Toilet Jokes
163 toilet jokes and hilarious toilet puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about toilet that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for some hilarious toilet jokes? Then you've come to the right place! This article is full of funny toilet jokes that will have you laughing out loud. So go ahead and take a break from your busy day and enjoy a good laugh.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Toilet Short Jokes
Short toilet jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The toilet humour may include short restroom jokes also.
- When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat Is a warm toilet seat
- It's ironic that Pistorius will wake up this morning and there really will be a burglar using his toilet.
- How do you make your wife scream after s**...? Wipe your d**... on the curtain.
- From my 7yo Nephew, Why should you always bring toilet paper to gatherings? For all the party poopers!
- I started calling my toilet the "Jim"... instead of the John.
It sounds much better when I say that I go to the Jim first thing every morning. - I had a breakthrough today and got in touch with my inner self. That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.
- What's four inches long, two inches wide, and drives women crazy? An empty toilet paper roll.
- Toilet paper is sort of like the Starship Enterprise it circles uranus looking for Klingons
- Wife and I fight over the right way to hang the toilet paper. So our therapist suggested we try the other person's way for a week.
You know, roll reversal. - I was so poor growing up, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper… Now those days are behind me…
Share These Toilet Jokes With Friends
Toilet One Liners
Which toilet one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with toilet? I can suggest the ones about washroom and bathroom.
- I used to clean the toilets when I was in the army They called me loo tenant
- The toilet at my local police station has been stolen. Cops have nothing to go on
- How do you surprise a blind man? Leave the plunger in the toilet
- I got in touch with my inner self once... Never buying single ply toilet paper again.
- Two reasons I don't drink toilet water. No.1
No.2 - About 14 women asked me out today I was in the wrong toilet
- What did they find in the toilet in the star ship Enterprise? The captain's log.
- I feel very strongly about graffiti in toilet cubicles So I have signed a partition
- How do you watch nascar without a TV? You flush a bag of M&M's down the toilet.
- When does Q come before P? When there's a line for the toilet.
- What does a non-binary person do on the toilet? They/She/It
- "Ladies and Gents" That concludes our tour of the toilets
- What's the worst trick you can do to your blind brother? Leave the plunger in the toilet
- I asked arnold schwarzenegger where the toilet paper was He said Aisle B, back.
- I forgot my phone when I went to the toilet this morning. We have 368 tiles.
Toilet Paper Jokes
Here is a list of funny toilet paper jokes and even better toilet paper puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I bought a toilet brush since I saw one in pretty much everyone's bathroom... but after giving it a try for a week I decided to go back to using toilet paper.
- A woman tells her friend: "Hey, yesterday I bought a toilet brush". Her friend replied: "Alright, so?"
Her: Well I think its great invention, but I'd much rather use toilet paper. - My wife bought a toilet brush. I tried it. Too rough. I'm going back to using toilet paper.
- Why do Buddhists always buy 1 ply toilet paper? Because they like to get in touch with their inner self.
- To the genius who invented 1ply toilet paper.... I wanna shake your hand.
- Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To reach the bottom.
As told by my 5 y/o cousin. - What's the quickest way to get in touch with your inner self? Single-ply toilet paper
- Do you know how to cook toilet paper? No, but I do know how to brown it on one side.
- Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road? Because it got stuck in a crack.
(This joke was my daughters suggestion) - I just got some Sudoku toilet paper Sadly, I can't complete it because I can only fill it with 1s and 2s.
Toilet Flush Jokes
Here is a list of funny toilet flush jokes and even better toilet flush puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I suspect that my son has been flushing his blunts down the toilet. No wonder my water bill is so high.
- In Holland you aren't allowed to flush children down the toilet. Too many clogs.
- Sir John Harrington, inventor of the modern flush toilet is well remembered for two reasons: Number 1 and Number 2
- I complimented the toilet. It flushed.
- I got so mad at these uncomfortable wooden shoes that I tried to flush them down the toilet. Worst clog ever.
- New bathroom I was shopping for a new bathroom this week, and was shown an amazing toilet that plays ABBA songs when you flush it.
What a loo. - Did you hear about the prince who plays poker on the toilet? He always has a royal flush
- What do you call a king on the toilet? A royal flush
- What happens when the Queen is done visiting the toilet? A Royal Flush.
- My wife got mad at me for buying $10,000 worth of toilet paper. She said i was flushing all of our money down the drain.
Toilet Seat Jokes
Here is a list of funny toilet seat jokes and even better toilet seat puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you hear about the robbers who broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats? It happened last week and the cops still don't have anything to go on.
- How will we truly reach gender equality? By leaving the toilet seat at a 45 degree angle for the next person to decide without bias.
- What's comforting and scary at the same time? A warm toilet seat.
- Someone stole all the toilet seats at the station! Authorities have nothing to go on.
- Wanted: A man has been stealing toilet seats from all the police precincts. Currently the police have nothing to go on
- My wife left me because I never put the toilet seat down. To be fair, I don't know why I started carrying it around with me in the first place.
- I stole a toilet seat from a police station once, and they never figured out it was me. They had nothing to go on.
- What does a pirate say when he sits down on a really cold toilet seat? Shrivel me timber!
- Toilet seats can give you STD's... ...If you sit down before the person stands up
- I got caught looking down a girl's top. I was so embarrassed. I almost slipped off the toilet seat.
Sitting Toilet Jokes
Here is a list of funny sitting toilet jokes and even better sitting toilet puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. It was so disgusting I nearly couldn't finish my sandwich.
- The steps involved in constipation: 1) Sit on the toilet.
There is no number two. - My four year old cousin told me: Home is where you can sit on the toilet as long as you want.
- There's a detective who figures out crime by sitting on the toilet. He solves cases by process of elimination.
- Sitting on the toilet this morning, I was reminded of my recent divorce. At first I thought I thought I was in for a clean break, but then it got messy and there was lots of paperwork.
- that awkward feeling. when you are sitting on the toilet and forgot to lock the door and your boss walks in... and your pants are up.
- Every morning I tell myself, "You have so much within you. You can do it!" And then I sit on the toilet.
- I wanna teach everyone here how to sit on a toilet. But first...
- What's the difference between broadway and sitting on the toilet? On Broadway you're trying to make a splash!
- I am sitting on the toilet with the squirts. Yes. This is a shitpost.
Toilet Humour Jokes
Here is a list of funny toilet humour jokes and even better toilet humour puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Toilet humour... That U-bend behind the toilet.....i just can`t get my head around that..
Toilet Jokes to Giggle and Enjoy A Night of Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about toilet you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bidet jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make toilet pranks.
I got a phone call from my son's school today
Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?
Yes, how can I help you?
Hi, This is little Billy's music teacher calling
Oh, hi
Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!
Really? Wow! That's..
Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet
What's the difference between a toilet and a microwave?
If your answer was "I don't know", please don't invite me over for dinner.
The Magic Mirror
In this public toilet, there's this magic mirror. Whenever you say something untruthful you disappear.
A red head walks into the toilets and says "I think I have the best legs in the world" and puff...she's gone.
Next a brunette walks into the toilets and says "I think I have the most sexist eyes" and puff...she's gone
Finally a blonde walks into the toilets and says "I think..." and puff she's gone!
What did people say when the inventor of the Dry Erase Board showed off his new invention.
That's Remarkable!
Terrible joke, came to me on the toilet early, but I had to say it. And it's also likely be told in some form before.
Police humors
Someone cut a hole in the nudist camp fence. The police are looking into it.
Someone stole the toilet from the police headquarters. The cops have nothing to go on.
Frenchman in a hotel.
A french man calls the room service and asks for some "pepper".
"Well ... would you like some white pepper or black pepper?" asks the receptionist.
"Toilet pepper."
What did Euler find in his toilet?
A natural log
A wife texts her husband
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are
sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If
you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you
are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The FBI Arrested me Once for m**... on a Airplane Toilet
They accused me of High Jacking
Annoying husband
Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife says: I clean the toilet...
Husband says: How does that help?
Wife says: I use your Toothbrush.....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My daughter's boyfriend came round.
"Don't even think about having s**... with her," I told him, while she was in the toilet.
"OK, sir. I understand," he panicked.
"Good," I replied, "I wouldn't want you to be as disappointed as I was."
A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom
The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."
The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"
I have electrified a clickbait journalist's toilet.
Number 2 will shock them.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you make a blind person scream?
Leave the plunger in the toilet.
I am 24 seconds older than my twin brother...
... whenever I come out of the toilet I start a sentence with "When I was your age...." then proceed telling him the details of my majestic creation.
Golf is like urinating in a public toilet
- Keep your back straight
- knees bent.
- Feet shoulder width apart.
- Form a loose Grip
- keep your head down
- avoid a quick backswing
- stay out of the water
- try not to hit anybody
- if you taking too long you should let others go ahead of you
- you shouldn't stand directly in front of others
- be quite when others are about to go
- keep strokes to a minimum
If you see a toilet in your dream, do not use it.
It's a trap.
What's the difference between a toilet and a graveyard?
Nothing. When you have to go, you have to go.
Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".
"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was having dinner at my girlfriend's house for the first time.
"Excuse me, I just need the toilet," I said, excusing myself from the table.
"Don't forget to spray the air freshener!" joked the dad.
I said, "No need. c**... doesn't smell."
My six year old daughter was watching me shave this morning..
"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.
"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.
"Does it hurt?" she asked.
"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."
"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.
"No, I just stick a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts." I told her.
"But don't they just fall off?"
"No, sweetheart." I replied. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on."
I decided to rename my toilet from "The John" to "The Jim."
I feel much better saying I've been to "The Jim" this morning.
I saw a sign that said disabled toilet
No one will help me find the button to enable it.
Pigeon Droppings
An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head.
"Yuck!" yells the woman. "Get some toilet paper."
"What for?" replies the man. "He must be half-a-mile away by now."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A father is teaching his boy how to pee in the toilet.
"OK son", he says. It's as easy as counting to 5.
1. Pull down your pants.
2. Pull back your f**....
3. Pee in the toilet.
4. Put your f**... back.
5. Pull up your pants.
From then on, every time the boy goes to the toilet, he counts from 1 to 5. One day, the father noticed his son was taking quite some time in the toilet. He went to check on him and overheard his son saying "2,4,2,4,2,4,2,4".
The toilet brush
A man walks into a store looking for a toilet brush. The store owner shows him a variety of brushes at various pricepoints. The man thinks for a little while, then buys the cheapest one.
The next day the man is back at the store. "Were you unhappy with your purchase?" asks the shopkeeper. "We have other models that might work better."
The man agrees and buys a little more expensive one.
The next day the man is back yet again. The shopkeeper, visually puzzled on how a toilet brush can be such a big deal, asks "What's the matter, didn't like the new one either?"
"Well" replies the man. "To be honest it *was* pretty effective. But I gotta say, I prefer toilet paper!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A lady came in for a routine physical at the doctor's office.
Here , said the nurse, handing her a u**... specimen container. The bathroom is over there on your right.
The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.
A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face.
Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn't need this after all!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A warm toilet seat is just like a p**......
It feels good, but you know someone was just there.
So there was a shopkeeper who didn't liked Chinese
One day a Chinese man came to him and asked:
-I want buy dog food.
-I won't sell you dog food unless you come with dog.
-But I not want to come to shop with a dog.
Later he came with his dog and got his dog food.
The next day he came again and said:
-I want buy cat food.
-I won't sell you cat food unless you come with a cat.
-But I not want to come to shop with cat.
Later he came with his cat and got his cat food.
The next day he came with a paper bag:
-Put hand inside.
-Why?
-Just put hand inside.
-OK.
-Warm?
-Yes.
-Soft?
-Yes.
-I want buy toilet paper.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just made love to my girlfriend
She asked, "If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?"
I took off my c**..., tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.
"Well" I said, "If he can get out of that, we'll call him Houdini".
I just bought an ABBA toilet.
What a loo!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two men are standing in line in Russia
One says to the other "What is this line for?"
"Toilet paper" his friend replies.
"I'm SICK of these endless lines just to get the basic needs of life! ", he says. "I'm going to go kill Putin."
He leaves, but comes back within a couple of hours. His friend is still standing in line for toilet paper. "Why are you back?", he asks. "Did you kill Putin?"
"No", the man replies, "The line for that was longer than this one!"
For anybody who doesn't believe vaccines cause autism...
My Douglas was vaccinated and is now nearly five years old. He has still not learned to speak a single word, cannot dress himself and is not even able to use the toilet.
Don't let vaccines ruin your dog's life too.
A beta tester walks into a bar
A beta tester runs into a bar
A beta tester crawls into a bar
A beta tester moonwalks into a bar
A beta tester jumps into a bar
A beta tester sneaks into a bar
A beta tester orders 1 beer
A beta tester orders 2 beers
A beta tester orders 0 beers
A beta tester orders 999999999 beers
A beta tester orders -1 beers
A beta tester orders qwertyuip beers
A beta tester orders a lizard in a cup
A regular user walks into the bar and asks if he can use their toilet
The bar erupts into flames and burns to the ground.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My grandpa was telling me about when he used to hunt tigers.
He said, "this one time I was alone in the jungle when out of the bushes, right in front of me, a huge tiger leaped out suddenly and went RRROOOOAAAAAARRRRR!!!!!!! Kid, you won't believe it, I s**... myself."
I raised my eyebrows. "You bet I believe it, I'd have s**... myself too if that happened to me."
"That's not what I mean g**..., go fetch me some toilet paper."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It was revealing when Americans bought toilet paper at the start of the COVID-19 Crisis
It goes to show in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, The Average American only cares about his own a**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My 3 year old daughter asked
My 3 year old daughter asked: Where does p**... come from?
I decided it was best to explain it at a level she would understand so I said: You just had breakfast?
Yes , she replied.
Well, the food goes in your mouth down into your tummy. Our body takes all the good stuff it needs out of the food and then what's left goes down to your bottom and when you go to the toilet that comes out as p**....
She looked confused and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds. Then asked: And Tigger?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A black man get lost in a desert and finds a genie's lamp.
The genie tells him he has 3 wishes and can be granted anything but more wishes. The man ponders for a while and says " ok I got it" . " firstly I wish to never run out of water, second I wish to be white, and third of all I wish I got a lot of a**...". The genie tell him " this I can do" and grants all three of the mans wishes at once . he then tells the man "you are now white, will never run out of water, and will get tons of a**... everyday. I've turned you into a toilet"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Scientists claim its impossible to fold a piece of paper 8 times.
They have obviously never seen me wiping my a**... when there is only one sheet of toilet paper left.
A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub
The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren't mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"
The cop, obviously in disbelief, tells the woman, "Show me."
So the woman tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the woman's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was sitting on the toilet, angry and late for work.
I was thinking, " I don't have time for this s**...!".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy says to his wife: "Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I p**...!"
Wife: "So you step on the scale before you p**..., go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your p**...?
He: Oh, yeah, I guess you could also do it that way...
Son: Daddy, what is the difference between paranoia and schizophrenia?
Dad: Paranoia is when you go to the toilet, when your home alone, and lock the door behind you. And schizophrenia is when somebody knocks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've been taking care of my elderly grandfather and he asked me to come tie his shoes while he was on the toilet
I said, "you can't be serious"
He said, "I s**..., you knot"
A doctor's toilet gets clogged up
He calls a plumber. Plumber shows up, unclogs the toilet and gives the doctor bill for $200.
Doctor: $200? For 15 minutes worth of work? That's $800 an hour! I'm a top neurosurgeon in this city, 15 years of medical school, 3 years of residence, and even I don't make $800 an hour!
Plumber: Yeah. When I was a top surgeon in this city I also didn't make $800 an hour. Which is why I became a plumber.
Toilet brush
Whilst this is a joke, my nan actually told me this yesterday and insists it's a true story from the 60s when she lived in Cornwall...
So, my grandma was was walking down the street and her neighbour, let's call her Beverley, was heading towards her carrying her shopping but was walking kind of funny.
Naturally my Nan asked if everything was okay and if she's alright, had she hurt herself? No she said, I'm okay, I've just bought one of those new toilet brushes, but I think I'm going to switch back to paper
I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......
......... The Times are really Rough!!!
Relationships are like Indian food
They start out hot and spicy but end up with someone on the toilet crying and saying why me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I Think My Toilet Has Anger Issues
Whenever I flush it, it completely loses its s**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I once had to pretend that i was taking a s**..., so I dropped a bottle of soap in the toilet
It was a shampoo.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It was no wonder there was a toilet paper shortage.
Given the number of a**... in the country.
A girl was cleaning the toilet with her younger brother.
Then their mom walked in and yelled, "Get his head out of there!"
A guy's wife is stuck in a toilet.
He tries getting her out - nothing, she's still stuck, unable to get out. So guy calls the plumbing company to come to rescue. They say that they'll be there in half an hour. While waiting, the guy covers his wife's private parts with a sombrero, so she doesn't get embarrassed any further.
Half an hour later plumbers come, look at the situation and the more experienced looking one says "We'll get the lady out - no problem. As for the Mexican - I'm sorry, but we think he's beyond saving..."
Just had a stack of toilet rolls fall on me in the supermarket
I'm ok though, just soft tissue damage
