Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?
Yes, how can I help you?
Hi, This is little Billy's music teacher calling
Oh, hi
Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!
Really? Wow! That's..
Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet
The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."
The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"
You're either on a roll.....or you're taking shit from some asshole.
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are
sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If
you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you
are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."
That's Remarkable!
Terrible joke, came to me on the toilet early, but I had to say it. And it's also likely be told in some form before.
One gets pissed off!
(sorry!)
instead of the John.
It sounds much better when I say that I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. "Do you guys have golden toilets?" he asks.
"What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?"
"Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet."
Bartender says "OK, first, no we don't have golden toilets. Secondly, HEY MORTY, I FOUND THE GUY THAT PISSED IN YOUR TUBA!"
That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.
She asked, "If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?"
I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.
"Well" I said, "If he can get out of that, we'll call him Houdini".
Cops have nothing to go on
"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.
"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.
"Does it hurt?" she asked.
"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."
"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.
"No, I just stick a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts." I told her.
"But don't they just fall off?"
"No, sweetheart." I replied. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on."
The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."
The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"
"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"
An empty toilet paper roll.
Leave the plunger in the toilet
Never buying single ply toilet paper again.
No.1
No.2
He said it sounds better when he tell people he goes to the Jim everyday.
That's the last time I buy cheap toilet paper
I was in the wrong toilet
A woman who was sat opposite, looked at me in disgust and asked "Is that a fucking poo in your hand?"
Because the P is silent.
I thought to myself, "Same shit, different day"
it circles Uranus looking for Klingons
The first redneck says "My wife is so dumb, she bought a toilet, and we don't even got indoor plumbin." The second says "My wife is so dumb, she bought an air conditioner, and we don't got 'lectricity." Third says "That's nothin I was going through my wife's purse the other day, and I found a condom. she don't even got a penis!"
- Keep your back straight
- knees bent.
- Feet shoulder width apart.
- Form a loose Grip
- keep your head down
- avoid a quick backswing
- stay out of the water
- try not to hit anybody
- if you taking too long you should let others go ahead of you
- you shouldn't stand directly in front of others
- be quite when others are about to go
- keep strokes to a minimum
The clock turned to 12:00 and I thought to myself, "Same shit, different day."
The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that poop in your hand?!"
The toilet is clogged. My wife and I both insist we've only gone #1.
One of us is full of crap and the other one is full of crap.
The captain's log.
Stupid name for a hamster anyway...
You flush a bag of M&M's down the toilet.
I do it so I can say "I go to the Jim first thing every morning"
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Toilet? Well, here are the best Toilet dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Toilet pick up lines to share with friends.