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Today Jokes

152 today jokes and hilarious today puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about today that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Need a laugh? Check out our collection of today's best jokes. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.

Best Short Today Jokes

Short today jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The today humour may include short daily jokes also.

  1. Why did it take the police so long to show up to Capitol Hill today? Because they had to go home and change first.
  2. I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask waaaay too many personal questions Like, "who's blood is this", and "where did you get it?"
  3. My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!" I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."
  4. Today I thought of a color that doesn't exist... but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.
  5. Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds? Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
  6. In 50 years: "You know, kids, back in my day, we had to wear masks everywhere we went at one point." We didn't have those fancy hazmat suit you all wear today
  7. Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full." I thought, "I can't turn that down."
  8. I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today. It's my thirty-second birthday.
  9. Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space. It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
  10. My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing... Probably because it's a Dell

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Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about today can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of today puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

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Today One Liners

Which today one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with today? I can suggest the ones about noon and nowadays.

  1. Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa Because tomorrow he turns 81!
  2. I proposed to my ex-wife today She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money
  3. I volunteered to help blind children today! That's a verb not an adjective btw.
  4. I was fired from the keyboard factory today. I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
  5. I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon today I'll let you know.
  6. My son is 2934 days old today. He was born on 12/12/12.
     
  7. I got banned from laser tag today. Apparently they frown on using a knife to save ammo.
  8. Today I celebrated my 365th day sober!! And it only took me 14 years
  9. If Christ were alive today, he'd have a huge retirement account because Jesus saves.
  10. REMINDER: If you have promised your SO that you will love them 24/7 Today is 24/7
  11. Today my son asked me, Dad are we pyromaniacs? I replied: yes, we arson.
  12. Bill and Melinda Gates woke up today and said... May divorce be with you.
  13. I saw my dad chopping up onions today and I cried Onions was a good dog
  14. Today I quit drinking for good now I only drink for evil
  15. Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls... I was in the women's bathroom.

Today Learned Jokes

Here is a list of funny today learned jokes and even better today learned puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in the water.... .....you can safely wear it on your head....because it's capsized.
  • I definitely learned my lesson about speeding today and it will never happen again. I didn't get pulled over or anything, I just showed up to work 20 minutes early.
  • Today I learned boiling water was really smart. It has like, 100 degrees.
  • Today i learned TIL that dyslexia is the same forward and backwards
  • Today I learned that "Wet Floor" signs… …are not a request…
  • I never knew how technologically advanced Moses was... But today I learned he had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
  • I learned a few things today. 1. I'm gonna be a dad!
    2. I'm gonna be an uncle!
    3. My sisters not on the pill.
  • A Dad picks his son up from school Dad: what did you learn at school today, son?
    Son: apparently not enough, I have to go back tomorrow.
  • First Day At School The child comes home from his first day at school.
    His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"
    The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."
  • Today I learned what the CIA is replacing water boarding with. Verizon Wireless customer service.

Today Date Jokes

Here is a list of funny today date jokes and even better today date puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I planned a date with this girl at the gym today, but she didn't show up that's when I knew we weren't gonna work out
  • Four years ago, I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
  • Baby Shark Today's date.
  • 5 Years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that same girl to marry me. Both times she said no
  • 6 years ago i DMed my facebook crush telling her that I am going to take her out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times and blocked me
  • A time traveler has traveled back in time to the year 1963. However, he does not know the exact date.
    He sees a CIA agent nearby and asks him:
    "Is today before or after the JF-"
    "Before"
  • Today's date is 7/11 which is convenient.
  • Today, I went out on my first date. I had to cut it short after my mom forced me to get off roblox.
  • I was having trouble dating but a girl finally asked me if I wanted to get coffee today. Sure she was wearing an apron and standing behind a register but still, my pick up game is getting better.
  • What's today's date? 10-4 Good Buddy!

It Was So Cold Today Jokes

Here is a list of funny it was so cold today jokes and even better it was so cold today puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • It was so cold in D.C. today... that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
  • I decided to become vegan today The hardest part is quitting cold turkey.
  • I didn't realize how cold it was outside today... ... until I saw socialists with their hands in their own pockets
  • It was so cold out... I was cold out today, I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
  • Was cold at the stadium today. Too many fans.
  • Today's performance of Hamilton in Chicago was cancelled due to the cold. Once again, Brrr killed Hamilton.
  • Today it was so cold in the morning that.. I saw a democrat with his hand in his own pocket.
  • I was planning on taking my little girls to the start of summer village fair today, but its raining, windy and cold so we decided not to go. May weather won.
  • Everyday I drive to work there is a nun walking to work at the catholic school down the street. It was so cold today but there she was walking again I guess she's just in the habit.
  • I had a cold call today asking about my recent accident I said "well he's 22 now and I'm rather fond of him"

Today Match Jokes

Here is a list of funny today match jokes and even better today match puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I saw a guy today with soot all over his face carrying a large pick axe and wearing a royal blue hardhat that matched his overalls. But these are just miner details.
  • Today I saw two guys on the street in matching outfits so I asked them: Are you gay? They arrested me.
  • Today I asked Google how to start the world's biggest wildfire I got 37,000 matches
  • Today I Google cigarette lighters I was shocked when I got over 15 million matches.
  • Today I saw a letter in the kitchen from my girlfriend. "Morning honey! I left your food on the stove. All you have to do is light the match, I started the gas when I left. Love you!"
  • Today I saw a man who was being savagely beaten by a group of four guys, so I decided to help He really was no match for the five of us...
  • My Computer Beat Me At Chess Today It was no match for me at kickboxing though.
  • I saw this dude getting jumped by 3 other guys today. I decided to help. He was no match for all 4 of us
  • Today was the opening World Cup match. Or as the Italians call it: Thursday
  • I went to see a hanging race today It was a close match, the two contestants were tied neck and neck
Today joke, I went to see a hanging race today

Amusing Today Jokes to Make You Laugh with Friends

What funny jokes about today you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean tonight jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make today prank.

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

Obama smoked w**... growing up, and now look where he is today

Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.

You can't imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him put his p**... back in his pocket.

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely n**....

I'm not sure what scared him more. My n**... body or the fact I knew where he lived

I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"

I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

I heard my son say his first words to me today...

"where have you been the last 20 years?"

I got a phone call from my son's school today

Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?
Yes, how can I help you?
Hi, This is little Billy's music teacher calling
Oh, hi
Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!
Really? Wow! That's..
Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet

You know when you get the urge to eat something just because it's there?

Anyways, I lost my job as a gynecologist today.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said

"I want you to try to sell this to me."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.
Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"
I said "$200 and it's yours."

Today I was asked how I view lesbian relationships

Apparently "in HD" wasn't the right answer

Hipsters

I had the joy of meeting a couple of hipsters today, and they yelled at me for making fun of them. Apparently the politically correct term is "conjoined twins".

Today my s**... friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap

He was high on my list of priorities

I bought a locket today and put my own picture in it. Guess now I really am....

Independent

My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

"I've just had s**... education in school today, Dad!
You lied to me!
You told me if I have s**... before my sixteenth birthday my boyfriend will die!"
I put down my paper: "Oh, he will sweetheart, he will.

Bumped into my ex today...

Well, the police say it's vehicular manslaughter. So, yeah whatever.

I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."

"Which doctor?", she replied.
"No, the regular kind."

I called the s**... hotline today

They left me hanging

I'm taking my wife for skydiving.

So if you see a solar eclipse today, don't be surprised.

Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...

And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
 
 
 
 

My girlfriend dumped me today saying I was too childish

But today is opposite day so it's all good

My girlfriend and I broke up today

Her: "I just need time."
Me: "Okay. Yeah, I understand."
Her: "And distance, as well."
Me: "Fine. But can I ask you one last question?"
Her: "Go ahead."
Me: "What are you calculating the velocity of, anyway?"

Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer's.

Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. We had s**... education today dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have s**... before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die! I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…

Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.

They say you are what you eat...

today I bought some ready to eat chicken and sure enough I was ready to eat chicken.

Today my son threw a quarter in the well at the mall and said "I wish my dad was dead." And because of his attitide we went home without buying anything.

When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never even seen them speak to eachother.

A man and a woman are chatting in an elevator.

"What are you up to today?" he asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20 a pint."
"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate s**..., and the s**... bank pays $100 a tablespoon."
The woman gets a strange look on her face and gets off the elevator.
The next day, they meet in the elevator again.
The man asks, "So, where you off to today?"
"Fmerm mank," she says, with her mouth full.

My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have s**...?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"

Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.

I was talking to a feminist today when she told me about the Dwayne Johnson Rule.

I'd never heard of it before but apparently in order to determine if a particular comment is appropriate to say to a woman, you should first ask yourself, Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson? If not, don't say it.
I thought this sounded like a great rule, so I told her, Your chest is epic.

A homeless guy asked me for money today

So I looked in my pocket for change, but all I had on me was a $20 bill. I thought to myself "Do I really want this $20 going towards drugs?...Nah" So I gave him the 20.

Therapist: So what brings the two of you here today?

My wife: It's impossible to live with him. He's too literal.
Me: My truck.

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

I tried donating blood today. Never again!!

Too many s**... questions. Whose blood is it? Where did you get it from?? Why is it in a bucket???

I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day. Today it dawned on me that it's not the right size so I called to cancel. They said it's too late.

That sail has shipped.

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today...

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.

A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.

A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"
The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies."

I said, "Tell him, he's b**... good. I don't have any kids

A guy sat next to me in the bus today and pulled out a photo of his wife.

He asked me Ain't she beautiful?
I said If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife
He replied with Why, is she a stunner as well?
I said No, she's an optician
Cr

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed in him

To be fair though, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him

I gave a homeless guy $5 today

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

My wife said to me If I ever get

Alzheimers I would commit s**... rather than burdening you with me"
I said "Thats the fifth time you've said that today"

My brother was murdered today

cop: do you mind identifying the body \[puts hand on my shoulder\] I have to warn you the body was hacked up.
me: \[tearing up\] yes that's my brother Reese.
cop: you're sure?
me: \[nodding\] those are Reese's Pieces.

I was going to finalize my research as to why vaccines are bad today

But all of the research sites are down.

A man walks into a brain store to buy a new brain

He goes to the clerk and says
"Hello, I'd like to purchase a new brain".
The clerk replies with "Sure, here are some of our brains we have on sale"
"Here's the brain of a physicist, 5 dollars."
"Here's our second deal for today. The brain of an anti-vaxxer, 10,000 dollars".
The man, completely confused, asks "Why is the brain of an anti-vaxxer more expensive than of a physicist?"
"Because it's never been used" The clerk replies.

The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, Surely, it's not going to rain today?

And she replied, Yes it is, and don't call me Shirley.
That was when I realized I'd left my phone on Airplane mode.

A new law

Two guys walk into a bar and order lunch. "What brings you guys in today?" the bartender asks. "I guess you haven't heard yet. The mayor passed a law yesterday to try to help out local restaurants during Covid-19. All adult males are required to go and eat lunch out with their best male friends at least once a week," one of the guys answers the bartender. "Well it's not a law really," the other guy corrects him. "It's more of a mandate."

I got my COVID test today, it says 50. What does that mean?

Also, my IQ test came back positive

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying it's their cake day, just so people can wish them.

You won't catch me doing that today.

Just met my friend on the street crying his eyes out so I asked him what was wrong

He said "Today is the 2nd of the 2nd 2022 and I just turned 22 so I went to the bookies and put €222 on the second horse in the second race of the day.. It was at 2.22!"
"That all sounds great" I said, "What went wrong"?
"He came second".

Dropped my best ever dad joke & no one was around to hear it

I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.
I said "hey look, an escaPEA"
No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!

I was almost upset that my coffee tasted like dirt today

but then I remembered it was ground this morning.

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.
Eventually, he called me on my phone and said, "Bring it back here right now!"
I replied, "£100 and it's yours."

A man sitting next to me on the bus today showed me a picture of his wife.

He says to me "Isn't she beautiful"?
I replied to him "If you think she's pretty, you should see my wife"
He then asked "Oh, is your wife beautiful too"?, to which I replied "No, she's an optometrist".

A boss tells his new employee, "I'll give you 15bucks an hour starting today and in three months….,

I'll raise it to 18bucks an hour. So when would you like to start?"
"In 3 months," the employee replies.

"You have a reminder set for 5pm today," my phone said.

"A reminder? What is it?" I asked.
"It's a notification to ensure you don't forget something, but that's not important right now," the phone replied.
Then I remembered I'd left it in Airplane mode.

Death: Jack! Your time is up. I'll take you now.

Jack: Not today please, I have a lot more to do.
Death: Oh no, you're the first on the list to die.
Jack: Alright, I'll finish what I'm doing first. Even better, I'll make you some coffee while you wait. And after I'm done, we can leave.
(Jack put sleeping pills in the coffee and when Death fell asleep, Jack erased his name and placed it at the end of the list)
Death: Woah! My friend, I slept well. You're a good person Jack, you treated me very well. Because of that, I'll just start with the last one on the list.

Two Jewish guys are walking down the street...

Two Jewish guys are walking down the street when they spot a sign outside a church: "Today Only: Convert to Christianity and we will give you 100 bucks cash!"
"I'm gonna do it," o**... tells the other and disappears through the church door.
5 minutes later he's back. "Well, Did you get the cash?" his buddy asks.
"Jeez Is that all you people think about?" comes the friend's reply.

Today joke, Two Jewish guys are walking down the street...

jokes about today

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these today jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.