Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."
A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall.
He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic.
The penguin says, "Have you had time to look at my engine?"
The mechanic says, "Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "No, that's just ice cream."
"What happened?" The father asks.
"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'
"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''
The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, have you gone by the school?"
"Not yet."
"Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also."
"Why?" asks the father.
"Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked, 'What, am I suppose to stand on.... my cock??'"
"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come."
The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet."
"Don't bother, I got expelled."
Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?"
"Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher."
"The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
She said "Fuck you".
So I'm pretty excited for 2019.
Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted
She said "fuck you". So i'm pretty excited about 2017.
Like, "who's blood is this", and "where did you get it?"
I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."
You can't imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him put his pistol back in his pocket.
I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived
The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
I'm not sure what freaked him out more β my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.
I'm not sure what surprised him most: my nudity, or the fact that I know where he lives.
The teacher asked me "If I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Claire and $5 to Laura, what would you have?"
Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn't the answer...
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent.
Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with my wife!"
The doctor remains calm: "The answer lies in the genetics. Some genetics have recessive traits, which are not apparent to the parents but may be passed on to the child. For example, last week one of your sheep gave birth to a black sheep."
The chieftain pauses for a thinking, then replies: "I tell you what. You say no word about black sheep and I say no word about white child."
It's my thirty-second birthday.
She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
Probably because it's a Dell
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
He turns to her and says,
"What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. They clink glasses and he asks, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great," says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replies.
"What a coincidence," she said.
"where have you been the last 20 years?"
Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?
Yes, how can I help you?
Hi, This is little Billy's music teacher calling
Oh, hi
Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!
Really? Wow! That's..
Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet
Anyways, I lost my job as a gynecologist today.
"I want you to try to sell this to me."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.
Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"
I said "$200 and it's yours."
Stupid fireman.
I'll let you know.
Apparently the correct term is 'conjoined twins'
Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.
She said Β«Fuck youΒ». So im pretty excited for 2018
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
And says to the bartender : " 10 shots of whiskey ! "
The bartender asks : " What's the matter ? "
The man says : " Well today , i found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend ."
The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.
And again the bartender asks : " What's wrong this time ? "
The man replies : " i found out that my son is gay."
The next day the same man comes back and orders another 15 shots of whiskey .
Bartender : " Doesn't anyone in your family like women ?? "
The man looks up and says : " Well apparently my wife does ! "
Edit : Thank you kind human being for my first goldie !
A little boy comes home from school and tells his father, "I got an F in math today."
His father replies, "What happened?"
The boy says, "Well, my teacher asked me, 'What's 3 times 2', and I said 6.'"
The father replies, "Well, that's correct."
The boy says, "I know. Then she asked me, 'What's 2 times 3.'"
The father then replies, "What the fuck is the difference?"
The boys says, "That's what I said!"
If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.
It was motherfucking gold.
Independent
Her: "I just need time."
Me: "Okay. Yeah, I understand."
Her: "And distance, as well."
Me: "Fine. But can I ask you one last question?"
Her: "Go ahead."
Me: "What are you calculating the velocity of, anyway?"
"I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry" said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"
"Fine," I said, "I want to die after the Republicans get their heads out of their asses!"
"You crafty bastard," said the genie.
Apparently they frown on using a knife to save ammo.
They left me hanging
that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never even seen them speak to eachother.
"I've just had sex education in school today, Dad!
You lied to me!
You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday my boyfriend will die!"
I put down my paper: "Oh, he will sweetheart, he will.
Today is 24/7
"Which doctor?", she replied.
"No, the regular kind."
Well, the police say it's vehicular manslaughter. So, yeah whatever.
So if you see a solar eclipse today, don't be surprised.
But today is opposite day so it's all good
I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!
The North Korean state media just announced today that in the event of possible war all citizens are ordered to follow Donald Trump on Twitter, as there's no way in hell he would risk losing 42 million followers
Within 10 minutes of getting home, he made a bolt for the door.
Apparently "in HD" wasn't the right answer
Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.
I told her we use names here
Your parents today: "Freedom Eagle dot facebook says Hillary invented AIDS."
There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.
As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.
So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were.
John thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammad'. And Mike said 'My name is Mike'.
The Arab man said 'Hello Mike.' And told these other men to take Mike and give him food and drink.
Then he turned to John and said, 'Salaam Muhammad. Ramadan Mubarak! (Hello Muhammad, Happy Ramadan)
I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.
Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"
I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
I said, "No, she's a fucking optician."
today I bought some ready to eat chicken and sure enough I was ready to eat chicken.
He was high on my list of priorities
I had the joy of meeting a couple of hipsters today, and they yelled at me for making fun of them. Apparently the politically correct term is "conjoined twins".
Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.
Onions was a good dog
now I only drink for evil
Police think it might be race related.
My wife's still really angry about it but me and Dave were drunk and thought it was a great idea
There was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yuan for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hundred dollar for yuan. Today I only get hundred eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations.
The Asian lady says, "Fluck you white people too!"
I sit at work today drinking Coke, doing some stuff with Excel tables when suddenly my boss puts his hand into my pants, jerks me off, and then goes back to his previous work like nothing happened. Being self employed has its positives.
...at least Charlie Sheen is staying positive.
When he suddenly mumbled, "Fucking shitty lid!". My wife immediately looked at me and said, "I wonder where he's got that from?". I said, "The fucking fridge, you silly cunt."
who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!!"
"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said. "Fuck off" he shouted back. "What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.
"Surely it's not going to rain today?"
She said "it will, and don't call me Shirley"
...Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.
I was in the women's bathroom.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is..
Him: "What's the only mammal that can breathe under water?"
Me: "I dunno, what?"
Him (loudly): "An elephant sticking his trunk up!"
Now you can legally blow the cartridges.
But on the other hand I am completely fine.
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Dave...
That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I now have $999,999.75
I said "Hey Denzel! Can I get a picture with you?"
And he's all like "I'm not Denzel Washington you racist piece of shit."
Classic Denzel.
It replied, "It is and don't call me Shirley!"
Guess I forgot to take my phone off Airplane modeβ¦
1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10
----
I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
^([I stole this from imgur comments, but I am posting it here so that you can use it today and tomorrow on people you dislike. Merry Christmas.])
But it's okay, i'm self-employed
independent
So I took a shower earlier today and left my 2 year old son in the living room with the TV on thinking he would be ok. I come out 20 minutes later and he covered the entire living room in green permanent marker that he somehow got a hold of. As you can imagine, I flipped out and immediately ran to the store to buy cleaning supplies. I tried at least five different types, and scrubbed for at least half an hour but the stain was still there. Does anybody have any good methods for getting blood out of the carpet?
"What's wrong, dear?" she asks.
"Do you remember 20 years ago, when your father caught us having sex in the back of his police car?"
"I remember," she says.
"And when he told me to marry you right then, or he'd make sure I spent the next 20 years in jail?"
"Of course I remember," she says. "But why are you crying?"
"I would have gotten out today."
"But," she said, "I bought your favorite soy sauce to help cheer you up."
"Great," I said. "Just Kikkoman when he's down, huh?"
I'm very soy for that pun. I'll just wok away now.
He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
She said What's that?
I said That's when you blow me and I owe you one.
The doctor told me "your patella measures 2.54 cm"
By surprise I said "Inch high knees?"
The doctor replied "ζ«θ¨ε·2.54ζ«θ¨ε·"
My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deepthroat blowjob today.
"Really!" I exclaimed.
"No," She said, "April Foogargagggrraggggle."
That'll teach her to try and be funny...
"where have you been in the last 20 years?"
Maybe teaching isn't for you."
I said "Son, That's three schools this year...maybe teaching is not for you"
free of charge.
It was totally out of the purple
Thankyou daylight savings
The other 15% made it home.
...and my job at the morgue.
I said, "Awww, are you an orphan"?
He said, "Yes, what gave me away?"
I said, "Your parents."
Unfortunately, I couldn't meet his son.
My teenage daughter came home in a rage.
'I've just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!'
I put down my paper: 'Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.'
It's cool though, she said we can still be cousins.
The government reveals their new logo today, on a black background sit a magnificent image of a condom.
I guess it makes sense, seeings as how a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while being screwed.
I need to start sleeping with my mouth closed.
She said hello and I was rather taken aback because I couldn't place where I knew her from.
So I asked, "Do you know me?"
To which she replied, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now. my mind traveled back to the only time I have ever been unfaithful to my wife and I said, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into my eyes and said calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
But today I turned 20
I wish i could post this in a different sub.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
He asked me to help him check his balance....
So I pushed the fucker over.
I told him, that's the last thing I need.
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.
Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex right there and then.
God, I love my new Taser...
My son's 4 but he's been pretty annoying until now
She said no both times.
..."Well Im your man" I replied,"In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible"
She came over and said hi to me and I was taken aback because I couldn't recall where I knew her from.
So I asked her, Sorry, do I know you?
She replied, Yes, I think you're the father of one of my kids.
My mind was whirring now and it traveled back to the only time I have ever been unfaithful to my wife.
I asked the woman, Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???
She looked into my eyes and calmly and replied, No, I'm your son's teacher.
She said, "it is, and dont call me Shirley".
Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.
Apparently putting the feminism books in the sci-fi section was not acceptable.
Tuesday, Thursday, today and tomorrow
5 years ago on this very night, I found a jar of whale jizz on my doorstep. It was beaten and injured, it needed my help. I nursed it back to health and raised it like my own son.
Today it finally graduated from university and I was just so proud.
It looked at me and said
"Thank you, for everything."
I looked back at it with a single tear rolling down my cheek
"You're whale cum"
So the kid just got of school and he got into the car with his mom. The mom asks, "What did you do at school today?"
The kid replies, "I had sex with the teacher."
The mom was furious so when they got home, she told him to go to his room and wait for his father to come home.
Well the father came home from work a couple hours later and the mother told him what their son said. The dad walks up to his sons room and says, "Son, I'm proud of you. I'm going to buy you a new bike."
Later that day they got the bike and the father asks, "Would you like to try it out?"
The son replies, "Not now. My butt still hurts."
I'm never using cheap toilet paper again.
He was the guy who said, "Get up, that's my seat."
awakes to a beautiful Sunday morning after weeks of bad weather. He just can't work today, he HAS to find a way to fit in a round or two of golf. He calls in sick, and drives 2 hours to distant course so no one will recognize him. He lines up his first shot, a par 5, and lets it rip...
Meanwhile, Saint Peter and God are watching the wayward priest, and as he tees off God waves his hand and the ball flies straight and true all the way to the green, bounces once, and goes straight into the hole.
St Pete is confused and asks, "Why didn't you punish him?"
God responds "I did! ....who is he going to tell?"
It's not my fault they don't have Windows.
Today i asked a pretty young homeless women if i could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.
The look on her face soon changed when i walked off with her cardboard box.
But these are just miner details.
But all I could see was some fat man holding his dick.
Then I realised I hadn't turned the TV on.
He got really pissed off when I asked if I could burn a copy.
"Are you kidding me?!" I said, "What the fuck are you doing with this ugly loser? Don't scrape the barrel, you can do much better than this."
"Dad!!" my daughter screamed, "Mike is lovely!"
"I know." I replied "I was talking to him."
I didn't get pulled over or anything, I just showed up to work 20 minutes early.
the bartender asks the guy, "What's up bud? You look rough."
"Well," says the man, "I just found out my dad is gay and he's left my mom for some pool boy."
"Ouch," says the bartender, "here, these are on the house today."
A few days later the same guy comes in and orders another five shots. "Oh no man, what happened this time?" The bartender asks.
"Just found out my brother is gay, he's left his wife for a man he met at a gay bar last week."
"I'm sorry man," the bartender says, "these are on the house."
Just one week later the guy comes in again and orders ten shots. The bartender asks, "Man! Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The guy responds, "Yeah...my wife."
A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an erection. He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills
At least, I assume she was poor. She only had $4.75 in her purse.
At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
I called the ISPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."
"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
... so I turned it into wine.
Nobody expects the Spanish Acquisition
It would have been a hundred times better without the period.
I can't stop coming to conclusions.
Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
He plops down at the kitchen table, where his wife was cooking dinner.
Wife asks, "What happened Motek? Why are you so exhausted?"
Guy says with a huge smile, "Chooki, instead of taking the bus home from work today, I ran all the way behind it and saved $2.50!"
He was extremely proud of himself and thought his wife would be happy with him for saving money.
Instead his wife screams, "Β Ben-zona! Why didn't you run behind a taxi, and save $15?!"
An aquarium guide brought a group of visitors around to see the dolphins, which were split up into two tanks. In the first tank the dolphins were all having fun, playing around with a beach ball. In the second tank the dolphins were training, working hard on a new trick. One of the visitors asked the guide, "So is this tank for the more serious dolphins?" The guide said, "Yes, for all intensive porpoises."
Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Today? Well, here are the best jokes about Today to have fun with.