Tin Can Jokes

Eleven year old’s environmental studies essay on the effect of oil pollution:
"When my mum opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead."

Yo' Mama is so poor, her bathroom consists of a tin can and a pile of leaves.

Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum.
Chuck Norris chews tin foil.

What's the difference between people and tin foil? Tin foil doesn't wrinkle as it oldens.

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

My t**... has been sore ever since I ate that tin of beef.

I think it felt a little horse. Thank you. Tip your waitress.

What does a wife and a tin roof have in common?

You better nail both of 'em good or they'll end up at the neighbor's house.

Bad taste

"If you'd had a tin of shoe polish, you could have blackened her up and got away with it," I said to Oscar Pistorius, laughing.
Then I realised that was in bad taste. Why would he have a tin of shoe polish?

Kid looking for odd jobs comes to a guys door

"Hey mister" he starts out, "I'm looking for some work for pocket money over the holidays".
Impressed by the youngster's work ethic the man says "Sure son; there's a few tins of paint in the garage. Go get them and paint the porch and I'll give you $20"
4 hours later there was a knock on the man's door by a paint spattered youth holding his hand out for payment who says "I've finished and by the way that's not a porch it's a BMW"

What does the president of Russia call his toilet?

Vladimir's p**... Tin

Mandalorian Stormtrooper joke!

It’s a known fact that Stormtroopers can’t shoot to save their lives. The Mandalorian acknowledges it while stormtroopers pass time by shooting at a tin can. And they miss it every time.

I had a wooden whistle, but it wooden whistle.

So I bought a steel whistle, and it steel wooden whistle.

But then I bought a tin whistle, and now I tin whistle!

A woman was before a Judge for steeling a can of peaches.

**Judge:** "How many peaches were in the tin?"
**Woman:** "4 your honour."
**Judge:** "Very well you will serve a month in prison for each peach inside that tin."
From the back of the courtroom the woman's husband chimes up
**Husband:** "She stole a can of peas too."

Dad joke heard at the beach

Recently, I was on vacation and at a beach and a father and his kids were playing catch in the water next to me.
This kid who had to be about six or seven yells out, "dad, I'm going to try some trash talk. Ready? Your skills are as rusty as a tin can! Get it dad? *trash* talk?"
I was dying. That kid is going to make a great dad.

My dad found an Altoid tin in his attic and told me it was worth over $400.

He said it was worth so much because it was in mint condition.

Fog Horns

If tin whistles are made of tin, what are fog horns made of?

What do you call a charitable cookie container?

A good samoa-tin

So my mom got me a box of tin soldiers...

I smashed up my majors and tore down my generals. The dog ate my lieutenants and I lost the colonel. The sergeants were lost in uncle John's hay so now I'm stuck playing with my privates all day.

What material should you never use to create or build with?

Tin that was mined by moles. Anything you make with it melts immediately.

What's the similarity between your wife and a tin roof in a hurricane?

If you didn't nail them properly they'll go see your neighbor

I broke up with a tin of paint this week.

I'm feeling pretty emulsional.
(CREDIT TO MY MUM FOR THIS MASTERPIECE)

Nadia would be proud

She was impressed by her country's performance last Olympics, as Romania took home Gold, Silver, Bronze, Tin and any other metals they could get their hands on.

I heard the tin man joined a gym.

He has washboard abs now.

a Russian man goes to a job interview

A Russian man that has been recently fired from his accountant job goes to a job interview for a new law firm in Moscow. During the interview the man that has been reading his resume exclaims excited "sir, you have a brilliant record!" and the accountant responds "I now, I wrote it in tin foil paper"

Two men are lost in the desert

Two men are lost in the desert. They are both severely dehydrated and extremely hungry. While stumbling over a particularly large sand dune, one man spots a tin of fig-flavored altoids.
Desperate for any sustenance, he stumbles ahead and grabs the tin, but realizes it was only a mirage.
He turned to the man behind him and said, "I guess it was just a fig mint of my imagination."

Can a cardboard box?

No but a tin can!

How does the tin man apologize for being bad in bed?

It's been a long time, so I'm sorry if I'm rusty.

I ordered a tin of paint remover the other day to get rid of the design on my car

I can't wait for the de-livery.

My friend has decided to stop sniffing glue

He's now on a glue-tin free diet.

A man in the south of France today was surprised when he opened a tin of locally sourced duck when it started dancing

His canned Cannes canard can can-can!

When people find out I work in a food tinning factory they always doubt my ability to do my job.

But I can.

Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?

I think he just did it for a tin chin.

Why can't the evil elements Tin and Aluminum take over the world?

Because their plans are always foiled!

