Times Jokes

Statistics show that the average person has s**... 89 times a year

Today's going to be great!

A scientist is trying to prove that all blonds are s**...

so he holds an all blond convention and randomly picks someone from the crowd. First he asks her what two plus two is. She answers seven, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!". So this time he asks her what ten minus four is. She answers thirteen, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!". So this time he asks her what is five times five is. She answers twenty-five, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!".

Quitting smoking is the easiest thing I've ever done.

I've quit hundreds of times.

5 Years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that same girl to marry me.

Both times she said no

Success is like being pregnant

Everyone congratulates you, but no one asks you how many times you got f**ked to get there.

Four years ago, I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard?

A barber.

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she wont pay attention but call her fat once and she will never forget. Thats because elephants never forget.

Met a h**... who said she'd do anything for $5

So I had her repost a joke for me that's been posted 5,000 times in the past week

What is the most sensitive part of a mans anatomy while he's m**...?

His ears.
Oooo! I get to say it! "Front page?! Wow! Thanks y'all!" Oh yea, and "RIP my inbox"
Good times!

Stats show the average person has s**... 89 times per year

Looks like I'm in store for a wild December

My girlfriend once used Vaseline when she gave me a h**... . .

I came four or five times trying to wash it off.

On average, an American man will have s**...

two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have s**... only one or two times a year. This is upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

I asked my Welsh friend how many times he'd had s**......

He started counting then fell asleep.

Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times and she won't believe you.

Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

A man walks up to a woman in a bar.

He puts a lime next to her. The woman asks "what this"? The man says "its a lime". The woman says "can you move that lime somewhere else"? The man says "sure".The man tries to move the lime several times but cant seem to lift it. The woman says "is something wrong"? The man says "Sorry, I am bad at pick up limes".

A man walks into a bar, and orders 10 times the amount of drinks as everyone else.

The barman says "now *that's* an order of magnitude!"

A joke I heard at mass

A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"
The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then grabs a can of coors light and dips it in the sink. As he does it he says "from this day on, you will be known as green tea"

Two Irish men came down to give Mrs. O'Mally some bad news.

"We have some terrible news about your beloved husband, he fell into a vat of beer and drowned."
"Oh my poor Patrick" she moaned "At least he died a sudden death and didn't suffer."
"Well I don't know about that Mrs. O'Mally, he got out three times to go pee."

You know the times have changed...

When Portugal leaves Brazil without taking any Gold.

With my wife it was s**..., s**..., s**......

Yes, three times in 35 years"
-Bob Monkhouse

I love eBay!

Sold my homing pigeons 4 times this month.

I have a condition where I spontaneously tell jokes at random times

I think it's a gag reflex.

Every "yo momma" joke has been done thousands of times, by thousands of different people.

Kinda like yo momma.

Today, me and my wife had a .69

It would have been a hundred times better without the period.

My boss asked me why I've already been late three times this week

I told him because it's only Wednesday

The First Rule of Fight Club...

... Is to not talk about fight club.
The second rule of fight club...
Please keep your seat belt on at all times when the light is on.

I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row…

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…

May the force be...

... Equal to Mass times Acceleration.

Turning 30 was a lot sexier in Roman times

x**...

I've tried calling Stephen Hawking many times

I keep getting his answering machine

Recently asked a friend, "What's the worst thing about being divorced three times?"

With some thought, he finally said, Well, all of them were pretty good house keepers...
How is that a bad thing? I wondered.
He replied, Every time I've divorced, they've kept my house.

I've been in jail for only 10 minutes and I have already been r**... and beaten 3 times...

This is definitely the last time I play monopoly with my dad

President Trump: "I've raised THE BEST kids....."

".....They are the most polite people you have ever seen. Just today Don Jr. has already said "Pardon Me, Dad" at least 10 times. He has such great manners!"

How to use and 5 times in a row grammatically

A man owned a store called This And That and hired another man to make a sign for it.
When it was finished the owner inspected the work.
He discovered that the spaces were wrong so he said, The space between This and And and And and That is different. Please fix it

Cardiologist and the Mechanic

A cardiologist's car breaks down and he goes to a mechanic to get it fixed. After everything is done, the mechanic asks the cardiologist,
"Here's what I don't understand. I fix engines, and so do you, albeit human ones, so why do you get paid ten times more than I do?"
The cardiologist then turns the ignition on and says, "try it with the engine running."

I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle...

I bought a bottle of r**... and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave I thought for a moment. If I fall off the bicycle, the bottle might break.
To avoid that, I drank all of the r**... before I left the store.
It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home

i went to the liquor store on my bike.

i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle v**... and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home
apparently this was posted before...i had no idea. a friend sent me a voice recording of someone telling it and i posted it ..sorry

A vegan, feminist and a famous rapper walk in a bar

I only knew because they told me 10 times.

When i was a boy, i had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to stay alive...

It's a good thing my brother told me about it

I went to the local liquor store on my bicycle the other day

I bought a nice bottle of scotch and put it in my basket.. I was afraid that if I fell over the bottle might break so instead of risking it I drank the bottle right there.
Turned out to be a smart thing to do because I must have fallen 12 times on my short way back home..

An average Englishman has s**... 2 or 3 times a week. A Japanese man has s**... once or twice a year.

This is very upsetting as i had no idea i was Japanese.

If you sin 90 times you'll only be caught 45 times

Because Sin 90 = Cot 45

Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer's.

Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle v**..., put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

This farmer was telling me about how brilliant his sheepdog was at maths,

"Watch this," he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two, "
And the dog barked ten times.
"OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four. "
And the dog barked twenty times.
"He's very good, " I replied, but he's a little over. "
"Yeah, " answered the farmer, "old habits die hard, he's just rounding them up. "

If you sin 90 times, you will only get caught 50% of the time...

Because sin90 = cot45.

My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing.

I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

A pregnant woman walks into a bank being robbed,

She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe.
15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.
Then, her other daughter walked into the room and she said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.
Finally, her son came in and she assumed she knew what he was going to say, "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?"
The son replied, "No, what? I was m**... and I shot the dog."

The wife said: "Bulls can engage in s**... activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that..."

And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow..."

My grandpa tried to warn everyone The Titanic was gonna sink.

When everyone just ignored him, he yelled at them three more times, eventually they got irritated and kicked him out of the theater.

A mathematician came home and told his wife, sorry honey, but I'm leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I'll be home in a few hours and I'd like for you to be gone.

He got back home and found a note that read, hi honey, I've left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you'll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.

Two prostitutes were chatting on the corner. One says to the other, "You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

She says, "No, but I've been swung around by the t**... a couple times."

h**...: $10 on grass, $30 on sofa, $50 in bed Man: I'll pay $50

h**...: You're a man of class :)
Man: Class my a**..., I want it five times on grass

My girlfriend gave me a h**... using Vaseline the other day.

I came three times in the shower trying to wash it off.

A man goes to see a s**... therapist

"My problem is that my neighbor says he can do it six times a night, but I can do barely three"
"Please open your mouth," the therapist says.
The man, now confused, opens his mouth, and the doctor inspects it carefully.
"I see nothing wrong here, so you should be able to lie just like your neighbor."

Did you know Vegetarian is a Native American word?

It means Lousy Hunter
I am Native American and this joke has been told to me a couple of times. Thought I'd share.

In his later years, the Lone Ranger and Tonto were catching up on old times. After awhile the Lone Ranger paused and said I have some sad news.

Tell me, old friend said the faithful Tonto.
Well...I recently was diagnosed with Cancer
Bad spirits, replied his old companion.
The Lone Ranger look off into the distance for a minute. After all your years of wisdom, what do you think I should do?
Chemo, sabe
Ps this is my first joke post ever so I hope I did it right.

PLEASE stop asking Santa for the perfect woman.

I was almost kidnapped three times today.

I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......

......... The Times are really Rough!!!

An elderly Jewish man is sitting on a park bench reading the Tehran Times

A friend sees him and says, "Oy, Moishe! How can you read that rag? Don't you know the things they say about us?"
To which the man replies, "Well, I used to read to read the Jewish papers, but they're so depressing. Every headline is 'Jews Being Persecuted!' 'Jews Living in Poverty!' 'Jews Being Oppressed!'. But now I read these Arab papers and the headlines are all 'Jews Own All the Banks!' 'Jews Control the Media!' 'Jews Run the World!'. It's much more uplifting!"

The Mandalorian fell on hard times and had to take a job in a body building and health food shop. Turns out he was unexpectedly great at it and smashed the commission targets. He'd just direct people to the protein powder section, and say...

..."This is the whey"
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(Sorry)

Can we ban "yo momma" jokes from this sub? They're old, s**... and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times

Just like yo mamma

Not a joke but a real incident that happened to an indian acquaintance of mine when he moved to Australia for higher studies..

So he comes out of the airport and gets into the cab.
The Aussie cab driver asked where he is from ?
He replied 'India '.
The cab driver asked ' So did you come to die?'
He froze as it was the times when there were racial attacks by white Aussies on people of indian descent .
It was only few weeks later, he realised that the driver actually asked " Did you come today?'

Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"

Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"
She points up and says: "3 pulls"
Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.
Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
Girl: "Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics"
Professor X, still standing: "Oh my god"

Reddit is possibly the most environmentally conscious site on the internet.

Nearly 100% of the content is recycled at some point, often several times.

David Beckham gets in a taxi at Dublin Airport and notices the driver keep looking in his rear view mirror at him.

After about 5 minutes the driver says "Go on then give me a clue!?"
Beckham replies, "I had a glittering career with Man Utd, played over 100 times for England and married a spice girl, is that enough?".
Driver says "No mate, I meant where are you going?"

Three years ago, I asked my crush out. Last week, I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

Tuna must age about five times faster than humans.

This is supported by the fact that tuna half-hours are equal to 150 minutes.

I broke up with my girlfriend via walkie talkie

She didn't get it, no matter how many times I said it was over.

3 men were waiting in line to enter heaven

The angel at the gate asks the first man
"how many times did you cheat on your wife?" "10 times" the man answers. The angel gives him the keys to a 2010 Toyota Camry "this is how you will drive around heaven".
The second man says he cheated on his wife 5 times, the angel gives him a 2018 Lexus and let's him in.
The third man says he never cheated on his wife, he gets a 2021 Rolls Royce.

A few days later the 3 men meet and the man in the Rolls Royce is very sad, the men ask him what's wrong, he replys "I just saw my wife riding around on a scooter.

Professor X [sitting in his wheel chair] asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?" Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"
Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.
Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
r>Girl: "Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics"
Professor X, still standing: "Oh my god"

I received a letter with 13 stamps on it, and I immediately knew there was a good dadjoke inside

It had been reposted 12 times before

The checker at the grocery store asked me if I wanted my milk in a bag.

I told her to leave it in the carton.
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I've probably told checkers that 100 times, and not once did they get the joke.