Following is our collection of Today jokes which are very funny. There are some today thursday jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these today apparently puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."
Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted
Like, "who's blood is this", and "where did you get it?"
I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."
You can't imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him put his pistol back in his pocket.
I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
It's my thirty-second birthday.
She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
You can explore today classmate reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean today tomorrow dad jokes. There are also today puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
Probably because it's a Dell
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
"where have you been the last 20 years?"
Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?
Yes, how can I help you?
Hi, This is little Billy's music teacher calling
Oh, hi
Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!
Really? Wow! That's..
Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet
Anyways, I lost my job as a gynecologist today.
"I want you to try to sell this to me."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.
Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"
I said "$200 and it's yours."
I'll let you know.
"Surely it's not going to rain today?"
She said "it will, and don't call me Shirley"
...Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.
Apparently "in HD" wasn't the right answer
He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
But on the other hand I am completely fine.
1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10
----
I had the joy of meeting a couple of hipsters today, and they yelled at me for making fun of them. Apparently the politically correct term is "conjoined twins".
Now you can legally blow the cartridges.
...at least Charlie Sheen is staying positive.
who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!!"
He was high on my list of priorities
There was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yuan for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hundred dollar for yuan. Today I only get hundred eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations.
The Asian lady says, "Fluck you white people too!"
Him: "What's the only mammal that can breathe under water?"
Me: "I dunno, what?"
Him (loudly): "An elephant sticking his trunk up!"
now I only drink for evil
"What's wrong, dear?" she asks.
"Do you remember 20 years ago, when your father caught us having sex in the back of his police car?"
"I remember," she says.
"And when he told me to marry you right then, or he'd make sure I spent the next 20 years in jail?"
"Of course I remember," she says. "But why are you crying?"
"I would have gotten out today."
I sit at work today drinking Coke, doing some stuff with Excel tables when suddenly my boss puts his hand into my pants, jerks me off, and then goes back to his previous work like nothing happened. Being self employed has its positives.
I was in the women's bathroom.
Independent
"I've just had sex education in school today, Dad!
You lied to me!
You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday my boyfriend will die!"
I put down my paper: "Oh, he will sweetheart, he will.
That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Well, the police say it's vehicular manslaughter. So, yeah whatever.
"But," she said, "I bought your favorite soy sauce to help cheer you up."
"Great," I said. "Just Kikkoman when he's down, huh?"
I'm very soy for that pun. I'll just wok away now.
Apparently they frown on using a knife to save ammo.
"Which doctor?", she replied.
"No, the regular kind."
They left me hanging
Today is 24/7
Onions was a good dog
So if you see a solar eclipse today, don't be surprised.
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
But today is opposite day so it's all good
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is..
that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
Her: "I just need time."
Me: "Okay. Yeah, I understand."
Her: "And distance, as well."
Me: "Fine. But can I ask you one last question?"
Her: "Go ahead."
Me: "What are you calculating the velocity of, anyway?"
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Dave...
Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.
Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.
today I bought some ready to eat chicken and sure enough I was ready to eat chicken.
The doctor told me "your patella measures 2.54 cm"
By surprise I said "Inch high knees?"
The doctor replied "披萨卷2.54披萨卷"
She said What's that?
I said That's when you blow me and I owe you one.
When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never even seen them speak to eachother.
My wife's still really angry about it but me and Dave were drunk and thought it was a great idea
Private Smith: Thank you, Sir!
"What are you up to today?" he asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20 a pint."
"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100 a tablespoon."
The woman gets a strange look on her face and gets off the elevator.
The next day, they meet in the elevator again.
The man asks, "So, where you off to today?"
"Fmerm mank," she says, with her mouth full.
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."
Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.
Because tomorrow he turns 81!
I'd never heard of it before but apparently in order to determine if a particular comment is appropriate to say to a woman, you should first ask yourself, Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson? If not, don't say it.
I thought this sounded like a great rule, so I told her, Your chest is epic.
We never went back to Thailand.
That's a verb not an adjective btw.
So I looked in my pocket for change, but all I had on me was a $20 bill. I thought to myself "Do I really want this $20 going towards drugs?...Nah" So I gave him the 20.
Luckily, his boyfriend talked him out of it
My wife: It's impossible to live with him. He's too literal.
Me: My truck.
My parents are the worst.
but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.
Too many stupid questions. Whose blood is it? Where did you get it from?? Why is it in a bucket???
because Jesus saves.
We didn't have those fancy hazmat suits you all wear today
He was born on 12/12/12.
That sail has shipped.
I don't even *have* a coconut...
Because they had to go home and change first.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
Medicare Part C.
...no canaries there either.
It was a booby trap.
ctto
How to make a half dozen turnovers.
It's not polite to greet a blind person with long time no see
She laughed, I laughed, Siri laughed and Alexa laughed!
-James Franco
Seems my little boy got sent to the Principal's office for giving his Teacher the finger.
The school staff still can't figure out who it belongs to and how he got it.
I was complemented on my parking at the courthouse today. Someone left a note saying parking fine.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the today told jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working today earlier piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.