Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Today? Well here is a complete list of the top today jokes:
Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."
👍🏼She said "Fuck you".
So I'm pretty excited for 2019.
Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted
👍🏼She said "fuck you". So i'm pretty excited about 2017.
👍🏼Like, "who's blood is this", and "where did you get it?"
👍🏼I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."
👍🏼You can't imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him put his pistol back in his pocket.
👍🏼I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived
👍🏼Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
👍🏼I'm not sure what freaked him out more – my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.
👍🏼I'm not sure what surprised him most: my nudity, or the fact that I know where he lives.
👍🏼The teacher asked me "If I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Claire and $5 to Laura, what would you have?"
Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn't the answer...
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
👍🏼It's my thirty-second birthday.
👍🏼She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money
👍🏼and I couldn't help but admire it. Nice car, I said as he got out. Well, he said, noticing my admiring looks, Work hard, put the hours in, and I'll have an even better one next year. (Credit The Joke Cafe https://thejokecafe.com)
👍🏼It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
👍🏼I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
👍🏼Probably because it's a Dell
👍🏼I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
👍🏼I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."
"where have you been the last 20 years?"
👍🏼Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?
Yes, how can I help you?
Hi, This is little Billy's music teacher calling
Oh, hi
Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!
Really? Wow! That's..
Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet
Anyways, I lost my job as a gynecologist today.
👍🏼"I want you to try to sell this to me."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.
Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"
I said "$200 and it's yours."
Stupid fireman.
👍🏼I'll let you know.
👍🏼She said, "it is, and dont call me Shirley".
Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.
A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an erection. He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills
👍🏼I called the ISPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."
"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
..."Well I'm your man" I replied,"In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible"
👍🏼A man calls his boss and tells him he won't be coming in to work today because he's not feeling well. The boss says, "Well we really need you today. Whenever I'm feeling sick I tell my wife to give me a blow job. Works every time. Why don't you try that and then see how you feel."
He calls back an hour later and says, "Just letting you know, I'm on my way to work. I feel great now. And by the way, you have a nice house."
It improved my outlook.
👍🏼...RIP.
👍🏼As i handed my mom her 50th birthday card today she said " One would've done"
👍🏼As he got out of the car, I said to him "wow, that's a nice car!" He notices my admiration and says "Well, you know what? If you work hard, and put in the hours, I'll have an even better one next year."
👍🏼I said "That's the last thing I need"
👍🏼Looks like he was trying to bust a move.
👍🏼Although from the reaction I got, I think the newsstand owner would have preferred money
👍🏼The doctor says: "I'm sorry sir I'm very busy today. You'll have to be a little patient."
👍🏼I was in the elevator when this busty lady got in. I was staring at her boobs, when she said, "Would you please press one." So I did.
Instead of saying "Black paint" I now have to say "Jamal please paint"
👍🏼The other day, my professor asked me what I'd name my dog if I got one.
I said, well I'd name him Grandpa.
That way, when people asked how my day was, I can say things like:
Oh man, I forgot to feed Grandpa today.
I feel bad for leaving Grandpa outside last night.
Grandpa pooped in the living room again.
I had to put grandpa down today.
Grandpa ran away again.
I caught Grandpa humping my friend's leg again.
And people who don't know me, won't know what I'm talking about.
A young man walks into a bar, orders five shots of whisky, and quickly downs them all.
The bartender says, "Whoa there buddy. That's a lot of shots. What's going on?"
The man replies, "First blowjob today."
The bartender says, "Well congratulations! I'll tell you what, have another drink. It's on me."
"No thanks." says the man, "If the first five didn't get the taste out of my mouth, I doubt the sixth is going to do much."
Just today, I had to explain to someone that there is a vas deferens between a testicle and a penis.
👍🏼Apparently nursing homes have strict rules about what you can do with patients.
👍🏼... there was a short queue. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
I'd have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality.
👍🏼My teenage daughter came home in a rage.
'I've just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!'
I put down my paper: 'Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.'
You've red some of the best today jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about today. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty today gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !
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