You see, it used to get cold outside
Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.
I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?
She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.
Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
[Twice removed]
Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.
hands down
Must be able to afford it after cornering the teenage snack food market
The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.
I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.
I grunted, Just ignore them.
Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.
When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.
.. and a well known art critic is in attendance.
The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"
"Yes, " says the artist.
"It's worthless," says the critic
The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."
Would it even matter?
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too
Because last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died
She drops off her dress and turns to leave. The owner says, "Come again!". She says, "No it was toothpaste this time."
...for a man who spends his nights on his knees, begging for another man to come for a second time.
Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".
"Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".
"Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".ο»Ώ
A WeedWhacker (sorry if it's awful first time on this sub)
This time it's the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.
It's a vicious cycle.
And I answered, because of the decepticons!
She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed, I shot Alexa.
It was a good time.
-
-
I can never get a straight answer.
Her: "I just need time."
Me: "Okay. Yeah, I understand."
Her: "And distance, as well."
Me: "Fine. But can I ask you one last question?"
Her: "Go ahead."
Me: "What are you calculating the velocity of, anyway?"
But then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents
...I can't pull anything out in time!
The professor replied, Sorry. No Time.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
She tells the attendant that she needs to have her dress cleaned.
However, the attendant wasn't paying attention. Snapping out of his day dream, he asked, "Come again?"
Giggling, the blonde replied, "No, just mustard this time."
Because the sign says no trespassing.
1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.
2.) They LOVE chocolate.
A widow.
At least you won't have to work at the same desk that Monica spent so much time under.
Hitler was good at making speeches
The only time of the year Americans say the day and month in the correct order.
Thanks, Daylight Savings Time!
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.
"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."
"Dad you dont mea-"
"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.
"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."
"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."
She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said "honey, he just wanted to see your underwear." The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said "I will give you $20 to climb the flagpole." Again she agrees and climbs. She goes home and tells her mother "mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn't wear any underwear."
Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all
*Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified*
Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time lads
black people would rob me
I mean the verb, not the adjective.
Find out next time, on Dragon Ball Z!
A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
The first time I was at their house her father said we weren't allowed to sleep together. It was a bit of a shame, he was very attractive.
The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."
The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"
Two men walk into a bar.
So far she's getting a McChicken.
A waist of time.
He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.
That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Just give it time.
After being unhappy for many years my mother came to me and said she was going to get a sex change operation. I didn't fully understand but I was very supportive throughout the whole operation, then he came home.
That's when it all started, all the time all day long horrible dad jokes, terrible puns and all around just awful humor. After a few weeks and being fed up, I realized something and I confronted them.
"Did you seriously just have a sex change operation just for the dad jokes?!" I asked.
He replied, "Oh you could see right through me, I must be so trans-parent."
Poetry!
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.
One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"
"What do you mean strange?"
"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"
"So?"
"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"
"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
My girlfriend of 5 years asked me when was the last time I had sex with someone before her.
I said "back in '09". It sounds much better than saying September.
The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies ~~I don't think I am"~~ "I think not!" POOF! The horse disappears.
The little boy said, Mom what are you doing?
She said, Son, your daddy's stomach is too big so I sit on top to flatten it out.
He said, Aw momma you're wasting your time because when you're not here the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it back up!
and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her crotch, her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes oral sex will bring her out of the coma.
The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."
...and soon after he notices that Adam is lonely.
God says "Do not fear, my child. For I will create a partner to accompany you and man from this time forth. She will be known, as a woman."
God continues "She will be obedient, loyal, passionate and nurturing."
Adam hesitates..
"What is this gonna cost me?" Adam asks.
God responds "An arm and a leg."
Adam retorts "What can I get for a rib?"
There were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time.
A girl says to her friend "The last time I had sex was like the 100 meter dash"
Her friend says "What, over in 6 seconds?"
"No, with 8 black men and a gun."
I haven't had to buy dog food in a long, long time.
"Haha you can't fool me again, dad. A chair!"
"Not this time. Our dog died."
I replied, "You remember.. You were there.."
I can't wait to see how big my puppy got
Me: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."
Unfortunately I arrived 10 minutes late so I missed the introductions but I must say I had a fantastic time I'd recommend it to everyone.
He runs Facebook.
Every time I walk in her room that's all she's doing.
"Sir, Sir, I finally understand your theory of Special Relativity!"
Einstein rolls his eyes, "It's about time"
I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"
"No," she said,
"Eight black men and a gun."
because it says in the bible, a man who lies with another man shall be stoned
Every time I lay my ear on it I can smell the sea.
This was my grandfathers all time favorite joke.
Pop Pop: What's red and dingle dangles from the ceiling?
Me: I don't know...
Pop Pop: A Red dingle dangle of course!
Pop Pop: What's green and dingle dangles from the ceiling?
Me: A green dingle dangle!
Pop Pop: No they only come in Red.
Me: :|
How many scientists does it take to build a time machine?
I'd be like Yo, what's with all these dimes?
All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
I'm pretty sure this is the joke that will yield me my fortune.
Because you'd make a spectacle of yourself.
After being drafted by the St. Louis Rams, Michael Sam celebrated by kissing his boyfriend. This is historic because it's the first time anyone has celebrated being drafted by the St. Louis Rams. - Conan O'brien
My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!
What makes you say that? the bartender inquired.
Last week, Bill explained, I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she'd run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'
I'd still be broke. Because I am black and can't read.
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