Tiny Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It takes two, very tiny people, to screw, in a lightbulb.

is my wife ashamed of my body?

a tiny part of me says yes.

I got a pet newt, and I named him Tiny

Because he's my newt

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.

He asks for a coke and a mango juice for his newt Tiny.

The bartender asks Why is he called Tiny?

And the man replies Because he's my newt!

Is my girlfriend disappointed in my body?

A tiny part of me says 'yes'.

My friends and I started a business where we weigh tiny items

It's a small scale operation

I have to ask myself, is my wife unsatisfied?

a tiny part of me says yes

A woman walks into a bar...

A woman walks into a bar with her pet newt on her shoulder. She sits down on a stool and orders a beer. The barman looks at the woman and her newt and asks her, "What's his name?"
"Tiny." The woman replies.
"Why tiny?" The barman inquires.
"Because he's my newt."

I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?

Smiling, I replied, Tiny!"

My kid laughed and asked, What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?

I explained, Because...he's my newt!"

Every 4th of July, America sends Britain a locket with a little tiny picture of the United States in it. They want to remind the crown that America is still...

(β€’_β€’)

( β€’_β€’)>βŒβ– -β– 

(βŒβ– _β– )

In *da* pendent

I went to the library and asked if they had the book about tiny penises...

The librarian said, "I don't think it's in yet."

I said, "Yes, that's the one."

So..the wife and I were in town shopping....

..and as we came out of a store, three girls aged between 18 and 20 walked by, wearing tiny cropped tops and short short skirts. One of them, a tall blonde, had really fantastic, long, toned and tanned legs.

I gently nudged my wife and said "I bet you wish you still had legs like that!".

She got really upset with me..in fact I could still hear her sobbing as I wheeled her up the ramp into the next store.

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder...

The bartender says "What a strange pet, what's his name?"

"Tiny." the man replies.

"What an odd name, why do you call him tiny?"

"Because he's my newt."

My friend took his grandmother to one of those health spas where tiny fish eat all the dead skin...

It cost him $300, but it was a lot cheaper than a funeral...

I like my women like I like my marijuana...

Chopped into tiny pieces and burned to ashes without the police ever finding out.

A woman found a magic lamp on the beach, rubbed it, and out popped a genie.

"Ask me anything and it's yours!" She thought a moment and then answered, "I want my husband to pay more attention to me, to protect me, to take me out frequently, to sleep close to me, and to be more caring, even if I get a tiny scratch." "No problem." And POOF! She was a smartphone!

My 8 year old brother came up to me and asked if I wanted to hear a joke, this is how it went

Bro," what washes up on a tiny beach?"
Me," No idea."
Bro," a microwave."
Followed by about 2 seconds of me not getting it then laughing for a solid minute

How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?

You take away its tiny brooms.

A man walks into a bar, with a newt on his shoulder.

He passes the night trying to chat up every girl he sees, but sadly to no avail, since everyone is wierded out by his newt.

Finally, he sees a beautiful girl and strikes up a conversation with her. After a few moments of talking, she questions him about the newt.

"What's his name?" The girl ask him.

"Tiny" the man responds.

"Oh whys he named that?" The girl questions.

"Because he's my newt"

Is my wife dissatisfied with me?

A tiny part of me says yes..

I've always wondered what mothballs smelled like.

But I could never get their tiny legs apart to find out.

Have you ever smelled mothballs?

How did you get their tiny legs apart?

"I have a newt named Tiny."

"Why do you call it Tiny?"

"Because it's my newt."

Man walks into a bar with a salamander.

The bartender says, "Nice lizard. What's its name?"

"I call him Tiny because he's my newt."

So, this guy walks into a bar with a Newt on his shoulder

The bartender says "that's a weird pet what's his name?"

The guy responds, "oh, his name is Tiny."

The bartender then asks "Well that's a weird name, why do you call him that?"

And the guys answers "because he's mynewt!"

Last week I took my grandma to the spa

For 20 bucks they have this tiny fish that eat off your dead cells. It was way cheaper than funeral

I've just taken my sausages back to the butchers...

There was only a tiny bit of pork in the middle, the left and right sides were just pure breadcrumbs.

The butcher apologised and said that he was suffering financially, business was tough and he was finding it increasingly difficult to make ends meat.

A man walks into a bar and strolls up to the counter

Without a word he pulls out a miniature piano and a foot tall man from his jacket. The tiny man immediately starts playing a beautiful sonata.

"Thats amazing son. Where in the world did you get him from?", asked the bartender.

The man pulls out a magic lamp and sets it on the counter. "I just rubbed the lamp and made a wish. Wanna try?"

The bartender eagerly nods and rubs the lamp and suddenly the bar is filled with a million ducks.

"Ducks? I didn't wish for a million ducks" the bartender yelled.

"Ya", the man replied "you really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?"

The tiny door to the magic castle was barely big enough to crawl through. It was carved with a half-lion, half-eagle, and guarded by a fearsome raven that would only allow you to pass if you breathed on its foot...

So basically you had to huff n puff on the raven claw then slither in the griffon door.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller...

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.'

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.'

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.'

The Mermaid Joke

A guy walks into a bar and sees a man at the other end with a very small head, about the size of a softball. He walks up and says, I just have to ask, whats up with your head? The guy with the tiny head says, "I was walking along the beach alone one night and a mermaid appeared. She said that she was magical and can grant me one wish. I hadn't had any luck with the ladies in a long time so my wish was to have sex with the mermaid. She responded that she was a mermaid and it wasnt physically possible for her to have sex with a human. So I responded, how about a little head?"
Zing!

So a guy walks into a bar...

So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can't believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there's this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano.

So the guy asks the bartender, Where'd he come from?

And the bartender's, like, There's a genie in the men's room who grants wishes.

So the guy runs into the men's room and, sure enough, there's this genie. And the genie's, like, Your wish is my command. So the guy's, like, O.K., I wish for world peace. And there's this big cloud of smokeβ€”and then the room fills up with geese.

So the guy walks out of the men's room and he's, like, Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing.

And the bartender's, like, No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?

What did elephant say to a naked man?

How do you breathe through that tiny thing?

I was on vacation in Tahiti and decide to go for a one day boat trip

The skipper was sailing along islands when I saw on a really tiny one a man with a long beard, torn-down clothes and no shoes waving at us, screaming. He was very, very far and I didn't understand a word he was saying. I asked the skipper:
- Who is this guy?
- Dunno, he have been there for six months, waves at me every day.

You remind me of my little toe

Why because I'm so cute and tiny?

No, I will probably get drunk later and bang you the coffee table.

What does a blind person say when you give them sandpaper?

"Well that's really tiny writing!"

A man was hiking in a forest when he sees a big post...

"this is the gaymen forest".. he thinks it's a joke and moves on. As he walks, he sees more and more posts that say "this is the gaymen forest" and that get smaller and smaller. At a certain point, he sees a tiny post, close to the ground. He bends over to read it and sees "It's too late now, buddy! Told ya !"

the teacher and the vandal

One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

Obi-wan Cohen

Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai.
After a year, only three applied for the job: A Japanese, A Chinese, and A Jewish Samurai.

"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly.
He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor.
"Number Two Samurai, show me what you can do."

The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly.
He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! * the fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.

"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor.
"How are you going to top that, Number Three Samurai?"

The Jewish samurai, Obi-wan Cohen, stepped forward opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh! * flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around!

In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."

"Dead?" replied the Jewish Samurai!! "Dead is easy. Circumcision... THAT takes skill!"

A salesman approaches you

Thanks, but I'm not interested in microscopes right now.

Salesman: That's okay, take my business card anyway.

This text is tiny, I can't read it.

Salesman: Boy, do I have the product for you

Returning on Investment

After being away on buisness, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50. "That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

The clerk handed him a mirror.

I walked in to the library today...

and asked if they had the new book on tiny penises. The librarian responded "I don't think it is in yet." I said, "That's the one."

A rather drunk fellow on a bus was tearing up a newspaper into tiny pieces and throwing them out the window.

'Excuse me,' said the woman sitting next to him. "But, would you mind explaining why you're doing this?
"It scares away the elephants,' replied the drunk. "But I don't see any elephants around here,' said the woman
"Effective, isn't it?" crowed the drunk.

Why is it a bad idea to wear tiny shorts on a Ukranian holiday?

Chernobyl fallout.

An engineer, a mathmetician, and a physicist are hired by a farmer to build the smallest fence possible to hold all his sheep.

The physicist makes a large fence and gradually shrinks it over and over until he cannot shrink it any further.

The engineer stacks all the sheep in a specific way and builds a small fence around them.

The mathmetician builds a tiny fence around himself and then defines himself as outside the fence.

tiny pianist

An oldie, but goodie:

A man walks into a bar and sees a 12 inch pianist playing the piano. He talks to the bartender and says, "That's amazing! Where did you find a 12 inch pianist?"

The bartender replies, "Oh, I have a genie in the back room who grants wishes. Give it a try if you want."

The man goes to the genie and says, "Oh genie, I wish I had a 100 million bucks." The genie nods his head and a few seconds later there's a puff of smoke and 100 million ducks fly over the man's head.

The man goes back to the bartender and complains, "I wished for 100 million bucks, not 100 million ducks!"

And the bartender says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"

The Man with the Tiny Head

A man walks into a bar, seemingly normal sized body, but he has what can only be described as a head so tiny, it was unfit to be on top of his neck. He goes up to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Drinks are on the house if you don't mind me asking what is wrong with your head."

The man stares at him slightly and says, "I was stranded on an island, my plane had crashed. A few days in I found an old fashioned bottle and when I picked it out of the sand, a beautiful genie appeared. I still can not forget her, her beauty was indescribable. She said to me that she would grant me any wish I desired. I, of course, wanted to go home, but this woman was unlike anything I had ever seen before and I had been away from my wife for several weeks. I asked her to have sex with me and she said she was sorry, but she did not grant wishes for sex and that I had to wish again."

