today Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious today puns

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

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Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was.

She said "Fuck you".

So I'm pretty excited for 2019.

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Obama smoked weed growing up, and now look where he is today

Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted

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Today i asked the hot girl at my gym what her New Year's resolution was.

She said "fuck you". So i'm pretty excited about 2017.

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I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask waaaay too many personal questions

Like, "who's blood is this", and "where did you get it?"

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My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"

I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

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Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.

You can't imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him put his pistol back in his pocket.

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I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived

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Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

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Today, I shocked the hell out of the postman by opening the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what surprised him most: my nudity, or the fact that I know where he lives.

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I got thrown out of math class today.

The teacher asked me "If I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Claire and $5 to Laura, what would you have?"

Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn't the answer...


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Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full."

I thought, "I can't turn that down."

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I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.

It's my thirty-second birthday.

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I proposed to my ex-wife today

She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money

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Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

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I was fired from the keyboard factory today.

I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

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My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing...

Probably because it's a Dell

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I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"

I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

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I heard my son say his first words to me today...

"where have you been the last 20 years?"

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I got a phone call from my son's school today

Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?

Yes, how can I help you?

Hi, This is little Billy's music teacher calling

Oh, hi

Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!

Really? Wow! That's..

Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet

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You know when you get the urge to eat something just because it's there?

Anyways, I lost my job as a gynecologist today.

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I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said

"I want you to try to sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.

Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"

I said "$200 and it's yours."

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I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon today

I'll let you know.

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I pissed off two men today because I referred to them as hipsters..

Apparently the correct term is 'conjoined twins'

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I pissed off two people today by calling them hipsters.

Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.

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Today i asked the hot girl at my gym what her new year resolutions were.

She said ยซFuck youยป. So im pretty excited for 2018

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Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...

And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.

 
 
 
 

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Bad Math Grade

A little boy comes home from school and tells his father, "I got an F in math today."
His father replies, "What happened?"
The boy says, "Well, my teacher asked me, 'What's 3 times 2', and I said 6.'"
The father replies, "Well, that's correct."
The boy says, "I know. Then she asked me, 'What's 2 times 3.'"
The father then replies, "What the fuck is the difference?"
The boys says, "That's what I said!"

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I bought a locket today and put my own picture in it. Guess now I really am....

Independent

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My girlfriend and I broke up today

Her: "I just need time."

Me: "Okay. Yeah, I understand."

Her: "And distance, as well."

Me: "Fine. But can I ask you one last question?"

Her: "Go ahead."

Me: "What are you calculating the velocity of, anyway?"

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I met a genie today who said he would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry" said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "I want to die after the Republicans get their heads out of their asses!"



"You crafty bastard," said the genie.

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I got banned from laser tag today.

Apparently they frown on using a knife to save ammo.

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I called the Suicide hotline today

They left me hanging

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It was so cold in D.C. today...

that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

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Today my son threw a quarter in the well at the mall and said "I wish my dad was dead." And because of his attitide we went home without buying anything.

When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never even seen them speak to eachother.

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What are the most funny Today jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Today? Well, here are the best Today dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Today pick up lines to share with friends.

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