Tight Jokes
138 tight jokes and hilarious tight puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about tight that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article is about jokes that are so tight, they will make your sides hurt from laughter.
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Funniest Tight Short Jokes
Short tight jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The tight humour may include short strict jokes also.
- Your underwear is much too tight and very revealing, I said to my wife. She said, Wear your own then.
- Why do accordions make great travel companions? They’re always ready to squeeze into tight spaces.
- Did you hear about the Football player that went to Prison? He went in as a tight end, but left a wide receiver.
- A husband says to his wife: "I hate to tell you this but your swimming costume is very tight and revealing."
"Wear your own one then!" - sally and Jessica used to bond over being the only two virgins at their University... They don't see each other much anymore but they're still tight.
- This year, I tried to smoke a turkey. But I rolled it too tight and couldn't get the end lit.
- I told my girlfriend to start embracing her mistakes I never expected such a tight hug from anyone
- My financial adviser said I should be tight with my money. So when I got home I high-fived my wallet.
- My friend asked why I never used condoms I said, "My pull out game is superb and condoms are expensive. You gotta keep a tight budget when you have 14 kids."
- Swearing If you hear your parents swear, be afraid.
If you hear your teacher swear, be very afraid.
If you hear your priest swear...
stop squeezing so tight.
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Tight One Liners
Which tight one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with tight? I can suggest the ones about squeeze and slack.
- What end of the rope did Aaron Hernandez hang himself with? The tight end.
- How is a walrus like Tupperware? They're both looking for a tight seal.
- Did you hear about the gay football coach? He turns tight ends into wide receivers
- What does Mrs Claus get when she wears tight pants? A mistletoe.
- What do you call a Sikh on a tight rope Balan Singh.
- A tight end went to jail He came back a wide receiver
- Why do MMA fighters wear skin tight shorts? Cause otherwise, they'd be boxers!!!
- I like my women like i like my jeans... Skinny, tight, and ripped...
- Why did the dolphin go to the Tupperwear store? It was looking for a tight seal
- My Gf tried wearing tight jeans once. She just couldn't pull it off
- What's Aaron Hernandez's favorite part of a bed sheet? The tight end.
- What do a tupperware collector and an eskimo have in common? They both like a tight seal
- What do you call a couple of nuns and a blonde? Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
- What does a tight-rope walker eat for breakfast? A Balanced Diet!
- What kind of pants does a cave explorer wear? Stalac-tights
So Tight Jokes
Here is a list of funny so tight jokes and even better so tight puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- BREAKING NEWS: Patriots admit tim tebow hired by mistake. After tight end Aaron Hernandez request for white Bronco.
- Before his conviction, Aaron Hernandez was a tight end in the NFL. But since going to prison he's become a wide receiver.
- My mate Dave has changed a lot since his time in prison For a start he's not half as tight as he used to be.
- Why I avoid talks about sexuality with my dad. Me: " There are genes that effect the likelihood of someone being gay."
Dad: " Ya, especially the tight ones." - Proper diaper fitting If the baby's legs turn blue, it's too tight, if they turn brown, it's too loose.
- You know what they say about prison... You go in a tight end and come out a wide receiver
- What do you see when a woman in the Army wears her pants too tight? Camo toe.
- Why do men in tight pants remind me of a cheap hotel? No ball-room.
- I just got a ladder in my tights. I truly am a talented shoplifter
- My wife was having trouble breathing last night. I think I wasn't holding the pillow down tight enough.
Tight End Jokes
Here is a list of funny tight end jokes and even better tight end puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Darren Sharper was sentenced to 18 years in prison today. I hope he can still cover a tight end.
- Sometimes, like a quarterback, you have to make tough calls. You want to make a play with the tight end but have to end up throwing to the wide receiver.
- PSU Why do you all these young players seem to be coming in as tight ends and leaving as wide receivers?
- What's a gay man's favorite football position? Tight end.
- What's the first thing Aaron Hernandez learned in prison? He's not a tight end anymore ;)
- When Aaron Hernandez went to prison.... He was no longer a tight end.
- Aaron Herndandez came in this world destined to be a tight end... And left in one.
- Aaron Hernandez will be just fine They're always drafting tight ends in prison.
- Did you hear Aaron Hernandez killed himself in prison? I guess he couldn't Handle going from a tight end to a wide receiver after all...
- What does Aaron Hernandez and his victims have in common? They were both killed by tight ends.
Tight Rope Jokes
Here is a list of funny tight rope jokes and even better tight rope puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why can't anxious people walk on tight ropes? Because they're too high-strung.
Corny I know, but I wrote it myself and had to put it out there. - Why dont Egyptian Chefs do well in the circus? They always fal-afel off the tight rope.
- What do you call an orange on a tight rope? "A very stable genius"
- A midget falls of a tight rope... His life was short.
- What do you call a Russian tight-rope walker? An acroblyat.
Money Tight Jokes
Here is a list of funny money tight jokes and even better money tight puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Money is really tight this year... My family has decided that we are going to exchange glances for Christmas.
- My prison cell-mate just asked me if I was tight. Why does he care about how I spend my money?
- My girlfriend is really tight. She saves lots of money but spends it on nothing.
- We didn't have much growing up and money was tight. So when one day my dad found a crutch lying on the road, he came home and broke my leg.
Gather Around for Heartwarming Tight Jokes and Uplifting Humor
What funny jokes about tight you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean thin jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make tight pranks.
In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket...
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still couldn't!
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, still she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"
At this, the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
j**... Sandusky was actually a pretty successful coach...
... he turned many tight ends into wide receivers.
Money was a little tight, so I entered a pun writing contest...
I read the rules carefully, and it turns out that there was no limit on the amount of times you could enter, so I submitted ten separate entries.
I thought my chances were good, but I just looked at the contest winners to see if any of my entries won, and unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A tale of two young men
There is a young man walking a tight rope between two high rise buildings. In the same city, at the same time, there is another young man receiving o**... s**... from from a 80 year old woman. They both are thinking the exact same thing at the exact same time. What could it be?
DO NOT LOOK DOWN!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
two conceited people having s**......
...girl says "tight, huh?" guy replys "nah, just full"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Miniskirt
A small crowd gathers at a bus stop. A b**... blonde in a tight top and even tighter miniskirt shows up same time as the bus. Being a gentleman, a man lets her onto the bus first.
She goes to take her first step up the bus stairs, her legs are unable to take the step. The miniskirt was far too tight. Smiling apologetically to everyone, she reaches back to unzips the zipper a little. She attempts to step up the stairs, again, the skirt is still too tight. She reaches around her back, unzips the zipper a little. Smiling once more, she attempts to step up. Sigh, the skirt is still too tight, she reaches behind her a third time.
Two large hands grab her by the waist, lifting her up and placing her at the top of the steps. "Get your hands off me! How dare you touch me," she squealed.
"Ma'am, as much as I don't mind," the gentleman paused,"you were pulling down my zipper".
Joey the altar boy goes to confession and says...
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.
"Well, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two guys in a village
Two guys in a village are hanging out and one says: Man, I tried the other hole with my wife last night. It was really tight, but awesome. Have you tried it?
His friend says: Oh man, we don't use that hole anymore, she kept getting pregnant.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I used to play football for j**... Sandusky.
I started out as a tight end but finished the season as a wide receiver.
How would it be living in an only men city?
I think it would be tight at first, but then it would loosen up after a while.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Grandma's Are Walking Down The Street...
One says to the other 'My chest is tight, and I feel heavy'. The other one replies 'That's because you're standing on your left t**....'.
A man takes his dog to a vet...
A man takes his dog to a vet because it has too much hair in its ears and is having trouble hearing. The vet suggests using nair hair removal cream to remove the large portion of hair from its ears.
So the man goes to a pharmacy and asks for some nair hair removal cream. Then at the counter, the pharmacist says, "ok if this is for your legs, don't wear any tight pants for a few days".
The man says, "its not for my legs".
The pharmacist then says, "ok if it's for your underarms, don't wear any tight shirts for a few days".
The man says, "its not for my underarms". The pharmacist then asks, "what is it for then?"
"It's for my schnauzer. "
Then don't ride your bike for a few days.
My Dad told me this one tonight
What do tupperware and walruses have in common? They both like a tight seal
The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind....
The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?
Yes, I know, said the lady, I need both hands to hold onto this hat. But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed! said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Black guy and Jewish Genie
A black man is walking along the beach one day, when he finds a bottle. He picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Jewish Genie.
"I vill grant you 3 vishes"
Without hesitating, the man says "I wanna be White, Tight, and out of sight!"
*p**...*
He turns into a t**... ....
What's the moral of the story?
You never get anything from a Jew, without a string attached.
Football with a blonde girlfriend
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do Eskimos and Tupperware have in common?
They both like tight seals!!!!!!!!!! Hahahahahahaha, get it? Aaahahahhahaha. THEY BOTH LIKE TIGHT SEALS!!!!!!!!!!! Hahahahhhaaaahad. I need to stop drinking.
What do Brooklyn and tight jeans have in common?
Flatbush.
Why are rosary beads so small?
Because altar boys are really tight.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's j**... Sandusky's favorite football position?
Tight end
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So I was f**... this girl, she said put 2 in so I did.
She said put your whole hand in so I did, next she demanded the other hand so I obliged. Finally she said "now clap your hands" I said "I can't" to which she replied "Pretty tight huh?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How to explain to your parents that you are a p**...
Hey mom, remember when I said I was tight for money? Now I'm loose for money.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good circle of tight friends.