Two kittens are sitting on a sloped tin roof and start to slide down at the same time. Which kitten falls off the roof first?

The one with the smaller μ (pronounced mew).

A bomb was found in a tin of Alphabet Spaghetti at Wal-Mart today.

A spokesman told the press"We're lucky we found it when we did. If that had gone off it could have spelt disaster."

I was out one morning with my Uncle Jim

When someone threw a tomato at him
"Tomatoes don't hurt!" Shouted Uncle Jim
The next one did, it came in a tin

I bought a wooden whistle

...but it wooden whistle.
So I bought a steel whistle. And it steel wooden whistle.
Then I bought a lead whistle. It steel wooden lead me whistle.
Finally, I bought a tin whistle. Now I can whistle.

One time my ex looked into a tin of Altoids

It was ex sight mint!

I went into my local shop and said to the guy "give me a large tin of beans or else"

He said "or else what"
I said "or else two little tins"

A women is in court for shoplifting a tin of peaches

The Judge says, you are a persistent offender, I've decided I'm going to make an example of you, I'm going to open a tin of peaches and for every peach I count, you will get a month in jail.
He counts 7 peaches, sentences her to 7 months inside and asks for her to be taken down.

As she walks past the gallery her husband, who is not happy with the sentence, shouts at the Judge "SHE HAD TWO TINS OF PEAS AS WELL"

A thief stole a leaky tin of paint and is well hidden in the mall...

The police found him by following the blueprints.

Scientists say that while silicon, germanium, tin, and especially lead lifeforms are very unlikely...

But the kids In Flint, Michigan prove otherwise!

What does santa use to get into a g**... caravan on christmas night?

A tin opener

Spooning with the GF this morning...

and she says to me, "Am I the little spoon?"
I said "No, you're more like the cake tin."
Didn't go down well.

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton-b**... and a ball of string on the counter.
The sales girl says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she."

What does Donald Trump get on his nose after a**...-kissing?

p**...-tin

Why do some conspiracy weirdos wear tin foil hats with four holes in it?

To make sure 5G radiation can't get through.

A woman in court for stealing a tin of peaches....

The judge asked her "how many peaches were there in the tin that you stole"?
She replied "four, your honour".
The judge said I am going to send you to prison for four month's for every peach, take her down.
Then her husband in the public gallery shouted "she stole a tin of peas too".....

A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather.

He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $47.22. Here's your change."
Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a tin of tobacco for my dad, and a handful of my favorite candies, all for about five cents.
"Can't do that today, though. No sir-ee Bob."
"Why is that, grandpa?" asks the boy.
"Too many f**...' cameras."

Two men are sitting at a table.

o**... says, "I have ants"
The second guy replies, "Yeah, but my ants are taller than yours."
So the first guy now says 'Well, I have a tube of glue!",
To which the second guy replies, "And... I have an entire tin of it."
Finally, the first guy says "I have bread."
Unable to beat the first guy any longer, the second guy says "I can't handle that with my glue tin 'n taller ants."

My Grandad was the best drummer in the world

He used to practice 18 hours a day, seven days a week, every day of the year.
Morning, noon, and night he'd be b**... away with his sticks, so dedicated he was, he didn't even have a set of drums, preferring instead to play on old biscuit tins, bottles, anything he could lay his hands on.
He was still playing right up till the moment he died aged 86 when my grandmother stabbed him in the neck with a fork.

My nephew came to me with a look of pride on his face.

He said uncle, uncle look what I made it's a telephone. He proceeded to show me two tin cans tied together with string.
I pulled out my iPhone and said: this is what kids your age make in China.

Two friends are arguing...

"Look, I have a colony of ants!"
"Well, I have taller ants than you"
"Oh, well I have a tube of glue"
"Hah, I have an entire tin"
"I got bread!"
"Argh, you win! I can't handle that bread with my glue tin 'n' taller ants"

Two friends were comparing their belongings

The first guy goes: 'i have ants'
The second guy : 'well i have taller ants'
The first guy : 'well i got a tube of glue'
The second guy : 'and i have an entire tin of it'
The first guy: 'i got bread as well'
The second guy: 'ugh you win, i can't handle that with my glue tin 'n taller ants.'

My friends garage

I was speaking to my friend the other day about the fact he leaves his garage full of stuff completely open all the time and if he was worried about anything getting stolen.
I said to him, "You either have a massive pair of b**..., or nothing worth stealing"
He ranted about how safe his neighbourhood is and what not, anyway, in other news, I got a desk, some tins of paint and a pinball machine all for free today.

My son found a 5 year old tin of mints

I told him we mint to save them. He fired right back that they are in mint condition. (I'm so proud!)

What do you call a Russian bedpan?

A p**...-Tin