Timer Jokes
39 timer jokes and hilarious timer puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about timer that are clean and suitable for kids and friends. We've covered all the best old timer jokes, short timer jokes, self timer jokes.
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Funniest Timer Short Jokes
Short timer jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The timer humour may include short timing jokes also.
- When Microsoft and Apple ship faulty products Microsoft: We will fix that faulty battery timer through a software update. *never fixes it though*
Apple: *quietly removes the battery timer* - So an old-timer goes out for breakfast... And the young whippersnapper of a waiter asks "What will you have, Sir?"
"Bacon my day, sonny!"
[Sorry/notsorry - it's how my mind works] - What do job hunting and incels have in common? They both expect years of experience from a first timer.
- What is an example of a Facebook paradox? Discovering one of their user's is trying to build a bomb and having to decide between reporting him to the FBI or serving him ads for digital timers
- I want a sand timer with ground spices instead of sand That way when it starts to run out I can say, "Oh no, I'm running out of Thyme!"
- An old Vermonter is sitting on his porch. A New Yorker is passing by and stops to chat. He asks the old timer, "Have you lived here all your life."
"Not yet." - What's the difference between a microwave and a Muslim? A microwave doesn't blow up every time the timer goes off.
- Persian joke Yesterday I was so hungry, I went to the sandwich shop and ordered Ham e Cheese.
....همه چيز means "every thing".
(first timer here, be gentle) - Lets assume that bungie patches the 2 swords strategy on crota And they put the sword barers on a 1 at a time timer should they add time to crota's enrage timer and the ogre timers?
- an upvote in october is an "updoot". whats for november? an "upnoot" (go easy. first timer here)
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Timer One Liners
Which timer one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with timer? I can suggest the ones about clock and tick.
- My girlfriend's such a bad cook, she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.
- Why is a timer like a scale? They both measure wait.
- Covid dadjokes are like Covid The young don't get it, but it kills the old timers.
- My wife's cooking is so bad... She uses the smoke alarm as a timer.
- Why did the traitor wear two watches? Because he's a two timer.
- My Christmas tree is on a timer It lights up everyday at 4:20
- My kitchen timer broke..good thing I wasn't counting on it.
- This bomb has a 5 second timer
- Why didn't the old man beep when his time was up? He's an old timer.
- Have you heard about the dating site for radical jihadists? It's called "Our Timer"
- How long does it take To microwave a baby?
I'm too busy jerking of to watch a timer. - Trump may end up being a one-timer... But it sure as h**... felt like 8 years.
- Why am I not afraid of s**... b**...? Because they're all first-timers
Cheeky Timer Jokes to Experience Good Cheer & Frivolity
What funny jokes about timer you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean times jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make timer pranks.
An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him.
He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man Just stared.
Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had s**... with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.
Questions
At the skydiving training course, the instructor would take time to answer some of the First Timer Questions.o**... asked: If our c**... doesn't open.....and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have till we hit the ground? The instructor looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: The rest of your life.
Egg timer
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
First timer
Son comes back home at night
Dad is waiting for him and asks:
- where have u been so late!!??
- dad I just lost my virginity!
- ohh...I'm so proud of you... have a cigar, whiskey, sit down and tell me everything
- ok I'll take a cigar and whiskey but I won't sit down.
A father of 3 and one of his sons were cooking pizza
They put the pizza in the oven and waited
When the timer went off, the father went to pull it out when the son said Let me pull it out.
The father then said You shouldn't, it's really hot.
The son replied Dad, you have 3 children, I don't trust you to pull out.
Justin Bieber is on a game show...
He is asked the question; "what is one of the most popular pieces of clothing in India?" Bieber's mind is racing, well as fast as his mind can race, but the timer buzzes. Time is up.
Put out, Bieber cries out, "Is it too late to say sari?"
And old timer is talking to a millennial and says, "Your generation is sure in trouble thanks to all this talk of computers taking all the jobs. Aren't you worried?" To which the millennial replied,
What jobs?
A housewife comes running from the kitchen and grabs her husband
"We have to make love right this moment," she declares, pulling his clothes off.
Not one to waste an opportunity, the man stands at attention and gets to work.
After the deed is done, the man says, "That was pretty good. But why all of a sudden?."
"Oh," the wife replies, "my egg timer is broken."
A joke from an old timer at a dive bar
How did the female deer get back at her cheating husband?
She went downtown and blew a few bucks.
*I used to work next to a dive bar and would pop in there for a beer after my shift. One of the old timers was a guy named Doc and he told me this joke almost every day. He passed away a few years ago, but I thought y'all might appreciate it. RIP, Doc ♥️
The cost of gas in Boston
I visited Boston last week and learned a new term that is apparently local to them. When referring the cost of gas, they said it was a "nominal egg". How quirky.
I asked an old timer about its origins and he looked at me funny and said slowly, "An arm and a leg"!
So a young man walks into a bar in Ireland.
He goes up to the counter to ask for a drink, but the old town drunk spots him, wondering who he is.
So he walks up to him and says, "Are you Irish, boy?" and the man responds, "Aye, half."
Then old timer says, "Oh ya, what's the other half?"
and the man says to the bartender, "Guinness"
An old man was sitting on a bench ...
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair coloured green, red, orange, blue and yellow.
The old man just stared. The young man said: " What's the matter, old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man replied: " Got drunk once and had s**... with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son. "
I hope I never get this old.
An old man is sitting on a park bench sobbing when a young man approaches and asks "what's troubling you old timer?"
The old man says " I've got a beautiful wife at home, she's half my age & we have s**... all the time."
The young man says "that sounds great! What's the problem with that?"
The old man still sobbing says "I can't remember where I live!"
Two old timers were playing chess in the park. The first one says: "know what I did yesterday? I went to the girls..."
"At your old age?" Says the second one as he cuts him off. "How was it?" He asks in anticipation
"Much nicer than the boys"
