Time Jokes
194 time jokes and hilarious time puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about time that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
It's no surprise that time jokes are a favorite among funny folks. Whether it's about Daylight Savings Time, spring time, or any other timed event, these jokes are sure to have you laughing the night away! With the help of the wife, we've gathered the best time jokes around to get you through the day with a smile. Enjoy!
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Funniest Time Short Jokes
Short time jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The time humour may include short temp jokes also.
- If i had a dime for every time i didn't understand what's going on. I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
- Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she won't think twice... Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.
Because elephants never forget - Everyone knows Alan Turing who cracked Enigma codes. But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.
- As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time" I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?
- Wife was breastfeeding Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
- My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
- Harry Potter has way too many characters... Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.
- Tide has some serious ad time during the superbowl this year Must be able to afford it after cornering the teenage snack food market
- A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak. So, to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy.
- I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time. When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.
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Time One Liners
Which time one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with time? I can suggest the ones about minutes and seconds.
- What is the most expensive video-streaming service at this time? College
- I can count on one hand how many times I have been to Chernobyl. It's 14.
- 6:30 is the best time on a clock hands down
- Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa Because tomorrow he turns 81!
- If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis Would it even matter?
- I tell dad jokes all the time even though I'm not actually a dad I'm a faux pa.
- What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA? Banned from of Seaworld
- You've heard of alphabet soup. Now get ready for Times new ramen
- TIL humans eat more banana than monkeys. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
- Reposting this one because it didn't get enough upvotes last time. 1
- What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is all the time? A widow.
- Why did Eminem kneel at the half time show? His knees were weak, and arms were heavy.
- What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? A waist of time.
- How do you turn a 3D printer into a 4D printer? Just give it time.
- Are people born with a photographic memory.... ....or does it take time to develop ?
Old Time Jokes
Here is a list of funny old time jokes and even better old time puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My 12 year old just told me a joke He said I've been trying to cut down the amount of video games I play, I'm only playing for 30 minutes before I go to bed. Last night I went to bed 8 times.
- My 12 year old son tried coffee for the first time today "It tastes like dirt!"
I told him it was just ground this morning. - Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer's. Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.
- I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken. Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered The chicken
- The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million year old Himalayan rock salt bed The label says the expiry date is June 2018.
I'm so glad they dug it up just in time - A joke my 10yr old sister has been repeating five times a day: where do cows live? Moo York.
- As a 12 year old, online dating is a tough thing Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.
- Did you hear about the guy who spent six months making a belt out of watches? He said it was a waist of time.
(as told to me last night by my 10 year old). - How do you make three old ladies all yell profanity at the same time? Have the forth one yell " BINGO!".
- In the old West, a lantern was often mounted on a horse for night time travel.... It was thought to be the first generation of 'Saddle-Light-Navigation'.
Time Keeping Jokes
Here is a list of funny time keeping jokes and even better time keeping puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I keep getting hit by the same bike, at the same time and place, day after day... It's a vicious cycle.
- The First Rule of Fight Club... ... Is to not talk about fight club.
The second rule of fight club...
Please keep your seat belt on at all times when the light is on. - I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
- I've tried calling Stephen Hawking many times I keep getting his answering machine
- Some young women are like bottles of wine They need to be tended to carefully and given time to mature, which is why I keep a few in my cellar.
- Let's hear it for snow!.. The only time that four inches can keep a woman in bed all day.
- What does Big Foot keep time with? His sasqwatch
- I can't understand why my credit card keeps getting declined Every time I log into my account online it says I have an outstanding balance.
- I asked a train engineer how many times he had derailed. He said
"I don't know it's hard to keep track." - At a party, a wife admonished her husband. That's the fourth time you've gone back for ice cream and cake. Aren't you embarrassed?"
* Why should it? I keep telling them it's for you. *
Time Travel Jokes
Here is a list of funny time travel jokes and even better time travel puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The bartender says "No time travelers allowed in this bar" Two time travelers walk into a bar
- A Russian Tourist Travels Abroad. Border guard: Nationality?
Tourist: Russian.
Border guard: Occupation?
Tourist: No, no, just visiting this time. - Because the punchline gets spoiled early. Why is this time travel joke not funny?
- I wanted to make a joke about time travel... ...but you guys didn't like it.
- I was going to tell you all a joke about time travel. Unfortunately none of you liked it.
- If I Cuold Time Travel I would fix the title.
- The punchline comes before the joke You know what the worst thing about time travel jokes is?
- and asks for a drink. A time traveller walks into a bar
- The barman says, We don't serve time travelers in here. A time traveler walks into a bar.
- With the punchline first. How did the time traveler tell his jokes?
(I'm sorry, it was just so easy!)
Time Pass Jokes
Here is a list of funny time pass jokes and even better time pass puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The internet is an amazing thing. One minute I'm at work looking up
random pages, passing the time, the
next minute I'm at home looking for a new job. - I wonder... I always wondered what my parents did to pass time before things like the internet and TVs were invented.
I asked my 26 siblings for advice. - My son just became a father for the first time today… And in passing on the paternal torch, when he asked me where I kept all my dad jokes, I told him…they were stored in my dadabase.…
- How is Valve like Uranium-238? By the time they get to the third Half Life 13.5 Billion years will have passed.
- I swallowed a watch.. And now I'm just looking for a way to pass the time
- Would now be a good time to make a joke about the Mars rover dying? Or has the Opportunity passed?
- One positive of Arnold Palmer's passing... He's six under for the first time in years...
- So apparently the Senate just passed a bill to make Daylight Savings Time permanent Most people are excited about the change, but I think if it passes the House it'll be hour loss.
- It's times like this I remember the last thing my father said to me before he passed away...
- When my time comes, I want to pass away quietly in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not yelling and screaming like everyone else in the car.
Daylight Savings Time Jokes
Here is a list of funny daylight savings time jokes and even better daylight savings time puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- BREAKING: The US Senate has unanimously approved a bill that would make Daylight Savings Time permanent! If you ask me, it's about time!
- I hate daylight saving time so much That I lost sleep over it last night.
- Daylight Saving Time ends today. So I have to remind myself, that the clock on my microwave will be wrong for the next several months.
- Boss: "You're an hour late!" Guy who is about to invent daylight savings time: "Haven't you heard?"
- I just lasted 61 mins in bed a new record! Thanks Daylight savings time...
- Thanks to Daylight Savings Time... My girlfriend thought I lasted 1 hour and 3 minutes!
- I'm not so sure about this daylight savings time thing I give it six months
- Daylight savings time. Is the government cutting off the bottom of a blanket and sewing it to the top and saying ,"see its longer now".
- Daylight Savings Time Gave Me a Back Injury I need to buy a smaller sundial.
- I really like daylight savings time, I got an extra hour of sleep last night I was in bed for 7 hours, but when I woke up it was EIGHT HOURS LATER!!!!
Uproarious Time Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time
What funny jokes about time you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean clock jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make time pranks.
Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.
You see, it used to get cold outside
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation s**......
Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.
She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got fired from the s**... bank yesterday
Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have s**... with your cousin?
[Twice removed]
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...
The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."
"That's not it."
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
My marriage is over.
I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.
I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The first time I had s**..., it was in my parent's bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, This is a bit awkward.
I grunted, Just ignore them.
A young artist exhibits his work for the first time...
.. and a well known art critic is in attendance.
The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"
"Yes, " says the artist.
"It's worthless," says the critic
The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."
The new father
A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.
"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."
"Dad you dont mea-"
"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.
"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."
"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."
Just one.
How many scientists does it take to build a time machine?
A boy paid a girl $10 to climb a flagpole...
She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said "honey, he just wanted to see your underwear." The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said "I will give you $20 to climb the flagpole." Again she agrees and climbs. She goes home and tells her mother "mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn't wear any underwear."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's red and d**... dangles from the ceiling?
This was my grandfathers all time favorite joke.
Pop Pop: What's red and d**... dangles from the ceiling?
Me: I don't know...
Pop Pop: A Red d**... dangle of course!
Pop Pop: What's green and d**... dangles from the ceiling?
Me: A green d**... dangle!
Pop Pop: No they only come in Red.
Me: :|
Tomorrow I am going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid.
I can't wait to see how big my puppy got
Trumpets and Guns
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.
One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"
"What do you mean strange?"
"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"
"So?"
"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"
"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
m**... should've been legalized at the same time as same s**...-marriage
because it says in the bible, a man who lies with another man shall be s**...
Pavlov's birds
An MIT student spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.
My daughters boyfriend still doesn't know how to tie his shoes...
Every time I walk in her room that's all she's doing.
Boy scout: Sir, I found a snake, is it poisonous?
Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all
*Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified*
Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time lads
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have s**.... This is all I'm spending for her Christmas present.
So far she's getting a McChicken.
How many super saiyans does it take to change a light bulb?
Find out next time, on Dragon Ball Z!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
100m Dash
A girl says to her friend "The last time I had s**... was like the 100 meter dash"
Her friend says "What, over in 6 seconds?"
"No, with 8 black men and a gun."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My girlfriend of 5 years asked me...
My girlfriend of 5 years asked me when was the last time I had s**... with someone before her.
I said "back in '09". It sounds much better than saying September.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is in the hospital in a coma...
and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her c**..., her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes o**... s**... will bring her out of the coma.
The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."
A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom
The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."
The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"
So God creates Adam...
...and soon after he notices that Adam is lonely.
God says "Do not fear, my child. For I will create a partner to accompany you and man from this time forth. She will be known, as a woman."
God continues "She will be obedient, loyal, passionate and nurturing."
Adam hesitates..
"What is this gonna cost me?" Adam asks.
God responds "An arm and a leg."
Adam retorts "What can I get for a rib?"
Cheer up Hilary!
At least you won't have to work at the same desk that Monica spent so much time under.
"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn't breathe?"
"Haha you can't fool me again, dad. A chair!"
"Not this time. Our dog died."
I went to my first Fight Club meeting last night
Unfortunately I arrived 10 minutes late so I missed the introductions but I must say I had a fantastic time I'd recommend it to everyone.
My girlfriends parents are very religious.
The first time I was at their house her father said we weren't allowed to sleep together. It was a bit of a shame, he was very attractive.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
People compare Trump and h**... all the time, but there is one major difference.
h**... was good at making speeches
A girl walks into a dry cleaner
She drops off her dress and turns to leave. The owner says, "Come again!". She says, "No it was toothpaste this time."
My dentist asked me the last time I flossed
I replied, "You remember.. You were there.."
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter.
He runs Facebook.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My priest is surprisingly homophobic...
...for a man who spends his nights on his knees, begging for another man to come for a second time.
After 5 long years of studying, a student comes rushing into Einstein's office shouting...
"Sir, Sir, I finally understand your theory of Special Relativity!"
Einstein rolls his eyes, "It's about time"
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
With the rise of self-driving vehicles...
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too
4th of July,
The only time of the year Americans say the day and month in the correct order.
Edgar Allen Poe is about to walk into a tree and you only have enough time to say one word before he hits it. What should you say to him?
Poetry!
My girlfriend and I broke up today
Her: "I just need time."
Me: "Okay. Yeah, I understand."
Her: "And distance, as well."
Me: "Fine. But can I ask you one last question?"
Her: "Go ahead."
Me: "What are you calculating the velocity of, anyway?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Made love to my wife for an hour and four minutes tonight
Thanks, Daylight Savings Time!
The misuse of users' Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress.
He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little boy caught his mom riding his dad.
The little boy said, Mom what are you doing?
She said, Son, your daddy's stomach is too big so I sit on top to flatten it out.
He said, Aw momma you're wasting your time because when you're not here the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it back up!
My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant...
...I can't pull anything out in time!
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, Can you tell me what happened before The Big Bang?
The professor replied, Sorry. No Time.
Every time I ask someone what the acronym LGBTQ stands for...
I can never get a straight answer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a m**... Vegan?
A WeedWhacker (sorry if it's awful first time on this sub)
As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I've learnt...
1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.
2.) They LOVE chocolate.
Have you seen the new Exorcist movie?
This time it's the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.
Putin visits Estonia
Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".
"Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".
"Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mom got a s**... change operation
After being unhappy for many years my mother came to me and said she was going to get a s**... change operation. I didn't fully understand but I was very supportive throughout the whole operation, then he came home.
That's when it all started, all the time all day long horrible dad jokes, terrible puns and all around just awful humor. After a few weeks and being fed up, I realized something and I confronted them.
"Did you seriously just have a s**... change operation just for the dad jokes?!" I asked.
He replied, "Oh you could see right through me, I must be so trans-parent."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman tells her doctor, "Kiss me!"
The doctor says, "What? Why would I do something like that?"
The woman says again, "Kiss me now!"
The doctor replies, "Certainly not!"
The woman demands a third time, "Doctor, I want you to kiss me!"
The doctor answers, "No! It's unprofessional, highly unethical, and to be honest we probably shouldn't even be having s**... right now!"
America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends.
Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.
A man walks into a bar and sees 2 steaks hanging from the ceiling.
He sits down and orders a beer, and asks the bartender
"what's the deal with the steaks?"
"It's a competition. If you can jump up and slap both steaks at the same time, one with each hand, you win the bar. If you try and fail, though, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the night"
The man sits and thinks it over, and a couple minutes later the bartender asks if he wants to have a go.
"Nah, the steaks are too high"
As a non-American, I love seeing Americans saying Happy 4th of July.
It's the only time Americans pronounce dates correctly.
Has COVID-19 got you wearing glasses and a mask at the same time?
You may be entitled to condensation.
EDIT (July 14, 2020 7:40PM PST): Um, wow. I did not expect the 2.9K likes, especially since I didn't come up with it. Thanks for the support guys and y'all got me, I read it somewhere else and shared it.
A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead: "I'm afraid he died last week," she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you," the wife replies, "he died last week." The day after he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts: "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
"Cos" He replies laughing, "I just love hearing it..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is preparing a dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.
The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his house, then he rings the bell. His furious wife opens the door. 'Where the h**... have you been?' she screams. The husband waves back to the snails, 'Come on, lads!' he shouts 'We're nearly there!'
A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub
The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren't mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"
The cop, obviously in disbelief, tells the woman, "Show me."
So the woman tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the woman's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"
I don't think my girlfriend likes my schizophrenia meds
Because every time I take them she goes away
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I haven't had s**... since 1956
A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956..." The general looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's private study
Maid: "I'd like a raise."
Mrs. Smith:"Why do you think you deserve a raise?
Maid:"Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you."
Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"
Maid:"Your husband. Second, I clean better than you."
Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"
Maid:"Your husband.Third, I'm better in bed than you are."
Mrs. Smith:"I suppose my husband said that too?"
Maid:"No, the gardener."
Mrs. Smith:"How much do you want?"
