time Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious time puns

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

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If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

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If i had a dime for every time i didn't understand what's going on.

I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

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A little girl asks her mother, Mommy, how was I born?

Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied: Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got so high that we fucked without a condom.

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My girlfriend always takes long baths after we finish watching a Ryan gosling movie

I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Ryan Gosling

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As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time"

I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?

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My girlfriend always takes long showers after watching movies starring Chris Pratt

I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Chris Pratt.

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If I had a nickel for every time I didn't know what was going on...

...I'd be like why do I keep getting all these fucking nickels?

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My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.

She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

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I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

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Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?

[Twice removed]

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(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding

Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

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My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him

As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him

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Told my wife I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.

She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.

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I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."



He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

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Harry Potter has way too many characters...

Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.

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6:30 is the best time on a clock

hands down

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Tide has some serious ad time during the superbowl this year

Must be able to afford it after cornering the teenage snack food market

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A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

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"That's not it."

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

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My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.

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The first time I had sex, it was in my parent's bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, This is a bit awkward.


I grunted, Just ignore them.

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A boy was watching TV with his father

When a sex scene came on.
"well son, time for bed" the father says.
"but dad, I'm 15 now!" the son complains.
The father replies "I don't care how old you are son, you're not watching me masturbate"

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I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

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I'll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day!

Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday

Almost on Thursday

Almost on Friday

Almost on Saturday

Almost on Sunday.!

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I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

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A young artist exhibits his work for the first time...

.. and a well known art critic is in attendance.

The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"

"Yes, " says the artist.

"It's worthless," says the critic

The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."

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If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis

Would it even matter?

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With the rise of self-driving vehicles...

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too

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A boy is watching TV with his father when a sex scene comes on.

"Well son, time for bed," the father says. "But dad, I'm 16 now!" the son complains. The father replies, "I don't care how old you are, you're not watching me masturbate."

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Why is Japan the healthiest country in the world?

Because last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died

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A girl walks into a dry cleaner

She drops off her dress and turns to leave. The owner says, "Come again!". She says, "No it was toothpaste this time."

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The first time I had sex, it was in my parent's bedroom and my girlfriend said, This is a bit awkward.

I said, Just ignore them.

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We had an open position with 60 applicants. I said, "I don't have time to review all these resumes. Just hire the one with the biggest tits!"

Larry starts Monday.

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My priest is surprisingly homophobic...

...for a man who spends his nights on his knees, begging for another man to come for a second time.

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What are the most funny Time jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Time? Well, here are the best Time dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Time pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes