Times Jokes

Following is our collection of once humor and chernobyl one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Times puns for adults, dirty fourty jokes or clean frequently gags for kids.

There is an abundance of what time jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 60 funniest jokes on times. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any first time sex witze you can hear about times.

The Best jokes about Times

Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she won't think twice...

Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

I can count on one hand how many times I have been to Chernobyl.

It's 14.

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year

Today's going to be great!

I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row…

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…

Every "yo momma" joke has been done thousands of times, by thousands of different people.

Kinda like yo momma.


i went to the liquor store on my bike.

i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle vodka and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home

apparently this was posted before...i had no idea. a friend sent me a voice recording of someone telling it and i posted it ..sorry

Hooker: $10 on grass, $30 on sofa, $50 in bed Man: I'll pay $50

Hooker: You're a man of class :)


Man: Class my ass, I want it five times on grass

You've heard of alphabet soup. Now get ready for

Times new ramen

Did you know Vegetarian is a Native American word?

It means Lousy Hunter


I am Native American and this joke has been told to me a couple of times. Thought I'd share.

A man goes to see a sex therapist

"My problem is that my neighbor says he can do it six times a night, but I can do barely three"

"Please open your mouth," the therapist says.

The man, now confused, opens his mouth, and the doctor inspects it carefully.

"I see nothing wrong here, so you should be able to lie just like your neighbor."

I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand

It's seven


I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle...

I bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave I thought for a moment. If I fall off the bicycle, the bottle might break.

To avoid that, I drank all of the rum before I left the store.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home

Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer's.

Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

An average Englishman has sex 2 or 3 times a week. A Japanese man has sex once or twice a year.

This is very upsetting as i had no idea i was Japanese.

What is the most sensitive part of a mans anatomy while he's masturbating?

His ears.

Oooo! I get to say it! "Front page?! Wow! Thanks y'all!" Oh yea, and "RIP my inbox"
Good times!

Success is like being pregnant

Everyone congratulates you, but no one asks you how many times you got f**ked to get there.

My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing.

I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

If you sin 90 times you'll only be caught 45 times

Because Sin 90 = Cot 45

Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times and she won't believe you.

Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.


[NSFW] I've been 1 week in college and already had five times the sex I had in 3 years of highschool.

5x0=0

This farmer was telling me about how brilliant his sheepdog was at maths,

"Watch this," he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two, "
And the dog barked ten times.
"OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four. "
And the dog barked twenty times.
"He's very good, " I replied, but he's a little over. "
"Yeah, " answered the farmer, "old habits die hard, he's just rounding them up. "

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

Stats show the average person has sex 89 times per year

Looks like I'm in store for a wild December

Four years ago, I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

The First Rule of Fight Club...

... Is to not talk about fight club.
The second rule of fight club...
Please keep your seat belt on at all times when the light is on.

If you sin 90 times, you will only get caught 50% of the time...

Because sin90 = cot45.

These times are harder on people with disabilities.

My dwarf friend is struggling to put food on the table

Met a hooker who said she'd do anything for $5

So I had her repost a joke for me that's been posted 5,000 times in the past week

Today, me and my wife had a .69

It would have been a hundred times better without the period.

My grandpa tried to warn everyone The Titanic was gonna sink.

When everyone just ignored him, he yelled at them three more times, eventually they got irritated and kicked him out of the theater.

A joke I heard at mass

A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"

The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then grabs a can of coors light and dips it in the sink. As he does it he says "from this day on, you will be known as green tea"

I love eBay!

Sold my homing pigeons 4 times this month.

I asked my Welsh friend how many times he'd had sex...

He started counting then fell asleep.

Recently asked a friend, "What's the worst thing about being divorced three times?"

With some thought, he finally said, Well, all of them were pretty good house keepers...

How is that a bad thing? I wondered.

He replied, Every time I've divorced, they've kept my house.

When i was a boy, i had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to stay alive...

It's a good thing my brother told me about it

My girlfriend gave me a handjob using Vaseline the other day.

I came three times in the shower trying to wash it off.

A pregnant woman walks into a bank being robbed,

She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe.

15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.

Then, her other daughter walked into the room and she said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.

Finally, her son came in and she assumed she knew what he was going to say, "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?"

The son replied, "No, what? I was masturbating and I shot the dog."

5 Years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that same girl to marry me.

Both times she said no

On average, an American man will have sex

two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

Quitting smoking is the easiest thing I've ever done.

I've quit hundreds of times.

A scientist is trying to prove that all blonds are stupid

so he holds an all blond convention and randomly picks someone from the crowd. First he asks her what two plus two is. She answers seven, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!". So this time he asks her what ten minus four is. She answers thirteen, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!". So this time he asks her what is five times five is. She answers twenty-five, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!".

The wife said: "Bulls can engage in sexual activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that..."

And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow..."

A mathematician came home and told his wife, sorry honey, but I'm leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I'll be home in a few hours and I'd like for you to be gone.

He got back home and found a note that read, hi honey, I've left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you'll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.

Two prostitutes were chatting on the corner. One says to the other, "You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

She says, "No, but I've been swung around by the tits a couple times."

I went to the local liquor store on my bicycle the other day

I bought a nice bottle of scotch and put it in my basket.. I was afraid that if I fell over the bottle might break so instead of risking it I drank the bottle right there.

Turned out to be a smart thing to do because I must have fallen 12 times on my short way back home..

I've tried calling Stephen Hawking many times

I keep getting his answering machine

Two Irish men came down to give Mrs. O'Mally some bad news.

"We have some terrible news about your beloved husband, he fell into a vat of beer and drowned."
"Oh my poor Patrick" she moaned "At least he died a sudden death and didn't suffer."
"Well I don't know about that Mrs. O'Mally, he got out three times to go pee."

Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard?

A barber.

I have a condition where I spontaneously tell jokes at random times

I think it's a gag reflex.

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she wont pay attention but call her fat once and she will never forget. Thats because elephants never forget.

For a change of pace, here's a limerick; "( (12 + 144 + 20 + 3 Sqrt[4]) / 7 ) + 5*11 = 9^2 + 0"

Sorry, did that not make any sense?

How about -

>"A dozen, a gross, and a score,
>
>plus three times the square root of four,
>
>divided by seven,
>
>plus five times eleven,
>
>is nine squared and not a bit more."

How to use and 5 times in a row grammatically

A man owned a store called This And That and hired another man to make a sign for it.

When it was finished the owner inspected the work.

He discovered that the spaces were wrong so he said, The space between This and And and And and That is different. Please fix it

My boss asked me why I've already been late three times this week

I told him because it's only Wednesday

A man walks into a bar, and orders 10 times the amount of drinks as everyone else.

The barman says "now *that's* an order of magnitude!"

May the force be...

... Equal to Mass times Acceleration.

I've been in jail for only 10 minutes and I have already been raped and beaten 3 times...

This is definitely the last time I play monopoly with my dad

My girlfriend once used Vaseline when she gave me a handjob . .

I came four or five times trying to wash it off.

A prostitute goes to the doctor

Prostitute: "it's too wide, the guys don't like it anymore, I wanna make it tighter"

Doctor: "no problem, but I have to see it first"

She undresses and shows him.

Doctor: "What's this?" "What's this?" "What's this?"

Prostitute: "Why'd you say it 3 times?"

Doctor: "I said it once but the rest echoed"

You know the times have changed...

When Portugal leaves Brazil without taking any Gold.

With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...

Yes, three times in 35 years"

-Bob Monkhouse

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes