Time Waste Jokes
110 time waste jokes and hilarious time waste puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about time waste that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Time Waste Short Jokes
Short time waste jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The time waste humour may include short wasting time jokes also.
- I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa. Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.
- Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter. He runs Facebook.
- As a Lesbian, I feel like I wasted my time learning to cook. All my partner and I do is eat out.
- Love Girl: what do you think of our love
Me: count the stars
Girl: awww.... its infinite
Me: no, its a waste of time. - If you're an astronaut.. and you don't end every relationship with "I need space" then you're just wasting your time
- "How'd the session go with your new therapist?" "It was a waste of time. He just kept showing me pictures of my parents fighting."
- Every day I go down to the harbour and throw fish to a baby dolphin. My friends say it's a waste of time. But at least I'm serving a youthful porpoise.
- Did you hear about the limo driver who drove for 20 years but never found a client? All that time wasted with nothing to chauffeur it.
- I arranged a fundraising event for victims of land mines last week. Total waste of time though!! Only half the people turned up.
- Finally made it to the court of the Crimson king Waste of time. All I did was talk to the wind
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Time Waste One Liners
Which time waste one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with time waste? I can suggest the ones about time saving and time consuming.
- Saw a clock in the garbage the other day! Can't believe people are wasting time!
- What do you get when you pour red bull onto a clock? A waste of time and energy.
- I wasted my time on a vasectomy. All it does is change the color of the baby.
- It's a waste of time asking me about my sexuality... You'd never get a straight answer.
- What's a communists favorite way to waste time? Stalin.
- What do you call a sea creature that doesn't waste time? A-fish-in-sea
- Future is shaped by your dreams. So, stop wasting time and go to sleep.
- My friend threw his watch in the trash. "Stop!" I told him, "You're wasting time!"
- I made a belt out of watches a few years ago. Unfortunately.... It was a waste of time.
- What's the best response when someone wastes your time? Answers below please.
- What do you do in the bathroom if you are trying to waste time? Stall
- Cosmological loser n. A person who is a waste of both space and time. .
- People say that I always waste my time in front of the computer Never seen them since
- I challenge you to waste time. Done.
- Hmmm... If I throw a watch in the garbage.... Is that considered a waste of time..?
Time Waste Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about time waste you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean time keeping jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make time waste pranks.
So a guy walks into a bar...
So a guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks "Whiskey?"
"No," says the customer, "just water; i was so drunk last night that I went home and blew Chunks."
The bartender tries to console him, saying "Oh come now, everyone gets a bit wasted from time to time."
To which the guy replies, "No, you don't understand: Chunks is my dog."
Warning: This movie may contain n**....
Either it does or it doesn't, don't waste my time.
I was down by the Niagara River...
and I saw a Muslim extremist fall in!
He immediately started to sink.
Being a responsible Canadian, I contacted the provincial police and the RCMP right away! They didn't respond in time, and the Muslim man inevitably drowned...
I'm starting to think that I wasted two stamps.
A black guy was pulled over in his mercedes by the police. It was found that it was his, it was taxed and insured...
He had no drugs on him and no weapons were found in the car. The car was NOT linked to any drive by shootings or any drive off petrol thefts.
In the end they arrested him for "wasting police time".
I traded five of my rolex wathces for a ballon animal...
It really was a waste of time.
(Sorry for any bad english and what not, nord typing)
A particularly dirty shabby looking woman asks for couple of dollars
A woman was walking down the street when she was
accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking
homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars
and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy
some wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless
woman replied.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying
food?" the woman asked.
"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman
said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay
alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of
food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't
had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," said the woman, I'm not going to give you the
money. Instead, I'm going t o take you out for dinner
with my husband and myself
tonight.
The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty,
and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for
him to see what a woman looks like after she has given
up shopping, hair appointments and wine.
A man is spending his first night in prison...
He's laying in his bunk when the lights go out. After a few minutes, he hears someone shout, "13!" followed by a chorus of laughter.
Another few minutes go by and he hears, "27!" followed by more laughter.
"What's going on?" he asks his cell mate.
"Well, we've heard the same jokes so many times, we just gave them all numbers so we don't have to waste time repeating them."
A little more time passes and then someone erupts, "34!" to a few guffaws.
The man decides to try and join in by yelling, "19!"
He is greeted by silence. He asks his bunkmate, "Why didn't they laugh?"
His bunkmate replies, "You didn't tell it right."
I wish I hadn't wasted so much of my life creating wacky sci-fi inventions...
The time machine alone set me back 15 years.
I went to a blind tasting session the other day...
It was a waste of time, they tasted the same as people who can see.
A group of priests stand by the road...
... holding a sign "IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO TURN BACK. THIS PATH IS DOOMED!!" Most people just drive by but then suddenly someone stops and yells at the priests: "No one will belive this religious b**...! You're wasting your time!" After that one of the priests says: Maby we should just write "The bridge has fallen!"?
Wife's Campaign
My wife has wasted years campaigning for t**... companies to make sanitary products suitable for the 'larger' lady.
I'm trying to convince her that it's time to just throw in the towel.
Today I walked up to some girls and asked if they liked guys with big d**...
They replied yeah.
I replied, "I'm sorry for wasting your time..." turned around and walked away awkwardly.
A mom buys an old parrot from a w**.....
A mom buys an old parrot in a w**... and proceeds to bring it home for the family to enjoy their new pet.
As she brings the parrot inside the house the parrot says "ah, new house!" and she bursts in laughter.
Later that day, the daughters arrive from school and promptly the parrot says "ah, new house, new prostitutes!" and they all burst in laughter.
Some time goes by, and after a long day of work the dad finally arrives home, and without wasting time, the parrot says "ah, new house, new prostitutes, same old customers. Good night Mr. Williams"
Boy sees mother on top having s**... with father
Mother says: Son, I'm sitting on this because your father has a big belly so I'm trying to flatten it.
Son says: You're then wasting your time, mum. Every time that you are out, the neighbour comes in and blows it back again.
You've wasted your time explaining s**... to me
I still don't get it.
What's the difference between a peeping tom and a r**...?
A r**... doesn't waste time beating around the bush
What's the difference between a Pokemon Go player and a Facebook user??
Pokemon Go players are only wasting their own time ;)
The Trap
A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her by having an affair with the maid, so she laid down a trap.
One evening, she suddenly sent the maid home and didn't tell her husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story, "Please excuse me my dear, my stomach aches" and went to the bathroom.
The wife promptly went and got into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words and had his way with her.
When they were finished and both still panting, the wife said, "Well my dear, you didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And turned on the light.
"Absolutely not!", said her son.
Over 600 thousand watches are thrown away each year
I guess you could call it a waste of time.
I came here to write jokes and waste your time
But I'm out of jokes, so I'll just waste your time
After seven years of medical training and hard work
my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion.
He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession.
What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
After seven years of medical training and hard work, my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion and I think it's outrageous . He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession that he loves
What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
Devastated. A very sad day today. After seven years of training in the medical fields and hard work, a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money...
A genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Leaving for the Crusades...
*Heard this a long time ago. Just found it again...*
All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.
One knight told his best friend, "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world.
It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am
leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.
Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.
A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend yelling, "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!"
Was talking to a lady online. Things were getting sensual.
So I asked her if she liked guys with big d**....
She replied " oh, yes baby! I do! .."
I apologized for wasting her time and said good night...
This made me smile for days
Absolutely devastated.
A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients (they were good friends) and can now no longer work in the profession he loves. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
Philosophers in 500B.C.: Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated
Philosophers in 400B.C.: The greatest wealth is to live content with little.
Philosophers in 1200: Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.
Philosophers in 1900: That which does not kill us makes us stronger.
Philosophers in 2017: Would you like some drinks with that order?
I'm great at multitasking!
I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
A huge crab walks into a bar...
...and says to the barman, "I demand one pint of lager. I will pay the full price, provided that the following criteria are met. The beer should be served to me within one minute of ordering, and at a temperature of between 6-9 degrees Celsius. The beer should be served in a clean, cold glass and a beer mat must be provided. If the quality of the provided beer does not meet my high standards, you must agree to refund the full amount charged, and provide any additional financial compensation for any discomfort, stress or time wasted."
The barman looks at the crab and says, "why the big clause?"
If you have a parrot....
