The Best 68 Timmy Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Timmy jokes. There are some timmy scotty jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these timmy little timmy puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Timmy Jokes and Puns

A ten-year-old boy called his school office and disguised his voice.

Speaking with as much baritone as he could muster he said, "Timmy Smith is very sick and he can't come to school today." The school secretary said, "I'm sorry to hear that. Who is this?" And the boy said, "This is my Dad."

A little joke my 9 year old brother told me

Timmy(brother): Hey Shane, how do you sell a chicken to a deaf person?
Me(Shane): How timmy?
He then proceeds to shout in my face, taking me off-guard
Timmy: WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY A CHICKEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Important Punctuation

So little Timmy is at school and for show and tell, he drew a dot on the board.

The teacher asks him, what's that?

Timmy then replies, it's a period!

Teacher, what's so special about it that you brought it in for show and tell?

Timmy, I don't know, but this morning, my sister said she missed hers. Mommy fainted, Daddy got a heart attack, and the man next door shot himself in the head.

Timmy joke, Important Punctuation

Little Timmy and his father are walking in the park

Little Timmy and his father are walking in the park. Timmy sees two dogs humping, and says, "Dad, what are they doing?" His father looks and says, "Oh, they're making a puppy."

Later that night, Timmy walks into his parents' room and sees mom and dad going at it, and says "Dad, what are you doing??" His Dad says, "Oh, we're making you a baby brother." Timmy says, "Well flip her over, I'd rather have a puppy"

Baseball, old one from my dad.

Little Stephen wanted to play baseball, so he went and rounded up his friends and his last stop was at Timmy's.

*knock on the door*

"oh hi Stephen, what brings you over? " ask Timmy's mom.

" Can Timmy come out and play baseball? "

" Now Stephen, you know Timmy doesn't have any arms or legs" says Timmy's mom.

"Oh I know, " says Stephen" we just want to use him for first base. "


more dad-jokes (the limb-less edition)

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?

Bob.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at your front door?

Matt.

The neighborhood kids came to Timmy's house and asked if he could come out to play. "Shame on you kids," says Timmy's mom. "Don't you know Timmy doesn't have any arms or legs? He can't play with you."

"But we're playing baseball and we need a home base."

Where was Timmy when the bomb fell?

Everywhere.

Timmy joke, Where was Timmy when the bomb fell?

Finger Licking Good

Little Timmy was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Timmy, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Timmy, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Timmy says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Timmy, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

Bury the dead!

One day little Timmy is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate. "Whatcha doin?" he asked.
Timmy replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him."
"That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor.
Timmy shot back, "That's because he's inside your fuckin' cat!!!"

Little Timmy walks in on his parents having sex

He sees his mom bouncing up and down on his dad. "Mommy, what are you and daddy doing?" The parents, obvioulsy very embarassed, are trying hard to make up a harmless explanation. "Uhm... I'm a... I'm sitting on daddys tummy to make all the air go out of it... because he's a bit fat..." stutters his mother.

"There's no use in that, mom. The maid always blows the air back in when you're not there"

Robin Williams' Favorite Joke

Guy's having sex with his wife. All of a sudden he looks over, and there in the doorway is his son, about eight years old. Kid looks horrified, and the kid runs away. The guy says to his wife, ''Well, I'd better talk to Timmy.''

He puts on his clothes and goes to Timmy's room. He opens the door , and there's Timmy nailing Grandma. The father goes ''Oh, my God!'' And the kid goes, ''Not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"

You can explore timmy mikey reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean timmy colin dad jokes. There are also timmy puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Timmy's April Fool's joke

The day is April 1st, and Timmy wanted to play an April Fool's joke on his mom.
His mom comes home from work, and Timmy rushes to her.

"Mommy! Mommy!" He says, frantically.

"What is it, Timmy?" She asks.

"Dad hanged himself in the garage!"

The mom screams, then rushes to the garage, but nothing is there. She walks back in the house.

"Nothing is in the garage." She says to him.

"April fool's!"

"Oh than-"

"He hanged himself in the loft."

Terrible Chemistry Joke

Timmy was a Chemist
But now he is no more
What he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4

Hot and Heavy

A man & his wife are in the bedroom, having sex. They're going at it real hot & heavy. All of a sudden, they hear a noise; it's their little son, Timmy. He is standing there looking shocked, before rushing out of the room. The man says, Don't worry, I'll go talk to him. He opens his son's door, only to find little Timmy going at it hot & heavy with grandma. The man, outraged, says, OH, MY GOD! Timmy looks at him smirking and says, It's not so funny when it's YOUR mother, is it?

A man and his wife are having sex...

...They are going at it hot and heavy, and suddenly they hear a noise. It's their son, little Timmy, standing in the doorway. Shocked, Timmy runs back to his room.

The father goes, "I'll go talk to Timmy."

So he goes to Timmy's room and opens the door; there, he sees Timmy's giving it hot and heavy to grandma!

The father, disturbed, says, "O my god!"

Timmy goes, "Not so funny when it's your mother, is it?"

Lassie runs up to Farmer Fred

*Bark!*

What is it Lassie?

*Bark! Bark bark!*

What's that girl? Timmy fell down a well!

*Bark! Bark bark woof!*

Right! I'll say you were here with me the whole time.

Timmy joke, Lassie runs up to Farmer Fred

Little Timmy lived in Flint

But little Timmy is no more

For what he thought was H2O

Was PbSO4

Why didn't Timmy get his parents Christmas presents?

He's an orphan.

Mommy mommy, in school they all call me liar!

Aww my Timmy, you're not in school yet.


Dad rocks,son shocked!

Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?" Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."

Little Timmy is asked by his teacher " Timmy how do you spell school?"

Timmy responds " S K O O L ".....
The teacher says " that is not correct . It's spelled S C H O O L ". ......
Little Timmy replies " Well , you asked how I spelled it"

3 Men go to heaven...

God: What would you like everyone to say at your funeral Billy?
Billy: That "I was a great father and caring husband of a beautiful wife."
God: ok, what about you George?
George: That "I was a great doctor and have saved many lives."
God: Alright, what about you Timmy?
Timmy: I want them to say: "Hey look! He's MOVING!"

Timmy was a chemist's son.

But Timmy is no more. What Timmy thought was Hβ‚‚O was Hβ‚‚SOβ‚„.

2 men are sitting on a bench in a park, filled with children. Kids are having fun.

Man 1: "Kids are amazing. Look at them, playing, socializing... so cute!"

Man 2: "Yup."

Man 1: "My Timmy, right over there, likes to play soccer with his friends."

Man 2: "Cool."

Man 1: "Hey, which one is yours?"

Man 2: "Haven't decided yet..."

Where did Timmy go during the explosion?

**EVERYWHERE**.

He had a newfound respect for life after being spared from such a life-changing event. He went to Arizona, Colorado, New York, England, then settled down in Paris with his now-engaged girlfriend.

Twelve-year-old Timmy was talking with his classmate, Lisa...

Timmy: "Hey Lisa, I'll give you a dollar if we can go in the closet and you let me stick my finger in your belly button."

Lisa: "Okay."

They go into the dark closet.

Lisa: "Hey Timmy! That's not my belly button!"

Timmy: "That's okay. That's not my finger."

where did Timmy go when the bomb went off?

Everywhere

Little Timmy wasn't the most gifted student in the class.

One day his teacher asked him to write a paragraph using the following words:

Defense
Defeat
Detail

This is what Timmy wrote -- The horse jumped over defense. First defeat. Then detail.

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up"

*Nobody stands up*
Teacher:"There has to be at least one stupid student here"
*Timmy stands up*
Teacher:"Timmy do you think you're stupid?"
Timmy:"No, I just felt bad that you were standing alone"

Ms. Smith told little Timmy...

Little Timmy was making strange and contorted faces. Ms. Smith came up to him and told him she was told not to make funny faces or else it would stay like that. Little Timmy replied, "Well you were warned"

Little Timmy walks in on his dad beating his meat

Timmy: What are you doing daddy?
Dad: This is called masturbation, son. You'll be doing it soon enough
Timmy: Why?
Dad: My arms are getting tired

Little johnny was asking his dad

J: Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential

D: Well, it's difficult to explain, so let me give you an example. You are my son - I'm confident about that.

J: How about confidential?

D: You see our neighbour little Timmy over there? He's my son - that's confidential

Timmy came home complaining to his dad that he was being picked on and called gay at school by a boy named Johnny.

Dad: Punch him in the face next time he picks on you son, I won't be mad.

Timmy: Idk, he's kinda cute.

Timmy the Turtle...

Timmy the turtle climbed the tree with a glint in his and fierce determination. Finally, standing on the edge of a branch, he jumped and flapped his little legs as fiercely as he could. He hit the ground with a sickening thud and laid there for a few moments before heading back to the tree, blood streaming down one eye as he begins climbing again.

Mummy Robin turns to her husband as she looked down...

"Honey, do you think it is time to tell Timmy he is adopted.."

A boy with swollen cheek.

Mom looks at her son and asks "What happened Timmy?".
Tim replies "A fly landed on my face in the garden.".
"Did it bite you?" asks mom.
"No, dad killed it with a shovel." says Tim.

Why did little Timmy drop his ice cream?

He was hit by a bus.

Little Timmy drowned the other day.

He was buried in a lifejacket. It's what he would have wanted.

When I brought home my first straight A report card,

my mom said something that brought tears to my eyes. She said: "Timmy, your dad and I are getting a divorce."

Little Timmy came to school dressed as a pirate...

Little Timmy came to school dressed as a pirate, when the teacher noticed this she asked him, Timmy, you're a pirate? Where do you keep your buccaneers? Timmy promptly replied, I keep them in my buccan-hat!

Dirty joke, clean joke, adult joke

Timmy played in the mud. That's the dirty part.
So Timmy took a bath with bubbles. That's the clean part.
Bubbles is the girl next door.

Little Timmy asks his friend " Does your family pray before dinner?"

His friend replies "No, my mom knows how to cook"

The morning of his birthday, Timmy told his mom, I had a dream I got a BB Gun for my birthday. What do you think that dream means?

You'll know what it means tonight, Timmy's mom said with an encouraging smile. That night, after the birthday cake, Timmy's mom came in with a long narrow package and gave it to her son. Timmy tore the box open. Finally I get a BB gun, he thought. But he thought wrong. The box was empty except for a book called The Meaning of Dreams.

The teacher asked little Timmy if he could count numbers yet.

He replied "yes, my father taught me."

"Great," said the teacher. "What comes after three?"

"Four," Timmy replied.

"Well Done," the teacher said. "What comes after six?"

"Seven," Timmy replied.

"Finally, what comes after ten?" the teacher asked.

"Jack."

Timmy Learns to Count

A preschool teacher asked her students in class, "who can count from one to ten?"

Little 3-year old Timmy swiftly raised his hand, "I can!" and started counting "one, two, three four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten!"

The teacher is impressed, "Well done Timmy! Who taught you that?"

"My uncle Bobby!" Timmy said.

"Can you count past ten?" The teacher asked Timmy.

"That's easy!" Timmy continued, "Jack, Queen, King..."

Timmy's parents were awoken by the sound of their 13 year old child screaming

They rushed into his room to see his hands and crotch covered in blood, they quickly ring an ambulance and ask Timmy what had happened, Timmy told them I was playing with 'Henry' and he spat at me, so I bit him

"Mommy, why are you pushing the car over the cliff?"

"Be quiet Timmy!", retorts the mother "You'll wake up Daddy!"

(NSFW) Timmy asked his dad:

What's behind mommy's underwear?
Dad: Paradise.
Timmy: What's behind your underwear?
Dad: The key to paradise.
Timmy: Dad, I think you might need to change the lock because the mailman has a spare key.

Christmas Break

There are 2 boys. Timmy and Bill. They just got back from Christmas break. The first boy, Timmy, says to Bill, I had the best Christmas ever! I got a new bike, new shoes, and an Xbox with all my favorite games on it. What'd you get Bill? He says, I only got a sweater. The first boy asks, Why? Bill answers, Its because I don't have cancer, Timothy.

Timmy had a hard time accepting the fact that he was gay and dyslexic...

He was in Daniel.

Little Johnny is in Catholic School

The nun teaching the class asks, "Where do you sense Jesus in your life?"

Little Susie, being a good girl says, "I see Jesus when I pray."

Little Timmy says, "I can feel Jesus' presence during Mass."

Little Johnny, with his hand waving eagerly in the air, is finally called on. Johnny says, "Jesus is in my bathroom every morning."

The nun, obviously confused, asks why Johnny thinks this.

Little Johnny answers saying, "Each morning that my Father is late to work, he pounds on the bathroom door saying, 'JESUS CHRIST, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?"

One day a teacher says...

One day a teacher says "whoever answers my next question can go home."

So little Timmy throws his school bag out the window.

"Who threw that?" the teacher asks.

"Me. Can I go home now?"

So little Timmy has bone cancer.

The Make-A-Wish Foundation people come around and say well Timmy, you can see anyone you want. We'll do our best to get them.

So Timmy says I wanna see Black Panther!

The Doctor says hold on now, you'll see him in a couple days anyways. Why don't you pick someone else?

Grandpa: what has 4 legs but isn't alive?

Little Timmy: haha it's a chair nice try gra-

Grandpa:it's your dog Timmy he's dead

A boy was asking his dad what the difference is between "confident" & "confidential".

Son to Dad: Dad, what is the difference between "confident" & "confidential"?

Dad: See, here is an example, you are my son, i am confident of that.

Son: I see

Dad: Now, you know our neighbor, little Timmy, your playmate right?

Son: Yah?

Dad: He's my son too, but that's confidential

The teacher said Little Timmy, do you believe that you have a fairy godmother?

Little Timmy said I'm not sure, but I've got an uncle we keep an eye on.

Little Timmy walks past his parents' room and hears a ruckus.

He looks inside and sees his parents having sex. His dad sees him at the door, and winks at him. Timmy walks past, kinda horrified. a couple days later, his dad walks past little Timmy's room and hears a ruckus. He looks inside and sees Timmy having sex with his grandma. Timmy looks up and says Not as cool when it's your mom, huh!

Wet joke

It was chemistry class and the teacher asks-

"Can anyone tell me the chemical formula of water?"

Little Timmy raises hand.

"Yes, Timmy?"





"Hijklmno"

Fun facts about England

Fun fact: Sussex, Wessex, Essex, and Middlesex, are all named for points on a compass, South, West, East, and Middle respectively, and represent places of Saxon occupancy. That is, Wessex means West Saxons.

But why Middle and not North, you ask. Well, Little Timmy, there's no north because no one wants to be called Nosex.

A census enumerator is working out in the country when he knocks on the door of a farmhouse.

A woman opens the door, and the man explains he's with the census and she agrees to do the interview. Eventually he gets to the part where he asks if she has children.

Let's see, says the woman, There's Timmy and Tammy; they're 4. There's Molly and Holly; they're 8. There's Terry and Larry; they're–

The census worker cuts her off, wide-eyed. You mean to tell me, he says, that you got twins EVERY time?!

The woman laughs and says Oh goodness, no! There was hundreds of times we didn't get anything!

Timmy wants a watch

Timmy notices Tommy has a new watch when he sees him in the playground. Where'd you get the watch? Asked Timmy. Tommy replied, I walked in on my parents having sex. When my dad saw me, he threw me his watch and told me to get out.

Timmy thought this was a great idea. So, that night when his parents were going at it, Timmy made his move and walked in on them mid-stroke. Timmy's dad sees him and yells what do you want!?! I wanna watch says Timmy. His dad sighed and said, Alright, go stand in the corner.

Timmy and the Doctor (translated from Chinese)

Hope I translated this ok, it's one of the jokes Siri tells if you ask in Chinese.

Timmy wasn't feeling so great one day, so he decided to go see the doctor.

After an hour, the doctor couldn't stand it any more. So he strode over to the window, cracked it open, and shouted, Hey, kid! Stop staring at me!

Timmy walked into class 2 hours late

His teacher said "Timmy! Why are you two hours late?"

Timmy said "Teacher, it was so cold and icy out there whenever I took a step forward I slid two steps back."

The teacher said "Then how in the world did you get to school?"

Timmy said "I asked myself the same thing and after an hour I gave up and walked the other way back home."

Television is bad for the eyes , a teacher says.

Jimmy: Yes, and also bad for the legs.

Teacher: Legs?

Jimmy: My brother Timmy has bad legs from our television.

Teacher: Jimmy, how can your brother possibly have bad legs from his television?

Jimmy: He dropped it on his foot!

Football joke

Timmy, the goalkeeper of the school team, is sitting on the field after a big loss.

"My boy", an old man said behind him, "I saw you play. I think I can help you"

"Are you a coach?"

"No I'm an eye doctor"

Little Timmy is skiing on a mountain with his family

At a certain point, he decides that it would be nice if he impressed his mother, so he shouts: "look mom, without hands!", then proceeds to drop the ski poles on the snow and go down.

After he manages to return on the top, he shouts again: "look mom, without seeing!" then puts his wool hat on his eyes and go down, but he crashes against a tree out of his family's sight.

Then he returns again up, and shouts to his mother: "look mom, without teeth!"

-Dad, Dad, do farts have weight?

-No Timmy, they don't.


-Then I shat myself.

Why did little Timmy drop his ice cream cone?

He was run-over by a car.

Little Timmy goes to a farm with his school

The farmer there was talking about how manure helps the plants by nourishing the soil. Timmy immediately asks the teacher to call his mother. When the teacher asked why, He said
"I heard mom saying she got a lot of shit on her hands right now".

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the timmy tommy jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working timmy jenn piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes