Time Change Jokes
110 time change jokes and hilarious time change puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about time change that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Time Change Short Jokes
Short time change jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The time change humour may include short time difference jokes also.
- How many super saiyans does it take to change a light bulb? Find out next time, on dragon Ball Z!
- How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb? The lightbulb just burned out; this is not the time to discuss it.
- I love how Pit Bull announces himself at the beginning of every song giving us time to change the song.
- I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, "Well, this changes everything"
- I love the way pitbull says "Mr.World Wide" at the start of a song. Because it gives me time to change the station.
- ATTENTION: This afternoon I will attempt to travel back in time and change history. You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses world war II and Wednesday comes after Tuesday.
- What's the smallest unit of time in the known universe? The interval between the traffic light changing to green and the taxi driver behind you honking his horn.
- Biden has won so many times in Michigan now he's legally required to change his name to Ohio State.
- If I had a Dollar, If I had a dollar for every time a homeless person asked for change, I would still pretend to have not heard them.
- How many long-time fans does it take to change a lightbulb? Two, one to change it and one to complain that the old one was better.
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Time Change One Liners
Which time change one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with time change? I can suggest the ones about clocks changing and time keeping.
- You know the times have changed... When Portugal leaves Brazil without taking any Gold.
- One How many time travellers does it take to change a light bulb?
- I wasted my time on a vasectomy. All it does is change the color of the baby.
- It's funny how you change over time... When I was young I hated spankings
- My brother used to throw pennies at me all the time And that's why I'm afraid of change
- I had to change the battery in my clock. It was about time.
- If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change I'd still say no.
- I'm thinking of changing hairstyles. I'd better take some time to mullet over first.
- Why do traffic lights never go swimming? Because they spend too much time changing.
- I propose a change to California's flag This time it will be a bear but with no arms!
- The first time I sang in the church choir... Two hundred people changed their religion.
- North Korea changes its time zone to match South Korea Pyong-GOOOOOOOONNNNGGGG
- It's easier to remember your age if you don't change it every year.
- Sometimes I don't have the time to wear my spooky bling. My scare jewels always changing.
- Confucious say ... if man not feeling the love like he used to ... time to change hands
Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Time Change Jokes and Friends
What funny jokes about time change you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean time zone jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make time change pranks.
Half full, Half empty.
Now you might think that the glass is half full, and you might think that the glass is half empty, but engineers know that the glass is actually two times larger than it needs to be.
Politicians, on the other hand, have assured me that the glass would be more empty if the opposition were in charge,
While surrealists think that the glass is half of a slowly rotting lemon.
Physicists happen to know that you can never know how much water is in the glass because just by measuring it you've changed the outcome.
Neutralists decline to comment.
Old Man Keeps the Engine Running
A rich 65 year old white man get's himself a gorgeous 23 year old woman. The couple was happy and were planning to start a family.
After a few months as a married couple, the old man gets his wife pregnant. While at the hospital getting ready to deliver the baby:
* **Nurse**: Wow sir, its amazing how you still managed to get you wife pregnant at your age, whats your seceret?
* **Old Man**: Oh you know, you have to keep the engine running.
* **Nurse**: Wow, that is amazing.
After the delivering their baby, 5 years later the Old man gets his wife pregnant again. While at the hospital delivering the baby the same nurse asks:
* **Nurse**: Sir, you did it again, this is amazing, what is your secret?
* **Old Man**: Same as last time, you just have to keep the engine running.
* **Nurse**: Wow, sir. You are a trooper.
The couple had 2 beautiful children and were happy, but 5 years later the man got his wife pregnant yet again. While at the hospital delivering the baby the same nurse asks:
* **Nurse**: "Sir this is truly incredible, you are 75 years old and you got your wife pregnant again, what is your secret?"
* **Old Man**: "Like I told you before! you have to keep the engine running!"
* **Nurse**: "Well sir, it may be time for you to change the oil because this one came out black."
What are your best "If I had ____ for every time..." jokes?
Two of my favorites are:
1. "If I had a dollar for every existentialist moment I've ever had...Does money even matter?" - Can't remember the comedian.
2. "If I had a quarter every time a hobo asked me for spare change, I'd still say no" - Bo Burnham
First Time
A man is in an operating room for a hernia operation. The anesthesiologist starts counting him down from 10. He gets to 9, and the surgeon turns to the anesthesiologist and says, "Well, wish me luck, this is my first s**... change operation!"
Hours later, the man awakes in recovery with a complete panic, but he doesn't remember why. The surgeon comes in and explains it to him.
True story...LOL!
The guys go to the f**... of their life-long pal...
After a long eulogy and some beautiful music, the guys are overcome with emotion. The first guy walks up to the casket of his buddy.
"I know it's just a small token, but for everything you've ever done for me, buddy, all the times you helped me out. This is the least I could do."
He tucks a $50 bill into his buddy's tuxedo pocket, and he staggers away sobbing.
The second man, inspired by the gesture, walks up and places his own $50 bill in his buddy's pocket. "For all the beers you bought me, that I never had a chance to pay you back for." And he staggers away sobbing.
The third man, a lawyer, not to be out-done, says, "I know it's just a small gesture, but for all the times you've been there for me when I needed you, here's a token of my gratitude."
And he writes a check for $150, and takes the two fifties in change.
A man is walking on a sidewalk past...
An insane asylum. He hears voices on the inside chanting "thirteen,thirteen, thirteen".
He is curious why they are chanting that. He looks around and finds a hole that allows himself to look inside the fence. As he puts his eye on the hole a stick jabs him in the eye. And the chant changes to "fourteen, fourteen, fourteen".
My dad tells this joke all the time.
Fella rescued a damsel in distress.
Fella was heading home when he saw a lady beside the road with a flat tire. Being kind hearted, Fella stopped to change the tire for her. Lady was so thankful she invited Fella back to her place for a thank you drink. One thing lead to another and soon they were in the sack together. He realized the time and jumped up with a start. Running around getting his clothes on, he said, "What am I going to tell my wife?" "Wait, do you have any baby powder" he asked. "Certainly" she replied. He dusted his hands with the powder and headed home.
Walking in the door, he was greeted by his wife demanding to know where he had been. So he told her the truth, how he had stopped to change a woman's tire then wound up spending the afternoon in bed with her.
His wife looked at him for a moment, then grabbed his hands looking at them. She screamed at him, "You s**..., you spent the day playing pool again, didn't you?"
The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit are discussing where to holiday...
The Holy Spirit, predictably, suggests Las Vegas, but God says he feels like a change this year.
God suggests Jerusalem, but Jesus vetoes - not after last time...
Jesus suggests The Vatican City. "Sounds good to me." says God. " Yeah I'd like that," says the Holy Spirit, "I've never been."
A man orders a coffee
A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks "Can I help you sir?".
The man answers "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?".
The bartender says "That would be $2.60".
"Alright, I'll have one." says the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he throws them on the ground.
The bartender doesn't want to get involved in a fight so he just picks up the money and he brings the man his coffee.
A week later, the same man enters the bar. He orders a coffee again but this time he pays with a five dollar bill.
The bartender smelled an opportunity for revenge and when he brings the coffee, he throws 48 nickels on the ground as change. The client throws 2 extra dimes on the floor and orders a second coffee.
How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Look, we can change the lightbulb. That I will tell you. We're changing it, ok? And I understand what you're saying, I hear it all the time. People call me and say "Is the lightbulb really dead?". Thats what they are asking me, its unbelievable. The lightbulb is in big trouble, that I can tell you. But we are going to change it.
If I had a quarter for every time a homeless person asked me for change
I still wouldn't give him any
For a change of pace, here's a limerick; "( (12 + 144 + 20 + 3 Sqrt[4]) / 7 ) + 5*11 = 9^2 + 0"
Sorry, did that not make any sense?
How about -
>"A dozen, a g**..., and a score,
>
>plus three times the square root of four,
>
>divided by seven,
>
>plus five times eleven,
>
>is nine squared and not a bit more."
Putin and Medvedeev talking
- We need to change these time zones, they are giving me a big headache, says Putin
-Why? asks Medvedeev
-I'm calling Beijing to give my congrats for their national holiday and they tell me it's tomorrow. I call Warsaw to express my condolences for the airplane c**... in Smolensk and they tell me the plane didn't take off yet!
I was having a hard time remembering my PIN on my debit card....
So I changed it to 0911. That way I never forget.
I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.
"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"
"To buy groceries," I told him.
"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just *one dollar*, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles of milk, a can of coffee and a box of tea."
He shrugged and paused.
"Times have changed and ya can't do that now," he told me. "Too many f**...' security cameras."
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it's expensive and takes a really long time.
My mate Dave has changed a lot since his time in prison
For a start he's not half as tight as he used to be.
I am going to change my name to time being.
Because everyone is always doing stuff for the time being.
Hertz donut.
Did you hear about the Panda at the Philadelphia Zoo who had his meal time changed?
He was bamboo-zled.
Two Puns
Man, I was going to eat a clock, but then I thought, that's to time consuming.
Man, I was ganna get a brain transplant, but I changed my mind.
You guys might aswell call me re"pun"sul. I'm way to punny.
(Sorry if I make you cringe)
The Justice League has a vacancy and the number 7 is interviewing to fill a superhero position...
Batman: Thank you for coming, 7. Its been rough since the Flash took off and we're having a hard time finding someone to replace him. Let's get right to it. What is your first power?
Number 7: Well, for my whole life I've been in prime condition and I don't anticipate that changing anytime soon.
Bathman: That's great to hear. What do you consider your second power to be?
Number 7: 49
An old engineering professor ...
An old engineering professor was welcoming the incoming class of freshman. "I've been teaching here for over 50 years and have seen some dramatic change over that time. When I started, less than 5% of the class was female, and they all looked like they were kicked in the face by a horse.
"Today, more than half of you are female, but by God, we still have the same horse."
Just one, but be careful, or this could get weird
How many time travelers does it take to change a light bulb?
Time change
I was sitting on the edge of my chair last night with a can of black paint and my pants and u**... around my ankles. My wife walked into the room and screamed, "NO! You fool, I said to be sure you turn your clock back."
My good deed for the day.
This morning at the Tesco check out I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to £56.83 but when she counted out all her change she only had just under £50. I thought she was probably someone's Nan and I'd like to think someone would have helped my Nan out in that situation. She didn't want me to help her but I insisted and in no time at all, we had all her shopping back on the shelves...
My wife walked in on me m**......
I tried to hide what I was doing and quickly changed the TV channel but it switched to a programme about disfigured babies. She saw what I was doing and saw what was on TV, so now she thinks I get turned on by disfigured babies. I mean, how unlucky is that? The same programme being on at the same time on two different channels!
Words to live by from a great man
"Change cannot be given to you every time. Sometimes you must bring the change"
Who is this great man? He operates the bus route I use to get to work on the daily.
I did my good deed for the day
I was at the Walmart check-out and was behind an old lady in the queue.
Her bill came to $51.60 but when she counted out her change she only had just under $50.
She didn't want me to help her, bless her poor little soul, but I insisted, and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves.
"I want three children," said my wife.
"I think I'd prefer to have two," I replied. "But that might change over time."
And it certainly has. Now that we've got two I would prefer we had none.
After reading a recent study that found that the negative effects of alcohol greatly outweigh the benefits, I've decided it's time for a change in my life.
I've decided to give up recent studies.
Today my son was sent home from school for receiving a hand-job from a girl in his class for the third time this year. Each time this has happened he has been given a stern talking to from the principal and had to change schools.
Tired of constantly moving around, I said to him "Son if this keeps happening
they are going to ban you from teaching altogether."
An eighty year old man is in the hospital waiting room about to be a first time father.
The nurse comes out of the opperating room as say "Good news sir your wife just gave birth to twins. You have two healthy baby boys. "
The old man stands up excitedly takes off his hat and says to the nurse "It just goes to show you even if you have snow on the roof you can still have a fire in the furnace!"
The nurse replied: "Well you better change your filter because the babies are black"
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
I don't know, but times up, we can discuss it at your next session.
Your momma is so fat..
That she really needs to make an immediate lifestyle change. Heart disease is the number one killer in America. There is no better time than now to make a change before it's too late.
Mom got a s**... change operation
After being unhappy for many years my mother came to me and said she was going to get a s**... change operation. I didn't fully understand but I was very supportive throughout the whole operation, then he came home.
That's when it all started, all the time all day long horrible dad jokes, terrible puns and all around just awful humor. After a few weeks and being fed up, I realized something and I confronted them.
"Did you seriously just have a s**... change operation just for the dad jokes?!" I asked.
He replied, "Oh you could see right through me, I must be so trans-parent."
Husband proudly announces to his wife:
- Honey, I decided that it is time for me to drastically change my life position!
Wife, who knows him better than anyone, sarcastically asks:
-Are you sure sitting on the TV and watching the sofa is a good idea?
Today marks 5 weeks of isolation...
I'm walking 2 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour. Eating fresh vegetables and home cooked meals every day. The change has been fantastic! I feel great!
Zero alcohol, a healthy diet, gluten free, caffeine free, sugar free and a 1 hour home workout each day! Lost 20 lbs and gained muscle mass. I've even cut my screen time in half and am reading a book a week.
I have no idea who wrote this, but I am really proud of them so I decided to copy and paste.
For the first time in my life, I allowed someone else to change my tire.
Now I know what it's like to be a woman!
So all the animals gathered and having a party,
Everybody is drinking and talking and having a good time,
suddenly a chameleon get to the middle of the room, say "check this out" and start changing color of his skin for a minute straight.
Once he done he say "Lets see any of you do the same".
Suddenly octopus appear from the crowd and says:
hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer.
I heard someone say that change does not come from a place of comfort
But I find pennies and nickels in my couch all the time so I don't know what they mean
I hadn't seen my grandma for a long time, she looked so different from the last time I'd seen her. She told me that she had become a vegan for a few months now.
She had changed so much since she became a vegan. It was like I'd never seen herbivore.
In light of the rising number of r**... cases, the police is advising women to carry a Tide pod in their purses at all times.
It's supposed to deter gents.
>!Had to change up the premise a bit, since in my language detergente - > deter gente, literally "to detain/arrest people". Glad it works out almost the same!<
Tom was not home at his usual hour and his wife was fuming.
Finally around 3am she heard a noise at the front door and, as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.
Do you realise what time it is?!? she stammered.
He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house.
Immediately her attitude changed, and running down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked What did you buy for the house, dear?"
Tom answered A round of drinks!"
An elephant is standing on a street corner with an e**....
His thing is HUGE, hangs all the way to the ground.
At that moment a mother is taking her son to school and the son looks at the elephant and says "Mommy what is that?"
Mom: "Oh that's the trunk honey"
Kid: "No mom, further back between the legs"
Mom: "Oh that? That's nothing...." and awkwardly changes the subject.
The next day, same elephant in the same condition is on the corner only this time the dad is taking the kid to school.
Kid: "Hey dad, what is that? It's not the the trunk and it's not the legs, it's in between the legs. Mommy says that's nothing."
The dad thinks for a second and then laughs, "Yeah well, mommy is spoiled."
Times sure have changed. Back in my day...
It was a crime to walk into a bank, wearing a mask, and ask for money.
What does a p**... and a laundromat have in common?
If you run out of time you will need more change to finish your load.
Change for a $15 bill
An incompentent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills.
He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people aren't too bright and change his phoney money for real cash.
He travels to a small town and walks into a small Mom and Pop grocery store. He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, "Do you have change for a $15 bill?"
The old man replies, "I sure do...How would you like that? An eight and a seven or two sixes and a three?"
How many IT support guys does it take to change the light bulb?
Zero. They just switch it off and on a few times and it works like new
Two long time friends meet at the gym.
After they finish working out they go into the locker room to shower and change clothes. o**... looks over and sees his friend putting on a thong and he says since when do you wear women's underwear? The other guy says since my wife found them in the glove compartment.
A man walks into a bar. Looking visibly distraught, he orders his drink.
A man walks into a bar. Looking visibly distraught, he orders his drink. "Having a bad day?", the barkeep asks. "I guess you could say so. I just accidently time travelled back into the 20th century." "Really? What did you change?" "Oh heavens, nothing! I just went straight back to the present. Do you know how dangerous time travel is? Who knows what I might have changed if I hadn't been so careful. I might have caused a second world war."
A gynecologist decides it's time to hung up his speculum.
A gynecologist who had lost interest in his medical practice decided to change careers and enrolled in auto mechanic school.
He performed well in the course but was still shocked when he got an off-the-chart 200 on his final exam. He asked the instructor to explain the grade.
"I gave you 50 points for taking the engine apart correctly," the teacher said, "50 points for putting it back together correctly -- and an extra 100 points for doing it all through the muffler."
Why can't we study the change of velociraptors over time?
Because then it would be an acceloraptor
I just got back from a shift at Tesco's..
And while I was working a nice old lady came to my til. I scanned through all her items and it came to £56.83, but after counting up all her change she had just shy of £40.
So I offered to help her, to which she refused but I eagerly insisted. I thought this is probably someone's Nan, and I'd like to think someone would help my Nan in the same situation.
So after no time at all, we had all her shopping back on the shelves!
I remember the time my cousin completely lost it and threw a giant fit at her 12th birthday party. After she changed her outfit she was fine...
It was a post dramatic dress
"Well, here is your problem," the doctor says to the first-time father. "It seems that this child needs a diaper change."
The new father replies, "That can't be! The package said it was good for 8-10 pounds."
If you work really hard one day things are going to change
Youll finally be recognized for doing twice the work in half the time and now everyone has half the time to do twice the work
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one but it takes a long time and the light bulb has to really want to change.
After a night out on the town, a Jewish couple is taking a cab home.
When they arrive, the cabbie says, "That'll be $46, please."
The husband gives him a $50 bill and waits.
"I'm sorry, but I don't have change to give you." says the cabbie.
The husband says, "No worries, you can take us for a spin around the block a couple of times."
The nun's old outfit
A nun noticed that the outfit she had worn for twenty years was faded, so she got some plants and chemicals and tried to change the color, but no matter how many times she tried, the color stayed the same.
Old habits dye hard.
After some pressure from his family a man who is hard of hearing visits his doctor.
After a lengthy examination, the doctor identifies the problem and prescribes the solution. He takes it and the doctor tells him to come back in a week to check that everything is A-OK.
A week later he revisits. The doc announces, "You're hearing is perfect. Your family must be delighted."
He replies. "Oh, I haven't told them yet, I just sit around the house listening to them. So far I've changed my will three times."
On the Sherrifs Wife's Death Bed
On her death bed, the Sheriff's wife confesses that she cheated on him three times, but swears it was always for a good reason. He asks what happened, and she says, "Well, the first time, remember when Dr. Smith said he we couldn't afford the operation, and then he changed his mind and did it for free?" He says yes, and forgives her. "And the second time, do you remember when our boy got a DUI, and the judge let him off with probation?" He says yes, and forgives her. "And last, do you remember when the polls had you about a hundred votes shy of winning the election for Sheriff?"
An old war general is at a banquet by himself
A young woman says to her friend
"He looks lonely, I wonder how long it has been since he has been with a woman"
She walks over to him and says "excuse me when was the last time you had s**..."
He replies 1955. She replies i will change that for you. They have s**... and she is amazed how good he is. After s**... she says "I can't believe how good you are after all this time." He looks at his watch and says "its only 2230."
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote.
I thought to myself, this changes everything!
