Amusing Today Jokes to Make You Laugh with Friends
Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."
Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."
Obama smoked w**... growing up, and now look where he is today
Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted
I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask waaaay too many personal questions
Like, "who's blood is this", and "where did you get it?"
My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"
I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."
Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.
You can't imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him put his p**... back in his pocket.
I scared the postman today by going to the door completely n**....
I'm not sure what scared him more. My n**... body or the fact I knew where he lived
Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full."
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.
It's my thirty-second birthday.
I proposed to my ex-wife today
She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money
Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
You can explore today afternoon reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean today thursday dad jokes. There are also today puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I was fired from the keyboard factory today.
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing...
Probably because it's a Dell
I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
I heard my son say his first words to me today...
"where have you been the last 20 years?"
I got a phone call from my son's school today
Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?
Yes, how can I help you?
Hi, This is little Billy's music teacher calling
Oh, hi
Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!
Really? Wow! That's..
Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet
You know when you get the urge to eat something just because it's there?
Anyways, I lost my job as a gynecologist today.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said
"I want you to try to sell this to me."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.
Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"
I said "$200 and it's yours."
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon today
I'll let you know.
Today I was asked how I view lesbian relationships
Apparently "in HD" wasn't the right answer
I bought a locket today and put my own picture in it. Guess now I really am....
Independent
My teenage daughter came home in a rage.
"I've just had s**... education in school today, Dad!
You lied to me!
You told me if I have s**... before my sixteenth birthday my boyfriend will die!"
I put down my paper: "Oh, he will sweetheart, he will.
Bumped into my ex today...
Well, the police say it's vehicular manslaughter. So, yeah whatever.
I got banned from laser tag today.
Apparently they frown on using a knife to save ammo.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?", she replied.
"No, the regular kind."
I called the s**... hotline today
They left me hanging
REMINDER: If you have promised your SO that you will love them 24/7
Today is 24/7
I'm taking my wife for skydiving.
So if you see a solar eclipse today, don't be surprised.
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
My girlfriend dumped me today saying I was too childish
But today is opposite day so it's all good
It was so cold in D.C. today...
that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
My girlfriend and I broke up today
Her: "I just need time."
Me: "Okay. Yeah, I understand."
Her: "And distance, as well."
Me: "Fine. But can I ask you one last question?"
Her: "Go ahead."
Me: "What are you calculating the velocity of, anyway?"
My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. We had s**... education today dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have s**... before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die! I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…
Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.
Today my son threw a quarter in the well at the mall and said "I wish my dad was dead." And because of his attitide we went home without buying anything.
When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never even seen them speak to eachother.
A man and a woman are chatting in an elevator.
"What are you up to today?" he asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20 a pint."
"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate s**..., and the s**... bank pays $100 a tablespoon."
The woman gets a strange look on her face and gets off the elevator.
The next day, they meet in the elevator again.
The man asks, "So, where you off to today?"
"Fmerm mank," she says, with her mouth full.
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have s**...?"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."
Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"
Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.
Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa
Because tomorrow he turns 81!
I was talking to a feminist today when she told me about the Dwayne Johnson Rule.
I'd never heard of it before but apparently in order to determine if a particular comment is appropriate to say to a woman, you should first ask yourself, Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson? If not, don't say it.
I thought this sounded like a great rule, so I told her, Your chest is epic.
I volunteered to help blind children today!
That's a verb not an adjective btw.
A homeless guy asked me for money today
So I looked in my pocket for change, but all I had on me was a $20 bill. I thought to myself "Do I really want this $20 going towards drugs?...Nah" So I gave him the 20.
Therapist: So what brings the two of you here today?
My wife: It's impossible to live with him. He's too literal.
Me: My truck.
Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.
My parents are the worst.
Today I thought of a color that doesn't exist...
but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.
I tried donating blood today. Never again!!
Too many s**... questions. Whose blood is it? Where did you get it from?? Why is it in a bucket???
If Christ were alive today, he'd have a huge retirement account
because Jesus saves.
In 50 years: "You know, kids, back in my day, we had to wear masks everywhere we went at one point."
We didn't have those fancy hazmat suits you all wear today
My son is 2934 days old today.
He was born on 12/12/12.
I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day. Today it dawned on me that it's not the right size so I called to cancel. They said it's too late.
That sail has shipped.
Why did it take the police so long to show up to Capitol Hill today?
Because they had to go home and change first.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today...
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.
A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"
The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies."
I said, "Tell him, he's b**... good. I don't have any kids
Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in the water....
.....you can safely wear it on your head....because it's capsized.
A guy sat next to me in the bus today and pulled out a photo of his wife.
He asked me Ain't she beautiful?
I said If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife
He replied with Why, is she a stunner as well?
I said No, she's an optician
Cr
In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed in him
To be fair though, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him
Bill and Melinda Gates woke up today and said...
May divorce be with you.
I gave a homeless guy $5 today
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
My wife said to me If I ever get
Alzheimers I would commit s**... rather than burdening you with me"
I said "Thats the fifth time you've said that today"
My brother was murdered today
cop: do you mind identifying the body \[puts hand on my shoulder\] I have to warn you the body was hacked up.
me: \[tearing up\] yes that's my brother Reese.
cop: you're sure?
me: \[nodding\] those are Reese's Pieces.
I was going to finalize my research as to why vaccines are bad today
But all of the research sites are down.
A man walks into a brain store to buy a new brain
He goes to the clerk and says
"Hello, I'd like to purchase a new brain".
The clerk replies with "Sure, here are some of our brains we have on sale"
"Here's the brain of a physicist, 5 dollars."
"Here's our second deal for today. The brain of an anti-vaxxer, 10,000 dollars".
The man, completely confused, asks "Why is the brain of an anti-vaxxer more expensive than of a physicist?"
"Because it's never been used" The clerk replies.
The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, Surely, it's not going to rain today?
And she replied, Yes it is, and don't call me Shirley.
That was when I realized I'd left my phone on Airplane mode.
A new law
Two guys walk into a bar and order lunch. "What brings you guys in today?" the bartender asks. "I guess you haven't heard yet. The mayor passed a law yesterday to try to help out local restaurants during Covid-19. All adult males are required to go and eat lunch out with their best male friends at least once a week," one of the guys answers the bartender. "Well it's not a law really," the other guy corrects him. "It's more of a mandate."
I got my COVID test today, it says 50. What does that mean?
Also, my IQ test came back positive
Today I celebrated my 365th day sober!!
And it only took me 14 years
I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying it's their cake day, just so people can wish them.
You won't catch me doing that today.
Just met my friend on the street crying his eyes out so I asked him what was wrong
He said "Today is the 2nd of the 2nd 2022 and I just turned 22 so I went to the bookies and put €222 on the second horse in the second race of the day.. It was at 2.22!"
"That all sounds great" I said, "What went wrong"?
"He came second".
Dropped my best ever dad joke & no one was around to hear it
I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.
I said "hey look, an escaPEA"
No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!
I was almost upset that my coffee tasted like dirt today
but then I remembered it was ground this morning.
I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.
Eventually, he called me on my phone and said, "Bring it back here right now!"
I replied, "£100 and it's yours."
A man sitting next to me on the bus today showed me a picture of his wife.
He says to me "Isn't she beautiful"?
I replied to him "If you think she's pretty, you should see my wife"
He then asked "Oh, is your wife beautiful too"?, to which I replied "No, she's an optometrist".
Today my son asked me, Dad are we pyromaniacs?
I replied: yes, we arson.
"You have a reminder set for 5pm today," my phone said.
"A reminder? What is it?" I asked.
"It's a notification to ensure you don't forget something, but that's not important right now," the phone replied.
Then I remembered I'd left it in Airplane mode.
Death: Jack! Your time is up. I'll take you now.
Jack: Not today please, I have a lot more to do.
Death: Oh no, you're the first on the list to die.
Jack: Alright, I'll finish what I'm doing first. Even better, I'll make you some coffee while you wait. And after I'm done, we can leave.
(Jack put sleeping pills in the coffee and when Death fell asleep, Jack erased his name and placed it at the end of the list)
Death: Woah! My friend, I slept well. You're a good person Jack, you treated me very well. Because of that, I'll just start with the last one on the list.
Two Jewish guys are walking down the street...
Two Jewish guys are walking down the street when they spot a sign outside a church: "Today Only: Convert to Christianity and we will give you 100 bucks cash!"
"I'm gonna do it," o**... tells the other and disappears through the church door.
5 minutes later he's back. "Well, Did you get the cash?" his buddy asks.
"Jeez Is that all you people think about?" comes the friend's reply.
My 12 year old son tried coffee for the first time today
"It tastes like dirt!"
I told him it was just ground this morning.
Who runs Mexican Amazon?
Jeff Pesos
It's a silly joke but I thought of it on my own today! I found a 200 peso bill on the ground today and I was saying pesos in different accents out loud with a coworker when the joke popped into my head. I don't think I've heard it anywhere before. After I got home and searched it here I realised it hasn't been told this way on this subreddit yet either. So I'm claiming it as an original joke.
Americans are getting stronger; 20 years ago, it took two adults to carry $50 worth of groceries.
Today, a 5 year-old can carry them!
This is an old joke that my teacher told me when I was little and most people probably already know it but I remember loving it.
A police officer pulls over a man who has penguins in the backseat of the car.
"Sir you can't have penguins in your car. Bring them to the zoo or something," the police officer tells the man.
The next day, the police officer sees the man again. Again, the penguins are in the backseat of the car.
"Sir, I told you to take the penguins to the zoo!"
"I did, Officer! Today I'm taking them to the movies."
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!" He replied, "Of course! Take the afternoon off." When I returned to work the next day, he came to my desk, smiled and asked, "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?" I shrugged, "I don't know..."
"I'll tell you in nine months!"
My 7 year old son came in from school today and asked me:
"Dad, what kind of mouse can walk on 2 legs?"
"Erm, I don't know" I replied
"Mickey Mouse" he replied laughing
"Dad, what kind of duck can walk on 2 legs"
"Donald Duck" I replied
"No, all ducks you idiot"
On day six of the Creation, God announced to his archangel underlings, "Today we're creating a place called Canada.
"Today we're creating a place called Canada. Pull out all the stops. Give it beautiful mountains, lakes, plains, forests, and sandy beaches. Underground, give it oil, gold, etc. Oh, and plenty of fish and wildlife."
"Sir," interjected an archangel, "aren't you being overly generous to these Canadians?"
"Don't worry, I'll balance it out," said God. "Wait 'till you see the neighbours I'm giving them."
Normally the wife picks up our four kids at school, but today she sent me a text, "Working late. Please pick up kids <3"
It was really hard deciding which two to leave behind.
Went to the proctologist today and he was impressed!
He gave me the thumbs up
You know what made me realized I put on too much makeup today?
When Batman suddenly attacked me
I got gas for 2$ today.
The Taco Bell value menu still slaps though
Today, I met Bruce Lee's vegetarian brother, Broco Lee.
I met a few of his cousins too;
The one who can't take a joke, Serious Lee.
The one is always there last minute, Sudden Lee.
The one who doesn't understand Metaphors, Literal Lee.
The one who is always throwing shade, Sarcastic Lee.
The one who is so sure of himself, Definite Lee.
The one you can always predict, Usual Lee.
The one whose always smiling, Happy Lee.
The one in disgrace, Shameful Lee.
The one that isn't very good looking, Ug Lee
AND,
The one who likes perfection, Exact Lee
In short, I met the whole Fama Lee.
I visited the air and space museum today...
There was nothing to see there.
I hit two good balls out golfing today.
I stepped on the bunker rake.
A parishioner compliments the minister after a sermon, saying, "Reverend, your words today were akin to the peace and love of God."
"Thank you," responds the minister, "Why do you say that?"
The parishioner explains, " Because the peace of God passes all understanding, and the love of God endures forever."