"So, what did you do?" asked the bartender.

"I did what any man would do." said the man. "I looked her straight in the eye and said if we can not have sex then how about just a little head instead?"

A Very Short Man

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks "He can drink?"

"Oh, sure. He can drink."

So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"

The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor!"

Did you hear the one about the tiny prisoner who went down the stairs?

It's a little condescending. ;)

A cruise ship passed a tiny, isolated island.

Everyone on board could see a bearded man on the island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is that man?" a passenger asked the ship's captain. "Why is he so upset?"

"I have no idea," said the Captain, "but every year when we pass by here, he goes nuts."

A retiring obstetrician takes the bag of foreskins he collected during his career to a taxidermist.

The taxidermist looks at the thousands of dried up bits of skin and then looks quizzically at the obstetrician -- who says "I don't know, just make something nice with them."

A couple months later, the taxidermist calls to say that the souvenir of the obstetrician's career is ready. When the OB gets there, the taxidermist hands him a *wallet*! It is beautifully made, with thousands of tiny stitches, but it's *disappointingly small*.

OB: What? I gave you thousands of foreskins! That's it?

The taxidermist grins and says "When you rub it, it turns into a suitcase!"

My Christmas joke.

One day Santa is walking through the forest when all of a sudden from out of the snow he sees a tiny Angel dragging a huge Christmas tree behind her.

"Ho ho ho, what do we have here? " Asked Santa.

The little Angel looks up and says "Oh. Thank goodness I found you! A family came to the forest and cut down this tree, but then they saw an even bigger tree and took that one instead just leaving this poor tree to die! So I pulled and pulled, dragging this tree through the snow looking for you Santa. I knew that you would tell me what to do with this tree. Tell me Santa, tell me what I should do with this tree! "

And so Santa told the little Angel exactly what she should do with that tree and that is why you still see a little Angel right up on top of the tree every year.

My girlfriend and I are both feminists.

But because I am a man, I am a tiny bit better at it than her.

Guy walks into a bar...

...and orders a drink. He's carrying a brown paper bag, which he sets down on the bar.

The bartender asks "What's in the bag?" The guy says "Wanna see?" He reaches into the bag and pulls out a very tiny grand piano and sets it on the bar. Then he reaches back into the bag and pulls out a tiny man dressed in a tuxedo. The little man sits down at the little piano and begins playing a song.

The bartender says "That's amazing! Where'd you get that?"

The guy explains he found a djinni's lamp, rubbed it, and was offered one wish from the djinni within.

"Have you still got that lamp? Can I give it a try?"

"Sure," says the man, reaching back into the bag and pulling out the djinni's lamp.

The bartender takes the lamp and rubs it. The djinni emerges and tells the bartender he can have one wish.

"Um... I wanna be rich!" exclaims the bartender. "I want a million bucks!" POOF! Suddenly the bar is filled with ducks. A million ducks.

"Hey!" complains the bartender. "I wished for a million *bucks* not ducks! Is your djinni hard of hearing or something?!"

To which the man says "You don't really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist, do you?"

Peanut allergy

We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting -- they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.

I got so angry with poachers illegally killing dolphins that I began randomly implanting some with tiny bombs.

But it just ended up defeating the porpoise.

Why can't a Blonde make Kool-Aid??

She can't fit the two cups of water into the tiny packet.

This guy walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder...

and the bartender says, that's a pretty cool lizard, what's his name?

The guy says, "Tiny, because he's minute"

Inside the paper bag

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.

He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about

9" high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting

it on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench,

which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful
Piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.

This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and

says: "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke

and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one wish... Just one wish... each person is only

allowed one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want

A million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed

by another duck, then another.

Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your

genie's' a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"No kidding!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 9 inch Pianist?"

Best Genie Joke I Know

A man walks into a bar and sets a tiny piano down then pulls out a tiny man who starts playing a beautiful song. The bartender says, "wow, where did you get him!?". The man replies,"there is a genie in the parking lot giving away one free wish to anyone that asks". The bartender shouts, "drinks are on the house" then runs out to the parking lot.

A few minutes later the bartender returns with a bunch of ducks following him. Puzzled he says to the man,"I don't know what's wrong with that genie, I asked him for a million bucks and now all these ducks are following me". The man replies,"you think I asked him for a twelve inch pianist?"

Little Nancy, 8, was filling a hole in her garden when

the nosey neighbor peered over the fence, and asked "What are you doing?"

Nancy replied, "Well my goldfish dies so I just buried him"

The obnoxious neighbor laughed and said in a condescending tone, "That is an awful big hole for a tiny gold fish"

As Nancy used her shovel to pat down the last heap of earth she replied, "Well he's in your cat"

What are the funniest tiny jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Tiny? Well, here are the best Tiny puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Tiny pick up lines to share with friends.

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