Today Date Jokes
97 today date jokes and hilarious today date puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about today date that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Today Date Short Jokes
Short today date jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The today date humour may include short calendar date jokes also.
- I planned a date with this girl at the gym today, but she didn't show up that's when I knew we weren't gonna work out
- Four years ago, I asked the girl of my dream out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
- 5 Years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that same girl to marry me. Both times she said no
- 6 years ago i DMed my facebook crush telling her that I am going to take her out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times and blocked me
- A time traveler has traveled back in time to the year 1963. However, he does not know the exact date.
He sees a CIA agent nearby and asks him:
"Is today before or after the JF-"
"Before" - Today, I went out on my first date. I had to cut it short after my mom forced me to get off roblox.
- I was having trouble dating but a girl finally asked me if I wanted to get coffee today. Sure she was wearing an apron and standing behind a register but still, my pick up game is getting better.
- In honor of today's date (May the 4th be with you) I came up with a Star Wars joke Did you hear about the new Jedi beer?
It's Force Ale. - 5 years ago, I messaged a random person on Facebook, asking for a date. Today, I asked them to marry me. They said no both times.
- It's very strange that today is a Wednesday. Because I looked at the date, and it's clearly a Twos-day.
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Today Date One Liners
Which today date one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with today date? I can suggest the ones about date and today match.
- Baby Shark Today's date.
- Today's date is 7/11 which is convenient.
- What's today's date? 10-4 Good Buddy!
- Are you today's date? Because you're 1/10, bye.
- Hey Mitch Hedberg, what's the date today? Just press 2 for a while!
- How would a dinosaur find its mate today ? with carbon dating
- What's today's date? Germany/Brazil/2016
- Today's date: 4/9/16 2 squares/3 squares/4 squares 4/9/16
- Baby, are you today's date? Because you're 11/10.
- Yesterday I had a date! Today I will have a grape.
- If tomorrow is not the due date Today is not the do date
- Today my friend went on a blind date He is ugly
But good for him
She couldn't tell. - Girl, are you today's date? Because so far, you've been nothing but work.
- Chuck: 'hey Jim, what's the date today?' Jim: 'ERROR 4/04 DATE COULD NOT BE FOUND
- A soldier comes up and asks me what today's date is. I say "October fourth". He says 10-4
Great Today Date Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends
What funny jokes about today date you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean today learned jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make today date pranks.
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the backseat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years!" "I remember that too," she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today!"
I don't think it's rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today's newspaper.
Happy Valentines Day, who's your date today, your mom?
The Polite Way to Pee
a friend sent this to me on whatsapp today.
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite'
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 😶
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?
Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.'
The teacher fainted...
Saw some great soviet jokes on here. Here's one from President Reagan...
Buying a car in the Soviet Union is not quite so easy as buying a car in the United States. There's a terrible automobile shortage so you have to pay the money up front and then wait, sometimes many years, until a car is made available to you.
On one occasion, at the height of the shortage, a man went down to his local dealership to buy a car. After he had accepted the man's money and the paperwork had been signed, the dealer informed the man that his car would be ready in 10 years and that he could come back then and pick it up.
Taking note of the date, the man turned to leave but paused on his way out the door and asked, "morning or afternoon?"
"It's 10 years from now, what difference does it make?" replied the dealer.
"Well, I'm busy in the morning." said the man.
Confused, the dealer asked, "what could you possibly have planned for the morning ten years from today?"
"The plumber's coming to fix my sink," replied the man.
Great date last night
Last night, I went out with a great guy. Things were going well,but in the end, we both had to part ways. I said my goodbyes and went home on foot. Today, I woke up to a text from him.
"I followed you last night."
Perplexed, I replied :"Oh cool. How did you know my Twitter though?"
"What's Twitter?"
My run today was like my last date.
Short, slow, and frigid.
My Internet went on a date today
He's going after that gache
You are probably grinning at the date today.
I went on a date today
What is the date in Germany/Brasil today?
7-1.
(world cup)
Apparently The Hulk's blind date went well.
I asked him about it today and he just said "Hulk Smash."
Are you today's date?
Cause you're a 10/10/2015 = 1/2015 = 0.00049627791 = pretty much nothing.
What date is it today?
2nd April.
Ha!! April fool!
I found out today it's OK to date a nun....
You just can't get in the habit!
Today is the only day out of the year
I wouldn't mind if people asked me the date just so I can respond with "10/4 buddy"
My friend and I like to talk by radio...
Today, I asked him to tell me what the date is.
He responded: "10-4, buddy"
How to get a date with a Clinton supporter today...
Baby, want a tissue?
Don't kiss today
You're going to fast, it's only the first date
Hey girl, are you today's date?
Because you're 2/10.
After getting divorced,
I met a g**... a first date
Girl: where were you before?
Me: i was in jail, i just came out after doing 10 years.
Girl: why? What crime did you commit?
Me: I committed a marriage.
** today is my 10th anniversary and i just created this joke**
I went on my very first date today...
...we were enjoying a lovely dinner while talking about our lives, until she excused herself to use the washroom. It's remarkable how women can stay in there for two hours!
Can I .. ?
A man walked into a newspaper office with an ad saying:
'Man seeks woman to date.'
He was asked: "Do you want to insert it today?"
Man: "Sure, but I can't write that in the ad, can I?"
Are you today's date?
Because your 7/10
Are you today's date
Bc you are 8/10
I buried my wife today. This date is going to be hard to handle every year.
The date of her death will probably harder though...especially coming only a day, or at most two, later.
I met two m**... heads at a restaurant today.
They were speed dating
Did anyone else get the 4-11 on today's date?
Sorry, last minute Dad joke before the day was over.
What a lovely date today.
MAY the FORTH be with you
I bought an eraser costume for my date today.
Nothing can go wrong.
I have been abducted by aliens searching for people with Alzheimer's.
When I woke up, the first thing they asked me was which date is today. I'm afraid "how did I get here" was not a good answer.
Are you today's date?
Because you're a perfect 5/7.
Today's date?
07-07-🏴🇸🇪18
Convo at work today hurt my feelings
Coworker: Now Florence, that's my kind of girl. (He's referring to the hurricane)
Me: I hear dating her is a breeze
Coworker: go away
Are you todays date?
'Coz you're 01/10.
I was in class today...
I asked someone what the date was for my paper,
They said 10-2
I said the date bro not the time...
Private!! Figure out what today's date is!
Ten four, sir!
Is today's date 10/5?
10-4
Hey, are you today's date??
Cause you're ten outta ten!
Are you today's date?
Because you look like a delicious fruit indigenous to the fertile crescent region
Wise words to live by
If tommorow is not the due date,
today is not the do date.
Hey are you today's date?
You exceeded my expectations
Twelve years ago I asked my girl friend of my dreams out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me !
She replied with smiling no both times..
Are you today's date?
Because you're an 11 out of 2018.
Seriously, have you considered wearing a paper bag over your head?
Me: You're today's date
She: What?
Me: You're a solid 11/11
She: What kind of a rating scale is out of 11?
Me: I... I had cold feet on 10th October
When you don't remember what's today's date Just simply go through comments on some old music videos on YouTube and i promise you will get it
So today I took molly...
...On a date for the first time. Cool girl, will see her again.
I Have Money For Days!
A man goes to his bank to withdraw some money. He sees there is a new, smoking hot teller. He thinks 'I'll ask her out on a date'. He proceeds to walk up to her and starts to talk to her.
Hey beautiful.
*giggles* Well hello sir! What can I do for you today?
I'd like to withdraw some money for a date tonight.
She checks his account information. Well, who happens to be the lucky lady?
I was hoping it would be you?
She giggles again and says I don't think so, sir.
Why not? I have money for days!
Three days, if we're being exact.
Four years ago, I asked her out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me.
She said no both times.
5 years ago, you asked a beautiful woman out on a date. Today, you asked for her hand in marriage.
She said no both times.
10 years ago today, I asked my high school sweetheart out on our first date. Today, I asked her to marry me.
Both times she said no :(
A woman woke up in the middle of the night and found that her husband wasn't there beside her.
She went downstairs and found him sitting in the kitchen, drinking coffee and looking thoughtful.
"Honey, what's wrong?, she asked.
He replied, "Well do you remember when we were dating?"
"Yes"
"And do you remember the first time we had s**...?"
She smiled and answered, "Of course."
"And you remember how your Dad caught us."
She laughed and replied, "Oh god, yeah!"
"And since I was 18 and you were 17 how he threatened to send me to jail for twenty years if I didn't marry you?"
"Uh huh. What of it?", she asked.
He let out a sad sigh, "I would have gotten out today..."
A man walked into a newspaper office with an ad saying: 'Man seeks woman to date.'
He was asked: "Do you want to insert it today?"
Man: "Sure, but I can't write that in the ad, can I?
I asked my date to meet me at the gym today.
She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't going to work out.
I'll e**... myself out.
Nine years ago I asked the girl of my dreams on a first date.
Today I finally asked her to marry me. She said no you creepy w**... , both times.
The cheap date
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "My girlfriend keeps complaining how cheap I am, so today out of the blue I surprised her by taking her out for drinks and cookies and pie," he tells the bartender. "Was she surprised?" the bartender asks. "I definitely think so," the guy replies. "Turns out it was the first time she's given blood."
At the checkout counter, I asked the cashier, "Ma'am, this has today's date. Can I get a discount?"
"Oh come on, do you want to buy the newspaper or not?"