Tired Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

If you run in front of a car you'll get tired...

But if you run behind the car you'll get exhausted

I'm tired of all these forced gender neutral terms

The girl I'm going out with insist on calling me just friend instead of boyfriend

A man and a woman who had never met find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they
were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and
she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,……….

Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.

I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,…… let's pretend that we're married.

Wow! That's a great idea! , he exclaimed.

Good , she replied. Get your own fucking blanket.

After a moment of silence.....he farted.

I wish I could see what it was like to be fat for just one day.

I'm tired of being fat every day.

Why do the guards around Big Ben always look so tired?

Because they're working around the clock.

I found a cure for my wife's insomnia...

All I have to do is express a desire to have sex with her and immediately she is too tired to do anything but sleep.

Never make fun of a fat girl with a lisp, she's probably thick and tired of it.

Don't make fun of fat people with lisps...

They're thick and tired of it

Im sick and tired of people calling America the stupidest country in the world

Personally I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world

A boy walks in on his dad masturbating...

He asks him, "Daddy what are you doing?"

His dad responds, "Don't worry son, you'll be doing it soon."

The boy then asks, "Why's that daddy?"

His dad answers, "Because my arms getting tired.."

Did you hear that Auschwitz had to ask visitors to stop playing Pokemon Go?

They got tired of people pretending to be Ash.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stuck on an island

The redhead tries to swim back to land, gets a quarter of the way there, gets tired, and swims back.

The brunette decides to try, swims a third of the way there, gets tired, and swims back.

Finally the blonde tries, swims half of the way there, gets tired, swims back.

Little Billy comes home early from school, only to find his Dad masturbating in the living room...

As Billy is quite young, he is shocked and confused at what he is seeing. His Dad tries to explain:
"Don't be scared, Billy. I'm not hurting myself, I'm doing something completely normal. In fact, you are going to start doing it pretty soon as well."
"Why is that, Dad?", young Billy asks.
"Because, son, my hand is getting tired and I need someone to take over."

Why have sumo wrestlers began shaving their legs?

They were getting tired of being mistaken for feminists

Taste the soup

A guy eating in a restaurant calls the waiter.
-Please taste the soup.

The confused waiter asks:
-Is the soup too hot?
-Just taste the soup...

-Is the soup too cold?
-Taste the soup.

-Is there a fly in the soup?
-Taste the soup!

The waiter, tired of guessing, gives up.
-Alright, alright, I'll taste the soup. Where's the spoon?
-Aha!

I'm sick of tired of people soaking my floor with their wet umbrellas when they come over to visit.

I think it's time to make a stand.

My girlfriend thinks I'm cheating on her, and I'm getting tired of it.

She sounds just like my wife

I tired to force feed my child...

After a while my wife just said Use a fucking spoon, you're not a Jedi

I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.

I tried it once and I killed a cyclist.

An old lady was tired of her hard life and wanted to commit suicide.

She decided the best way to die was to shoot herself through the heart, but she doesn't know where the heart is. So she called her doctor and asked.

The doctor told her the heart is located 2 inches below the left nipple.

The old lady hung up and shot herself in her knee.

I'm getting a little tired of these people coming to my door telling me I need to be "saved" or "I'll burn"...

Stupid firefighters.

Why didn't the bike go to the car show?

Because he was two tired.

My wife was dying...

I was by her bedside.

She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said, "there's nothing to confess. Everything's alright."

"No I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father."

"I know," I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you."

Why did the woman divorce the grape?

She was tired of raisin' kids.

My wife was dying..

I was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice "there's something i must confess."
"Sshh" i said. "There's nothing to confess. Everything's alright."
"No. I must die in peace. I fucked your Brother, your best friend, his best friend and your Dad!"
"I know." I whispered. "That's why i poisoned you, you cunt. Now shutup and fucking die!"

I was tired and bored one night, so I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, What'll you have? I said, Surprise me.

He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

Why do you never tease a fat girl with lisp?

Because she's thick and tired of it.

Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go round the earth for 24 hours, so they called it a day.

I'm sorry.

Two scientists walk into a bar The first one says I'll have some H2O. The second one says, I'll have some H2O too.

The bartender pours them both hydrogen peroxide because he's tired of their bullshit every day

I'm tired of seeing "Hey OP, I banged your mom" comments every time I post a submission....

I never should have given dad my username.

My friend is pretty sick and tired of PC culture

I tried to console him but he didn't want his hand held

Why should you never make fun of a fat person with a lisp?

Because he's thick and tired of it

Foreign Sex

A man decides he wants to have a one night stand with a foreign girl. So he meets a girl they go to the bedroom. After the first round, the man says to her, You finish? The girl shakes her head, no. So they do it again. Now the man is really tired. So he says, You finish? Again, she shakes her head. So they do it again. By now, the man is exhausted. So he says to the girl, You finish? The girl answers, No, I Norwegian .

The vet told me "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to put your dog down."

"Oh God!" I said. "WHY?!"

"Because my arms are getting tired."

I'm getting tired of all the sexual comments about my skirt...

"Slut"

"You don't leave a lot to fantasize about"

"Why couldn't you just have worn something under your skirt?"

"Dude your balls are visible"

God asked Adam to name the animals

Adam began to invent names, Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig…

Then God said, You must name the sea animals, too

Adam was tired already, so he said, Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…

My wife says if this post gets thousand upvotes, we can do anal.

I'm tired of the other posts. It's me in her.

Which is better exercise, chasing a car or running away from one?

Chasing a car. After running from a car you'll just be tired, but after chasing one you'll be exhausted.

I'm sick and tired of these millennial weathermen...

In my day, only the raining champion got an award, but nowadays everyone wants a precipitation trophy.

An alterboy walks in while a priest masturbating.

The priest said don't look so shocked son ... you will be doing this soon.

Why is that Father?

Because my arm is getting tired.

My friend believes The Office is the best television show, and belittles anyone that thinks otherwise

I'm so tired of these Dwight Supremacists

Why can't a bike stand on its own?

Because it's two tired.

Two drunks are crawling on the railroad.

One says "I'm tired of climbing this ladder, when's our floor already?"

"No worries, I see an elevator coming."

Why are soldiers always so tired on April 1st?

Because they have just finished a 31 day March.

My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market, so I went and looked around and couldn't find any. I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and asked, These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?

The produce guy looked at me and said, No. You'll have to do that yourself.

I hate the reasons girls come up with to avoid sex

"I'm tired, I've had a long day, I have a headache, I'm your sister"....

If you stand in front of a car, you get tired.

If you stand behind a car, you get exhausted.

I live with my wife in a two story house...

"I'm too tired" and "I have a headache" are the only two stories I hear...

My favorite blonde joke.

A blonde was tired of all the abuse she received because she was blond so she decided to hang herself on a tree in a field.

A man walked by and saw what was happening, approached her he asked, "What are you doing?"

She replied, "I'm going to kill myself because I can't take the abuse anymore."

The man, confused, said, "Why are you hanging by your feet? Aren't you supposed to tie the rope around your neck."

She said, "I tried that but I couldn't breathe."

The doctor gave me a Rorschach test and asked, "what do you see?"

I answered, "I see an old, sad, overworked man, tired of doing the same thing over and over, only visited when others need something from him, and never being appreciated enough".

"I appreciate your honesty", said the doctor, "but I meant, what do you see *on the picture*?

Are you feeling sluggish and tired? Constantly yawning throughout your day?

There's a nap for that!

A kid surprises his father on the couch...

- Dad!! What are you doing??
- Son, this is called masturbation, and you will soon do it as well.
- Yikes!! Why would I do that???
- Because my hand is getting tired.

You know something

If you run behind the car you get exhausted and if you run ahead of the car you get tired

A child walks in on his dad...

... while he was masturbating. The son says "Dad, what are you doing?" The father replies with "Don't worry you will be doing this soon enough." Then the son says "how come?" Then the dad says "Because my hand is getting tired."

I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex...

I'm tired. I'm washing my hair. I've got a headache. I am your sister-in-law.

Running with a car

If you run in front of a car, you get tired.





If you run in back of a car, you get exhausted.

A hat and a tie are out running

The tie gets tired and says he needs a break.
The hat replies "Don't worry. You hang around and I'll go on ahead."

Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.

"Some, I assume, are good people"

Tired?

There's a nap for that

A daughter is in a fierce argument with her father

The dad is yelling, she's inconsolable and crying. She finally gets sick and tired of it, and storms up to her bedroom.


Before entering, she lashes out at her father "Oh, and more thing: Jim Morrison is a terrible artist!"


The father, filled with rage yells back "Young lady, there will be NO slamming of The Doors in this house!"

Getting tired of these people who come to my door, telling me I'm gonna burn unless I'm saved...

The flashing lights on their trucks were pretty cool to see, though.

Confucius Say

Confucius say: Man who run behind bus get exhausted. Man who run in front of bus get tired.

A married man carries a sheep into his bedroom.

His wife is laying on the bed confused and asks him what is going on. The man says "This is the pig I fuck when you are too tired". "That's not a pig that's a sheep" says the wife. To which the husband responds "shhh I'm not talking to you"

A man asks a janitor in his office...

"Hey, don't you get tired being just a janitor?"

The janitor is taken aback. "Excuse me, let me tell you that even if I'm just a janitor, I have a kid each in Harvard, MIT, and Princeton."

"Wow," the man is surprised, "what courses are they taking?"

"Nah, they're janitors too."

A young catholic boy goes in for his first confession

A young catholic boy goes in for his first confession.


As the boy goes into the booth he asks the priest, "What are you doing father?"


The priest answers, Its called masturbation and soon you will be doing it."


The boy asks, "Why do you say that father?"



Priest: "Because my hand is getting tired.

When does a man ask for a woman's hand in marriage?

When he gets tired of his own hand.

I just flew in from the gender neutrality conference....

And boy or girl are my arms tired

I'm sick & tired of hearing these Olympic athletes say how much work they've put in & the sacrifices they've made...

What do they want, a fucking medal?

A man brings his friend home after work for dinner unannounced

When he tells his wife, she starts screaming:

"I've not done my makeup, I've not dressed up nicely, the house is a mess and I haven't had time to wash the dishes! I'm too tired to cook for both of you, and I haven't done the day's laundry yet! Why on Earth would you bring him here?"

"Because he's considering getting married"

So a man goes to the doctor...

and is told that he has a terminal illness with only 24 hours left to live.

He went home and told his wife who was completely shocked. So later, as they're laying in bed, he asks if they can make love one last time. They do. Later, the man wakes up at 3:30 in the morning and asks if they can go at it again. His wife tired and irritable says, "Well that's easy for you to ask, you don't have to get up in the morning..."

Sorry for the lousy wording

Oh, you!

A man takes his beloved, but seemingly ill golden retriever to the vet when the owner hears the words that every pet owner dreads; "Sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to put your dog down.". Distraught, the man breaks down and asks why, to which the vet replies "Because he's very heavy and my arms are getting tired."

Three blondes are walking through the woods.

Three blondes are walking through the woods. Suddenly, they stumble upon a set of tracks. The first blonde says, "I think they're moose tracks!" The others disagree. The second blonde says, "You're wrong! They're bear tracks!" The third one, tired of hearing the other two argue, says "You're both wrong! They're obviously wolf tracks!"

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

I'm sick and tired of your obsession with walkietalkies, this relationship is over!

This relationship is what? Over.

I'm tired of making fun of Mariah Carey

It's so 2016

Why was the soldier tired on April 1st?

He had just come through a 31-day March.

Why are cars faster than motorcycles?

Because motorcycles are two tired.

Stop making fun of the fat girl

Shes thick and tired of it.

I'm not proud of it but I used the date rape drug last night...

All it did was make me tired. I wasn't able to get any of my raping done.

I was tired of watching the moon rotate for 24 hours

So I decided to call it a day

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on an island

they can see land in the distance, and decide to swim for it.

The redhead goes first, gets 1/4 of the way there, gets tired and swims back.

The brunette manages to swim 1/3 of the way there, but gets tired and swims back.

The blonde is able to swim halfway, but gets tired and returns to the island.

A blonde woman dyes her hair red....

A blonde woman dyes her hair red because she's tired of the blonde jokes. One day she stops by a farm and asks the farmer, "If I can count how many sheep you have, can I keep one?" The farmer reluctantly agrees. After some counting, the blonde woman says, "there is 124 sheep in your farm." Shocked, the farmer counts them. Sure enough, there are 124 sheep. The woman picks one up and takes it to her car. Right when she's about to leave, the farmer knocks on her window and asks,"Ma'am, if I can guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"

"Thank you Lord"

Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."

A black man walks into a job office

He goes the the clerk's desk, slams his fist and says, *"I'm sick and tired of living off welfare. I want a job."*

*"You're lucky"*, the clerk says. *"We've got an opening you'll like."*

*"A local billionaire needs a chauffeur for his nympho daughter and her friends. Fast cars, champagne, and tropical resorts await you. You start with an annual paycheck of $ 120,000"*

The black man is stunned, *"Wow! You've gotta be shitting me!"*

*"Well, you started it."*

Old man and the prostitute [NSFW]

A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ years old man walking past.

She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?"


The old man said, "but I won't be able to..."

Prostitute: "c'mon man.... give it a try... "

Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his 8 incher and fucks the daylights out of her for 30 minutes.

When he's done, the prostitute all exhausted and tired says, "but you said you won't be able to...."


"...pay you" replied the old man.

How many sheep?

A blonde woman is tired of people assuming she's stupid and dyes her hair red. Feeling empowered, she goes for a car ride down a country road. Soon she sees a farm with hundreds of sheep. She walks up to the owner of the farm and makes this proposal: "These sheep are adorable, if I guess how many there are, can I keep one?" The farmer agrees, surely out of all the sheep this woman can't guess the number exactly. She looks around and replies "There are 593 sheep" The farmer is awe-struck, the number was exactly right. So the woman picks her sheep and is getting back in the car when the farmer runs up to her and yells "WAIT! If I can guess your natural color can I have him back?" The woman smiles and agrees, she already proved she's too smart to be called a blonde. The farmer replies "you're a blonde, now can I have my dog back?"

A husband, so proud...

....of the fact that his wife had given birth to 6 children, begins to call her "mother of 6" rather than by her first name. The wife was amused at first.
A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of her husband's description. "Mother of 6, get me a beer!" This type of situation rose to a boiling point.
Finally, while at a party with her husband, he jokingly said, "Hey mother of 6, it's time to go!"
The wife shouted, "I'll be right with you - father of 4!"
[found this scrolling through YouTube Comments]

A blond is tired

A blond gets tired of blond jokes, so she dyes her hair. She goes for a ride and comes across a farmer with a flock of sheep. She asks the farmer, "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" The farmer accepts. The blond guesses, "382". The farmer says, "Wow, that's correct. Pick any one you want!" She looks over the entire flock before picking one and putting it in her car. The farmer then says, "I have an offer for you. If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

George and the Dragon

A poor vagabond, travelling a country road in England, tired and hungry, came to a roadside inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.

The innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some food?" he asked.

The woman glanced at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition.

"No!" she said rather sternly.

"Could I have a pint of ale?"

"No!" she snapped again.

"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"

"No!"

By this time, she was fairly shouting.

The vagabond tried again: "Might I please...?"

"What now?" the woman interrupted impatiently.

"Do you suppose I might have a word with George instead?"

What are the funniest tired jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Tired? Well, here are the best Tired puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Tired pick up lines to share with friends.

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