Ties Jokes
98 ties jokes and hilarious ties puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about ties that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Ties Short Jokes
Short ties jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The ties humour may include short tics jokes also.
- My daughters boyfriend still doesn't know how to tie his shoe... Every time I walk in her room that's all she's doing.
- "Proud Boys" should change their name, to avoid being tied to PRIDE events... ... to something like "Reigning Men."
- I was invited to a party... 'Black tie only' was written on the invitation card. When I got there, I noticed that other people worn shirts and pants, too.
- I think winning the war on drugs is impossible. I struggle just to tie my shoelaces on drugs.
- How does an ant put on a tie? With a considerable deal of practice and skill and the correct combination of knots in the tie so it can properly be secured on the neck. It's an ant-tie joke.
- What do you call a clever, socially awkward, bisexual hippie with fancy neckwear who streams Star-Trek? A shy, wry, bi guy in a fly tie and tie dye watching sci-fi on wifi.
Credits: my bud - A lot of people are up in arms about the Olympians caught taking drugs to compete. Honestly I'm proud of them, and what they can do. Last time I did drugs I could barely tie my shoe.
- I bought a shirt and some neckwear from Ebay that used to belong to the guy from the Mamas & the Papas All the sleeves are brown and the tie is gray
- As companies continue to cut ties with Kanye West... Compass maker INMARK has also decided to drop West from their product line, leaving users lost and confused.
- What's all the fuss about Donald Trump's Russian Ties? I know for a fact that all his Ties are made in China.
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Ties One Liners
Which ties one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with ties? I can suggest the ones about ting and tees.
- And the award for best neckwear goes to... huh, well would you look at that. It was a tie
- Two silk worms are in a wrestling match It ended in a tie.
- Two silk worms were in a race... It ended in a tie.
- I once tied all my watches to my belt Until I realised it was just a waist of time
- They say being a hostage is hard But I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
- Two silkworms had a race... They ended up in a tie.
- There are only two outcomes in a knot-tying competition. Win or loose.
- What do you call 4 sheep tied to a fence in Wales? A Brothel :D
- And the best neckwear award goes to.... Oh wait!!! It's a tie.
- Two silkworms got into a race. They ended up in a tie.
- AND THE AWARD FOR THE BEST NECKWEAR IS... ...oh, it's a tie
- Did you know that if you tie $100 bills to your belt... it's a waist of money?
- What do u call a fish with a bow tie? So*fish*ticated
- What do you call a fish wearing a tie? So-FISH-ticated
;) - What do you call an Asian with only one leg? Tie won shoo
Zip Ties Jokes
Here is a list of funny zip ties jokes and even better zip ties puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What does Bruce Willis say when he finds the zip ties? Zippy tie-yay motherf***er.
Laughable Ties Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
What funny jokes about ties you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean tons jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make ties pranks.
So a string walks into a bar...
and the bartender says to him, "Hey no strings allowed. Get out!" So he goes out side, messes himself up, ties himself up, and goes back in. The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that string from earlier?" "Nope. I'm a frayed knot."
Jewish Business
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was trudging through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried towards it, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5"
The Taliban shouted, "Infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie! I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK, OK" said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead, and said "Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"
String
A piece of string walks into a bar and takes a seat.
The bartender says to the piece of string "We don't serve your kind around here!" and kicks the string out of the bar.
The string gathers his composure, messes his hair up, and ties himself in a knot. He then resumes his seat at the bar.
The bartender says "Hey, aren't you that piece of string I just kicked out?"
The string replies "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
A guy escape from prision
A man escapes from prison, where he sat for the last 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
However, the only thing he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. Then he ties the young woman on the bed, comes on top of her and kisses her on her neck. Then he gets up and goes to the bathroom.
While he is there, the husband whispers to his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes. He probably long in jail and all those years not seen a woman. I saw how he kissed you on your neck. If he wants s**..., do not go against him, do not complain and make him happy. He is dangerous and if he gets angry, he'll kill us both! Be strong honey, I love you!
"The young woman replied:" He kissed me on my neck. He whispered in my ear. He told me he was gay, that he really liked you and asked if there was some Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you ... "
A preacher is reaching....
...the end of his sermon. He tells the congregation "Now for next week, I need everyone to read Leviticus chapter 28. It ties into my sermon" A week passes. The preacher reached the pulpit and asked "How many of you read Leviticus chapter 28?" Everyone raised their hands. The preacher looked and said "Ladies and gentlemen, there is no 28th chapter to Leviticus. Now let me start my sermon on lying."
That's some solid advice!
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jailand hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s**..., don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too.
A rope walks into a bar...
And orders and drink. The bartender says," We don't serve ropes here." So the rope goes outside, frays his ends, and ties himself into a knot. He comes back in and once again orders a drink. The bartender says,"Aren't you that rope I just turned down?" To which the rope replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
A piece of string walks into a bar
A piece of string walks into a bar and walks up to the counter.
The bartender says, "Sorry mate, we don't serve pieces of string in here, get lost."
Upset, the piece of string walks out the door. A sudden thought strikes him. He ties himself in a knot and messes his hair up.
He walks back into the bar and approaches the counter. The bartender says, "Oi, aren't you that piece of string from before...?"
"No," says the piece of string, "I'm a frayed knot."
So this piece of rope walks into a bar...
...and he tries to order a drink, the bartender says, "We don't serve your kind roun' here!" The piece of rope walks outside, ties himself in half a couple times, rubs himself in the dirt and drags his edges. He walks back into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Hey! Ain't you that same piece of rope?!" The piece of rope says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot!"
A rope walks into a bar....
...and the bartender says, "we don't serve ropes here."
So the rope walks outside, ties himself into a knot, and frays the end. He then walks back inside.
The bartender says, "Didn't I tell you we don't serve your kind? Weren't you just in here?"
The rope replies, "No, I'm afraid not."
Piece of rope walks into a gas station..
and tries to buy a gatorade, the clerk looks the rope up and down then sniffs and says "we dont serve your kind in here!". So the rope leaves, but determined to get his drink ties himself into a knot and frays his ends. He goes back in and the smae clerk looks at him and says "You a rope?" the rope replies "Frayed knot!".
A piece of rope walks into a bar.....
The bartender says, "hey, we don't serve your kind here. Now get out!" The piece of rope leaves, but it's determined to get a drink, so it starts rolling on the ground, ties itself up and splits it's ends. Looking beat up, the rope walks back into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at the rope and says, "hey, aren't you that piece of rope that I just kicked out of here?" The rope looks at the bartender and says, "nope, I'm a frayed knot."
EPA members turn to prayer
After successfully cutting ties to science, the EPA is now turning to prayer, seeking new answers to today's environmental issues
A piece of rope walks into a bar...
Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve rope here"
Rope walks outside, frizzes up his hair, and ties himself in a knot, and walks back into the bar.
Bartender says "Hey, aren't you the same piece of rope that I just kicked out of here?"
Rope says "No, I'm a frayed knot"
A string walks into a bar
A string walks into a bar and says "bartender, bartender give me a beer"
The bartender replies "We don't serve strings here"
The string walks outside messes up his hair, ties himself in a knot and walks back into the bar and says "bartender, bartender give me a beer"
The bartender asks " aren't you the same string that was just in here?"
The string replies "I'm afraid not" (a frayed knot)
Man goes into a hardware store...
Says to the shopkeeper, "Can I have a roll of masking tape and some zip ties"
Shopkeeper smiles knowingly, "I'm sorry, thanks to the 50 Shades of Gray film we're out of stock"
The man winces and replies, "OK, just give me a chainsaw and some bin bags"
An escaped prisoner enters a house...
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s**..., don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
A piece of string walks into a bar...
The bartender says, "We don't serve no scrawny pieces of string in here."
The piece of string leaves, goes around back, ties himself up, ruffles his hair and re-enters the bar.
The bartender says, "Say aren't you that sorry piece of string that I told to beat it?"
The string replies, "frayed knot."
A Jewish man is turning 40 years old...
So his mother decides to send him 2 neckties. On his birthday, she calls him.
"Happy Birthday, son!" "Thanks, mom." Replies the man.
"Did you get the ties I sent you?" Asks his mother. "Yes," says the man, "in fact I'm wearing one right now." "So what's wrong with the other one?"
My new b**... equipment really ties the room together.
After Iran and Saudi Arabia cut ties Iranians stopped praying towards Mecca
... all their prayers are going to go to Spam anyway
A piece of rope walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind around here." The rope walks out back, ties himself up, and unravels his ends. The rope walks back into the bar. The bartender says, "Aren't you that rope that was just in here a minute ago?" The rope says, "Nope. I'm a frayed knot."
Looks like the UK didn't read the fine print when cutting off ties with the EU...
You Brexit, you bought it.
A piece of string...
walks in to a bar and orders a drink. The Bartender says "sorry we don't serve your kind in here".
The piece of string walks outside and ties himself in a knot and ruffles his hair up before walking back to the bar.
"Weren't you the string I just served?" said the bar man.
"No, I'm afraid not" replied the string.
A rope walks into a bar...
The bartender says, "get out, we don't serve ropes here." So the rope leaves, loosens up its end bits, and ties its self up. The rope then walks back into the bar and the bartender says, "aren't you the same rope I just told to get out of here?" And the rope says, "nope, I'm a frayed knot."
A rope walks into a bar ...
A rope walks into a bar, sits down, orders a drink. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, we don't serve your kind here."
Dejected, the rope leaves. Outside he ties himself into a knot, frays his ends, and walks back into the bar. The bartender stops him and says, "Hey! Aren't you that rope I just sent out of here?"
To which the rope replies, "No. I'm a frayed knot."
If a black guy ties his dad to a large boomerang and throws them away
will they return?
A piece of string walks into a bar...
and tries to order a drink.
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve pieces of string here"
The string goes back outside, ties himself up, and messes up his hair.
The string goes back into the bar and orders again.
The bartender asks, "Aren't you that piece of string?"
"No," says the string, "I'm a frayed knot"
A Texan cowboy was walking down the road
When a little old lady walked up to him and asked, "Are you one of those cowboys every body talks about?"
"Why yes ma'am I am." He replied
"The ones who ride around on horses and herd cattle?" She continued.
"Yes ma'am I am."
"The kind who ties up those calves and brands them?" She inquired
"Yes ma'am I am"
Obviously displeased she scowled at him and said "Well you ought to be hung!"
The cowboy smiled and replied,
"Yes ma'am I am."
With Vladimir Putin so eager to restore ties, I think the U.S and Russia should form one country.
We can call it The United States of Soviet Russia! USSR for short.
Just had to cut ties with the girl I was dating after I found out we both wanted different things.
She wanted a relationship and I wanted a better looking girlfriend.
Hey, how does h**... ties his shoes?
in little n**...
Apparently other than the russian ties, another interesting revelation was released about Trump.
He loves trickle-down economics.
My New Years Resolution was to cut all my old ties, so that is exactly what I did.
But now I have a meeting and need to buy a new one to wear.
This was my grandpa's favorite joke: why don't elephants wear ties?
Because then they'd be called Elegants !
A string walks into a bar...
And orders a beer. The bartender tells him "We don't serve your kind here." The string walks outside and ties himself in a knot and separates his strands.
He walks back inside and orders a beer. The bartender asks him "Hey, didn't I tell you we don't serve your kind here?"
To which the string replies "I'm a frayed knot."
Support the Prez
Dollar General announced their support for the president. They will now carry the full line of Trump Russian Ties,
A rope orders a drink...
But the bartender says, "We don't serve ropes here."
The rope goes outside, ties himself up, unravels one end, and goes back inside.
"Hey, aren't you that rope?" Says the bartender.
The rope shakes his head, "I'm frayed knot."
A piece of string walks into a bar...
And the bartender kicks him out while yelling "I don't serve your kind in here, string!" The string really wanted a drink though, so he bent over and rubbed his head on the ground for a bit. Then he ties himself in a bow and walks back inside. The bartender sees him and immediately starts yelling "Aren't you that same string I just kicked out?!" To which the string replies "No sir, I'm a frayed knot".
My therapist told me that if I have a problem with somebody, I should sever ties with them.
My coworker just asked me what I was doing to his clip-on.
I called the s**... hotline today
Now homeland security is investigating my ties to ISIS.
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer
The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."
The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.
The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"
The string says, "Nope, I'm afraid not."
Despite Trump's recent push to bring manufacturing jobs to the U,S., where are most of his Signature Series ties made?
Tieland
I don't wear ties
I wear wins
I don't understand why people keep going after Trump for Russian ties
All of his ties are made in China, just look at the label!
Why do supervisors wear ties?
To keep their f**... from rolling up over their heads.
This is apparently a really old joke. A 58 y/o coworker told me this one, thought it was hilarious!
You can never win
So, the Jewish guy gets two ties from his mom for his birthday.
A couple of weeks later his mom comes for a visit, and he decides to wear one of his ties as a thank you gesture.
He opens the door when she knocks on the door, and the first thing his mom says:
"What's wrong with the other tie?"
Don't you love it when you get beautiful texts from someone that cares about you?
So eloquently written, it ties your stomach in knots. Writing so succinct and captivating it gets your heart pounding and racing. Using words that convey such great ideas. I got one like that one today. It read
"Ballistic missile threat inbound to Hawaii. Seek immediate shelter. This is not a drill."
Truly powerful words. They **blew** me away
What do these things have in common; chapstick, pencils, pens, hair ties, nail clippers, and socks?
They all almost never lose a game of hide and seek.
There are no winners or losers in Thailand...
just ties.
The doorman at a bar refuses a patron entry because dress code requires a tie be worn.
So the patron goes back to his car and pulls a set of booster cables from the trunk, ties it around his neck like and tie and returns to the doorman.
The doorman says. "OK, that will work, but you better not start anything".
A string walks into a bar and the bartender points to a sign that says "no strings allowed".
A string walks into a bar and the bartender points to a sign that says "no strings allowed".
So the string goes outside, ties himself up, messes up his hair and comes back into the bar. The bartender yells "aren't you that string I just kicked out?" The string replies "I'm a frayed knot!"
3 strings walk into a bar.
The first one orders a drink.
The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here."
So the second string ties itself into a bow and proceeds to order a drink.
"Nope", says the bartender, "you're a string."
Then the third string ties itself into a knot and frays each end, then orders a drink.
The bartender eyes the string up and down and says, "Aren't you a string?"
And the string says, "Frayed knot!"
My uncle managed to get me a ticket for the i**..., b**... convention.
Not the first time I've used family ties.
A robber breaks into a house where two people are just finishing having s**....
The robber ties the man and woman up. He starts looking around the room for valubles. When he doesn't find any, the robber asks the man
"Where's the good stuff!"
The man replies, "I'll tell you, just untie her and let her go."
Robber: "you love your wife that much huh?"
The man: "No, that's my neighbors wife, mine's on her way home!"
Why womanizer exists
" A man is like a shoe laces, he goes through many holes before he ties the knot"
-KING LEO
A guy visits his favorite d**...
He puts his money on the bedside table and says I've been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.
She makes him s**... and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom.
Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.
She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he wriggles in anticipation, the bed posts break and his arms come free.
Don't worry, I can fix this he says, as he runs out to his car. He returns in a few minutes with some tools and gets to work.
In a few minutes the bedposts are fixed.
He looks admiringly at his handiwork and beams.
Good as new, mistress!
She says This sub really loves reposts.
Puma has created a smart shoe that ties itself via an app on your phone.
Clever idea, but I feel devices like these lack sole.
A piece of string walks into a bar.
The bartender says, I'm sorry, we don't serve your kind here.
Hearing that, the piece of string walks out, parts its hair, ties it up, combs it, and walks back into the bar.
The bartender asks, Didn't you just walk in here?
The piece of string says, I'm a frayed knot.
A robber breaks into a house to see a n**... couple at it......
He quickly ties them up at gunpoint and goes around the whole house collecting all the valuables, when the t**... man pleads "Please untie her and let her go, you can keep me t**... for as long as you want"
"Do u love you your wife that much? "
"No!" sighs the man "she's the neighbours wife........... it's nearly time for my wife to return from work!!"
I cut ties with someone who was dragging me down...
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard
It said :"Only black ties" on the wedding invitation card.
But when I arrived, I saw people wearing suits too.
A string gets t**...
A string walks into a classroom. The teacher sees the string, then ties it between two posts tightly. Did the teacher do a good job teaching?
Yes, because the string was taut.
A string walks into a bar...
The bartender says, I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here.
The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.
The bartender squints at him and says, Hey, aren't you a string?
The string says, Nope, I'm a frayed knot.
Here's a classic jewish joke.
A mother brings her son two new ties as a birthday gift for her adult son. Later, in the evening the two meet for dinner and the son is wearing one of the ties. His mother takes one look at him and says, You didn't like the other tie?
Why was the dog put on the No Fly list?
It had ties to suspected terrier organizations
A rope walks into a bar and orders a beer
The bartender says we don't serve ropes at this bar, you gotta leave.
The rope goes into the parking lot and messes his hair up and ties himself into a box knot.
He goes back inside and orders another beer.
The bartender says, aren't you the rope that was just in here?
The rope replied I'm afraid not.
A string walks into a bar.
The bartender goes, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here." The string walks out all sad and defeated, then has a great idea. He ties himself in a bow, cuts off his ends to look all pretty, and struts back into the bar.
The bartender looks at him and goes, "Hey, aren't you that string I turned away before?" and the string goes, "Nope! I'm a frayed knot!"
No tie, no entry
Guy decides to go to a swanky new nightclub. He gets to the door and the bouncer stops him. "You have to have a tie to get in".
Guy goes back to his car to see if he has a tie laying around. No dice. So he takes his jumper cables and ties them around his neck.
Goes back to the door, bouncer looks him over, says "ok, you can go in, just don't start anything ".
A piece of string walks into a bar
and walks up to the counter.
The bartender says, "Sorry mate, we don't serve pieces of string in here, get lost."
Upset, the piece of string walks out the door. A sudden thought strikes him. He ties himself in a knot and messes his hair up.
He walks back into the bar and approaches the counter. The bartender says, "Oi, aren't you that piece of string from before...?"
"No," says the piece of string, "I'm a frayed knot."
So a rope walks into a bar
The bartender says "we don't serve your kind. "
The rope leaves, parts it's head and ties up his chest before entering the bar.
The rope enters again.
The bartender asks "aren't you the same rope? "
The rope says "well I'm a frayed knot. "
A rope walks into a bar
A rope walks into a bar.
The bartender says we don't serve your kind here and the rope walks out, ties himself up and messes with his hair
He walks back in and the bartender says Hey didn't we just serve you he says the the rope
I'm a frayed knot.
Did you hear about the tortilla factory that had ties to the mob?
Turns out it was a shell company.
So a cowboy parks his horse at the saloon, ties him to the outside, kisses him on the a**..., and walks in to have a stiff drink.
The bar keeper saw this happen, and he just had to ask. "Why'd ya kiss your horse on the a**... before coming in? You got s**... all over your lips!" The cowboy, cool as can be, takes a stiff drink before answering. "It's 'cuz I got chapped lips." The bartender was even more confused; "Horse manure helps with chapped lips?"
"Nah," says the cowboy. "But it keeps me from lickin' 'em"
I own amazing ties, wanna know where they're made?
Tieland.
I put a hammock up between two walls in my house
It really ties the room together.
I finally cut ties with a so-called friend that was just dragging me down
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard."
A rope walks into a bar
He walks up and takes a seat at the bar stool and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender tells him, "Sorry we don't serve ropes around here". So the rope leaves and tries a second place. He takes a seat and once again is told that the place doesn't serve ropes. Frustrated the rope cuts himself up a bit and ties himself up in knots. The next night the rope tries at a new place. The bartender asks him "Hey you're not a rope are you?" To which the rope responds "No I'm a Frayed Knot"
Three pieces of string walk into a bar.
String 1 asks for a drink for himself and one for each of his friends.
The barman says, 'We don't serve pieces of string here.'
So, string 1 goes back to his friends and says, 'They don't serve strings here'.
Then string 2 tries but gets the same result.
So string 3 gets up, ties himself around the middle, and he pulls his ends out. And he proceeds to order drinks.
The barman says, 'here, aren't you one of those pieces of string?'
And the piece of string, he says, 'No, 'I'm a frayed knot.'
From ***Neverwhere*** by Neil Gaiman
I was discharged from the police academy for refusing to wear anything except Delta hats, Boeing ties, and JetBlue shirts.
I just wanted to be a plane-clothes cop.
