Told Jokes
134 told jokes and hilarious told puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about told that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Told Short Jokes
Short told jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The told humour may include short taught jokes also.
- My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
- When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.
- My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary...
Well the jokes on them – they're imaginary too... - My friend just told me, 'I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water'. I know he means well.
- My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
- I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book... She laughed at me, and said
"Oh uncle J you're so old. Just use my phone."
So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider. - My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends... So I told her she was the only one I had been with!
The others were all eights and nines. - My wife said she wanted just one child of each gender I told her "how about just one boy and one girl? I don't want to contribute to overpopulation."
- My wife told me, If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new. Apparently, anything doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.
- Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!' and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?
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Told One Liners
Which told one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with told? I can suggest the ones about teller and tells story.
- What I if told you You read the title wrong
- My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice Must be why I'm an only child
- I told this girl, "you're very average." She said, "that's mean."
- My doctor told me that I had a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
- My parents told me ANYONE could become president. I didn't know it was a warning.
- Remember that joke I told you about the chiropractor? It was about a weak back.
- Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?" Mom: "I told you not to call me mom in public."
- My girlfriend accused me of cheating I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
- Jesus' life told by the bible 1. baby
2. ???
3. prophet - My deaf girlfriend just told me, We need to talk. That is not a good sign.
- Someone told me I'm condescending That means I talk down to people.
- My girlfriend told me she will leave me if I don't support Trump... I said ok.. Biden
- My girlfriend told me to stop impersonating a flamingo... I had to put my foot down
- How do you keep an idiot in suspense? Not sure, the guy never told me!
- A man tried to sell me a coffin today... I told him, that's the last thing I need.
Told Interviewer Jokes
Here is a list of funny told interviewer jokes and even better told interviewer puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- In an interview the boss asked me Do you have any experience? . I told him yes, this is my 20th interview .
- During an interview, the interviewer told me to describe myself using 3 adjectives. My response was... "Lazy."
- I went for my interview to be a bus driver I told them 'Sorry I'm late'
They said 'you're hired' - At a job interview I was asked if I can perform under pressure... I told them no, but I'm really good at Bohemian Rhapsody.
- At a job interview, they asked me how well I could perform under pressure. I told them I could hum a few bars, but I was more of a fan of Bohemian Rhapsody.
- So I got a new job, and at the interview they told me I would be making millions... I'll be working at the U.S. Mint.
- Just left an interview and they told me there'd be a drug test. I'm not worried, though. I know a lot about drugs, so it should be a pretty easy test.
- I had a job interview today. They asked how well I performed under pressure.
"Not bad", I told them, "but I'm much better at 'We Will Rock You'!" - I applied for a job as a Photographer Despite a negative interview, the boss told me that he can develop my talent in the dark room.
- I got asked during a job interview if I was responsible. I yes.
When asked to provide examples, I said anytime something broke, or a shipment went out late, I told them I was responsible.
Dispatcher Told Jokes
Here is a list of funny dispatcher told jokes and even better dispatcher told puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A guy calls 911 and says someone dropped a box on his head Dispatcher: "Is it empty?"
Guy: "Yes it is"
Dispatcher: "How about the box?"
(my dad told me this yesterday)
Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Told Jokes and Friends
What funny jokes about told you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean instructed jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make told pranks.
If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation s**......
Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.
I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for s**..., my wife screamed at me. I'm really disappointed.
You can hardly blame me, I answered. It's not like I was getting any from you.
Well, that's your own fault, she replied. You never told me you were willing to pay for it.
My wife is turning 32 soon...
I've told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. After all, I said, The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.
What are you talking about? she asked.
I said, It's your thirty-second birthday.
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them...
I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...do I keep the letters?
I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for s**..., my wife screamed at me.
I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for s**..., my wife screamed at me. I'm really disappointed. You can hardly blame me, I answered. It's not like I was getting any from you. Well, that's your own fault, she replied. You never told me you were willing to pay for it.
I was having s**... with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me...
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
I told my son, You will marry the girl I choose.
He said, NO!
I told him, She is Bill Gates' daughter.
He said, OK.
I called Bill Gates and said, I want your daughter to marry my son.
Bill Gates said, NO.
I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.
Bill Gates said, OK.
