Time Difference Jokes
129 time difference jokes and hilarious time difference puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about time difference that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Time Difference Short Jokes
Short time difference jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The time difference humour may include short time change jokes also.
- What's the difference between a doctor and an engineer? A doctor can only kill one person at a time.
- Really wanted the day off, so I texted my boss... "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?"
I'm not coming in this morning.
(I got some time off now) - What's the difference between Rihanna and Britney Spears? ... Britney asked to be hit one more time..
- Why I dislike this sub: There's not enough cheese and bacon on it. I think I'll go to a different place for lunch next time.
- I used to think that 12 AM and 12 PM were the same thing... I can't believe I ever thought that. Those were different times.
- They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. This is my 56th time posting this joke.
- What's the difference between a Pokemon Go player and a Facebook user?? Pokemon Go players are only wasting their own time ;)
- What's the difference between a smart white guy and someone who tells jokes all the time? Nothing. They're both wisecrackers.
- What's the difference between your washing machine and your wife You don't have to say I love you every time you put a load in the washing machine
- What's the difference between a good meal and a good time? Well, it depends on where you put the cucumber.
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Time Difference One Liners
Which time difference one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with time difference? I can suggest the ones about time zone and time keeping.
- What's the difference? What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
- What's the difference between kobe and time? Time passes.
- I tried to switch from instant coffee to tea... But the time difference is steep.
- What's the difference between IKEA and LEGO? Time it takes to build.
- What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes.
- Whats the difference between a skeleton with a bullet hole in its skull and Putin Time.
- What's the difference between a t**... and a joke? The timing.
Time Difference Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about time difference you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean daytime jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make time difference pranks.
Q: What is a question with a different answer every time you're asked? A: "What time is it?"
Can you write a whole paragraph without the letter A?
I wouldn't recommend it.
Honestly, your sentences willl just sound wrong.
Everyone will notice you're doing something
different. Your writing won't flow smoothly. You'll
use weird words.
It's not worth the effort involved in spending
time online looking up tons of synonyms which
don't feel right, just to produce weird, stilted
prose.
You'd be better off giving up, to be honest.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... kid
A barber was doing his business and a kid walked in his shop.
The barber told his customer:
- See that kid, he's the stupidest kid I've ever know. Here I'll prove it to you.
The barber yells at kid to come to him so his customer can watch.
The barber pulls out a 2 euro coin and a 5 euro bill and asks the kid:
- Hey kid, what do u choose?
The kid takes the 2 euro coin and leaves. The barber:
- See, I told u. He chooses 2 euro coin every time.
The customer walks out and sees the kid around the corner eating ice-cream.
He approaches the kid and asks:
- Do u not know the difference between a 2 euro coin and a 5 euro bill. Which one is more valuable?
The kid replies:
- I know the difference, but the moment I choose the 5 euro bill, the game is over.
Just learned the Catholic Church is okay with one person marrying two different people!
Priests do it all the time
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The park
I was about to make love to my girlfriend. "I've loved you since the first moment I first saw you. I'm so glad you're mine now" I said, s**... her hair.
She started to choke up. "I've never really had s**...," she said. My first time was horrible - I was r**... in a park, aged 16."
"Oh babe," I said, "Hush. Hush. It will be so different now. We don't have to rush and I'll be gentle this time."
There is a one difference between death and taxes...
...at least death doesn't get worse every time congress meets.
The difference between weather and climate.
Weather is the atmospheric conditions in a location at a given time, example, rain in Seattle.
Climate is weather over a period of time in a location, example, rain in Seattle.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men die, and go to the pearly gates...
St. Peter walks up to the firsts, and he says: "You have lived a good life, but you have cheated on your wife many times. Confess here before your friends, and you will be allowed into heaven."
The man says: "I slept with a different woman every week of my ten-year marriage. I beg for forgiveness."
St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a bicycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin.
The second man says:"I was married for five years, and I slept with a different woman as a lover each year. I beg for forgiveness."
St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a motorcycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin.
The third man says: "I was married for a month, and stayed faithful throughout. Then my wife died, so I committed s**... so I may be with her."
St. Peter tells him: "I know. Follow me." He then leads him to a helicopter, and tells him to enjoy the ride. The man soon enough passes the other two men, who see him land a short distance away. They eventually catch up to him, and see he is crying.
The first two men ask him: "Why are you crying? You have no sins to atone for!"
The third says: "I just saw my wife... She was skateboarding."
3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven...
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are talking about you, what would you like them to say?
The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!
Just in time for Christmas.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: Teaching people that it is okay to make people outcasts for being different until that difference benefits someone since 1939.
A man looking for work
A man was looking for work. In fact, he was desperate. He heard the circus was in town and so he went and asked the ring master if there was a job for him. The ring master said, "We're lucky you showed up! Our tiger just died and he was a big part of the show. What we need you to do is put on this tiger costume and pretend to be a real tiger. Nobody will know the difference." So the man put on the tiger costume, and he had to admit, it was a very realistic costume. Soon the show started, and the time came for the tiger act. The man, eager to do a good job, lept out into the ring, snarling just like a real tiger. The crowd cheered. He did all the things the tiger was supposed to do: let the trainer stick his head in his mouth, balanced on a ball, and finally walked across a tightrope. The crowd loved it. But then a lion and a bear entered the ring. The ring master announced, "Now you will see these three ferocious beasts enter one cage together!" The man had no choice as he was herded into the cage with the lion and the bear. The two animals roared and snarled, and the man became afraid for his life. He began running around the cage, shouting, "Let me out! I'm not a real tiger! Help!" Then the lion grabbed him and said, "Shut up! Do you want us all to lose our jobs?"
The difference between a crow and a raven.
A biologist was asked to finally determine whether crows and ravens are really two different birds. This has been a matter of some conjecture for quite some time. Given only a cursory glance, these birds appear to be one and the same. The biologist spent considerable time watching the birds in their habitat and logging hours of observations. Their beaks were the same, their feet and their bodies showed no variable difference. But, at last, a breakthrough. The long feathers at the tip of a birds wings, the pinion feathers, provided the conclusion that ravens and crows differ. A raven has four pinion feathers and a crow has five pinion feathers. So........................... The difference between ravens and crows is a matter of a pinion.
What's the difference between white time and black time (Warning. Dad joke)
The size of their clock.
A 90 year old woman is getting married for the fourth time.
A news crew is there to document the story. The reporter asks the woman about her odd marital past. "Let me get this right," he says. "Your first husband was a banker. Your second husband was a clown. Your third husband was a doctor, and you're about to marry a mortician. Why the menagerie of different men?" She smirked and said "It was one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go."
Looking for a joke about religious divisions...
I heard a joke a long time ago about two people who were in the same religion. and they go through the sub-parts of the religion- they're both christians, protestants, lutherans, same synod, etc... but when they get to the smallest possible division - they are in different ones and they get into a big fight, yelling at each other about being apostates. Anyone know how it goes?
What's the difference between your sister and a washing machine?
A washing machine only takes one load at a time.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My boyfriend (of an 11 year age difference) said this to me the other day...
True story: My boyfriend and I were taking a walk and he happened to be wearing his reading glasses (which I find adorable).
Me: Ooh, you look like a s**... teacher in those glasses. I think I need to stay after school...
Him: Yes, I'll show you how many times 38 goes into 27.
Confession
A man walks into a confessional and sits down,
"Father, last night I was with 3 different women at the same time."
"That's horrible," says the priest. "Are you married? Does your wife know about this adultery?"
"Married? No. Actually, I'm not even Catholic, I just had to tell someone!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"What time do I get off?" has an entirely different meaning when you work in the s**... industry.
time zones are amazing, it's a different time all around the world! for example, in some parts of the U.S, it's still 1950
What's the difference between a rhinoceros and a mattababy? [Works every time]
What's a mattababy?
Nothing what's a matta with you
A father says to his blonde, teenage daughter one day "honey I thought I asked you to wash the car like 10 times today"...
She replies "I swear I was going to, but I called a hundred different places and nobody has this Elbow Grease that you told me to use !!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Jew is stuck in a well.
A Jew is stuck in a well. Three men pass by at different times and notice this.
The first one, a Christian, says, "Hey! Give me your hand!". The Jew refuses, and the perplexed Christian man leaves.
The second one, a Hindu, says, "You seem to be in trouble! Give me your hand!". The Jew refuses again, and the Hindu man is annoyed and confused, so he leaves without another word.
Then, a Muslim man arrives and says, "Take my hand!", and the Jew accepts.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Many times when I am troubled or confused...
Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a v**... Martini along with a quiet conversation with Jesus.
This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day. I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"
And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."
I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."
And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad".
I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"
He replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Señor, but for now, I have to finish your lawn."
A farmer was having trouble telling his horses apart.
"I have two horses that I can't tell apart," he tells his friend. "Is there any way you can help me?"
"Shave the mane off one horse," his friend said. "Then you'll know the difference between them."
The farmer did as he was told, but after some time the mane grew back and he couldn't tell the difference anymore.
"This time, give one of them a small cut on its leg," said his friend. "Then you can tell it apart from the other."
The farmer did this again, but the other horse ran into a thorn bush and got a similar cut on its leg.
"Measure their height," said his friend. "One of them must definitely be a bit taller than the other."
The farmer tried it out, and it worked. Ecstatic, he ran back to his friend's house.
"It worked!" he yelled. "The black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
4 college students are having a great time on spring break.
So they decide to spend an extra week away from class. One of the students calls his professor, and says "prof, we are stuck in Daytona beach. We won't be able to make it back in time for exams because the tire on our car blew. We need to get it fixed before we head back".
The prof says "no problem. Your safety comes first. Do what you need to, and when you get back the four of you can write the exam at that point".
So the students live it up for another week. Drinking. Partying. Etcetera.
When they get back to school a week later, the prof welcomes them, sits them each in different rooms, and hands them the exam.
When they turn the page over to start writing, they find their exams have only one question: "which tire?"
Why did the philanthropist learn how to subtract?
Because he wanted to make a difference.
My first original, time for open mic!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The first time I introduced a girlfriend to my grandpa.
"What's your name again?"
"Claudia."
"Oh *Claudia*. I'm sorry my dear, I won't forget it again. Claudia may I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"Do you know the difference between s**... and breakfast?"
"...Um, no.?"
"Would you like to have breakfast sometime?"
What is the difference between english and russian fairy tales?
English fairy tales start with "Once upon a time.."
Russian fairy tales start with soon comrades, soon..
A man walked into McDonald's and saw a black woman with 8 children running all around her.
"Mike, stop that!" she shouted at one.
"Mike, stop bothering your brother," she yelled at another.
"Mike, how many times do I have to tell you not to pick your nose," she chided yet another.
"I'm sorry ma'am," the man said, "but... are all your boys named Mike?"
"Yes sir," she replied.
"Isn't that confusing?" he asked.
"No, they all have different last names."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between an American and a Briton?
Britons think 200 miles is a long distance, and American's think 200 years is a long time.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a peeping tom and a r**...?
A r**... doesn't waste time beating around the bush
A bull was deployed for servicing the cows on a farm
A bull was deployed for servicing the cows on a farm.
Lady asks the farm manager: "How many times can this bull perform?"
Manager replies: "5 to 6 times in a day".
Lady looks at her husband: "You see?"
Husband asks the manager: "Is it the same cow every time?"
Manager: "No sir it's a different cow every time."
Man looks back to wife: "You see!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between Russian football fans and an old drunkard in a bar at closing time?
k**... the old drunkard out won't start world war III.
What's the difference between feminists and guns?
Guns only have one trigger.
At the time I was writing this, my mom and sister were in the middle of a death battle yelling match, help.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between jokes and d**...?
Your mother can't take 3 jokes at the same time.
What is the difference between a corrupt cop and a disposable camera?
A disposable camera doesn't have to reload 3 times to take 30 shots.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him.
He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man Just stared.
Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had s**... with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Selling Condoms
An 18-yr-old starts work as a pharmacist's assistant. The pharmacist is showing the new kid around the aisles when they stop at the c**... display and the kid asks why they come in different quantities per package.
The pharmacist tells the noob that the 3-packs are for high school guy, who gets it on once on Friday night, once on Saturday and once on Sunday.
The 6-packs are for the more-experienced college guys, who do it twice each on Friday night, Saturday and Sunday.
So the kid says, "what about these 12-packs?"
The pharmacist replies "the 12-packs are for the guys who've been married for a long time - January, February, March..."
Wife: He makes puns all the time
Therapist: You should punish him
Husband: But every punishment to be different
Trump calls Angela Merkel's office...
Trump calls Angela Merkel's office. Secretary answers.
Trump: What's the time difference between Washington and Berlin ?
Secretary: Just a second, Mr. President…
Trump: Thanks
Q: What is the difference between an ISIS boot camp and a local school?
A: How should I know? I just fly the drones.
A lot of you probably heard this before. I heard it for the first time and felt like sharing
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
People compare Trump and h**... all the time, but there is one major difference.
h**... was good at making speeches
What the difference between carbon and my ex?
She could form more than 4 bonds at the same time.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The difference between men and women...
...is that after being in a relationship for six months a woman wonders if it's time to say 'I love you' and a man wonders if it time to f**... in bed.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Next time someone compares Trump to Mussolini, remind them of the biggest difference.
Mussolini was well hung.
What's the time difference..?
A blonde called a telephone operator.
Blonde: Could you tell me the time difference between Singapore and London?
Operator: Just a minute…
Blonde : Thank you *puts down the phone*
Trump, wishing to visit New Zealand calls Bill English
Mr. English's secretary answers the phone. "Hello! This is the office of Bill English."
Trump says "Hello. This is President Donald Trump of the United States of America. I wish to know the time difference between New Zealand and Washington."
The secratary responds "Just a second, Mr. President."
Trump promptly hangs up.
How to use and 5 times in a row grammatically
A man owned a store called This And That and hired another man to make a sign for it.
When it was finished the owner inspected the work.
He discovered that the spaces were wrong so he said, The space between This and And and And and That is different. Please fix it
When I'm bored I love seeing how many different watches I can strap onto my wrists.
I have too much time on my hands.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Most of the time you hear about a disgruntled employee it's because they ended some lives...
It's a different story at the t**... factory however...
What's the difference between an honest politician and a flying pig?
There actually was a time when swine flu.
Working the overnight shift is so tedious and boring
Every time I go in it's the same shift, different day.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You see?
A husband and wife visited a farm. They saw a bull having s**... with a cow. The wife asked the farm manager.
Wife: "How many times does a bull have s**... per day?"
Manager: "4 times a day."
The wife looked at her husband and said ".... you see!"
Then the husband asked the manager.
Husband: "U mean 4 times a day with the same cow?"
Manager: "No, no, with different cows everyday."
Husband looked to his wife and said: " ....you see!"
What's the difference between someone wearing a wristwatch, and the US Soccer team?
Nothing. They both have time on their hands.
My dentist said that my gag reflex was much more sensitive than my wife's.
I didn't think anything of it at the time. Later, I realized it was super weird, because we go to different dentists.
what's the difference between a unicorn and a girlfriend?
i am 8 times more likely to find a unicorn
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between math and m**...?
I do one at parties when I want to have a good time...
And the other is m**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife walked in on me m**......
I tried to hide what I was doing and quickly changed the TV channel but it switched to a programme about disfigured babies. She saw what I was doing and saw what was on TV, so now she thinks I get turned on by disfigured babies. I mean, how unlucky is that? The same programme being on at the same time on two different channels!
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know, and I don't care.
Happy Friday all. Pretty sure it's time for a beer.
Whats the difference between stormtroopers haveing a party and mushrooms being picked?
One's bad guys having a fun time the other ones fungi having a bad time!
What do you call a snake which is in a different time period than it should be?
An anachronda.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a drummer and a toilet seat?
A toilet seat only has to put up with one a**... at a time.
I've written a script for a film about an action hero who works in accounts.
The sequels going to be set in a different department.
This time it's personnel.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a stripper and a h**...?
Time, brother...just give it some time.
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said: "TWO PROSTITUTES $50.00."
A policeman stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?" "Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion." The two ladies frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day the cop noticed the same two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. This time the sign read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER $50.00.
What's the difference between this sub and fencing?
In fencing people don't carry on and yell every time there's a riposte.
What's the difference between a jail and Facebook?
Basically none.
You sit, waste your time and write on the wall.
Reminiscing on our anniversary
My wife and I just had our 10th anniversary. We had some friends over to celebrate with and they asked us to talk about how we met. On our first 8 dates we just went out to different restaurants, but the next time we got tickets to see the premiere of The Dark Knight.
So I guess we could summarize our dating history as dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN!
Why are there so many different types of pasta?
If I had a penne for every time I asked myself that
What's the difference between fruit flies and time?
Fruit flies like bananas, but time flies like the wind.
Doing drugs
The difference between being old and being young is what time of day we're waiting for our drugs to kick in.
I can't stand it when my friend plays Skyrim.
Personally I play a lawful good approach, trying to stay out of trouble, but when I invite Jacob Yu over he goes full-on thief! Always breaking into homes, stealing things, getting fined and thrown in jail. I ask him on occasion if he'd prefer a different playstyle, but he simply prefers this one. So every time he comes over, I know...
It's a fine day with Yu around.
What's the difference between an archaeologist and a grave robber?
The robber does the crime, then does the time. The archaeologist does the time, then the crime.