Uproarious Time Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time
Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.
You see, it used to get cold outside
If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation s**......
Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.
If i had a dime for every time i didn't understand what's going on.
I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time"
I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?
My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.
She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.
I got fired from the s**... bank yesterday
Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have s**... with your cousin?
[Twice removed]
Wife was breastfeeding
Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
Harry Potter has way too many characters...
Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.
You can explore time home reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean time daylight savings time dad jokes. There are also time puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
6:30 is the best time on a clock
hands down
Tide has some serious ad time during the superbowl this year
Must be able to afford it after cornering the teenage snack food market
A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...
The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."
"That's not it."
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
My marriage is over.
I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.
I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.
The first time I had s**..., it was in my parent's bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, This is a bit awkward.
I grunted, Just ignore them.
I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.
Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.
I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.
A young artist exhibits his work for the first time...
.. and a well known art critic is in attendance.
The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"
"Yes, " says the artist.
"It's worthless," says the critic
The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."
The new father
A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.
"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."
"Dad you dont mea-"
"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.
"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."
"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."
A boy paid a girl $10 to climb a flagpole...
She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said "honey, he just wanted to see your underwear." The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said "I will give you $20 to climb the flagpole." Again she agrees and climbs. She goes home and tells her mother "mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn't wear any underwear."
Boy scout: Sir, I found a snake, is it poisonous?
Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all
*Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified*
Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time lads
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist
black people would rob me
Cheer up Hilary!
At least you won't have to work at the same desk that Monica spent so much time under.
A blonde goes to the dry cleaners.
She tells the attendant that she needs to have her dress cleaned.
However, the attendant wasn't paying attention. Snapping out of his day dream, he asked, "Come again?"
Giggling, the blonde replied, "No, just mustard this time."
I thought of having a t**...
But then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents
People compare Trump and h**... all the time, but there is one major difference.
h**... was good at making speeches
A girl walks into a dry cleaner
She drops off her dress and turns to leave. The owner says, "Come again!". She says, "No it was toothpaste this time."
My priest is surprisingly homophobic...
...for a man who spends his nights on his knees, begging for another man to come for a second time.
TIL humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
With the rise of self-driving vehicles...
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too
4th of July,
The only time of the year Americans say the day and month in the correct order.
Why is Japan the healthiest country in the world?
Because last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died
I keep getting hit by the same bike, at the same time and place, day after day...
It's a vicious cycle.
My girlfriend and I broke up today
Her: "I just need time."
Me: "Okay. Yeah, I understand."
Her: "And distance, as well."
Me: "Fine. But can I ask you one last question?"
Her: "Go ahead."
Me: "What are you calculating the velocity of, anyway?"
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is all the time?
A widow.
My wife asked me why I carry around a gun in the house.
And I answered, because of the decepticons!
She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed, I shot Alexa.
It was a good time.
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Made love to my wife for an hour and four minutes tonight
Thanks, Daylight Savings Time!
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis
Would it even matter?
My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant...
...I can't pull anything out in time!
Why do only 2 Mexicans cross the border at a time?
Because the sign says no trespassing.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, Can you tell me what happened before The Big Bang?
The professor replied, Sorry. No Time.
Every time I ask someone what the acronym LGBTQ stands for...
I can never get a straight answer.
What do you call a m**... Vegan?
A WeedWhacker (sorry if it's awful first time on this sub)
As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I've learnt...
1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.
2.) They LOVE chocolate.
Have you seen the new Exorcist movie?
This time it's the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.
Putin visits Estonia
Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".
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"Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".
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"Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".ο»Ώ
Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa
Because tomorrow he turns 81!
A woman tells her doctor, "Kiss me!"
The doctor says, "What? Why would I do something like that?"
The woman says again, "Kiss me now!"
The doctor replies, "Certainly not!"
The woman demands a third time, "Doctor, I want you to kiss me!"
The doctor answers, "No! It's unprofessional, highly unethical, and to be honest we probably shouldn't even be having s**... right now!"
A man walks into a bar and sees 2 steaks hanging from the ceiling.
He sits down and orders a beer, and asks the bartender
"what's the deal with the steaks?"
"It's a competition. If you can jump up and slap both steaks at the same time, one with each hand, you win the bar. If you try and fail, though, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the night"
The man sits and thinks it over, and a couple minutes later the bartender asks if he wants to have a go.
