Toilet Paper Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

I had a breakthrough today and got in touch with my inner self.

That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.

My six year old daughter was watching me shave this morning..

"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.

"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.

"Does it hurt?" she asked.

"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."

"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.

"No, I just stick a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts." I told her.

"But don't they just fall off?"

"No, sweetheart." I replied. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on."

What's four inches long, two inches wide, and drives women crazy?

An empty toilet paper roll.

Ellen jail joke

Ellen DeGeneres coronavirus jail joke - Today, I am filming this in my living room because all the other rooms in my house are filled with toilet paper !

One thing that I've learned from being in quarantine is that people this is like being in jail, is what it is !

It's mostly because I've been wearing the same clothes for 10 days and everyone in here is gay.

I got in touch with my inner self once...

Never buying single ply toilet paper again.

Today i got in touch with my inner self

That's the last time I buy cheap toilet paper

Toilet paper is sort of like the Starship Enterprise

it circles Uranus looking for Klingons

I was so poor growing up, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper…

Now those days are behind me…

I bought a toilet brush since I saw one in pretty much everyone's bathroom...

but after giving it a try for a week I decided to go back to using toilet paper.

Two men are standing in line in Russia

One says to the other "What is this line for?"

"Toilet paper" his friend replies.

"I'm SICK of these endless lines just to get the basic needs of life! ", he says. "I'm going to go kill Putin."

He leaves, but comes back within a couple of hours. His friend is still standing in line for toilet paper. "Why are you back?", he asks. "Did you kill Putin?"

"No", the man replies, "The line for that was longer than this one!"

I had a breakthrough and got in touch with my inner self.

That's the last time I buy single ply toilet paper.

I really got in touch with my inner self today.

I should probably start buying thicker toilet paper.

I got in touch with my inner self today.

Note to self, never get the 1 ply toilet paper again.

Why do Buddhists always buy 1 ply toilet paper?

Because they like to get in touch with their inner self.

Do you know what the difference is between toilet paper and a shower curtain?

Oh. So it's you then.

A drunk enters...

...a confessional booth. The priest is waiting for the sinner to speak up, but the drunk doesn't say a word. After a while the priest coughs... nothing... he coughs again... nothing. The priest was patient until now, but enough is enough: he starts banging on the wooden grid. The drunk finally speaks up:

"You're knocking to no avail, buddy... there ain't any toilet paper here either..."

What's the quickest way to get in touch with your inner self?

Single-ply toilet paper

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To reach the bottom.
As told by my 5 y/o cousin.

I got in touch with my inner self this morning.

That's the last time I'm buying the cheap toilet paper.

The toilet brush

A man walks into a store looking for a toilet brush. The store owner shows him a variety of brushes at various pricepoints. The man thinks for a little while, then buys the cheapest one.

The next day the man is back at the store. "Were you unhappy with your purchase?" asks the shopkeeper. "We have other models that might work better."

The man agrees and buys a little more expensive one.

The next day the man is back yet again. The shopkeeper, visually puzzled on how a toilet brush can be such a big deal, asks "What's the matter, didn't like the new one either?"

"Well" replies the man. "To be honest it *was* pretty effective. But I gotta say, I prefer toilet paper!"

Do you know how to cook toilet paper?

No, but I do know how to brown it on one side.

So there was a shopkeeper who didn't liked Chinese

One day a Chinese man came to him and asked:

-I want buy dog food.

-I won't sell you dog food unless you come with dog.

-But I not want to come to shop with a dog.

Later he came with his dog and got his dog food.

The next day he came again and said:

-I want buy cat food.

-I won't sell you cat food unless you come with a cat.

-But I not want to come to shop with cat.

Later he came with his cat and got his cat food.

The next day he came with a paper bag:

-Put hand inside.

-Why?

-Just put hand inside.

-OK.

-Warm?

-Yes.

-Soft?

-Yes.

-I want buy toilet paper.

Stock Market Report

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged.

The market for raisins dried up. Balloon prices were inflated. And toilet paper touched a new bottom.

Pigeon Droppings

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head.

"Yuck!" yells the woman. "Get some toilet paper."

"What for?" replies the man. "He must be half-a-mile away by now."

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.

He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request.

She said, I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.

Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He went up to her and said, Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.

He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.

She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, If I told you, you would only laugh.

No, I wouldn't, he said.

She said, I sell tampons.

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, See, I knew you would laugh.

That's not what I'm laughing at, he replied. I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!

Why didn't the toilet paper make it across the road?

It got stuck in a crack

My favorite one liner

Using single ply toilet paper is the best way of getting in touch with your inner self.

I just got some Sudoku toilet paper

Sadly, I can't complete it because I can only fill it with 1s and 2s.

What do the USS Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?

They both circle Uranus looking for klingons.

Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in a crack.

You must be single.

A woman was walking to the checkout at the supermarket when she passed a drunk man leaning against a newspaper rack. Obviously being someone she didn't want to engage in conversation, she walks past him and starts unloading the contents of her cart onto the conveyor belt.

1 head of lettuce

A bag of flour

4 oranges

A loaf of bread

A pack of toilet paper

A flat of water

And two pounds of ground beef.

The woman is about to check out when she notices the drunk man has been watching her the entire time, he yells out with such conviction:

"You must be single!"

The woman was indeed single and knew she shouldn't engage this drunk man, but she looked at what she had bought and nothing jumped out at her that should broadcast her relationship status. She responds:

"You're right! I am single. But how on earth could you tell?"

Slurring his words, the man replies:

"Cuz' yer ugly."

Ladies room

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"Can't," breathes the bartender. "He's not here. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

What does toilet paper and the Avatar have in common?

They disappear when the world needs them most.

This guy goes through the checkout line of the grocery store…

and he's got, like, a stack of frozen dinners, a six-pack of beer, a big 'ol bag of chips, and a single roll of toilet paper.
The cute checkout girl says, "Well, I know *you're* single!"
The guy says, "Well, yeahβ€”how'd you guess?"
She says, "You're ugly."

I'd like to buy some dog food

MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry; I can't sell this dog food to you unless Isee the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see
your cat.
The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm... It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.

What are the funniest toilet paper jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Toilet Paper? Well, here are the best Toilet Paper puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Toilet Paper pick up lines to share with friends.

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