I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said, NO.
I told him, My son is Bill Gates' son-in-law.
He said, OK.
This is how politics works.
Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
I told my girlfriend we can either have s**..., or go see Star Wars.
She said "I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out," but she pulled some strings and got me in.
If you want to read the Gospel according to Shrek, open your Bible to Psalm–
–BODY ONCE TOLD ME…
I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise....
My boss asked what companies?
Gas, water and electricity.
My wife told me: "s**... is better on vacation."
That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive
One day after s**..., my girl told me she used to be a Christian.
Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe."
Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."
When I was younger, the local priest told me that I was the prettiest boy he'd ever seen.
I was touched.
What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened?
"...and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!"
My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an e**......
You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills.
A woman visits her husband in prison
Before leaving, she tells a correction officer:
"You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"
The officer laughs, saying:
"Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his own cell!"
"b**...! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"
My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...
She couldn't do either!
I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.
I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for my ex
Now she'll know what rejection feels like
My teenage daughter came home in a rage.
"I've just had s**... education in school today, Dad!
You lied to me!
You told me if I have s**... before my sixteenth birthday my boyfriend will die!"
I put down my paper: "Oh, he will sweetheart, he will.
A flight attendant sees a suspicious couple on board...
She decides to report it to the pilot immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! The female passenger looks pretty frightened and the man she is with looks dangerous!"
The pilot responds, "Patricia, I've told you before. This is Air Force One..."
My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house...
I told her, "Fear of the CIA".
She laughed, I laughed, the Amazon Echo laughed. I shot the Amazon Echo
I took an epileptic girl to a rave
I jokingly told her, "I hear this place has rave reviews", but she just rolled her eyes at me.
So I told my wife she'd look sexier with her hair back
Apparently that's not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.
My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate."
I told her, "Oh yea... Just you wait."
I was on a blind date with this girl...
And I told her, being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed. She asked "what's the best way?"
I said "a big knife."
She laughed and said "you're funny."
I said "wise choice."
My mom just told me this one
Mom: did you hear about the actress that stabbed her husband?!?
Me: really? Who?
Mom: I can't remember her name, it was Reese something...
Me: Witherspoon?
Mom: no, with her knife
One of my friends told me that ever since they changed genders, their kids won't even look at them anymore..
It's almost as if they have become trans-parent.
I told a girl, "you look great without glasses"
She said, "but I don't wear glasses."
I replied, while polishing my lenses, "yeah, but I do."
My wife came home yesterday...
and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."
I asked her what it was and she told me it had water in the carburettor. I though for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you're not mechanically inclined. You don't know the carburettor from the radiator."
"No, there's definitely water in the carburettor," she insisted.
"Ok, honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"
"In the lake."
A girl once told me, If you lost about 50 pounds you'd be cute
I told her, if I lost 50 pounds I'd be talking to your friends!
My wife told me that "s**... is better on holiday".
Not the best postcard I've ever received.
Told a girl she looks better without her glasses on.
She said I also look better without her glasses on.
My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.
She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said
"It didn't work out."
She told me to be more specific so I said
"I just told you, she didn't exercise."
Told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids...
In one ear, out the other.
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".
I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.
I told my wife, "I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn't feel as good anymore"
She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"
A fortune teller told me I'd suffer awful heart break in 12 years.
To cheer myself up I bought a puppy.
Last night my girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed…
2 minutes later she told me all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
My grandad asked me how to print on his computer...
I told him it's Ctrl-P. He says he hasn't been able to do that for ages.
I was talking to a feminist today when she told me about the Dwayne Johnson Rule.
I'd never heard of it before but apparently in order to determine if a particular comment is appropriate to say to a woman, you should first ask yourself, Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson? If not, don't say it.
I thought this sounded like a great rule, so I told her, Your chest is epic.
A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."
A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."
Suddenly, a pen came flying across to room, practically hitting the teacher in the face.
"Who threw that?!" the teacher shouted angrily.
"Me!" piped up a voice from the back of the classroom. "Can I leave now?"
I was in a long McDonald's drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.
Take the high road, I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.
The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.
When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.
Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over.
Don't honk your horn at old people.
I went to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me i lost 20% of my sight
Sigh...
I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures
A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.
