toilets Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious toilets puns

Golden toilets

A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. "Do you guys have golden toilets?" he asks.

"What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?"

"Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet."

Bartender says "OK, first, no we don't have golden toilets. Secondly, HEY MORTY, I FOUND THE GUY THAT PISSED IN YOUR TUBA!"

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I was in the public toilets today and as I sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi, how are you?".

Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine".
The voice said "So what are you up to?".
I said, "Just doing the same as you - sitting here!
He said "Can I come over?".
Annoyed, I say "I'm rather busy right now".
Then the voice said, "Listen, I'll have to call you back, there's an i.d.i.o.t in the cubicle next to me answering all my questions".

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"Ladies and Gents"

That concludes our tour of the toilets

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Several toilets were stolen last night.

Police say they have nothing to go on.

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A horse walks into a triangular bar of dimensions X,Y, and Z, where X and Z are perpendicular. He asks the barman where the toilets are.

"Y, the long face."

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An Engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there,
accidentally sends him to Hell.

It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied
with the level of comfort in Hell.

He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter,
Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to
say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are things in Hell?"

Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air
conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no telling
what this engineer is going to come up with next."

"What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer?

That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me."

"Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the
staff, and I'm keeping him!"

God insists: "Send him back or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?

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Imagine if they had toilets in elevators

I mean, that would be some next level shit.

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A man comes home to his wife...

... at 3AM completely drunk. His wife is not happy and demands an explanation.
Man: "I'm sorry but I was at the most amazing bar and I couldn't leave"
Wife: "What bar?"
Man: "It's called the Golden Saloon and everything there is made of pure gold! The doors are pure gold, the cups are pure gold, and even the toilets are pure gold!"

The wife doesn't believe that such a place exists so in the morning she looks up the bar and calls it and asks them:

Wife: "Are your doors really made of gold?"
Man: "Yes they are"
Wife: "Are your cups really made of gold?"
Man: "Yes they are"
Wife: "Well, are your toilets really made of gold?"

There is a pause for a second and the wife hears the man yell

"Hey Lou, I think I know who took a piss in your Saxophone!"

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Someone stole all the toilets from the local police station

Detectives have nothing to go on.

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Engineers and Lawyers

One day, an engineer died and went to heaven. But, St. Peter said "I can't let you in because your name is not on the list." So the engineer went down to Hell and was let in. Well, he stayed there for a couple of days and then decided that, it was too hot and everything was inaccessible. So he built flushing toilets, air conditioning, running water and a lot of other things. One day God calls down and says to Satan, "So Satan, how's it down there in hell?? " and Satan says: "Well, it's great, I've got an engineer down here and he has build air conditioning, running water, flushing toilets, and I don't know what else, he's gonna build next. Then God asks, "You've got an engineer down there?" "That's a big mistake, send him up here right now!" and Satan replies, "No way this is the best thing that's ever happened to hell." and God says, "send him up or I'll sue!!" and Satan says smirking, "Now just where are you gonna get a lawyer??"

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Why did the rooster cross the road?

To go to the toilets, where all the cocks hang out

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My local police precinct had the toilets stolen.....

Police say they have nothing to go on.

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Disabled toilets.

Ironically, the only toilet stalls big enough to run around in.

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The Magic Mirror

In this public toilet, there's this magic mirror. Whenever you say something untruthful you disappear.

A red head walks into the toilets and says "I think I have the best legs in the world" and puff...she's gone.

Next a brunette walks into the toilets and says "I think I have the most sexist eyes" and puff...she's gone

Finally a blonde walks into the toilets and says "I think..." and puff she's gone!

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A penguin goes into a pub...

At the bar the peanuts say:
"Nice tie Mr!"
In the toilets the condom machine says :
"You look stupid in that tie"
So he complains to the barman. The barman says :
"the peanuts are complimentary but the condom machine is out of order"

This was the best joke of my birthday cards this morning, so thither I would share.

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Engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and goes to hell. After a while, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in there and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, hell has air conditioning, flushing toilets, water fountains and escalators - making the engineer a pretty popular guy.

One day God phones Satan up and asks with a sneer: Hey buddy, how's it goin down there in hell?

Satan snickered back, Things are going great actually. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, escalators and the works. Hell (no pun intended), there's no telling what this engineer guy is gonna come up with next.

God replies, What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him back up.

To which Satan replied, No way dude. I like having an engineer on staff, I'm keepin him.

God retorted, Send him back up here or I'll sue.

Satan laughs loudly and answers, Yeah, right. And just where are you gonna find a lawyer?

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All the toilets have been stolen from Scotland Yard

The police have nothing to go on

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A truck driver was on his route

and needed to take a dump, he stopped at a bar, found there was a queue in front of toilets. He waited for few minutes, but it was getting difficult for him to hold on to. So he moved from there searching a for a place and went upstairs, found an empty room, there was this hole in middle of the room, took the biggest dump of his life, and came downstairs.

He found the bar empty with few people left in the bar ducking under the tables, he didn't understand what was going and inquired the bartender, all that bartender said was:

"Where were you when the shit hit the fan?"

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Did you hear some expert thieves stole the toilets from the police station?

The police were left with nothing to go on.

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What do men and public toilets have in common?

All the good ones are taken, the rest are full of shit.

*this is a response to an earlier joke comparing women to parking spots*

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In the public toilets

I was in the public toilets today and as I sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi, how are you?".

Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine".

The voice said "So what are you up to?".

I said, "Just doing the same as you - sitting here!

Then I'm asked "Can I come over?".

Annoyed, I say "I'm rather busy right now".

Then the voice said, "Listen, I'll have to call you back, there's an idiot in the cubicle next to me answering all my questions".

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Why is stealing toilets from the police station the perfect crime?

Because the cops have nothing to go on.

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A bunch of toilets were stolen from the police department...

They have nothing to go on.

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As a kid I used to be scared of flushing toilets

I ended up having to face my fear because I didn't feel like dealing with this shit.

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Someone stole all the toilets from Scotland Yard

Police have nothing to go on.

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We don't give toilets enough credit

they take a lot of shit and never complain

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John: Doctor I heard you can get AIDS in the public toilets. Is this true?

Doctor: I mean... yeah, but it's uncomfortable.

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A burglar broke into the Police Department and stole all of the toilets . . .

The police are investigating, but they have nothing to go on.

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i was chatting up a fit girl......

I was chatting up a fit girl in a bar last night when a bloke came out the toilets and said "Oi mate, I'm her man".

I said "Cool, nice to meet you Herman. What do you think of this bird I'm gonna fuck tonight?"

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Breaking News: It has been reported that last night someone broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets in the building.

Police have issued a statement saying that at this moment they have nothing to go on.

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The toilets at the philosophy convention were clogged.

That was some deep shit man.

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I bet the Whitehouse cleaning staff is happy that Trump is in office,

the toilets must be immaculate since all his shit comes out his mouth.

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Man still not caught after stealing police station toilets.

Officers say they have nothing to go on.

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A school boy was in the toilets with his best mate seeing who could piss the highest up the wall when the teacher walked in...

She hit the roof!

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A lady had come to a little country town

A lady had come to a little country town at the time of their big country ball. She was staying with a friend who she was to go with to the ball. The evening of the big night, her friend became sick. The city woman decided to go any way. Her friend gave her a few pointers about what to expect at the ball. One of the pointers was that the toilets were somewhat different to what she was used to in the city. When she got to the ball, after a while she needed to go to the toilet. She asked where they were and was told they were upstairs down the corridor and on the right. After a while she got lost but found a big room with giant holes in the floor. Having remembered what her friend told her, she thought that they must have been the toilets and went about her business. When she was finished she walked downstairs to see the room was empty. She walked outside and asked a young man why everyone was standing outside. The young man replied "You mustn`t have been in there when the shit hit the fan!"

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What are the most funny Toilets jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Toilets? Well, here are the best Toilets dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Toilets pick up lines to share with friends.

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