The Best 76 Toilet Jokes

Following is our collection of Toilet jokes which are very funny. There are some toilet outhouse jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these toilet bathtub puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

I got a phone call from my son's school today

Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?

Yes, how can I help you?

Hi, This is little Billy's music teacher calling

Oh, hi

Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!

Really? Wow! That's..

Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl when it goes to the toilet?

Because the P is silent.

The toilet at my local Police Station has been stolen.

Cops have nothing to go on

What did people say when the inventor of the Dry Erase Board showed off his new invention.

That's Remarkable!

Terrible joke, came to me on the toilet early, but I had to say it. And it's also likely be told in some form before.

Frenchman in a hotel.

A french man calls the room service and asks for some "pepper".

"Well ... would you like some white pepper or black pepper?" asks the receptionist.

"Toilet pepper."


What did Euler find in his toilet?

A natural log

A wife texts her husband

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are
sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If
you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you
are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."

I renamed my toilet form John to Jim the other day-

-that way, I can tell people that I wake up and go to the Jim every morning.

Someone broke into the local police station and stole the toilet.

Right now the cops have nothing to go on.

Do you know what the difference is between toilet paper and a shower curtain?

Oh. So it's you then.

It's ironic that Pistorius will wake up this morning and there really will be a burglar using his toilet.

Top Toilet Puns and Funny Jokes

You can explore toilet rim reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean toilet bathroom dad jokes. There are also toilet puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


What does the president of Russia call his toilet?

Vladimir's Poo Tin

What did they find in the toilet in the star ship Enterprise?

The captain's log.

Why do Buddhists always buy 1 ply toilet paper?

Because they like to get in touch with their inner self.

Several toilets were stolen last night.

Police say they have nothing to go on.

Annoying husband

Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife says: I clean the toilet...
Husband says: How does that help?
Wife says: I use your Toothbrush.....

A drunk enters...

...a confessional booth. The priest is waiting for the sinner to speak up, but the drunk doesn't say a word. After a while the priest coughs... nothing... he coughs again... nothing. The priest was patient until now, but enough is enough: he starts banging on the wooden grid. The drunk finally speaks up:

"You're knocking to no avail, buddy... there ain't any toilet paper here either..."

My daughter's boyfriend came round.

"Don't even think about having sex with her," I told him, while she was in the toilet.

"OK, sir. I understand," he panicked.

"Good," I replied, "I wouldn't want you to be as disappointed as I was."

My friend started calling the toilet the Jim instead of the John

He said it sounds better when he tell people he goes to the Jim everyday.


A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom

The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"

"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."

The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.

"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"

"What drugs?"

I have electrified a clickbait journalist's toilet.

Number 2 will shock them.

People wonder why I call my toilet "the Jim" instead of "the John"

I do it so I can say "I go to the Jim first thing every morning"

Whats the worst thing you can do to a blind man?

Leave the plunger in the toilet

How do you make a blind person scream?

Leave the plunger in the toilet.

I am 24 seconds older than my twin brother...

... whenever I come out of the toilet I start a sentence with "When I was your age...." then proceed telling him the details of my majestic creation.

I got in touch with my inner self once...

Never buying single ply toilet paper again.

Golf is like urinating in a public toilet

- Keep your back straight

- knees bent.

- Feet shoulder width apart.

- Form a loose Grip

- keep your head down

- avoid a quick backswing

- stay out of the water

- try not to hit anybody

- if you taking too long you should let others go ahead of you

- you shouldn't stand directly in front of others

- be quite when others are about to go

- keep strokes to a minimum

What's the difference between a toilet and a graveyard?

Nothing. When you have to go, you have to go.

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".

"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

What's the worst trick you can do to your blind brother?

Leave the plunger in the toilet

My six year old daughter was watching me shave this morning..

"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.

"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.

"Does it hurt?" she asked.

"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."

"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.

"No, I just stick a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts." I told her.

"But don't they just fall off?"

"No, sweetheart." I replied. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on."

I was so poor growing up, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper…

Now those days are behind me…

I decided to rename my toilet from "The John" to "The Jim."

I feel much better saying I've been to "The Jim" this morning.

My Grandpa said, " Your generation relies too much on technology. I'm doing you a favor" as he tossed my phone into the toilet.

I laughed, and replied "No Grandpa, but yours does," as I unplugged his life support.

What's four inches long, two inches wide, and drives women crazy?

An empty toilet paper roll.

Toilet paper is sort of like the Starship Enterprise

it circles Uranus looking for Klingons

What's in the toilet of the Starship Enterprise?

The Captain's log

How do you watch NASCAR without a TV?

You flush a bag of M&M's down the toilet.

I had a breakthrough today and got in touch with my inner self.

That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.

A father is teaching his boy how to pee in the toilet.

"OK son", he says. It's as easy as counting to 5.

1. Pull down your pants.
2. Pull back your foreskin.
3. Pee in the toilet.
4. Put your foreskin back.
5. Pull up your pants.

From then on, every time the boy goes to the toilet, he counts from 1 to 5. One day, the father noticed his son was taking quite some time in the toilet. He went to check on him and overheard his son saying "2,4,2,4,2,4,2,4".

Two reasons I don't drink toilet water.

No.1
No.2

Did you hear about the robbers who broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats?

It happened last week and the cops still don't have anything to go on.

I started calling my toilet the "Jim"...

instead of the John.

It sounds much better when I say that I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

A warm toilet seat is just like a prostitute...

It feels good, but you know someone was just there.

I just made love to my girlfriend

She asked, "If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?"

I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.

"Well" I said, "If he can get out of that, we'll call him Houdini".

I got in touch with my inner self today.

Note to self, never get the 1 ply toilet paper again.

I just bought an ABBA toilet.

What a loo!

How do you surprise a blind man?

Leave the plunger in the toilet

About 14 women asked me out today

I was in the wrong toilet

Two men are standing in line in Russia

One says to the other "What is this line for?"

"Toilet paper" his friend replies.

"I'm SICK of these endless lines just to get the basic needs of life! ", he says. "I'm going to go kill Putin."

He leaves, but comes back within a couple of hours. His friend is still standing in line for toilet paper. "Why are you back?", he asks. "Did you kill Putin?"

"No", the man replies, "The line for that was longer than this one!"

I forgot my phone when I went to the toilet this morning.

We have 368 tiles.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the toilet?

Because the pee is silent.

With thanks to my seven year old son.

I really got in touch with my inner self today.

I should probably start buying thicker toilet paper.

I bought a toilet brush since I saw one in pretty much everyone's bathroom...

but after giving it a try for a week I decided to go back to using toilet paper.

A beta tester walks into a bar

A beta tester runs into a bar

A beta tester crawls into a bar

A beta tester moonwalks into a bar

A beta tester jumps into a bar

A beta tester sneaks into a bar

A beta tester orders 1 beer

A beta tester orders 2 beers

A beta tester orders 0 beers

A beta tester orders 999999999 beers

A beta tester orders -1 beers

A beta tester orders qwertyuip beers

A beta tester orders a lizard in a cup

A regular user walks into the bar and asks if he can use their toilet

The bar erupts into flames and burns to the ground.

I've run out of toilet paper and started to use old newspapers instead.

The Times are rough

My grandpa was telling me about when he used to hunt tigers.

He said, "this one time I was alone in the jungle when out of the bushes, right in front of me, a huge tiger leaped out suddenly and went RRROOOOAAAAAARRRRR!!!!!!! Kid, you won't believe it, I shat myself."

I raised my eyebrows. "You bet I believe it, I'd have shat myself too if that happened to me."

"That's not what I mean goddamnit, go fetch me some toilet paper."

It was revealing when Americans bought toilet paper at the start of the COVID-19 Crisis

It goes to show in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, The Average American only cares about his own ass.

My 3 year old daughter asked

My 3 year old daughter asked: Where does poo come from?

I decided it was best to explain it at a level she would understand so I said: You just had breakfast?

Yes , she replied.

Well, the food goes in your mouth down into your tummy. Our body takes all the good stuff it needs out of the food and then what's left goes down to your bottom and when you go to the toilet that comes out as poo.

She looked confused and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds. Then asked: And Tigger?

A black man get lost in a desert and finds a genie's lamp.

The genie tells him he has 3 wishes and can be granted anything but more wishes. The man ponders for a while and says " ok I got it" . " firstly I wish to never run out of water, second I wish to be white, and third of all I wish I got a lot of ass". The genie tell him " this I can do" and grants all three of the mans wishes at once . he then tells the man "you are now white, will never run out of water, and will get tons of ass everyday. I've turned you into a toilet"

Scientists claim its impossible to fold a piece of paper 8 times.

They have obviously never seen me wiping my ass when there is only one sheet of toilet paper left.

A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub

The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren't mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"

The cop, obviously in disbelief, tells the woman, "Show me."

So the woman tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the woman's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.

"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"

"What drugs?"

A wife sent a romantic text to her husband one day. It read, If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, sent me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband replied, I am on the toilet. Please advise.

A guy says to his wife: "Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I poop!"

Wife: "So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?

He: Oh, yeah, I guess you could also do it that way...

What does the USS Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?

They both circle Uranus in search of Klingons.

Son: Daddy, what is the difference between paranoia and schizophrenia?

Dad: Paranoia is when you go to the toilet, when your home alone, and lock the door behind you. And schizophrenia is when somebody knocks.

A wife sent her husband a romantic text message…

Β She wrote: If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you. Her husband texted back: I'm on the toilet, please advise.

I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......

......... The Times are really Rough!!!

Two six-year-old boys are standing in the toilet having a pee.

Two six-year-old boys are standing in the toilet having a pee. One turns to the other and says, Your dinky doesn't have any skin on it. That's because I've been circumcised, he replies. Cor! What does that mean?
It means the skin's been cut off the end. How old were you when they did that? About two days old. Did it hurt? It sure did. I didn't walk for a year.

Why do Bakers need a separate toilet?

For when they knead a poo

What does star trek and toilet paper have in common

They both circle Uranus looking for klingons

I heard a man died on the toilet after eating 2 dumbbells

Thats some heavy shit (sorry)

A poem

In days of old

When Knights were bold

And toilet lights were dim

You'd hear a splash and then a shout

'Oh no! He's fallen in'

I was at the toilet at 11:59 p.m. yesterday, and the clock struck midnight.

I thought, Same shit. Different year.

Why is there no toilet paper at KFC?

Cause its finger licking good.

Why have they started putting pictures of politicians inside toilet bowls?

So the assholes can see who they voted for.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the toilet clog jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working toilet lavatory piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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