The Best 97 Time Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Time jokes. There are some time home jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these time first time sex puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Time Jokes and Puns
Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.
You see, it used to get cold outside
If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...
Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.
If i had a dime for every time i didn't understand what's going on.
I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time"
I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?
My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.
She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.
I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday
Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?
[Twice removed]
Wife was breastfeeding
Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
Harry Potter has way too many characters...
Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.
You can explore time wife reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean time moment dad jokes. There are also time puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
6:30 is the best time on a clock
hands down
Tide has some serious ad time during the superbowl this year
Must be able to afford it after cornering the teenage snack food market
A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...
The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."
"That's not it."
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
My marriage is over.
I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.
I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.
The first time I had sex, it was in my parent's bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, This is a bit awkward.
I grunted, Just ignore them.
I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.
Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.
I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.
A young artist exhibits his work for the first time...
.. and a well known art critic is in attendance.
The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"
"Yes, " says the artist.
"It's worthless," says the critic
The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."
The new father
A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.
"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."
"Dad you dont mea-"
"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.
"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."
"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."
A man gets pulled over by the police...
A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
A boy paid a girl $10 to climb a flagpole...
She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said "honey, he just wanted to see your underwear." The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said "I will give you $20 to climb the flagpole." Again she agrees and climbs. She goes home and tells her mother "mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn't wear any underwear."
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies ~~I don't think I am"~~ "I think not!" POOF! The horse disappears.
Trumpets and Guns
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.
One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"
"What do you mean strange?"
"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"
"So?"
"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"
"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
Boy scout: Sir, I found a snake, is it poisonous?
Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all
*Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified*
Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time lads
My wife doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have sex. This is all I'm spending for her Christmas present.
So far she's getting a McChicken.
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
How many super saiyans does it take to change a light bulb?
Find out next time, on Dragon Ball Z!
If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist
black people would rob me
How do you turn a 3D printer into a 4D printer?
Just give it time.
My girlfriend of 5 years asked me...
My girlfriend of 5 years asked me when was the last time I had sex with someone before her.
I said "back in '09". It sounds much better than saying September.
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?
A waist of time.
A woman is in the hospital in a coma...
and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her crotch, her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes oral sex will bring her out of the coma.
The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."
A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom
The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."
The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"
So God creates Adam...
...and soon after he notices that Adam is lonely.
God says "Do not fear, my child. For I will create a partner to accompany you and man from this time forth. She will be known, as a woman."
God continues "She will be obedient, loyal, passionate and nurturing."
Adam hesitates..
"What is this gonna cost me?" Adam asks.
God responds "An arm and a leg."
Adam retorts "What can I get for a rib?"
In my spare time I help blind children.
I mean the verb, not the adjective.
Cheer up Hilary!
At least you won't have to work at the same desk that Monica spent so much time under.
A blonde goes to the dry cleaners.
She tells the attendant that she needs to have her dress cleaned.
However, the attendant wasn't paying attention. Snapping out of his day dream, he asked, "Come again?"
Giggling, the blonde replied, "No, just mustard this time."
I thought of having a threesome
But then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents
My girlfriends parents are very religious.
The first time I was at their house her father said we weren't allowed to sleep together. It was a bit of a shame, he was very attractive.
People compare Trump and hitler all the time, but there is one major difference.
Hitler was good at making speeches
A girl walks into a dry cleaner
She drops off her dress and turns to leave. The owner says, "Come again!". She says, "No it was toothpaste this time."
My priest is surprisingly homophobic...
...for a man who spends his nights on his knees, begging for another man to come for a second time.
TIL humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
With the rise of self-driving vehicles...
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too
4th of July,
The only time of the year Americans say the day and month in the correct order.
Why is Japan the healthiest country in the world?
Because last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died
I keep getting hit by the same bike, at the same time and place, day after day...
It's a vicious cycle.
Edgar Allen Poe is about to walk into a tree and you only have enough time to say one word before he hits it. What should you say to him?
Poetry!
The bartender said we don't serve time travellers.
Two men walk into a bar.
My girlfriend and I broke up today
Her: "I just need time."
Me: "Okay. Yeah, I understand."
Her: "And distance, as well."
Me: "Fine. But can I ask you one last question?"
Her: "Go ahead."
Me: "What are you calculating the velocity of, anyway?"
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is all the time?
A widow.
My wife asked me why I carry around a gun in the house.
And I answered, because of the decepticons!
She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed, I shot Alexa.
It was a good time.
-
-
Made love to my wife for an hour and four minutes tonight
Thanks, Daylight Savings Time!
The misuse of users' Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress.
He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.
A little boy caught his mom riding his dad.
The little boy said, Mom what are you doing?
She said, Son, your daddy's stomach is too big so I sit on top to flatten it out.
He said, Aw momma you're wasting your time because when you're not here the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it back up!
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis
Would it even matter?
My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant...
...I can't pull anything out in time!
Why do only 2 Mexicans cross the border at a time?
Because the sign says no trespassing.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, Can you tell me what happened before The Big Bang?
The professor replied, Sorry. No Time.
Every time I ask someone what the acronym LGBTQ stands for...
I can never get a straight answer.
What do you call a masturbating Vegan?
A WeedWhacker (sorry if it's awful first time on this sub)
As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I've learnt...
1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.
2.) They LOVE chocolate.
Have you seen the new Exorcist movie?
This time it's the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.
Putin visits Estonia
Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".
"Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".
"Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".ο»Ώ
Mom got a sex change operation
After being unhappy for many years my mother came to me and said she was going to get a sex change operation. I didn't fully understand but I was very supportive throughout the whole operation, then he came home.
That's when it all started, all the time all day long horrible dad jokes, terrible puns and all around just awful humor. After a few weeks and being fed up, I realized something and I confronted them.
"Did you seriously just have a sex change operation just for the dad jokes?!" I asked.
He replied, "Oh you could see right through me, I must be so trans-parent."
Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa
Because tomorrow he turns 81!
A woman tells her doctor, "Kiss me!"
The doctor says, "What? Why would I do something like that?"
The woman says again, "Kiss me now!"
The doctor replies, "Certainly not!"
The woman demands a third time, "Doctor, I want you to kiss me!"
The doctor answers, "No! It's unprofessional, highly unethical, and to be honest we probably shouldn't even be having sex right now!"
America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends.
Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.
A man walks into a bar and sees 2 steaks hanging from the ceiling.
He sits down and orders a beer, and asks the bartender
"what's the deal with the steaks?"
"It's a competition. If you can jump up and slap both steaks at the same time, one with each hand, you win the bar. If you try and fail, though, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the night"
The man sits and thinks it over, and a couple minutes later the bartender asks if he wants to have a go.
"Nah, the steaks are too high"
As a non-American, I love seeing Americans saying Happy 4th of July.
It's the only time Americans pronounce dates correctly.
My horoscope said I was going to get my heart broken in 12 years time
So I bought a puppy to cheer myself up!
A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead: "I'm afraid he died last week," she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you," the wife replies, "he died last week." The day after he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts: "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
"Cos" He replies laughing, "I just love hearing it..."
A woman is preparing a dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.
The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his house, then he rings the bell. His furious wife opens the door. 'Where the hell have you been?' she screams. The husband waves back to the snails, 'Come on, lads!' he shouts 'We're nearly there!'
Everyone knows Alan Turing who cracked Enigma codes.
But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.
A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub
The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren't mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"
The cop, obviously in disbelief, tells the woman, "Show me."
So the woman tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the woman's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"
A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners
The lady says, "Come Again!"
The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."
What is the most expensive video-streaming service at this time?
College
I don't think my girlfriend likes my schizophrenia meds
Because every time I take them she goes away
I haven't had sex since 1956
A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956..." The general looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."
A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak.
So, to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy.
A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's private study
Maid: "I'd like a raise."
Mrs. Smith:"Why do you think you deserve a raise?
Maid:"Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you."
Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"
Maid:"Your husband. Second, I clean better than you."
Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"
Maid:"YourΒ husband.Third, I'm better in bed than you are."
Mrs. Smith:"I suppose my husband said that too?"
Maid:"No, the gardener."
Mrs. Smith:"How much do you want?"
What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?
Banned from of Seaworld
A guy rides his motorcycle through the border from Spain to France every week carrying two bags of sand.
The border guard searched the bags every time, but never found anything, so he had to let him through. The guard has his last day at work before retiring and the guy comes to the border again, carrying his two bags of sand. The guard says "look, man, it's my last day, I'm not going to bust you. You're clearly smuggling *something* across the border all this time but we never find anything, what is it.". The guy says "I'm smuggling motorcycles"
A dad joke my science teacher told me a long time ago:
Why are bacteria so bad at math?
Because they multiply by dividing.
RIP Miss Henn. Miss her lots.
Three men are talking in a Soviet gulag.
One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"
The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."
The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers."
Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?"
"Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West."
my nagging wife died suddenly on a trip in Jeruselum
Funeral director: "Sir, it would cost about $45,000 if we send her home back to the states or $500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem"
Me: "ship her home"
Funeral director: "But sir, why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and you can save money"
Me: "A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead, I can't take that chance"
During a biology exam a student has to list three pros of breast milk.
He's unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:
- Contains all the nutrients a baby needs,
- Doesn't need heating,
But he still needs one more. And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:
- Has great packaging.
A man dies and goes to Heaven...
When he meets Peter, he sees billions of clocks behind him.
"What's the deal with those clocks?" the man asks.
"Each of these clocks is bound to a person on Earth, either dead or alive," Peter replies. "Every time they lie, the pointers shift."
Peter then gives some examples: "This one is Mother Theresa's. It says 00:00, because she never lied. This one is Abraham Lincoln's. He lied twice..." etc.
The man, curious, then asks: "So... where's Mark Rutte's clock?"
"Oh, it's in my office: I use it as my fan!"
I have a joke on time travel.
But I won't post it here. You guys didn't like it.
If you start the Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd and the passion of the Christ at the same time the scenes don't match up at all
It turns out Jesus was more of a nine inch nails guy
Dad -- Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.
Daughter -- What's that got to do with anything?
Dad -- That means it's pasture bed time.
A little boy walked up to the farmer watching over cows in his field.
Boy:wow! Would you look at that bunch of cows!
Farmer: Herd
Boy: Heard of what?
Farmer: Herd of cows
Boy: Of course I've heard of cows
Farmer: No, a cow herd
Boy: what do I care what a cow heard? I got no secrets from a cow.
(No punchline but my dad used to say it every time we passed cows on road trips and it still makes me smile)
What do you call a chicken with no legs?
A speedbump because it isn't crossing the road in time.
My dad handed down to me a hereditary disease that causes diarrhea all the time.
It runs in the jeans.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the time what time is it jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working time what time piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.