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Toilet Jokes

165 toilet jokes and hilarious toilet puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about toilet that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Looking for some hilarious toilet jokes? Then you've come to the right place! This article is full of funny toilet jokes that will have you laughing out loud. So go ahead and take a break from your busy day and enjoy a good laugh.

Best Short Toilet Jokes

Short toilet jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The toilet humour may include short restroom jokes also.

  1. When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat Is a warm toilet seat
  2. It's ironic that Pistorius will wake up this morning and there really will be a burglar using his toilet.
  3. How do you make your wife scream after s**...? Wipe your d**... on the curtain.
  4. From my 7yo Nephew, Why should you always bring toilet paper to gatherings? For all the party poopers!
  5. I started calling my toilet the "Jim"... instead of the John.
    It sounds much better when I say that I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
  6. I had a breakthrough today and got in touch with my inner self. That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.
  7. What's four inches long, two inches wide, and drives women crazy? An empty toilet paper roll.
  8. My friend started calling the toilet the Jim instead of the John He said it sounds better when he tell people he goes to the Jim everyday.
  9. Toilet paper is sort of like the Starship Enterprise it circles uranus looking for Klingons
  10. Wife and I fight over the right way to hang the toilet paper. So our therapist suggested we try the other person's way for a week.
    You know, roll reversal.

Quick Jump To


Toilet joke, Wife and I fight over the right way to hang the toilet paper.


Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about toilet can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of toilet puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

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Toilet One Liners

Which toilet one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with toilet? I can suggest the ones about washroom and bathroom.

  1. I used to clean the toilets when I was in the army They called me loo tenant
  2. The toilet at my local police station has been stolen. Cops have nothing to go on
  3. How do you surprise a blind man? Leave the plunger in the toilet
  4. I got in touch with my inner self once... Never buying single ply toilet paper again.
  5. Two reasons I don't drink toilet water. No.1
    No.2
  6. About 14 women asked me out today I was in the wrong toilet
  7. Why can't you hear a pterodactyl when it goes to the toilet? Because the P is silent.
  8. What did they find in the toilet in the star ship Enterprise? The captain's log.
  9. I feel very strongly about graffiti in toilet cubicles So I have signed a partition
  10. How do you watch nascar without a TV? You flush a bag of M&M's down the toilet.
  11. Somebody stole all the toilets in the police station The cops have nothing to go on
  12. When does Q come before P? When there's a line for the toilet.
  13. Whats the worst thing you can do to a blind man? Leave the plunger in the toilet
  14. How do you make a blind person scream? Leave the plunger in the toilet.
  15. What does a non-binary person do on the toilet? They/She/It

Toilet Paper Jokes

Here is a list of funny toilet paper jokes and even better toilet paper puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I was so poor growing up, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper… Now those days are behind me…
  • I've run out of toilet paper and started to use old newspaper instead. The Times are rough
  • I bought a toilet brush since I saw one in pretty much everyone's bathroom... but after giving it a try for a week I decided to go back to using toilet paper.
  • I think I really connected with my inner self today… That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.
  • I ran out of toilet paper so I started using old newspapers The Times are rough
  • I really got in touch with my inner self today. I should probably start buying thicker toilet paper.
  • I got in touch with my inner self today. Note to self, never get the 1 ply toilet paper again.
  • What does the USS Enterprise and toilet paper have in common? They both circle Uranus in search of Klingons.
  • A woman tells her friend: "Hey, yesterday I bought a toilet brush". Her friend replied: "Alright, so?"
    Her: Well I think its great invention, but I'd much rather use toilet paper.
  • I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger where the toilet paper was He said Aisle B, back.

Toilet Flush Jokes

Here is a list of funny toilet flush jokes and even better toilet flush puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I suspect that my son has been flushing his blunts down the toilet. No wonder my water bill is so high.
  • Why does Marx's toilet play a sonata when flushed? Because of the violins inherent in the cistern.
  • In Holland you aren't allowed to flush children down the toilet. Too many clogs.
  • Sir John Harrington, inventor of the modern flush toilet is well remembered for two reasons: Number 1 and Number 2
  • I complimented the toilet. It flushed.
  • Mum, can I lick the bowl? No! Flush the toilet like everyone else.
  • I got so mad at these uncomfortable wooden shoes that I tried to flush them down the toilet. Worst clog ever.
  • New bathroom I was shopping for a new bathroom this week, and was shown an amazing toilet that plays ABBA songs when you flush it.
    What a loo.
  • Why does Karl Marx's toilet play music every time you flush it? Because of the violins inherent in the cistern.
  • Did you hear about the prince who plays poker on the toilet? He always has a royal flush

Toilet Seat Jokes

Here is a list of funny toilet seat jokes and even better toilet seat puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Did you hear about the robbers who broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats? It happened last week and the cops still don't have anything to go on.
  • How will we truly reach gender equality? By leaving the toilet seat at a 45 degree angle for the next person to decide without bias.
  • What's comforting and scary at the same time? A warm toilet seat.
  • Someone stole all the toilet seats at the station! Authorities have nothing to go on.
  • Wanted: A man has been stealing toilet seats from all the police precincts. Currently the police have nothing to go on
  • Get AIDS from a toilet seat A patient says, Doctor, can I get AIDS from a toilet seat?
    The doctor replies, Yes, but only by sitting down before the last guy gets up.
  • My girlfriend told me to go put the toilet seat down... So I walked in the bathroom, looked at the toilet seat and yelled "you're worthless and no one likes you!"
  • The police station was burglarized. The burglars stole the toilet seat. Police have nothing to go on.
  • My wife left me because I never put the toilet seat down. To be fair, I don't know why I started carrying it around with me in the first place.
  • I stole a toilet seat from a police station once, and they never figured out it was me. They had nothing to go on.

Flush Toilet Jokes

Here is a list of funny flush toilet jokes and even better flush toilet puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What do you call a king on the toilet? A royal flush
  • What happens when the Queen is done visiting the toilet? A Royal Flush.
  • My wife got mad at me for buying $10,000 worth of toilet paper. She said i was flushing all of our money down the drain.
  • My wife told me I have a bad temper, so I flushed a GPS tracker down the toilet. That way I'd never lose my sh*t again.
  • Why did the janitor flush the toilet? Because it was his duty.
  • Why does Drax avoid automatically flushing toilets? They flush early when he stands still.
  • What did one toilet say to the other? You look flushed
  • My girlfriend left stains on the toilet bowl. I thought she'd be easier to flush than that.
  • What happens when the king uses a toilet? He gives it a royal flush
  • If you ever see an baby owl in a toilet don't flush... Because you aren't supposed to flush moist owelettes.

Toilet Humour Jokes

Here is a list of funny toilet humour jokes and even better toilet humour puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Toilet humour... That U-bend behind the toilet.....i just can`t get my head around that..
  • I wanted to bring back toilet humour... ...So I set out to write a new f**... joke. I decided not to share it because it was too long winded.
  • Toilet humour While on vacation in France I drank a lot of wine.
    To the point that my u**... turned black.
    I talked to a doctor, and told him,
    I pee now noir.
Toilet joke, Toilet humour

Toilet Jokes to Giggle and Enjoy A Night of Unforgettable Laughter

What funny jokes about toilet you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean bidet jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make toilet prank.

I got a phone call from my son's school today

Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?
Yes, how can I help you?
Hi, This is little Billy's music teacher calling
Oh, hi
Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!
Really? Wow! That's..
Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet

Why does the Pakistani prefer the toilet over making love to his wife ?

The hole is tighter, and the smell is better.

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To reach the bottom.
As told by my 5 y/o cousin.

What did people say when the inventor of the Dry Erase Board showed off his new invention.

That's Remarkable!
Terrible joke, came to me on the toilet early, but I had to say it. And it's also likely be told in some form before.

Frenchman in a hotel.

A french man calls the room service and asks for some "pepper".
"Well ... would you like some white pepper or black pepper?" asks the receptionist.
"Toilet pepper."

What did Euler find in his toilet?

A natural log

A wife texts her husband

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are
sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If
you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you
are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."

I renamed my toilet form John to Jim the other day-

-that way, I can tell people that I wake up and go to the Jim every morning.

Someone broke into the local police station and stole the toilet.

Right now the cops have nothing to go on.

Do you know what the difference is between toilet paper and a shower curtain?

Oh. So it's you then.

What does the president of Russia call his toilet?

Vladimir's p**... Tin

Why do Buddhists always buy 1 ply toilet paper?

Because they like to get in touch with their inner self.

Several toilets were stolen last night.

Police say they have nothing to go on.

Annoying husband

Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife says: I clean the toilet...
Husband says: How does that help?
Wife says: I use your Toothbrush.....

A drunk enters...

...a confessional booth. The priest is waiting for the sinner to speak up, but the drunk doesn't say a word. After a while the priest coughs... nothing... he coughs again... nothing. The priest was patient until now, but enough is enough: he starts b**... on the wooden grid. The drunk finally speaks up:
"You're knocking to no avail, buddy... there ain't any toilet paper here either..."

My daughter's boyfriend came round.

"Don't even think about having s**... with her," I told him, while she was in the toilet.
"OK, sir. I understand," he panicked.
"Good," I replied, "I wouldn't want you to be as disappointed as I was."

A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom

The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."
The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"

I have electrified a clickbait journalist's toilet.

Number 2 will shock them.

People wonder why I call my toilet "the Jim" instead of "the John"

I do it so I can say "I go to the Jim first thing every morning"

I am 24 seconds older than my twin brother...

... whenever I come out of the toilet I start a sentence with "When I was your age...." then proceed telling him the details of my majestic creation.

Golf is like urinating in a public toilet

- Keep your back straight
- knees bent.
- Feet shoulder width apart.
- Form a loose Grip
- keep your head down
- avoid a quick backswing
- stay out of the water
- try not to hit anybody
- if you taking too long you should let others go ahead of you
- you shouldn't stand directly in front of others
- be quite when others are about to go
- keep strokes to a minimum

What's the difference between a toilet and a graveyard?

Nothing. When you have to go, you have to go.

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".

"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

What's the worst trick you can do to your blind brother?

Leave the plunger in the toilet

My six year old daughter was watching me shave this morning..

"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.
"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.
"Does it hurt?" she asked.
"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."
"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.
"No, I just stick a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts." I told her.
"But don't they just fall off?"
"No, sweetheart." I replied. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on."

I decided to rename my toilet from "The John" to "The Jim."

I feel much better saying I've been to "The Jim" this morning.

My Grandpa said, " Your generation relies too much on technology. I'm doing you a favor" as he tossed my phone into the toilet.

I laughed, and replied "No Grandpa, but yours does," as I unplugged his life support.

What's in the toilet of the Starship Enterprise?

The Captain's log

A father is teaching his boy how to pee in the toilet.

"OK son", he says. It's as easy as counting to 5.
1. Pull down your pants.
2. Pull back your f**....
3. Pee in the toilet.
4. Put your f**... back.
5. Pull up your pants.
From then on, every time the boy goes to the toilet, he counts from 1 to 5. One day, the father noticed his son was taking quite some time in the toilet. He went to check on him and overheard his son saying "2,4,2,4,2,4,2,4".

A warm toilet seat is just like a p**......

It feels good, but you know someone was just there.

I just made love to my girlfriend

She asked, "If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?"
I took off my c**..., tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.
"Well" I said, "If he can get out of that, we'll call him Houdini".

I just bought an ABBA toilet.

What a loo!

Two men are standing in line in Russia

One says to the other "What is this line for?"
"Toilet paper" his friend replies.
"I'm SICK of these endless lines just to get the basic needs of life! ", he says. "I'm going to go kill Putin."
He leaves, but comes back within a couple of hours. His friend is still standing in line for toilet paper. "Why are you back?", he asks. "Did you kill Putin?"
"No", the man replies, "The line for that was longer than this one!"

I forgot my phone when I went to the toilet this morning.

We have 368 tiles.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the toilet?

Because the pee is silent.
With thanks to my seven year old son.

A beta tester walks into a bar

A beta tester runs into a bar
A beta tester crawls into a bar
A beta tester moonwalks into a bar
A beta tester jumps into a bar
A beta tester sneaks into a bar
A beta tester orders 1 beer
A beta tester orders 2 beers
A beta tester orders 0 beers
A beta tester orders 999999999 beers
A beta tester orders -1 beers
A beta tester orders qwertyuip beers
A beta tester orders a lizard in a cup
A regular user walks into the bar and asks if he can use their toilet
The bar erupts into flames and burns to the ground.

My grandpa was telling me about when he used to hunt tigers.

He said, "this one time I was alone in the jungle when out of the bushes, right in front of me, a huge tiger leaped out suddenly and went RRROOOOAAAAAARRRRR!!!!!!! Kid, you won't believe it, I s**... myself."
I raised my eyebrows. "You bet I believe it, I'd have s**... myself too if that happened to me."
"That's not what I mean g**..., go fetch me some toilet paper."

It was revealing when Americans bought toilet paper at the start of the COVID-19 Crisis

It goes to show in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, The Average American only cares about his own a**....

My 3 year old daughter asked

My 3 year old daughter asked: Where does p**... come from?
I decided it was best to explain it at a level she would understand so I said: You just had breakfast?
Yes , she replied.
Well, the food goes in your mouth down into your tummy. Our body takes all the good stuff it needs out of the food and then what's left goes down to your bottom and when you go to the toilet that comes out as p**....
She looked confused and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds. Then asked: And Tigger?

A black man get lost in a desert and finds a genie's lamp.

The genie tells him he has 3 wishes and can be granted anything but more wishes. The man ponders for a while and says " ok I got it" . " firstly I wish to never run out of water, second I wish to be white, and third of all I wish I got a lot of a**...". The genie tell him " this I can do" and grants all three of the mans wishes at once . he then tells the man "you are now white, will never run out of water, and will get tons of a**... everyday. I've turned you into a toilet"

Scientists claim its impossible to fold a piece of paper 8 times.

They have obviously never seen me wiping my a**... when there is only one sheet of toilet paper left.

A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub

The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren't mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"
The cop, obviously in disbelief, tells the woman, "Show me."
So the woman tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the woman's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"

I was sitting on the toilet, angry and late for work.

I was thinking, " I don't have time for this s**...!".

A wife sent a romantic text to her husband one day. It read, If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, sent me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband replied, I am on the toilet. Please advise.

A guy says to his wife: "Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I p**...!"

Wife: "So you step on the scale before you p**..., go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your p**...?
He: Oh, yeah, I guess you could also do it that way...

Son: Daddy, what is the difference between paranoia and schizophrenia?

Dad: Paranoia is when you go to the toilet, when your home alone, and lock the door behind you. And schizophrenia is when somebody knocks.

A wife sent her husband a romantic text message…

 She wrote: If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you. Her husband texted back: I'm on the toilet, please advise.

I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......

......... The Times are really Rough!!!

Relationships are like Indian food

They start out hot and spicy but end up with someone on the toilet crying and saying why me.

I Think My Toilet Has Anger Issues

Whenever I flush it, it completely loses its s**....

I once had to pretend that i was taking a s**..., so I dropped a bottle of soap in the toilet

It was a shampoo.

A man got arrested for having drugs in his pocket.

"Officer," he said, "I can explain."
-How? -the officer replied.
"Every time I throw those drugs in the toilet, they magicaly reappear in my pocket."
-Don't lie to me. -says the officer.
"Let me show you then."
So the officer allows him to show it. A man takes out drugs, throw it in the toilet and fushes the water.
-Let me see your pocket now. -says the officer.
"My pockets?"
-Yes, to see those drugs.
"What drugs?"

It was no wonder there was a toilet paper shortage.

Given the number of a**... in the country.

The toilet was stolen from the police station.

The cops have nothing to go on.

A girl was cleaning the toilet with her younger brother.

Then their mom walked in and yelled, "Get his head out of there!"

A guy's wife is stuck in a toilet.

He tries getting her out - nothing, she's still stuck, unable to get out. So guy calls the plumbing company to come to rescue. They say that they'll be there in half an hour. While waiting, the guy covers his wife's private parts with a sombrero, so she doesn't get embarrassed any further.
Half an hour later plumbers come, look at the situation and the more experienced looking one says "We'll get the lady out - no problem. As for the Mexican - I'm sorry, but we think he's beyond saving..."

Toilet joke, A guy's wife is stuck in a toilet.

jokes about toilet

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these toilet jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.