tighten Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious tighten puns

Dad there is something my boyfriend told me, that I didn't understand. He said that "I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

"Tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking from his exhaust pipe."

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A guy has a flat just outside of an insane asylum

He knows this and is nervous while changing the tire.

It doesn't help that one of the patients is watching him from the other side of the fence. The guy drops two of the lug nuts and can't find them. Starts to panic.

The patient speaks up: "Just tighten up the remaining two opposite from one another. Should last till you get to a gas station." The guy thinks about this, does so, and straightens up. "Pretty smart....uh, what are doing there ?" The patient replies "I'm here for being crazy, not being dumb."ο»Ώ

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A guy calls up his wife's doctor...

and asks "Is there any way you can tighten things up down there, cuz she's getting a little loose?"

The doctor says "Have you ever thought of using the other hole?"

The guy says "Are you crazy? I could get her pregnant!"

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With the situation in Ukraine...

Putin is giving a speech to his people
- My people, due Wests sanctions we'll need to tighten our belts and work harder!
Voice from the crowd:
- We will work two shifts!
- Thank you, you must be real patriot of our country! And we'll have to give up western goods and production!
- We will work three shifts!
- Such patriotism for country! By the way what's your occupation?
- I work at morgue...

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A plastic surgeon invented a new experimental facelift technique called The Dial.

It consisted of installing a dial on the top of the patients head that could be rotated to tighten the skin. A woman signs up for the procedure and every goes well until she returns to him a couple weeks later.

"Doctor, everything was going fine, but a few days ago I noticed that I was developing bags under my eyes."

The doctor sits the woman down and takes a look. A few minutes later he stands up and tells the women; "Ma'am, those arent bags under your eyes, those are you breasts.

With a surprised look on her face, she respond "Hmm, well that explains the goatee."

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A Girls First Time

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.

As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.

Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

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Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand."

The daughter asks her Dad, "Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand."
"He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

Her Dad said, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick"
"I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe."

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Three men were sentenced to death.

The day of their execution arrives, the first man was hanged but fortunately the rope loosens and he fells into the water below the platform. The same happens with the second man. It was now the turn of the third man, but before reaching to the pole he requests the person in charge, "You better tighten that rope of yours because I don't know how to swim."

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Two men are walking in the woods when they see a bear

One man bends down to tighten the laces on his shoes.

The other man looks at him and says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear!"

The first guy, while tying his shoes, replies, "I don't need to outrun the bear. I just need to outrun you."

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My mate reckons he can tighten nuts and bolts just by sitting on them.

Personally I think he torques out of his arse…

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Two Men are walking in the woods...

When they come upon a Grizzly Bear. The first man bends down quickly and begins to tighten shoelaces.

The second man says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"

As the first man begins to stretch he replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you."

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60yr old women Florida visits her plastic surgeon and says we gotta do something with this face, it's getting a bit saggy ??

Doc examines her and says I've got the perfect solution to this, we're gonna instal a dial in the back of your head and every time you're feeling a little loose in the face give the dial a quick tighten. She agrees and is very pleased.

Two months later she returns and says doc I've cranked the dial until it can't crank no more and I've got these huge bags under my eyes.

Doc examines her for a while and says Mrs those aren't bags under your eyes, those are your breasts and she replied; that would explain the unexpected goatee I'm wearing !!

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Oldie - -Communist China telegrams Soviet Russia

Communist China:
WE ARE OUT OF FOOD. SEND GRAIN

Soviet reply:
WE ARE ALSO OUT OF FOOD. TIGHTEN YOUR BELTS

Communist China:
SEND BELTS

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Honey you have spanner eyes...

Every time you look at me my nuts tighten.

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The sagging rope

Wanted to Teach my loose rope how to tighten itself but even after repeated attempts, the sagging rope could not be Taut.

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Hey girl, your face reminds me of a wrench.

Because every time I look at it my nuts tighten.

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I tighten my belt and i'm broke

I shoot heroine.

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What do you do then your woman is out of the kitchen?

You go tighten the leash.

sorry gals..

What is the difference between women and batteries?

Batteries have a plus side..

I'm done..

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Barack Obama is planning to tighten gun purchase loopholes by executive order this week.

Republicans are already planning to shoot it down.

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What are calories?

Little elves that tighten your waistband on your pants a little every night

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What are the most funny Tighten jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Tighten? Well, here are the best Tighten dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Tighten pick up lines to share with friends.

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