Timer Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Timer puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Timer

My girlfriend's such a bad cook,

she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.

An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him.

He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man Just stared.

Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.

When Microsoft and Apple ship faulty products

Microsoft: We will fix that faulty battery timer through a software update. *never fixes it though*

Apple: *quietly removes the battery timer*

Egg timer

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.Β 


As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment! Β 


My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day! Β 


Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.Β 


Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.Β 


Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"Β 


She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall...

A young man walked up to the bench and sat down with the old man . He had spiked hair in all different colors : green , red , orange , blue and yellow

The old man just stared at the young man

Every time the young man looked , The old man was staring

Young man : What's the matter old timer , Never done anything wild your life?

Without batting an eye , The old man replied , "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot , I was wondering if you were my son".

First timer

Son comes back home at night
Dad is waiting for him and asks:
- where have u been so late!!??
- dad I just lost my virginity!
- ohh...I'm so proud of you... have a cigar, whiskey, sit down and tell me everything
- ok I'll take a cigar and whiskey but I won't sit down.

Told by one timer to another over a game of chess at the local coffee shop.

A guys finds himself in the woods, comes up to a river and looks around sees just before the bend a priest baptizing people. He goes up to the preacher and without saying a word, the preacher grabs him and dunks him into the water. He shouts, "Have you found Jesus yet?!" The guy, catching his breath, shakes his head a says, "No." The preacher sticks him down again, this time even longer. After bringing him back up he yells again, "Have you found Jesus yet?!?!" Again the guy, hardly being able to breathe, says, "No!" The preacher thrusts him back into the water harder and almost to the point where he drowns. He brings the man back up in the last seconds and exclaims louder than previous times, "Have you found Jesus yet?!?!?!" and the man retorts, "No, are you sure he's down here?!"

And old timer is talking to a millennial and says, "Your generation is sure in trouble thanks to all this talk of computers taking all the jobs. Aren't you worried?" To which the millennial replied,

What jobs?

Justin Bieber is on a game show...

He is asked the question; "what is one of the most popular pieces of clothing in India?" Bieber's mind is racing, well as fast as his mind can race, but the timer buzzes. Time is up.
Put out, Bieber cries out, "Is it too late to say sari?"

A woman was baking a cake...

When she heard the oven timer go off, she turned to her daughter, and asked her to check to see if the cake was done.

"I don't know how to check," the girl replied.

"Well," said the mother, "you take the cake out of the oven, and stick a knife in the center. If the knife comes out clean, that means the cake is done. Otherwise, put it back in the oven for another five minutes or so."

"Ok," said the girl, who promptly headed to the kitchen.

A few minutes later, the daughter returned. "Did the knife come out clean?" asked the mother.

"Oh, yes!" replied the daughter. "In fact, it came out *so* clean, I stuck all the other dirty silverware in it, too!"

A housewife comes running from the kitchen and grabs her husband

"We have to make loveΒ right this moment," she declares, pulling his clothes off.

Not one to waste an opportunity, the man stands at attention and gets to work.

After the deed is done, the man says, "That was pretty good. But why all of a sudden?."

"Oh," the wife replies, "my egg timer is broken."

So a young man walks into a bar in Ireland.

He goes up to the counter to ask for a drink, but the old town drunk spots him, wondering who he is.

So he walks up to him and says, "Are you Irish, boy?" and the man responds, "Aye, half."

Then old timer says, "Oh ya, what's the other half?"

and the man says to the bartender, "Guinness"

My wife's cooking is so bad...

She uses the smoke alarm as a timer.

An old man was sitting on a bench ...

A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair coloured green, red, orange, blue and yellow.

The old man just stared. The young man said: " What's the matter, old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man replied: " Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son. "

An old Vermonter is sitting on his porch.

A New Yorker is passing by and stops to chat. He asks the old timer, "Have you lived here all your life."

"Not yet."

I want a sand timer with ground spices instead of sand

That way when it starts to run out I can say, "Oh no, I'm running out of Thyme!"

Why did the traitor wear two watches?

Because he's a two timer.

Two old timers were playing chess in the park. The first one says: "know what I did yesterday? I went to the girls..."

"At your old age?" Says the second one as he cuts him off. "How was it?" He asks in anticipation

"Much nicer than the boys"

I hope I never get this old.

An old man is sitting on a park bench sobbing when a young man approaches and asks "what's troubling you old timer?"

The old man says " I've got a beautiful wife at home, she's half my age & we have sex all the time."

The young man says "that sounds great! What's the problem with that?"

The old man still sobbing says "I can't remember where I live!"

My Christmas tree is on a timer

It lights up everyday at 4:20

What's the difference between a microwave and a Muslim?

A microwave doesn't blow up every time the timer goes off.

Persian joke

Yesterday I was so hungry, I went to the sandwich shop and ordered Ham e Cheese.



....Ω‡Ω…Ω‡ Ϊ†ΩŠΨ² means "every thing".
(first timer here, be gentle)

My kitchen timer broke..good thing I wasn't counting on it.

an upvote in october is an "updoot". whats for november?

an "upnoot" (go easy. first timer here)

Lets assume that bungie patches the 2 swords strategy on crota

And they put the sword barers on a 1 at a time timer should they add time to crota's enrage timer and the ogre timers?

This bomb has a 5 second timer

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes