Time jokes and pranks to have fun with friends and family. Top 10 jokes about Time of all time along with the funniest time gags ever told.
Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.
You see, it used to get cold outside
If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...
Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.
Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.
...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.
"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.
Carl continues: "For the *last* five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."
So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?"
Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers."
Jim, disgusted, says "You have *got* to be kidding me!"
And Carl says "I shit. You knot."
If i had a dime for every time i didn't understand what's going on.
I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.
Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.
On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The old lady thinks, I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.
The blonde thinks, I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.
The Frenchman thinks, I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.
The Englishman thinks, I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.
A little girl asks her mother, Mommy, how was I born?
Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied: Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got so high that we fucked without a condom.
My girlfriend always takes long baths after we finish watching a Ryan gosling movie
I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Ryan Gosling
Boss wants to have sex with his secretary
A boss said to his secretary "I want to have sex with you. I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor; by the time you bend down to pick it, I'll be done." She thought for a moment, then called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend then said "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast; he won't even have enough time to undress himself."
So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend decides to call his girlfriend. He asks, "What happened?"
She responds, "The bastard used COINS! I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"
As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time"
I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?
My girlfriend always takes long showers after watching movies starring Chris Pratt
I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Chris Pratt.
My mom recently had a stroke.
Now every time I stroke it, I think of her. Well played mom.
Dad and son had a conversation.
Dad: Son, it's time to talk about the uhh female and male stuff.
Son: I'm sorry what?
Dad: You know.. the ding into hole in one stuff....
Son: I really don't know what you are talking about dad.
Dad: Son, I'm talking about sex.
Son: Oooh the sex stuff, I've already educated myself dad.
Dad: From where???
Son: From your Brazzers premium subscription account on your PC....
Nex time on Man vs Wild...
Bear Grylls: If I drop this can of alphabet soup... it could spell disaster.
Racism
\- what time does it take for shitting black women?
\- 9 months :0
How many times must a man pound a girl before he can say he's had a ton of sex?
2000 pounds
Who's the most famous blacksmith of all time?
Will Smith
I know what you do.
A : " What do you do in your free time ? "
B : " I stalk. "
A : " Really ? I enjoy walks to the park or go to movies with friends. "
B : " I know. "
What's a Dentist's Favorite Time?
Tooth - hurty
Whats the only time you wink at a black man ?
When your looking down the scope of a rifle.
6:30 is my favorite time of the day
Hands down.
I've been informed that jokes about acids are a waste of time.
They say that basic jokes have a higher potential.
My Buddhist friend was stopped by a Christian
They asked if she would consider following the word of Jesus Christ. She replied, no thanks, but maybe next time around.
What's Karl Marx's favorite measurement of time?
Hours
What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G spot?
A man will waste his time searching through the bushes in order to find a golf ball.
Just left the dr. and its official: they have to take a foot...
My friends are sad because i can only kick it half the time now.
Why did a group of 44 year-olds travel back in time to the 10th century CE?
Because they wanted to be in the middle ages.
What do you call a chef on a time constraint?
A pressure cooker!
How are sailors like witches?
They spend a lot of time cursing.
I'll show myself out.
I was having sex with my German girlfriend last night.
It was distracting when she kept yelling her age all the time.
I can't keep up with time
It's nonstop
Browse all time jokes or go to table of contents
Time jokes can be funny or dirty, insulting of disgusting. Most of them are suitable for kids and family.
Short jokes about time, one liners, thoughts and captions that are funny and will make you laugh.
Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.
You see, it used to get cold outside
If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...
Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.
If i had a dime for every time i didn't understand what's going on.
I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
My girlfriend always takes long baths after we finish watching a Ryan gosling movie
I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Ryan Gosling
As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time"
I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?
My girlfriend always takes long showers after watching movies starring Chris Pratt
I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Chris Pratt.
If I had a nickel for every time I didn't know what was going on...
...I'd be like why do I keep getting all these fucking nickels?
Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?
[Twice removed]
(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding
Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
Jokes about the dirtiest way possible you can find to spend time.
The dirty professor
The old professor started each lecture with a dirty joke. After a real objectionable example of that one day, the female students got together and decided that next time, when this happens again, they will all walk out in unison.
The professor got wind of this plot. Next morning, after he entered the lecture hall, he said: "Good morning! Have you heard about the shortage of prostitutes in India?"
Now all the female students stood up and headed toward the exit.
The professor continued: "Oh, ladies, please wait, the boat to India doesn't leave until tomorrow!"
A professor tells dirty jokes and the women protest.
A professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it. So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest.
Somehow the professor heard about the plan.
In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: "In Sweden a prostitute makes $2000 per night."
All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them: "Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the day after tomorrow."
The Professor's Jokes
The professor loved to start each lecture with a dirty joke. After a week of this, the female students got together and decided that next time, if this happened again, they would all walk out in unison.
The professor got wind of this plot. Next morning, after he entered the lecture hall, he said: "Good morning! Have you heard about the shortage of prostitutes in Singapore?"
Now all the female students stood up and headed toward the exit.
The professor continued: "Oh, ladies, please wait, the boat to Singapore doesn't leave until tomorrow!"
A professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it.
So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest.
Somehow the professor heard about the plan.
In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: "In Sweden a prostitute makes £2000 per night."
All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them: "Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the day after tomorrow."
A blind man is sitting in a restaurant.
When the waiter comes to the table the blind man asks may he please have the dirty fork of the last diner. The waiter is a bit puzzled but says ok. The blind man puts the fork in his mouth and says, "mmm...meatloaf, that's delicious, I'll have the meatloaf please."
The next night the blind man returns and again makes the same request, the waiter obliges and this time the blind man says, "mmm...pot roast, that's delicious, I'll have the pot roast please."
For the third consecutive evening the blind man returns and again requests the dirty fork. This time the waiter decides to fuck with him a bit and asks his girlfriend Jane who also works at the restaurant to rub the fork on her pussy. So Jane gives it a good rub and the waiter presents it to the blind man who puts it in his mouth and exclaims, "Jane works here???"
Protesting dirty jokes
Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."
After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty?"
Puzzled, I asked him what he meant.
He replied, "Well, they had to bleep out every word he said!"
Blind man sitting in a restaurant.
When the waiter comes to the table the blind man asks may he please have the dirty fork of the last diner. The waiter is a bit puzzled but says ok. The blind man puts the fork in his mouth and says, "mmm...meatloaf, that's delicious, I'll have the meatloaf please."
The next night the blind man returns and again makes the same request, the waiter obliges and this time the blind man says, "mmm...pot roast, that's delicious, I'll have the pot roast please."
For the third consecutive evening the blind man returns and again requests the dirty fork. This time the waiter decides to fuck with him a bit and asks his girlfriend Jane who also works at the restaurant to rub the fork on her pussy. So Jane gives it a good rub and the waiter presents it to the blind man who puts it in his mouth and says, "Jane works here???"
3 vampires walk into a bar
There were these 3 vampires. The first vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood and vodka." The bartender gives him the shot of blood and vodka. The vampire drinks it, and leaves. The second vampire walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood and vodka." The bartender gives him the shot of blood and vodka. The vampire drinks it, and leaves. The third vampire walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a mug of hot water." The bartender gives him a surprised look, "Why do you want a mug of hot water?" The vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and says, "It's tea time."
"the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon"
There was a college professor who liked to tell "dirty" stories during lectures. A group of annoyed female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he thought of a plan.
Halfway through the next lecture, he began his dirty story;
"They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France."
The girls looked at one another, got up and started for the door.
"Slow down ladies," said the professor with a smirk, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."
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Stupid time jokes about blonde, redneck men and drunk people doing dull things.
Mom: Why don't you talk to John anymore, you used to be best friends?
Son: Well, would you be friends with someone who was stupid, took drugs and was drunk all the time?
Mom: No, Never!
Son: Well neither would he!
A scientist is trying to prove that all blonds are stupid
so he holds an all blond convention and randomly picks someone from the crowd. First he asks her what two plus two is. She answers seven, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!". So this time he asks her what ten minus four is. She answers thirteen, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!". So this time he asks her what is five times five is. She answers twenty-five, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!".
People are always saying Americans are fat, violent, and above all else, stupid
But every time I see one of those statistics maps about how terrible we are, there's this little country on the northwest border of Canada that's just as bad as we are.
After being diagnosed with a multiple personality disorder, I phoned my boss to tell him I'd need time off.
"You're self-employed you stupid bastard," I said.
A girl brings her boyfriend to meet her dad...
Dad: Of all people, you choose to be with this stupid and lazy arse?
Boyfriend: ...
Girl: Dad, don't say things like that about him! You don't even know him yet. He's currently studying to get a doctorate in physics while working a full time job.
Dad: (to Girl) I wasn't talking to you.
A painter's patience (my first joke)
A painter asked his client where to start painting his house.
-"Roof" said the client.
-"Ok" said the painter.
Moments later after hard work, the painter went back to ask where to proceed painting.
-"Where now?" Said the painter.
-"Roof!" Yelled the client.
-"I already painted there, tell me where to paint now..." Said the painter with little patience.
-"Roof!!" Yelled the client again
With anger in his eyes the painter said:
-"That's it! This is the last time i paint a dog's house!"
I hope you have a stupid smile because of this stupid joke.
An elementary teacher wanted to introduce physiological notions to her students.
She asks her class: Whoever feels stupid at times stand up!
After a while, little Johnny stands up, grudgingly.
The teacher asks: So Johnny, you feel stupid from time to time?
Little Johnny replies: No ma'am, it's just painful to see you standing all alone.
Honking the whole time isn't going to make everyone in front of you go any faster.
Stupid geese.
Mutual Agreement
In the middle of an argument a man said to his wife, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time!"
The wife responded calmly, "Allow me to explain...the good Lord made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; and he made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
A duck walks into a bar . . .
. . . hops up on the counter and says to the bartender "Got any grapes?" The bartender goes "No. This is a bar. We don't have any grapes. Get out of here, you stupid duck." The duck hops down, leaves. The next day, the duck goes into the bar hops up on the counter and asks "Got any grapes?" The bartender goes "No. This is a bar we have alcohol. Come in here one more time asking for grapes and I'll nail your little webbed feet to the bar!" The duck hops down, leaves. The next day, the duck comes into the bar, hops up and says "Got any nails?" The bartender goes "No! This is a fucking bar! We don't have any nails!" The duck says "Oh, good. Got any grapes?"
More stupid jokes or go to table of contents
Funny mean jokes about hilarious time.
The meaning of life is the same for all living things, to have lots of sex to produce offspring.
I'm failing big time.
I kept trying to tell him no means no, but he wouldn't listen...
...that's the last time I pick up a guy who doesn't know sign language.
On the first day of the deer hunting season, a hunter fell out of a deer stand and broke both his legs.
"Why couldn't this happen on my last day of hunting?!" the hunter cried to the doctor.
"It did," the doctor replied.
There were no cars in sight, so I rolled up to the pay window.
"We're still serving breakfast. And you have to order at the speaker," the clerk scolded.
