Tim Jokes

132 tim jokes and hilarious tim puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about tim that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Enjoy a good laugh with this collection of top Tim jokes. Puns based around famous personalities called Tim and Tims-related products such as Tim Hortons, Tim Tam, Tim Hawkins and Jim, and even dams. Read through these funny jokes and find yourself chuckling along with the best of them.

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Short Tim Jokes
Tim One Liners
Tim Tebow Jokes
Tim Vine Jokes
Tim Hortons Jokes
Tim Burton Jokes
More Tim Jokes

Funniest Tim Short Jokes

Short tim jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The tim humour may include short bob jokes also.

So tim tebow just hit a home run in his first professional at bat But he had no idea what to do once he got to third base.
John has 20 watermelons and tim has none. John threw one watermelon at tim, what does tim have now? A concussion.
This bloke said to me This bloke said to me, "Tim, as a young boy, was your mother very strict with you?" I said, "Let me make one thing absolutely clear. My mother was never a young boy."
Even Tim Cook would have been a better president than Donald Trump But that is comparing apples to orange
I went on one of those once in a lifetime holidays last week... I won't be doing that again.
My friend Tim drowned, so we put a lifevest on his coffin. It's what he would have wanted.
So Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter are to separate after 13 years together. I wonder who will get custody of Johnny Depp.
What if animals "were" injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Tim Rice and Tim curry are going to open an Indian restaurant together. They plan to call it 'Tim's'
Its raining "Come inside , it's raining" Mom shouted to little Tim.

Tim replies "It's raining outsite as well."

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Tim One Liners

Which tim one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with tim? I can suggest the ones about john and medic.

Why can't you compare millionaires Tim Cook and donald trump? Apples and oranges.
I took part in the sun tanning Olympics. I just got Bronze.
What's Tim short for? He was just born that way.
I just tried to follow Tim Howard on twitter... I got blocked.
I've decided to sell my hoover... well, it was just collecting dust.
What's a Canadian's favorite unit of computer memory? The Tim-byte.
I used to live hand to mouth. Do you know what changed my life? Cutlery
Did you know Raymond Burr had a brother who was a lumberjack? His name was Tim
What do you yell after chopping down a haunted tree? Tim Burton!!!
What cereal was removed from Tim Cook's breakfast? Apple Jacks
Crime in lifts. Its wrong on so many levels
I threw out my old vacuum cleaner today... It was just gathering dust.
A kid playing tag runs up to Tim Curry and says... you're IT
Why did Tim Cook go to the opthalmologist? Because he had an iProblem
What does Tim Cook have for breakfast in the morning? Not Apple Jacks

Tim Tebow Jokes

Here is a list of funny tim tebow jokes and even better tim tebow puns that will make you laugh with friends.

BREAKING NEWS: Patriots admit Tim Tebow hired by mistake. After tight end Aaron Hernandez request for white Bronco.
What's the difference between Tim Tebow and Aaron Hernandez? Aaron Hernandez knew when to hang it up.
Tim Tebow is a lot like Mary because they're both virgins. But at least Mary was able to produce.
What is Tim Tebow's favorite glow in the dark color? Knee-on green
Tim Tebow has hit a home run but... Still hasn't made it past 1st base...
Tim Tebow hit his first homerun... ...unfortunately, he didn't know what to do after reaching 3rd base.
What 8 letter phrase means a healthy scratch? Tim Tebow
Who is a presents favorite quarterback? Tim TeBOW
Anytime Tim Tebow contemplates... ...it's a Christian Ponder.
joke courtesy Michael Starrbury
What do Tim Tebow and Jesus have in common. Neither of them are quarterbacks.

Tim Vine Jokes

Here is a list of funny tim vine jokes and even better tim vine puns that will make you laugh with friends.

Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.
My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'.
I asked my gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He said 'how flexible are you?'
I said 'I can't make Wednesdays.'
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."
A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!
I saw a street performer playing Dancing Queen on a Didgeridoo yesterday... And I thought, that's ABBAriginal.
So I said to this bloke "I'm gonna open a shop in Saudi Arabia" He said "*Dubai?*", and I said, "*yep, and sell*".
^Lizard ^^lizard^^^lizard Is there a gecko in here?
A man asked me for a lift the other day. As I drove away I called back to him, 'Go for it, the world's your oyster!'

Tim Hortons Jokes

Here is a list of funny tim hortons jokes and even better tim hortons puns that will make you laugh with friends.

How much do Canadians like Tim Hortons? A latte
How much do Canadians like Tim Horton's? A lot, eh
Why do Canadian cops not need to wear body cameras? Because Tim Hortons already has cameras!
What's the capital of Canada? Tim Hortons.
What do you call a Mexican working at Tim Hortons? a Filipino

Tim Burton Jokes

Here is a list of funny tim burton jokes and even better tim burton puns that will make you laugh with friends.

I need help finding a Tim Burton movie I Googled "Tim Burton movie where Johnny Depp plays a quirky, androgynous loner," and Google told me to be more specific.
Marvel and Tim Burton are making a movie together starring Johnny Depp. It's called Wonkanda Forever.
Tim Burton met an untimely end when he thought a Lumberjack was just excited to see him.
Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton split up What a nightmare, just before Christmas as well.

Uproarious Tim Jokes to Share with Friends

What funny jokes about tim you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean buck jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make tim pranks.

There was a poetry competition final with two contestants, a university student and an old country man.

They each had 20 seconds to come up with a poem about Timbuktu.
The student goes first and says " Across the desert sands, crossed a lonely caravan, men on camels two by two, destination Timbuktu."
The crowd goes wild cheering for the poem.
The old country man then goes, "Tim and I off hunting went, found some girls in a pop up tent, they were three and we were two and I buck one and Tim buck two."

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't," he replied.

An Irish boy comes home after school. His father asks him how his day went. The boy replies: "I think I'm in love."

His father says: "But that's great, son! Tell me, who are you in love with? Is it Fiona?"
No.
"Is it Mary?"
No.
"Is it Rosy?"
NO, dad... I... I'm in love with Tim.
The father explodes:
"Tim? TIM? My son, why are you doing this to your family?
Tim is Protestant!!

Offensive nfl joke. Trigger Warning: Terrorism/World Trade Centre/Religious, anybody who is offended do not open this link

I'm really worried about Tim Tebow taking over the QB position. The last time anybody that religious had control of the Jets 9/11 happened

How do you get into Heaven?

When Tim was just a wee lad, he went regularly to Sunday School. One day, his teacher decided to test Tim to see if he understood the concept of getting to Heaven. She asked him, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" Tim answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
By now, the teacher was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, Tim answered, "NO!"
The Sunday School teacher was just bursting with pride for him.
Well, she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A very confident young Tim shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, He got out three times to pee"

Tim is out drinking one night...

He wants to go home but is extremely drunk so he decides to walk. After two steps he falls down. He stands up, walks another two steps and falls down again. This continues all the way home where he climbs up the stairs in agony but doesn't utter a single groan since he doesn't want his wife to notice and gets into bed next to her, makes sure he didn't wake her up and sleeps.
The next day, his wife tells him: "Tim, you m**...! Didn't I tell you not to go out drinking??? You're a dead loss!" - "But how did you know?" - "You forgot your wheelchair at the bar, that's why!"

Donald Trump and his two bodyguards are on a crashing airplane. There are only two parachutes.

Trump declares "I am the President of the United States and also the smartest one. It's unbelievable." He grabs a parachute and jumps.
One of the bodyguards says "Hey, man, you have a wife and kids. Take the parachute."
The other replies "There are enough parachutes for both of us, Tim. Mr Trump took my knapsack."

Returning on Investment

After being away on buisness, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50. "That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.
"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.

Tim, the 68-year old v**... died yesterday.

He never got to 69.

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth paying to replace so many devices!"

"Then why are Androids so much cheaper?", asked the journalist.

"Because," said Tim Cook, "an Android replaces just one device. The iPhone."

Poetry contest

A r**... and a Harvard graduate are in a poetry contest where they have to come up with a poem that has the word Timbuktu in it. The Harvard graduate goes first.
Amongst the desert sands
Away ride the caravans
Camels leaving, two by two
Destination: Timbuktu
The audience applauds, thinking that the r**... does not have a chance. Then the r**... goes.
Me and Tim a'huntin' went,
Found some w**... in a pop up tent.
They was three and we was two
So I bucked one and Timbuktu!

A boy with swollen cheek.

Mom looks at her son and asks "What happened Timmy?".
Tim replies "A fly landed on my face in the garden.".
"Did it bite you?" asks mom.
"No, dad killed it with a shovel." says Tim.

Timbuktu

Once in a quizshow. There were an Australian and a priest competing against each other. Their scores were equal, so they had to create a verse about "Timbuktu".
The priest began:
"I was a father, all my life,
had no children, had no wife.
I read the Bible, through and through.
On my way to Timbuktu."
Then the Australian told his version:
"When Tim and I to Brisbane went,
we met three ladies cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
so I booked one and Tim booked two!"

Every knows about comedian Bill Burr.

Many have not heard of his lumberjack brother Tim, he is one of the best in the world.

What do Tim Cook and the iPhone 6 Plus have in common?

They both made the news for not being straight.

Winner of the National Championship for Poems - Category: "Timbuktu"

Tim and I off hunting went.
Found three girls in a pop up tent.
They were three and we were two.
So I bucked one and,
Tim bucked two.

Me and Tim a hunting went...

...Met three w**... in a pop-up tent. They was three and we was two, so I buck one and Timbuktu.

There is no "i" in "team.

"But there's an "i" in "Tim," and my friend Carlos pronounces it "team." So....there.

A woman placed an ad in a news paper...

'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements. He shouldn't beat me. He shouldn't leave me. He should be great in bed.'
Three days later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.
The man said, "Hi, I'm Tim. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't have legs so I can't leave you. I think I'm the guy."
The lady in an angry voice asked him back, "How the h**... are you supposed to be great in bed then. Didn't you read the third requirement?"
Tim replied, "I rang the doorbell. Didn't I?"

Everyone had heard of comedian Bill Burr.

Most people are unaware of his famous lumberjack brother, Tim.

Giovanni said to his daughter, "I no like-a that Irish boy taking you out-a. He is-a rough and common, and besides-a, he is-a a big-a dumbbell!"

"No, papa," replied the girl, "Tim is the cleverest fella I know." "Why-a you say-a that?" "We have only been dating nine weeks and he has already cured me of that little illness I used to get every month!"

John, Bob, Tim, and Scott rob a bank.

John is the getaway driver who waits in the lot. Bob disables the alarms, Tim unlocks the safe, and Scott is able to locate the marked bills. Bob and Tim leave the bank and John drives them away.
They got off Scott-free.

Woman and the news paper( kinda short)

A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. Looking for a man with three qualifications: won't beat me up, won't run away from me, and is great in bed. Two days later her doorbell rings. Hi, I'm Tim. I have no arms so I won't beat you, and no legs so I won't run away. What makes you think you are great in bed? the woman retorts. Tim replies, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

So Tim is interviewing for a job.

"I will need you to take a test before I hire you." Says the man. "You have to shoot 5 black men and a bunny"
"Why the bunny" asks Tim?
"Your hired"

My friend is running around trying to get rid of silent vowels

but I say it's a waste of Tim.

Tim Cook just came out as gay...

I wont be surprised if the Samsung CEO suddenly becomes gay too.

Little Tim was waiting for his dad to come back from the basement

Dad and Tim had agreed to eat lunch together. However, Dad told Tim that he had to fix something in the basement first, and he went downstairs with a rope. As time went by, Tim became more and more impatient and decided that dad should know.
"Dad!" Tim shouted. "I'm hungry!"
Suddenly, a voice that seemingly came from nowhere filled the living room.
"Hi hungry, I'm dead"

Why didn't Tim have any friends while he was studying fishing?

Because he would just go home and master bait.

Simon met up with Tim for coffee

Simon Said: „Wasn't yesterday's power cut a nightmare! I was stuck in a lift for 4 hours!
„Oh, you had it easy, said Tim. „I was left standing on an escalator for 5 hours!

Two Old Men

Two old men were sitting in the yard outside the care home one day when Tim turned to the other and said "John I'm really feeling my age today I just hurt all over, how are you feeling?
John replied "I feel just like a new born babe"
Tim looked at him startled "A New Born babe really?"
"Yep, I have no hair, no teeth, and I think I just s**...t my pants."

"honey don't you think you're treating one of our kids unfairly?"

"who? Tim, Felix or the fat one?"

Today Trump tweeted a weird defense of himself for saying "Tim Apple" last week

How do you like Tim Apples?

Went on a weird blind date

We met at a place downtown. My date introduced himself as Tim.
"So Tim, what do you do for a living?"
He hesitated for a second, "I work for the thought police."
I was clearly taken aback.
Tim: "Now, before you say anything...I know what you're thinking..."

What does Tim Cook do when he's home alone at night?

j**...

What do you call a man short on time?

You call him Tim
I found this gem on the game Oxenfree

What's Tim Cook's new nickname?

Jack The Ripper

Tim Cook could be a way better president than Trump.

But really, comparing apples to oranges just seems so unfair.

So tell me Tim, are you happily married?

Or is she happy and you are married?

What is Tim Cook's favorite song at Karaoke?

"Hit the roooad Jack, and don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more"

"Bill, I'm beginning to think my wife might be cheating on me..."

"What makes you say that, Tim?"
"Well, you're standing n**... in my closet..."

Geologists think they're funny

Tim: What kind of stone is this?
Geologist: Oh, that would be leaverite.
Tim: Really?
Geologist: Yeah, leaverite there. It's just a rock.
Tim: ...
Geologist: Come on, you know that schist was funny.

Tim Cook joked about Trump getting his name wrong. Trump claimed it was fake news. Shows a lot about their character...

But that's comparing apples and oranges

Dad why'd you name me Tim?

Well son your Mom and I met at MIT and thought we were being clever.
Then why'd you choose to name my sister Lana?
No reason..

Tim was planting a seed in the ground.

Jack: What kind of a seed is it?
Tim: A seed of doubt.
Jack: That's The worst joke I've ever heard......Or maybe the best...

Tim Cook was just named as the new CEO of Ford, and I for one am really excited!

Now everyone will have the chance to buy a Ford-Apple car

Statistics say that there's at least one gay guy in a group of friends, I hope it's Tim ...

He's really cute.

In High School they used to call me Big Tim, but it wasn't because of my height, Ladies ;)....

.....its because I was Morbidly Obese.

Jim: Tim, see if the indicator lights are working...

Tim: Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no...

Tim Cook officially came out of the closet...

at least this is the one time when Android users can't claim that theirs came out first.

What is a horrible lumberjack yell ?

Tim...
The credit for the joke goes to Ryan Stiles.

Senator Tim Kaine is basically an overwatch champion.

even CNN refers to him as D-VA

Who is Gordon Ramsay's favorite American Country Music artist?

It's Tim McFOOKINGRAW!!!

With Tim Cook being gay and all...

It's no wonder he likes dongles so much.

TIL Tim Gibbons, a reclusive gastroenterologist, has the only f**... preserved in a jar on record since 1983...

*owner of a lonely f**...*

"Alright guys, we have lots of pictures to mount before the art gallery tonight. Like I said in the email, we'll have to use these adhesive hooks. Under no circumstances will you p**... the wall with nails or screws. Tim, I've noticed you've already hung one picture. Great job.

Tim (hiding his drill and muttering under his breath): welp.. I s**... that up.

Tim McGraw has achieved something in his life no other man has

A positive song mention from Taylor Swift

Miss Reed asks Little Rickie: If I say I love chocolate, what's the verb little Rickie? ...

-.. the verb is love, Miss ..
- Very Good . Now if I say : Jon arrived , what is the object , little Tim ? ..
The object is arrived, Miss ...
Well done, little Tim. Now if I say :Jane moans from pleasure , what's the subject little Johnny? ...
- The subject is doing her, Miss