Tom Cruise Jokes
81 tom cruise jokes and hilarious tom cruise puns to laugh out loud. Read celebrity jokes about tom cruise that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Tom Cruise Short Jokes
Short tom cruise jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The tom cruise humour may include short john travolta jokes also.
- So Katie Holmes is divorcing Tom Cruise...
Apparently she found out that he'd been in A Few Good Men. - I know joking about Tom Cruise's height is low-hanging fruit... but that's all he can reach.
- I told my barber I wanted my hair cut like Tom Cruise So he sat me down on a couple of phone books.
- I went into the barbers today and asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise.... He lifted me up and sat me on a cushion...
- How many Scientologists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change the light bulb, one to tell Tom Cruise that it cost $40,000.
- I was going to make a Tom Cruise themed restaurant but decided against it. It would be risky business
- Tom Cruise is making a movie about distilling moonshine during prohibition It's called Whisky Business
- Tom Clancy and Tom Cruise got in a fight. One of then put up a novel fight and the other came up short.
- what's the most impressive thing about tom cruise performing his own stunts? he does it in heels
- Went to the barbers today, I asked him to cut my hair like Tom Cruise. So he gave me a cushion to sit on !!
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Tom Cruise One Liners
Which tom cruise one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with tom cruise? I can suggest the ones about cruise and tom hanks.
- I stole a Tom Cruise movie from the store the other day... It was Risky Business.
- Tom Cruise walks into a gay bar... The barman says, "Why the long farce?"
- People think Tom Cruise is short for a man It's actually short for "Thomas Cruise"
- Movies you wish Tom Cruise would star in: Remission Impossible
- What did Tom Cruise say when he went to the art museum? Show me the Monet!
- Cruise Control? Is that when you tell Tom what to do?
- If Tom Cruise owned a liquor distillery, what would he call it? Whiskey Business
- I'm going to the new Tom Cruise movie at midnight. Seeing it on the Edge of Tomorrow.
- What do you call a robot that looks like Tom Cruise? An Automatom
- They should roast Tom Cruise sometime... Call it the Cruise-ifixion
- What do you call Tom Cruise's decoy pasta dish? Mission impasta bowl
- Of course Tom Cruise will complete his mission. With Xenu, all things are possible.
- Who does Tom Cruise send out to buy blue and green clothes? A Cyan-tologist
- Tom Cruise is cancer He was born July 3.
- Why doesn't Tom Cruise eat bananas? He can't find the zipper
Tom Cruise Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about tom cruise you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean mel gibson jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make tom cruise pranks.
Q: What's the difference between Tom Cruise and a tuxedo?
A: One comes out of the closet on special occasions and the other is a tuxedo.
Q: What's the difference between Tom Cruise and a tuxedo?
A: One comes out of the closet on special occasions and the other is a tuxedo.
Chuck Norris was supposed to play the lead role in Mission: Impossible.
He was replaced by Tom Cruise because the tittle wouldn't make any sense.
A paralegal, an associate, and a partner of a prestigious law firm are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you one."
"Me first!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with Tom Cruise."
p**...! She's gone.
"Me next!" says the associate. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other."
p**...! He's gone.
"You're next," the Genie says to the partner.
The partner says: "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Why does Tom Cruise have a good dressing sense?
He is spending so much time in the closet
If Tom Cruise had an intervention to an addiction...
They should call it "Cruise Control."
Little Timmy walks up to his dad and asks,
"Dad, whats the difference between Theory and Reality?", The father replies "Well, go ask your mom if she would screw tom cruise for a million dollars". Timmy runs off, finds mother and gets the answer and comes back. "Yup she would". The Father sighs and says "Alright, go ask your older sister if she would bang Justin Beiber for a million dollars". Timmy runs off, finds his sister and gets the answer and returns "Yup she would"
The father sighs and looks at little timmy. "Well, in theory we are millionaires but in reality we live with a bunch of w**..."
Potential
Youngest son asks his father: "Daddy what is the difference between "potential" and "reality"?
Dad: I will show you, Dad turned to his wife and ask her: "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 Million Dollars?
Wife answers: "Yes of Course! I would never waste such an opportunity to be a millionaire"
Then Dad asked his daughter if she would sleep with Will Smith for 2 million dollars?
Daughter: "Wow! Yes Yes! I will, that's my fantasy"
So Dad turned to his elder son and asks him: Son, will you sleep with Denzel Washington for 1 Million dollars?
Elder Son replied: " Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 Million dollars, I would never hesitate!"
So the Father turns to his younger son and said: " You see son, "POTENTIALLY" we are sitting on 4 Million dollars,
But in "REALITY" we are living with two prostitutes and a gay guy!
Steven Spielberg is casting for his upcoming blockbuster on the history of classical music.
He asks his stars who they want to play. Brad Pitt says, "I want to be Mozart. His pastiche of influences from several European countries has always fascinated me." Tom Cruise chimes in with, "I'd like to be Beethoven. I love the way he handled the transition from Classicism to Romanticism." Arnold Schwarzenegger says, "I'll be Bach."
What do you get when you mix a monkey and a midget?
Tom Cruise
- Daddy, what is the difference between potential and reality?
One day during the family lunch the youngest son Paul asks his father:
- Daddy, what is the difference between potential and reality?
Daddy turns to his wife and gives her a question:
- Would you sleep with George Clooney for 1 million $?
- Certainly, I would never waste such opportunity, - tells the wife
Daddy turns to his teenage daughter:
- Maria, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million $?
- Surely! He is my fantasy, his posters are all over the walls of my room.
Daddy turns to his eldest son Raul and asks:
- Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million $!
Eldest son thinks a little and replies:
- Why not? Imagine what I could do with that money. So yes, I would sleep.
Then daddy turns back to his youngest son Paul and explains him:
- You see, Paul, potentially we are sitting with multi millionaires but in reality we are sitting with two prostitutes and one gay…
What does Amtrak have in common with Tom Cruise?
They both like to go off the rails
Tom Cruise was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10.
Still awaiting his response...
I really want to see that movie about Tom Cruise
But I don't think it's ever gonna come out
Why was Tom Cruise hired by Volkswagen?
Emission Impossible
What type of missiles were used in the Movie Top Gun?
"Tom" Cruise Missiles.
What do you get when you cross Tom Cruise with nails?
A cruiseifixion.
Tom Cruise starts a cooking show...
"Whisky Business."
Like a whisk.. not whisky.. you know like, the metal cooking utensil? This is funny...Right?
Right?
Why does Tom Cruise like Scientology?
It's given him a great cult following
Why did Katie Holmes divorce Tom Cruise?
She heard he was in a few good men.
Tom Cruise's nickname in between the sheets
Cruise missile.
Tom Cruise was carrying amphetamine when he was mugged.
When the ambulance arrived the paramedic examined Tom Cruise and determined he was winded by a swift knee to the solar plexus.
The police officer wrote in his file: "The victim, Tom Cruise, got kneed for speed."
What is Tom's favorite kind of joyride?
A cruise
Tom cruise is underrated.
Why?
Because the mission was impossible and he pulled it off....like 3 times
A movie star, a fanatic, and a millionaire walk into a bar...
The bartender yells: oh my god, it's Tom Cruise!
The Church of Scientology does many mission trips.
I mean heck, Tom Cruise has been on 5 missions already!
Younger son: Dad, whats the difference between 'hypothetically' & 'reality'?
Son: Dad,whats the difference between 'hypothetically' & 'reality'?
Dad turns to wife: Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million?
Wife: Of course! I would never waste such an opportunity.
Then Dad asks daughter: Would you sleep Tom Cruise for 1 Million?
Daughter: Yes he's my fantasy.
Dad asks elder son: Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million?
Son: Why not? Imagine what I could do with that money!
Father turns to his younger son: You see son, 'hypothetically' we're sitting with 3 millionares, but in 'reality', we are living with 2 prostitutes & 1 gay!
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tom Cruise, and Bruce Willis said they wanted to star in a movie about classical musicians.
Bruce Willis said I'll play Mozart!
Tom Cruise said I'll play Beethoven!
Arnold said I'll be Bach
So Tom Cruise, Benedict Cumberbatch, and Bill Murray walk into a bar...
Y'all heard about Tom Cruise's dog?
It's getting it's own action movie.
It's called Mission Impawsible.
Diffrence between potential and reality
An 8 years old son asks his dad:
"Whats
the difference between 'Potential ' and 'reality?'
Dad turns to wife: "Would you sleep with
Barack Obama for $1 million?"
Wife: "Of course, I will never waste that opportunity."
Dad turns to daughter: "Would you sleep with Brat Pitt for $1 million?"
Daughter: Yes! He is my fantasy.
Dad turns to elder son: "Would u sleep with Tom Cruise for
$l million?"
Eldest son: "Why not? Imagine what I would do with that money."
Dad then turns to his youngest son: "You see son, 'Potentially ' we are living with 3 millionaires BUT in 'reality ' we are living with two prostitutes and one Gay
Tom Cruise is determined.
Utterly determined to convince us that he is 6'5 and perpetually 30.
Tom Cruise might play Green Lantern.
He'll probably insist on actually flying through space.
Tom cruise is going to star in a romantic movie about trying to stay a**... long enough to get his wife pregnant.
It's called 'emission impossible'
What did the doctor say to Tom Cruise when he found out Tom had cancer?
Remission Impossible
A joke from work
Four famous actors get together and decide to dress up as famous artists for Halloween.
Leonardo DiCaprio says he'll go as Da Vinci since they have the same first name.
Tom Cruise says he'll go as Van Gogh so they have two painters.
Bill Murray says he'll go as Beethoven since he likes his music.
Arnold Schwarzenegger just looks at them and says "I'll be Bach."
What was Tom Cruises first marriage called?
The Manchild vs. Kidman
——
Please go easy, I know it's not a very current topic but I just came up with the pun on this wonderful actresses name.
It's nice to see that celebrities have taken up book writing during the pandemic
One Direction by Kanye West
Guitars by Mel Gibson
Mining by Brad Pitt
Pear Cider by Katy Perry
Ship Building by Tom Cruise
How to Move Things by Jim Carrey
Escape from Prison by Morgan Freeman
American Motors by Harrison Ford
Wild Animals by Will Ferrell
A movie studio is casting roles for a documentary about classical musicians.
Tom Cruise says I'll play the part of Mozart
Liam Neeson says I'll make a great Beethoven
Arnold Schwarzenegger says I'll be Bach
Dave knows everyone joke
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”
“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
“Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”
Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
“No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.
“President Obama,” his boss quickly retorts.
“Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington,” and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a beer first and catch up.”
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
“Pope Francis,” his boss replies.
“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”
His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, ‘Who the f**... is that on the balcony with Dave?’
Tom Cruise is filming a new romantic-action movie in support of body positivity. Both him and the lead actress gained 300lbs for the role.
The movie is called: m**... Impossible.