....and you don't teach it to say "Help, they've turned me into a parrot", your just wasting everybody's time.
Had my medical license revoked today.
Being a medical professional is like being in a minefield. All it takes is one mistep and you can lose it all. I made a one-time mistake and slept with a patient. A co-worker heard her passionate crys and came to find us in the act. Embarrassing be as it was, I never expected to be the end of my career.
12 years wasted as a veterinarian.
I rolled my first joint last night!
Today I have an ankle the size of a football. :(
VERY SAD DAY.
A good friend of mine, after 7 yrs of medical school and training has been fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He's still paying on his school loans. This just goes to show one minor mistake can ruin your life. Thoughts for him and his family. He really is a great guy and would have been a brilliant veterinarian.
When you s**... at math, quick math is the best math.
Why waste time if you are going to be wrong anyways.
A sad day for a doctor
After 7 years of study, training and hard work, a member of the medical profession has been fired after one minor lack of judgment. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession.
What a waste of time, effort, training and money. This shows that one minor mistake can ruin your career. Praying for him and his family. He was a genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant veterinarian.
Last night, I walked into a bar. The bartender told me...
"Don't waste your time. it's been posted and and reposted at least a hundred times."
I'm struggling to quit my m**... addiction
On one hand, there is my wife that I care about who is worried about me wasting time and being unmotivated
On the other hand, there is my w**....
A guy wanks into a bar.
He sees two stunningly beautiful blondes and says,
"Hey, barman, two beers for the ladies."
One of the ladies turns to the guy and asks.
"I think you're wasting your time, sir. We're l**...."
"What's that?" asks the guy.
"It means we only like to have s**... with women" the girl responds.
To which the guy retorts: "Hey barman, three beers for us l**...."
A little boy caught his mom riding his dad.
The little boy said, Mom what are you doing?
She said, Son, your daddy's stomach is too big so I sit on top to flatten it out.
He said, Aw momma you're wasting your time because when you're not here the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it back up!
I got fired from my job in waste management.
The only thing I managed to waste was time.
Like yours.
Boy do i have an act for you! A talking dog!
"a talking dog? This I gotta see! You have one minute, so make it good, kid!"
"Rex, what's on top of a building?"
"ROOF!"
"What? You kidding me? He just says woof, any dog can do that."
"How about this? Rex, who's the greatest baseball player ever?"
"RUTH!"
"That's it, kid, you're wasting my time, get that fleabag out of my office!"
As they walked out of the building Rex looked over to his master and said "Well, kid, that's show business."
A woman goes to a bar for a one night stand.
After scouting the scene, she finds a good looking black man sitting alone, drinking. So she goes up to him and, without wanting to waste any time, says "Hey, how about you show me it's true what they say about black men?"
The guy finishes his drink, takes her to his room, and proceeds to stab her and steal her purse
Hate speak, obscene photos, and narcissistic viewpoints caused me to get completely off of social media. [OC]
I found myself wasting too much time posting that stuff!
A lioness makes a nice kill, but has to catch a flight soon after.
There isn't enough time to eat it all, and and she doesn't want to waste so much good meat, so she just decides to bring it with her.
She gets to the airport, checks in and gets her boarding pass. She's about to go through security when she's stopped. Sorry ma'am, the guard says, we don't allow carrion.
A couple was having a quarrel in a lodge...
The man calls the manager and says, "I'm having an argument with my wife, and now she wants to jump out the window please come fast!"
The Manager angrily responds, "I am sorry sir this is your personal issue, please do not waste my time again."
The Husband replies back, "The window is not opening. This is not a personal issue, this is a maintenance issue."
What do you call the place where bad noodles live?
The Spaghetto
What do you call noodles who can't remember anything?
Forgetti
I'd like to apologize for wasting your time with these terrible jokes, just trying to get pasta really boring morning.
I hope my internet points don't take a hit too, that would cost me a pretty penne.
A seductive man walks into a bar and sees a pretty woman.
"Waiter, offer a drink to that girl", the gallant gentleman asked.
"Dude, it's a waste of time. She's a lesbian", the waiter replied.
"Lesbian? But from what region of Lesbia?"
me :i dont like capitalization in words, it's a waste of time
Teacher:Its important for one really good reason, because it's the difference between helping your Uncle j**... a horse, and helping your Uncle j**... a horse.
A guy gets to Heaven and meets God for the first time...
God says, welcome my child. For living an exemplary life and following in my footsteps, I welcome you to Heaven and will answer one question for you. The answer to any of your life's mysteries that you desire.
The man ponders. He hurriedly thinks back on his life, wondering which answer he wants the most and not wanting to waste God's time, but he can't decide. He stares back at Him, unsure of what to say.
God says, don't worry my child, I am all knowing, so I already know what question you will ask.
The man, visibly relieved, exclaimed oh thank you! What is it?
That one. Enjoy eternity!
A boy was standing in his father's wheat farm for several hours.....
His father finally asked him "son, why are you wasting your time standing out here?"
Son replied "father, I am not wasting my time, I am trying to win a nobel prize!"
The father thought he was studying the environment and was impressed, still he asked "how do you plan on doing that?"
Son replied "I have heard that people who won Nobel prizes were outstanding in various fields. So I am doing the same."
Today is a VERY, VERY sad day.
VERY VERY VERY SAD DAY. A good friend of mine, after 7 years of medical school and training has been fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He is still paying his school loans. This just goes to show you one minor mistake can ruin your life. Thoughts for him and his family.
He really is a great guy and a brilliant veterinarian.
An old joke I once heard from a friend, never fails to crack me up
A homeless man finds a shiny lamp by the road while trying to find a place to pass the night.
Picking it up, the man was just about to shove it in his bag when a genie appeared out of it.
"I can grant you one wish." Said the genie.
Not wanting to waste the wish, the man spent much time to think of the best wish.
"I want an apartment, make it a big one and make sure it's in downtown." The man said.
The genie shook his head.
"I can't fulfill that wish."
The man was disappointed. "I thought you were supposed to be able to do anything!"
The genie simply said: "Do you think I would be living in this lamp if I could afford a place of my own?"
A little boy walks into his parents' room
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
I think horoscopes are a complete and utter waste of time.
But, of course, I'm a Scorpio, and we are all skeptics.
A trap set by wife for husband and the maid
one evening she suddenly sent the maid home for weekend & didn't tell the husband. that night when they went to bed **husband** gave same old story "*excuse me my dear, my stomach& went to bathroom.* the wife promptly went into maid's bed & switched off the lights. when in he came silently he wasted no time on words but quickly started having s**... when he finished
the **wife** switched on the light & said : **u didn't expect me in this bed, did u?**
**"no madam said the watchman"!!**
Yesterday I broke my hourglass
It took forever to clean up and I was only able to save about half the sand. All in all it was a waste of time.
A census taker
An old man was sitting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.
"What are you selling, young man?" he asked.
"I'm not selling anything, sir," the young man replied. "I'm the census taker."
"A what?" the man asked.
"A census taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the United States."
"Well," the man answered, "you're wasting your time with me; I have no idea."
Just a schoolgirl waiting for her dad…
While waiting for my dad, two of the school janitors came outside and started smoking a joint.
When my dad saw us, he ran into the cloud of smoke, grabbed me by the arm and shoved me into the car!
What's wrong with you? Why are you angry at ME? I protested. I didn't even do anything!
He glared at me in the rear view mirror. I will not have any daughter of mine wasting her time with high maintenance people!
CEO spots a man wandering in a factory
In a factory, A man standing on the floor, not doing any work and looking aimlessly.
CEO of that factory came and asked his salary.
Man replied "5000 sir"
CEO took out his wallet and gave 15000 and told him
"I pay people to work and not to waste time, This is your 3months salary. Now get out of here. Never come back".
That guy left....
Then CEO asked workers, "Who was that guy?"
workers replied "PIZZA delivery boy, sir."
If Germans are so efficient and productive, why hasn't Germany built an unsinkable ship yet?
Because why would we waste our time building a ship if nobody has ever sought of it yet?
So my blind date said "Tell me something quirky about yourself" and I said "Whenever I'm talking to someone and I think they're a waste of time, I start blethering on about Russian tanks"
She said "Wow, that's actually kind of weird" and I said "Yeah, but actually, the T-34 and the KVs really gave the Germans a shock in 1941".