Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."
Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted
Like, "who's blood is this", and "where did you get it?"
I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."
You can't imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him put his pistol back in his pocket.
I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
It's my thirty-second birthday.
She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
Probably because it's a Dell
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
"where have you been the last 20 years?"
Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?
Yes, how can I help you?
Hi, This is little Billy's music teacher calling
Oh, hi
Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!
Really? Wow! That's..
Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet
Anyways, I lost my job as a gynecologist today.
"I want you to try to sell this to me."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.
Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"
I said "$200 and it's yours."
I'll let you know.
A man and. woman are chatting in an elevator. "What are you up to today?" he asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20 a pint."
"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100 a tablespoon."
The woman gets a strange look on her face and gets off the elevator.
The next day, they meet in the elevator again.
The man asks, "So, where you off to today?"
"Fmerm mank," she says, with her mouth full.
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
Independent
Her: "I just need time."
Me: "Okay. Yeah, I understand."
Her: "And distance, as well."
Me: "Fine. But can I ask you one last question?"
Her: "Go ahead."
Me: "What are you calculating the velocity of, anyway?"
Apparently they frown on using a knife to save ammo.
They left me hanging
that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never even seen them speak to eachother.
"I've just had sex education in school today, Dad!
You lied to me!
You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday my boyfriend will die!"
I put down my paper: "Oh, he will sweetheart, he will.
Today is 24/7
"Which doctor?", she replied.
"No, the regular kind."
Well, the police say it's vehicular manslaughter. So, yeah whatever.
So if you see a solar eclipse today, don't be surprised.
But today is opposite day so it's all good
I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!
Apparently "in HD" wasn't the right answer
Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.
today I bought some ready to eat chicken and sure enough I was ready to eat chicken.
He was high on my list of priorities
I had the joy of meeting a couple of hipsters today, and they yelled at me for making fun of them. Apparently the politically correct term is "conjoined twins".
Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.
Onions was a good dog
now I only drink for evil
My wife's still really angry about it but me and Dave were drunk and thought it was a great idea
There was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yuan for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hundred dollar for yuan. Today I only get hundred eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations.
The Asian lady says, "Fluck you white people too!"
I sit at work today drinking Coke, doing some stuff with Excel tables when suddenly my boss puts his hand into my pants, jerks me off, and then goes back to his previous work like nothing happened. Being self employed has its positives.
...at least Charlie Sheen is staying positive.
who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!!"
"Surely it's not going to rain today?"
She said "it will, and don't call me Shirley"
...Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.
I was in the women's bathroom.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is..
Him: "What's the only mammal that can breathe under water?"
Me: "I dunno, what?"
Him (loudly): "An elephant sticking his trunk up!"
Now you can legally blow the cartridges.
Private Smith: Thank you, Sir!
But on the other hand I am completely fine.
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Dave...
That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.
It replied, "It is and don't call me Shirley!"
Guess I forgot to take my phone off Airplane modeβ¦
1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10
----
I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
^([I stole this from imgur comments, but I am posting it here so that you can use it today and tomorrow on people you dislike. Merry Christmas.])
"What's wrong, dear?" she asks.
"Do you remember 20 years ago, when your father caught us having sex in the back of his police car?"
"I remember," she says.
"And when he told me to marry you right then, or he'd make sure I spent the next 20 years in jail?"
"Of course I remember," she says. "But why are you crying?"
"I would have gotten out today."
"But," she said, "I bought your favorite soy sauce to help cheer you up."
"Great," I said. "Just Kikkoman when he's down, huh?"
I'm very soy for that pun. I'll just wok away now.
He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
She said What's that?
I said That's when you blow me and I owe you one.
The doctor told me "your patella measures 2.54 cm"
By surprise I said "Inch high knees?"
The doctor replied "ζ«θ¨ε·2.54ζ«θ¨ε·"
free of charge.
It was totally out of the purple
Thankyou daylight savings
The other 15% made it home.
...and my job at the morgue.
I said, "Awww, are you an orphan"?
He said, "Yes, what gave me away?"
I said, "Your parents."
Unfortunately, I couldn't meet his son.
It's cool though, she said we can still be cousins.
The government reveals their new logo today, on a black background sit a magnificent image of a condom.
I guess it makes sense, seeings as how a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while being screwed.
But today I turned 20
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
I told him, that's the last thing I need.
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.
Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex right there and then.
God, I love my new Taser...
My son's 4 but he's been pretty annoying until now
She said no both times.
..."Well Im your man" I replied,"In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible"
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