tight Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious tight puns

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign... [NSFW]

It reads: Toasted Sandwiches- $2, Handjobs- $5.

He approaches the bar and sees a stunning large breasted, tight waisted blonde goddess serving.

He asks her, "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

She leans towards him, resting her breasts on the bar and says, "Why, yes I am." With a wink.

To which he replies: "Well go and wash your fucking hands before you make my sandwich!"

👍🏼

What end of the rope did Aaron Hernandez hang himself with?

The tight end.

👍🏼

The bravest thing I ever did

I went to a Transgender Alliance Support Meeting.

I waited over an hour to speak.

Heard all the stories.

Finally it was my turn.

"Sometimes I feel like a man trapped in a woman's body" I said.

Everyone nodded.

"That's how tight my girlfriends pussy is."

👍🏼

How is a walrus like Tupperware?

They're both looking for a tight seal.

👍🏼

Anal invitation

"Let's go to your place." Said a fat girl.

"I would love to, but i don't have any lubricant"

"I don't think it's necessary, i'm not that tight" says the girl while smiling.

"Maybe you're not, but my door is."

👍🏼

My wife told me to kiss her like if we were in a soap opera

I hugged her tight, kissed her with passion and then slapped her because how dare she?!

👍🏼

I had a dream..

Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "Those they gave away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

👍🏼

What do a horny walrus and a tupperware container have in common?

They're both looking for a tight seal.

👍🏼

Why did The Walrus go to a Tupperware party?

He wanted to find a tight seal.

👍🏼

Wife had a dream she was at a Dick auction.

She told her husband about, "The big ones were going for $100 and the small ones were $1."

"How much did mine go for?" He askes. "There were no bidders." She replied.

The next morning the husband tells his wife "I had a crazy dream I was at a pussy auction, the tight ones were going for $100 and the loose ones were a dollar."

"How much did mine go for?" she asked.

"That's where we had the auction!"

👍🏼

What do tight pants and a cheap hotel have in common?

No ballroom.

👍🏼

Dicks and Cunts

Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "Those they gave away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

👍🏼

What did the left pussy lip say to the right pussy lip?

Girl, we used to be so tight until we let some dick come between us.

👍🏼

there's a walrus walking down the street.

A man stops and asks him" where the hell you goin?" The walrus said" to a Tupperware party." The man, bewildered, asked " Why?" To which the walrus replied " heard I might find a tight seal."

👍🏼

What do a walrus and a ziploc bag have in common?

They both like a tight seal.

👍🏼

Auctions

Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "Those they gave away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off vaginas. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

👍🏼

What did the 0 say to the 8?

Why is your belt so tight?

👍🏼

TIL that my Head & Shoulders shampoo's proven HydraZinc formula fights dandruff from the first wash, removing visible flakes and residues, relieving dryness and tight scalp, and leaving my hair smelling great.

I also learned not to forget my phone when I take a shit

👍🏼

Limericks by Jenny

There was a young woman named Jenny

Whose limericks were not worth a penny.

Oh, the rhyme was all right,

And the meter was tight,

But whenever she tried to write any,

She always wrote one line too many!

👍🏼

Why did the walrus go to the tupperware party?

Because he was looking for a tight seal. ;)

👍🏼

Did you hear about the gay football coach?

He turns tight ends into wide receivers

👍🏼

NSFW What do you say when you meet a German virgin for the first time?

Guden Tight

👍🏼

[NSFW] Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks.

..The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "Those they gave away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

👍🏼

Tight pants are like a cheap hotel...

No ball room

👍🏼

I was sitting on a bus in Thailand across from a beautiful young lady. My shorts were a little tight and I was thinking, don't get a boner, don't get a boner...

But she did.

👍🏼

I Screwed Your Mom

A young guy is sitting at the bar when an old drunk stumbles in, sits down next to him, and says, "I just screwed your mom." The young guy ignores him, but a few minutes later the old drunk leans over again and says, "Your mom is the best screw I've ever had." The young guy ignores him again, so the old drunk leans over and says, "You're mom's ass is so tight, I-" at which point the young man stood up and yelled, "GO HOME DAD, YOU'RE DRUNK."

👍🏼

WALLET SCAM WARNING! (British audience would
understand better)

In ASDA, whilst packing shopping into the car, you may be approached by 2 fit 18 year old Eastern European girls in tight, tiny tops. They wash your screen with their tits up against the window and ask for a lift to the next ASDA as payment. On the way they will strip down and perform oral sex on each other. One will then climb into the front and suck you off while the other attempts to steal your wallet! I had mine stolen last Thursday Friday, Saturday, Twice on Sunday and once again today so BE CAREFUL!


P.S. - You can buy wallets for 99p at Poundstretchers.

👍🏼

Miniskirt

A small crowd gathers at a bus stop. A busty blonde in a tight top and even tighter miniskirt shows up same time as the bus. Being a gentleman, a man lets her onto the bus first.

She goes to take her first step up the bus stairs, her legs are unable to take the step. The miniskirt was far too tight. Smiling apologetically to everyone, she reaches back to unzips the zipper a little. She attempts to step up the stairs, again, the skirt is still too tight. She reaches around her back, unzips the zipper a little. Smiling once more, she attempts to step up. Sigh, the skirt is still too tight, she reaches behind her a third time.

Two large hands grab her by the waist, lifting her up and placing her at the top of the steps. "Get your hands off me! How dare you touch me," she squealed.

"Ma'am, as much as I don't mind," the gentleman paused,"you were pulling down my zipper".

👍🏼

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good circle of tight friends.

When prom came, seven was alone and bitter. Of all his achievements, not one helped him land a date. Then six came in with his +1. Filled to the brim with jealousy, seven spread rumors that 6 and 9 were performing unspeakable acts. Six was alone again.

While walking to class, six saw seven with six's former +1 and averted his eyes. As they passed by eachother, seven whispered into six's ear "now, we're even".

👍🏼

The Priest and the Altar Boy

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed Father.' 'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four month's vacation and five excellent Leads.'

👍🏼

In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket...



As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, still she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this, the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

👍🏼

How to explain to your parents that you are a prostitute

Hey mom, remember when I said I was tight for money? Now I'm loose for money.

👍🏼

Football with a blonde girlfriend

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

👍🏼

A man takes his dog to a vet...

A man takes his dog to a vet because it has too much hair in its ears and is having trouble hearing. The vet suggests using nair hair removal cream to remove the large portion of hair from its ears.

So the man goes to a pharmacy and asks for some nair hair removal cream. Then at the counter, the pharmacist says, "ok if this is for your legs, don't wear any tight pants for a few days".

The man says, "its not for my legs".

The pharmacist then says, "ok if it's for your underarms, don't wear any tight shirts for a few days".

The man says, "its not for my underarms". The pharmacist then asks, "what is it for then?"

"It's for my schnauzer. "

Then don't ride your bike for a few days.

👍🏼

Joey the altar boy goes to confession and says...

‎'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

👍🏼

What are the most funny Tight jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Tight? Well, here are the best Tight dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Tight pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes