Toilet Paper Jokes
118 toilet paper jokes and hilarious toilet paper puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about toilet paper that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Toilet Paper Short Jokes
Short toilet paper jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The toilet paper humour may include short toilet roll jokes also.
- How do you make your wife scream after s**...? Wipe your d**... on the curtain.
- From my 7yo Nephew, Why should you always bring toilet paper to gatherings? For all the party poopers!
- I had a breakthrough today and got in touch with my inner self. That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.
- What's four inches long, two inches wide, and drives women crazy? An empty toilet paper roll.
- Toilet paper is sort of like the Starship Enterprise it circles uranus looking for Klingons
- Wife and I fight over the right way to hang the toilet paper. So our therapist suggested we try the other person's way for a week.
You know, roll reversal. - I was so poor growing up, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper… Now those days are behind me…
- I bought a toilet brush since I saw one in pretty much everyone's bathroom... but after giving it a try for a week I decided to go back to using toilet paper.
- A woman tells her friend: "Hey, yesterday I bought a toilet brush". Her friend replied: "Alright, so?"
Her: Well I think its great invention, but I'd much rather use toilet paper. - My wife bought a toilet brush. I tried it. Too rough. I'm going back to using toilet paper.
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Toilet Paper One Liners
Which toilet paper one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with toilet paper? I can suggest the ones about paper towels and tissue paper.
- I got in touch with my inner self once... Never buying single ply toilet paper again.
- I asked arnold schwarzenegger where the toilet paper was He said Aisle B, back.
- To the genius who invented 1ply toilet paper.... I wanna shake your hand.
- What's the quickest way to get in touch with your inner self? Single-ply toilet paper
- Do you know how to cook toilet paper? No, but I do know how to brown it on one side.
- I just got in touch with my inner self Man, how I hate this cheap toilet paper at work
- I got really in touch with myself this morning... I need to use a better toilet paper.
- What is a math teacher's favorite kind of toilet paper? The kind that has multi ply's.
- Where did the terminator find toilet paper? Aisle B, Back.
- Life's like a roll of toilet paper The closer you get to the end the faster it goes
- What's the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain? Ah, so it was you...
- A Polish guy bought a toilet brush.. three days later he went back to paper..
- The best way I found to stop biting my nails was.. To stop buying toilet paper.
- I came into some money recently, I really must buy some more toilet paper.
- What did Ludacris say when he used up the last of the toilet paper? ROLL OUT!
Toilet Paper Shortage Jokes
Here is a list of funny toilet paper shortage jokes and even better toilet paper shortage puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- 1973 joke by Johnny Carson You know, we’ve got all sorts of shortages these days. But have you heard the latest? I’m not kidding. I saw it in the papers. There’s an acute shortage of toilet paper!
- First, we bought toilet paper for a respiratory virus because we lack common sense. Now, we have a nationwide coin shortage, which means we lack common cents!
- Why, despite all the shortages, was the toilet paper in East Germany always 2-ply? Because they had to send a copy of everything they did to Moscow.
One Ply Toilet Paper Jokes
Here is a list of funny one ply toilet paper jokes and even better one ply toilet paper puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do Daniel Day Lewis and one-ply toilet paper have in common? "There will be blood."
Hilarious Toilet Paper Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends
What funny jokes about toilet paper you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean piece paper jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make toilet paper pranks.
I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......
......... The Times are really Rough!!!
My six year old daughter was watching me shave this morning..
"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.
"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.
"Does it hurt?" she asked.
"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."
"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.
"No, I just stick a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts." I told her.
"But don't they just fall off?"
"No, sweetheart." I replied. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ellen jail joke
Ellen DeGeneres coronavirus jail joke - Today, I am filming this in my living room because all the other rooms in my house are filled with toilet paper !
One thing that I've learned from being in quarantine is that people this is like being in jail, is what it is !
It's mostly because I've been wearing the same clothes for 10 days and everyone in here is gay.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It was revealing when Americans bought toilet paper at the start of the COVID-19 Crisis
It goes to show in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, The Average American only cares about his own a**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Scientists claim its impossible to fold a piece of paper 8 times.
They have obviously never seen me wiping my a**... when there is only one sheet of toilet paper left.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two men are standing in line in Russia
One says to the other "What is this line for?"
"Toilet paper" his friend replies.
"I'm SICK of these endless lines just to get the basic needs of life! ", he says. "I'm going to go kill Putin."
He leaves, but comes back within a couple of hours. His friend is still standing in line for toilet paper. "Why are you back?", he asks. "Did you kill Putin?"
"No", the man replies, "The line for that was longer than this one!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It was no wonder there was a toilet paper shortage.
Given the number of a**... in the country.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My grandpa was telling me about when he used to hunt tigers.
He said, "this one time I was alone in the jungle when out of the bushes, right in front of me, a huge tiger leaped out suddenly and went RRROOOOAAAAAARRRRR!!!!!!! Kid, you won't believe it, I s**... myself."
I raised my eyebrows. "You bet I believe it, I'd have s**... myself too if that happened to me."
"That's not what I mean g**..., go fetch me some toilet paper."
Recently a new supermarket opened nearby
It has an automatic water mist generator to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it starts the mist, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk section, you hear cows mooing and you get the scent of freshly cut hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg counter, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more…
Why do Buddhists always buy 1 ply toilet paper?
Because they like to get in touch with their inner self.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To reach the bottom.
As told by my 5 y/o cousin.
The toilet brush
A man walks into a store looking for a toilet brush. The store owner shows him a variety of brushes at various pricepoints. The man thinks for a little while, then buys the cheapest one.
The next day the man is back at the store. "Were you unhappy with your purchase?" asks the shopkeeper. "We have other models that might work better."
The man agrees and buys a little more expensive one.
The next day the man is back yet again. The shopkeeper, visually puzzled on how a toilet brush can be such a big deal, asks "What's the matter, didn't like the new one either?"
"Well" replies the man. "To be honest it *was* pretty effective. But I gotta say, I prefer toilet paper!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife said she'd like us to save money for her to get breast implants
I told her, Why? All you need to do is rub some toilet paper between your b**... every day.
She said, What the h**... is that going to do?
I said, I don't know but it seems to have worked wonders on your a**....
Stock Market Report
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged.
The market for raisins dried up. Balloon prices were inflated. And toilet paper touched a new bottom.
So there was a shopkeeper who didn't liked Chinese
One day a Chinese man came to him and asked:
-I want buy dog food.
-I won't sell you dog food unless you come with dog.
-But I not want to come to shop with a dog.
Later he came with his dog and got his dog food.
The next day he came again and said:
-I want buy cat food.
-I won't sell you cat food unless you come with a cat.
-But I not want to come to shop with cat.
Later he came with his cat and got his cat food.
The next day he came with a paper bag:
-Put hand inside.
-Why?
-Just put hand inside.
-OK.
-Warm?
-Yes.
-Soft?
-Yes.
-I want buy toilet paper.
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.
He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request.
She said, I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.
Once again he thanked her.
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He went up to her and said, Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.
He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.
She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.
She replied, If I told you, you would only laugh.
No, I wouldn't, he said.
She said, I sell tampons.
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, See, I knew you would laugh.
That's not what I'm laughing at, he replied. I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!
Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
(This joke was my daughters suggestion)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The bathroom had no toilet paper, and all I had to use was the money in my pocket.
So I did what had to be done.
It was tough, and a little messy.
But for a clean a**...?
it was the best 43 cents i'd ever spent.
Pigeon Droppings
An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head.
"Yuck!" yells the woman. "Get some toilet paper."
"What for?" replies the man. "He must be half-a-mile away by now."
I just got some sudoku toilet paper
Sadly, I can't complete it because I can only fill it with 1s and 2s.
What does toilet paper and the Avatar have in common?
They disappear when the world needs them most.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Cardboard is a lot like 1-ply toilet paper. It's not really good at absorbing,
But it's really good at moving s**... around.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the guy who mixed up sandpaper and toilet paper?
His woodworking looked like s**....
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
My girlfriend left me because of the way I face the toilet paper. I told her I can't help it...
That's just how I roll.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's a Saturday evening...
It's a Saturday evening. A man goes up to the register in a supermarket, bearing a six pack of beer, a bag of chips, some dip, a pint of ice cream, and toilet paper. The cashier says, "Single, huh?"
The man laughs and says, "Yeah, how can you tell?"
The cashier says, "Because you're ugly."
Joke I came up with when I was ten
So a student walks into his classroom early and approaches the teacher.
He says: "I just wanted to tell you that I couldn't do my homework last night"
The teacher asks: "Why not?"
The students replies: "Because I ran out"
Teacher: "Of notebook paper?"
Student: "No, of toilet paper"
Teacher: "What does that have to do with anything?"
Student: "I had to improvise"
It's a really bad joke but I remember my parents thought it was funny.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife's small b**...
She's complained for years about them being small.
"Try rubbing toilet paper between them, they'll get bigger."
"How do you know it will work?"
"Look at you a**..., it worked for it."
Do you know the difference
"Hey, do you know what the difference is between window curtains and toilet paper?"
"No."
"So it was you then!!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why can't you use the Daily Mail as toilet paper?
Because it's already covered in s**....
A man goes into the bathroom to take a dump.
When he's done, he realizes there's no toilet paper. Knocking on the stall next to him, he asks, "Hey, do have an extra roll of toilet paper?"
"I'm sorry, but I do not."
He knocks again. "Do you have a newspaper?"
"I'm sorry, but I do not."
He knocks again. "Do you have an old handkerchief?"
"I'm sorry, but I do not."
He knocks again. "Do you have change for a five?"
Got this one from my grandpa.
All this panic buying has led me to using alternative methods for toilet paper...
Last week was tree leaves this week it's lettuce. And that's just the tip of the iceberg!
I hate it when I run out of toilet paper
and I have to make the trip to the grocery store in really small steps.
My wife complains I use too much toilet paper and I should only use three sheets.
Now she complains that the bed linen stinks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Covid 19 Toilet Paper craze was a lot like the Stock Market c**... of 1929
But this time, instead of everyone dumping their stocks, they're stocking for dumps
Wiping with only one square of toilet paper is a meditative experience....
You really get in touch with your inner self.
The Door Prize
Olie went to the neighborhood dance, and he won the big door prize. It was a toilet brush. So he took it home.
A few days later some friends of Olie asked him "Hey Olie how is that toilet brush working out for ya."
Olie said "Oh it works real good but I prefer toilet paper."
Good news! I read that people aren't hoarding toilet paper anymore,
Guess we wiped out that tissue, I mean, issue.
My problem might need addressing...
Ran out of toilet paper and started using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.
Back in my day, you could walk into a store with $25 and walk out with 2 ribeye steaks, a case of beer, a pack of toilet paper and a gallon of milk. You just can't do that anymore….
Too many cameras.
What does toilet paper and office paper have in common?
You can write on both of them with a No. 2
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the girl take toilet paper to the party?
She's a party p**...
Two blondes and a brunette are walking down the street...
Two blondes and a brunette are walking down the street when a bird poos on one of the blondes. The brunette says "I'll get some toilet paper" and runs off.
The other blonde laughs and says, "what an idiot, the bird will be miles away by the time she's back."
My favorite joke of all time: What do Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?
They circle Uranus looking for Klingons.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A drunk guy enters a Catholic church
A drunk guy enters a Catholic church. He stumbles along, talks with the statues and finally enters the confessional where he sits down quietly on the chair. The priest patiently waits for him then coughs a bit but he gets no reaction. He waits a little while longer and knocks in the wall, finally drawing the drunk's attention:
-Stop the knocking, fool, there's no toilet paper in here either!
The woman in the store
A woman walks into a store. Billy the clerk and the manager are talking away, and the woman asks the clerk where some stuff is.
Woman: "Excuse me sir, do you know where the Kleenex, toilet paper, ear cleaners, napkins, and tampons are?
The manager replies with, "Dear Lord Billy, help her! She's leaking from every hole!"
I got in touch with my inner self today.
Thats the last time I'm buying 1 ply toilet paper at the dollar store.
I had a real breakthrough this morning.
We have GOT to stop buying this cheap toilet paper!
I've never owned a toilet brush.So when I got married my wife got me one.
Tbh i still prefer toilet paper
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is school toilet paper referred to as John Wayne?
Because it's rough, tough and won't take s**... off anyone
"Do you know the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?"
"No..."
"Hey, everybody! I found the guy!"
Why is it considered spiritual to buy cheap toilet paper?
Because you come to touch with your inner self.
In touch with your inner self.
If you want to get in touch with your inner self, it's easy. Just buy single ply toilet paper.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman goes to the doctor to ask how she can get bigger b**......
The doctor says: "just rub a piece of toilet paper between your b**... every day"
1 month later she still has no result despite doing exactly what the doctor asked. The woman goes back and asks angrily: "doc, i rub a piece of toilet paper between them every day, yet my b**... are still the same size! How is this possible?"
The doctor says:" Well, i dunno it worked with your a**......"
A hot woman goes up to a guy at the bar and asks "Are you the manager?"
He smiles and says "yep"
She puts her arm around him and says "so it's your job to take care of this place"
"uh huh"
She sticks her fingers in his mouth and whispers in his hear "can I tell you a dirty little secret?"
He emphatically nods whiles mumbling "yes"
"There's no toilet paper in the ladies room"
Now what I don't get are these people who, instead of buying a four-pack or an eight-pack of toilet paper, they buy the single individual roll;
are you trying to quit?
Just recalling the great toilet paper shortage and my Walmart experience.
I couldnt find toilet paper anywhere at Walmart, so I finally found an associate wearing the signature yellow vest, and asked, " Is there toilet paper anywhere in this store?"
She looked me up and down and said, "We've been out of toilet paper for over a week."
Imagine my embarrassment as I waddled back to the restroom with my pants around my ankles.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are people buying so much toilet paper during the pandemic?
Because whenever someone around them coughs, they s**... their pants.
What's the difference between toilet paper and curtains?
If you can't tell the difference, you will never be invited to my house.
