Toddler Jokes

What are some Toddler jokes?

My wife said we needed to childproof our upright piano, so it wouldn't fall over on our toddler...

... I said that was a good idea, because I wouldn't want a flat minor.

Police were called to a day care

Toddler was resisting a rest.

How is a toddler like a cell phone?

If you can't find it within three days, you can presume it's dead.

What's fast and can breathe underwater?

Not a toddler, I can tell you that

I hear the woman who gave her toddler Botox treatments lost custody because of it.

Her daughter didn't look surprised.

a visitor to georgia saw a vicious dog attack a toddler

He took out his pocket knife, ran over, and stabbed the dog to death.

The mother of the toddler said

"now look here, you have saved my boy.
I happen to be a newspaper reporter, and in this week's newspaper I will personally make the headline:"


"that's great," said the man: "but I'm not from this town".

the reporter said "In that case, the headline will be:"


"but I'm not actually from Georgia," the man said. "I'm from Vermont."

"oh". the reporter scowled

"the headline's gonna be:"


When toddlers get naked and run around giggling, it's "cute" and "funny"

...but when I do it, I'm "drunk" and "not allowed back in Target"

Yo mama's so fat...

When she picked up a toddler the zoo keepers shot her.

My toddler tried out and age aproporiate pickup line

"Hey baby, you've got some fiiiiiiine motor skills."

My toddler has now reached the age where she has cute nicknames for me and my wife.

Now we're mama and AUGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

What does a toddler and a gardener have in common?

They both wet the bed.

A gorilla walks into a bar

and says "I'd like a toddler on the rocks, please"

So heres one.

So a teenager walks into a store in the mall to buy a hat. He asks for what size he should get. The store manager tells him most of the hats are one size fits all. Just then a screaming toddler walks in followed by a young girl. The boy looks at them, turns to the store manager and says "that's what they said about the condom."

What do a 14 year old and an open bucket of bleach have in common?

For twenty bucks either'll take care of your toddler.

-&y (yup, mine)

A toddler was arrested at a day care today...

He was resisting a rest

A friend of mine asked what it's like to raise a small toddler

so I coughed directly in his mouth

How many toddlers does it take to paint a garage?

One of you throw it hard enough.

When I was a toddler, my Italian mother caught me in her study.

I'd gotten into a drawer full of Greek plays. She walked in to catch me tearing Hippolytus in half. I'd done the same to others as well. The Bacchae, Heracles, Madea. As I stood there, happily shredding what had to be a 120 year old text, she began flailing and screaming.

"My a-beautiful boy, why? Why-a Euripides?"

Why are more toddlers not in jail?

When it's nap time, so many resist a rest.

A mother notices her toddler typing on the keyboard

She tells her older child, Hey look at your little brother type on the keyboard just like daddy!

Her daughter replies, No mommy, he types like you. Daddy uses one hand.

As a baby and toddler I was bathed in cheap Australian lager....

It was only when I reached 28 that my parents admitted that I had been Fostered.

I bought my toddler a plastic "Iron Throne".

I paid the Fisher-Price.

What do call it when a toddler with antivax parents throws a temper tantrum?

A midlife crisis

My toddler refused to get her PJs on because she was watching The Iron Lady, a biopic about Margaret Thatcher, along with our family.

I said, "Looks like we have a minor strike on our hands."

(A triple ententre for the win.)

At the mall today I saw a toddler gnawing on a small rubber duck.

I asked him if it tasted like quackers.

What is it called when your toddler spits out everything you make for him?


Wants to be boss of the world. Has absolutely no experience to be able to do that. Constantly yells things without knowing what they mean. Has had servants all his life. Wants nothing other than control and attention.

My toddler is driving me CRAZY!

How many toddlers does it take to change a light bulb

Apparently more than 20 seeing how my basement is still dark

What does a toddler get drunk off of?

Jack Danimals!

What's the difference between a toddler and a bag of heroin?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of heroin fall out a 53rd-floor window.

My toddler watches a lot of YouTube. Before he went to bed, he said, "Don't forget to subscribe."

He thought it meant "goodbye."

What the difference between a toddler and a bag of coke?

Eric Clapton would never let a bag of coke fall out the window #TearsInHeaven

Potty Training

Potty training my toddler can be likened to the maiden voyage of the Titanic...

At the beginning we are hopeful and excited but by the end everyone's crying and wet.

what do a toddler and a case of new pencils have in common?

They are both pointless.

I have an Idea!

"I have an idea" says my toddler.

Me: what's your idea?

Her: a quesadilla! (Ques-idea)

Her first pun at age 2, I'm so proud!

What breaks every time you give it to a toddler?

Their pelvis.

5% of toddlers are overweight

and they're called waddlers"

What did the toddler say to the 900 lb gorilla?

"Got a death wish?"

What's the difference between a paddling pool and a toddler?

The pool doesn't scream when you go in dry.

What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a toddler?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall off a balcony.

Me: "I just saw a video of a shark saving a toddler from drowning"

Friend: "Wha- how is that even possible?"

Me: "Well.. by eating the toddler"

What's three feet tall and can't turn around in a hallway?

A toddler with a harpoon in it's throat.

Why was the Nigerian toddler crying?

He was going through mid life crisis.

Why couldn't the infant insect without toes drink milk?

He was lack toes and toddler ant

Why was the toddler in trouble with the police?

She was guilty of resisting a rest.

My son was born without any lower phalanges.

Diagnosis: Lack toes in toddler.

What's The difference between a politician on a bicycle and a toddler on a tricycle?

A wheel

Why was the antivaxer's toddler crying?

He could pick out which casket he wanted for his funeral next week

You know what the worst part of being an anitvaxxer parent is?

When your toddler hits the Terrible Twos and their midlife crisis at the same time.

What breaks when you give it to a toddler?

Her hips.

What does a Jamaican toddler say when it goes down a slide?


How to make Toddler jokes?

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