Jones syndrome. Patient: Is it common?
Doctor: It's not unusual. - My wife finds it strange that my toddler is a huge Tom Jones fan "Well, it's not unusual" i told her
- Doctor, I can't stop singing The Green Green Grass of Home. He says That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. Is it common? I asked. " It's not unusual", he replied.
- My Doctor just diagnosed me with Tom Jones Syndrome... "Is it common?" I said.
"Well..." He replied
"It's not unusual" - I have a disorder where I see Tom Jones lyrics wherever I go But it's not unusual
- I have been diagnosed with Tom Jones Syndrome It's not unusual.
- Doctor, I think I have Tom Jones disease Dr: it's not unusual...
- I was diagnosed with Tom Jones Syndrome yesterday. I asked the doctor if it was a rare condition.
"It's not unusual". - How rare was the disease that killed Tom Jones' wife? It's not unusual
Peeping Tom Jokes
Here is a list of funny peeping tom jokes and even better peeping tom puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How do you make your wife scream after s**...? Wipe your d**... on the curtain.
- My grandfather was a peeping tom. He used to drill holes in the floor and spy on the people in the flat below. He died recently, but I like thinking about him up there somewhere, looking down on us.
- What do you call a Spanish peeping tom? Señor Boobies.
- What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? One snatches watches...
- Peeping Tom decided to spend more time at home . . . He was trying to maintain a proper lurk/wife balance.
- What do you call a peeping Tom cat? A Purrr-vert.
- I finally got the confidence to be a peeping tom For the longest time, I was just beating around the bush
- A woman called me a bit of a looker Well, "peeping Tom" was the phrase she actually used.
- What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom? A pickpocket snatches watches, while a Peeping Tom watches snatches
- What do you call an Eskimo who's a peeping tom? Itookalook
Cheerful Fun Tom Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy
What funny jokes about tom you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean mike jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make tom pranks.
Tom was not home at his usual hour and his wife was fuming.
Finally around 3am she heard a noise at the front door and, as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.
Do you realise what time it is?!? she stammered.
He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house.
Immediately her attitude changed, and running down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked What did you buy for the house, dear?"
Tom answered A round of drinks!"
Tom went to the Police Station
Tom went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
You'll get your chance in court. said the Desk Sergeant.
No, no no! said Tom. I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!
A guy says, ...
A guy says, "Help me, doctor, I can't stop singing What's new p**...?"
The doctor says, "Oh no, you may have Tom Jones disease."
Guy says, "I've never heard of that. Is it rare?"
The doctor says, "It's not unusual."
A man goes to his doctor
"Doc, you gotta help me. I can't stop singing What's New p**...."
"Oh, that sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome," said the doctor.
"Tom Jones Syndrome? Is that rare?"
"It's not unusual."
Tom Hanks, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey all decide to make a movie
Tom hanks says "I'll produce it"
Leonardo DiCaprio says "I'll direct it"
Matthew McConaughey says "I'll write I'll write I'll write"
Tom Jones Syndrome
A woman goes to a doctor's office to get results back from a test she took a few weeks ago. The doctor sits her down and tells her "You have TJS, Tom Jones Syndrome." The woman, scared, asks "Is it rare?" and the doctor replies "It's not unusual"
Tom had been a compulsive worrier for years...
...until he found a way to overcome this problem.
His friends noticed the dramatic change.
"You don't seem to be worried about anything anymore."
"I hired a professional worrier for $1000.00 a week, Tom replied.
'I haven't had a single problem since."
"A thousand a week," said Doug. "You can't afford that, how are you going to pay him?"
"Tom replied, "That's his problem."
One day, a teacher said "Whoever can answer my next question can get dismissed now".
Tom threw his bag outside the window.
The teacher asked angrily "Who threw the bag?"
Tom answered "It's me! "
Tom got dismissed early.
A man goes to the doctor ...
... and says "Doctor, I'm having a really strange problem. I can't get the song *What's New, p**...* out of my head.
Doctor says, "Well, it sounds like you may have Tom Jones' Disease."
The man opens his eyes wide. "I never heard of that before," he said. "Is it rare?"
Doctor shakes his head. "It's not unusual."
Oldy repurposed
Trump was feeling the pressure of the office and stood before the protraits of our greatest leaders.
Looking at Washington, the Donald said:
"George, you were the first. Can you give me some advise?"
A ghostly voice replied
"Tell the truth"
Trump knew that wouldn't work, so next went to Jefferson.
" Tom, you wrote the constitution. Do you have any words for me?"
Another voice said "Be for the people"
As he had always placed himself before everyone, Trump moved on.
He stood before Lincoln and asked " Abe, you are one of the greatest. Can you advise me?"
A new voice drifted by saying
"Go to the Theater"
Tom was stopped by the cops while walking home at 2am the other night.
The cop asked where him where he was going at that time of night. Tom replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" Tom replied, "That would be my wife."
Be careful what you wish for
One for cake day:
Tom finds an old, tarnished lamp. He gets excited, and polishes it vigorously.
A genie appears and say "Congratulations, you get three wishes! What is your first wish?"
Tom says, "I want to be Rich!".
The genie says, "No problem, done. What is your next wish, Rich?"
Poor Ajmal.
After playtime, Ms Wilson asks some of her kindergarten kids what they did during playtime.
"What did you do at playtime Tom?"
"I played in the sandpit" said Tom.
"Very good, if you can spell sand, I'll give you a cookie!"
Tom spelled sand and was given a cookie by Ms Wilson.
"What did you do at playtime Sally?"
"I played in the sandpit with Tom" said Sally.
"That's nice, if you can spell pit, I'll give you a cookie!"
Sally spelled pit and was given a cookie by Ms Wilson.
"What did you do at playtime Ajmal?"
"I tried to play in the sandpit, but Sally and Tom threw rocks at me!" said Ajmal.
"That sounds like blatant racial discrimination, If you can spell blatant racial discrimination I'll give you a cookie!".
Words that start with "S" s**....
Girl: Tom, I've come to realize something about the letter s.
Boy: Tell me.
Girl: Words that start with s s**....
Boy: What do you mean?
Girl: Well, snakes s**.... So does a sting, and so does getting stabbed.
Boy: Well, Sally, if thats the case I'd like to have you over tonight for dinner.
A guy goes to see his doctor...
He says to his doctor:
>Man: "Doctor, I can't get that song "She's a Lady" out of my head... I keep singing it over and over, but it just won't go away...."
>Doctor: "Hmmm.... sounds like a case of Tom Jones Syndrome."
>Man: "Oh no.... Is it serious?"
>Doctor: "Well, it's not unusual."
"Tom Jones Syndrome"
A man is in the waiting room at his Doctor's office and finally, the Doc arrives.
"Hello Jim what seems to be the problem today?"
Jim replies "Doc, you've gotta help me. I can't stop singing 'She's a Lady' by Tom Jones!"
The Doc says "oh yes, that is 'Tom Jones Syndrome'"
"Is it common?" Jim asks
"Well it's not unusual"
First post.
Steven Spielberg is casting for his upcoming blockbuster on the history of classical music.
He asks his stars who they want to play. Brad Pitt says, "I want to be Mozart. His pastiche of influences from several European countries has always fascinated me." Tom Cruise chimes in with, "I'd like to be Beethoven. I love the way he handled the transition from Classicism to Romanticism." Arnold Schwarzenegger says, "I'll be Bach."
I heard my ex girlfriend needs a new kidney
I'm not worried, her body hasn't rejected an o**... in 25 years.
-Tom Cotter
" doctor I can't stop singing What's New p**...."
" I think you might have Tom Jones syndrome."
" is it rare?" " it's not unusual."
Black eye
Tom: "Hey buddy, howya do...whoa! who gave you that black eye?
Sam: "My wife"
Tom: "I thought she was out of town for the weekend."
Sam: "So did I."
Sweet Young Boy
One day, a boy named Tom got on a very crowded bus.
Sitting opposite him was a fat lady who said, "If you were a polite young man, you'd let someone sit down."
"If you were a polite lady," Tom replied, "you'd let FOUR people sit down!"
Tom Hiddleston and Taylor Swift's relationship is over after just three months because he wanted it to be more public...
I guess she wanted it to be more Loki.
Tom Jones' Disease
A Man goes to the Doctor and lays out his problems. He says whenever he sees a cat he yells "What's New, p**...?"
If he sees a woman while on the street, he exclaims "She's A Lady!" which is really driving his wife crazy.
And speaking of his wife he keeps calling her Delilah, when her name is Susan!
The doctor says "Considering your symptoms, it sounds like you have Tom Jones' Disease"
"Tom Jones' Disease? I've never heard of that! Is it rare?"
"It's not unusual"
Why does Tom Holland never drive?
Because Andrew and Tobey are more experienced parallel Parkers
I heard Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan are working on a new film made specifically for the blind.
It's called "You've Got Braille"
Dyslexic man walks into a bra
Whole joke in title! New era of convenience! In mother Russia, joke laughs at you!
***Bonus***, since you came in here anyway:
Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
A 90 year old man goes to the doctor.
Full disclosure, I got this joke from Tom Jones on Marc Maron's w**... podcast today. Tom's 80, mentally spry like he's 30, and he swears like a sailor.
----
90 year old man goes to the doctor.
Says Doctor, it used to be that I'd get these erections so hard that I couldn't even bend them with two hands! 16, 17, 18 years old, all through my twenties... 30, I could bend a little bit, 40s a little bit more. 50s and 60s I'm getting it to about a 90 degree angle, and now I'm 90 I can bend it in half!
I'm getting stronger, right?"
Tom and Larry go to the movies
Tom and Larry go see a movie that features a horse race. Tom turns to Larry and says, "I'll bet you $20 that the white horse wins." Larry responds, "No way. I'll take that bet any day." Unfortunately for Larry, the white horse won. After the movie, Tom says, "you don't have to pay me. I'd already seen this movie, and now I feel bad about making the bet." Larry, looking very confused, replies, "well, so had I, but I didn't think he could do it again."
A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vets
He says: I've come to talk wi' thee about me cat.
The vet replies: is it a tom?
The Yorkshireman says: no, I've brought him here wi' me.
Baseball
A man, Tom was with his friend, Larry, Larry was about to die. "Let me know if there's baseball in heaven". said Tom. The next day as Tom was sleeping he woke up to Larry's voice.
"Tom, I have good news and bad news." "What's the good news"?
asked Tom. "There is baseball in heaven". explained Larry. "What's the bad news"? asked Tom "You're pitching Tuesday". said Larry
A joke from work
Four famous actors get together and decide to dress up as famous artists for Halloween.
Leonardo DiCaprio says he'll go as Da Vinci since they have the same first name.
Tom Cruise says he'll go as Van Gogh so they have two painters.
Bill Murray says he'll go as Beethoven since he likes his music.
Arnold Schwarzenegger just looks at them and says "I'll be Bach."
As I was leaving work for the day, my boss tried to get me to stay back and finish a report. I told him it sounded like a job for Tom.
Tom Orrow.
A man goes to the doctor...
... and he says, "Doc, I'm not sure what's wrong with me. I can't stop shaking my hips and singing Tom Jones songs."
To which the doctor replies, "Clearly sir, you have Tom Jones' Disease."
The man asks, "Is this common?"
The doctor answers, "It's not unusual."
A man goes to the doctor's office...
He tells the doctor "It's the strangest thing. Every time I see a cat, I can't help singing "What's new p**..., woah-oh-oh".
The doctor says "I've heard of this before! It's called 'Tom Jones Syndrome'"
"Tom Jones Syndrome?" The man asks. "Is it common?"
"It's not unusual"
Why Tom Hiddleston wasn't in age of ultron.
Maybe Tom Hiddleston wasn't in age of ultron cause he's trying to stay low key.
Teacher: children, what's your biggest fear?
Tom (5): snakes!
Emily (6): lions!
Stanley (5): the unbelievable senselessness of life, and that we will all die a terrible death in our nightmares!
Lilly (6): Stanley!
Today's Top Joke
Tom was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Larry who was dying. Tom asked, "If there is baseball in heaven will you come back and tell me?" Larry nodded yes just as he passed away. That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Larry's voice in a dream, "Tom..." "Larry! What is it?!" asked Tom. "I have good news and bad news from heaven." "What's the good news?" "There is baseball in heaven after all, but the bad news is you're pitching on Tuesday."
What's Tom Brady's favorite s**... activity?
Deflatio
Why didn't Tom Hiddleston want a big birthday party?
He wanted to keep it Loki
Tom was grounded by his parents
They said he had no potential
Tom, the serial f**..., was going to retire
But he decided to stick it out for another year.
Tom Cruise is filming a new romantic-action movie in support of body positivity. Both him and the lead actress gained 300lbs for the role.
The movie is called: m**... Impossible.
A guy goes to see his doctor...
He says, "Doctor, I can't stop singing the Green Green Grass of Home."
The Doctor says, "Hmmm, it sounds to me like a case of Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Tom Jones Syndrome, is that common?"
"It's not unusual."
Yesterday I found myself next to a Hollywood celebrity at a grocery store. Both of us were staring at the cream cheese section.
I was …..watching Philadelphia with Tom Hanks.
A guy goes to the doctor
He says, You got to help me, Doc! I have the song, What's New,p**... stuck in my head. It just keeps going around and around. It's driving me CRAZY!
Doctor replies, Hmmm, that sound like Tom Jones Syndrome.
Tom Jones Syndrome? Is that serious??
Well, it's not unusual.
I dropped my toothpaste!
...Tom exclaimed, crestfallen.
If Major Tom flies really high up, what would you call someone very deep beneath the ground?
Miner Tom
"Doc, you gotta help me. I can't stop singing 'What's New p**...'."
"Ah. That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
Tom and his buddy got drunk
Tom took it too far and puked on his shirt.
"Oh no! My wife will kill me she hates when i drink"
"Dont worry. Take this 20$ bill and tell her someone else puked on you and gave you the money for the cleaning."
So it was done.
Tom went home and his wife starts nagging and screaming to poor Tom.
"No honey someone puked on me and gave me 20 bucks for the cleaning. See?"
"And what is the second bill for?"
"Oh someone crapped in my pants too."
Steven Spielberg's Next Movie
Steven Spielberg decides that he wants to make a movie about famous composers. He puts out a casting call.
Tom Hulce walks in first and says, "I played Mozart in Amadeus, and would love to play him again."
Next, Gary Oldman calls. "I was Beethoven in Immortal Beloved, so I already have experience playing the part."
Arnold Schwarzenegger meets with him, and states, "I'll be Bach."