... I said that was a good idea, because I wouldn't want a flat minor.
Toddler was resisting a rest.
If you can't find it within three days, you can presume it's dead.
Not a toddler, I can tell you that
Her daughter didn't look surprised.
He took out his pocket knife, ran over, and stabbed the dog to death.
The mother of the toddler said
"now look here, you have saved my boy.
I happen to be a newspaper reporter, and in this week's newspaper I will personally make the headline:"
BRAVE LOCAL MAN SAVES CHILD BY KILLING BEAST
"that's great," said the man: "but I'm not from this town".
the reporter said "In that case, the headline will be:"
GEORGIA MAN SAVES CHILD BY KILLING DOG
"but I'm not actually from Georgia," the man said. "I'm from Vermont."
"oh". the reporter scowled
"the headline's gonna be:"
YANKEE BUTCHERS FAMILY PET
...but when I do it, I'm "drunk" and "not allowed back in Target"
When she picked up a toddler the zoo keepers shot her.
"Hey baby, you've got some fiiiiiiine motor skills."
Now we're mama and AUGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
They both wet the bed.
and says "I'd like a toddler on the rocks, please"
So a teenager walks into a store in the mall to buy a hat. He asks for what size he should get. The store manager tells him most of the hats are one size fits all. Just then a screaming toddler walks in followed by a young girl. The boy looks at them, turns to the store manager and says "that's what they said about the condom."
For twenty bucks either'll take care of your toddler.
-&y (yup, mine)
He was resisting a rest
so I coughed directly in his mouth
One of you throw it hard enough.
I'd gotten into a drawer full of Greek plays. She walked in to catch me tearing Hippolytus in half. I'd done the same to others as well. The Bacchae, Heracles, Madea. As I stood there, happily shredding what had to be a 120 year old text, she began flailing and screaming.
"My a-beautiful boy, why? Why-a Euripides?"
When it's nap time, so many resist a rest.
She tells her older child, Hey look at your little brother type on the keyboard just like daddy!
Her daughter replies, No mommy, he types like you. Daddy uses one hand.
It was only when I reached 28 that my parents admitted that I had been Fostered.
I paid the Fisher-Price.
A midlife crisis
I said, "Looks like we have a minor strike on our hands."
(A triple ententre for the win.)
I asked him if it tasted like quackers.
Feedback
My toddler is driving me CRAZY!
Apparently more than 20 seeing how my basement is still dark
Jack Danimals!
Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of heroin fall out a 53rd-floor window.
He thought it meant "goodbye."
Eric Clapton would never let a bag of coke fall out the window #TearsInHeaven
Potty training my toddler can be likened to the maiden voyage of the Titanic...
At the beginning we are hopeful and excited but by the end everyone's crying and wet.
They are both pointless.
"I have an idea" says my toddler.
Me: what's your idea?
Her: a quesadilla! (Ques-idea)
Her first pun at age 2, I'm so proud!
Their pelvis.
and they're called waddlers"
"Got a death wish?"
The pool doesn't scream when you go in dry.
Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall off a balcony.
Friend: "Wha- how is that even possible?"
Me: "Well.. by eating the toddler"
A toddler with a harpoon in it's throat.
He was going through mid life crisis.
He was lack toes and toddler ant
She was guilty of resisting a rest.
Diagnosis: Lack toes in toddler.
A wheel
He could pick out which casket he wanted for his funeral next week
When your toddler hits the Terrible Twos and their midlife crisis at the same time.
Her hips.
Wee-m'on.
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