Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Times Jokes and Friends
Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she won't think twice...
Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.
Because elephants never forget
I can count on one hand how many times I have been to Chernobyl.
It's 14.
Statistics show that the average person has s**... 89 times a year
Today's going to be great!
A scientist is trying to prove that all blonds are s**...
so he holds an all blond convention and randomly picks someone from the crowd. First he asks her what two plus two is. She answers seven, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!". So this time he asks her what ten minus four is. She answers thirteen, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!". So this time he asks her what is five times five is. She answers twenty-five, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!".
Quitting smoking is the easiest thing I've ever done.
I've quit hundreds of times.
5 Years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that same girl to marry me.
Both times she said no
Success is like being pregnant
Everyone congratulates you, but no one asks you how many times you got f**ked to get there.
Four years ago, I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me.
She said no both times.
Met a h**... who said she'd do anything for $5
So I had her repost a joke for me that's been posted 5,000 times in the past week
What is the most sensitive part of a mans anatomy while he's m**...?
His ears.
Oooo! I get to say it! "Front page?! Wow! Thanks y'all!" Oh yea, and "RIP my inbox"
Good times!
Stats show the average person has s**... 89 times per year
Looks like I'm in store for a wild December
You can explore times chernobyl reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean times daylight savings time dad jokes. There are also times puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
On average, an American man will have s**...
two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have s**... only one or two times a year. This is upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.
I asked my Welsh friend how many times he'd had s**......
He started counting then fell asleep.
Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times and she won't believe you.
Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
A joke I heard at mass
A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"
The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then grabs a can of coors light and dips it in the sink. As he does it he says "from this day on, you will be known as green tea"
I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand
It's seven
I love eBay!
Sold my homing pigeons 4 times this month.
Every "yo momma" joke has been done thousands of times, by thousands of different people.
Kinda like yo momma.
Today, me and my wife had a .69
It would have been a hundred times better without the period.
The First Rule of Fight Club...
... Is to not talk about fight club.
The second rule of fight club...
Please keep your seat belt on at all times when the light is on.
I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row…
They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…
I've tried calling Stephen Hawking many times
I keep getting his answering machine
Recently asked a friend, "What's the worst thing about being divorced three times?"
With some thought, he finally said, Well, all of them were pretty good house keepers...
How is that a bad thing? I wondered.
He replied, Every time I've divorced, they've kept my house.
I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle...
I bought a bottle of r**... and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave I thought for a moment. If I fall off the bicycle, the bottle might break.
To avoid that, I drank all of the r**... before I left the store.
It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home
i went to the liquor store on my bike.
i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle v**... and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home
apparently this was posted before...i had no idea. a friend sent me a voice recording of someone telling it and i posted it ..sorry
When i was a boy, i had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to stay alive...
It's a good thing my brother told me about it
I went to the local liquor store on my bicycle the other day
I bought a nice bottle of scotch and put it in my basket.. I was afraid that if I fell over the bottle might break so instead of risking it I drank the bottle right there.
Turned out to be a smart thing to do because I must have fallen 12 times on my short way back home..
An average Englishman has s**... 2 or 3 times a week. A Japanese man has s**... once or twice a year.
This is very upsetting as i had no idea i was Japanese.
If you sin 90 times you'll only be caught 45 times
Because Sin 90 = Cot 45
Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer's.
Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.
I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle v**..., put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...
...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...
This farmer was telling me about how brilliant his sheepdog was at maths,
"Watch this," he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two, "
And the dog barked ten times.
"OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four. "
And the dog barked twenty times.
"He's very good, " I replied, but he's a little over. "
"Yeah, " answered the farmer, "old habits die hard, he's just rounding them up. "
You've heard of alphabet soup. Now get ready for
Times new ramen
If you sin 90 times, you will only get caught 50% of the time...
Because sin90 = cot45.
My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing.
I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.
A pregnant woman walks into a bank being robbed,
She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe.
15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.
Then, her other daughter walked into the room and she said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.
Finally, her son came in and she assumed she knew what he was going to say, "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?"
The son replied, "No, what? I was m**... and I shot the dog."
The wife said: "Bulls can engage in s**... activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that..."
And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow..."
My grandpa tried to warn everyone The Titanic was gonna sink.
When everyone just ignored him, he yelled at them three more times, eventually they got irritated and kicked him out of the theater.
A mathematician came home and told his wife, sorry honey, but I'm leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I'll be home in a few hours and I'd like for you to be gone.
He got back home and found a note that read, hi honey, I've left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you'll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.
Two prostitutes were chatting on the corner. One says to the other, "You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
She says, "No, but I've been swung around by the t**... a couple times."
h**...: $10 on grass, $30 on sofa, $50 in bed Man: I'll pay $50
h**...: You're a man of class :)
Man: Class my a**..., I want it five times on grass
My girlfriend gave me a h**... using Vaseline the other day.
I came three times in the shower trying to wash it off.
A man goes to see a s**... therapist
"My problem is that my neighbor says he can do it six times a night, but I can do barely three"
"Please open your mouth," the therapist says.
The man, now confused, opens his mouth, and the doctor inspects it carefully.
"I see nothing wrong here, so you should be able to lie just like your neighbor."
Did you know Vegetarian is a Native American word?
It means Lousy Hunter
I am Native American and this joke has been told to me a couple of times. Thought I'd share.
These times are harder on people with disabilities.
My dwarf friend is struggling to put food on the table
PLEASE stop asking Santa for the perfect woman.
I was almost kidnapped three times today.
I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......
......... The Times are really Rough!!!
Can we ban "yo momma" jokes from this sub? They're old, s**... and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times
Just like yo mamma
Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"
Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"
She points up and says: "3 pulls"
Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.
Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
Girl: "Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics"
Professor X, still standing: "Oh my god"
Reddit is possibly the most environmentally conscious site on the internet.
Nearly 100% of the content is recycled at some point, often several times.
David Beckham gets in a taxi at Dublin Airport and notices the driver keep looking in his rear view mirror at him.
After about 5 minutes the driver says "Go on then give me a clue!?"
Beckham replies, "I had a glittering career with Man Utd, played over 100 times for England and married a spice girl, is that enough?".
Driver says "No mate, I meant where are you going?"
Tuna must age about five times faster than humans.
This is supported by the fact that tuna half-hours are equal to 150 minutes.
I broke up with my girlfriend via walkie talkie
She didn't get it, no matter how many times I said it was over.
3 men were waiting in line to enter heaven
The angel at the gate asks the first man
"how many times did you cheat on your wife?" "10 times" the man answers. The angel gives him the keys to a 2010 Toyota Camry "this is how you will drive around heaven".
The second man says he cheated on his wife 5 times, the angel gives him a 2018 Lexus and let's him in.
The third man says he never cheated on his wife, he gets a 2021 Rolls Royce.
A few days later the 3 men meet and the man in the Rolls Royce is very sad, the men ask him what's wrong, he replys "I just saw my wife riding around on a scooter.
Professor X [sitting in his wheel chair] asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?" Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"
She points up and says: "3 pulls"
Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.
Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
r>Girl: "Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics"
Professor X, still standing: "Oh my god"
I received a letter with 13 stamps on it, and I immediately knew there was a good dadjoke inside
It had been reposted 12 times before
The checker at the grocery store asked me if I wanted my milk in a bag.
I told her to leave it in the carton.
I've probably told checkers that 100 times, and not once did they get the joke.
A judge asked a wife why she stabbed her husband 75 times.
She said her arm got tired.
Lance is not a common name nowadays.
But in medieval times, people called their sons Lance a lot.
My 12 year old just told me a joke
He said I've been trying to cut down the amount of video games I play, I'm only playing for 30 minutes before I go to bed. Last night I went to bed 8 times.
having gay parents must be awful
Either 2 times the normal amount of dad jokes, or you get stuck in a loop of go ask your mom.
In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding at night.
This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.
*I'll fetch my coat of arms*
Genie granted me one wish, but with a condition that my enemy will get two times more
I asked for 120/80 blood pressure
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
They walk to the bar and have a seat. Soon the a bartender comes up to them and yells :
Get out of here! We don't serve your type.
Sadly they never got their
Preto Semi wine.
What do you call a lizard that can punctuate five times in a row?
A comma comma comma comma comma chameleon!
Chicken at the library
A chicken walks into a library and up to the front desk. "Buk" says the chicken. So the librarian gives her a book. The chicken leaves with the book and comes back 5 minutes later. "Buk" she says. So the librarian gives her another book. This happens 8 more times, until finally the librarian goes on a break outside the library, around the back where there is a pond. She sees the chicken is standing on the edge of the pond throwing books at a frog on a lilypad.
"Buk buk" says the chicken. "reddit reddit" says the frog.
I'll see myself out.
Why should you never do drugs three times in one night?
Over dos.
I don't know why people say that quiting smoking is hard.
I've must have done it a few dozen times by now.
Home Covid Test.
1: Open a can of beer and try to smell it.
2: If you can smell the beer, drink it to see if you can taste it.
3: If you can taste it and smell it, this confirms you don't have Covid.
Last night, I did the test 15 times and all were negative. Tonight I am going to do the test again because this morning I woke up with a headache and feeling like I am coming down with something.
A man goes on a business trip to Boston and wants to try out the local cuisine.
So, as he gets into the cab at the airport, he asks the driver "Where can I get Scrod?" The driver replies "Mister, I've been asked that question many times and in many ways but never before in the Past Pluperfect Possessive."
In ancient times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding at night.
This is the earliest known form of **saddle light navigation**.
