Toddler Jokes
80 toddler jokes and hilarious toddler puns to laugh out loud. Read age jokes about toddler that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover hilarious, age-appropriate jokes for toddlers that are perfect for Halloween, April Fools, Christmas, Animal, Dinosaur, Poop, Kid, and Easter. Browse through a treasure trove of infant laughter and Congolese infancy.
Funniest Toddler Short Jokes
Short toddler jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The toddler humour may include short infant jokes also.
- How is a toddler like a cell phone? If you can't find it in three days it's probably dead.
- My wife said we needed to childproof our upright piano, so it wouldn't fall over on our toddler... ... I said that was a good idea, because I wouldn't want a flat minor.
- Anti-Vaxx parents hate it when you call their toddler's outbursts a "temper tantrum." They prefer the term "mid-life crisis"
- A toddler was recently hospitalized after swallowing several plastic horses Doctors now describe his condition as stable.
- LPT: If you've got toddlers at home, and you're going to take them out... You can probably get away with using a light sedative. Save chloroform for children 12 and older.
- How do you deal with a toddler throwing a tantrum? Tell him to wait until the vote count is finished
- Was offered a bowl of dinosaurs to eat from my toddler. "No thanks! I'm allergic to dinosaurs, they make me break out in Dino sores"
Audible groan and required "I hate you" from their babysitter. - What do toddlers and paleontologists have in common ? They both want to know your top 5 favorite dinosaurs
- What's the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling? One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler.
- My toddler tried out and age aproporiate pickup line "Hey baby, you've got some fiiiiiiine motor skills."
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Toddler One Liners
Which toddler one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with toddler? I can suggest the ones about little kid and young kid.
- Police were called to a day care Toddler was resisting a rest.
- Which branch of the military accepts toddlers? The infantry.
- What's fast and can breathe underwater? Not a toddler, I can tell you that
- Did you here about the old guy who gave toddlers dynamite? He was a Baby Boomer!
- I've started a diet where I only eat my toddlers' leftover food. I've gained 10 pounds
- A gorilla walks into a bar and says "I'd like a toddler on the rocks, please"
- What does a toddler and a gardener have in common? They both wet the bed.
- How many toddlers does it take to paint a garage? One of you throw it hard enough.
- Why are more toddlers not in jail? When it's nap time, so many resist a rest.
- Why did the toddler cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
- I bought my toddler a plastic "Iron Throne". I paid the Fisher-Price.
- What do you call an alarm clock that doesn't have a snooze button? A toddler
- Playing with a toddler is half play and half self-defense.
- What is it called when your toddler spits out everything you make for him? Feedback
- What does a toddler get drunk off of? Jack Danimals!
Toddler Kid Jokes
Here is a list of funny toddler kid jokes and even better toddler kid puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why do kissing scenes in nearly every show have to use the soundtrack from a toddler slurping jello off of a plastic plate?
- I've never played the bagpipes but I have carried a screaming three-year-old toddler over my shoulder.
- I would hug you, but I would rather wait until I'm covered in syrup. And until you have nicer clothes on.
-Toddlers
Delightful Fun Toddler Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about toddler you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean newborn jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make toddler pranks.
What do a 14 year old and an open bucket of bleach have in common?
For twenty bucks either'll take care of your toddler.
-&y (yup, mine)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So heres one.
So a teenager walks into a store in the mall to buy a hat. He asks for what size he should get. The store manager tells him most of the hats are one size fits all. Just then a screaming toddler walks in followed by a young girl. The boy looks at them, turns to the store manager and says "that's what they said about the c**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's three feet tall and can't turn around in a hallway?
A toddler with a harpoon in it's t**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When toddlers get n**... and run around giggling, it's "cute" and "funny"
...but when I do it, I'm "drunk" and "not allowed back in Target"
My toddler refused to get her PJs on because she was watching The Iron Lady, a biopic about Margaret Thatcher, along with our family.
I said, "Looks like we have a minor strike on our hands."
(A triple ententre for the win.)
Why couldn't the infant insect without toes drink milk?
He was lack toes and toddler ant
What did the toddler say to the 900 lb gorilla?
"Got a death wish?"
what do a toddler and a case of new pencils have in common?
They are both pointless.
What's the difference between a paddling pool and a toddler?
The pool doesn't scream when you go in dry.
I have an Idea!
"I have an idea" says my toddler.
Me: what's your idea?
Her: a quesadilla! (Ques-idea)
Her first pun at age 2, I'm so proud!
What breaks every time you give it to a toddler?
Their pelvis.
Wants to be boss of the world. Has absolutely no experience to be able to do that. Constantly yells things without knowing what they mean. Has had servants all his life. Wants nothing other than control and attention.
My toddler is driving me CRAZY!
5% of toddlers are overweight
and they're called waddlers"
What the difference between a toddler and a bag of coke?
Eric Clapton would never let a bag of coke fall out the window #TearsInHeaven
What's The difference between a politician on a bicycle and a toddler on a tricycle?
A wheel
"Dude, I lost all of my money betting on a fight between a midget and a toddler."
"That's terrible!"
"I know right? I"m disappointed in my son."
My toddler has now reached the age where she has cute nicknames for me and my wife.
Now we're mama and AUGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
When I was a toddler, my Italian mother caught me in her study.
I'd gotten into a drawer full of Greek plays. She walked in to catch me tearing Hippolytus in half. I'd done the same to others as well. The Bacchae, Heracles, Madea. As I stood there, happily shredding what had to be a 120 year old text, she began flailing and screaming.
"My a-beautiful boy, why? Why-a Euripides?"
A mother notices her toddler typing on the keyboard
She tells her older child, Hey look at your little brother type on the keyboard just like daddy!
Her daughter replies, No mommy, he types like you. Daddy uses one hand.
My son was born without any lower phalanges.
Diagnosis: Lack toes in toddler.
At the mall today I saw a toddler gnawing on a small rubber duck.
I asked him if it tasted like quackers.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... Training
p**... training my toddler can be likened to the maiden voyage of the Titanic...
At the beginning we are hopeful and excited but by the end everyone's crying and wet.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Me: "I just saw a video of a shark saving a toddler from drowning"
Friend: "Wha- how is that even possible?"
Me: "Well.. by eating the toddler"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why was the antivaxer's toddler crying?
He could pick out which casket he wanted for his f**... next week
My toddler watches a lot of YouTube. Before he went to bed, he said, "Don't forget to subscribe."
He thought it meant "goodbye."
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag...
In the sense that you know you're capable of choking a toddler at any moment?
A friend of mine asked what it's like to raise a small toddler
so I coughed directly in his mouth
You know what the worst part of being an anitvaxxer parent is?
When your toddler hits the Terrible Twos and their midlife crisis at the same time.
Why did the policeman beat his toddler at midnight?
The child was resisting a rest
My cop husband was trying to put our toddler down for a nap, but she wouldn't stop running around the house.
He finally picks her up, throws her over his shoulder, and yells stop resisting a rest!
My wife finds it strange that my toddler is a huge Tom Jones fan
"Well, it's not unusual" i told her
Two students were talking about their childhood.
I was a very clever toddler. By the time I was ten months old, I could already walk."
"You call that clever?" the other said. "I managed to trick my parents into carrying me until I was three!"
Dont see why people say that babysitting a toddler is hard. You just grease the bathtub, put them inside with some food and drink, and go do your business. I guarantee you that they will still be there when you return.
If you stay in the house, you might need to use sound cancelling headphones too though.
A toddler, was giving her daddy a tea party
She brought him a little cup of "tea" which was just water, of course. After several cups of tea , her Mom came home, Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!" Mom waited, and sure enough, here she come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. She watches him drink it up and then says, "You know the only place she can reach water, is the toilet!
When my kids were toddler age anytime we went outside they would always tell me to put their shoes on for them.
Every single time my response was, "I can't put your shoes on. They don't fit me."
I would laugh, they would glare. It was good times. Hopefully some of you with toddlers get as much mileage out of this one as I did.
My toddler was watching The Empire Strikes Back today…
My wife sent a picture to the family WhatsApp of him watching Luke duel Vader captioned 'Learning the art of the light saber!' to which I responded:
'By the end of that fight he will probably be twice as handy as Luke…'
Doctor, my toddler just ate a few hundred dollar bills, what do we do?
Doctor: Keep an eye on him, but you shouldn't expect any change.
My toddler just found their way into the drawer where we keep the condoms.
Don't worry, it's all baby-safe.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does a toddler, a police department, and a politician have in common?
You can tell when they're full of s**....
An ancient Egyptian architect once asked, Do you know how to build a pyramid?
Well, uh yeah, up to a point, replied the Ancient Egyptian builder
(Believe it or not my toddler just told me that joke. I'm so proud)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Blowing up a Balloon.
My niece had a p**... baby that spent 2 weeks on a ventilator because her lungs were not fully developed yet. She continued to have breathing problems as a toddler and needed to you inhalers to get enough oxygen.
On her 3rd birthday, she insisted on helping her mom decorate for her party. And despite her chronic breathing issues, that little girl was able to blow up a balloon faster than the entire United States Air Force.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a toddler and a Capitol Rioter?
Toddlers have more teeth, smell better, and have thrown tantrums for more justified reasons.
