tim Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious tim puns

Statistics say there's a gay guy in every group of friends. I think it's Tim...

he's got a great ass.

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So Tim Tebow just hit a home run in his first professional at bat

But he had no idea what to do once he got to third base.

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Three kids are discussing who has the taller dad...

Tim: My dad is so tall that he can reach the top of a tree!

Bob: Well, my dad is so tall that he can reach the clouds!

Little Johnny: When your father reaches the clouds, does it feel soft?

Bob: I think so...

Little Johnny: Yeah, that's my father's balls.

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Two soldiers are walking through the desert...

And a scorpion crawls up on one of the Tim's leg and stings him right in the dick. Johnny calls the base and asks to talk with the medic. He tells him what happened to Tim and asks what the best course of action would be. Since the base is far away, the medic tells Johnny that he has to suck the venom out of the wound before it spreads. Tim asks: "What did the medic say?"
Johnny says: "He says you're gonna fucking die"

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John has 20 watermelons and tim has none. John threw one watermelon at tim, what does tim have now?

A concussion.

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My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia...

Unfortunately, I had to dial the help line.

"G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya mate?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....you know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You've saved my honeymoon!"

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Offensive NFL joke. Trigger Warning: Terrorism/World Trade Centre/Religious, anybody who is offended do not open this link

I'm really worried about Tim Tebow taking over the QB position. The last time anybody that religious had control of the Jets 9/11 happened

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I took my wife on our honyemoon to Australia..

Unfortunately, I had to dial the help line.

"G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You've saved my honeymoon!"

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This bloke said to me

This bloke said to me, "Tim, as a young boy, was your mother very strict with you?" I said, "Let me make one thing absolutely clear. My mother was never a young boy."

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Local ads...

A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. Looking for a man with three qualifications: won't beat me up, won't run away from me, and is great in bed.
Two days later her doorbell rings. Hi, I'm Tim. I have no arms so I won't beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.
What makes you think you are great in bed? the woman retorts.
Tim replies, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

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Geologist humor

Tim: Hey, what kind of stone is this?

Geologist: Oh, that's leaverite.

Tim: Really?

Geologist: Yeah. Leaverite there, it's just a fucking rock.

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why have canadians begun mixing weed & tim hortons coffee?

shits & giggles

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Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"



"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, He got out three times to pee"

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Today I had dinner with my boss and his wife

It was a complete disaster. The wife asked me "how many potatoes would you like?" and I said "I'll just have one". She said "it's alright, you dont have to be polite", and I said "alright then, I'll just have one you stupid cow".

^^^thanks ^^^to ^^^Tim ^^^Vine

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How do you get into Heaven?

When Tim was just a wee lad, he went regularly to Sunday School. One day, his teacher decided to test Tim to see if he understood the concept of getting to Heaven. She asked him, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?"


"NO!" Tim answered.


"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"


Again, the answer was, "NO!"


By now, the teacher was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!


"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?"


Again, Tim answered, "NO!"


The Sunday School teacher was just bursting with pride for him.


Well, she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"


A very confident young Tim shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."

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Tim is out drinking one night...

He wants to go home but is extremely drunk so he decides to walk. After two steps he falls down. He stands up, walks another two steps and falls down again. This continues all the way home where he climbs up the stairs in agony but doesn't utter a single groan since he doesn't want his wife to notice and gets into bed next to her, makes sure he didn't wake her up and sleeps.
The next day, his wife tells him: "Tim, you moron! Didn't I tell you not to go out drinking??? You're a dead loss!" - "But how did you know?" - "You forgot your wheelchair at the bar, that's why!"

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Honeymoon in Australia

My wife and I went on our honyemoon to Australia. Unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?" I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know." The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!" I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You've saved my honeymoon!"

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Donald Trump and his two bodyguards are on a crashing airplane. There are only two parachutes.

Trump declares "I am the President of the United States and also the smartest one. It's unbelievable." He grabs a parachute and jumps.

One of the bodyguards says "Hey, man, you have a wife and kids. Take the parachute."

The other replies "There are enough parachutes for both of us, Tim. Mr Trump took my knapsack."

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Tim, the 68-year old virgin died yesterday.

He never got to 69.

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What browser do you use to watch porn?

Bill Gates: "Internet Explorer"

Sundar Pichai: "Google Chrome"

Tim Cook: "Safari"

Jared Fogle: "Tor"

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Wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia...

Wife got a bullseye bite and I needed help.

"G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You've saved my honeymoon!"

-------
**madazzahatter**

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I went on one of those once in a lifetime holidays last week...

I won't be doing that again.

joke by Tim Vine

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Ring the doorbell

A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. Looking for a man with three qualifications: won't beat me up, won't run away from me, and is great in bed. Two days later her doorbell rings. Hi, I'm Tim. I have no arms so I won't beat you, and no legs so I won't run away. What makes you think you are great in bed? the woman retorts. Tim replies, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

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My friend Tim drowned, so we put a lifevest on his coffin.

It's what he would have wanted.

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Two airplane mechanics

Bob and Tim work at Atlanta airport. Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Bob and Tim have nothing to do. After work Bob and Tim usually have a drink on their way home, so Bob says to Tim, I heard that you can get a buzz off drinking jet fuel. Since they have nothing better to do, they try it. Finally, their shift is over and they get to go home. Next morning Bob calls Tim and says, How are you feeling? Tim says he's fine, never felt better. Bob asks, Do you have a hangover? Tim says no. Then Tim says, Wow this is great! We can drink all we want and not get a hangover. Then Bob says, Well, there is one side effect, Tim. Have you farted yet? Tim says, No, why?
Bob says, I'm calling you from Detroit!

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A boy with swollen cheek.

Mom looks at her son and asks "What happened Timmy?".
Tim replies "A fly landed on my face in the garden.".
"Did it bite you?" asks mom.
"No, dad killed it with a shovel." says Tim.

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Returning on Investment

After being away on buisness, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50. "That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

The clerk handed him a mirror.

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So Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter are to separate after 13 years together.

I wonder who will get custody of Johnny Depp.

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Timbuktu...

A priest and an Australian shepherd got a tie in a quiz show so they have to solve the last question: find a rhyme on the word Timbuktu.
After five minutes the priest returns and says:
"I was a father all my life, I had no children, had no wife, I read the bible through and through on my way to Timbuktu..."
The crowd was cheering him and thought he would win as the shepherd returns:
"When Tim and I to Brisbane went, we met three ladies cheap to rent. They were three and we were two, so I booked one and Tim booked two..."

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What if animals "were" injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits?

Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

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Two friends at the gym

Two friends meet at the gym and are going to take a shower.

One of them notices that the other is wearing women's panties.

-Panties? what the fuck Tim?

What? It's the latest trend!

-Really? And when did that trend started?

When my wife found a pair in the backseat of my car.

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I just tried to follow Tim Howard on twitter...

I got blocked.

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Poetry contest

A redneck and a Harvard graduate are in a poetry contest where they have to come up with a poem that has the word Timbuktu in it. The Harvard graduate goes first.

Amongst the desert sands
Away ride the caravans
Camels leaving, two by two
Destination: Timbuktu

The audience applauds, thinking that the redneck does not have a chance. Then the redneck goes.

Me and Tim a'huntin' went,
Found some whores in a pop up tent.
They was three and we was two
So I bucked one and Timbuktu!

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Two construction workers..

So there were these two construction workers that were working on the same building. One works on the first floor and the other works on the 2nd floor. That day the construction worker on the first floor realized that he needed a handsaw, so he yells up to the second construction worker and said,

"Hey Tim! I need a handsaw, can you please throw one down to me!?!"

Tim couldn't hear so he looked at him and was like,

"What!?"

So the first construction worker decides to point to his "eye" which means "I", then he points to his knee, which means "I NEED" then he makes a handsaw cutting motion with his hands meaning "I need a handsaw."
Tim sees this, nods, pulls out his dick and then starts masturbating. The first construction worker sees this, gets angry and runs up to Tim and yells,

"Tim what is wrong with you! I told you I needed a handsaw!"

Tim then looks at him and says,

"I know. I just wanted to tell you that I was coming."

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Ex-Wife

An Avid Sportman and hunter, Tim decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.

One evening, not long after the honeymoon, he was getting his equipment ready for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand-loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"You were beginning to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

He replied, "I wasn't."

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What are the most funny Tim jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Tim? Well, here are the best Tim dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Tim pick up lines to share with friends.

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