I drove all the way around the building to the squawk box and ordered a breakfast sandwich.
"I'm sorry," she said, "we are now serving lunch."
You are currently in 352nd place and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
I lost 125 pounds.
It took me a long time, and it cost me a lot of money, but I finally divorced the bitch!
He thought someone might be pinching stock but he couldn't prove it.
He had his eye on one shifty-looking individual who every day drove his old truck out of the factory with the load covered by a tarpaulin.
Time after time the auditor stopped the bloke, made him remove the tarpaulin and then inspected the load.
On every occasion, there was only scrap metal in the truck which the driver said he was taking to the tip.
On three occasions the auditor made the bloke remove the tarpaulin and then unload the scrap in front of him, suspecting that there might be stolen stock hidden underneath.
Nothing.
He could never find anything amiss.
After a few months of this, the auditor was offered a better job elsewhere and resigned.
A few weeks later he was drinking in a pub when the shifty character walked in. On an impulse, the auditor went up to him and said, "Look, I've left the company, I'm not interested in taking it any further and I won't stop you, but I just have to know. What were you taking?"
And the bloke said "Tarpaulins."
This woman was driving home in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
She stopped the car and asked the woman if she'd like a ride.
The woman thanked her and got in the car.
After a few minutes, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the back seat and asked the driver what was in the bag.
The driver said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman thought for a moment, then said, "Good trade."
More mean jokes or go to table of contents
Sick time jokes for people with dark sense of humor.
He did the tests and waited.
After a while, the doctor came in with the results.
"Unfortunately, I have very bad news! You’re seriously ill! You have really not much time to live.."
"Doctor..! How much time do I have..?"
"Ten..."
"Ten what? Months? Years? What?!"
"Nine...Eight...Seven..."
My skydiving instructor would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions.
One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"
Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."
Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
"Excuse me, how do I get to the hospital quickly?"
"Just stand in the middle of the road for a while."
I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday."
Well, you can imagine her disappointment.
The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything.
She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?"
He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"
The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, "Nothing special really... We just tell them they're going to die..."
"I’m sorry," said the receptionist, “we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks."
"But I could be dead by then!"
"No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment."
I mean – you've got a gun, haven't you?
May you live so many years, how many steps you made to the church during these years!"
Suddenly appears the Death and tells Johny:
"Have you heard your Granny's wish?
So, pack up your suitcases, tomorrow you'll finally go with me, mac!
Those 4 steps will not save ya!"
Time is if great topic to laugh at. Some of the funniest jokes ever are about time.
Are Time jokes funny? For sure! There is no such thing as boring time joke here. All jokes are funny in their own way. You can also read time jokes images on Pinterest or watch videos with time jokes on YouTube.
Funny quotes about Chuck Norris doing amazing things in all history times.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
In an attempt to end WWII, President Harry Truman had Chuck Norris parachuted into Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
Sept. 2, 1945, the Japanese surrendered.
The Plague learned its lesson, and has stayed away since then.
This time is typically referred to as hurricane season.
.. who had the longest?
I don't know he is still busy.
6 seconds; he was later told it was the Boston Marathon.
Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
These are known as black holes.
By the 50th day, his instructor had jumped off the building.
Now he has provoked the event 2012.
For image results, Google the word Hiroshima.
..
Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.
Scientists have predicted the world will end in 2012, but that's just a guess when Chusk Norris' patience will run out.
.. with his breath.
The next day, the Nazis surrendered...
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth.
Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
We won't be needing cryogenics cos Chuck's already frozen.
If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.
Last year Chuck Norris won the prize for best float at the Carnival in Rio simply by walking in the parade wearing his cowboy hat.
In 1986 the U.S.S.R. attempted to clone Chuck Norris.
The scientists failure was covered up and we now know their attempt as the Chernobyl disaster.
The only rational explanation is Chuck Norris.
Only because that's when Chuck Norris masters the Falco Punch.
Chuck Norris is ambidextrous.
He can do Roundhouse kicks with his left and right leg.
All at the same time.
It's called the internet.
It's sex time. Let's have some sexual jokes right on time.
Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.
...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.
"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.
Carl continues: "For the *last* five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."
So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?"
Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers."
Jim, disgusted, says "You have *got* to be kidding me!"
And Carl says "I shit. You knot."
Girls With Big Tits.
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a beautiful girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a beautiful girlfriend with big tits.
A wife asks her husband if she were to die, would he remarry?...
...and her husband says "yes I would remarry I like living a married life and spending time with someone else. The wife gets uncomfortable and proceeds to ask " well would you let her live in our house?" And the husband says "yes I'd let her live here there's nothing wrong with this house." That worried the wife more, so then she asks "well would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the husband says "yes I like my bed and I don't want to get rid of it I'd let her sleep in it." This only makes the wife more worried so she feels compelled to say "well at least promise me you will never let her use my golf clubs." The husband say "don't worry she will never use your clubs, she's left handed."
Joke my 95 year old grandpa told me.
A man arrives at the gates of heaven...
...St. Peter looks through his book and tells him "I don't see any reason why we should let you in. You don't seem to have done anything worthy in your life."
The guy replies: "what about the time I was driving and saw a woman with a flat tire beside the road? A bunch of bikers had surrounded her and were giving her a hard time. I stopped and got out; they turned on me so I grabbed a tire iron and told them to back off."
St. Peter: "You really did that? When did this happen?"
The guy: "About 5 minutes ago!"
Three new cellmates are contemplating their life sentences in prison.
The first guy pulls out a deck of playing cards and says, "Don't worry, guys. I brought these cards with me so that we can play poker to pass the time."
The second guy pulls out a harmonica and says, "I brought this harmonica so that I can play some music to cheer us up when we're feeling down."
The third guy pulls out a box of tampons.
"What the hell are we supposed to do with those!?" ask the first two.
"Well, it says on the back that I can ride, swim, ski, *and* play tennis with these."
My girlfriend and I had a fight and she asked me for distance and time,
But for the life of me, i cant figure out why she wants to calculate velocity
When an Amish sees an elevator for the first time...
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in the new mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."
THE IRISH MIRROR
After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.
In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it. Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring back at him.
'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder .'
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed. So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's running around with.'
A man goes to heaven, but the first thing he noticed was a wall covered in clocks.
He asks an angel "What are those clocks for?"
"Each clocks shows represents each human on Earth. Every time they lie, the clock goes a head by one minute. For example, this is the Pope's clock, it has never moved, meaning never in his life has he lied."
The angel goes on. "This is Abraham Lincoln's clock. It's only moved twice, meaning Lincoln only lied twice!"
The man asks "Is there clocks for other politicians?"
The angel says "Clocks of other politicians? We use those as ceiling fans for the offices."
a man goes to confess after 25 years
So the man walks into the confession booth for the first time in his adult life, having nothing but bad memories about it from when he was a child.
So he opens the door, sits down and notices a couple of playboy nude calenders on the wall, a bottle of whiskey in the corner and a nice box of cigars next to it, and he thinks to himself "Wow, this place has really improved over the years"
But then the Father opens the door and yells "Get out! that's my booth!"
Called my wife the other day from work: BABE MY LIFE IS IN RUINS
Her: For the last time you are an archeologist and this shit is getting old
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO LIVE HAPPY LIFE!
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, whom you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be in it with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other
Three guys in a cell are just starting life sentences...
The first guy pulls out a deck of cards and says, "We're going to be here a long time, so when we get bored we can play poker."
The second guy says, "Great idea. I brought a harmonica, so when we get sad I can play a song to cheer us up."
The third guy pulls out a box of tampons. "What the hell are they for?" ask the first two guys.
"Well, it says on the back that I can ride, swim, ski, *and* play tennis with these."
Proper old couple
A very proper old British couple had been seeing each other for some time and decided to get married. They began discussing the terms of their marriage, their home, their life together. It was the gentleman who first brought up the topic of sex.
"Well my dear, it seems to me we should broach the subject of our physical relationship. What are your feelings about sex?"
She looked somewhat embarrassed. "Well, I must confess that I should like it infrequently."
He looked at her very closely. "Was that one word, or two?"
A quantum particle walks into two bars.
In one, he has a few drinks, becomes the life of the party, gets lucky and has a splendid time.
In the other he drinks too much, picks a fight with the wrong company and ends up beaten to half of his life.
The next day, he happens to meet an old buddy. After some very small talk, his friend asks
" hey, so what did you do last night?"
the particle, bruised and beaten shouts "DAMN IT MAN did you have to ask!!"
Lost
A reporter goes way up into the hills of West Virginia to write an article about the area. He meets an old man in a small town and asks him about any memorable events in his life.
The old man says, "Well, one time my favorite sheep got lost, so me and my neighbors got some moonshine and went looking for it. We looked and looked and finally found the sheep. Then we drank the moonshine and one by one, started shagging the sheep. It was a lot of fun!"
The reporter figured he can't write an article about that, so he asked the old man to tell him another story.
The old man said, "Well, one time my neighbor's wife got lost, so me and all the village men got some moonshine and went out looking for her. We looked and looked and finally we found her. Then we drank the moonshine and one by one, started shagging the neighbor's wife. Now, THAT was a lot of fun!"
The reporter, feeling frustrated, finally told the old man that he couldn't write articles about those stories and asked him if he had any dramatic or sad memories that he could talk about.
The old man paused a little and with a sad expression on his face said "Well, one time I was lost..."
I haven't worked out since...
I haven't worked out since that one time I tried to reach for a bag of chips at the foot of the bed and did a sit-up by mistake.
That wasn't the joke. The joke is my life.
Memory Problems.
A few old couples used to get together to talk about life and to have a good time.
One day one of the men, Harry, started talking about this fantastic restaurant he went to the other night with his wife.
Really? ,
one of the men said, what's it called? After thinking for a few seconds the Harry said, what are those good smelling flowers called again?
Do you mean a rose? the first man questioned.
Yes that's it, he exclaimed.
Looking over at his wife he said, Rose what's that restaurant we went to the other night?
Everyone is trying to climb the ladder to success
And at the top is a guy named Sess, having the time of his life.
I found out my friend is addicted to math.
I should have known. All the sines were there. He had a hard time functioning, and he would go off on tangents all the time. Such a shame - he was in his prime, his life was on a great vector. He wanted to write the next 'Matrix'. But now, he can't differentiate between what is real and what is imaginary. It's so complex. I'm afraid his problems will start to multiply exponentially, and he just doesn't understand the root of it all. Pretty soon he won't be able to integrate at all. And just to add to the trouble, those he defines as 'friends' just want to divide his space between themselves. I'm afraid soon he'll go off into the Great Unknown...
One of my grandpa's better jokes
An old man is walking along the beach one day when suddenly God appears and says to the man, "You know, you've been a good man and faithful to me all your life. I'm going to grant you one wish. What would you like?"
The man thought about it and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive there any time I want."
God said, "I can't do that, there would be too many problems. Where would I even get all the steel from? Think of something else."
So the man says, "Lord, I've been married and divorced 4 times. All 4 of my wives made me feel like I was doing everything wrong when I thought I was right. Help me understand women."
God replies, "You want two lanes or four?"
I have OCD which severely affects my sex life.
Every time a girl gets turned on, I turn them off again.
My doctor told me I need fewer trans fats in my life...
Looks like it's time to delete Tumblr.
An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him.
He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man Just stared.
Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.
There was a scientist one time, and he went to talk to God
and he says, "God, we can now clone humans, make life, and take care of ourselves and we don't need you anymore."
God laughed and said: "You think? So show me, how you can make humans and life!"
The scientist agreed, reached down, grabbed a full hand of soil to start making his human, when God promptly stops him and says, "Whoa not so fast, use your own dirt."
A man dies and arrives at the gates of heaven.
St Peter welcomes him with "this is the gate to eternal happiness, to enter you must tell me a selfless action you did in your life on earth."
The man thinks for a while and replies "Well there was this one time... this kid knocked over some motor cycles and a group of angry drunken bikers came out threatening to kill him. Naturally I felt bad for the kid so I stepped in to stop them. I asked for the leader of the group and told him we were gonna settle it like men."
St Peter was impressed "Wow! When did this happen?"
Looking at his watch the man responds "about 35 seconds ago."
[NSFW] A female prostitute gives a southern man the time of his life...
When they finish the man asks "Geee Miss, how much do I owe ya?"
The prostitute replies "For you, hon? Only 20 dollars."
The southern man replies, "Well golly, miss. I thought the rate was 50 dollars."
The prostitute looks at the man, smiles and says...
"Not for you, baby... Family Discount."
My Viagra addiction
..was the hardest time of my life.
An old woman reaches the end of her life..
A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.
Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.
The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.
a hobo finds a woman on the ledge of a bridge crossing a deep valley
Hobo: "hey, are you going to jump?"
Woman: "Yes I am going to jump. I can't go on with life"
H: "well, before you do that, don't you want to have sex a last time? like, say, with me?"
W: "ha, definitely not. You'll understand that if I'm about to commit suicide, I'm not really in the mood for sex. Plus, you're ugly and disgusting, so there's no way I will have sex with you"
The hobo sighs, then starts to walk away.
W (shouting at the hobo):"hey! why are you leaving??? aren't you going to try and prevent me from doing this? Tell me that I shouldn't jump?? that suicide isn't a solution? that life is worth living or some shit like that? ANYTHING???"
H: "well, normally I would, but now I gotta hurry so that you're still a bit warm when I reach the foot of the bridge"
So Adam is sitting in the Garden of Eden...
... and he says, "God, I see that all of the other animals that you have created in this truly perfect world have a companion, a partner, someone to be with, share life with, and to love. Why is it that I am alone?" God pauses for a moment, and says "You know Adam, I'll work on that. Be patient, my son, I shall return to you in a week's time."
God labors for a week as only a being of such incredible omnipotence can labor, and after much exhausting work, he returns to Adam after a week has passed and reveals to him his creation.
Adam is speechless. After much gaping, he finally finds the words to say "God, she is beautiful, she is truly your most perfect creation. I must ask though, what will this cost me, for surely this cannot be free."
God says soberly "My son. I confess, to have a being of such beauty and grace, you must give me an arm and a leg. I can accept no other payment."
Adam weighs this for a moment, and then says, "How much can I get for a rib?"
If I had a dollar for every time I've used algebra in my life
I'd have *n* dollars
How is Valve like Uranium-238?
By the time they get to the third Half Life 13.5 Billion years will have passed.
Math jokes never work on me
I have trouble differentiating them. They aren't an integral part of my life and most of the time they just don't add up.
What do men ànd hardwood flooring have in common?
Lay 'em right the first time and you can walk all over them the rest of your life!
Bricks have a frustrating sex life.
They're hard all the time, but only get laid once.
A father decided that it's time to teach his daughters some sex education.
A father has decided that his three daughters were now old enough to understand the more serious things in life, so he called them one by one to his room.
When the first one came in, he took down his pants and asked if his daughter knew what it was. His daughter replied, "Yes daddy, that's a penis." Shocked that his daughter already knows so much, he grounded his daughter for a week.
He called his second daughter in and also took down his pants. When he asked if she knew what it was, she also replied, "Yes daddy, that's a penis." Needless to say, he also grounded her for one week.
He called his last daughter into the room, took down his pants, and asked if she knew what it was. She replied "No, daddy, what is it?" The father was happy, knowing that his daughter is pure.
"My good daughter, this is a penis." He says, starting his talk, but is is interrupted by his daughter saying,
"You call that a penis?"
Impressing Chicks On The Beach
A scrawy guy has a hard time attracting women on the beach....so he goes to the life guard and asks for advice and the lifeguard tells him "Next time...wear a speedo 2 sizes small and drop a potato inside" the guy decides to follow the advice
The next day...the scrawny guy comes back and all the women run away in horror except for the lifeguard. The guy asks the lifeguard "You told me this would work!"
The lifeguard shook his head and said "The potato...goes in the front"
A rabbi and a priest...
take a group of kids on a spiritual trip to the Holy Land. During the flight, the pilot announces,
" The plane is going down, we only have two parachutes. I'm taking one. You guys figure out who gets the other one"
The priest says, " We should give it to one of the kids."
The rabbi grabs the chute and says, " I have a life to live! F*ck the kids! "
The priest thinks, and says,
"Do you think we have time?? "
An old man wants to get life insurance
The employee working at the insurance company asks:
'How old are you, sir?'
'I'm 102.'
'102?! And you wanna get life insurance at *your* age? You know what? Come back tomorrow.'
'Tomorrow ain't good. We'll be celebrating my dad's birthday.'
'Your dad's birthday?! How old is he?'
'He's 139.'
'Okay, come back next week then.'
'Next week is definitely a bad time for me. We're gonna have a week-long party for my grandfather's wedding.'
'Your grandfather's weddig?! How old is he?'
'He's 164.'
'And he wants to get married at *his* age?'
'Nah, he doesn't, it's just that his parents are forcing him...'
3 men at a funeral..
3 men are at a mutual friend's funeral and witness a really beautiful eulogy. At the reception afterwards, the three of them are sitting together and talking about the funeral when one of them says "Wow, that was really beautiful. What would you guys like to be said about you when you die?" The first says "I devoted a lot of my life to my medical practice. I really hope they talk about what a great doctor I was and how many lives I saved". The second says "I spent a lot of time with my family and really raised my kids well. I hope they talk about how great of a father and husband I was." The third says "I hope they say 'LOOK he's moving!' "
Life Time Savings
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!"
How old guys pick up women.
I am getting on in years and not the best looking
guy anymore.
Some would even say I'm a little frayed around
the edges. But, I have a nice car, a little money
and I spend most of my time casually traveling
from place to place and enjoying life.
I met a nice looking girl in a park the other evening.
There was an instant spark between us. And all of
a sudden, she did this cute little dance, then
immediately dropped to her knees and lay on the
grass at my feet.
As we lay there making love, I thought ...
"Wow, these Tasers are really worth the money!!!"
A Well-Planned Life?
Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.
One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well planned life? "
"Yes," said her friend.
"My first marriage was to a millionaire;
my second marriage was to an actor;
my third marriage was to a preacher;
and now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"
She answered:
"One for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready,
and four to go."
Who's the most 'merican...
Shortly after 9/11, Achmed and Abdul were terrified with what Muslim men had done to their adopted country.
The shaved their beards, changed into western clothes, and made a pact to meet in a years time, and see who had the most "american life".
So a year goes by, and the two men meet at a bar, and they began to discuss the events of the past year.
"I married a white woman, bought a Ram pick up truck, joined a softball team, and converted to Christianity... do you think you can be more American than that?" Abdul challenged.
"Fuck you, towel head!" Achmed responded.
Old man in the mall
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life? The old man did not bat an eye in his response, Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.
A kid boards a flight for the first time in his life
Kid: What kind of flight is this mom?
Mom: Boeing
Kid: I'm boarding a Boeing, Boeing, Boeing, Boeing
Mom: Be silent you idiot
Kid: I'm oarding an oeing, oeing, oeing, oeing
P.S: Based on a true incident
Two blondes are walking in the woods
Two blondes are walking in the woods and come across a set of tracks. One looks at them and says "Wow, wolf tracks!"
The other looks down and scoffs. "Those are coyote tracks, not wolf tracks. Look at the size!"
"No they are not" says the first. "I've spent most of my life walking in these woods, and I know wolf tracks when I see them!"
They stand there arguing over the tracks for some time, and are eventually hit by a train.
Why does Kylo Ren have a hard time making friends?
Because for most of his life, he's Ben Solo.
Super Pussy!
A middle aged woman decides it's time to spice up her sex life, so she decides to surprise her husband. After he gets home from work, she strips down naked, dawns a red cape, runs in the room, jumps in front of the TV and yells "Super-Pussy!"
After thinking about it for a second, her husband replies "Well, I think I'll have the soup."
The ladder to success
A man who has just died finds himself standing at the gates of Heaven. To his right he sees an attractive woman, and to his left is a ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and spend eternity with me, or climb the ladder to success." The man, always eager to get ahead in life, chooses to climb the ladder.
The man finds an even more beautiful woman standing in front of another gate. Next to her is another ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and all your fantasies will be granted, or climb the ladder to success." This time the man is tempted, but his greed takes over and he climbs the ladder higher.
He again encounters a woman. This woman, however; is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She says, "come with me and I will satisfy your deepest desires forever, or climb the ladder to success." The man can't believe his luck. He decides to take his chances and climbs the ladder. He comes to another gate. This time there is no woman waiting for him, but a fat, balding, sweaty man instead.
"Are you God?" the man asks. "No," the sweaty man replies. "I'm Cess."
I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.
I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my Mrs has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my Mrs. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.
Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from Halfords and try to repair it myself?
Cheers
So two people are about to have sex for the first time
and the lady says, "Unfortunately I have small boobs, is that alright with you?"
To which the male replies, "Yea it's alright, I have a dick like a baby."
After the sex the lady exclaims, "You have the biggest penis I have ever seen in my life, Why did you say it was like a baby?"
"It is. 9 pounds 6 ounces and a foot in height."
My midlife crisis started today...
I met the greatest girl at work, and she was into me, too. When we got off of work I took her to the park, we got carryout and went back to my place, and we were having a blast watching Netflix together.
When it finally came time for her to go she just lay there on my bed, obviously wanting to stay the night. So we had the greatest sex if my life and then she spent the night.
I drove her to work the next morning and when I saw the police outside waiting for me I realized that my career choices had been poor up until now. Maybe being a mortician isn't really for me.
My sex life is like my credit card.
It expired a long time ago.
Time of weakness
Rosy had been divorced for a few years and was finding life very lonely.
Finally, after much persuasion, she consented to go out on a date with Robert, a gentleman her daughter fixed her up with.
He picked her up and they went to a very secluded spot to have a picnic.
Robert had also been divorced for quite some time and found himself very attracted to Rosy.
Despite her initial resistance to his advances, he finally suceeded in making love to her.
Rosy was mortified at her lack of self-control and sobbed, "I don't know how I'm going to face my daughter, knowing that in a time of weakness, I sinned twice!"
"What do you mean, twice?" he asked. "We only did it once."
"Well, you're going to do it again, aren't you?" Rosy asked.
The Justice League has a vacancy and the number 7 is interviewing to fill a superhero position...
Batman: Thank you for coming, 7. Its been rough since the Flash took off and we're having a hard time finding someone to replace him. Let's get right to it. What is your first power?
Number 7: Well, for my whole life I've been in prime condition and I don't anticipate that changing anytime soon.
Bathman: That's great to hear. What do you consider your second power to be?
Number 7: 49
John's wife is always complaining that their sex life is really boring...
...since John only knows the missionary position.So,after all that nagging,John decides to do some internet research on the subject.He spends hours watching porn on line,getting ready to blow his wife's mind.The next time they go to bed,he says to the wife:"I know that our sex life has been quite boring,so I want to try something new this time".The wife is still skeptical,but decides to give it a shot.So John starts as always with the missionary position but suddenly he just freezes,not a single move,not even breathing.After 10 seconds like that he continues like nothing happened!The wife is all freaked out,of course."WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?" she yells at him."Well,it's something that I picked up from the internet.It's a huge thing I guess,all the porn stars do it.It's called buffering"!..
I wanted to know how hard life was for women
So I dressed up as a woman and walked all around the city for the whole day. I think life is quite hard for them, when I discovered women get called a faggot all the time.
Facebook..in real life...
Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.
Therefore, every day I go down on the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do tomorrow night. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool.
I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them.
And it works.
I already have 3 persons following me: 2 police officers and a psychiatrist.
Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not find out about each other.
A priest, a lawyer, and a little kid are on a crashing plane...
There's only one parachute onboard. The priest says to the lawyer, "we've have lived our lives. This young boy has his whole life ahead of him. It only makes sense to give him the parachute." The lawyer responds, "Fuck the kid!" To which the priest replies, "You think we have time?"
Irish Philosophy
There are only two things you need to worry about in life;
Either you are well, or you are sick.
If you are well, then there's nothing to worry about. But if you are sick, then there's two things to worry about;
Either you will get better, or you will get worse.
If you will get better, then there's nothing to worry about. But if you get worse, then there's two things to worry about;
Either you will live, or you will die.
If you are going to live, then there's nothing to worry about. But if you are going to die, then there's two things to worry about;
Either you will go to heaven, or you will go to hell.
If you go to heaven then there's nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell...
You'll be so damn busy shaking all your friends' hands you won't have time to worry, so why worry?
I never remember silly things
A few old couples used to get together to talk about life and to have a good time.
One day one of the men, Harry, started talking about this fantastic restaurant he went to the other night with his wife.
Really? ,
one of the men said, what's it called? After thinking for a few seconds the Harry said, what are those good smelling flowers called again?
Do you mean a rose? the first man questioned.
Yes that's it, he exclaimed.
Looking over at his wife he said, Rose what's that restaurant we went to the other night?
A guy goes to his psychiatrist complaining about his sex life...
Upon further discussion the psychiatrist suggests that the spark of excitement has gone out of his client's marriage.
"Perhaps," he suggests, "the next time you are feeling amorous, you should just take your wife, sexually and with abandon, right there and then, no matter the circumstance."
The man agrees that it seems a good idea. Two weeks later, he returns for his normal session with the psychiatrist.
"How did things go?" asks the psychiatrist.
"Absolutely amazing," says the man. "One night, as we sat down to dinner, I looked at my wife. She looked at me and we immediately made mad, passionate love right there on the table."
"So, things are good?" asks the psychiatrist.
"Couldn't be better," says the guy, "except we're can't eat at the Denny's next to our house anymore."
A redneck family was visiting the city...
...and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen nuthin'like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Boy, go git yo Momma."
I've been having a rough time lately wth my life, and my best friend suggested I try some insoluble fiber.
He said it really helped him keep his shit together.
My 10-month old
My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, Straighten her up.
I looked at my daughter and said, What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It's time to grow up.
My wife hasn't asked me to do anything since.
The Operation
"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand.
Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!"
One last time
Three gay men are mourning the death of their common lover. They decide to split the ashes between then to be spread as they wished.
The first says "I'm going to cast his ashes into the ocean because some of the best times of my life were with him walking along the beach".
The second says "I'm going to take his ashes to our favorite camping spot where we hiked and watched countless sunsets together".
The third says "I'm going to sprinkle his ashes in a bowl of hot chili".
The first two looked puzzled and disgusted. "Why!?" They asked.
"So he can tear my asshole up one last time."
Jim and his sex life...
A man named Jim has been married to his beautiful wife for 15 years. They have two wonderful kids, a dog and a nice home.
You see, Jim works really hard at his job, but lately his sex life has suffered because of it.
Jim goes to his doctor to ask why he is so tired all the time.
Jim says to his doc "you know, I work 16 hour days and when I come home I just have no time to be intimate with my wife. I have no energy! What do I do!"
His doctor replies "Okay Jim I can see you're a little bit overweight so maybe you need some exercise to increase that stamina. Every day for 30 days I want you to walk a mile. I'll phone you after 30 days"
So Jim starts walking that day. He walks one mile every day, hoping this will help.
On the 30th day his doctor phones.
Doc: "Jim! Did you do what I told you?"
Jim: "Yeah I did doc."
Doc: "Well how's your sex life? Did it improve?"
Jim: "I wouldn't know. I'm 30 miles from home!"
Told to me by my grandmother
An old rabbi feels his time on earth is coming to an end...
He takes stock of his life and thinks about all the things he's done, and all the things he wishes he'd done. He thinks to himself, "I've always wanted to try pork!"
So the rabbi, being a cautious man, travels a few towns over and looks for a restaurant. Finding a likely place, he reads the menu and sees what he's looking for - a whole suckling pig. He sits down and places the order. Soon the pig arrives, skin crisp and glistening, with a big red apple in its mouth.
The rabbi is just about to tuck in when a member of his synagogue walks in and spots him. "Rabbi!" he exclaims, aghast, "What on Earth are you *doing*?!".
The rabbi looks at his plate, looks at the guy, and says "This restaurant! I order a baked apple, look how they serve it!"
Did I tell you about my addiction to Viagra?
It was the hardest time of my life.
My girlfriend finally asked me who I've had sex with in all of my life
I held back nothing and told her about every one of them. My first, the girls in higschool, that one time with her friend back in college, until I got to her... I probably should've stopped there.
Interviewing an 80-year-old lady
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go go go"
Two old army buddies are sitting at the bar trading stories...
"I remember the first time they took us up to jump out of a plane," says one guy. "The private ahead of me was so scared, he was hanging on to the plane door for dear life. The platoon sergeant was screaming at him to jump, but he just stood there, gripping the door and blubbering. Finally, the platoon sergeant yanked the guy's pants down, then pulled my pants down, and yelled 'Alright Private, you've got exactly three seconds to jump your ass out of this plane, or Private Jones here is going to fuck your virgin asshole raw!'"
After a long pause, his friend finally says "Well, did he jump?!"
"Yes," says the guy. "A little at first."
A man and his wife have four beautiful daughters
They decide they want one more child. Sure enough, nine months later they have a fifth. Overjoyed when he can finally see it, the man looks at it in the nursery of the hospital, and it is the ugliest child he has ever seen in his life. He talks to his wife and says, "There is no way that child is mine! We have four beautiful daughters! Have you been cheating on me?"
She says "Not this time, honey."
Time for a maths joke. What's the result of 45 into 12?
25 to life.
One day a kid is late to class
Kid: Sorry I'm late
Teacher: Go and sit down and you'll spend your break time in here with me
Kid: Thats not fair, I had an issue with my kitchen appliances
Teacher: Is that meant to be some kind of joke, we will discuss this in your time, not mine
*The teacher turns up to the detention 10 minutes late*
Teacher: Sorry I'm late
Kid: Well why were you late?
Teacher: You see, my kitchen appliances came to life and were misbehaving and using racial slurs
Kid: The pot calling the kettle black
Teacher: How did you know?
Good Mother in Law
A daughter was talking to her mom about married life, she told her mom that she wanted to divorce her husband because he liked anal sex. She told her mom that when she married her husband her asshole was the size of a dime and now it was the size of a quarter. Her mom said honey, he is a millionaire, he gives you $10,000 a week for clothes, you travel all the time, you have houses all over the world, you get a new Mercedes every 6 months and you are bitching about 15 cents?
My grandpa has got the heart of a lion
and a life time ban from the zoo.
It was an old man's 80th birthday...
It was an old man's 80th birthday and his friends wanted to get him a special gift. After some discussion they decide to have a hooker come to his house that night and give him the time of his life. Later that evening as the old man was getting ready for bed he hears the doorbell ring. He opens the door and sees a hooker standing there in a sexy outfit. The hooker says to the old man "I'm here to give you super sex!" The old man thinks for a second and says to the hooker "I'll take the soup".
A farmer and a pig with four wooden legs are walking down a road
I ask the man Why does your pig have four wooden legs?
The farmer replied There was this one time my house started on fire and this very pig pulled me out and saved my life!
I asked again So why does he have wooden legs?
The farmer replied again My tractor had severe engine problems and if it wasn't for this pig I would have gone up in flames!
I asked one last time SO WHY DOES THE PIG HAVE WOODEN LEGS???
The farmer looked up calmly and said If you had a pig this great, would you eat it all in one go?
New Years Eve
On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
What do you get when you cross human DNA with a penguin?
A life time ban at the zoo
William Hated His Time in the Army
He was always worried for his life when they yelled Fire at Will!
Dirty Joke
My sex life with my wife has started degrading.
Guess it's time to Bury her corpse
Praying and Sleeping
Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life.
The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York City.
St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward.
St. Peter then asks the second man the same questions. He replies that his name is Thomas O'Malley, and that he was a Catholic priest in Chicago. St. Peter looks in his book, then gives him a cotton robe and a wooden staff, and bids him to enter into heaven for his eternal reward.
Father O'Malley says, Wait a minute! Why did that taxi driver get a silken robe and golden staff while I, a Catholic Priest and a man of God, got a cotton robe and wooden staff?
St. Peter told him that the rewards in heaven are based on results, and while Father O'Malley preached, people slept, but while John Smith drove, people prayed!
A gay man goes to church.
So a wealthy gay man living up life in the big city decides it's time for some quiet living. He moves to a small rural community where he hopes to make some friends and enjoy the clean country air. Figuring the best way to meet the neighbors was at the local church, he decides to attend services and get to know his neighbors. The church was a quaint little white building made entirely of wood. He felt out of place in a brand new Armani suit while everyone else was wearing suits that were at least a decade old from the look of them, and most likely handed down. During the service, he was moved by the preachers retelling of the prodigal son returned, and realized that the community he was now living in was more than just rural but poor as well. When the collection plate started to come around, he was amazed that only a few bills and some change were in it by the time it got to him. He silently took out his bill fold which had over a thousand dollars and put it all in the basket. When the basket was returned, up front, the pastor saw the huge bill fold and then cried out, "Will the person who made such a great donation please rise and select three hymns?" The gay man jumped up, pointed at three strapping young men and said, "I'll take him, him, and him."
