Till Jokes
143 till jokes and hilarious till puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about till that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Humor doesn't have to be dependent on lecture or observation; it can be about the past and present alike. Join Till Reiners on his podcast, Till Jokes, as he delves into his own experiences with acne, psychoanalysis, and the 9pm blues. His unique perspective keeps listeners tuned in - and laughing!
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Funniest Till Short Jokes
Short till jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The till humour may include short tally jokes also.
- My wife treats me like GOD!! She takes no notice of my existence till she wants something.
- Bill Withers Duck joke How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Leave it in the oven till it's Bill Withers. - It is funny how my wife waits for me in the kitchen all night till I come back from the pub... ...just to ask me what time it is.
- My mum got really annoyed when I tried to tickle my little sister's feet... she said something about 'waiting till she was born'.
- I'm giving up drinking till christmas Bad punctuation, can't edit title
I'm giving up. Drinking till Christmas. - What do you do with 365 used condoms? Melt them down, make a tire and call it a Goodyear.
(Yes, I have been waiting till the end of the year to write this) - I played "My Heart Will Go On" on a public piano and people yelled at me. Can't wait till this cruise is over.
- I wanted to become a professional sperm donor I already had my slogan ready: "Wait till you get a load of this guy!"
- What is the difference between a priest and a pimple A pimple will wait till you are 12 to come on your face
- Really hate having to wait till September to drive my new car. Shouldn't have bought an autumnobile.
Sorry.
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Till One Liners
Which till one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with till? I can suggest the ones about sedan and toil.
- Insomnia is terrible. But on the plus side... Only three more sleep till Christmas
- joe Biden is not my president!! At least not till January which won't come soon enough.
- I like my oreos like I like my people... ...held under the surface till the bubbles stop.
- Women treat me like a god They ignore me till they need something
- My girlfriend treats me like a god She ignores me till she wants to ask for something
- What do you call a 300 year old joke? Congress
PS: One day till cake day :D 11m 30d - They used to be called "Jumpolines" Till your mother had a go.
- My son was eating electrical cords So I grounded him till he conducted himself properly
- I just made a scathing video mocking the Amish I can't wait till they see it
- The insomniacs are getting all excited. Only 2 more sleeps till Christmas.
- Someone said, if you think 2020 is crazy Wait till that MF turns 21 and start drinking
- Did you know there used to be a cat on Mars? Yeah, till Curiosity killed it.
- I can't wait till New Year's Day, 2021. Then I can say hindsight is really 2020.
- I hate when people say It's a quarter till 9 Just say 8:75pm like us normal people…
- I am so exited. Only one more lock-down till Christmas.
Hilarious Till Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends
What funny jokes about till you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean teller jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make till pranks.
A joke for Europe
A Greek, an Italian, and a Spaniard go into a bar and have an awesome time, ordering drinks till dawn. So who pays the tab?
A German.
Dance till you feel hurt. Sing till your lungs hurt. Act till you're William Hurt. - Phil Dunphy
From Phil's Osophies (Modern Family). I have to get that book.
I got arrested last night for m**......
I can't remember too much, I was out drinking till late. Once I left the pub I saw two young men fighting. It took some effort but I successfully managed to separate them.
The judge says they were Siamese twins conjoined at the head.
I'm immortal
Have you ever noticed that it's only 'perfect' people who are murdered or killed in horrific accidents?
"He was the perfect son" or "She was the perfect daughter."
"Such a tragic accident they were the perfect family."
"They died together, the perfect couple till the end."
Makes me glad I a**... my kids and beat up my wife.
Kind of makes me immortal.
Whats the difference between a zit and a priest? (My 17 year old camper just said this, made me cringe)
A zit waits till you're a teenager to come on your face.
Importance of Planning
Why planning is important?
One night four college students were playing till late night and could not study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
So the Dean said they could have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.
On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.
The test consisted of 2 questions with a total of 100 Marks.
See below for the question paper.
Q.1. Your Name…….. ………
(2 MARKS)
Q.2. Which tyre burst?
(98 MARKS)
a) Front left
b) Front right
c) Back left
d) Back right
Three boys are bragging about whose dad is the fastest runner...
The first says "My dad is a hunter. He can shoot an arrow, run to where it's gonna land and catch it!"
"That's nothing!" says the second boy "My dad's a police officer. He can shoot a bullet and be at the target before the bullet hits!"
"My dad can run the fastest!" says the third boy. "He's a civil servant. He works till 4 and is always home by 3:30!"
I have a bumper sticker that says...
"Honk if you think I'm s**...."
Then I wait at green lights till I feel better about myself.
I suffer from terrible insomnia
But on the bright side it's only three more sleeps till Christmas.
Got caught up in a really great book last night...
I didn't stop coloring till 2 o'clock this morning!
What's the difference between acne and a Child m**...?
Acne waits till you are 13 to come all over your face.
I knew that s**... fetishes could get more and more perverse over time, but...
...it wasn't till I spanked a statue that I knew I'd hit rock bottom.
The fly and me
I'm translating this joke from my native language so I'm hoping its just as funny in English.
The other night I saw a mosquito in my room. I kept trying to catch it till I caught it in a corner, ready to end its life, when all of a sudden it turned around and said "Wait! Surely you won't kill your own family!", I stopped in my tracks and stared at the mosquito thinking what it meant. Then I realised the mosquito wasn't lying... My blood was coursing through its veins
A couple, 98 and 100 years old, see a lawyer and ask how to go about in getting a divorce.
Surprised, the lawyer asks, why they want to get a divorce at this point of their lives.
The woman answers: 'We wanted to wait till the children were dead.'
I emailed Netflix and asked if they had Batman Forever
they said, "No, just till the end of June".
"Doctor, I think my wife has a hearing problem. "
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I think my wife has a hearing problem. She doesn't seem to hear what ever I tell her."
The doctor replies, "Oh, is that so? Well, let me try to help you. Just try this method when you get home today. Stand around 50 feet from her and ask her something. If she doesn't hear it, reduce the gap by 10 feet and so on till she can hear what you say."
The man satisfied with the reply, hurries home to try this little technique. He stands around 50 feet away from her, and shouts, "Hey honey, what's for dinner today?" He gets no response, so he moves closer and repeats the same question four more times till he's right next to her.
He asks the same question again and she says, "For heaven's sake, this is the fifth time I'm telling you, it's just fruit salad tonight!"
Two sperms are talking with each other...
"Hey man, how long till we get the ovaries?"
"Long way still, we just passed the t**...."
Kit Kat
A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, fatty."
Why is acne better than a catholic priest?
At least acne waits till a kid is 14 to come on his face.
TIL The chicken crossing the road jokes real meaning
To get to the other side was also a comment on the afterlife, as in the "other side" as in knowing he'd die crossing the road. I'm 37, heard this joke so many times, and not once put this together till now. /mind blown
What's the difference between a priest and a pimple?
Pimples don't come on boys faces till they hit 13
Unfortunate sign in discount warehouse near a retirement community:
Shop till you drop!
What do Crocs and getting a bj by a dude have in common?
They both feel fantastic till you look down and realize you're gay.
A lesbian tried to hit on me today, so I let her know that I was straight.
She told me, "Spaghetti is straight too, till it gets wet"
A Dutch, English and Chinese man wash up on an island
A Dutch, English and Chinese man survive a boat accident and wash up on an island. They need food, water and supplies to survive the night.
The Dutch guys says that he will gather the food, the English man will get water and the Chinese man is send for supplies.
When the Dutch and the English man come back with food and water the Chinese man is nowhere to be found. They wait a bit till they can't wait longer and start preparing the food.
The Dutch and English guy start eating and out of nowhere the Chinese guy jumps out the bushes and shouts: " SUPPLIES ".
My dad died in front of me
Before he died, he scribbled me a note. They were his last words. I decided not to open it till I was ready. A year later, I opened it and this is what is said, "You are stepping on my oxygen line".
My wife keeps telling me I shouldn't pee in the bath
Or if I really have to, I should at least wait till she gets out.
Hamsters are a lot like cigarettes
Completely harmless till you light one on fire and place it in your mouth
Username goes to the store.
He buys three oranges and goes to the till.
Username checks out.
Now I'm just going to wait till the end of 2016 and hope Obama says:
"Chill out guys, all of this was just a prank. I'm going for the 3rd term".
Not all of the weird s**... stuff you hear about is as good as it's cracked up to be...
I mean you can tell me how great a**... asphyxiation is till you're blue in the face.
Michael Jackson is walking out from the operating room after his wife gave birth to their son.
Michael says "Hey Doc how long till we can have s**...?" The Doctor says "At least wait till he is walking Michael!!"
I used to live in New Orleans till Katrina took everything I had.
Sometimes I wish she'd stayed in Latvia.
What is the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?
Acne waits till you're 13 to come on your face.
"What time does the library open?" The man on the phone asks.
"Nine AM," came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine AM?" The man said in a disappointed voice.
"No not till nine!" The librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine?"
"Who said I wanted to get in? I want to get out."
My wife asked for a spa day for her birthday
I can't wait till she unwraps it, and I tell her it's pronounced s**....
Tea is an Evil Substance
Tea is an evil substance, more dangerous than beer.
I discovered this last night, when I drank 14 beer till 3AM at the pub while my wife was just drinking tea at home. You should have seen how angry and violent when I got home. I was peaceful, silent and headed to bed as she shouted at me all night and even in the morning. Please Ladies, don't drink tea!
Cow tipping.
If you succeed in tipping a cow only part way, such that only one of its feet is till on the ground, you have created lean beef. Such a feat is well done. Naturally, being outside, the cow is unstable. When it falls over, it becomes ground beef.
