timer Jokes

funny timer pick up lines and hilarious timer puns

My girlfriend's such a bad cook,

she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.

👍🏼

An old man walks past a prostitute...

and she says:
"Hey old timer, care to try if you still can?"
The man replies:
"No honey, I can't."
The prostitute says:
"We could always try!"
The man agrees goes with her and fucks like a 20 year old.

"Jeez," says the prostitute "you said you couldn't!"
The man replies:
"Yes, I can still fuck, but I can't pay!"

👍🏼

An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him.

He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man Just stared.

Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.

👍🏼

My first blowjob was like my first bike ride....

Two bruised knees, a sore jaw and my father telling me I was really good for a first timer

👍🏼

When Microsoft and Apple ship faulty products

Microsoft: We will fix that faulty battery timer through a software update. *never fixes it though*

Apple: *quietly removes the battery timer*

👍🏼

Egg timer

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. 


As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!  


My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!  


Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. 


Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. 


Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" 


She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

👍🏼

An old man was crying on a park bench

An old man was sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. Another man approached and said "Hey old timer, whats up"?

The old man says through his tears "Oh it's awful! Last month I won £1,000,000 on the lottery and I met a beautiful girl who is a topless model and 50 years younger than me! We got married last week and the sex is incredible! She caters to my every need and she waits on me hand and foot"!

"WOW"! Says the man, you sound like you've got it made! So why all the crying"??

The old man looks up at him and cries out "I can't remember where I fucking live"!!!

👍🏼

Paratrooper initiation

After a fresh batch of paratroopers complete their first jump, some veterans take them out for a few rounds.

They're swapping stories and an old timer says: "Man, I remember the first time I jumped. Made the mistake of being the last one in line. Finally it's my turn, and I look down and freeze. The drill instructor leans in right behind me says, 'son, either you jump right now or I'm going to fuck you in the ass."

The veteran looks off wistfully and takes a pull off his beer.

A first-timer says, "Well, did you jump?"

"A little at first."

👍🏼

A guy was walking in the park when he notices an elderly man weeping on a park bench.

A guy was walking in the park when he notices an elderly man weeping on a park bench.

He walks up to him and asks What's the matter old timer?

He says Well I've just been married about three months now... she's a young and beautiful little thing... 28 years old... she loves me. I get home every day and she just throws me in the bed and tears my clothes off and sucks me and fucks me and everything....

Confused, the guy says Well what are you crying about?!

He says I can't remember where I live!

👍🏼

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall...

A young man walked up to the bench and sat down with the old man . He had spiked hair in all different colors : green , red , orange , blue and yellow

The old man just stared at the young man

Every time the young man looked , The old man was staring

Young man : What's the matter old timer , Never done anything wild your life?

Without batting an eye , The old man replied , "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot , I was wondering if you were my son".

👍🏼

An Old Scott

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

The Old Man says, "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months."

"But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days."

"But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea...Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board."

"But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.

"But ya fuck one goat..."

👍🏼

First timer

Son comes back home at night
Dad is waiting for him and asks:
- where have u been so late!!??
- dad I just lost my virginity!
- ohh...I'm so proud of you... have a cigar, whiskey, sit down and tell me everything
- ok I'll take a cigar and whiskey but I won't sit down.

👍🏼

Told by one timer to another over a game of chess at the local coffee shop.

A guys finds himself in the woods, comes up to a river and looks around sees just before the bend a priest baptizing people. He goes up to the preacher and without saying a word, the preacher grabs him and dunks him into the water. He shouts, "Have you found Jesus yet?!" The guy, catching his breath, shakes his head a says, "No." The preacher sticks him down again, this time even longer. After bringing him back up he yells again, "Have you found Jesus yet?!?!" Again the guy, hardly being able to breathe, says, "No!" The preacher thrusts him back into the water harder and almost to the point where he drowns. He brings the man back up in the last seconds and exclaims louder than previous times, "Have you found Jesus yet?!?!?!" and the man retorts, "No, are you sure he's down here?!"

👍🏼

A teenager is walking down the street...

He's dressed up in all leather with spikes and studs and has a mohawk dyed like a rainbow. He notices an old man on a porch up ahead staring him down intensely. He just smiles to himself and keeps walking.

As he passes the house, he sees the old man has yet to take his eyes off him. Finally he calls out, "What's the problem, old timer? Never did anything crazy in your day?"

The old man's face goes blank as he processes the question. "Yeah, of course I did," he starts. "I was remembering the time I fucked a parrot and thought you might be my son."

👍🏼

Poor old McGreggor

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

The Old Man says, "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months."

"But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days."

"But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea...Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board."

"But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.

"But ya fuck one goat..."

👍🏼

And old timer is talking to a millennial and says, "Your generation is sure in trouble thanks to all this talk of computers taking all the jobs. Aren't you worried?" To which the millennial replied,

What jobs?

👍🏼

Justin Bieber is on a game show...

He is asked the question; "what is one of the most popular pieces of clothing in India?" Bieber's mind is racing, well as fast as his mind can race, but the timer buzzes. Time is up.
Put out, Bieber cries out, "Is it too late to say sari?"

👍🏼

A woman was baking a cake...

When she heard the oven timer go off, she turned to her daughter, and asked her to check to see if the cake was done.

"I don't know how to check," the girl replied.

"Well," said the mother, "you take the cake out of the oven, and stick a knife in the center. If the knife comes out clean, that means the cake is done. Otherwise, put it back in the oven for another five minutes or so."

"Ok," said the girl, who promptly headed to the kitchen.

A few minutes later, the daughter returned. "Did the knife come out clean?" asked the mother.

"Oh, yes!" replied the daughter. "In fact, it came out *so* clean, I stuck all the other dirty silverware in it, too!"

👍🏼

The man with the small head.

A boy was walking down the road when he noticed an old timer with an unusually small head. The curious boy walked up to the bloke and said, "Hey mister! Why the heck is your head so small?"

The old man looked at the boy and replied, "Boy, if I wasn't so damn old, I'd give you a beating... but since you remind me of myself at your age, I will tell you..."

The boy listened curiously as the man explained, "One day I was fishing off the jetty when I got a huge bite. And I said to myself, 'Holy shit! I must've caught a whale!'"

"No kidding?" pried the boy.

"But, when I reeled it up," the man continued, "to my surprise, it was a *gorgeous* mermaid! Well, she was absolutely petrified when she saw me and said she'd grant me one wish if I let her free..."

"And?" interjected the boy.

"Well, after some quick thought, I looked at her and said, 'How 'bout a little head?'"

👍🏼

GRANDMA'S RACY NEW PANTIES

An old woman buys herself some bright red crotchless panties and goes home to surprise her husband.

When her husband comes home, she calls him into the bedroom and points to her new panties. "Hey old timer," she says, "come and get some of this!"

The old man says, "Hell no, woman. It done ate a hole in your drawers!"

👍🏼

My wife's cooking is so bad...

She uses the smoke alarm as a timer.

👍🏼

So a young man walks into a bar in Ireland.

He goes up to the counter to ask for a drink, but the old town drunk spots him, wondering who he is.

So he walks up to him and says, "Are you Irish, boy?" and the man responds, "Aye, half."

Then old timer says, "Oh ya, what's the other half?"

and the man says to the bartender, "Guinness"

👍🏼

An old man was sitting on a bench ...

A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair coloured green, red, orange, blue and yellow.

The old man just stared. The young man said: " What's the matter, old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man replied: " Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son. "

👍🏼

The bench

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The old man just stared.

Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.

The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

👍🏼

A young man is relaxing on a park bench on a fine Spring day.

An elderly gent comes shuffling by with a very serious expression on his face.

"Hey, old timer, something wrong?" asks the younger fellow.

"Shit my pants," answers the oldster.

"Then why don't you change them," suggests the youngster.

"Not done yet," was the reply.

👍🏼

An old Vermonter is sitting on his porch.

A New Yorker is passing by and stops to chat. He asks the old timer, "Have you lived here all your life."

"Not yet."

👍🏼

I want a sand timer with ground spices instead of sand

That way when it starts to run out I can say, "Oh no, I'm running out of Thyme!"

👍🏼

Why did the traitor wear two watches?

Because he's a two timer.

👍🏼

Two old timers were playing chess in the park. The first one says: "know what I did yesterday? I went to the girls..."

"At your old age?" Says the second one as he cuts him off. "How was it?" He asks in anticipation

"Much nicer than the boys"

👍🏼

What's the difference between a microwave and a Muslim terrorist?

The microwave doesn't blow up when the timer goes off

👍🏼

What's the difference between a microwave and a Muslim?

A microwave doesn't blow up every time the timer goes off.

👍🏼

My Christmas tree is on a timer

It lights up everyday at 4:20

👍🏼

It was only one time!

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.
The Old Man says, "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months."
"But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days."
"But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea...Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board."
"But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.
"But ya fuck one goat..."

👍🏼

Persian joke

Yesterday I was so hungry, I went to the sandwich shop and ordered Ham e Cheese.



....همه چيز means "every thing".
(first timer here, be gentle)

👍🏼

My kitchen timer broke..good thing I wasn't counting on it.

👍🏼

What are the best Timer puns ?

Did you ever wanted to be joking with someone about Timer? Well, here are the best Timer dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny pranks and Timer pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes