The Best 56 Toddler Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Toddler jokes. There are some toddler tot jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these toddler accidentaly puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Toddler Jokes and Puns

What do a 14 year old and an open bucket of bleach have in common?

For twenty bucks either'll take care of your toddler.

-&y (yup, mine)

So heres one.

So a teenager walks into a store in the mall to buy a hat. He asks for what size he should get. The store manager tells him most of the hats are one size fits all. Just then a screaming toddler walks in followed by a young girl. The boy looks at them, turns to the store manager and says "that's what they said about the condom."

I hear the woman who gave her toddler Botox treatments lost custody because of it.

Her daughter didn't look surprised.

Toddler joke, I hear the woman who gave her toddler Botox treatments lost custody because of it.

What does a toddler get drunk off of?

Jack Danimals!

My toddler tried out and age aproporiate pickup line

"Hey baby, you've got some fiiiiiiine motor skills."

When toddlers get naked and run around giggling, it's "cute" and "funny"

...but when I do it, I'm "drunk" and "not allowed back in Target"

My toddler refused to get her PJs on because she was watching The Iron Lady, a biopic about Margaret Thatcher, along with our family.

I said, "Looks like we have a minor strike on our hands."

(A triple ententre for the win.)

Toddler joke, My toddler refused to get her PJs on because she was watching The Iron Lady, a biopic about Margaret

How many toddlers does it take to change a light bulb

Apparently more than 20 seeing how my basement is still dark

Why was the Nigerian toddler crying?

He was going through mid life crisis.

A gorilla walks into a bar

and says "I'd like a toddler on the rocks, please"

What's fast and can breathe underwater?

Not a toddler, I can tell you that

You can explore toddler infancy reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean toddler boy dad jokes. There are also toddler puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a toddler?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall off a balcony.

A toddler was arrested at a day care today...

He was resisting a rest

Yo mama's so fat...

When she picked up a toddler the zoo keepers shot her.

Police were called to a day care

Toddler was resisting a rest.

Wants to be boss of the world. Has absolutely no experience to be able to do that. Constantly yells things without knowing what they mean. Has had servants all his life. Wants nothing other than control and attention.

My toddler is driving me CRAZY!

Toddler joke, Wants to be boss of the world. Has absolutely no experience to be able to do that. Constantly yells

My wife said we needed to childproof our upright piano, so it wouldn't fall over on our toddler...

... I said that was a good idea, because I wouldn't want a flat minor.

What the difference between a toddler and a bag of coke?

Eric Clapton would never let a bag of coke fall out the window #TearsInHeaven

How is a toddler like a cell phone?

If you can't find it within three days, you can presume it's dead.

I bought my toddler a plastic "Iron Throne".

I paid the Fisher-Price.

Why are more toddlers not in jail?

When it's nap time, so many resist a rest.

My toddler has now reached the age where she has cute nicknames for me and my wife.

Now we're mama and AUGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

How many toddlers does it take to paint a garage?

One of you throw it hard enough.

When I was a toddler, my Italian mother caught me in her study.

I'd gotten into a drawer full of Greek plays. She walked in to catch me tearing Hippolytus in half. I'd done the same to others as well. The Bacchae, Heracles, Madea. As I stood there, happily shredding what had to be a 120 year old text, she began flailing and screaming.

"My a-beautiful boy, why? Why-a Euripides?"

What's the difference between a toddler and a bag of heroin?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of heroin fall out a 53rd-floor window.

A mother notices her toddler typing on the keyboard

She tells her older child, Hey look at your little brother type on the keyboard just like daddy!

Her daughter replies, No mommy, he types like you. Daddy uses one hand.

At the mall today I saw a toddler gnawing on a small rubber duck.

I asked him if it tasted like quackers.

Potty Training

Potty training my toddler can be likened to the maiden voyage of the Titanic...

At the beginning we are hopeful and excited but by the end everyone's crying and wet.

What is it called when your toddler spits out everything you make for him?


What does a toddler and a gardener have in common?

They both wet the bed.

My toddler watches a lot of YouTube. Before he went to bed, he said, "Don't forget to subscribe."

He thought it meant "goodbye."

A friend of mine asked what it's like to raise a small toddler

so I coughed directly in his mouth

What do call it when a toddler with antivax parents throws a temper tantrum?

A midlife crisis

As a baby and toddler I was bathed in cheap Australian lager....

It was only when I reached 28 that my parents admitted that I had been Fostered.

What do you call an alarm clock that doesn't have a snooze button?

A toddler

Why did the toddler cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.

Toddlers are like Jesus

They turn water into whine.

How is a toddler like a cell phone?

If you can't find it in three days it's probably dead.

My cop husband was trying to put our toddler down for a nap, but she wouldn't stop running around the house.

He finally picks her up, throws her over his shoulder, and yells stop resisting a rest!

What do you call a toddler with a gun?


How do you deal with a toddler throwing a tantrum?

Tell him to wait until the vote count is finished

My wife finds it strange that my toddler is a huge Tom Jones fan

"Well, it's not unusual" i told her

What do toddlers and paleontologists have in common ?

They both want to know your top 5 favorite dinosaurs

What sound is made when you drop a piano on a toddler?

A flat minor.

Two students were talking about their childhood.

I was a very clever toddler. By the time I was ten months old, I could already walk."

"You call that clever?" the other said. "I managed to trick my parents into carrying me until I was three!"

A prisoner digs a hole out of jail....

.... and ends up in a toddler playground
and yells "I'm free! I'm free!"
and a kids walks up and says "So big deal, I'm four!"

Dont see why people say that babysitting a toddler is hard. You just grease the bathtub, put them inside with some food and drink, and go do your business. I guarantee you that they will still be there when you return.

If you stay in the house, you might need to use sound cancelling headphones too though.

A toddler, was giving her daddy a tea party

She brought him a little cup of "tea" which was just water, of course. After several cups of tea , her Mom came home, Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!" Mom waited, and sure enough, here she come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. She watches him drink it up and then says, "You know the only place she can reach water, is the toilet!

What's the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?

One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler.

When my kids were toddler age anytime we went outside they would always tell me to put their shoes on for them.

Every single time my response was, "I can't put your shoes on. They don't fit me."

I would laugh, they would glare. It was good times. Hopefully some of you with toddlers get as much mileage out of this one as I did.

My toddler was watching The Empire Strikes Back today…

My wife sent a picture to the family WhatsApp of him watching Luke duel Vader captioned 'Learning the art of the light saber!' to which I responded:

'By the end of that fight he will probably be twice as handy as Luke…'

Doctor, my toddler just ate a few hundred dollar bills, what do we do?

Doctor: Keep an eye on him, but you shouldn't expect any change.

Was offered a bowl of dinosaurs to eat from my toddler.

"No thanks! I'm allergic to dinosaurs, they make me break out in Dino sores"

Audible groan and required "I hate you" from their babysitter.

My toddler just found their way into the drawer where we keep the condoms.

Don't worry, it's all baby-safe.

What does a toddler, a police department, and a politician have in common?

You can tell when they're full of shit.

An ancient Egyptian architect once asked, Do you know how to build a pyramid?

Well, uh yeah, up to a point, replied the Ancient Egyptian builder

(Believe it or not my toddler just told me that joke. I'm so proud)

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the toddler tantrum jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working toddler kid piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes