Today Learned Jokes
106 today learned jokes and hilarious today learned puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about today learned that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Today Learned Short Jokes
Short today learned jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The today learned humour may include short today learnt jokes also.
- Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in the water.... .....you can safely wear it on your head....because it's capsized.
- I definitely learned my lesson about speeding today and it will never happen again. I didn't get pulled over or anything, I just showed up to work 20 minutes early.
- I never knew how technologically advanced moses was... But today I learned he had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
- I learned a few things today. 1. I'm gonna be a dad!
2. I'm gonna be an uncle!
3. My sisters not on the pill. - A Dad picks his son up from school Dad: what did you learn at school today, son?
Son: apparently not enough, I have to go back tomorrow. - First Day At School The child comes home from his first day at school.
His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow." - Today I learned what the CIA is replacing water boarding with. Verizon Wireless customer service.
- We learned about the orbitals of an atom today... It was pretty Bohring.
.
.
.
I'll let myself out. - In history class today, I learned about Galileo... I already knew that he was a poor boy, from a poor family...
- Today I Learned I should NOT have my password be the name of my cat. I then turned to my cat and said, "Well, wJ:cg/v&A;6BTt, I guess it's back to the drawing board."
Share These Today Learned Jokes With Friends
Today Learned One Liners
Which today learned one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with today learned? I can suggest the ones about today date and current news.
- Today I learned boiling water was really smart. It has like, 100 degree.
- Today i learned TIL that dyslexia is the same forward and backwards
- Today I learned that "wet Floor" signs… …are not a request…
- I taught my parents something today... ...I guess they learned from their mistake
- Today I learned all about the orbicularis oculi muscles. Quite the eye opener I tell ya
- Today I learned that Dr. Seuss' mom was a pioneer in physiotherapy. Ma Seuss.
- Today I was learning about electrical safety. I was shocked.
- Today I learned... It's not polite to greet a blind person with long time no see
- Hey dad today we learn about eclipses, do you know what they are No son
- In today's Criminology class we will learn about cannibalism. It's my Hannibal Lecture.
- Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
- I learned a lot today it means a large number or amount.
- I got catcalled today. I am impressed Mr. Whiskers has learned to use a phone.
- Today I learned to count in Taiwanese... TaiWan, TaiTwo, TaiThree!
- Today I learned the German word for 'Brazier' *Schtopemfromfloppin*
Cheerful Fun Today Learned Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy
What funny jokes about today learned you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean lesson learned jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make today learned pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A w**... Contest.
Three 3rd Graders, an Irish, an Italian, and a Black are in the bathroom during recess and they decide to have a w**... contest to see who has the biggest w**...! The Irish boy pulls his out first and it's pretty small. The Italian goes next and it's about average. Then the Black Boy pulls his out and it's clearly the largest, but the other boys say "Well you won, but it's because you're black!"
So that night when the black boy goes home, his mom asks him what he did in school that day. He tells her how they did coloring, and reading, and what they learned, and how he played recess, but then he says "And mom, today me and my friends had a w**... contest, and I won! But mom, the others boys said I only won because I'm black". To which his mom replies "Tyrone, you didn't win because you're black, you won because you're 17!"
People need to learn how to take a compliment...
Just today I complimented the most epic mustache I've ever seen and the lady didn't even say thanks.
A man decides he wants to learn to play bass.
He signs up for lessons and the first day the instructor says to him "today we're learning E." and he just plays E over and over again. The next lesson the instructor says he'll be teaching him A and he plays A over and over again. The third lesson is D and he plays D over and over again. At the end of the lesson the instructor says "next lesson we'll learn G" but the guy replies "I can't make the next lesson, I have a gig."
I started studying abroad today...
... The first thing I learned is that they don't like being called broads.
I told my neighbor with a cute daughter this joke today and it's killing him.
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at 'C'
I hit every traffic light coming home from work today.
I should probably learn how to drive better.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
r**... Geometry
Dale was the first of his h**... family to make it past the second grade.
One day, Dale's pa asked, "What did y'all learn today in that geometry class?"
Dale replied, "Pi r squared".
"Dadgummit!", yelled Dale's pa, "I knew that there fancy school tweren't no good! Pie are ROUND! CAKE are square!"
Johnny's parents hired a tutor to help him with statistics
after his first session with the tutor, his parents asked him how it went.
johnny said "well, today i learned that correlation is not equal to causation"
johnny's mother was pleased: "so hiring this tutor is really helping you understand statistics!?"
johnny responded "well, not necessarily."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Today i learned that dolphins are the only animals other than humans that enjoy s**...!
I'm not sure if it was worth getting banned from all those zoo's to find out though
Learning with Linus.
Hi. My name is Linus Torvalds and today I will be teaching you how to manage threads and resolve conflicts*.
^*In ^Linux ^development ^mailing ^lists.
Today I learned that 48% of women in the U.S. are battered...
and to think I've been eating mine plain for all these years.
I learned how to talk to animals today..
Now they just have to learn to listen
Sorry, tuba players...
A father decides to put his son in a music class. The teacher assigns him the tuba and the dad goes home, leaving his kid there.
When the child comes home, the dad asks "What did you do today?"
The child said "I learned how to play the C Note!"
The next day, the dad asks "What did you do today?"
The child said "I learned how to play the G Note!"
The next day, the dad asks "What did you do today?"
"I joined the orchestra!"
I learned 10 jokes about clickbait today. But I won't tell them.
You wouldn't belive number 7 anyway.
Two Jehovah's Witnesses knock on someone's door
The house owner opens the door. "Good morning, would you like to learn about God today?" The houseowner was a little bored, and slightly curious, so he lets them in. They slowly enter, and sit down on the couch across from the houseowner. After a few seconds of silence, the houseowner asks, "Well?" The Jehovah's Witnesses look at each other and says to the houseowner, "We don't know what to say, we've never made it this far."
I think I'm overcoming dyslexia.
I learned a new abbreviation today: DNA, or National Dyslexic Association.
Today, my daughter came to me and told me...
"Dad, we learned in school that children inherit their intelligence from their mothers."
I said: "Of course you got your intelligence from mom. Because I still have mine".
Today I learned that johann Sebastian Bach was a big time gambler...
It got so bad that he went baroque.
Sorry...
I was at the store with my Dad...
We were in the store and passed by the condoms. He looks at them for a second, picks some up, and throws them to me.
He said "I know you've got yourself a girlfriend now, so I think it's about time you learn about protection. These are pretty great, I doubt that you would be here today if not for these!"
Maths lesson
Jimmy comes home from school and his mum asks him what he's learned
today. "I learned that if I have three apples and Jenny gives me two more apples, I'll have five apples."
"That's right," says his mum. "So if you have four bananas and I give you three more, how many will you have?"
"Dunno. We haven't done bananas yet."
Today I learned that Disney had to rename Moana in Italy because an Italian pornstar has the same name
AND NO ONE KNOOOOOOOOWS HOW DEEP SHE GOOOOOOOOOOOOOES.
today, i learned that "Donald Trump" is an anagram of "Tan Dump Lord"
...it's like his parents knew all along
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When is the best time to hold a f**...?
In the mourning.
FYI, my 11yo says he made this up today, right after learning of death in the extended family.
I learned an interesting fact about the Titanic today
The swimming pools on it are still full of water.
Today I learned that the toothbrush was invented in Alabama...
If it had been invented somewhere else they would have called it the teethbrush.
My dad got fired today and asked me to be his teacher.
His boss told him to learn from his mistakes.
I came home today to find my sister watching an action movie.
She told me she was watching it to learn how to fight. The next day I came home and she was watching a romantic comedy. She told me she was watching it to learn how to love. The day after that I came home and as I arrived there was a pizza delivery guy leaving the house. When I walked inside my sister told me she found a movie under my bed.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A girl gets home from school and is greetrd by her mother
Mom: "What'd you do in school today?"
Daughter: "We learned all about the male reproductive organs"
Mom: "Oh, and what else?"
Daughter: "Well then we watched as the police came and took Mr. Brown away"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My dad passed away a few months ago, today would've been his 61 birthday. Blame him for my sense of humor.
My sister messaged me. "How are you doing?"
I Responded. "My elbow hurts and I have a cold sore on my tongue."
"Two lessons learned, don't fight a h**... and don't kiss one."
Super deflect..
Mike joins a new school.
After school is over he returns home to his mother.
Mom: So Mike, how was your day today?
Mike: It was great! We learned about explosive materials in our lab today.
Mom: That sounds interesting, so what will you learn in school tomorrow?
Mike: What school?
My buddy signed up for one of those, "learn to be a plumber in 6 weeks" courses you see on TV and his final exam was at 9am today...
He showed up at 3pm, looked at the test paper and said, "Looks like I'm gonna need a pen for this job. I'll have to pop round to my suppliers for one. Be right back."
Graduated top of his class...
A mother asks her child after school...
"Did you learn anything today?"
"Not enough apparently, the teacher wants me to come back tomorrow..."
Today I learned how to read Braille.
It might look intimidating at first, but once you get a feel for it it's pretty easy.
Today I learned about Harvey E. Brown, a civil war surgeon who had so many amputations he ran out of fake legs and had to use a shovel.
It was a ground-breaking medical procedure.
A bird flew into my math classroom today.
It must've wanted to learn geome-tree.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Today I Learned
I've been surrounded by a rare species called expectations, apparently they've always been there yet I've never met any of them.
[s**... og joke, I agree]
A young kid asked a question
A young kid asked his parents one how he was made.
The parents ,not wanting to scar him, replied that he was delivered by a stork
Later on in his room the child started on his paper and it read
Today I learned that I am the only person in the entire world not born regularly
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ellen jail joke
Ellen DeGeneres coronavirus jail joke - Today, I am filming this in my living room because all the other rooms in my house are filled with toilet paper !
One thing that I've learned from being in quarantine is that people this is like being in jail, is what it is !
It's mostly because I've been wearing the same clothes for 10 days and everyone in here is gay.
mother to son : what did you learn in school today ?
mother to son : what did you learn in school today ?
son : not enough !! they want me to go back tomorrow !
Little Johnny, a young American boy, is down at the shops when..
He sees a group of disgruntled looking Australian tourists holding maps and wandering around.
Being the inquisitive young lad that he is he decides to try and find out a bit about them. Although he cant understand a word they're saying he quickly learns that they're from an ancient Australian tribe called the Fakawi!
Excited by this discovery Johnny runs home to tell his mother about his find.
"Mum, mum!", Johnny shouts, "I met native members of the Fakawi tribe today!".
"How did you know who they were?" Mum asks.
"Well that was easy," says little Johnny, "everywhere they went they were telling people, "We're the fakawi!"".
Today we learned 2 things about Jeff Bezos: He has big cojones...
And there might be pictures of them
A gunslinger burst into a saloon and said, "My name is Amarillo Red!"
"but my friends call me 'Orange' for short."
and yes, today I learned Amarillo is Spanish for yellow.
Today I learned that your surname denotes your ancestor's occupation like Baker, Mason, or Potter
Someone definitely has to explain why our surname is Dickinson.
Today I learned where plastic surgeons get new noses for their patients...
At the olfactory.
We learned today that Trump blocked a proposed budget change that would have eliminated finding for the Special Olympics.
He must have been pretty mad at the thought of being unable to compete this year.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Learned today what causes high tides.
Sea w**....
TIL (Today I learned) who coined the phrase "The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never know if they are genuine"
It was former US President Abraham Lincoln.
I just learned today is International Joke Day.
But do we really need a whole day dedicated to Trump?
Today I learned about the Astley paradox!
If you ask Rick Astley for his copy of the movie UP, he cannot give it to you as he will never give you up.
However, in doing so, he lets you down.
Thus creating the Astley Paradox.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My 3 year old's knock knock joke - innocence shattered
3 yr old: Knock Knock Daddy!
Me: Who's there?
3 yr old: (excitedly waving around their fork heaped with spaghetti and slinging sauce everywhere) Fork!
Me: Fork who?
*wife and I lock eyes; we each slowly make "the face" as we realize what is about to come out of our 3 year old's mouth*
3 yr old: Fork you Daddy!!!!! (delirious laughter)
(for those who aren't parents, imagine how someone who is learning to talk might pronounce "fork you"). My 3yr old lost their innocence in my eyes today. May as well pack them up and get them ready for college.
So I learned some interesting things today
I get a kick out of words and word histories, so reading up I learned the word "CENTURION" came from the old Latin word for one hundred, because they were an officer in charge of one hundred soldiers. I also learned that the term "DECIMATE" comes from a collective punishment centurions would mete out, where one out of every ten men would be executed. It seemed like there was definitely some kind of joke or word play I could make out of that, but I couldn't find any.
There was no pun in ten dead.
Today my son taught me something wonderful.
He said: "You should learn from your mistakes"
I said: "I just did"
Four teachers are talking in the staffroom
The English teacher said: "I had a particularly dim pupil today ask me what came after 'F', I made sure be kind when I told him it was 'G'"
The music teacher replied with "I think I taught the same boy, he must've been confused when I told him that naturally F sharp came after F."
The computer science teacher chimed in with "Interestingly I told him that 1 came after F since we're learning hex at the moment"
The PE teacher after quietly listening in sheepishly admits "I told him it's okay, you can always train to teach gym".
Living beside a groundhog means you get one prediction every morning.
Yesterday I learned that my tomatoes will be ripe in 6 weeks.
Today I learned that my dementia is onset and early.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Today in History class we learned that evil s**... traders used to lure and capture Kalahari bushmen by speaking their language to draw them out in the open.
A terrible, early form of click bait.
Today, I learned that some people are disgusted that others pee in the shower
I don't think it was necessary to cancel my gym membership over it though.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
For son's birthday, Dad buys him a bass guitar...
...and pays for 5 lessons.
After the first lesson, the boy gets home and Dad asks "What did you learn today?"
"I learned the first 5 notes on the E string." the son says proudly.
After the second lesson, the dad asks "What did you learn this time?"
"I learned the first 5 notes on the A string." the boy says.
After the third lesson, the Dad waits at home for what seems like hours. Around 2am, the son finally comes home, smelling of whiskey and cigarettes.
"Where the h**... have you been?" Dad demands.
"Sorry dad, I had a gig!"
I'm filling in for my friend today ...
His patients won't be happy when they learn that I never went to dental school.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A teacher arrives to work drunk.
"Alright class, today we're going to... I don't b**... know. Learn the alphabet"
"Are you okay sir?" enquires one of the pupils.
"It starts A, B, C, D you idiot!"
Classic Rock and Roll Trivia
I learned today that 3 of the guys who performed on "Rosanna" and "Africa" also played on "Dust in the Wind". Music journalist asked them why they joined the new band and they said
"Toto? We aren't in Kansas anymore".
The difference between ravens and crows
Today I learned there are very few differences between ravens and crows. But one key difference is they have a different amount of tail feathers, so really, the difference is a matter of a pinion.
posted on behalf of my SO