Today Jokes

What are some Today jokes?

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

Obama smoked weed growing up, and now look where he is today

Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted

I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask waaaay too many personal questions

Like, "who's blood is this", and "where did you get it?"

My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"

I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.

You can't imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him put his pistol back in his pocket.

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived

Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full."

I thought, "I can't turn that down."

I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.

It's my thirty-second birthday.

I proposed to my ex-wife today

She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money

Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

I was fired from the keyboard factory today.

I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing...

Probably because it's a Dell

I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"

I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

I heard my son say his first words to me today...

"where have you been the last 20 years?"

I got a phone call from my son's school today

Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?

Yes, how can I help you?

Hi, This is little Billy's music teacher calling

Oh, hi

Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!

Really? Wow! That's..

Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet

You know when you get the urge to eat something just because it's there?

Anyways, I lost my job as a gynecologist today.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said

"I want you to try to sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.

Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"

I said "$200 and it's yours."

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon today

I'll let you know.

Sperm bank

A man and. woman are chatting in an elevator. "What are you up to today?" he asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20 a pint."
"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100 a tablespoon."

The woman gets a strange look on her face and gets off the elevator.
The next day, they meet in the elevator again.
The man asks, "So, where you off to today?"
"Fmerm mank," she says, with her mouth full.

Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...

And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.

 
 
 
 

I bought a locket today and put my own picture in it. Guess now I really am....

Independent

My girlfriend and I broke up today

Her: "I just need time."

Me: "Okay. Yeah, I understand."

Her: "And distance, as well."

Me: "Fine. But can I ask you one last question?"

Her: "Go ahead."

Me: "What are you calculating the velocity of, anyway?"

I got banned from laser tag today.

Apparently they frown on using a knife to save ammo.

I called the Suicide hotline today

They left me hanging

It was so cold in D.C. today...

that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

Today my son threw a quarter in the well at the mall and said "I wish my dad was dead." And because of his attitide we went home without buying anything.

When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never even seen them speak to eachother.

My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

"I've just had sex education in school today, Dad!

You lied to me!

You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday my boyfriend will die!"

I put down my paper: "Oh, he will sweetheart, he will.

REMINDER: If you have promised your SO that you will love them 24/7

Today is 24/7

I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."

"Which doctor?", she replied.

"No, the regular kind."

Bumped into my ex today...

Well, the police say it's vehicular manslaughter. So, yeah whatever.

I'm taking my wife for skydiving.

So if you see a solar eclipse today, don't be surprised.

My girlfriend dumped me today saying I was too childish

But today is opposite day so it's all good

As a Canadian I never realized how slow my internet was until today.

I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!

Today I was asked how I view lesbian relationships

Apparently "in HD" wasn't the right answer

My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. We had sex education today dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die! I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…

Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.

They say you are what you eat...

today I bought some ready to eat chicken and sure enough I was ready to eat chicken.

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap

He was high on my list of priorities

Hipsters

I had the joy of meeting a couple of hipsters today, and they yelled at me for making fun of them. Apparently the politically correct term is "conjoined twins".

Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer's.

Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

I saw my dad chopping up onions today and I cried

Onions was a good dog

Today I quit drinking for good

now I only drink for evil

10 years ago today, I married my best friend

My wife's still really angry about it but me and Dave were drunk and thought it was a great idea

So I was at my bank today.

There was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yuan for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hundred dollar for yuan. Today I only get hundred eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations.

The Asian lady says, "Fluck you white people too!"

Boss perv

I sit at work today drinking Coke, doing some stuff with Excel tables when suddenly my boss puts his hand into my pants, jerks me off, and then goes back to his previous work like nothing happened. Being self employed has its positives.

With all the negativity in the world today...

...at least Charlie Sheen is staying positive.

I was at my bank today and there was just an Asian lady ahead of me

who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!!"

Just asked Siri.

"Surely it's not going to rain today?"

She said "it will, and don't call me Shirley"

...Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.

Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls...

I was in the women's bathroom.

Scaring men is easy

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is..

A joke my 4 year old came up with today...

Him: "What's the only mammal that can breathe under water?"

Me: "I dunno, what?"

Him (loudly): "An elephant sticking his trunk up!"

The Nintendo 64 turned 18 today

Now you can legally blow the cartridges.

Sergeant: Smith! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today!

Private Smith: Thank you, Sir!

I broke my finger today...

But on the other hand I am completely fine.

Today, when my son asked, "Can I have a book mark?" I burst into tears...

11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Dave...

Today I gave my seat to a blind lady on the bus,

That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

The sky above looked ominous, so I asked Siri, "Surely, it's not going to rain again today?!"

It replied, "It is and don't call me Shirley!"

Guess I forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode…

Hi. My name is Bill Gates and today, I will be teaching you how to count to ten:

1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10



----

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas.

I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

^([I stole this from imgur comments, but I am posting it here so that you can use it today and tomorrow on people you dislike. Merry Christmas.])

A woman wakes up to her husband crying in bed today

"What's wrong, dear?" she asks.

"Do you remember 20 years ago, when your father caught us having sex in the back of his police car?"

"I remember," she says.

"And when he told me to marry you right then, or he'd make sure I spent the next 20 years in jail?"

"Of course I remember," she says. "But why are you crying?"

"I would have gotten out today."

My wife gave me some bad news today

"But," she said, "I bought your favorite soy sauce to help cheer you up."

"Great," I said. "Just Kikkoman when he's down, huh?"

I'm very soy for that pun. I'll just wok away now.

My boss was honest with me today.

He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

I asked my girlfriend to 68 today

She said What's that?

I said That's when you blow me and I owe you one.

I had my leg x-rayed today.

The doctor told me "your patella measures 2.54 cm"
By surprise I said "Inch high knees?"
The doctor replied "披萨卷2.54披萨卷"

I gave away all my dead batteries today..

free of charge.

I found out I was colourblind today

It was totally out of the purple

Had sex for an hour and 30 seconds today

Thankyou daylight savings

85% of all Fords made are still on the road today...

The other 15% made it home.

I lost two things today. My virginity...

...and my job at the morgue.

Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb

I said, "Awww, are you an orphan"?
He said, "Yes, what gave me away?"
I said, "Your parents."

I met an Anti-Vaxxer today...

Unfortunately, I couldn't meet his son.

Broke up with my girlfriend today

It's cool though, she said we can still be cousins.

The government reveals their new logo today....

The government reveals their new logo today, on a black background sit a magnificent image of a condom.

I guess it makes sense, seeings as how a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while being screwed.

Yesterday I was nothing more than a sad, teenage virgin

But today I turned 20

I received a thesaurus in the mail today, but when I opened it all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

A man tried to sell me a coffin today...

I told him, that's the last thing I need.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today..

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.

Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex right there and then.

God, I love my new Taser...

I became a proud father today....

My son's 4 but he's been pretty annoying until now

Four years ago, I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said,"We're looking for someone who is responsible"

..."Well Im your man" I replied,"In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible"

How to make Today jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Today to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Today? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Today pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes