tim vine Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious tim vine puns

Today I had dinner with my boss and his wife

It was a complete disaster. The wife asked me "how many potatoes would you like?" and I said "I'll just have one". She said "it's alright, you dont have to be polite", and I said "alright then, I'll just have one you stupid cow".

^^^thanks ^^^to ^^^Tim ^^^Vine

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Top 10 Jokes from The Edinburgh Fringe

1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."

2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "

3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."

4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."

5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don't know Y."

6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."
7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."

8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"

9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad."

10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."

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I went on one of those once in a lifetime holidays last week...

I won't be doing that again.

joke by Tim Vine

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Round-up of the top ten one-liner jokes at this year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival. The first one will only be understood by Britons, but there are good ones after that.

1. Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."

2. Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."

3. Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."

4. Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."

5. Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."

6. Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men."

7. Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."

8. Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter."

9. Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."

10. Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."

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Some of the top jokes from this years Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

*I've decided to sell my hoover... well, it was just collecting dust. -Tim Vine


*I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set. -Masai Graham


*Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief. -Mark watson


*I Wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me. -Ria Lina

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I asked my gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits.

He said 'how flexible are you?'

I said 'I can't make Wednesdays.'




(Thanks, Tim Vine)

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Some Tim Vine jokes...

"I tell you what makes my blood boil..... Crematoriums."

"People with guns who say give me your money... you gotta hand it to them."

"So I went to my local department store and said I cant decide whether to buy this bed or not. He said do you want to sleep on it? I said of course I do."

"I refuse to work in the subway. Its beneath me."

"I met this girl called Ena. Everytime I see her I say Hi Ena and she laughs her head off."

"I cant remember my homing pigeon's name but am sure it will come back to me."

"Did you know the best selling DVD this year is Poltergeist? Its flying off the shelves."

"So i was reading this book about the history of glue.... I couldn't put it down."

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Top 10 Jokes from 2013 Edinburgh festival - thought you guys would appreciate these.

Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."

Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."

Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."

Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."

Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."

Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men."

Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."

Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter."

Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."

Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."

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My girlfriend said to me "as a young boy, was your mother very strict with you" and I said "let's make one thing absolutely clear..."

"My mother was never a young boy."

Tim Vine

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So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley

She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

- Tim Vine, King of the one liners.

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Crime in lifts. Its wrong on so many levels

-Tim vine

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At home, I have a small bird carved out of oak.

Be good if I had a punchline, wooden Tit?

(Stolen from Tim Vine)

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So I said to this bloke "I'm gonna open a shop in Saudi Arabia"

He said "*Dubai?*", and I said, "*yep, and sell*".

-*Tim Vine*

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I saw a street performer playing Dancing Queen on a Didgeridoo yesterday...

And I thought, that's ABBAriginal.

(Credit to Tim Vine)

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A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train.

When it happened, he was chuffed to bits! (Tim Vine)

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I threw out my old vacuum cleaner today...

It was just gathering dust.

(Courtesy of Tim Vine)

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A man asked me for a lift the other day.

As I drove away I called back to him, 'Go for it, the world's your oyster!'

-Tim Vine

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^Lizard ^^lizard^^^lizard

Is there a Gecko in here? (Tim Vine).

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What are the most funny Tim Vine jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Tim Vine? Well, here are the best Tim Vine dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Tim Vine pick up lines to share with friends.

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