A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he told his wife he had slept at his friend's house. Not believing him, the wife called 10 of his best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had spent the night there and the other 2 said he was still there.
Why are women so bad at parking cars?
Because for the last 200 years they've been told that three inches are actually six.
Did you know Vegetarian is a Native American word?
It means Lousy Hunter
I am Native American and this joke has been told to me a couple of times. Thought I'd share.
My hot flight attendant asked how I like my coffee
Trying to sound cool, I told her I like my coffee like I like my women. And that's when she told me "That's cute honey, but the coffee's free. You don't have to pay for it here!"
To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.
I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask....
How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?
What is something with 8 eyes, 8 legs, and 8 hands?
8 pirates
My little brother told me this joke and I am so proud of him.
A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.
There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, Do you have any last words?
The m**... said, Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.
So, I hadn't showered for a week by the day I killed my wife. I tied her up and told her that I'd cut her apart while she was still alive, and she told me, 'At least cut my nose off first.'
Everyone there burst out laughing. The hangman said, That joke was about something terrible! Why was it so funny?
Well, I believe you can make a joke about any topic funny, said the m**.... After all, good comedy is all about execution.
R.I.P. dad
My dad passed away yesterday (this is true). He was 87 and had a good innings. We've done the bulk of our grieving and all is good. My brother sent me this message this morning:
"I reckon dad has already told Eddie Van Halen to turn the volume down."
___________________
I told my gf that i had a crush on beyonce!
And she said to me "Whatever floats your boat"
And i said "No that's **Buoyancy**"
A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak.
So, to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy.
A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's private study
Maid: "I'd like a raise."
Mrs. Smith:"Why do you think you deserve a raise?
Maid:"Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you."
Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"
Maid:"Your husband. Second, I clean better than you."
Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"
Maid:"Your husband.Third, I'm better in bed than you are."
Mrs. Smith:"I suppose my husband said that too?"
Maid:"No, the gardener."
Mrs. Smith:"How much do you want?"
A lumberjack once told me he's cut down 27,572 trees.
How do ya know exactly how many? I inquired.
Easy. I keep a log.
My husband commented on the new store that is being built nearby: That's a nice looking Aldi!
I told him it just looks like Aldi others.
...
Sorry y'all. It's been such a bad day, and this little exchange my hubby and I had earlier had us both laughing probably more than we should have. Hope it makes one of you out there smile too.
Two Jews are arguing before the Rabbi
J1: "Black is a color!"
J2: "NO! it is not!"
J1: "It is a color!"
J2: "Rabbi, is black a color?"
Rabbi: "Well, sure..."
J1: "See, I told you. And so is white!"
J2: "White is not a color!"
J1: "Rabbi?"
Rabbi: "Well, yes, white is a color"
J1: "See, I told you Moishe, I sold you a *color* TV"
This pastor decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf.
He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.
He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.
An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"
Quarantine has turned us into dogs.
We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told "no" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.
My crush told me that I'm pretty.
Well, the whole sentence was "you're pretty annoying", but I focus only on the positive things.
I got arrested for illegally downloading the whole of Wikipedia
I told them I could explain everything.
I just f**... on my wallet
Now I have Gas Money!
*Told to me by my 9 year old daughter, who thought it's hilarious! (I agree lol)
I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
My wife complains about constantly being s**... harassed at work
I told her she can stop working from home and go back to the office if she doesn't like it
Two Jews, Moishe and Abram, are arguing.
Moishe: Black is a color
Abram: No it is not.
Moishe: I'm telling you, black is a color.
Abram: No, it's not.
They go to the rabbi.
Moishe: Rebbe, is black a color?
Rabbi: Yes, Moshe, black is indeed a color.
Moshe: See, Abram, I told you.
Abram: Okay, but white is not a color,
Moishe: Yes it is.
Abram: No, it is not.
Moishe: Rebbe, is white a color?
Rabbi: Yes, Moishe, white is indeed a color.
Moishe: See, I told you I sold you a color TV.
My dentist told me "This might hurt a little bit. Are you ready?"
I said "Yes, I'm ready."
He said "I'm sleeping with your wife."
I gave a homeless guy $5 today
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I told my girlfriend that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our building except one!!
I bet it's the snooty b**... at number twenty three, she replied.
