Time Jokes

funny jokes about time and hilarious stories

BEST TIME JOKES

Time jokes and pranks to have fun with friends and family. Top 10 jokes about Time of all time along with the funniest time gags ever told.

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.
You see, it used to get cold outside

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If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...
Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

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If i had a dime for every time i didn't understand what's going on.
I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

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A little girl asks her mother, Mommy, how was I born?
Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied: Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got so high that we fucked without a condom.

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As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time"
I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?

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My girlfriend always takes long showers after watching movies starring Chris Pratt
I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Chris Pratt.

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If I had a nickel for every time I didn't know what was going on...
...I'd be like why do I keep getting all these fucking nickels?

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My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.
She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

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I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday
Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

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Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?
[Twice removed]

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LATEST TIME JOKES

An old man was lying on his deathbed.
An old man was lying on his deathbed. His wife of forty years was holding his hand.

He looked at her and said Margaret, It seems like you have always been with me when I was in need. Remember that time I fell down the stairs? You stayed with me. And when I lost my job? You were right there. Now that I am dying, you are here. You know what, Margaret?

What, John?

I think you're a jinx.

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Im surprised they're still together after all this time.
Who?

My ass cheeks.

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The magic drink
A guy notices a new bar at the top of a tall building. Looking for a new place, he goes in. He sits next to a very drunk guy at the bar who turns to him immediately.
"This place has a magic drink, do you know about it?" The man responds no, but looks intrigued.
The drunk man orders a drink, downs it, and jumps out of the window and flies around the building one time before returning and sitting down.
"Wow," the man exclaims, "Can you do it again?"
Again, the drunk man downs another drink, and repeats the feat of flying around the building.

After 4 or 5 flights, the man decided that he wants to try this magic drink and fly too. He orders a drink, downs it and jumps out the window, falling to his death.
The bartender looks at the drunk man and says, "You know, you can be a real dick when you are drunk, Superman."

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Just in time for the holidays
A guy goes back to his home town for Christmas, and he stops by the local diner to get his favorite breakfast, eggs Benedict. But he has a special request, he wants it served on a big shiny metal plate. The waiter doesn't understand why, so he asks him "Sir, why do you want eggs Benedict on a shiny metal plate?" And the man says "Because there's no place like chrome for the hollandaise."

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The Trids and the Giant
Once in a land far, far away there lived a group of people called Trids. The Trids were happy except for a giant that lived on the mountain. The giant would often terrorize the Trids.

The Trids, tired of the giant, sent a group led by the community's minister to reason with the giant. But before they could even say one word the giant kicked them down the mountain. The Trids thought maybe this was because the giant was Catholic, so they sent another group, this time led by the local priest. But alas, as they approached, the giant once again kicked them all down the mountain.

The Trids were upset until they thought that perhaps the giant was Jewish. Unfortunately, no Trids were Jewish, so they asked a rabbi of a different community for help. The Rabbi led a group of Trids up the mountain. The giant saw them coming and kicked all of them, except for the Rabbi, down the mountain. The Rabbi, knowing the giant's past, wondered why he alone had not been kicked down the mountain, so he asked the giant. The giant laughed and replied

"Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

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The Pickle Slicer
A deli worker made an appointment with a psychiatrist.
"So, what's the problem, sir?" said the psychiatrist.
"I don't know what's wrong with me. For some reason I feel this urge to put my penis in the pickle slicer!" replied the man.
"The pickle slicer?"
"Yes, the pickle slicer!"
They psychiatrist didn't know what to do. "How about you come back next week? Take some time off work. That might help."
"Okay." agreed the man.
A week later, the deli worker practically burst into the psychiatrist's office. "I did it, sir," he said.
"Did what?"
"I put my penis in the pickle slicer. I got fired for it."
The psychiatrist was shocked. "Is your penis okay?"
"Yes, of course"
Now the psychiatrist was confused. "What about the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, yea. She got fired too."

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Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone are planning a costume party
and the theme is composers. Bruce tells the other stars, "I'll dress up as Mozart". Sylvester responds, "I'd be a great Beethoven". As the two are planning their costumes, Arnold checks the time and notices he's late for an appointment. As he hurries out the door, Bruce and Stallone ask "Hey, Arnold, who'll you dress up as? Arnold responds, as he walks out of the room, "I'll be Bach".

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A whale of a joke
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

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A man's wife lay dying in the hospital...
with a mysterious illness. After the doctor said that there was nothing else he could do, he turned and left the couple alone in the room. The man asked his wife "Honey, is there anything I can do for you before you go?"

She weakly replied "Yes. I want you to go down on me."
Her husband was shocked. "What? Why? You mean right here, now?"
"Yes, please dear. It would make me happy one last time."
So the husband reluctantly begins to carry out his wife's request. As his wife nears climax, she becomes more and more animated and finally screams out in pleasure.

The husband looks at her in shock, just as the doctors and nurses rush into the room. The wife looks at the everyone and says "I feel wonderful! Better than I've felt in my life!" The doctor, in disbelief, asked what had happened. The wife explained what had transpired, and just then her husband sat down on the bed weeping.
His wife asked, "Honey, why are you crying? You saved my life!"
Her husband answered her "Yes, and I'm so happy about that. It's just, to think, I could have saved Mom and Aunt Mary!"

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What's the difference between white time and black time (Warning. Dad joke)
The size of their clock.

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Smitten Patient
The patient was smitten with his proctologist. After receiving a clean bill of health he made another appointment anyway.
"I told you last time there was nothing wrong," the proctologist said.
"Please look again, I think there something in there," said the patient.
The proctologist started his exam, and exclaimed, "Jesus, there IS something in here!"
He reached in and pulled out a bouquet of flowers.
"Good God, there was a bouquet of flowers up your ass!" said the proctologist.
Looking back over his shoulder the patient exclaimed, "Read the card, read the card!"

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A man goes to his proctologist for an exam...
The doctor tells him to drop his drawers and let him know when he feels his thumb. After a few seconds, the doctor asks the man if he can feel it and the man replies no. A few seconds later, the doctor asks again. This time the man says yes he can feel the doctors thumb. At this point, the doctor leans over and waving both thumbs at the guys face says Surprise!

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A duck walks into a bar
He goes up to the bartender and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender replies, "No, sorry, this is a bar. We don't have any grapes." The duck turns and leaves.

The next day the duck returns to the bar and again asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, slightly flustered at this point, says, "No. This is a bar. We do not have grapes, we have never had grapes, and we will almost definitely never have grapes. The duck turns and leaves.

The following day, the duck once again returns to the bar and once more asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?" The bartender shouts, "No! We do not have any grapes! And the next time you ask I swear I will nail your beak to this bar!" The duck quickly waddles away in fright.

A day later, the duck cautiously approaches the bar. As the bartender glares, the duck asks, "Got any nails?" With a surprised and confused expression, the bartender replies, "No..." With a pleased expression, the duck responds, "Good. Got any grapes?"

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The first time your mom saw me naked
She asked for an epidural

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A man happily walks into a bar...
he then goes up to the barkeep and says: "sir, I'd like to order 4 shots of vodka and a round for everybody!"

So the barkeep fulfills his orders and serves the happy man his drink; curious he asks: "hey man, why are you so happy today?"

"Today's the day that I got into an orgy for the 1st time ever" the man says.

The barkeep pours the man another shot and says: "congrats man, here's another on the house!"

The man then says: "thanks, but I don't know if that's enough to wash the taste of dick out of my mouth."

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3 northern Englishmen are talking over some beers
One says proudly "I've shagged 3 girls in the last few months, its such a reflection of my charm. I bet you two cant top that"


The second says "Oh yeah? Well, I've got 4 girlfriends, who not only let me shag whenever I want, but also buy me gifts all the time. Im a better man than you both"


The third is smirking. He takes a sip from his beer, and says "You two got nothin on me. Ive got 3 wives. They all live with me and I have to put up with their shit all day. Thats big o'me."

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Anything but Guinness...
A guy goes into a liquor store and the guy behind the counter asks if he needs any help. He says "I'll take a case of beer please. Anything but Guinness!"
Clerk: "Sure buddy, but what's wrong with Guinness? It's one of our top sellers!"
Guy: "I don't have anything bad to say about the taste or anything like that, it's just that the last time I drank a case of Guinness to myself, I blew chunks!"
Clerk: "I don't think Guinness is your issue... If you drink a case of any beer to yourself you will blow chunks!"
Guy: "No sir, you don't understand. See, Chunks is my dog!"

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Gesundheit.
A doctor is waiting at his gate for a flight when a woman sits down right across from him. After about 30 seconds, she sneezes, then shudders, then moans with a smile. 30 seconds later again, sneeze, shudder, moan, smile.

The doctor, now curious says, "Excuse me ma'am, I'm a doctor and I was wondering why you seem so happy after you sneeze."

She replies, "I have a rare condition where every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The doctor asks," Are you taking anything for it? "

She says, " Yes.... Pepper. "

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Mary nursery rhyme
Mary had a little watch,

she swallowed it one day.

Then Mary took a laxative

to pass the time away.

Well, time went on and time went on,

and time still wouldn't pass.

So, if you want to know what time it is,

just look up Mary's ^brother ^in ^Omaha. ^He's ^got ^a ^Rolex.

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Dirty Joke
My sex life with my wife has started degrading.

Guess it's time to Bury her corpse

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TIME JOKES THAT ARE...

Time jokes can be funny or dirty, insulting of disgusting. Most of them are suitable for kids and family.

BEST SHORT JOKES

Short jokes about time, one liners, thoughts and captions that are funny and will make you laugh.

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.
You see, it used to get cold outside

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If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...
Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

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If i had a dime for every time i didn't understand what's going on.
I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

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As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time"
I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?

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My girlfriend always takes long showers after watching movies starring Chris Pratt
I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Chris Pratt.

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If I had a nickel for every time I didn't know what was going on...
...I'd be like why do I keep getting all these fucking nickels?

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Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?
[Twice removed]

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(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding
Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

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My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him

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Told my wife I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.
She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.

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BEST DIRTY JOKES

Jokes about the dirtiest way possible you can find to spend time.

Dirty Joke
My sex life with my wife has started degrading.

Guess it's time to Bury her corpse

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Bath time
Wanna hear a clean joke?

Billy took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirty joke?

Bubbles was a clown...

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(Very) dirty joke time: How does a mother in West Virginia know when her daughter is on her period?
Her son's dick tastes like blood.

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It's time for dirty limericks!
There once was a lady from Decatur
Who got laid by a large alligator.
But nobody knew
The result of that screw
Because after he laid her, he ate her.

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Gee, that's a nice set of legs, what time do they open?

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I know an archaeologist who can tell you what period a tampon was from.

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A lecturer who was drunk walked in a class.


Ater few minutes he wanted to urinate, he ran out and open a zip slowly, so that he may urinate.
After urinating, that's when he realized that the zip he opened was for a jacket.

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Q: What does it mean if you were born in September?
A: That your parents started the new year with a bang!

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My friend's girlfriend is 6 months pregnant, they asked if I wanna put my hand on the baby.

Apparently, they meant from the outside.

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Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? He only comes once a year.

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BEST STUPID JOKES

Stupid time jokes about blonde, redneck men and drunk people doing dull things.

A scientist is trying to prove that all blonds are stupid
so he holds an all blond convention and randomly picks someone from the crowd. First he asks her what two plus two is. She answers seven, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!". So this time he asks her what ten minus four is. She answers thirteen, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!". So this time he asks her what is five times five is. She answers twenty-five, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!".

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An elementary teacher wanted to introduce physiological notions to her students.
She asks her class: Whoever feels stupid at times stand up!
After a while, little Johnny stands up, grudgingly.
The teacher asks: So Johnny, you feel stupid from time to time?
Little Johnny replies: No ma'am, it's just painful to see you standing all alone.

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Honking the whole time isn't going to make everyone in front of you go any faster.
Stupid geese.

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Mutual Agreement
In the middle of an argument a man said to his wife, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time!"

The wife responded calmly, "Allow me to explain...the good Lord made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; and he made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

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My friends said my shoes looked stupid.
I told them they were wrong, and that I get compliments like "Nice shoes, fag!" all the time.

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We live in an age where mentioning you read a book seems a little bit like you're showing off.

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An interesting joke
I remember a joke from a stand up show .
If I remember correctly it's from Gabriel Iglesias when he was in Saudi Arabia. The joke goes something like this .

Two Jews walk into a bar . Not in my country hehehe.

I remember this stupid joke from time to time and it cracks me up everytime

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Why was the blonde so proud of herself? She finished a puzzle in 5 hours, the box said 3-5 years.

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What car brands mean
Ford-Flipped Over Rebuilt Dodge

Pontiac-Plan On Numerous Trips In Another Car

Fiat- Fix It Again Tony

Chevrolet-Cracked Heads, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time

Nissan-Needless Innovations, Silly, Stupid, Automotive Nonsense

GM-Gluteus Maximus

GMC-God's Mechanical Curse

LTD-Long, Thin Dumpster

Oldsmobile-Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.

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A lecturer who was drunk walked in a class.


Ater few minutes he wanted to urinate, he ran out and open a zip slowly, so that he may urinate.
After urinating, that's when he realized that the zip he opened was for a jacket.

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BEST MEAN JOKES

Funny mean jokes about hilarious time.

On the first day of the deer hunting season, a hunter fell out of a deer stand and broke both his legs.
"Why couldn't this happen on my last day of hunting?!" the hunter cried to the doctor.
"It did," the doctor replied.

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I never knew happiness till I got married.
By then it was too late.

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Single and ready to get nervous around anyone I find attractive.

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I decided to grab a burger at a drive-thru.


There were no cars in sight, so I rolled up to the pay window.
"We're still serving breakfast. And you have to order at the speaker," the clerk scolded.
I drove all the way around the building to the squawk box and ordered a breakfast sandwich.
"I'm sorry," she said, "we are now serving lunch."

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St. Peter was sat next to the god in heaven when the all of a sudden the pearly gates started to rattle.
God said to Peter,"go and see who is rattling the gates."
Peter ran down the stairway to heaven and opened the pearly gates and there stood a dirty unwashed man in a vest.
Peter looked the man up and down and said "yes' can I help you?"
The man replied in a broad Irish accent, "Top of the mornin to ya sur, would the good lord have any scrap he be not wanting?"
St. Peter stood silent for a moment then said: "wait here a moment."
Peter shut the gate and ran back up the stairway to heaven and said to God, "It's Pykies my lord, wanting scrap."
God says to St. Peter "Shit! Lock everything up and hide the keys, then go back down and tell them to bugger off!"
Peter runs down the stairway to heaven opens the gate and tells "the pykie to bugger off, slams the pearly gates shut and locks it. Peter returns to the lord."
God says to Peter, "we'll give it half hour then go and see if they have gone."
A half hour passed.
"Peter! Go and see if they have gone!"
Peter runs down the stairway to heaven then returns to God panting and says to God "They have gone, my Lord!"
"Good" says God, "and so have the pearly gates, my lord."

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Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.


You are currently in 352nd place and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

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An internal auditor for a manufacturing group was concerned about anomalies in stock levels.


He thought someone might be pinching stock but he couldn't prove it.
He had his eye on one shifty-looking individual who every day drove his old truck out of the factory with the load covered by a tarpaulin.
Time after time the auditor stopped the bloke, made him remove the tarpaulin and then inspected the load.
On every occasion, there was only scrap metal in the truck which the driver said he was taking to the tip.
On three occasions the auditor made the bloke remove the tarpaulin and then unload the scrap in front of him, suspecting that there might be stolen stock hidden underneath.
Nothing.
He could never find anything amiss.

After a few months of this, the auditor was offered a better job elsewhere and resigned.
A few weeks later he was drinking in a pub when the shifty character walked in. On an impulse, the auditor went up to him and said, "Look, I've left the company, I'm not interested in taking it any further and I won't stop you, but I just have to know. What were you taking?"
And the bloke said "Tarpaulins."

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This woman was driving home in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
She stopped the car and asked the woman if she'd like a ride.
The woman thanked her and got in the car.
After a few minutes, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the back seat and asked the driver what was in the bag.
The driver said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman thought for a moment, then said, "Good trade."

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A married couple has invoked the ghosts, after 15 minutes of invoking has appeared only the face of the grandmother of the man.
The married couple has asked the grandmother together: "What would you like to tell us dear granny? "
The granny has said: "I am looking forward to seeing you soon. Have a nice day!"

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A man has visited a fortune teller because he wanted to know his future.


The fortune teller has taken a look at him from his head to his toes and has said: "you will be not rich because you have a very small ass and with such an ass it is not possible to sit on two seats."

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BEST BLACK HUMOR JOKES

Sick time jokes for people with dark sense of humor.

My skydiving instructor would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions.
One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"
Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."

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A guy wasn’t feeling well and went to the doctor for a check up.


He did the tests and waited.
After a while, the doctor came in with the results.
"Unfortunately, I have very bad news! You’re seriously ill! You have really not much time to live.."
"Doctor..! How much time do I have..?"
"Ten..."
"Ten what? Months? Years? What?!"
"Nine...Eight...Seven..."

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Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours.


Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

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A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "

I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday."
Well, you can imagine her disappointment.
The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything.
She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?"
He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"

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"Excuse me, how do I get to the hospital quickly?"
"Just stand in the middle of the road for a while."

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A guy asks his waiter at a restaurant how they prepare their chicken.


The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, "Nothing special really... We just tell them they're going to die..."

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Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment.


"I’m sorry," said the receptionist, β€œwe can’t fit you in for at least two weeks."
"But I could be dead by then!"
"No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment."

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What happened when the cannibal got a religion?
He only ate Catholics on Fridays!

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I'll never understand how you can come up second in a biathlon.


I mean – you've got a gun, haven't you?

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Granny congratulates Johny to his birthday and tells him:
"

May you live so many years, how many steps you made to the church during these years!"
Suddenly appears the Death and tells Johny:
"Have you heard your Granny's wish?
So, pack up your suitcases, tomorrow you'll finally go with me, mac!
Those 4 steps will not save ya!"

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WHAT ARE TIME JOKES ABOUT?

Time is if great topic to laugh at. Some of the funniest jokes ever are about time.

Are Time jokes funny? For sure! There is no such thing as boring time joke here. All jokes are funny in their own way. You can also read time jokes images on Pinterest or watch videos with time jokes on YouTube.

TOP CHUCK NORRIS JOKES THAT ARE TIME

Funny quotes about Chuck Norris doing amazing things in all history times.

Scientists called it a big bang, Chuck Norris called it an alarm clock.

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Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.

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Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

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People say that time heals all wounds.
They obviously never got roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris

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Chuck norris was born onο»Ώ May 6 1945.
De Nazi surrenderd on May 7 1945.

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Chuck Norris is never late... time is just early.

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In an attempt to end WWII, President Harry Truman had Chuck Norris parachuted into Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
Sept. 2, 1945, the Japanese surrendered.

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Chuck Norris can play a whole note in 3/4 time.

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Chuck Norris was bitten by a cobra, cobra died after 5 days.

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Chuck Norris walked his version of a 40-yard dash in 5.

6 seconds; he was later told it was the Boston Marathon.

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Chuck Norris once slapped a man into next week.
The man was missing for four and a half years.

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Chuck Norris was born Sept. 1 1945.
World War 2 ended Sept. 2 1945.
What a coincidence.

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Chuck Norris went out of an infinite loop.

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Chuck Norris traveled around the world in 60 milliseconds.

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Chuck Norris has sneezing allergies in the mid-to-late fall.


This time is typically referred to as hurricane season.

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God wanted 10 days to build the world, Chuck Norris gave him 6.

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Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf.

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Chuck Norris can run so fast he can cause time travel.

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Chuck Norris told his iPhone 2g it was a iPhone 4.
He can now multi task and use face time.

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Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.

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In 1666, Chuck Norris caught the Plague.


The Plague learned its lesson, and has stayed away since then.

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15 years ago I started a burping contest with Chuck Norris.

.. who had the longest?
I don't know he is still busy.

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Years ago Chuck Norris set up a simple little home network and gave it a name.


It's called the internet.

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The last time Chuck Norris was hungry, all the dinosaurs suddenly got extinct...

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Chuck Norris one checked the Library of Congress for typos during his lunch hour.

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CNN was originally created as the "

Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.

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Sometimes when Chuck Norris stares at the stars too long they get scared.


These are known as black holes.

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Chuck Norris did the blue whale challenge.


By the 50th day, his instructor had jumped off the building.

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A time paradox was invented when Chuck Norris went back in time to raise himself.


Now he has provoked the event 2012.

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In 1945 Chuck Norris drank a Redbull and jumped out a plane.

For image results, Google the word Hiroshima.

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Chuck Norris once spent a month in El Paso one night.

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Chuck Norris's Birthday is October 32th.

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Chuck Norris watched the first season of "24" in 5 hours.

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Chuck Norris went an hour without killing... just to kill some time.

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The world won't end in 2012, it will end when Chuck Norris gets bored of it.

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Night time... when Chuck Norris tells the sun it's time for bed.

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Chuck Norris beat the light speed by 2 hours and 23 minutes.

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Chuck Norris once raced light.
He is still waiting for it to catch up.

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Some of us can "save the day," Chuck Norris can save a century.

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Michael Jackson does moonwalk because he doesn't have time to turn and run away from Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris hit you tomorrow, is going to hit you yesterday, and you're now dead.

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Chuck Norris doesn't need to change the past.
He has never made any mistakes.

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There's an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.

..
Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.

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Once Chuck Norris went back in time and kicked a ball.
When it landed it wiped out the dinosaurs.

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Scientists have predicted the world will end in 2012, but that's just a guess when Chusk Norris' patience will run out.

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The phrase "Just a second" comes from the time it takes for Chuck Norris to heat up a cup of coffee.

.. with his breath.

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Chuck Norris bunked school one day.
Till today that day is known as Sunday.

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What time is it when Chuck Norris knocks on your door?
Too Late!

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May 6th, 1945: A then five-year old Chuck Norris swam the Atlantic Ocean.


The next day, the Nazis surrendered...

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Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth.
Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

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Chuck Norris can listen to 24 hours worth of music and not move a single muscle.

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We'll want to preserve Chuck Norris for future generations, when he dies.


We won't be needing cryogenics cos Chuck's already frozen.

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Chuck Norris does infinit loops in 4 seconds.

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Chuck Norris doesn't wear a wristwatch.
He always knows when it's time to kick some ass.

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Sundials tell the time according to the position of Chuck Norris.

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If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.

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Chuck Norris kills time in his spare time.

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Time keeps going only to run away from Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris tells clocks what time it is.

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Last year Chuck Norris won the prize for best float at the Carnival in Rio simply by walking in the parade wearing his cowboy hat.

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Chuck Norris sleeps with every woman on the planet once a month... and they bleed for a week.

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Once chuck norris and time had race.
Result: The time is still running.

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Chuck Norris graduated college in one hour.

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Chuck Norris actually went to Rome by all roads. At the same time.

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Chuck Norris made time wait.

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Chuck Norris once saw a video that takes 24 hours to watch...
He saw it 3 times a day.

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Every 5 seconds, somewhere in the world, someone dies of Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris doesn't check the time - he decides it.

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Chuck Norris can literally kill time.

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In 1986 the U.S.S.R. attempted to clone Chuck Norris.
The scientists failure was covered up and we now know their attempt as the Chernobyl disaster.

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Chuck Norris' day consists of 25 hours.

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Chuck Norris updates his DNA every 5 minutes.

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Once Chuck Norris swam all the oceans for 7 days and oceans got cold.

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When Chuck Norris sets his watch, he sets time itself.

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2012 is the predicted date for the end of the world.


The only rational explanation is Chuck Norris.

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The world ends on December 21st, 2012.


Only because that's when Chuck Norris masters the Falco Punch.

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Chuck Norris is ambidextrous.
He can do Roundhouse kicks with his left and right leg.
All at the same time.

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TOP LIFE JOKES THAT ARE TIME

It's sex time. Let's have some sexual jokes right on time.

Three guys in a cell are just starting life sentences...
The first guy pulls out a deck of cards and says, "We're going to be here a long time, so when we get bored we can play poker."

The second guy says, "Great idea. I brought a harmonica, so when we get sad I can play a song to cheer us up."

The third guy pulls out a box of tampons. "What the hell are they for?" ask the first two guys.

"Well, it says on the back that I can ride, swim, ski, *and* play tennis with these."

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I haven't worked out since...
I haven't worked out since that one time I tried to reach for a bag of chips at the foot of the bed and did a sit-up by mistake.

That wasn't the joke. The joke is my life.

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So two people are about to have sex for the first time
and the lady says, "Unfortunately I have small boobs, is that alright with you?"

To which the male replies, "Yea it's alright, I have a dick like a baby."

After the sex the lady exclaims, "You have the biggest penis I have ever seen in my life, Why did you say it was like a baby?"

"It is. 9 pounds 6 ounces and a foot in height."

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Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not find out about each other.

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A man and his wife have four beautiful daughters
They decide they want one more child. Sure enough, nine months later they have a fifth. Overjoyed when he can finally see it, the man looks at it in the nursery of the hospital, and it is the ugliest child he has ever seen in his life. He talks to his wife and says, "There is no way that child is mine! We have four beautiful daughters! Have you been cheating on me?"

She says "Not this time, honey."

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Good Mother in Law
A daughter was talking to her mom about married life, she told her mom that she wanted to divorce her husband because he liked anal sex. She told her mom that when she married her husband her asshole was the size of a dime and now it was the size of a quarter. Her mom said honey, he is a millionaire, he gives you $10,000 a week for clothes, you travel all the time, you have houses all over the world, you get a new Mercedes every 6 months and you are bitching about 15 cents?

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Dirty Joke
My sex life with my wife has started degrading.

Guess it's time to Bury her corpse

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How's your sex life?
3 women are having a conversation about their sex lives. The first woman has been married 1 year. "My husband and I have 'house sex' because we do it anywhere in the house, any time." The second woman has been married 10 years. "We have 'bedroom sex' which is only in the bedroom after the kids have gone to sleep." The third woman has been married 30 years. "My husband and I have 'hallway sex'... We pass each other in the hallway and say 'screw you!'"

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A boy has sex for the first time...
he comes home and tells his father the exciting news. "Oh son, that is great! You're a man now, I'll go and grab some beers."

The father returns and hands his son a beer and says "now, do you have any questions about your experience of sex? It's an important part of your life."

The boy says "Yes I do. How long until my bum stops hurting?"

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So my best friend is a priest...
...but he's still really cool. Like, this one time I walked up to him and said "Dude, I just took the biggest shit of my life!"
He didn't even make a big deal out of it. He just calmly said "Steve, please get out of the confession booth."

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Life is like a Penis
It's simple, relaxed and hanging free most of the time.
It's women who make it hard.

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Two Jewish banker escaped from that sinking Italian cruise ship
They were both clinging to a life preserver. One guy, knowing the other can't swim, says, " I'm going to try to swim to shore to get some help. Can you float alone?"

The second Jewish banker says, "how could you talk business at a time like this?"

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the most awkward time in my life
Was when I locked my keys in my car and had to walk into the nearby abortion clinic to ask to borrow a coat hanger.

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A real man can feel embarrassed only two times in his life...
the first time when he can't manage the second time, and the second time when he can't manage the first time.

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The doctor gave me one year to live.
So in the heat of the moment, I shot him.
And the judge gave me 15 years.
Problem solved.

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Women...
are like hardwood floors. Lay 'em right the first time, and you can walk all over them for the rest of your life.

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My skydiving instructor would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions.
One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"
Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."

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Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

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We live in an age where mentioning you read a book seems a little bit like you're showing off.

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By the time you learn the rules of life, you're too old to play the game.

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Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours.


Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

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The light at the end of the tunnel... might just be an incoming train.

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Ok, what's the latest possible date that I can still make something of my life?

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The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

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When I grow up, I'm going to make my kids watch the movie "

2012" and tell them I survived that.

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I walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read, "

One day, this could be you." I put my money back in my pocket, just in case he's right.

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An old man tells his psychiatrist that he is already very old and he has committed during his life many sins.
The psychiatrist wanted to help him, so he has asked him: "And how long are you with your wife?"
The man answered: "45 years."
The psychiatrist said: "DonΒ΄t have the fear, because after your death you will be surely added to the sufferers, sleep well."

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The November 5th Gunpowder Plot has been described as the 9/11 of its day.


Staged by the government to discredit an entire religion.

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I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

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My doctor told me you 'll be alive only for 24 hours! When I wanted to leave him he told me: "

Excuse me I had forgotten to tell you that yesterday."

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Till now my life was a mystery now I am going to make it a history.

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What happened when the cannibal ate the speaking clock?
It repeated on him.

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Clinging on to past and living is like driving forward while watching the rear view mirror...

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The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

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I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.

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I could be a morning person. If morning started around noon.

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We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.

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If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer ...oh wait, he does.

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One-seventh of your life is spent on Mondays.

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Doc says, "Joe, I got some bad news for you. You've got six months to live."
Joe says, "Six months? Doc, I can't pay your bill in six months, I can't do it!"
Doc says, "OK, I give you a year..."

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I just hired a private investigator to find out what I do all day.

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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

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The early bird gets the worm but the late worm gets to live.

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Two eggs were kissing on a bed when the female egg said, "I have to go change.

I'll be back in a minute."
Five minutes later, the the female egg walked out in a slinky "egg"lige, rubbing her hands up and down her smooth, oval-shaped body.
Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his head, covering it completely.
"What are you doing?," the female egg asked.
He replied, "The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the head with a spoon."

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Comedy is tragedy plus time.

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I threw a boomerang many years ago. I now live in constant fear.

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May all your troubles last as long as your New Years resolutions?

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Time does'nt exist. Clocks exists.

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Terrorists take a group of lawyers hostage.


They ask for a ransom of $20 million and threaten to release one lawyer at a time if not given what they ask for.

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You know when you're getting older by remembering the past embarrassment of not zipping up your fly but now hoping you remember when to unzip.

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Big inspection on a build site/yard.
The boss tells the workers : what ever happens just act as usual.
The inspection committee were inspecting when a wall just colapses.
-(Worker looking at his watch) : 10:15, just on time

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I came up with a joke about omegle
I have seen more dicks on here in an hour than most prostitutes see in a life time.

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A news station was interviewing an 80-year old woman who had just gotten married for the 4th time in her life.
The interviewer was asking her questions about her life, about how it felt to be marrying again at 80, and about her spouse.

The lady mentions hat her new husband is a funeral director.

Then the reporter asks her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little bit about her first three husbands.

She pauses for a few moments, needing some time to reflect on all of those years. After a short time, she shares some details about her first husbands.

The first, she says, was a banker, whom she married in her 20s. In her 40s, she married a circus ringmaster. In her 60s, she married a preacher, and now, in her 80s, she's marrying a funeral director.

The reporter asks her why, if there was any reason, did she choose to marry those specific people.

She responds, "Well, I married one for the money, two for the show. Three to get ready, and four to go!"

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Girls With Big Tits.
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a beautiful girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a beautiful girlfriend with big tits.

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The diffrences between WIFE and GIRLFRIEND
A boy:

-What are the differences between WIFE and GIRLFRIEND, Dad?
His Daddy replies:

-My dear, Wife is a TV. Girl friend is a HandPhone. At home watch TV. Go out, bring HandPhone. No money, sell TV. Got money, change HandPhone. Sometimes enjoy TV, but most of the time play with HandPhone. TV is free for life. But HandPhone, if you don't pay, services will be TERMINATED!!! But you should be careful with both, my dear son!

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A gay man goes to church.
So a wealthy gay man living up life in the big city decides it's time for some quiet living. He moves to a small rural community where he hopes to make some friends and enjoy the clean country air. Figuring the best way to meet the neighbors was at the local church, he decides to attend services and get to know his neighbors. The church was a quaint little white building made entirely of wood. He felt out of place in a brand new Armani suit while everyone else was wearing suits that were at least a decade old from the look of them, and most likely handed down. During the service, he was moved by the preachers retelling of the prodigal son returned, and realized that the community he was now living in was more than just rural but poor as well. When the collection plate started to come around, he was amazed that only a few bills and some change were in it by the time it got to him. He silently took out his bill fold which had over a thousand dollars and put it all in the basket. When the basket was returned, up front, the pastor saw the huge bill fold and then cried out, "Will the person who made such a great donation please rise and select three hymns?" The gay man jumped up, pointed at three strapping young men and said, "I'll take him, him, and him."

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Scotsman at a baseball game
A Scotsman newly immigrated to the U.S. wants to immerse himself in American life, so he goes to a baseball game. He has no clue how it's played, but every time the batter takes off for first base all the people around him yell, "Run! Run!" So he stands up and yells, "Rrrrun, laddie! Rrrrun!"

In the fourth inning a batter gets walked. When the umpire calls ball four he tosses the bat aside and starts ambling toward first at a leisurely pace. The Scotsman jumps up and yells, "Rrrrun, laddie! Rrrrun!" but the guy sitting next to him nudges him and says, "No, no, he's got four balls, he gets to walk." The Scotsman says, "Four balls?" He looks back out at the player, raises his fist and intones, "Walk prrrroud, laddie! Walk PRRROUD!"

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A man is lost in the dessert.
Finally after crawling for what feels like a life time he comes across a salesman setting up a small stall. "Oh thank the gods, please, I'm so thirsty can you please spare me some water? I have money it's all yours for a drop."
The salesman opens one his cases and pulls out a selection of fine silk ties "I'm afraid I have no water but I can offer you silk ties, for you I make a very good price, you will not be disappointed".

Exhausted and confused the man asks what the hell he would want a tie for in the middle of the dessert, and calls the sales man all the names under the sun. "For your bad manners my ties are now $100 each, but I am not entirely without pity. If you head due west of here for a day, you will find a restaurant owned by my cousin, he has the purest most refreshing water you could ever hope to drink".

The man mumbles a thanks and heads on his way.

Two days later the salesman sees the man again crawling back towards him, looking even more ravaged by the sun than he had before. "What is the matter sir, did you have problems with my directions?"

"No your fucking cousin wont let me in without a tie"

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A man goes to Jerusalem...
Mr. Adams has lived in New York all his life. He has a number of Jewish friends, and, as time went on, they all visited Israel sooner or later. They all come back raving about what a great time they had, and Mr. Adams ultimately decides to see it for himself.

On his second day in Jerusalem, Mr. Adams notices that the sun seems to be going down at four pm. He is very confused until he realized that his watch had stopped. Now this is quite a problem; he needs a functioning watch to catch his train out of the city the next day, but, not speaking Hebrew, he isn't sure where he could find one.

While puzzling this over, he hears a ticking sound from across the street. Looking up, he sees a storefront filled with every kind of watch, clock, and timepiece imaginable. Grandfather clocks, carriage clocks, cuckoo clocks, water clocks, egg timers, sundials, wrist watches, pocket watched, and hour glasses, stacked to the ceiling. He crosses the street and entered the shop. He mimes to the man behind the counter that he needs the watch fixed, and the man goes to get the owner from the back. On arriving, the owner says:

"I don't think you understand, Sir, I'm not a clock maker. I can't help you with your watch."

"You're not? Then what are you?"

"I'm a mohel."

"You're a what?"

"It means I perform circumcisions."

"If you're a mohel, what's with all the clocks in the window?"

"Well what do you EXPECT me to put there?"

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Ed Zachary
A lady was having a hard time getting a date. After months of trying everything she could think of, she went to the doctors to see if there was anything she could do to improve her love life.

The receptionist explained that her usual doctor was on vacation, and she was going to be seen by Dr. Chang.

She waited in the exam room for a while and finally Dr. Chang entered.
After explaining her issues Dr. Chang said "Ok, now you take off your croves."
The lady thought this was odd, but took off her clothes and stood in front of the doctor.
"Now, you get on your hands and knees and crawl to other side of room." he instructed.
The lady, still thinking it odd, was desperate so she did as instructed.
"Now crawl back to me from other side of room." Dr. Chang ordered.
Wanting desperately for any results, the lady crawled back to Dr. Chang on her hands and knees.

After much thought Dr. Chang was ready to give his diagnosis.

"I am a verry sorry." said Dr. Chang, "but you have Ed Zachary disease, and you can never get date."
"Oh, no what is that?!" said the worried lady.
The Dr. replied "Ed Zachary disease...your face look Ed Zachary like your ass."

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Blind, Deaf, Dumb...
The Pope was dying and his followers were given to believe that his life would be saved if he slept with a woman.

That's impossible,' said the Pope. 'I am the Holy Father and cannot contravene God's law.'

They spent a long time trying to persuade him. 'It is in order to save your life, so that you can serve God further,' they argued. And at last the Pope agreed.

'All right,' he said, 'but the following conditions must be fulfilled. In the first place, the woman must be blind, so that she cannot see me.'

'We shall find a blind one,' they answered.

'In the second place, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear my voice.'

'We shall find one who is deaf too,' they promised.

"Thirdly, she must be dumb, so that she cannot tell anyone what has taken place.

And fourthly, she must have big tits...'

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I never remember silly things
A few old couples used to get together to talk about life and to have a good time.

One day one of the men, Harry, started talking about this fantastic restaurant he went to the other night with his wife.

Really? ,

one of the men said, what's it called? After thinking for a few seconds the Harry said, what are those good smelling flowers called again?

Do you mean a rose? the first man questioned.

Yes that's it, he exclaimed.

Looking over at his wife he said, Rose what's that restaurant we went to the other night?

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Two statues
There were once two statues. One of a man and one of a woman. One day a genie came to the statues and brought them to life.

"I have awoken you for only thirty minutes. You may do whatever you want" the genie says.

The two statues smile at each other and go into some nearby bushes. The bushes shake and the genie hears giggling coming from the bushes.

Fifteen minutes later the two statues come out of the bushes holding hands and smiling.

"Why have you come out so soon?" the genie said, "you still have fifteen more minutes."

The two statues look at eachother.

"Shall we do it again?" said the man to the woman.

"Okay," says the woman, "but this time you pin down the squirrel and I'll shit on it's face."

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John's wife is always complaining that their sex life is really boring...
...since John only knows the missionary position.So,after all that nagging,John decides to do some internet research on the subject.He spends hours watching porn on line,getting ready to blow his wife's mind.The next time they go to bed,he says to the wife:"I know that our sex life has been quite boring,so I want to try something new this time".The wife is still skeptical,but decides to give it a shot.So John starts as always with the missionary position but suddenly he just freezes,not a single move,not even breathing.After 10 seconds like that he continues like nothing happened!The wife is all freaked out,of course."WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?" she yells at him."Well,it's something that I picked up from the internet.It's a huge thing I guess,all the porn stars do it.It's called buffering"!..

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Impressing Chicks On The Beach
A scrawy guy has a hard time attracting women on the beach....so he goes to the life guard and asks for advice and the lifeguard tells him "Next time...wear a speedo 2 sizes small and drop a potato inside" the guy decides to follow the advice

The next day...the scrawny guy comes back and all the women run away in horror except for the lifeguard. The guy asks the lifeguard "You told me this would work!"

The lifeguard shook his head and said "The potato...goes in the front"

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Another baaaaad sheep shagging joke :)
A farmer and his best mate are standing at the fence to his corn field, and having a leisurely time talking about the past. The farmer takes his pipe out of his mouth, and points to 2 corn circles, cut out in his field.

"You see them there corn circles, m'boy?" he says. His mate nods.

"Them circles, is where I had the best night o' my life. The one over there, on the left, is where I had my very first shag. God, she was beautiful, prettier than I'd ever seen."

His mate nods again, and asks "What about the one on the right then?"

"That one, my old beauty, " the old farmer replies, "is where her mother stood and watched us."

"**WHAT?**" says his mate in horror; "She stood and **watched you?** Didn't she say anything?"

"Yep, she did." replies the farmer. "**BAAA!**"

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One of my grandpa's better jokes
An old man is walking along the beach one day when suddenly God appears and says to the man, "You know, you've been a good man and faithful to me all your life. I'm going to grant you one wish. What would you like?"

The man thought about it and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive there any time I want."

God said, "I can't do that, there would be too many problems. Where would I even get all the steel from? Think of something else."

So the man says, "Lord, I've been married and divorced 4 times. All 4 of my wives made me feel like I was doing everything wrong when I thought I was right. Help me understand women."

God replies, "You want two lanes or four?"

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My Existence
I've been thinking all this time as to my existence. Was there really a point to what I was doing? Multiple times people have told me statements and statements and I just didn't get it. I was hopeless just reaching for the same goals and achieving just the same result. The same result of failure. No matter how and how many times I tried, it just wasn't successful. I didn't get anywhere in life, just trying the same thing for years. I just wanted that delicious goal of if I did succeed. Just that taste of delicious victory.... I just wanted it.

And that's when I realized it.

I'm a silly rabbit.

Trix are for kids.

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Patient: "I have spent 80% of my life’s savings on doctors.

"
Doctor: "Why didn’t you come to me earlier?"

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It currently feels like we're living in the "

Days Leading Up To..." section of the history books.

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Although I have to repeat myself several times for my children to listen, I take great comfort knowing that one day nothing will annoy them more than me repeating myself.

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Live every day like it was the last day, and one day you won't miss.

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What did the egg say to the boiling water?
"How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."

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There's an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.

..
Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.

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A woman goes to a doctor, doctor, I'm tired of life, want to finish my life, what is best to kill myself?
The doctor says: "Should yourself 5 cm under your breast, you will be dead!"
2 weeks later, woman back at doctors, what happened?
I shot myself into my knee.

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Work emails are like the gym.
You sign up for it thinking it will be loads of fun.
You get bored of it within hours.
You only keep going to keep up your reputation.
The more you stay away, the harder it is to go back.

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The only thing worse than seeing something done wrong is seeing it done slowly.

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Time is at once the most valuable and most perishable of all our possessions.

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Kids, don't grow up... it's a trap!

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I thought I was just really tired but it's been 5 years so I guess this is how I look now.

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In my spare time I like to read, write, and fall in love with unavailable people.

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A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.

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Isn't it great to live in the 21st century? Where saluting the moths of the year become more important than to salute your friends...

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I made a graph of my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

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The first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest.

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I feel bad for single guys out there. Snap chat filters make 2s look like 10s. Good luck.

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People think New Years is a life-changing event.

If your life sucked last year, it's probably still going to suck tomorrow.

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An old man and woman hate each other, but remain married for years.


During their shouting fights, the old man constantly warns his wife, "If I die first, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
One day, the man abruptly dies.
After the burial, the wife goes straight to the local bar and begins to party.
Her friends ask if she isn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave.
The wife smiles, "Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried upside down!"

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A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off:
"I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."
Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note:
"I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job... Lead us not into temptation."

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An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."

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We'll want to preserve Chuck Norris for future generations, when he dies.


We won't be needing cryogenics cos Chuck's already frozen.

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My dotor told me: "I've tow news for U; one good and the other one bad, which one do U prefer to hear first?"
I replied I prefer the good one.
Doctor: "U will die after next 24 hours!"
I told: "Then what is the bad newsrnDoctor: "I forgot to tell U yesterday!"

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The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look.

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When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper "You did this."

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Stephen Hawking says we've got about 1,000 years to find a new place to live.

That isn't even enough time for my girlfriend to pack.

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Don't go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.

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You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

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Two Statues in the Park...
A male and a female, magically come to life. They only have 24 hours of life in them, so they put it to good use.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" says the male.

"Yes..." says the female shyly. They go hand in hand behind some bushes, and there is much rustling in the branches. An hour later, they both emerge together, tired but satisfied.

"Do you want to do it again?" The male says.

"Definitely!" The female coos. "But this time, you hold down the pigeons and I'll shit on them!"

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A man goes to Africa...
... to learn about the life there.

He figures the best way to do so is to live with some tribe in the desert. Unfortunately there are no women there and eventually he gets very horny after some.

He thinks the natives he lives with must feel the same and so he watches them for some time to find out how they solve their "needs".

After some time he finds out that every time one of the native ones goes behind one of the tents to the camels he gets back with a bright grin on his face.

So the man is really horny now and figures he hast to try this. So he sneaks behind one of the tents and... does what he has to do. When he comes back all of the tribesmen stand there and are laughing their asses off.

"Why are you laughing?", he asks, "you all do the same!".

"Yes, but we don't pick the ugliest one!"

---

My brother told me this one and i find it hilarious, wanted to share :)

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Rand al'Thor, the pun reborn.
Have you read the Wheel of Time series? I find the early books are quite exciting, but once it gets to the middle it starts to dragon.

You know.

Like drag... on.

That's the joke. You may now continue with your life, enriched by this experience.

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TOP TRAVEL JOKES THAT ARE TIME

Funny jokes about people on the go, sometimes even back in time.

Good Mother in Law
A daughter was talking to her mom about married life, she told her mom that she wanted to divorce her husband because he liked anal sex. She told her mom that when she married her husband her asshole was the size of a dime and now it was the size of a quarter. Her mom said honey, he is a millionaire, he gives you $10,000 a week for clothes, you travel all the time, you have houses all over the world, you get a new Mercedes every 6 months and you are bitching about 15 cents?

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What do we want?
Time Travel! When do we want it? It's irrelevant!

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With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.

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Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.

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Clinging on to past and living is like driving forward while watching the rear view mirror...

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We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.

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I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team.

But then I learned they don't cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

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Did you hear about the two poofters who went to London?
They were really pissed off when they found out Big Ben was a clock.

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"My wife drives like thunder."
"So fast?"
"No, every minute she strikes a tree."

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Chuck Norris can run so fast he can cause time travel.

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Chuck Norris traveled around the world in 60 milliseconds.

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A man comes home alone from work.
Suddenly he hears this voice saying: "Now its time to quit your job, sell your house, take your money and go to Las Vegas."
He doesn't pay much attention to it but after a week hearing the same voice, he thinks ok!
He quits his job, sells his house, withdraws all his money and goes to Vegas.
The moment he steps out of the plane the voice tells him "Find the nearest casino!"
He enters a casino and the voice says: " Go to the roulette-table and put all your money on 17 black!
He complies and the croupier spins the wheel and says "Rien ne va plus"
21 RED!
And then the voice goes "Damn!"

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A time travel joke
unfortunately not mine, but...


What do we want?
Time Travel!
When do we want it?
Irrelevant!

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Chuck Norris actually went to Rome by all roads. At the same time.

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A blonde bought a brand new car and decided to drive down from some place far off, to meet this friend.
She reached there in a few hours.
After spending a few days there, she decided to return, and called up her mother to expect her in the evening.
But she didn't reach home in the evening and not the next day either.
When she finally reached home on the third day, her distraught mother ran and asked her what happened?
She got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "These car designers are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!"

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A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time.


She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"
The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus.
It'll take you right there."
She thanked the officer and he drives off.
Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.
The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus.
That was three hours ago.
Why are you still waiting?"
The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

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A passenger train is creeping along, slowly.


Finally it creaks to a halt.
A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.
"What's going on?" she yells out the window.
"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.
Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.
Within five minutes, however, it stops again.
The woman sees the same conductor walk again.
She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"

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A cruise ship founders on a reef, and a man just manages to swim some miles and crawl up on a desert island.
After recovering from the ordeal, he begins to explore and finds to his great surprise (and pleasure) that the only other survivor of this terrible tragedy is Cindy Crawford.
They build a lean-to and find some food and water.
After a few weeks, it becomes clear that help is not on the way, so they start to get intimate.
The guy is clearly ecstatic for a couple of weeks, but one morning she awakes to find him moping under a tree.
"What's the matter?" Cindy says: "Is there anything I can do?"
"Well, I am a little shy about asking you," he replies: "But could you take some of that charcoal from the fire and paint a mustache on your face?"
"A mustache? Well... I... I suppose so", and she does it.
"Now, there's just one other thing. Can I call you Bob... like my friend?"
"Bob? Well... if it will make you feel better... all right."
"Great!" he cries, looks at her and says: "Bob! You're never gonna believe who I'm fucking!"

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May 6th, 1945: A then five-year old Chuck Norris swam the Atlantic Ocean.


The next day, the Nazis surrendered...

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The bartender says "we don't serve time travelers in here". A time traveler walks into a bar.

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A guy rang up to air port and said: "

Do you mind me please to ask how long is from New York to Sanfransico?
The lady replied "A moment..."
Then the guy said "Thank you" and ceased conversation.

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Travel
Two old men meet at a bar one night and start talking about their wives. The first of man says, "I just got married for the third time maybe this one will work out. How about you how many times have you been married?"
The second man replies "I've only been married once. In fact this year makes fifty years and we are as happy as ever."
"Wow," says the first man, "that's quite an achievement. What's your secret?"
The second man thinks for a minute then says "Well I would have to say it's all the travel. We've been all over the world. In fact just last week I took her to London and in three or four years I'll go pick her up."

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Q: Did you hear that the travel agency NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN offers the flights over the Bermuda Triangle?
A: Mostly is the trip successful for the first time, max. for the second time. Very popular is also the camping in tents near the shore of the river Nile.

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Once Chuck Norris went back in time and kicked a ball.
When it landed it wiped out the dinosaurs.

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A hitchhiker walks down the road. Unfortunately, he has the runs and has to stop every 15 minutes.
A truck driver stops and offers a ride, but warns him that he won't stop for anything.
About 10 minutes on the road, the hitchhiker begs the truck driver to stop, and the driver tells him, "Stick your butt out the window if you have to go so bad."
The hitchhiker sticks his butt out the window and lets loose.
Unfortunately, he doesn't notice the two guys walking on the roadside.
Sprayed with feces, the first guy wipes his face and says, "What are them truckers chewing these days?"
The second guy wipes his face and says, "I don't know, but did you see the lips on that guy?"

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A man moved to a mountain top to get rid of the hustle and be alone.


One day he heard a knock at the door and no one was there but then he looked down and there sat a snail and it said "it is quite cold out here can I come in?"
The man shouted "NO why don't you all understand I want to be alone!" and he kicked the snail down the mountain.
One year later there was a knock at the door and no one was there and then he looked down and there again sat a snail and it said, "What did you do that for?"

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One evening a old man is traveling at 70mph in a 30mh zone a little further down the road.


A police car pulls him over and tells him "I've been following you for 5 minutes and you kept accelerating."
The police officer says to the speeder "I finish my shift in 2 minutes. If you can give me an excuse I haven't heard before I will let you go as it will save me any paper work."
The speeder replies "My wife ran away with a police officer 3 years ago, I thought you were bringing her back."
The police officer returns to his patrol car and drives a way.

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There were three guys manhers, shaup and shed.


They went for a drive, shed wanted to go to the store to pick up snacks for the ride.
So shed went in the store.
Twenty minutes passes they were getting impatient so manhers went in what's taking him so long.
Minutes later a police officer went to him and asked his name he replied "shaup!"
Police officer was startled what he said.
Police said "where's your manners boy!".
Shaup replied to the officer "he's inside picking up shed*

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George and Harry out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean.


After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are".
Harry let's out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover.
George says, "I still can't tell where we are, let's ask that guy on the ground".
So Harry yells down at the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?"
The man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air".
George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer".
And Harry says "How can you tell?".
George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate and totally useless".
That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and Harry:
They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".

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A medical student is driving home on a narrow country road in the middle of the night after his shift in the hospital.
The weather is terrible.
It's raining cats and dogs.
Suddenly a motorbike is screaming by with very high speed.
"Jesus Crhist! What an idiot! He will crash if he doesn't slow down!"
A few minutes later he spotted in his headlights on the side of the road the torn up motorbike against a big tree.
He stopped and quickly jumped out of his car to see in he can give first aid.
But it's to late.
The biker is already dead.
He looked around if there is anyone around. Nobody to see.
The student thouhgt "This is the oppertunity to finally obtain a real human eye!"
He always carryrna spoon and a glass eye in his pocket for an opperunity like this.
He quickly removes the left eye and places the glass eye in the socket.
One quick look around and he jumps in his car and races off.
The next morning when he wakes up he turned on the tv and watches the news.
It said: "Biker found dead on country road with 2 glass eyes."

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TOP MONEY JOKES THAT ARE TIME

Time is money. All time best jokes about spending money.

A man says to his wife "I bet you $100 you can't say something to make me happy and sad at the same time"...
The wife thinks for a moment, responds "Of all your friends. You have the biggest dick" and grabs the money.

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What are your best "If I had ____ for every time..." jokes?
Two of my favorites are:

1. "If I had a dollar for every existentialist moment I've ever had...Does money even matter?" - Can't remember the comedian.
2. "If I had a quarter every time a hobo asked me for spare change, I'd still say no" - Bo Burnham

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If I had a million dollars for every time I lost money...
I'd have $43.

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Two fisherman friends
Two fisherman friends meet for the first time in months and start to catch up.

* -So how are you?
* -I'm very well. I actually got married recently.
* -Congratulations, that's great news! So how is your wife, is she beautiful?
* -Not really...
* -Ah, so she's smart then?
* -Not at all...
* -Has she got money?
* -Nope.
* -Then why did you marry her?
* -She's got worms.

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What is the difference between a guitar player and government bonds?
Government bonds mature over time and earn money

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3 drunk guys
3 drunk guys enterd a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached the destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he had done. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

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I and my two mates went to a hooker and she told us that it will cost us a pound an inch.


My first mate went in and came out after minutes, saying, it cost me a tenner!
My second mate went in and came out ten minutes later and said, it cost me Β£9.50!
I went in and came out ten minutes later and said, it cost me Β£3.50.!
"What do you mean," they asked me.
"I told them, you both paid on the way in but I paid on the way out."

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I remember being in so much debt that I couldn'

t afford my electricity bills, it was a dark time.

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Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer money.

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I walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read, "

One day, this could be you." I put my money back in my pocket, just in case he's right.

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Doc says, "Joe, I got some bad news for you. You've got six months to live."
Joe says, "Six months? Doc, I can't pay your bill in six months, I can't do it!"
Doc says, "OK, I give you a year..."

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Marijuana is the gateway drug to taking 45 minutes to pick out which color Gatorade you want to buy.

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I let my kids follow their dreams, unless I already paid the registration fee on their last dream, then they follow that for 6-8 more weeks.

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A prominent lawyer calls a plumber to fix a leak in his shower.


After about 25 minutes the plumber hands him a bill for $200.00.
The lawyer, enraged, says:
β€œI’m a famous trial lawyer, and even I don’t make that kind of money for 25 minutes work!”
β€œNeither did I when I was a lawyer”, says the plumber.

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A man was telling his neighbor, β€œI just bought a new hearing aid.


It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.”
β€œReally,” answered the neighbor. β€œWhat kind is it?”
β€œTwelve thirty.”

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.


He only brought enough money for one beer though.
As hes drinking his beer, which was quite expensive, he realizes how bad he has to go to the bathroom.
Not wanting anyone to drink his expensive beer, he takes out a 3x5 note card and writes on it, "I SPIT IN THIS BEER", and walks to the bathroom.
When he comes back about 15 minutes later, theres another 3x5 note card next to his beer saying, "I SPIT IN IT TOO".

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After 40 years of hard work, a man retired with $5,000,000.

00 which he had gained through courage, diligence, initiative, skill, devotion to duty, thrift, efficiency, shrewd investment.
And the death of an uncle who left him $4,999,999.50.

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Terrorists take a group of lawyers hostage.


They ask for a ransom of $20 million and threaten to release one lawyer at a time if not given what they ask for.

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A frightened investor goes to his financial planner and asks if he’s at all worried about the volatility of the markets these days.
The planner replies that he sure does! In fact, he says that he sleeps like a baby.
The frightened investor was amazed!
"Really? Even with all the fluctuations?"
"Yup! I sleep for a couple of hours, and then I wake up and I cry for a couple of hours."

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A Japanese man was changing some money into GB Pounds at the airport....
A Japanese man was changing some money into GB Pounds at the airport. He was startled at the low amount of money he got back. He asked the attendant why the amount was so much lower than the previous time he was there.

"Fluctuations," replied the attendant.

Furious, the Japanese man yelled, "Well fuck you British too!"

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A plumber went to the attorneys house to unstop the sink.


When he finished he said to the attorney "that will be $400.00."
The attorney became irate "What do you mean $400.00, you were only here 20 minutes, that's ridiculous!!"
The plumber replied, "I thought the same thing when I was an attorney".

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We can't afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we're just going to take them to an IKEA instead.

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The economy got very bad in 2008.
I saw a pimp driving a beat up old Volkswagon.

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For a weddin' present Ledbetter gave his son Amos two hundred dollars.


Two weeks later he asked him, "W'atcha do with the money, son?"
"Ah bought me a wristwatch, Pappy!" answered the boy.
"Yew dumb ignoramous!" yelled his father.
"Yew should 'av bought yourself a rifle!"
"A rifle? What fer?"
"Suppos'n one day yew cum home and find some guy sleepin' wid yore wife," explained the older redneck.
"W'atcha gonna do? Wake him up and ask him what time it is?"

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This guy named "John" asked advice how to lose extra LBS gained during vacation and was told about some new fitness center.
So John went to check it out.
Walked in, put $10 on the counter and said: "I'd like to lose 10 LBS please?!"
The receptionist smiled and pointed to a pink door.
John walked slowly into the room and saw only a massage table, a gorgeous scantily dressed woman on the other side. She said in a sexy voice "If you catch me, you fxxx me! " John ran around n round, caught her and...
A few days later John returned. He put $20 on the counter and said "I'd like to lose 20 LBS. The smiling receptionist and pointed to a red door. John strutting to the door, and entered where he beheld 2 beautifully attired very hot n sexy women kissing and caressing each other, then they stood up, gazed at John, who was already moving toward them. And they purred "you catch us, you fuck us!"
Already in motion, John ran round n round caught one, then caught the other...
The following week John went back again.
He smiled while searching for the door he knew was waiting for him, and slapped $50 on the counter saying excitedly "50 LBS for 50 bucks."
The receptionist pointed to a black door.
John strode over with quick steps, opened the door and immediately heard a deep voice belonging to the biggest blackest buck naked she-male say excitedly
"I catch you I fuck you!"

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Easy way to farm
A man robbed a bank and hid out for a year before getting caught by the police but they still don't know where the money is.
When he gets caught he's sentenced to 25 years in prison.
While in prison he gets a call so he calls his wife and after a little conversation about life she asks,
"I don't know when to plant the potatoes, when is a good time to plant the potatoes and should I hire someone to till the garden?"
He replies "I'll have the rototilling done by tomorrow, you can plant them right afterwards."
Confused she just says "ok." And hangs up the phone.
Afterwards while the man is sitting in his cell he tells one of the guards " I can't hold it in any longer, I buried the money in my garden."

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Did you hear about the rageface that was given money to keep for an indefinite period of time?
It was forever a loan.

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If I had a dollar for every time I said this
I would be making money in a real weird way!

Best comic I ever heard, Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005).

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Read the fine print.
Boss: Let me fuck you just one time, I'll be quick and pay you $5000. I'll throw the money on the floor. I'll fuck you only for the time it takes you to bend down and pick up the money.

The girl likes the proposal and calls her boyfriend.

Boyfriend: Its fine but ask for $8000 and be very quick to pick up the money.

3 hours go by and the boyfriend calls her...

Boyfriend: What Happened?

Girlfriend: That bastard is still…

Aaah…

Fucking me…

Ahh...

He only brought pennies!!!

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Women as Expressed in a Formula
To find a woman you need time and money, Therefore we can state that:
Women = Time X Money

Time IS Money Therefore:
Time = Money

So
Women = Money X Money or
Women = (Money)2

Money is the root of all problem so
Money = Sqrt(Problems)

Therefore
Women = Sqrt(Problems)2

Which can be reduced down to:
Women = Problems
quod erat demonstrandum

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The diffrences between WIFE and GIRLFRIEND
A boy:

-What are the differences between WIFE and GIRLFRIEND, Dad?
His Daddy replies:

-My dear, Wife is a TV. Girl friend is a HandPhone. At home watch TV. Go out, bring HandPhone. No money, sell TV. Got money, change HandPhone. Sometimes enjoy TV, but most of the time play with HandPhone. TV is free for life. But HandPhone, if you don't pay, services will be TERMINATED!!! But you should be careful with both, my dear son!

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What is the best thing that happened to you?
As a kid I always dreamt of travelling the world, learn about other cultures and write my own book. When my father passed away he left me enough money to do so. I decided it was time to fulfill my dream.

One place my journey took me to was an island with an ancient tribe living on it that was almost untouched by western civilization. I decided to dedicate one chapter in my book to this tribe. It took me months to learn their language, but I finally managed to interview one of the natives.

"What was the best thing that has happened to you here?" I asked.
-"One time" he said, "a girl got lost in the jungle. When we found her the chief let everyone of us have sex with her as a reward."

Of course I couldn't write that down, so I asked: "Is that really the best thing that happened to you?!"
-"Well, now that you mention it: One day TWO girls got lost in the jungle. When we found them, everyone was allowed to have sex with them."

I realized I'm not getting anywhere with this question, so I asked him:
"Ok, what was the worst thing that has happened to you?"
He looked down.
"You see... one time, I got lost in the jungle."

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The Penguin Dilemma!
There's a truck driver hauling a load of Penguins going to the Zoo and his truck breaks down, so along comes another truck driver, stops and ask him if he needs help.
The truck driver says he has to get this load of Penguins to the zoo on time. The other truck driver says "well my trailers empty I could take the for you. The truck driver says "thats a great idea if you take these Penguins to the Zoo for me I'll give you $500.00." So the other driver says "you got a deal."
So a few hours go by and the broken down truck driver sees the other truck driver walking and the Penguins are following him. the truck driver says "hey, I gave you $500.00 to take those Penguins to the Zoo for me! " The other driver says, "I did take them to the Zoo, I had money left over and now I'm taking them to the movies!

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A man is lost in the dessert.
Finally after crawling for what feels like a life time he comes across a salesman setting up a small stall. "Oh thank the gods, please, I'm so thirsty can you please spare me some water? I have money it's all yours for a drop."
The salesman opens one his cases and pulls out a selection of fine silk ties "I'm afraid I have no water but I can offer you silk ties, for you I make a very good price, you will not be disappointed".

Exhausted and confused the man asks what the hell he would want a tie for in the middle of the dessert, and calls the sales man all the names under the sun. "For your bad manners my ties are now $100 each, but I am not entirely without pity. If you head due west of here for a day, you will find a restaurant owned by my cousin, he has the purest most refreshing water you could ever hope to drink".

The man mumbles a thanks and heads on his way.

Two days later the salesman sees the man again crawling back towards him, looking even more ravaged by the sun than he had before. "What is the matter sir, did you have problems with my directions?"

"No your fucking cousin wont let me in without a tie"

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Patient: "I have spent 80% of my life’s savings on doctors.

"
Doctor: "Why didn’t you come to me earlier?"

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Q: Why weren't the Republicans behind the verdict in the Saddam Hussein Trial a couple of days before the 2006 Midterm Elections?
A: Because they were so busy fixing the price on oil!

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I lost 125 pounds.
It took me a long time, and it cost me a lot of money, but I finally divorced the bitch!

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If time is money are ATM's time machines?

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Well it took forever but I just paid the pizza guy entirely with the quarters I found behind his ears.

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A man has visited a fortune teller because he wanted to know his future.


The fortune teller has taken a look at him from his head to his toes and has said: "you will be not rich because you have a very small ass and with such an ass it is not possible to sit on two seats."

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The holiday season: A deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

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A lady says to the psychiatrist, "

I think I might be a nymphomaniac."
He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour."
She says, "How much for all night?"

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A deer hunter was bragging about the biggest, baddest, handsomest, heaviest deer he'd bagged the day before.
"It's got enough meat to eat the whole year," he boasted.
Just then the Game Warden came up and cited the man $500 for hunting without the proper tag.
"Five-hundred dollars?" exclaimed the hunter.
"All for a mangy, skinny, stubby, half-pint deer?"

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Why did Michael's grades drop after the holidays? Because everything was marked down!

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Salary Theorem: The less you know, the more money you'll earn (PROVEN INSIDE!)
Salary Theorem states that Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People.

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.

As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time

Since:

Knowledge = Power

Time = Money

It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion:
The less you know, the more you make.

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Since we're on a vacuum kick...
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Fuck off!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she tried to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit all over her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse shit from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a fucking good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

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Ever want proof women are evil?
It is a given that women need both time and money:
Women = (Time x Money)

And we know that time is money:
Women = (Money)Β²

We also know that money is the root of all evil:
Money = √(Evil)

Therefore:
(Money)Β² = Evil

Thus we are forced to conclude that:
Women = Evil

**But don't you dare tell this to a woman**...because it's math.

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."
So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.
He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver.
So, he gets in the first cab.
"How much is it to the airport?" He asks.
The driver says, "$15"
"Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?"
The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab."
So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?"
"$15"
"Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?"
And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab.
He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip.
He asks, "hey how much to the airport?"
Driver responds, "$15"
The guy hands him $15 and says "great let's go"
And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.

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Johnny wanted to have sex
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else…

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me screw you,But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend… So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

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Hot Dog Troubles (lengthy but worth it)
Two guys have been out drinking after work for hours. When it's time to go home they both decide it isn't worth the trouble because their wives were gonna be PISSED. The problem was they were both outta money and wanted to keep drinking.
Guy #1: (sees a hotdog vendor closing for the night) Ibe got an idea! Wait right here.
Guy #1 uses the last bit of change in his pocket to buy a cold hotdog and shoves it down his pants. The two of them hit the first bar and are drinking shots and ordering bottles left and right. When the bartender comes to collect on the tab Guy #1 whips the hotdog outta his pants, his buddy drops to his knees and starts sucking on it like crazy.
Bartender: You two fucking fags get the hell out of my bar! I never wanna see you in here again ya homos!!

The two guys bar hop all night using the same tactic to get free booze all night long. As dawn approaches they both decide they should get home. As they're walking down the street..

Guy #2: Ya know that idea was fucking brilliant! Plus since I missed dinner that hot dog really hit the spot.

Guy#1: Hot dog? Oh, that. I lost that after the first bar.

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Choosing a Secretary
A businessman decides that it is time to hire a new secretary and has it narrowed down to a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. Unable to choose between the three of them, he decides to conduct an experiment. At the end of the day he places a five dollar bill on the ground in his office to see how each girl would react. The blonde sees the money, picks it up, and places on his desk and then walks out. The redhead sees the money but ignores it and walks out. The brunette sees the money, looks around, and puts it in her pocket before leaving. Which girl did the businessman hire?


The one with the biggest tits.

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A cold blooded revenge story..


A guy went to a casino and lost all 10,000$. Swearing for the situation he goes to a taxi driver and asks:

I have lost all my money, please give me a ride back home for free.

Fuck off, no money, no ride.

The next day the guys come to casino again and this time he successfully won all the money back and 10,000$ extra. Hi goes out of the casino happily and sees five taxis, and the last car is the one, which refused to give a ride for free yesterday.

He goes to the first taxi and says:

Will you take me home for 100$?

Sure!

But when you take me there you'll have to do the blowjob as well

Fuck off, man...

The guys goes to all next three cars and the story repeats. Finally he goes to the last taxi driver, who refused to help a day ago, and says:

Will you take me home for 100$?

Sure!

Deal, but you have to pass through those other four taxi drivers very, very slowly.

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Three men go to heaven...
They all arrive at the same time with their wives. The first man steps up to St. Peter and asks to be let in, St. Peter replies, "You were a good man and helped others but you loved food too much over God, you even found a wife named Candy, so I can't let you in" he then pulled the lever and off the man went to hell. The second man steps up to St. Peter and also asks to be let in, St. Peter then replies, "You were a good man and went to Church but you loved money too much over God, you even found a wife named Penny, so I can't let you in" he then pulled the lever and off the man went to hell. The third man turns to his wife and says "Fanny, I think we're in trouble."

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A eighty something year old man and his new 24 year old bride....
The new bride had only married the elderly man for his money . She was sure he would pass soon . They arrived at the hotel for their honeymoon . The elderly groom tried and half heatedly managed to carry the bride across the threshold . The bride new his heart might not be able to stand much more , she excused herself to freshen up in the bathroom . She reappeared a short time later wearing a see thru teddy bear nighty . The elderly man excused himself to the bathroom so he could change . A short time later he emerged wearing nose plugs a set of ear plugs and sporting a enormous erection covered with a condom . He smiled and said " ever since they started making viagra , there is too things i cant stand . One , the sound of a woman screaming . Two , the smell of burning rubber .

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A blonde goes into an overseas transmission center...
So this blonde goes into this transmission center to go talk to her mother, which is in another continent working 12 hours a day. The male receptionist said "100 dollars please," and the woman remembered she left the cash at home. She didn't have the time to wait, so she said to the male receptionist, "I don't have the money, but please, I'll do ANYTHING to talk to my mother!"

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would suspect) and said again, "Anything?" "Yes," said the blonde. So the man told her to come into a room with him, lock the door, unzip his pants, and pull his tool out.

She did as she was told.

And after a few moments of silence, the man whispers "...well...go on..." And so the woman goes really close to his tool, puts her mouth right in front of it, and........ "Hello? Mom? Can you hear me?"

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Laughing/crying cow.
So there's a guy driving down a road in the country and he passes a restaurant with a sign outside that says "If you can make my cow laugh then I will give you $5000." So the guy goes in there and says "I'm gonna go make your cow laugh." He does and the owner is baffled and has no idea how he did it. The guy gets his money and is on his way. A few days later he drives past the same place but this time the sign reads "If you can make my cow cry I will give you $5000." The guy goes in there and goes straight to the back and comes out a few minutes later and says "I want my money." The owner goes back there and sure enough the cow is crying and the owner asks him "I'll give you the money just tell me one thing. How'd you get him to laugh AND cry?" And the guy answers "The first time I told him I had a bigger dick than him and this time I showed him."

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A bum outside a mans apartment.
A man who lives in an apartment building always passes by the same bum everyday for the past few years.
Every single day the man gives the bum $5.00 on his morning commute, and the bum thanks him.

After some time man get a child an money starts getting tighter. One morning he tips the bum $1.00 instead of the usual $5.00. The bum looking confused and mad looks up and says:

Bum:"Why only a $1.00?"
Man: "Because....I have a child now and money is tighter"
Bum: "So? What am I supposed to feed your kids now?"

Joke is originally in Russian, did my best to translate.

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A koala walks into a bar
A koala walks into a bar one night, slams his paw down on the table, and orders a drink. When he's done, slam goes his paw again for more. This goes on for about half an hour, and just when he was going to do it again, the barkeep told him if he was looking for a good time, there was some one in the back room who could help him, the koala decides why not and goes into the back room. There he meets a prostitute who is waiting for him. That night he has the best sex he has ever had. After the prostitute turns to the koala and says, "How about my money," the koala looked confused and the prostitute brought out a dictionary and it said...PROSTITUTE: Has sex for money.

So in response the koala turn to the definition for the koala and it says. KOALA: Eats bush and leaves.

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A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a train.
The lawyer, assuming he could make some easy money, wanted to play a game with the blonde; he would ask her a question, and if she could not answer, she would pay him $5. Then she would ask him a question, and if he could not answer, he would pay her $5.

The blonde had no interest in playing with the the lawyer, so he offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5. But every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

The blonde thought about it for about a minute, and decided she did not know the answer. So she gave him his $5.

She then asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous phone calls, trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

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Went to quite a few stores to find the best prices for herbs... I think it was thyme well spent.

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I will do all your suffering
It can buy you a House
But not a Home

It can buy you a Bed
But not Sleep

It can buy you a Clock
But not Time

It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge

It can buy you a Position
But not Respect

It can buy you Medicine
But not Health

It can buy you Blood
But not Life

So you see, Money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering.

I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering...

So send me all your money, and I will suffer for you.

A truer Friend you will never find.

*anyone know the source of this?*

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A young woman marries an old man for his money, and they go on their honeymoon.
They're both sort of traditional, so they haven't had sex (with each other) before the wedding. They get to their hotel room, and get ready to have sex for the first time. The man drops his pants and his wife says "ugh, what ugly knees you have!" The man defends himself, saying "When I was 11, I had kneesels". He then removes his socks, and his wife says "Your toes look god-awful!" The man responds "When I was 13, I had tolio". He then pulls off his underpants, and his wife says "Don't tell me- when you were 15, you had smallcox."

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Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson
As Farrah Fawcett takes her last breath and dies, she opens her eyes and finds her self in heaven and standing in the presence of god. God says to Farrah "My child, throughout your life you have been a good person. You donated time and money to help the less fortunate and you also managed to become a successful and beautiful person. For your contributions, I will grant you one final wish." Farrah being a giving and selfless person said "I just want the children to be safe" and just like that Michael Jackson dies.

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A man and his ever-nagging wife went to Jerusalem...
but while they were there, his wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150 or have her shipped home for $5,000." The man thought about it for a moment and then decided to have his deceased wife shipped home.
"Why spend so much more money to have her sent home when you can just have her buried here in the Holy Land for only $150?"

The man replied, "A long time ago, a man died here, was buried here but arose from the dead three days later. I just can't take that risk."

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When i say i'm broke...I'm broke!
Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" I said. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!" and proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

I stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of broke do you not understand?"

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A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast.
I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done."
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself."
So she agrees.
Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, "what happened?"
She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"

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A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.


The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, β€œWell, son, it was 1932.
The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.
β€œI invested that nickel in an apple.
I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
β€œThe next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples.
I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents.
I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.”
β€œAnd that’s how you built an empire?” the boy asked.
β€œHeavens, no!” the man replied. β€œThen my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”

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Our staff has completed the 3 years of work on time and under budget.


We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system.
We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.
We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect the following new standards:
Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December and...
Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak
I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y-to-K problem has made any sense to me.
But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible.And what does the year 2000 have to do with it?
Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?
We await your direction.

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A Navy man walks into a bar, gives the bartender a conspiratorial wink and says, "

Quick, pour me a drink, before the trouble starts."
The bartender pours a drink and watches as the Sailor downs it in one gulp.
The Sailor slams the glass down on the bar and says, "Quick, give me another one before the trouble starts."
The bartender pours another glass and the Sailor drinks it as quickly as he had the first.
The Sailor pauses, lets out a belch and demands a third drink 'before the trouble starts.'
After several rounds of this, the bartender says, "Look Sailor, you've been talking about trouble for ten minutes. Just when is this 'trouble' going to start?"
The sailor looks at the bartender and grins. "The trouble starts just as soon as you figure out that I don't have any money."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man is in Vegas where he lost all of his money so he can't pay for a cab to return to the airport.


He sees a cab and begs the driver to give him a free ride to the airport but the cab driver declines.
The next year the man returns to Vegas and get filthy rich when he decides to leave for the airport.
There is a huge line of cabs, and at the very end of this line was the very driver who never gave him a ride the previous year.
The man walks up to the front cab "Excuse me, sir if you give me a free ride to the airport I'll let you give me a handjob."
The driver declines immediately.
The man then asks all the drivers in this line the same thing.
When he gets to the last driver, he pays the fee and the cab driver begins moving, when he moved by the line, the man puts two thumbs up through the window so all the other drivers could see.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An airplane was about to crash.
There were 4 passengers on board but only 3 parachutes.
The 1st passenger said, "I am Stephen King , the best selling author of my time... My millions of fans need me , and i can't afford to die."
So he took the 1st pack and left the planernThe 2nd passenger , Barack Hussein Obama, said , "I am the 44th President of the United States, and I am the smartest President in American history , so my people don't want me to die."
He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.rnThe 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son , I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little boy said , "That's okay , Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America's smartest President took my schoolbag."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man comes home alone from work.
Suddenly he hears this voice saying: "Now its time to quit your job, sell your house, take your money and go to Las Vegas."
He doesn't pay much attention to it but after a week hearing the same voice, he thinks ok!
He quits his job, sells his house, withdraws all his money and goes to Vegas.
The moment he steps out of the plane the voice tells him "Find the nearest casino!"
He enters a casino and the voice says: " Go to the roulette-table and put all your money on 17 black!
He complies and the croupier spins the wheel and says "Rien ne va plus"
21 RED!
And then the voice goes "Damn!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

CONCLUSION

Best of 380 Funniest Time Jokes Ever. Funniest all time one liners along with mean jokes about marriage, dirty sex and disgusting black humor.

You've read some of the best time jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of puns about time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty time gags to your kids.

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