toilet paper Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious toilet paper puns

Life is a lot like toilet paper.

You're either on a roll.....or you're taking shit from some asshole.

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I had a breakthrough today and got in touch with my inner self.

That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.

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My six year old daughter was watching me shave this morning..

"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.

"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.

"Does it hurt?" she asked.

"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."

"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.

"No, I just stick a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts." I told her.

"But don't they just fall off?"

"No, sweetheart." I replied. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on."

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What's four inches long, two inches wide, and drives women crazy?

An empty toilet paper roll.

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I got in touch with my inner self once...

Never buying single ply toilet paper again.

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Today i got in touch with my inner self

That's the last time I buy cheap toilet paper

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Toilet paper is sort of like the Starship Enterprise

it circles Uranus looking for Klingons

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I was taking a shit when I realized there wasn't any toilet paper, good bye Socks!

Stupid name for a hamster anyway...

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My wife wanted bigger breasts. I told her to rub toilet paper between them and over time they'll grow huge. She asked, "How do you know it will work?"

"It worked for your ass didn't it?!"

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I was so poor growing up, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper…

Now those days are behind me…

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Two men are standing in line in Russia

One says to the other "What is this line for?"

"Toilet paper" his friend replies.

"I'm SICK of these endless lines just to get the basic needs of life! ", he says. "I'm going to go kill Putin."

He leaves, but comes back within a couple of hours. His friend is still standing in line for toilet paper. "Why are you back?", he asks. "Did you kill Putin?"

"No", the man replies, "The line for that was longer than this one!"

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I had a breakthrough and got in touch with my inner self.

That's the last time I buy single ply toilet paper.

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I got in touch with my inner self today.

Note to self, never get the 1 ply toilet paper again.

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Why do Buddhists always buy 1 ply toilet paper?

Because they like to get in touch with their inner self.

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Do you know what the difference is between toilet paper and a shower curtain?

Oh. So it's you then.

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A drunk enters...

...a confessional booth. The priest is waiting for the sinner to speak up, but the drunk doesn't say a word. After a while the priest coughs... nothing... he coughs again... nothing. The priest was patient until now, but enough is enough: he starts banging on the wooden grid. The drunk finally speaks up:

"You're knocking to no avail, buddy... there ain't any toilet paper here either..."

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What's the quickest way to get in touch with your inner self?

Single-ply toilet paper

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Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To reach the bottom.
As told by my 5 y/o cousin.

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A Husband and Wife were getting ready for bed...

A Husband and Wife were getting ready for bed one evening. The woman was looking at herself regretfully in the mirror and stated her wish that her boobs were bigger.
"What you should do" said her husband "Is rub toilet paper between your tits every day".
"How is that going to help?" she asked.
His reply -
"It's been working pretty well on your arse".

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I got in touch with my inner self this morning.

That's the last time I'm buying the cheap toilet paper.

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Life is like toilet paper

You're either on a roll ... or taking shit from an arsehole

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The toilet brush

A man walks into a store looking for a toilet brush. The store owner shows him a variety of brushes at various pricepoints. The man thinks for a little while, then buys the cheapest one.

The next day the man is back at the store. "Were you unhappy with your purchase?" asks the shopkeeper. "We have other models that might work better."

The man agrees and buys a little more expensive one.

The next day the man is back yet again. The shopkeeper, visually puzzled on how a toilet brush can be such a big deal, asks "What's the matter, didn't like the new one either?"

"Well" replies the man. "To be honest it *was* pretty effective. But I gotta say, I prefer toilet paper!"

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Do you know how to cook toilet paper?

No, but I do know how to brown it on one side.

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A kid asks his teacher to go to the bathroom...

A kid asks his teacher to go to the bathroom.. The teacher says okay and he goes the the bathroom takes a crap but realizes there is no toilet paper. He is forced to wipe with his hand and goes back to class with his hand close.
The teacher tells him to open his hand and he responds, "no there is a leprechaun in there and your going to scare it away"
The teacher fed up sends him to the nurse who tells him to open his hand. He says "no there is a leprechaun in there and your going to scare it away"
The nurse calls his mom to pick him and where she yells at him to open his hand he responds again "no there is a leprechaun in there and your going to scare it away"
She tells him to go to see his father downstairs.His dad says " open your hand" he starts to repeat again that he has a leprechaun in his hand but the father takes his hand and opens it and sees his hand covered in poop.
He says, "see dad you scared the shit out of it"

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So there was a shopkeeper who didn't liked Chinese

One day a Chinese man came to him and asked:

-I want buy dog food.

-I won't sell you dog food unless you come with dog.

-But I not want to come to shop with a dog.

Later he came with his dog and got his dog food.

The next day he came again and said:

-I want buy cat food.

-I won't sell you cat food unless you come with a cat.

-But I not want to come to shop with cat.

Later he came with his cat and got his cat food.

The next day he came with a paper bag:

-Put hand inside.

-Why?

-Just put hand inside.

-OK.

-Warm?

-Yes.

-Soft?

-Yes.

-I want buy toilet paper.

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You ever realize life is like toilet paper??

One minute you're on a roll, next you're taking shit from some asshole

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Do you know what is 4 inches in length, 2 inches in diameter, and drives women fucking crazy?

An empty toilet paper roll.

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Stock Market Report

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged.

The market for raisins dried up. Balloon prices were inflated. And toilet paper touched a new bottom.

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.

He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request.

She said, I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.

Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He went up to her and said, Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.

He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.

She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, If I told you, you would only laugh.

No, I wouldn't, he said.

She said, I sell tampons.

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, See, I knew you would laugh.

That's not what I'm laughing at, he replied. I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!

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Pigeon Droppings

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head.

"Yuck!" yells the woman. "Get some toilet paper."

"What for?" replies the man. "He must be half-a-mile away by now."

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Why didn't the toilet paper make it across the road?

It got stuck in a crack

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My favorite one liner

Using single ply toilet paper is the best way of getting in touch with your inner self.

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I got a piece of ass last night,,,

My finger broke through the toilet paper

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I just got some Sudoku toilet paper

Sadly, I can't complete it because I can only fill it with 1s and 2s.

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A woman is standing in line...

...at the checkout in a grocery store. She has in her cart a box of laundry detergent, some cereal, a pack of tampons, some apples and toilet paper. When it's her turn to checkout, the clerk looks at all her purchases and remarks, "Wow, you must be single." The woman exclaims, "Wow! You can tell that just by looking at what I bought?" The clerk responds, "No, you're just fucking ugly."

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What are the most funny Toilet Paper jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Toilet Paper? Well, here are the best Toilet Paper dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Toilet Paper pick up lines to share with friends.

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