"Nah, the steaks are too high"
My horoscope said I was going to get my heart broken in 12 years time
So I bought a puppy to cheer myself up!
A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead: "I'm afraid he died last week," she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you," the wife replies, "he died last week." The day after he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts: "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
"Cos" He replies laughing, "I just love hearing it..."
A woman is preparing a dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.
The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his house, then he rings the bell. His furious wife opens the door. 'Where the h**... have you been?' she screams. The husband waves back to the snails, 'Come on, lads!' he shouts 'We're nearly there!'
Everyone knows Alan Turing who cracked Enigma codes.
But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.
A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub
The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren't mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"
The cop, obviously in disbelief, tells the woman, "Show me."
So the woman tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the woman's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"
What is the most expensive video-streaming service at this time?
College
I don't think my girlfriend likes my schizophrenia meds
Because every time I take them she goes away
I haven't had s**... since 1956
A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956..." The general looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."
A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak.
So, to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy.
A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's private study
Maid: "I'd like a raise."
Mrs. Smith:"Why do you think you deserve a raise?
Maid:"Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you."
Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"
Maid:"Your husband. Second, I clean better than you."
Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"
Maid:"YourΒ husband.Third, I'm better in bed than you are."
Mrs. Smith:"I suppose my husband said that too?"
Maid:"No, the gardener."
Mrs. Smith:"How much do you want?"
What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?
Banned from of Seaworld
A guy rides his motorcycle through the border from Spain to France every week carrying two bags of sand.
The border guard searched the bags every time, but never found anything, so he had to let him through. The guard has his last day at work before retiring and the guy comes to the border again, carrying his two bags of sand. The guard says "look, man, it's my last day, I'm not going to bust you. You're clearly smuggling *something* across the border all this time but we never find anything, what is it.". The guy says "I'm smuggling motorcycles"
A dad joke my science teacher told me a long time ago:
Why are bacteria so bad at math?
Because they multiply by dividing.
RIP Miss Henn. Miss her lots.
Three men are talking in a Soviet gulag.
One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"
The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."
The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers."
Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?"
"Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West."
During a biology exam a student has to list three pros of breast milk.
He's unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:
- Contains all the nutrients a baby needs,
- Doesn't need heating,
But he still needs one more. And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:
- Has great packaging.
I encountered a m**... at a bar last night
although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and s**...
we were drinking, chatting, laughing, and having a good time
then, she asked me flirtatiously
"have you ever tried a mother-daughter t**... before?"
I said, "Nope, not yet".
She drank a little more, and said, "well, darling, tonight is your lucky night."
So she took me to her place.
She took out her keys
opens her door
turn on the light
and she yells towards upstairs
"Mom, are you still awakeοΌ
I tell dad jokes all the time even though I'm not actually a dad
I'm a faux pa.
Boss: This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it's only Wednesday
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."
My wife said to me If I ever get
Alzheimers I would commit s**... rather than burdening you with me"
I said "Thats the fifth time you've said that today"
Viruses mutate over time, take Covid for example...
It started as a pandemic, and now it's become an IQ test.
I'm starting to think Jews really do run this country
but don't want to jump to conclusions, this my first time visiting Israel
A lawyer dies, and somehow manages to go to heaven
When he gets there, he's greeted by St. Peter himself. The lawyer says, "What happened? I wasn't in an accident and I'm too young to die. I'm only 52!"
St. Peter says, "Nope, by our records, you are 84, and that's a pretty good life."
The lawyer yells, "84! How did you figure that?"
St. Peter responds, "We added up your client billing time sheets."
Can someone please tell me what the lowest rank in the military is?
Every time I ask someone they say it's private.
Viruses can mutate over time. Take Covid for example...
It started as a pandemic illness and turned into an IQ test.
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, h**..., alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "My wife."
Why did Eminem kneel at the half time show?
His knees were weak, and arms were heavy.
Reposting this one because it didn't get enough upvotes last time.
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My 4 year old was taking her sweet time getting ready for bed and I said to her "quit stallin!"
She said to me, "I'm not stallin"
And I replied, "well, you might be right about that because you're certainly not Russian.'
I got nothing... no laughs, even after I thoroughly explained it to her. My daughter has no sense of humor.
When I was little, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason!
So I've worked all my life to invent a time machine of my own, and I'm going back to when he was little and we'll see how he likes the taste of his own medicine.
I can't stand homeless people
Every time I leave work, one of them approaches me and shakes his can full of coins just to show off how he has more money than me.
Mummy, how was I born?
A 10-year-old girl asks her mum, Mummy, how was I born**?**
The mother smiled and replied:
Once upon a time, your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth & I took care of it every single day.
After a while, the seed started to grow more and more leaves and in a few months, it turned into a beautiful healthy plant.
So we took the plant, dried it, rolled it up, smoked it, and got so high that we forgot to wear a c**....
Death: Jack! Your time is up. I'll take you now.
Jack: Not today please, I have a lot more to do.
Death: Oh no, you're the first on the list to die.
Jack: Alright, I'll finish what I'm doing first. Even better, I'll make you some coffee while you wait. And after I'm done, we can leave.
(Jack put sleeping pills in the coffee and when Death fell asleep, Jack erased his name and placed it at the end of the list)
Death: Woah! My friend, I slept well. You're a good person Jack, you treated me very well. Because of that, I'll just start with the last one on the list.
My 12 year old son tried coffee for the first time today
"It tastes like dirt!"
I told him it was just ground this morning.
A lawyer goes to heaven
St Peter meets him at the pearly gates. The lawyer is impressed, but asks "Are you sure it is my time? I'm not that old?"
St Peter says "What do you mean? You're 86 years old."
The lawyer says "No I'm not...I'm only 58. Why do you think I'm 86?"
St Peter says "Well, we just added up all of the hours you've billed to your clients."
King Charles will not make as many foreign visits as Queen Elizabeth did.
Because the Queen could go any distance but the King can only move one space at a time.
A scrawny teenage boy asks his muscular friend how he gets so many girls to sleep with him.
The muscular friend says, "Here's what you do: next time there's a party, get a large potato and stick it down your pants and act normal. You'll see - that'll turn you into a chick magnet."
A minute later, all the girls at the party run away from the scrawny kid, screaming and laughing and pointing.
The muscular friend sees this and comes over to his scrawny friend. "Dude," he says. "You have to put the potato in the front."
A farmer goes to the market to sell his horse for $2000, and a man buys it from him.
The farmer says he'll deliver it to to man in 1 week's time, but halfway through the week the horse dies.
The farmer offers to refund the man's money, but the man chooses to buy it anyway.
The next week the farmer sees and asks the man what he did with the dead horse.
The man says 'Oh I held a lucky draw, $50 for a chance to win a horse. 100 people entered, and I collected $5000.
The farmer, shocked, asks 'But wasn't anyone upset with the horse?' The man replies
'Oh yes, only the winner, but I refunded him his $50.'
A genie grants three wishes to an old lady.
She says, "I want to be young again."
\*p**...\*
She's young again.
"I want my little house to be turned into a beautiful mansion."
\*p**...\*
She's now living in a beautiful mansion.
"I want my cat to be turned into a handsome young man!"
\*p**...\*
Her cat is now a handsome young man.
"Oh cat, all my fantasies have come true! Take me in your arms, take me upstairs and make mad, passionate love to me!"
The cat says, "Oh darlin', you should've thought about that a long time ago, before you had me fixed."
How do you get 30 Canadians out of a pool?
You say, O.K., everybody, it's time to get out of the pool!
Russian prime minister Medvedev comes to Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.
" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
"Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor stuff. Remember when that Polish plane crashed with their president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet!!"
Sherlock Holmes was always reluctant to take credit for solving a mystery
Oh it was nothing, he would say. The police would have solved it in time.
Everyone knew he was just being modest. Be he ever so humble, there's no Police like Holmes.
Why did the conspiracy theorist have such strong legs?
Because he spent so much time jumping to conclusions
A book on the history of clocks has finally been released
It's about time
My son wanted to hear a basketball joke.
I couldn't think of any so I did what anyone would do...
Me: "Alexa, tell me a basketball joke."
Alexa: "The last time the Boston Celtics won a championship, I didn't exist!"
My marriage is like a fairytale.
I was charming and my wife was beautiful, Once upon a time...
I have a quantum mechanic...
He both repairs and doesn't repair my car at the same time, and I can never be certain of what the charge will be.
Who has the worst heart health in Congress?
George Santos. Every time he opens his mouth they have to defib him.
Did you RVSP your invite to the Procrastinators Club?
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No rush; take your time.
