The Best 87 Today Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Today jokes. There are some today thursday jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these today apparently puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Today Jokes and Puns
Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."
Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."
Obama smoked weed growing up, and now look where he is today
Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted
I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask waaaay too many personal questions
Like, "who's blood is this", and "where did you get it?"
My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"
I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."
Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.
You can't imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him put his pistol back in his pocket.
I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.
I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived
Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full."
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.
It's my thirty-second birthday.
I proposed to my ex-wife today
She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money
Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
You can explore today classmate reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean today tomorrow dad jokes. There are also today puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I was fired from the keyboard factory today.
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing...
Probably because it's a Dell
I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
I heard my son say his first words to me today...
"where have you been the last 20 years?"
I got a phone call from my son's school today
Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?
Yes, how can I help you?
Hi, This is little Billy's music teacher calling
Oh, hi
Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!
Really? Wow! That's..
Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet
You know when you get the urge to eat something just because it's there?
Anyways, I lost my job as a gynecologist today.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said
"I want you to try to sell this to me."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.
Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"
I said "$200 and it's yours."
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon today
I'll let you know.
Just asked Siri.
"Surely it's not going to rain today?"
She said "it will, and don't call me Shirley"
...Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.
Today I was asked how I view lesbian relationships
Apparently "in HD" wasn't the right answer
I broke my finger today...
But on the other hand I am completely fine.
Hipsters
I had the joy of meeting a couple of hipsters today, and they yelled at me for making fun of them. Apparently the politically correct term is "conjoined twins".
The Nintendo 64 turned 18 today
Now you can legally blow the cartridges.
With all the negativity in the world today...
...at least Charlie Sheen is staying positive.
I was at my bank today and there was just an Asian lady ahead of me
who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!!"
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities
So I was at my bank today.
There was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yuan for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hundred dollar for yuan. Today I only get hundred eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations.
The Asian lady says, "Fluck you white people too!"
A joke my 4 year old came up with today...
Him: "What's the only mammal that can breathe under water?"
Me: "I dunno, what?"
Him (loudly): "An elephant sticking his trunk up!"
Today I quit drinking for good
now I only drink for evil
Boss perv
I sit at work today drinking Coke, doing some stuff with Excel tables when suddenly my boss puts his hand into my pants, jerks me off, and then goes back to his previous work like nothing happened. Being self employed has its positives.
Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls...
I was in the women's bathroom.
I bought a locket today and put my own picture in it. Guess now I really am....
Independent
My teenage daughter came home in a rage.
"I've just had sex education in school today, Dad!
You lied to me!
You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday my boyfriend will die!"
I put down my paper: "Oh, he will sweetheart, he will.
Today I gave my seat to a blind lady on the bus,
That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Bumped into my ex today...
Well, the police say it's vehicular manslaughter. So, yeah whatever.
I got banned from laser tag today.
Apparently they frown on using a knife to save ammo.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?", she replied.
"No, the regular kind."
I called the Suicide hotline today
They left me hanging
REMINDER: If you have promised your SO that you will love them 24/7
Today is 24/7
I saw my dad chopping up onions today and I cried
Onions was a good dog
I'm taking my wife for skydiving.
So if you see a solar eclipse today, don't be surprised.
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
My girlfriend dumped me today saying I was too childish
But today is opposite day so it's all good
Scaring men is easy
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is..
It was so cold in D.C. today...
that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
My girlfriend and I broke up today
Her: "I just need time."
Me: "Okay. Yeah, I understand."
Her: "And distance, as well."
Me: "Fine. But can I ask you one last question?"
Her: "Go ahead."
Me: "What are you calculating the velocity of, anyway?"
Today, when my son asked, "Can I have a book mark?" I burst into tears...
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Dave...
Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer's.
Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.
My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. We had sex education today dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die! I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…
Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.
They say you are what you eat...
today I bought some ready to eat chicken and sure enough I was ready to eat chicken.
Today my son threw a quarter in the well at the mall and said "I wish my dad was dead." And because of his attitide we went home without buying anything.
When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never even seen them speak to eachother.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend
My wife's still really angry about it but me and Dave were drunk and thought it was a great idea
Sergeant: Smith! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today!
Private Smith: Thank you, Sir!
A man and a woman are chatting in an elevator.
"What are you up to today?" he asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20 a pint."
"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100 a tablespoon."
The woman gets a strange look on her face and gets off the elevator.
The next day, they meet in the elevator again.
The man asks, "So, where you off to today?"
"Fmerm mank," she says, with her mouth full.
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."
Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"
Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.
Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa
Because tomorrow he turns 81!
I was talking to a feminist today when she told me about the Dwayne Johnson Rule.
I'd never heard of it before but apparently in order to determine if a particular comment is appropriate to say to a woman, you should first ask yourself, Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson? If not, don't say it.
I thought this sounded like a great rule, so I told her, Your chest is epic.
I volunteered to help blind children today!
That's a verb not an adjective btw.
A homeless guy asked me for money today
So I looked in my pocket for change, but all I had on me was a $20 bill. I thought to myself "Do I really want this $20 going towards drugs?...Nah" So I gave him the 20.
Today I came out to my parents, and my dad instantly wanted to disown me.
Luckily, his boyfriend talked him out of it
Therapist: So what brings the two of you here today?
My wife: It's impossible to live with him. He's too literal.
Me: My truck.
Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.
My parents are the worst.
Today I thought of a color that doesn't exist...
but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.
I tried donating blood today. Never again!!
Too many stupid questions. Whose blood is it? Where did you get it from?? Why is it in a bucket???
If Christ were alive today, he'd have a huge retirement account
because Jesus saves.
In 50 years: "You know, kids, back in my day, we had to wear masks everywhere we went at one point."
We didn't have those fancy hazmat suits you all wear today
My son is 2934 days old today.
He was born on 12/12/12.
I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day. Today it dawned on me that it's not the right size so I called to cancel. They said it's too late.
That sail has shipped.
Why did it take the police so long to show up to Capitol Hill today?
Because they had to go home and change first.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today...
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.
A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"
The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies."
I said, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids
Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in the water....
.....you can safely wear it on your head....because it's capsized.
A guy sat next to me in the bus today and pulled out a photo of his wife.
He asked me Ain't she beautiful?
I said If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife
He replied with Why, is she a stunner as well?
I said No, she's an optician
Cr
In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed in him
To be fair though, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him
Bill and Melinda Gates woke up today and said...
May divorce be with you.
I gave a homeless guy $5 today
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
My wife said to me If I ever get
Alzheimers I would commit suicide rather than burdening you with me"
I said "Thats the fifth time you've said that today"
I was born 20 minutes before my twin brother
But I set up my Reddit account a month before. So today is all mine fuckface.
An eye-rolling joke
Dad: You know who all I saw today?
Daughter: Who?
Dad: Everybody I looked at
Daughter: Huh?!
Dad: You don't like my vision joke? Too bad, that's how eye-roll ** rolls eyes **
Daughter: I'm not laughing at your eye rolling jokes again
Dad: Why? Is it too "cornea" for you? XD
Daughter: I give up, lol.
Dad: I'm still the master, you're still the "pupil" XD
Had my first prostate exam today
Doctor was very nice. In the middle of the exam he asked if I was ok.
I said "I'm fine, Doc. But how the hell are your hands on my shoulders right now?"
Today I stopped at the road-side stall that said "Lobster Tails: $2"
So I paid my $2 and the guy goes "Once upon a time there was a lobster...."
Yesterday my friend bought a dog and a cat!
Today they named the dog Curiosity
A father, finally exasperated looking at his son's failed test scores, shouted: " Son, if you fail your exams one more time today, don't you EVER call me your father again!!"
"Yes, father.", the son replied meekly.
After the exams, the son came home.
"How were the exams, son? Do you think you managed to pass this time?"
"NO PROBLEMO, DUDE!"
What is Homer Simpson's favorite part of a pizza?
The D'oh!
This one occurred to me while I was making pizza today. Yeah, clearly I'm 6...
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the today told jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working today earlier piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.