Till Jokes
143 till jokes and hilarious till puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about till that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Humor doesn't have to be dependent on lecture or observation; it can be about the past and present alike. Join Till Reiners on his podcast, Till Jokes, as he delves into his own experiences with acne, psychoanalysis, and the 9pm blues. His unique perspective keeps listeners tuned in - and laughing!
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Funniest Till Short Jokes
Short till jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The till humour may include short tally jokes also.
- Bill Withers Duck joke How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Leave it in the oven till it's Bill Withers. - It is funny how my wife waits for me in the kitchen all night till I come back from the pub... ...just to ask me what time it is.
- I'm giving up drinking till christmas Bad punctuation, can't edit title
I'm giving up. Drinking till Christmas. - What do you do with 365 used condoms? Melt them down, make a tire and call it a Goodyear.
(Yes, I have been waiting till the end of the year to write this) - I played "My Heart Will Go On" on a public piano and people yelled at me. Can't wait till this cruise is over.
- I wanted to become a professional sperm donor I already had my slogan ready: "Wait till you get a load of this guy!"
- What is the difference between a priest and a pimple A pimple will wait till you are 12 to come on your face
- Really hate having to wait till September to drive my new car. Shouldn't have bought an autumnobile.
Sorry. - My wife's identical twin sister is living with us till she finds a job I said to my friend
He asked do you know how to tell them apart ?
I remarked why should I ? - I'm not saying the staff in my local supermarket are thick, but when I asked if they could open Till 2, the manager replied.. "We're already open till 10 most nights. "
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Till One Liners
Which till one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with till? I can suggest the ones about sedan and toil.
- Insomnia is terrible. But on the plus side... Only three more sleep till Christmas
- joe Biden is not my president!! At least not till January which won't come soon enough.
- I like my oreos like I like my people... ...held under the surface till the bubbles stop.
- What do you call a 300 year old joke? Congress
PS: One day till cake day :D 11m 30d - The insomniacs are getting all excited. Only 2 more sleeps till Christmas.
- Someone said, if you think 2020 is crazy Wait till that MF turns 21 and start drinking
- Did you know there used to be a cat on Mars? Yeah, till Curiosity killed it.
- I can't wait till New Year's Day, 2021. Then I can say hindsight is really 2020.
- I hate when people say It's a quarter till 9 Just say 8:75pm like us normal people…
- I am so exited. Only one more lock-down till Christmas.
- The postman said he'd hold my package till I got home... it was an uncomfortable walk.
- Just wait till 2020 turns 21 and starts drinking. It's gunna be lit.
- Life hack If you sleep till noon you only have to pay for two meals instead of three.
- I used to think I was a hypochondriac... Till my shrink told me it was all in my head.
- Unfortunate sign in discount warehouse near a retirement community: Shop till you drop!
Hilarious Till Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends
What funny jokes about till you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean teller jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make till pranks.
Dance till you feel hurt. Sing till your lungs hurt. Act till you're William Hurt. - Phil Dunphy
From Phil's Osophies (Modern Family). I have to get that book.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got arrested last night for m**......
I can't remember too much, I was out drinking till late. Once I left the pub I saw two young men fighting. It took some effort but I successfully managed to separate them.
The judge says they were Siamese twins conjoined at the head.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm immortal
Have you ever noticed that it's only 'perfect' people who are murdered or killed in horrific accidents?
"He was the perfect son" or "She was the perfect daughter."
"Such a tragic accident they were the perfect family."
"They died together, the perfect couple till the end."
Makes me glad I a**... my kids and beat up my wife.
Kind of makes me immortal.
Importance of Planning
Why planning is important?
One night four college students were playing till late night and could not study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
So the Dean said they could have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.
On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.
The test consisted of 2 questions with a total of 100 Marks.
See below for the question paper.
Q.1. Your Name…….. ………
(2 MARKS)
Q.2. Which tyre burst?
(98 MARKS)
a) Front left
b) Front right
c) Back left
d) Back right
Got caught up in a really great book last night...
I didn't stop coloring till 2 o'clock this morning!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do Jesus and a nerd have in common?
Both are long-haired, live at their parents' till their 30's, and if they'll do anything, it is considered a miracle.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just made a scathing video mocking the Amish
I can't wait till they see it
The fly and me
I'm translating this joke from my native language so I'm hoping its just as funny in English.
The other night I saw a mosquito in my room. I kept trying to catch it till I caught it in a corner, ready to end its life, when all of a sudden it turned around and said "Wait! Surely you won't kill your own family!", I stopped in my tracks and stared at the mosquito thinking what it meant. Then I realised the mosquito wasn't lying... My blood was coursing through its veins
I emailed Netflix and asked if they had Batman Forever
they said, "No, just till the end of June".
"Doctor, I think my wife has a hearing problem. "
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I think my wife has a hearing problem. She doesn't seem to hear what ever I tell her."
The doctor replies, "Oh, is that so? Well, let me try to help you. Just try this method when you get home today. Stand around 50 feet from her and ask her something. If she doesn't hear it, reduce the gap by 10 feet and so on till she can hear what you say."
The man satisfied with the reply, hurries home to try this little technique. He stands around 50 feet away from her, and shouts, "Hey honey, what's for dinner today?" He gets no response, so he moves closer and repeats the same question four more times till he's right next to her.
He asks the same question again and she says, "For heaven's sake, this is the fifth time I'm telling you, it's just fruit salad tonight!"
Kit Kat
A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, fatty."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Are you Flappy Bird?
'Cuz I wanna tap you till you c**....
TIL The chicken crossing the road jokes real meaning
To get to the other side was also a comment on the afterlife, as in the "other side" as in knowing he'd die crossing the road. I'm 37, heard this joke so many times, and not once put this together till now. /mind blown
A guy tells his doctor "I have a good pee every morning at 7..
"And a good bowel movement at 8." Doctor says "OK so what's the trouble?" Man says "I don't get out of bed till 9!"
One of the best moments in my life was hearing my wife day "till death do us part."
I wish I would've known she was talking about her legs....
A lesbian tried to hit on me today, so I let her know that I was straight.
She told me, "Spaghetti is straight too, till it gets wet"
A Dutch, English and Chinese man wash up on an island
A Dutch, English and Chinese man survive a boat accident and wash up on an island. They need food, water and supplies to survive the night.
The Dutch guys says that he will gather the food, the English man will get water and the Chinese man is send for supplies.
When the Dutch and the English man come back with food and water the Chinese man is nowhere to be found. They wait a bit till they can't wait longer and start preparing the food.
The Dutch and English guy start eating and out of nowhere the Chinese guy jumps out the bushes and shouts: " SUPPLIES ".
My dad died in front of me
Before he died, he scribbled me a note. They were his last words. I decided not to open it till I was ready. A year later, I opened it and this is what is said, "You are stepping on my oxygen line".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Don't fire till you see the w**... of their eyes.
OH MY GOD THEY'RE CHINESE!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I like my wine like I like my women
Stored in a dark basement till they're 5 years old
My wife keeps telling me I shouldn't pee in the bath
Or if I really have to, I should at least wait till she gets out.
Username goes to the store.
He buys three oranges and goes to the till.
Username checks out.
Joke for any location...
I was at a "place of religion or race" the other day going through some magazines...
... I was perfectly happy till my rifle jammed.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Russian Nursery Rhyme
Row row row your boat all the way to Vladivostok
Life is eternal struggle towards an inevitable death
Drink v**... till you sleep
A man goes to pay for his shopping...
...and places down an empty box of disposable lenses.
The cashier looks at him and says "you can't possibly expect me to accept that as payment?"
The man points at a sign by the till, "it says here you accept contactless".
Now I'm just going to wait till the end of 2016 and hope Obama says:
"Chill out guys, all of this was just a prank. I'm going for the 3rd term".
I can't wait till next years veterans day:
for the ones that didn't get captured....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Not all of the weird s**... stuff you hear about is as good as it's cracked up to be...
I mean you can tell me how great a**... asphyxiation is till you're blue in the face.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Michael Jackson is walking out from the operating room after his wife gave birth to their son.
Michael says "Hey Doc how long till we can have s**...?" The Doctor says "At least wait till he is walking Michael!!"
I used to live in New Orleans till Katrina took everything I had.
Sometimes I wish she'd stayed in Latvia.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?
Acne waits till you're 13 to come on your face.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Because of the winter storms
there was a b**... in our neighborhood, the police told us to stay inside till they found him.
"What time does the library open?" The man on the phone asks.
"Nine AM," came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine AM?" The man said in a disappointed voice.
"No not till nine!" The librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine?"
"Who said I wanted to get in? I want to get out."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife asked for a spa day for her birthday
I can't wait till she unwraps it, and I tell her it's pronounced s**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Tea is an Evil Substance
Tea is an evil substance, more dangerous than beer.
I discovered this last night, when I drank 14 beer till 3AM at the pub while my wife was just drinking tea at home. You should have seen how angry and violent when I got home. I was peaceful, silent and headed to bed as she shouted at me all night and even in the morning. Please Ladies, don't drink tea!
I'm seriously digging this girl
Three more feet to go till I reach the coffin!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I like my women like I like my coffee
Left in my car till its cold and g**......then dumped on the side of the road.
Cow tipping.
If you succeed in tipping a cow only part way, such that only one of its feet is till on the ground, you have created lean beef. Such a feat is well done. Naturally, being outside, the cow is unstable. When it falls over, it becomes ground beef.
What's the difference between a Catholic Priest and a Zit?
A zit will wait till your twelve years old to come on your face.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many drunks does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to swig till the room starts to spin.
Most people tell me there are many fish in the sea.
So till i catch one imma play with my rod
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I have a bumper sticker saying, "Honk if you think I'm s**...".
Some days I just stay at a green light till I'm feeling good about myself.
A man walks into a bar
He looks quite down. He sits down and orders a drink, drinks it, orders another, then another and goes on to drink till the bar closes. The bartender asks him to pay and leave but the man asks for a last drink. While serving him, the bartender asks him what has happened and the man replies, "I lost my wallet"
earth was cool
till it lost its art, now its just "eh"
Chuck Norris and Superman arm wrestled...
Loser had to wear his underwear over his pants till the rest of his life.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A soldier's wife sends him.......
....a n**... photograph of herself with both legs wide open.
She adds the message, Love, I'll wait for you like this till you return.
Soldier: Oh, that's nice but who took that photo?
People keep telling me im unlucky to have Insomnia but the jokes on them...
only 2 more sleeps till Christmas!
A neck beard passes actor Lucas Till on the street
Tips fedora: M'gyver
God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn
He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world"
The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their neighbour is"
Consuming Oxygen is a dangerous addiction.
People just keep inhaling it till they die.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I saw a girl and I wrote my number on a dollar.
I went to her and I dropped the dollar then I said: "Sorry to bother you, but this dropped from you."
But the s**... girl went and bought a sandwich with the dollar.
The problem is not here, but the problem is that the sandwich seller is texting me till midnight saying: "Did you love the sandwich beautiful?"
How many mulas till a solution?
One mula...
Two mula...
Three mula...
Formula.
I made this up. No one ever laughs. It must be my delivery.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I told my girlfriend that my w**... is like a computer
She said "is it because its like a hard drive and is made of metal"
Wait till she finds out its more like "" microsoft and has a lot of viruses""
Old Man Richard Harrison: I want to live till I am 100
Death: Best I can do is 77
Joe goes to church and starts praying hard. The pastor comes up and asks: 'what's wrong?'
Joe says: "I want you to pray for my hearing."
The pastor puts his hands on Joe's ears and starts shaking and praying hard for ten minutes.
Pastor says: "So how's your hearing" ?
Joe says: "I don't know, it's not till next Monday."
What were the last words of Jesus?
Wait till my father hears about this!
My wife tried one of those expensive beauty mud packs on her face and it worked!
Till she took it off.
I'm a proud father since 10 minutes
My son is already 20 years old but he has been a disappointment till now
A traffic cop in a small town stopped a motorist for speeding.
"but Officer," said the driver, "I can explain-"
Save your excuses," said the cop. "You can cool your heels in jail till the chief gets back."
"But Officer..."
"Quiet!" snapped the cop. "You're going to jail the chief will deal with you when he gets back."
A few hours later the officer looks in at the prisoner. "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. It means he'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," said the prisoner. "I'm the groom."
What do you do if an elephant swallows you...?
Just run around in circles till your all pooped out
David takes his son to a doctor
David : Doctor, my son has swallowed a pair of keys.
Doctor : When did this happen!?
David : Three months ago.
Doctor : What!? What were you doing till now!?
David : We were using the spare keys.
A wife inscribed on her husband's tombstone...
Rest in Peace honey.
Rest in Peace, till I join you.
Had a stupidly long receptionist shift today.
I worked from desk till dawn.
I was waiting in a long line to order food when I saw this beautiful girl.
I was very nervous till she laughed at the pick up line.
The Pope goes to Washington DC.
He's there to cure the sick, heal the masses, and all those Pope type things he does.
Donald Trump comes up to him and says, "Please Your Holiness, can you help me with my hearing?"
The pope then placed his hands over Trump's ears and blessed him.
"Well that's all well and good," said Trump, "but my impeachment hearing's not till next month."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did Jesus say to the r**...?
Don't do anything till I get back
Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of £1.03 and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note.
She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change."
I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"
She sarcastically said " of course it would help"
So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?"
I said "Yes please!"
"How much?" She asked
I said "£18.97"
As a Christian I always take the holy bible into the bathroom to read
And I don't stop till all Acts are done
A Russian man is travelling across Britain
A Russian man is travelling across Britain , he pops to a corner shop and buys some British Snacks to try. He takes the food to the Till and the cashier says: that'll be £12,50 please. To which the Russian replies Vat?
Oh that's already taken care of mate.
I decided to go vegan after visiting the meat production factory.
The livestock conditions were appalling.
The process involving production of Meatballs and Salami was bad.
But wait till you see the one of German sausage. It was the wurst.
Edit : Sweden has already decided to bring in regulations. I'd say they are ahead of the korv.
