Tobacco Jokes

40 tobacco jokes and hilarious tobacco puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about tobacco that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Check out this hilarious collection of jokes about tobacco, from pipe-smoking to nicotine addiction to chewing tobacco. With jokes about cigarette addicts and chaps, this article is sure to have you in stitches. Read on for some hilarious tobacco-filled quips!

Quick Jump To

Funniest Tobacco Short Jokes

Short tobacco jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The tobacco humour may include short cigarette jokes also.

  1. My best friend tried to hide his drug dealing through a fake tobacco company and glass manufacturer. It was all just smoke and mirrors.
  2. I once knew a rapper who used cannabis infused citrus as chewing tobacco He spat some dope limes
  3. If you see a Kentucky man driving down the road... How can you tell if he's married? If he's married there'll be tobacco juice down both sides of the car.
  4. If I ever ran a tobacco company... ... I'd name my cigarettes "heretics". So anyone could burn his own heretic every single day.
  5. How can you tell if a good ole boy from North Carolina is married? There are tobacco spit stains on BOTH the doors of his truck.
  6. Did you hear about the guy who tried to enter the chewing tobacco competition? He ended up being the first ones out because he bit off more than he could chew
  7. Apparently Bill Clinton is so sure that Hillary is going to win that he stopped at the tobacco store and bought a box of cigars. He has interviews scheduled for his new interns all day.
  8. Why was the department of alcohol tobacco and firearms created? To regulate the 3 leading causes of death in rural America.
  9. Columbus Day is a really sore subject for me. It's so hard for me to honor the holiday while ignoring one of the biggest crimes in human history... The introduction of Tobacco into western society.
  10. How near was the boy to his dad's tobacco stash before getting busted? Close... but no cigar.

Share These Tobacco Jokes With Friends

Tobacco One Liners

Which tobacco one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with tobacco? I can suggest the ones about cigar and cigarette smoking.

  1. I'm not saying my wife is ugly but... Years of chewing tobacco has discoloured her tooth
  2. OC (I hope) Did you hear about the guy who died chewing tobacco? He had diphtheria.
  3. I want to open a Christian tobacco store. I'm going to call it Holy Smokes.
  4. What do you call a train that has a tobacco addiction? A chew-chew train.
  5. Tobacco causes cancer Alcohol causes dancer
  6. I like my women like I like my old timey tobacco pipes Curvy and remind me of grandpa.
  7. My hands are too small to smoke cigars I blame big tobacco
  8. World'z no tobacco day So give it up, give it, give it to me now!
  9. Quitting tobacco is not that hard I do it several times a year
  11. To be blunt I'm gonna need some tobacco leaf and some m**...

Chewing Tobacco Jokes

Here is a list of funny chewing tobacco jokes and even better chewing tobacco puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why are cowboys uncircumcised? So they have a place to put their chewing tobacco when they eat.
  • There's a gay rights group suing the tobacco companies. Because they only sell straight-cut chew.
  • Why does a girl who uses chewing tobacco give the best head? Because she's knows what to spit and what to s**....
  • Why aren't r**... circumcised? They need a place to put their chewing tobacco while they eat.
Tobacco joke, Why aren't r**... circumcised?

Rib-Tickling Tobacco Jokes that Bring Friends Together

What funny jokes about tobacco you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean smoking jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make tobacco pranks.

Tobacco companies kill their best customers

And c**... companies kill their future customers.

An old man is eating some breakfast at a diner when three bikers walk in.

The first biker puts out his cigarette in the old man's pancakes.
The second biker spits out his tobacco in the old man's coffee.
The third biker takes the entire meal and shoves it off the table.
The old man, without saying so much as a word, gets up, pays the waitress, and exits the diner. The bikers laugh and sit at the old man's table. "Not much of a man, was he?" says one of the bikers.
"Not much of a driver either," says the waitress. "That man just drove his 16-wheeler over three bikes."

A man walked into a Walgreens and asked where the tampons were.

Cashier: "Aisle 5."
Minutes later the man returned with a bag of cotton b**... and some string.
Cashier: "I thought you were buying tampons."
Man: "I was, and then I got to thinking about something. The other day I asked my wife to pick me up some cigarettes while she was out, and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers. Her reasoning was that it was just SOOO MUCH CHEAPER. So the way I figure it, if I have to roll my own, then so does she."

I just found out The Spice Girls were paid off by the tobacco industry to hide subliminal pro-smoking messages in their songs.

I couldn't believe it, so I put on one of their records, and it made me really really really want a cig or cigar.

A woman goes to a new dentist for the first time.

When she sees his name on the diploma, she thinks she must've gone to high school with this guy. Then she sees him and thinks it couldn't possibly be the same guy. This overweight, balding guy with wrinkles on his face and tobacco stains down the front of his shirt. But she sits in the big chair and asks him where he went to high school and when he graduated. He tells her.
"Why do you ask?"
"Well, I think we were in school together."
"Really? What did you...uh...what did you teach?"

Police nearly apprehended a drug dealer selling c**... in a tobacco store.

They were close, but no cigar.

A man goes in a tobacco shop...

and asks for a packet of cigarettes. The owner gives him one with the following warning label:
"Smoking causes erectile dysfunction".
So the man says:
"Whaaaat!!! Take that back and give me one with lung cancer! "

r**... wisdom

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna  divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."
Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over; women like that are hard to find."

How do you tell a r**... is married?

There are tobacco spits on either side of his pickup truck.

A tobacco shop burned down last week.

It was a slow burn. A little earthy, but nice overall.

Tobacco joke, To be blunt