When prom came, seven was alone and bitter. Of all his achievements, not one helped him land a date. Then six came in with his +1. Filled to the brim with jealousy, seven spread rumors that 6 and 9 were performing unspeakable acts. Six was alone again.
While walking to class, six saw seven with six's former +1 and averted his eyes. As they passed by eachother, seven whispered into six's ear "now, we're even".
Limericks by Jenny
There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!
The Priest and the Altar Boy
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed Father.' 'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four month's vacation and five excellent Leads.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife told me to kiss her like if we were in a soap opera
I hugged her tight, kissed her with passion and then slapped her because how dare she?!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Angel
Lawrence: Mom do you know that our maid is an angel? Mom: Why do you think so?
Lawrence: I saw her n**... today with her hands on the wall screaming "Oh my God I'm coming!!..if it wasn't for Dad that was holding her tight from behind, she would have gone to heaven..
A deeply in love boy says to his girlfriend ...
"I might not be rich, nor have any money or expensive apartments, and even not be the owner of many companies like my friend Jack, but i love you, and i always will"
She, hugging him tight and already crying answered :
" If you really love me, will you introduce me to your friend Jack please ? "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A women tells her lover to "Put two fingers in." So he does...
Then she says, "put your hand in." So he does.
Then she says, "Put your other hand in." So he does.
Then she says, "Now clap." And he says, "I can't".
And she says proudly, "Tight, huh?"
Bought myself a really tight fit bomber jacket the other day
But once I had got it on it wouldnt go off...
Why does Helen Keller wear tight jeans?
So people can read her lips.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Kissing lead to foreplay...
She liked it when I used one finger,
She: "Now use two fingers"
Me: "Yeah you like that?"
She: "Now stick your hand in..."
Me: "Oh babe, you're k**..."
She: "Two hands now..."
Me: 😦"okay...."
She: "Now clap...
Me: "I can't..."
She: 😏 "I'm tight, right?"
What do belts and woman have in common?
It gets tight when you get into the wrong hole.
The Alabama Senate elections are in! And even though it was tight,
Roy Moore came in a little behind.
I have a great deal of very tight boxer briefs.
I buy them in XS.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did I ever tell you the story of when I met the woman with the tightest v**... ever?
She was bragging about it at a bar.
I told her I didn't believe her and to prove it.
She took me to her car and said, "Put a finger in" so I did.
Then she said "Put another finger in" so I did.
Then she said "Put your hand in" so I did.
Then she said "Put your other hand in" so I did that too.
The she said "Now clap" and I said "I CAN'T"
And she said "Tight ain't I ?"
Why does superman wear tight shirt?
Because it's sized "S"
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The last batch of s**... b**... were very tight knit.
They used to sing together, dance together, laugh together. True brethren. At the end they had a blast doing their job.
Finding a woman sobbing because she had locked her keys in the car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.
She watches amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.
"That's so clever!" the woman exclaims. "How did you do that?"
"Easy," replied the soldier, "These are my khakis."
By tightly securing our Nuclear Arsenal through human, digital, mechanical and chemical means, we've been able to almost completely eliminate the risk of nuclear warhead explosions due to accidents or hostile attacks, however if these past four years have taught us something ...
... it's that we also need to equip our nukes with child locks.
What happens if you tighten a Bolt too much?
You bust a Nut
I gave my friend a really tight sports bra as a going away present.
It was just my way of saying spanks for the mammaries.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped. "Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but...
...he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse.
"That's amazing!!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the h**... are you doing that?!"
The first caterpillar scoffs.
"Am I the only one in the whole d**... forest who knows how to drive a stick!?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Men drinking at a bar
Man 1: said to his friend I want to go home; I want to take off my wife's p**....
Man 2: asked Why? Because you want to have s**... with your wife?
Man 1: answered No! I want to go home and take it off cause it's too tight for me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm not saying my wife is tight f**... with money..
But I had to join her only fans to see her n**... .
What's the difference between an oak tree and a tight shoe?
One makes acorns, the other makes corns ache.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two caterpillars are escaping a spider...
They climb up a small branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.
"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and finesse.
"That's amazing!" says the second caterpillar. "How are you doing that?!"
The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the *only one* in the whole d**... forest who knows how to drive a stick?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a hard s**... and a gentle pat?
One's a tight slap, the other's a slight tap.
A German butcher and a Polish butcher started a competition...
...to see who could make the longest continuous chain of sausage links in one hour.
It was a tight competitions; both men take pride in their craft and in their sausage-slinging heritage. The two were neck-in-neck up until the 59th minute, wherein the Polish butcher had a slip of the hand and split his last sausage asunder. When the scraps finally settled, the Polish butcher had managed 120 links and the German managed 121.
Naturally, the German butcher won, because he went a frank further.
