The Best 76 Toilet Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Toilet jokes. There are some toilet outhouse jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these toilet toilet seat puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 Funniest Toilet Jokes and Puns
I got a phone call from my son's school today
Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?
Yes, how can I help you?
Hi, This is little Billy's music teacher calling
Oh, hi
Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!
Really? Wow! That's..
Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl when it goes to the toilet?
Because the P is silent.
The toilet at my local Police Station has been stolen.
Cops have nothing to go on
What did people say when the inventor of the Dry Erase Board showed off his new invention.
That's Remarkable!
Terrible joke, came to me on the toilet early, but I had to say it. And it's also likely be told in some form before.
A wife texts her husband
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are
sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If
you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you
are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."
Someone broke into the local police station and stole the toilet.
Right now the cops have nothing to go on.
It's ironic that Pistorius will wake up this morning and there really will be a burglar using his toilet.
What did they find in the toilet in the star ship Enterprise?
The captain's log.
Annoying husband
Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife says: I clean the toilet...
Husband says: How does that help?
Wife says: I use your Toothbrush.....
My daughter's boyfriend came round.
"Don't even think about having sex with her," I told him, while she was in the toilet.
"OK, sir. I understand," he panicked.
"Good," I replied, "I wouldn't want you to be as disappointed as I was."
My friend started calling the toilet the Jim instead of the John
He said it sounds better when he tell people he goes to the Jim everyday.
You can explore toilet rim reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean toilet bathroom dad jokes. There are also toilet puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom
The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."
The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"
I have electrified a clickbait journalist's toilet.
Number 2 will shock them.
People wonder why I call my toilet "the Jim" instead of "the John"
I do it so I can say "I go to the Jim first thing every morning"
Whats the worst thing you can do to a blind man?
Leave the plunger in the toilet
How do you make a blind person scream?
Leave the plunger in the toilet.
I am 24 seconds older than my twin brother...
... whenever I come out of the toilet I start a sentence with "When I was your age...." then proceed telling him the details of my majestic creation.
I got in touch with my inner self once...
Never buying single ply toilet paper again.
Golf is like urinating in a public toilet
- Keep your back straight
- knees bent.
- Feet shoulder width apart.
- Form a loose Grip
- keep your head down
- avoid a quick backswing
- stay out of the water
- try not to hit anybody
- if you taking too long you should let others go ahead of you
- you shouldn't stand directly in front of others
- be quite when others are about to go
- keep strokes to a minimum
Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".
"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"
What's the worst trick you can do to your blind brother?
Leave the plunger in the toilet
My six year old daughter was watching me shave this morning..
"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.
"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.
"Does it hurt?" she asked.
"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."
"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.
"No, I just stick a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts." I told her.
"But don't they just fall off?"
"No, sweetheart." I replied. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on."
I was so poor growing up, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper…
Now those days are behind me…
I decided to rename my toilet from "The John" to "The Jim."
I feel much better saying I've been to "The Jim" this morning.
What's four inches long, two inches wide, and drives women crazy?
An empty toilet paper roll.
Toilet paper is sort of like the Starship Enterprise
it circles Uranus looking for Klingons
How do you watch NASCAR without a TV?
You flush a bag of M&M's down the toilet.
I had a breakthrough today and got in touch with my inner self.
That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.
A father is teaching his boy how to pee in the toilet.
"OK son", he says. It's as easy as counting to 5.
1. Pull down your pants.
2. Pull back your foreskin.
3. Pee in the toilet.
4. Put your foreskin back.
5. Pull up your pants.
From then on, every time the boy goes to the toilet, he counts from 1 to 5. One day, the father noticed his son was taking quite some time in the toilet. He went to check on him and overheard his son saying "2,4,2,4,2,4,2,4".
Two reasons I don't drink toilet water.
No.1
No.2
Did you hear about the robbers who broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats?
It happened last week and the cops still don't have anything to go on.
I started calling my toilet the "Jim"...
instead of the John.
It sounds much better when I say that I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
I just made love to my girlfriend
She asked, "If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?"
I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.
"Well" I said, "If he can get out of that, we'll call him Houdini".
I got in touch with my inner self today.
Note to self, never get the 1 ply toilet paper again.
How do you surprise a blind man?
Leave the plunger in the toilet
About 14 women asked me out today
I was in the wrong toilet
Two men are standing in line in Russia
One says to the other "What is this line for?"
"Toilet paper" his friend replies.
"I'm SICK of these endless lines just to get the basic needs of life! ", he says. "I'm going to go kill Putin."
He leaves, but comes back within a couple of hours. His friend is still standing in line for toilet paper. "Why are you back?", he asks. "Did you kill Putin?"
"No", the man replies, "The line for that was longer than this one!"
I forgot my phone when I went to the toilet this morning.
We have 368 tiles.
I really got in touch with my inner self today.
I should probably start buying thicker toilet paper.
I bought a toilet brush since I saw one in pretty much everyone's bathroom...
but after giving it a try for a week I decided to go back to using toilet paper.
A beta tester walks into a bar
A beta tester runs into a bar
A beta tester crawls into a bar
A beta tester moonwalks into a bar
A beta tester jumps into a bar
A beta tester sneaks into a bar
A beta tester orders 1 beer
A beta tester orders 2 beers
A beta tester orders 0 beers
A beta tester orders 999999999 beers
A beta tester orders -1 beers
A beta tester orders qwertyuip beers
A beta tester orders a lizard in a cup
A regular user walks into the bar and asks if he can use their toilet
The bar erupts into flames and burns to the ground.
I've run out of toilet paper and started to use old newspapers instead.
The Times are rough
My grandpa was telling me about when he used to hunt tigers.
He said, "this one time I was alone in the jungle when out of the bushes, right in front of me, a huge tiger leaped out suddenly and went RRROOOOAAAAAARRRRR!!!!!!! Kid, you won't believe it, I shat myself."
I raised my eyebrows. "You bet I believe it, I'd have shat myself too if that happened to me."
"That's not what I mean goddamnit, go fetch me some toilet paper."
It was revealing when Americans bought toilet paper at the start of the COVID-19 Crisis
It goes to show in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, The Average American only cares about his own ass.
My 3 year old daughter asked
My 3 year old daughter asked: Where does poo come from?
I decided it was best to explain it at a level she would understand so I said: You just had breakfast?
Yes , she replied.
Well, the food goes in your mouth down into your tummy. Our body takes all the good stuff it needs out of the food and then what's left goes down to your bottom and when you go to the toilet that comes out as poo.
She looked confused and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds. Then asked: And Tigger?
A black man get lost in a desert and finds a genie's lamp.
The genie tells him he has 3 wishes and can be granted anything but more wishes. The man ponders for a while and says " ok I got it" . " firstly I wish to never run out of water, second I wish to be white, and third of all I wish I got a lot of ass". The genie tell him " this I can do" and grants all three of the mans wishes at once . he then tells the man "you are now white, will never run out of water, and will get tons of ass everyday. I've turned you into a toilet"
Scientists claim its impossible to fold a piece of paper 8 times.
They have obviously never seen me wiping my ass when there is only one sheet of toilet paper left.
A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub
The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren't mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"
The cop, obviously in disbelief, tells the woman, "Show me."
So the woman tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the woman's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"
A wife sent a romantic text to her husband one day. It read, If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, sent me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband replied, I am on the toilet. Please advise.
A guy says to his wife: "Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I poop!"
Wife: "So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?
He: Oh, yeah, I guess you could also do it that way...
What does the USS Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
They both circle Uranus in search of Klingons.
Son: Daddy, what is the difference between paranoia and schizophrenia?
Dad: Paranoia is when you go to the toilet, when your home alone, and lock the door behind you. And schizophrenia is when somebody knocks.
A wife sent her husband a romantic text message…
She wrote: If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you. Her husband texted back: I'm on the toilet, please advise.
I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......
......... The Times are really Rough!!!
Relationships are like Indian food
They start out hot and spicy but end up with someone on the toilet crying and saying why me.
When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat
Is a warm toilet seat
I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger where the toilet paper was
He said Aisle B, back.
I Think My Toilet Has Anger Issues
Whenever I flush it, it completely loses its shit.
I once had to pretend that i was taking a shit, so I dropped a bottle of soap in the toilet
It was a shampoo.
A man got arrested for having drugs in his pocket.
"Officer," he said, "I can explain."
-How? -the officer replied.
"Every time I throw those drugs in the toilet, they magicaly reappear in my pocket."
-Don't lie to me. -says the officer.
"Let me show you then."
So the officer allows him to show it. A man takes out drugs, throw it in the toilet and fushes the water.
-Let me see your pocket now. -says the officer.
"My pockets?"
-Yes, to see those drugs.
"What drugs?"
I ran out of toilet paper so I started using old newspapers
The Times are rough
It was no wonder there was a toilet paper shortage.
Given the number of assholes in the country.
The toilet was stolen from the police station.
The cops have nothing to go on.
A girl was cleaning the toilet with her younger brother.
Then their mom walked in and yelled, "Get his head out of there!"
I feel very strongly about graffiti in toilet cubicles
So I have signed a partition
2 wives go on a girls night out
On the way home they both need the toilet, so decide to stop at a graveyard, but they have nothing to wipe with.
The first takes off her panties and uses them, while the other takes a wreath and uses that.
The next day, one of their husbands calls the other and says:
"No more girls nights out. My wife came home with no panties. "
The other husband says:
"Thats nothing. Mine came home with a card in her crack that said 'from all of us at the fire station, we will never forget you. "
From my 7yo Nephew, Why should you always bring toilet paper to gatherings?
For all the party poopers!
I got drunk last night and swallowed some scrabble tiles
Next trip to the toilet could spell disaster..
What would you do if all toilets stopped working?
Depends.
Here's a simple trick to follow if you are caught in the wilderness without toilet paper.
Just take a leaf out of Bear Grylls' book.
I go to the toilet for two reasons.
Number 1 and number 2.
Toilet stolen from police headquarters
Cops have nothing to go on.
Did you hear about the prince who plays poker on the toilet?
He always has a royal flush
Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
(This joke was my daughters suggestion)
Back in my day, you could walk into a store with $25 and walk out with 2 ribeye steaks, a case of beer, a pack of toilet paper and a gallon of milk. You just can't do that anymore….
Too many cameras.
Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the toilet toilet bowl jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working toilet toilet roll piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.