You see, it used to get cold outside
Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.
I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied: Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got so high that we fucked without a condom.
I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Ryan Gosling
I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?
I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Chris Pratt.
...I'd be like why do I keep getting all these fucking nickels?
She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.
Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
[Twice removed]
Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.
hands down
Must be able to afford it after cornering the teenage snack food market
The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.
I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.
I grunted, Just ignore them.
When a sex scene came on.
"well son, time for bed" the father says.
"but dad, I'm 15 now!" the son complains.
The father replies "I don't care how old you are son, you're not watching me masturbate"
Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.
Almost on Monday
Almost on Tuesday
Almost on Wednesday
Almost on Thursday
Almost on Friday
Almost on Saturday
Almost on Sunday.!
When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.
.. and a well known art critic is in attendance.
The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"
"Yes, " says the artist.
"It's worthless," says the critic
The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."
Would it even matter?
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too
"Well son, time for bed," the father says. "But dad, I'm 16 now!" the son complains. The father replies, "I don't care how old you are, you're not watching me masturbate."
Because last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died
She drops off her dress and turns to leave. The owner says, "Come again!". She says, "No it was toothpaste this time."
I said, Just ignore them.
Larry starts Monday.
...for a man who spends his nights on his knees, begging for another man to come for a second time.
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