Time Saving Jokes

Jesus and Satan are having a competition on who can finish an essay first.

1, 2, 3, GO. Jesus starts and takes his time while Satan is typing up a storm. Satan is typing so fast that the power goes out and both computers are shut off. They start back up, and Jesus states that he is done with the essay. Riddled, Satan asks how he wrote that fast. Jesus turns to him and simply says, "Jesus saves."

Three priests and three young boys are on a boat on the ocean.

The boat starts to sink and first priest says, "Save the boys!" The second priest says, "F*c**... the boys!" The third priest says, "Do you think we have time?!"

A man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died.

The f**... company told the man that it would cost 45000 to ship her home or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem.
The husband said "ship her home".
Shocked, the undertaker asked "but sir, why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money ?"
The husband replied "a long time ago, a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead ... I cant take the chance !"

Some of us can "save the day," Chuck Norris can save a century.

John comes home and notices his wife n**.

.. in bed and the postman standing with his unzipped trousers next to the bed.
The postman wants to save the situation so he says quickly: "Mrs. Ann, I warn you for the last time! If you do not sign this letter so I will pee on your brand-new carpet."

Eight hours into his trial p**... pleads guilty.
"Why didn't you plead guilty at the beginning and save the court's time?"
The judge demanded.
"Well," p**... responded, "until I heard all the evidence I thought I was innocent."

Why do men like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time.

People who write "u" instead of "you". What do you do with all the time you save?

"We were facing a global climate problem, we were broke and couldn't afford a House at your time! And yet we tried our best to save the planet when we were in the mhidst of all of this. People had bigger contribution to our overall problem back then. What has YOUR generation done, nowadays?"

"okay, millennial" says a Generation AA

An atheist in the forest...

stumbles upon a bear. The bear rears up to attack and the atheist yells "oh god no!" time stops and he hears the voice of god say "you called for me my son?" the atheist responds "I would ask you to save me, but that would be hypocritical, so instead, can you make the bear a christian?" he hears "I shall do this for you my son". Time resumes and the bear stops, puts his paws together and says "God in the heavens.... thank you for this meal you have provided me with today, amen"

Two kids a mom a lawyer and a priest are on an airplane.

The airplane starts going down and there is only two parachutes.
The mother says, save the kids!
The lawyer says,f**... THE KIDS!
and the priest says do we have enough time?

A nun, a priest and a politician...

are on a plane with a group of children. The pilot announces over the loudspeaker that the plane is going down and they only have a few minutes. The nun, priest and politician run to the back of the plane to grab their parachutes and notice there's not enough for everybody. The nun says "we need to save the children!" The politician yells back "SCREW THE CHILDREN!" The priest looks at the politician and says "Do we have time?"

There's a Lawyer and an IRS Agent drowning,

at the same time and you could only save one, what would you do? Smoke a cigarette or go out for lunch?

George Washington, George Bush, and Bill Clinton are on a boat.

The boat begins to sink.
George Washington stands up and valiently exclaims, "Save the Women!"
George Bush runs to the lifeboat, shouting, "Screw the women!"
bill clinton stands up and says excitedly, "Do we have time?"

I'm sorry about your parents, but no spell can reawaken the dead, Harry!

Except for the time turner. We'll use that to save Buckbeak.

He saved his family three times in the Taken films and got no thanks.

The next one should be called Taken 4: Granted

Mandalorian Stormtrooper joke!

It’s a known fact that Stormtroopers can’t shoot to save their lives. The Mandalorian acknowledges it while stormtroopers pass time by shooting at a tin can. And they miss it every time.

A Jamaican man's wife dies in Jerusalem

A Jamaican man and his nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died. The f**... company told the man that it could cost $500, 000 to ship her home to Jamaica or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem. The husband said, "ship her home" shocked, the undertaker asked, but sir why don't you bury her in holy land and save the money? To which the husband replied. A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead.......I can't take that chance.

A rabbi, a lawyer, and a priest are on a cruise ship as it starts to sink...

As chaos ensues and people are running around frantically, the three men huddle together and try to make a grave decision.
The rabbi says, "we must save the children!"
The lawyer says, "no, screw the children!"
Then the priest says, "do we really have time to screw the children?"

YSK: Daylight Savings Time ends tonight, make sure to reset all your clocks.

Oops, wrong sub

Man walks in on his son

A man walks in on his son m**..., and gets really mad "Hey, save that for when you are older!"
By the time the kid was 18, he had three jars full.

A boy is looking over a tall cliff...

A young boy is peering down a high cliff when an old man walks over. The old man says "Hey its dangerous up here, where are your parents?". The boy tearfully replies "my mom just fell off the cliff". The old man horrified asks "Where is your father?". This time the boy falls to his knees and cries "He fell trying to save her". The old man unzips his pants and says "Sorry kid, today just isn't your day".

Bill Clinton, George W.Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.

Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.
As the boat sinks, George Washington shouts, "Save the women!"
George W. Bush hollers, "Screw the women!"
Bill Clinton asks excitedly, "Do we have time?"

Every time I have s**... with my girlfriend I put a dollar in a jar.

On Valentine's Day I use what I saved to buy a gift for her.

Trump , Clinton, and h**... are about to fall of a cliff. You only have time to save on of them.

Tell me why you saved h**....

I learned CPR so I could save a life one day... Maybe I went too far...

Either way, I don't think I'm going to be invited to another f**... any time soon.

Trump and Clinton are on a building that is on fire. You got time to save only one, what do you do ?

Go to lunch or go watch a movie ?

Tomorrow you should turn back our clocks one hour. for Daylight Saving Time

Unless you're Arabic, in which case you should set it forward 14 centuries.

Last night I had s**... for an hour and 30 seconds.

I love when daylight savings time ends!

Daylight Saving Time ends today. So I have to remind myself,

that the clock on my microwave will be wrong for the next several months.

Why is it worse this time around?

Thermal cameras mean I can't save anyone by hiding them in my roof.

When I was a young boy,

My grandmother walked into my bedroom and caught me playing with myself. She smacked me and said "Shame on you! Save that for when you're 21!"
By the time I turned 21, I had sixteen jars.

An Imperial Roman soldier was wounded on the battlefield. His life was saved when he was time traveled to the modern world to be hooked up to an IV.

He asked, "What is that for?"

A priest, a lawyer, and a pediatrician are on a ship that is going down..

The pediatrician shouts, "Save the children!"
The lawyer yells,"f**... the children!"
The priest then replies "Do you think we have time?"

Boss: "You're an hour late!"

Guy who is about to invent daylight savings time: "Haven't you heard?"

Thanks to Daylight Saving Time

My girlfriend totally thinks I lasted an hour and two minutes!

I just made love for over 1hr straight

1 hour and 22 seconds is my new record.
Thanks daylight savings time!

A Rabbi, A Priest, and an Imam...

A rabbi, a priest, and an imam were on a ship. Suddenly, the ship hit a reef just under the water and started sinking. The rabbi said to the priest and imam, "We must save the children.!"
The imam had already run to the lifeboats, yelling "Screw the children!," to which the priest replied, "Do we have time?"

Choking Hazard.

Jim: I once saw a man choke to death right in front of my very eyes.
Nancy: God that must have been awful, did you try to save him with the Heimlich manoeuvre?
Jim: I couldn't at the time, my hands were wrapped tightly around his t**....

Mario sits Princess Peach down to have a serious talk.

peach, we've been together a long time, I've saved you countless times, but I just can't go on any longer.
But I want you to know, it's not you, itsa me, Mario.

My wife doesn't know it,

but every time we have s**... I put $1 in an envelope. I save that money, and plan on getting her something special for our anniversary.
So far she's getting a McChicken

I don't trust the people on Wall Street.

Last time I invested, someone Madoff with all my savings.

Next time you put on sunscreen, remember....

If it couldn't save Steve Erwin from harmful rays, what good is it gonna do you?

Do you know the reason why the orcs in the lord of the rings are British?

They saved a lot of time in costumes making their teeth look bad.

My friend told me to save my money for the orphanage every time i want to buy a cigarette...

So i saved 300$ to buy cigarettes for these poor kids.

There was once a kingdom, a long, long time ago. where a dragon would eat the virgins of the land.

Then one wonderful day, a hero came to the kingdom. The leader told the hero of their predicament. He told him that every day, the dragon would take a few virgins to his cave to eat. The hero said that he will save the kingdom, and take care of the dragon.
After two weeks, the dragon starved to death.

I heard about global warming...

So now I leave my air conditioner on all the time. I know just one individual can't save the planet, but I do my best.

There is a plane of children along with a priest, a rabbi, and a rapper is flying to New York

Suddenly, the engine catches fire. The rabbi says, "We must save the children." The rapper yells back, "Screw the children!" The Priest responds, "Do you think we have enough time?"

What did the former German chancellor's wife say to him to remind him to change his watch for Daylight Saving Time?

Konrad, add an hour!

I really like daylight savings time, I got an extra hour of sleep last night

I was in bed for 7 hours, but when I woke up it was EIGHT HOURS LATER!!!!

What does the guitarist of the Black Keys do on Daylight Savings time?

He sets his clock an Auerbach.

How is your virginity like the last piece of pizza?

You try to save it until the right time but then your dad just ends up taking it

On the 11th of March I had the longest s**... of my life, 1 hour and 30 seconds.

Thank god for Daylight Saving Time

7 tries to eat 9 but fails...

Because a stitch in time saves 9.

Ig the Knight

Once upon a time, there was a soldier named Ig. In a recent battle, Ig showed courage and bravery, saving 20 men by himself!
To honour Ig's heroic act, the Queen of the kingdom was to knight him. Ig knelt before Her Majesty, as she tapped each shoulder of his with a sword. As she finished, Ig the Knight burst into flames! The Queen, astonished by what happened, asked her squire why he lit on fire.
Stunned, the squire spoke, "Ig...Knighted..."

If Donald Trump and Justin Trudeau were drowning and you only had time to save one of them...

... where would you and Justin Trudeau go for lunch afterwards?

Saving money is easy. I'm working on my second million right now.

Gave up on the first million a long time ago.

My grandpa died last year

My grandpa died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him..

As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive", but it's hard without him.

My wife doesn't understand daylight savings time

But hey, who could think straight after being banged for an hour and 2 minutes

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said: "TWO PROSTITUTES $50.00."

A policeman stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?" "Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion." The two ladies frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day the cop noticed the same two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. This time the sign read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER $50.00.

A Jewish kid tells his father he saved some money...

Kid: "Dad I saved $3 by running behind the bus after school today"
Dad: "Next time run behind a taxi, you'll save more"

A woman walks into a bar with a pig and orders them both a drink.

"Why are you with a pig?" the bartender asks. "Just saving time," she says. "Pigs don't turn into men when they drink."

I once had s**... for an hour and 40 seconds.

It was daylight savings time.

For the first time in my life my savings account has reached 5 figures

I feel like a millionaire

In honor of Daylight saving time I actually have an hour long joke I like to tell.

Guess who loves daylights savings time?

Dan Auerbach

What does daylight saving time mean in Seattle?

An extra hour of rain.

One doctor saved all the foreskins of circumcisions he did.

After 35 years he retired and told his wife he was going to make something out of them. After a week he showed her what he'd made, a wallet.
"That's all you got from 35 years?"
He said "yea but when you rub it a few times it turns into a suitcase."