Toilet Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

I got a phone call from my son's school today

Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?

Yes, how can I help you?

Hi, This is little Billy's music teacher calling

Oh, hi

Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!

Really? Wow! That's..

Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet

A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom

The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"

"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."

The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.

"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"

"What drugs?"

It's ironic that Pistorius will wake up this morning and there really will be a burglar using his toilet.

A wife texts her husband

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are
sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If
you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you
are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."

What did people say when the inventor of the Dry Erase Board showed off his new invention.

That's Remarkable!

Terrible joke, came to me on the toilet early, but I had to say it. And it's also likely be told in some form before.

I started calling my toilet the "Jim"...

instead of the John.

It sounds much better when I say that I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

I had a breakthrough today and got in touch with my inner self.

That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.

I just made love to my girlfriend

She asked, "If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?"

I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.

"Well" I said, "If he can get out of that, we'll call him Houdini".

The toilet at my local Police Station has been stolen.

Cops have nothing to go on

My six year old daughter was watching me shave this morning..

"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.

"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.

"Does it hurt?" she asked.

"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."

"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.

"No, I just stick a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts." I told her.

"But don't they just fall off?"

"No, sweetheart." I replied. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on."

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".

"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

What's four inches long, two inches wide, and drives women crazy?

An empty toilet paper roll.

How do you surprise a blind man?

Leave the plunger in the toilet

I got in touch with my inner self once...

Never buying single ply toilet paper again.

Two reasons I don't drink toilet water.

No.1
No.2

My friend started calling the toilet the Jim instead of the John

He said it sounds better when he tell people he goes to the Jim everyday.

Today i got in touch with my inner self

That's the last time I buy cheap toilet paper

About 14 women asked me out today

I was in the wrong toilet

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl when it goes to the toilet?

Because the P is silent.

Toilet paper is sort of like the Starship Enterprise

it circles Uranus looking for Klingons

Golf is like urinating in a public toilet

- Keep your back straight

- knees bent.

- Feet shoulder width apart.

- Form a loose Grip

- keep your head down

- avoid a quick backswing

- stay out of the water

- try not to hit anybody

- if you taking too long you should let others go ahead of you

- you shouldn't stand directly in front of others

- be quite when others are about to go

- keep strokes to a minimum

What did they find in the toilet in the star ship Enterprise?

The captain's log.

How do you watch NASCAR without a TV?

You flush a bag of M&M's down the toilet.

People wonder why I call my toilet "the Jim" instead of "the John"

I do it so I can say "I go to the Jim first thing every morning"

I was so poor growing up, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper…

Now those days are behind me…

I am 24 seconds older than my twin brother...

... whenever I come out of the toilet I start a sentence with "When I was your age...." then proceed telling him the details of my majestic creation.

A wife texted her husband

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!" The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."

Whats the worst thing you can do to a blind man?

Leave the plunger in the toilet

I bought a toilet brush since I saw one in pretty much everyone's bathroom...

but after giving it a try for a week I decided to go back to using toilet paper.

A father is teaching his boy how to pee in the toilet.

"OK son", he says. It's as easy as counting to 5.

1. Pull down your pants.
2. Pull back your foreskin.
3. Pee in the toilet.
4. Put your foreskin back.
5. Pull up your pants.

From then on, every time the boy goes to the toilet, he counts from 1 to 5. One day, the father noticed his son was taking quite some time in the toilet. He went to check on him and overheard his son saying "2,4,2,4,2,4,2,4".

How do you make a blind person scream?

Leave the plunger in the toilet.

I decided to rename my toilet from "The John" to "The Jim."

I feel much better saying I've been to "The Jim" this morning.

Two men are standing in line in Russia

One says to the other "What is this line for?"

"Toilet paper" his friend replies.

"I'm SICK of these endless lines just to get the basic needs of life! ", he says. "I'm going to go kill Putin."

He leaves, but comes back within a couple of hours. His friend is still standing in line for toilet paper. "Why are you back?", he asks. "Did you kill Putin?"

"No", the man replies, "The line for that was longer than this one!"

Annoying husband

Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife says: I clean the toilet...
Husband says: How does that help?
Wife says: I use your Toothbrush.....

Did you hear about the robbers who broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats?

It happened last week and the cops still don't have anything to go on.

I had a breakthrough and got in touch with my inner self.

That's the last time I buy single ply toilet paper.

I really got in touch with my inner self today.

I should probably start buying thicker toilet paper.

I got in touch with my inner self today.

Note to self, never get the 1 ply toilet paper again.

Someone broke into the local police station and stole the toilet.

Right now the cops have nothing to go on.

A beta tester walks into a bar

A beta tester runs into a bar

A beta tester crawls into a bar

A beta tester moonwalks into a bar

A beta tester jumps into a bar

A beta tester sneaks into a bar

A beta tester orders 1 beer

A beta tester orders 2 beers

A beta tester orders 0 beers

A beta tester orders 999999999 beers

A beta tester orders -1 beers

A beta tester orders qwertyuip beers

A beta tester orders a lizard in a cup

A regular user walks into the bar and asks if he can use their toilet

The bar erupts into flames and burns to the ground.

My daughter's boyfriend came round.

"Don't even think about having sex with her," I told him, while she was in the toilet.

"OK, sir. I understand," he panicked.

"Good," I replied, "I wouldn't want you to be as disappointed as I was."

What's the worst trick you can do to your blind brother?

Leave the plunger in the toilet

I forgot my phone when I went to the toilet this morning.

We have 368 tiles.

I have electrified a clickbait journalist's toilet.

Number 2 will shock them.

A warm toilet seat is just like a prostitute...

It feels good, but you know someone was just there.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the toilet?

Because the pee is silent.

With thanks to my seven year old son.

Why do Buddhists always buy 1 ply toilet paper?

Because they like to get in touch with their inner self.

Do you know what the difference is between toilet paper and a shower curtain?

Oh. So it's you then.

What does the president of Russia call his toilet?

Vladimir's Poo Tin

I renamed my toilet form John to Jim the other day-

-that way, I can tell people that I wake up and go to the Jim every morning.

Several toilets were stolen last night.

Police say they have nothing to go on.

I just bought an ABBA toilet.

What a loo!

A drunk enters...

...a confessional booth. The priest is waiting for the sinner to speak up, but the drunk doesn't say a word. After a while the priest coughs... nothing... he coughs again... nothing. The priest was patient until now, but enough is enough: he starts banging on the wooden grid. The drunk finally speaks up:

"You're knocking to no avail, buddy... there ain't any toilet paper here either..."

Frenchman in a hotel.

A french man calls the room service and asks for some "pepper".

"Well ... would you like some white pepper or black pepper?" asks the receptionist.

"Toilet pepper."

My Grandpa said, " Your generation relies too much on technology. I'm doing you a favor" as he tossed my phone into the toilet.

I laughed, and replied "No Grandpa, but yours does," as I unplugged his life support.

What's in the toilet of the Starship Enterprise?

The Captain's log

What's the difference between a toilet and a graveyard?

Nothing. When you have to go, you have to go.

What did Euler find in his toilet?

A natural log

What's the quickest way to get in touch with your inner self?

Single-ply toilet paper

If you see a toilet in your dream, do not use it.

It's a trap.

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To reach the bottom.
As told by my 5 y/o cousin.

How will we truly reach gender equality?

By leaving the toilet seat at a 45 degree angle for the next person to decide without bias.

The FBI Arrested me Once for Masturbating on a Airplane Toilet

They accused me of High Jacking

I got in touch with my inner self this morning.

That's the last time I'm buying the cheap toilet paper.

I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking.

It was so disgusting I nearly couldn't finish my sandwich.

Wife on Valentine's day...

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!

The husband, typically unromantic, replied,


"I am in the toilet. Please advise.."

The toilet brush

A man walks into a store looking for a toilet brush. The store owner shows him a variety of brushes at various pricepoints. The man thinks for a little while, then buys the cheapest one.

The next day the man is back at the store. "Were you unhappy with your purchase?" asks the shopkeeper. "We have other models that might work better."

The man agrees and buys a little more expensive one.

The next day the man is back yet again. The shopkeeper, visually puzzled on how a toilet brush can be such a big deal, asks "What's the matter, didn't like the new one either?"

"Well" replies the man. "To be honest it *was* pretty effective. But I gotta say, I prefer toilet paper!"

Do you know how to cook toilet paper?

No, but I do know how to brown it on one side.

What are the funniest toilet jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Toilet? Well, here are the best Toilet puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Toilet pick up lines to share with friends.

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