What's the difference between a Catholic Priest and a Zit?
A zit will wait till your twelve years old to come on your face.
How many drunks does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to swig till the room starts to spin.
Most people tell me there are many fish in the sea.
So till i catch one imma play with my rod
What's the best part about smoking m**...?
Only three more sleeps till Christmas
I have a bumper sticker saying, "Honk if you think I'm s**...".
Some days I just stay at a green light till I'm feeling good about myself.
A man walks into a bar
He looks quite down. He sits down and orders a drink, drinks it, orders another, then another and goes on to drink till the bar closes. The bartender asks him to pay and leave but the man asks for a last drink. While serving him, the bartender asks him what has happened and the man replies, "I lost my wallet"
Chuck Norris and Superman arm wrestled...
Loser had to wear his underwear over his pants till the rest of his life.
My wife's identical twin sister is living with us till she finds a job
I said to my friend
He asked do you know how to tell them apart ?
I remarked why should I ?
A soldier's wife sends him.......
....a n**... photograph of herself with both legs wide open.
She adds the message, Love, I'll wait for you like this till you return.
Soldier: Oh, that's nice but who took that photo?
People keep telling me im unlucky to have Insomnia but the jokes on them...
only 2 more sleeps till Christmas!
God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn
He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world"
The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their neighbour is"
I saw a girl and I wrote my number on a dollar.
I went to her and I dropped the dollar then I said: "Sorry to bother you, but this dropped from you."
But the s**... girl went and bought a sandwich with the dollar.
The problem is not here, but the problem is that the sandwich seller is texting me till midnight saying: "Did you love the sandwich beautiful?"
How many mulas till a solution?
One mula...
Two mula...
Three mula...
Formula.
I made this up. No one ever laughs. It must be my delivery.
I used to think I was a hypochondriac...
Till my shrink told me it was all in my head.
I told my girlfriend that my w**... is like a computer
She said "is it because its like a hard drive and is made of metal"
Wait till she finds out its more like "" microsoft and has a lot of viruses""
Joe goes to church and starts praying hard. The pastor comes up and asks: 'what's wrong?'
Joe says: "I want you to pray for my hearing."
The pastor puts his hands on Joe's ears and starts shaking and praying hard for ten minutes.
Pastor says: "So how's your hearing" ?
Joe says: "I don't know, it's not till next Monday."
My wife tried one of those expensive beauty mud packs on her face and it worked!
Till she took it off.
I'm a proud father since 10 minutes
My son is already 20 years old but he has been a disappointment till now
A traffic cop in a small town stopped a motorist for speeding.
"but Officer," said the driver, "I can explain-"
Save your excuses," said the cop. "You can cool your heels in jail till the chief gets back."
"But Officer..."
"Quiet!" snapped the cop. "You're going to jail the chief will deal with you when he gets back."
A few hours later the officer looks in at the prisoner. "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. It means he'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," said the prisoner. "I'm the groom."
Life hack
If you sleep till noon you only have to pay for two meals instead of three.
David takes his son to a doctor
David : Doctor, my son has swallowed a pair of keys.
Doctor : When did this happen!?
David : Three months ago.
Doctor : What!? What were you doing till now!?
David : We were using the spare keys.
A wife inscribed on her husband's tombstone...
Rest in Peace honey.
Rest in Peace, till I join you.
I was waiting in a long line to order food when I saw this beautiful girl.
I was very nervous till she laughed at the pick up line.
What did Jesus say to the r**...?
Don't do anything till I get back
Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of £1.03 and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note.
She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change."
I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"
She sarcastically said " of course it would help"
So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?"
I said "Yes please!"
"How much?" She asked
I said "£18.97"
A guy walks into a bar
and asks for a beer. He c**... it, looks into his pocket and asks for another beer. He c**... that beer, looks into his pocket and asks for another.
The man does this a few more times until the bartender asks, "How come you ask for a beer, c**... it, then look in your pocket?"
The man says, "Because there is a picture of my wife in my pocket and I'm gonna keep drinking till she looks good enough for me to go home."
I decided to go vegan after visiting the meat production factory.
The livestock conditions were appalling.
The process involving production of Meatballs and Salami was bad.
But wait till you see the one of German sausage. It was the wurst.
Edit : Sweden has already decided to bring in regulations. I'd say they are ahead of the korv.
My wife asked for a spa day for Valentine's
I can't wait till she opens it and I tell her it's pronounced s**...
My wife said we should spice up our love life
What do you mean? I asked.
She said let's do a bit of role playing. I'll be the doctor and you be the patient .
Alright... I went with it, How are you, doctor?
We have no appointments till November. Goodbye .
My Grandpa died last week,because we couldn't figure out what was his blood type.
But he was strong man,who never gave up and he kept telling us to be positive till the last moment.
I asked my wife what Jesus's full name was and she said she didn't remember...
till I dropped a bowling ball on her foot.