A penis, a pickle and a cucumber.
A penis, a pickle and a cucumber are sitting at a table all of whom are distraught.
Cucumber: Man my life sucks. Every time I get big fat and juicy, these humans slice us up, toss us in a salad and eat us
Pickle: Man, that's nothing. When I'm plump and juicy they slice me up, lay me on a hot slab of beef and smother me with bread then proceed to eat me
Penis: Laughing, You guys have it so easy. When I'm big and plump, they stick a rubber trap over my head, throw me in a dark room and bang my head against a wall until I throw up and pass out!
A Saudi Arabian Oil Baron sends his son to study abroad...
To help his son in his life and studies abroad, he gives his son a good deal of money and more importantly, a Ferrari sportscar, as he though it might be a good idea to flaunt some wealth.
Despite this, a few weeks later his son calls him and laments Dad, every time I go to lectures, I drive there with my Ferrari, but everyone else there takes the train, its really awkward as I'm the only guy with a car!
Incensed, the Oil Baron practically yells into the phone Son, I'm depositing 10 million Euros into your account now, stop embarrassing your family and buy yourself a train!
My best friend invited me to join a threesome
I've never been one for Male, Male, female threesomes because it's basically gray sex with a witness. However, my best friend who has been my best friend all my life, told me he had this smokin' hot chick coming over who wanted another guy. Being my best friend I felt like I couldn't say no. I show up and we're going at it for well over 40 minutes. I look at my friend and say, "Dude, we've been going for a long time. I dont know how much longer I can go. When's the babe showing up?"
[Cr
Two Statues in the Park...
A male and a female, magically come to life. They only have 24 hours of life in them, so they put it to good use.
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" says the male.
"Yes..." says the female shyly. They go hand in hand behind some bushes, and there is much rustling in the branches. An hour later, they both emerge together, tired but satisfied.
"Do you want to do it again?" The male says.
"Definitely!" The female coos. "But this time, you hold down the pigeons and I'll shit on them!"
I saved a mans life today. He was choking.
So i took my hands off his throat.
and said, "dont make me save your life again and use your blinker next time asshole."
Ghandi spent a lot of time fasting in his life, which made him thin and frail. He chose not to wear shoes often, so when he walked, he toughened up his feet. Rarely did he brush his teeth.
That makes him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Scotsman at a baseball game
A Scotsman newly immigrated to the U.S. wants to immerse himself in American life, so he goes to a baseball game. He has no clue how it's played, but every time the batter takes off for first base all the people around him yell, "Run! Run!" So he stands up and yells, "Rrrrun, laddie! Rrrrun!"
In the fourth inning a batter gets walked. When the umpire calls ball four he tosses the bat aside and starts ambling toward first at a leisurely pace. The Scotsman jumps up and yells, "Rrrrun, laddie! Rrrrun!" but the guy sitting next to him nudges him and says, "No, no, he's got four balls, he gets to walk." The Scotsman says, "Four balls?" He looks back out at the player, raises his fist and intones, "Walk prrrroud, laddie! Walk PRRROUD!"
A Boy approaches his Dad...
The Boy asks, "Dad, what is sex?"
The Dad ponders for awhile and figures that now is a good time for his 10 year old boy to finally understand the true facts about where babies come from.
He then elaborates on every single detail, from putting penises into vaginas, and even shares about his sex life with the Boy's mother.
The Boy, visually astounded, takes a long pause to absorb all the information.
He then whips out a piece of paper.
"So Dad... Do I circle the M or the F?"
A politician, priest and scout duo are in a crashing plane....
There are only 2 parachutes left and they are arguing who gets them
Politician: I'm an important man with connections I can help alot of people
Priest: I help people of all ages with all sorts of problems. I can't help alot if people too
Scout: We are only children and have my whole life ahead of us. We sould get the parachutes.
Politician: You know what, fuck the kids.
Priest: Do we have time?
My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place...
My wife said to me, Straighten her up.
I looked my daughter, square in the eyes and said, What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It's time to grow up.
My wife hasn't asked me to do anything since.
Why is Kylo Ren so lonely all the time?
He's Ben Solo his whole life
More life jokes or go to table of contents
Funny jokes about people on the go, sometimes even back in time.
I was going to post a time travel joke
But you guys didn't like it.
I was going to tell a time travel joke...
but you didn't like it.
I had a joke about time travel but you guys didn't like it.
So I choose not to post it this time around
If I Cuold Time Travel
I would fix the title.
I'd tell you a great time travel joke...
but you didn't like it..
So I thought I would share a time travel joke with you guys..
But you didn't like it.
But you didn't like it.
I was going to tell you a time travel joke.
The Job Interview
Me: "Time travel"
Potential Employer: "What would you say is your greatest stre-WHAT THE FUCK?!?
God decides to take a vacation...
So he goes to his travel agent to get some recommendations. God asks the agent where he should go and the agent says, "How about the Moon? It's supposed to be all the rage right now."
God thinks about it and says, "No... I'd like to go somewhere with a little more atmosphere."
So the agents says, "Okay, well how about Mars? It's really nice this time of year."
God considers it for a second and then says, "No... I'd really like to go somewhere with water."
The agent goes, "Oh well I've got the perfect place, how about Earth? It's got beautiful water and lots of atmosphere!"
God thinks about it again before saying, "No... I went there a couple thousand years ago and knocked up some Jewish girl and they've been talking about it ever since."
I was actually going to post a time travel joke...
But you guys didn't like it.
ATTENTION: This afternoon I will attempt to travel back in time and change history.
You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses world war II and Wednesday comes after Tuesday.
Three Americans visit saudi Arabia
They're having a good time and decide to travel through the desert, on the third day they come across a tent in the middle of nowhere with a DO NOT ENTER sign in many languages, of course they ignore it.
In the tent are over 100 naked beautiful women, they have a good time, is much sexiness.
Suddenly the tent flap opens and an angry Sheik stands there very angry, also mad "You have violated this place, only I can look on and touch these women, you must be punished! You! What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a police"
"Then we shoot your cock off!" Bang
"And you, what do you do?"
"I'm a fireman"
Then we burn your cock off!" Burn
"And finally you, what do you do?"
"I'm a lollypop salesman"
Time travel jokes never get old.
t now! What do we want?
More time travel jokes! When do we want them? Righ
I was going to post a time travel joke...
But you guys didn't find it funny
I was about to tell you time travel joke
But you didn't like it.
Yes, it is.
Is time travel possible?
I'd tell you a good time travel joke
But you didn't get it
"What do we want!?" "TIME TRAVEL!!"
"When do we want it?!"
"IT'S IRRELEVANT!"
I had a joke about time travel....
... But you guys didnt like it
time travel joke?
Wanna hear a
Two travellers a boy scout and a priest are on a crashing plane...
The first traveller tells the second: there's only one parachute, the boy scout is the youngest he should take it.
The second traveller replies: Nah fuck him.
The priest asks: Do you think we have time?
Good Mother in Law
A daughter was talking to her mom about married life, she told her mom that she wanted to divorce her husband because he liked anal sex. She told her mom that when she married her husband her asshole was the size of a dime and now it was the size of a quarter. Her mom said honey, he is a millionaire, he gives you $10,000 a week for clothes, you travel all the time, you have houses all over the world, you get a new Mercedes every 6 months and you are bitching about 15 cents?
Please listen closely...
Attention: Tonight I will attempt to travel back in time and change history. You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses WWII and Wednesday comes *after* Tuesday.
I wanted to post a time travel joke
But I got reported for reposting
T NOW!"
What do we want? "MORE TIME TRAVEL JOKES!"
When do we want them? "RIGH
What do we want?
Time Travel! When do we want it? It's irrelevant!
WHAT DO WE WANT?!?!!
TIME TRAVEL!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!
THAT'S IRRELEVANT!!
What do we want? Time travel.
When do we want it? It's irrelevant.
I thought I'd tell you a good time travel joke
But you didnt like it
A German in France
A German is traveling to France and is going through passport control. The agent asks the German "reason for travel ?"
"For work", replies the German.
Occupation ? Asks the agent.
"Not this time"
Travel
Two old men meet at a bar one night and start talking about their wives. The first of man says, "I just got married for the third time maybe this one will work out. How about you how many times have you been married?"
The second man replies "I've only been married once. In fact this year makes fifty years and we are as happy as ever."
"Wow," says the first man, "that's quite an achievement. What's your secret?"
The second man thinks for a minute then says "Well I would have to say it's all the travel. We've been all over the world. In fact just last week I took her to London and in three or four years I'll go pick her up."
So, the God decides he needs a vacation...
He goes to meet his travel agent:
"We have a special on Andromeda, Cthulu resort." - Nah it's way too hot...
"How'bout skiing in Pillars Of Creation?" - Maybe something cheaper, this time?
"Well, You may try the Earth, Solar System new Spa, great price".
- ... Been there like 2000 years ago, mate, made one chick pregnant.
They still keep talking about this...
Me: Time travel
Interviewer: what's your biggest stren- holy shit
What do we want?! Time travel!! When do we want it?!
That's irrelevant.
There was a business man that used to travel a lot
But every time he went to the airport, he got sick right away.
When he visited his doctor, the doc said "Its nothing serious. You're just terminally ill".
I was once addicted to time travel
But that's all in the past now
Scientist is giving an interview: "We found a way to kill 75% of cancer cells in mice".
Scientist is giving an interview: "We found a way to kill 75% of cancer cells in mice".
Newspaper's headlines next morning: "Scientists found a cure for cancer".
Scientist calls the interviewer again next day and is like "no no, I didn't mean that we can cure cancer now. It just means that our developments can help cure it **in future**".
Newspaper headlines next day: "Scientists discover time travel"
Enraged scientist calls and screams: "FUCK YOU!"
Newspaper headlines: "Scientist rapes a journalist!"
(Not an original, but the recent frontpage joke here reminded me of it.)
What do we want?
Time travel!
When do we want it?
That's irrelevant!
I wish that I could finish my time travel project
And I also wish that I would stop bugging me yesterday while I'm working on it
I was going to tell a time travel joke here...
But none of you liked it! :'(
Two gay men walk into a travel agent's office...
As they were flipping through the brochures, one suddenly says, "Hey, how about Greece this time?"
The other looks up confused and says, "Why, what's wrong with the Vaseline?"
I used to time travel a lot...
But thats all in the past now.
They are always backwards
Why are time travel jokes bad?
What do we want?
Time travel!
When do we want it?
Irrelevant!
Time Travel
Right now!
What do we want? More time travel jokes! When do we want them?
Jesus, my local time travel club postponed their meeting again..
Now its last week
T NOW! what do we want?
MORE TIME TRAVEL JOKES!! when do we want them? RIGH
A group of protesters are in front of a physics lab
What do we want?
Time travel!
When do we want it?
Irrelevant.
A group of protesters gather outside a physics lab
"What do we want?"
"Time travel"
"When do we want it?"
"Irrelevant"
I was about to tell you a joke about time travel
But you didn't like it :(
Yes
Have you heard about time travel?
I used to be addicted to time travel
But that's all in the past now.
...a confusing situation!
What do you get when you cross a joke with time travel...?
I thought I'd tell you a good time travel joke
But none of you liked it.
... AND IT WORKS!!!
I just invented a time travel machine...
I thought I'd tell you a good time travel joke...
–but you didn't like it.
"What do we want?" "Time travel!" "When do we want it?"
"It's irrelevant!"
Hobbies
One of my hobbies is time travel, I do it from time to time.
Did you hear about the guy who won the Nobel for inventing time travel to the future?
He was ahead of his time.
Trump being elected is proof that we never developed time travel.
Today I know why we never developed time travel.
Have you ever wanted to travel back in time...
Just so you can hand out a few well deserved condoms?
I thought I'd tell you a time travel joke
But you didn't like it
I was actually going to post a time travel joke...
but it seems someone beat me to it.
Seminar about time travel
will be held yesterday.
If the U.S. ever discovered Time Travel
It would go back in time and invade itself for oil.
Yes It Is
Is Time Travel Possible ?
Yes
Is time travel possible?
A magician discovers time travel
A magician pulls out a sledgehammer and asks for a volunteer. A guy comes up and the magician says, "I want you to hit me in the head with this sledgehammer." So the volunteer picks the sledgehammer up and swings it down into the magician's head. The magician wakes up in a hospital bed three years later and says, "Tadaaaaahhhh!!!!"
**Credits to u/GeneralText**
I was going to tell a time travel joke...
...but you guys didn't like it
I was gonna post a time travel joke
But after seeing how many times it been reposted, i think it can wait.
If I could travel back in time, I would go to the Inquisition.
I heard the women had nice racks.
A statistician and an engineer...
A mathematician and an engineer are standing about 20 feet away from an absolutely gorgeous blonde woman who is eyeing them both seductively.
She says to them, "Every time you approach me, you may only travel half the distance between us. Will you ever reach me?"
The mathematicitian says, "No, I'd never be able to reach her."
The engineer smiles and says, "Close enough."
Donald Trump is a pioneer in time travel,
he's gonna take America back 40 odd years.
What do we want? Time travel! When do we want it?
Irrelevant.
If twin ducks travel back in time and have a threesome with their mother on the day they were conceived...
...do they create a pair'a'ducks?
I was going to post an original time travel joke..
But someone already reposted it
I have a joke about time travel
But you got it the first time.
(Best told two or three days after making the recently posted "I have a joke about time travel, but you didn't like it.")
What does a mentally challenged Time Lord use for travel?
A retardis.
How does a Flat Earther travel the world?
One side at a time..
Time Travel!
I found a way to time travel but it only works at a rate of one second per second.
I have invented a new measure of time, the "light light year!"
It's the amount of time it takes for light to travel in one light year :D
Time travel joke
I was going to post a ~~time travel~~ *repost* joke..
But you guys didn't like it.
I made a time machine to travel back to the year 2001. You see my son had his first soccer game then, and I missed it only to show up 10 minutes after it ended.
When I go back to the past I'll tell myself that it isn't worth ditching work for and that the little dumbass loses the game anyways.
Time travel is actually possible!
I'll explain how five minutes ago.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
What is the 2nd worst reason to become a historian?
A. To find evidence of time travel.
What is the worst reason to become a historian?
To find evidence of your own time travel adventures
Anybody interested in time travel?
Meet me here last Thursday at 7pm.
Who says time travel doesn't exist and we can't go back in time?
America just did.
I got into a heated debate with my friend about time travel...
We really opened a can of wormholes.
The bartender says 'Sorry, no time travel allowed in here!'
The Doctor walks into a bar.
Einstein disproved, time travel is possible!...
..20 years old boy from Mossul ends up as 16 years old boy in Germany!
WHAT DO WE WANT?
\- TIME TRAVEL!
\- WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
\- IT'S IRRELEVANT!
Do you know how to time travel?
Sleep
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
If an Italian could time travel, where would he go?
To the Pasta.
What do we want?
Time travel!
When do we want it?
Irrelevant!
I just discovered a way to travel back in time
Flights to Saudi Arabia start off as low as $750
If I Cuold Time Travel
I would fix the title ^and ^^this ^^wouldn't ^^be ^^a ^^repost
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.
More travel jokes or go to table of contents
Time is money. All time best jokes about spending money.
Boss wants to have sex with his secretary
A boss said to his secretary "I want to have sex with you. I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor; by the time you bend down to pick it, I'll be done." She thought for a moment, then called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend then said "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast; he won't even have enough time to undress himself."
So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend decides to call his girlfriend. He asks, "What happened?"
She responds, "The bastard used COINS! I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."
So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.
He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver.
So, he gets in the first cab.
"How much is it to the airport?" He asks.
The driver says, "$15"
"Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?"
The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab."
So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?"
"$15"
"Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?"
And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab.
He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip.
He asks, "hey how much to the airport?"
Driver responds, "$15"
The guy hands him $15 and says "great let's go"
And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.
If I had a dollar for every time I got anal
I'd have enough money to bail my ass out of prison.
(NSFW) Getting Screwed Thousand Times
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, But she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me have sex with you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. "
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for £200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his Pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
...
She responded, "The bastard used coins!"
3 drunk guys got into a taxi...
...The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine and after a few seconds, simply turned it off again.
Taxi driver: We have reached your destination!
The first guy gave him some money and the second guy thanked him as they clambered out of the car.
The third guy slapped the taxi driver across the face. The taxi driver was shocked, thinking the third guy was drunk.
Taxi driver: What was that for??
Third guy: Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!!!
Johnny wanted to have sex
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else…
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me screw you,But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend… So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She responded, "The bastard used coins!"
Drunk guys and a Taxi
Three drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We're here". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Slow the hell down next time, you nearly killed us!"
A man goes to church
And tells the priest "Father, I almost cheated on my wife."
The priest asks him "How do you almost cheat on your wife?"
The man says "Well, me and the woman were naked but we just rubbed against each other."
The priest looks at him disgusted and says "Rubbing is the same as putting it in. Never do it again, say five Hail Mary's and put $100 in the donation pan."
The next time the priest sees the man he is infuriated "You didn't put $100 in the pan!"
The man looks at the priest disgusted and says "I rubbed the money against the pan, and rubbing is the same as putting it in."
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she was dating someone else…
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she was dating someone else. One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, I'll give you a $100 if you let me screw you. But the girl said NO. Johnny said, I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend… So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She replied ''I've only just finished picking it up, the bastard used change''
Since we're on a vacuum kick...
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Fuck off!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she tried to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit all over her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse shit from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a fucking good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."
A man says to his wife "I bet you $100 you can't say something to make me happy and sad at the same time"...
The wife thinks for a moment, responds "Of all your friends. You have the biggest dick" and grabs the money.
Dad: When you turn 18, I'm taking you to the strip club.
Teen: Of course not dad!
Dad: Oh shut up Jessica, it's time for you to start bringing money to the house.
Boss offers money for sex...
A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened? She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"
Read the fine print.
Boss: Let me fuck you just one time, I'll be quick and pay you $5000. I'll throw the money on the floor. I'll fuck you only for the time it takes you to bend down and pick up the money.
The girl likes the proposal and calls her boyfriend.
Boyfriend: Its fine but ask for $8000 and be very quick to pick up the money.
3 hours go by and the boyfriend calls her...
Boyfriend: What Happened?
Girlfriend: That bastard is still…
Aaah…
Fucking me…
Ahh...
He only brought pennies!!!
I loaned a blind guy some money...
It's ok though. He said he'd pay me back next time he saw me.
My wife doesn't know it,
but every time we have sex I put $1 in an envelope. I save that money, and plan on getting her something special for our anniversary.
So far she's getting a McChicken
If I had a dollar for every time my job fucked me out of my tips...
I'd have $0 because they'd also take that money
A Chinese man comes to America...
He brought all of his money over in RMB so he goes to a bank with 1000RMB and asks them to change it into dollars. The teller takes his money and gives him $650.
A week later he's out of cash and goes back to the bank with another 1000RMB. He gives it to the teller and this time he only gets $625 back. Perplexed he asks the teller in a heavy chinese accent.
"Hey, how come last time I get $650 dollar, this time only $625 dollar"
The teller shrugs and says "Fluctuations"
The chinese man flies into a rage and storms out of bank and as he slams the door he turns and yells
"FLUC U AMERICANS TOO"
Math Joke
The "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers, scientists, and teachers can never earn as much as business executives and sales people."
This theorem can now be proved by mathematics based on the two postulates:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As any engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
Since: Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money
Then: Knowledge = Work / Money.
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.
When i say i'm broke...I'm broke!
Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" I said. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!" and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
I stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of broke do you not understand?"
If I had a nickel for every time someone said "look at that asshole!"
I'd have enough money to patch up that hole in my pants.
A man has a £50 note tattooed on his willy
His wife says to him "Why have you done that!?" He replies "For one, I like to see my money grow; two, I like to play with my money; thrid, I like to have money in my hand and finally the next time you want to blow fifty quid you can stay at home and do it.
I let my blind friend borrow money
He said he was gonna pay me back the next time he saw me...
Choosing a Secretary
A businessman decides that it is time to hire a new secretary and has it narrowed down to a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. Unable to choose between the three of them, he decides to conduct an experiment. At the end of the day he places a five dollar bill on the ground in his office to see how each girl would react. The blonde sees the money, picks it up, and places on his desk and then walks out. The redhead sees the money but ignores it and walks out. The brunette sees the money, looks around, and puts it in her pocket before leaving. Which girl did the businessman hire?
The one with the biggest tits.
Even now, all this time later, we have to remain calm about the Net Neutrality thing...
Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.
If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need now!
Three drunk guys enter a taxi.
The taxi driver knew that they were drunk, so he started the engine and turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money and the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?".
The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"
After seven years of medical training and hard work
my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion.
He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession.
What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
Earlier today I saw the Facebook group 'kids vs cancer'
Well, it turns out writing "my money is on cancer every time" is one way to get quite a bit of hate mail.
nagging wife
A Scotsman and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem when the wife died suddenly. The undertaker said it will cost £5000 to ship her home or £50 to bury her here. The husband said ship her home. The undertaker said "but Sir why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money." The husband said "listen here pal, a long long time ago a man called Jesus was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead....... Shes goin fuckin home!"
Girls are evil...
(Saw this about 10 years ago)
If you have a girlfriend, then you know they cost time and money. Therefore:
Girls = time × money
But:
time = money
So:
Girls = money x money
Which means:
Girls = money^2
Now we all know that money is the root of all evil. So:
Money = sq.root(evil)
And now:
Girls = (sq.root (evil))^2
Which means:
Girls = Evil
What are your best "If I had ____ for every time..." jokes?
Two of my favorites are:
1. "If I had a dollar for every existentialist moment I've ever had...Does money even matter?" - Can't remember the comedian.
2. "If I had a quarter every time a hobo asked me for spare change, I'd still say no" - Bo Burnham
A man walks in on his wife having cybersex
Husband: What the hell are you doing?!
Wife: I'm sorry but I needed the money and I get paid $250/hour doing this!
Husband: How could you do this to me?! Why didn't you tell me?!
Wife: I'm sorry, I was afraid that you'd be mad, mad like you are now!
Husband: Of course I'm mad! You just left me to slave away at my job when all this time I could've been making $250/hour.
*The wife fainted*
A Japanese man walks into a currency exchange
A Japanese man walks into a currency exchange with 4000 yen to exchange and receives $40.
A week later, he walks into the currency exchange again with 4000 yen, but this time only receives $30. He asks the teller why he received less money this time.
"Fluctuations," the teller says.
Furious, the Japanese man storms out of the exchange, but before slamming the door, turns around and shouts "Fluc you Amelicans too!"
A little boy asks his mother what the difference is between a Democrat and a Republican?
The mother thinks hard and comes up with this explanation for the child.
A Democrat is like that very nice aunt you have that always promises to take you to Disneyland. But something always comes up and you never actually go.
A Republican is like a grumpy uncle. Every time you ask him about Disneyland he says absolutely not, we don't have enough money.
But then later you find out that he went with out you anyway.
- Corey Kahaney
Beers for everyone !!
A guy walked into a bar and said
"Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender. "
But when it was time to pay, the guy didn't have the money, so the bartender beat him up.
The next day the guy did the same thing, ordered a beer for everyone, even the bartender, and the bartender beat him up since the guy couldn't pay.
Then the next day, the guy said "Beers for everyone! But not you, bartender! "
The bartender said "Why? "
The guy replied "You're violent when you're drunk! "
3 Guys on Leave ( NSFW )
Three guys who are on leave from the Army, arrive at a whore house. They haven't had any action in a long time, so they are eager to get laid.
The madam of the house tells the three men, "Well, we have a $100, $200 and $300 special".
The first guy said, "I'm a bit lean on money. I'll take the $100 special." This hot chick escorts him to a back room and in about 15 minutes, he comes out with a satisfied look on his face. The other two guys ask him "Well.. how was it?"
"Man, it was fantastic! She came out, spread chocolate syrup all over my cock and licked it off! It was great!"
The second guy goes, "Give me the $200 special!" He is escorted to the back room and comes out about 30 minutes later. "Well, what happened?"
"Guys, it was awesome! She poured chocolate syrup on my cock, whipped cream and then licked it all off. It was unbelievable!"
So the last guy says, "Heck, give me the $300 special!". He is escorted to the back room and in about 5 minutes, he comes back with a somewhat grim look on his face.
"What the hell happened?" the guys asked.
"Well, I went in the room... she poured chocolate syrup all over my cock. Then she put whipped cream all over it. Lastly, she added a cherry on top. After that, the damn thing looked so good, I ate it myself."
How old guys pick up women.
I am getting on in years and not the best looking
guy anymore.
Some would even say I'm a little frayed around
the edges. But, I have a nice car, a little money
and I spend most of my time casually traveling
from place to place and enjoying life.
I met a nice looking girl in a park the other evening.
There was an instant spark between us. And all of
a sudden, she did this cute little dance, then
immediately dropped to her knees and lay on the
grass at my feet.
As we lay there making love, I thought ...
"Wow, these Tasers are really worth the money!!!"
A Well-Planned Life?
Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.
One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well planned life? "
"Yes," said her friend.
"My first marriage was to a millionaire;
my second marriage was to an actor;
my third marriage was to a preacher;
and now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"
She answered:
"One for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready,
and four to go."
After seven years of medical training and hard work, my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion and I think it's outrageous . He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession that he loves
What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
The tough CEO
A company, feeling it was time for a shake up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
A Rabbi Joke
"Rabbi Schomburg, I need 200 dollars badly for a down payment", said Cohen. "I keep praying to God for help but he doesn't send any!" "The important thing is not to lose faith", the rabbi said. "Just keep praying." After Cohen left, the rabbi felt sorry for him. He decided to give him 100 dollars out of his own pocket. The next time he saw Cohen the rabbi gave him the money and said, "Here, God sent this to you!"
Back home Cohen was grateful. "Thank you Lord," he said. "But next time can you not send it thru Rabbi Schomburg? That crook kept half of it!"
I caught my girlfriend cheating with my best friend.
She was tired of getting beaten all the time, and he was jealous of all my money and property. I was so upset when I found out, that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.
If I had a dollar every time I was called sexist...
I'd be making more money than the average woman
Two friends go to Vegas
But lost their wallets, between them they now only have $8.00.
The first friend says give me the money, I have a great idea
He goes into Walgreens and comes out with a bag
Second friend grabs it and looks inside and sees a box of tampons. He says that's great, you waste our last $8.00 on a box of tampons? What are we going to do now?
First friend says you got it all wrong! We're going to have a great time, look says right here on the box, we can go skydiving, horseback riding, skiing,rock climbing, we can do anything with these things!
A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a train.
The lawyer, assuming he could make some easy money, wanted to play a game with the blonde; he would ask her a question, and if she could not answer, she would pay him $5. Then she would ask him a question, and if he could not answer, he would pay her $5.
The blonde had no interest in playing with the the lawyer, so he offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5. But every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
The blonde thought about it for about a minute, and decided she did not know the answer. So she gave him his $5.
She then asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous phone calls, trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
What is the best thing that happened to you?
As a kid I always dreamt of travelling the world, learn about other cultures and write my own book. When my father passed away he left me enough money to do so. I decided it was time to fulfill my dream.
One place my journey took me to was an island with an ancient tribe living on it that was almost untouched by western civilization. I decided to dedicate one chapter in my book to this tribe. It took me months to learn their language, but I finally managed to interview one of the natives.
"What was the best thing that has happened to you here?" I asked.
-"One time" he said, "a girl got lost in the jungle. When we found her the chief let everyone of us have sex with her as a reward."
Of course I couldn't write that down, so I asked: "Is that really the best thing that happened to you?!"
-"Well, now that you mention it: One day TWO girls got lost in the jungle. When we found them, everyone was allowed to have sex with them."
I realized I'm not getting anywhere with this question, so I asked him:
"Ok, what was the worst thing that has happened to you?"
He looked down.
"You see... one time, I got lost in the jungle."
Johnny wanted to have sex.....
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else…
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me screw you,But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend… So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She responded, "The bastard used coins!"
If I had a million dollars for every time I lost money...
I'd have $43.
Boss and secretary.
A boss says to his secretary: "I wanna have sex with you, ill make it fast. Ill throw a 1000 bucks on the floor and by the time u bend down and pick it up ill be done."
She thinks about it and decides to ask her boyfriend
He tells her to ask for 2000 bucks and pickup the money really fast and to call her when its done.
An hour later the boyfriebd gets worried and calls her. He asks "what happened why didnt u call?"
So she says: "The bastard used coins!! Im still picking and he's still fucking!"
Two friends meet after a long time.
and begin catching up on old times.
Friend 1: "Hey last time I heard, your engagement fell through. What happened man?"
Friend 2: "Well it was her decision. She decided I'm not good enough for her."
Friend 1: "I'm so sorry to hear that. But you know what? You should have told her about your super rich dad, and how you would inherit his money."
Friend 2: "I did. She's my mom now."
An Irishman and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem...
when the wife died suddenly. The undertaker said it will cost £5000 to ship her home or £50 to bury her here. The husband said ship her home. The undertaker said "but Sir why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money." The husband said "listen here pal, a long long time ago a man called Jesus was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead....... Shes goin fuckin home!
Me and my son were arguing about him wanting a tattoo
If anyone out there is considering it, please don't. They cost a lot of money, hurt like hell and you're stuck with it for a long time after.
Same goes for the tattoo.
A Defendant in a Lawsuit . . .
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!"
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!"
Confidently the lawyer responded, "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."
"But I did send them.", replied the man.
"What?" shouted the lawyer.
"I sure did, that's how we won the case... good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiff's business card."
An old man goes into the brothel
He asks for a blowjob, gets it, and leaves unsatisfied after 30 minutes as he couldn't get an erection.
A week later he does the same again. And this repeats week for week.
The fifth time the prostitute asks: "Why are you doing this? You could spare the money as you clearly can't get an erection anymore at your age!"
He replies: "I knew this from the beginning, but I'm not able to clean it anymore by myself".
After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a friend of mine has been fired after one minor indiscretion
He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession he loves. What a waste of time, effort, training and money.
He was a genuinely nice guy and brilliant vet.
Three men go to heaven...
They all arrive at the same time with their wives. The first man steps up to St. Peter and asks to be let in, St. Peter replies, "You were a good man and helped others but you loved food too much over God, you even found a wife named Candy, so I can't let you in" he then pulled the lever and off the man went to hell. The second man steps up to St. Peter and also asks to be let in, St. Peter then replies, "You were a good man and went to Church but you loved money too much over God, you even found a wife named Penny, so I can't let you in" he then pulled the lever and off the man went to hell. The third man turns to his wife and says "Fanny, I think we're in trouble."
I was walking down the street when a homeless man asked me for a few dollars for food.
I pull $10 from my wallet and ask the man "if i give you this money will you buy beer with it?"
"No i had to give up drinking years ago" the man replied
"Will you use it to fish instead of buying food?" I asked
"No i dont waste time fishing" he replied " I have to use my time to try and stay alive"
"Will you use it to buy hunting equiptment i asked?"
"Are you NUTS? I havent been hunting in twenty years!!"
"Well" i said " instead of giving you the money im going to take you home and give you a nice hot bath, and a amazing dinner cooked by my wife"
The man, astounded asked " wont your wife be furious?"
I replied "dont worry about that. It's important for her to see what happens to a man when he stops hunting, fishing and drinking."
If I had a penny for every time my wife and I argued about money
She'd spend it on a handbag
A businessman had been away from home for a looooong time.
So, he goes to a brothel and tells the head madam: Listen, I'll give you $200 if you find me a decent girl who can give me an average fuck. The madam told him that for that amount of money she would get him a hot girl who would give him a helluva fuck to which the businessman says: but you don't understand. I'm not horny. I'm just homesick
I let a blind man borrow some money the other day
He said he'll pay me back the next time he saw me
A girl and a boy are at recess one day...
Boy : I'll pay you 10 bucks to climb the flagpole
Girl : Ok! (climbs the flagpole)
(Later that day)
Girl : Mommy, mom! A boy payed me money to climb a flagpole!
Mother : (chuckles) He just wants to see your underwear.
-NEXT DAY-
Boy : I'll pay you TWENTY bucks to climb the flagpole.
Girl : Alright! (climbs the flagpole)
-Later that day-
Girl : Mom, the same boy payed me twenty bucks to climb the flagpole; but I tricked him this time, and I wasn't wearing underwear.
Mom : .........
A guy buys a golf course...
It's doing well, but maintenance costs are killing him, so he decides to build 3 robots. They're instantly doing 10 times the work of humans, & he's happy. One day the club pro is teeing off in a money game & gets blinded by the glare from a robot. Its not the first time, & he tells the owner he must fix this issue. He thinks about it, & decides to simply paint the robots black. So the next day two of them don't show up for work & the third one robs the pro shop.
A cold blooded revenge story..
A guy went to a casino and lost all 10,000$. Swearing for the situation he goes to a taxi driver and asks:
I have lost all my money, please give me a ride back home for free.
Fuck off, no money, no ride.
The next day the guys come to casino again and this time he successfully won all the money back and 10,000$ extra. Hi goes out of the casino happily and sees five taxis, and the last car is the one, which refused to give a ride for free yesterday.
He goes to the first taxi and says:
Will you take me home for 100$?
Sure!
But when you take me there you'll have to do the blowjob as well
Fuck off, man...
The guys goes to all next three cars and the story repeats. Finally he goes to the last taxi driver, who refused to help a day ago, and says:
Will you take me home for 100$?
Sure!
Deal, but you have to pass through those other four taxi drivers very, very slowly.
If time means money...
...then an ATM is **A** **T**ime **M**achine.
A hearty laugh after a long time.
A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.
The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"
Wife and i need a vacation.
So my wife and i needed a vacation, however didn't have the money. So my wife suggests that for one year every time we have sex we put $20 in a jar, at the end of the year we use the moeny to pay for a trip. A year goes by and we decide to count the money.. I count it and tell the wife we have $1200, but then i ask her i thought we agreed to only put $20 in the jar, why are there $50 and $100 bills? My wife replied, not everyone is as cheap as you!!!
I try not to comment about what is in the news but...
I have seen a lot of hate spewed in recent days about a man who is a constant winner and overachiever, and that's what the people who support him like about him. Yes, he's been caught in some lies and maybe twisted the truth a little but he's still out there proving his haters wrong time after time! Some people are just jealous of someone who is successful and has money. Throw in a hot foreign model at his side and they hate even more. You may not have wanted him in this role, but he's there now and there's nothing you can do about it. I know its just going to get worse over the next several days, but like it or not, Tom Brady is in the Super Bowl.
People say time is money
Well I don't buy that for a second
A Saudi Arabian Oil Baron sends his son to study abroad...
To help his son in his life and studies abroad, he gives his son a good deal of money and more importantly, a Ferrari sportscar, as he though it might be a good idea to flaunt some wealth.
Despite this, a few weeks later his son calls him and laments Dad, every time I go to lectures, I drive there with my Ferrari, but everyone else there takes the train, its really awkward as I'm the only guy with a car!
Incensed, the Oil Baron practically yells into the phone Son, I'm depositing 10 million Euros into your account now, stop embarrassing your family and buy yourself a train!
3 drunk guys entered a taxi
The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"
The Penguin Dilemma!
There's a truck driver hauling a load of Penguins going to the Zoo and his truck breaks down, so along comes another truck driver, stops and ask him if he needs help.
The truck driver says he has to get this load of Penguins to the zoo on time. The other truck driver says "well my trailers empty I could take the for you. The truck driver says "thats a great idea if you take these Penguins to the Zoo for me I'll give you $500.00." So the other driver says "you got a deal."
So a few hours go by and the broken down truck driver sees the other truck driver walking and the Penguins are following him. the truck driver says "hey, I gave you $500.00 to take those Penguins to the Zoo for me! " The other driver says, "I did take them to the Zoo, I had money left over and now I'm taking them to the movies!
3 drunk guys and a taxi driver
3 drunk guys enterd a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"
Someone asked me to sign their cast.
So I wrote, "Last warning. You have a week to get the rest of the money together. Next time we won't be so nice."
A man and his ever-nagging wife went to Jerusalem...
but while they were there, his wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150 or have her shipped home for $5,000." The man thought about it for a moment and then decided to have his deceased wife shipped home.
"Why spend so much more money to have her sent home when you can just have her buried here in the Holy Land for only $150?"
The man replied, "A long time ago, a man died here, was buried here but arose from the dead three days later. I just can't take that risk."
Salary Theorem: The less you know, the more money you'll earn (PROVEN INSIDE!)
Salary Theorem states that Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People.
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.
As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time
Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion:
The less you know, the more you make.
Women are like a swimming pool...
considering the money you spent on it and the time you spend in it
My grandparents would always take me out to dinner when I was a kid and jokingly ask me, "Are you paying this time?"
I would laugh and say "No! I don't have any money". They did this right up until I started college. We went to dinner same as always but at the end they didn't ask me. It was strange but figured they forgot. Well after a while it started to bother me. Finally after dinner one night I asked them "Why don't you guys ask me to pay anymore?". They looked at me and said "Your in college now, there is no point in asking, we KNOW you don't have money"
An old man found a box in his attic.
Inside were two knit bonnets and $250,000. He went to his wife and asked if she knew anything about it. She explained, "Every time I was mad at you, I'd knit a bonnet." The man was happy to find that, in 40 years of marriage, he'd only angered his wife twice. "OK, that explains the bonnets, but what about the money?" the old man asked. His wife smiled and said,"That's from selling all the bonnets I've made over the years."
Well, it's that time of year again
when people come up to me with their scary face and frightening clothes with their hand held out wanting money and shit.
I hate my job at the welfare office.
Money-minded Cabbie!!
A guy is on a date with a girl, so he takes her to Lovers' Lane.
When they get up there, she says, ''I have to be honest with you -- I'm a hooker.'' The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay. He agrees to pay her $25, and they start having sex.
After they finish, the guy says, ''I have to be honest with you now. I'm a cab driver, and it'll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town.''
Death in the holy land.
A irishman and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem when the wife died suddenly. The undertaker said it will cost £5000 to ship her home or £50 to bury her here.
The husband said ship her home. The undertaker said "but Sir why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money."
The husband said "listen here pal, a long long time ago a man called Jesus was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead....... Shes goin fuckin home!
Devastated. A very sad day today. After seven years of training in the medical fields and hard work, a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money...
A genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Man walks into tattoo shop...
Says to the artist "I'd like to get a one hundred dollar bill tattooed on my dick".
"$100 tattooed on your dick? Give me 1 good reason why you'd want to that?" asks the tattoo artist.
"1 good reason? I'll give you 3." Says the man. "First, I love playing with my money. Second, I love to watch my money grow. But most importantly, the next time my wife wants to go out and blow $100 - I can tell her just to stay home."
Knowledge is power.
* Knowledge is power
* Time is money
* Power = work/time
So
* Time = work/power
Which implies
* Money = work/knowledge.
So for a fixed amount of work, the more you know the less money you get.
A priest, a rabbi, and an imam...
A priest, a rabbi and an imam are walking through a field discussing the glory of God. The priest comes up with an idea.
"Let's draw a circle on the ground and throw all our money in the air. Whatever lands inside the circle, God can keep."
The imam says, "I have an even better idea. Let's draw the same circle on the ground and throw all our money in the air. Except this time, whatever lands outside the circle, God can keep."
The rabbi exclaims, "I have the best idea. Let's throw all our money in the air and whatever stays up there, God can keep."
Hope this didn't offend.
I heard that John Cena had a failed porn career...
Every time they tried to do the money shot nobody could see him coming.
How are women like swimming pools?
They both cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time of money you spend inside.
If I had a dollar for every time the economy inflated...
I'd have an infinite amount of money, but i'll still be poor as fuck.
A boss and his secretary.
A boss said to his secretary "I want to have SEX with you, I will make it very FAST. I'll throw $1,000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be DONE." She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2,000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself". So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call his girlfriend, he asks, "what happened?" She responds,"The Bastard used COINS, I'm still PICKING and he is still fucking!!!
Probably a repost but whatever.
If I had a pound for every time someone called me lazy
I'd have enough money to not need a job
A priest sees God
After being initially overwhelmed, the priest tries to talk to God to finally resolve some theological and philosophical conundrums:
He asks God: Almighty, how do you experience physical space?
God strokes his beard and says: physical space means nothing to me, billions of your miles are but a hair's breadth to me.
The priest: And time?
God: Billions of your years are but a second to me.
The priest: What about money?
God smiles and says: Money means absolutely nothing to me, all the money in the word is less than a cent to me.
The Priest, gathering courage then asks God: Almighty, would you mind than, maybe, creating few millions for our impoverished parish?
Sure - says God - just a second.
Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson
As Farrah Fawcett takes her last breath and dies, she opens her eyes and finds her self in heaven and standing in the presence of god. God says to Farrah "My child, throughout your life you have been a good person. You donated time and money to help the less fortunate and you also managed to become a successful and beautiful person. For your contributions, I will grant you one final wish." Farrah being a giving and selfless person said "I just want the children to be safe" and just like that Michael Jackson dies.
I will do all your suffering
It can buy you a House
But not a Home
It can buy you a Bed
But not Sleep
It can buy you a Clock
But not Time
It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge
It can buy you a Position
But not Respect
It can buy you Medicine
But not Health
It can buy you Blood
But not Life
So you see, Money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering.
I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering...
So send me all your money, and I will suffer for you.
A truer Friend you will never find.
*anyone know the source of this?*
The $50 Honesty Test
Three women were going for a job in a bank.
They were all asked the same question in their interview -
If you found $50 on the floor of the bank, what would you do with it?
The first woman says - "I would hand it straight into the management, it would be wrong of me to do anything else."
The second says "in all honesty I would keep the money, as finding the owner would take too much effort and time from everyone else's part"
The third said "I would put it into the register and leave it there until claimed"
So who do you think got the job?
The one with the biggest tits.
If I had a dollar for every time a homeless person asked me for money...
I'd still say no.
Saving money is easy. I'm working on my second million right now.
Gave up on the first million a long time ago.
An 80 year old lady gets married for the 4th time.
This time to a funeral director.
The local paper does a story on her and they ask her about her previous marriages.
She tells them that at 20 she married a bank manager, at 40 a ringmaster, at 60 a pastor and at 80 a funeral director.
The reporter asks her why?
1 for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready and 4 to go.
A sad day for a doctor
After 7 years of study, training and hard work, a member of the medical profession has been fired after one minor lack of judgment. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession.
What a waste of time, effort, training and money. This shows that one minor mistake can ruin your career. Praying for him and his family. He was a genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant veterinarian.
Johny was offered a nickel or a dime...
Johny was bullied by all the other second grade students. Every day, they would offer him either a dime or a nickel. Every time, he took the nickel. The kids would all laugh at him every time he took the nickel. One day a kid asked him why he always took the nickel, even though the dime was worth more. He quietly responded, "If I take the dime, they will stop offering me the money. I've made $20 already!"
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Best of 380 Funniest Time Jokes Ever. Funniest all time one liners along with mean jokes about marriage, dirty sex and disgusting black humor.
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