Tied Up Jokes
78 tied up jokes and hilarious tied up puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about tied up that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Tied Up Short Jokes
Short tied up jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The tied up humour may include short tied jokes also.
- My daughters boyfriend still doesn't know how to tie his shoe... Every time I walk in her room that's all she's doing.
- "Proud Boys" should change their name, to avoid being tied to PRIDE events... ... to something like "Reigning Men."
- I was invited to a party... 'Black tie only' was written on the invitation card. When I got there, I noticed that other people worn shirts and pants, too.
- I think winning the war on drugs is impossible. I struggle just to tie my shoelaces on drugs.
- How does an ant put on a tie? With a considerable deal of practice and skill and the correct combination of knots in the tie so it can properly be secured on the neck. It's an ant-tie joke.
- What do you call a clever, socially awkward, bisexual hippie with fancy neckwear who streams Star-Trek? A shy, wry, bi guy in a fly tie and tie dye watching sci-fi on wifi.
Credits: my bud - A lot of people are up in arms about the Olympians caught taking drugs to compete. Honestly I'm proud of them, and what they can do. Last time I did drugs I could barely tie my shoe.
- I bought a shirt and some neckwear from Ebay that used to belong to the guy from the Mamas & the Papas All the sleeves are brown and the tie is gray
- As companies continue to cut ties with Kanye West... Compass maker INMARK has also decided to drop West from their product line, leaving users lost and confused.
- What's all the fuss about Donald Trump's Russian Ties? I know for a fact that all his Ties are made in China.
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Tied Up One Liners
Which tied up one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with tied up? I can suggest the ones about tangled up and tying.
- And the award for best neckwear goes to... huh, well would you look at that. It was a tie
- Two silk worms are in a wrestling match It ended in a tie.
- Two silk worms were in a race... It ended in a tie.
- I once tied all my watches to my belt Until I realised it was just a waist of time
- They say being a hostage is hard But I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
- Two silkworms had a race... They ended up in a tie.
- There are only two outcomes in a knot-tying competition. Win or loose.
- What do you call 4 sheep tied to a fence in Wales? A Brothel :D
- And the best neckwear award goes to.... Oh wait!!! It's a tie.
- Two silkworms got into a race. They ended up in a tie.
- AND THE AWARD FOR THE BEST NECKWEAR IS... ...oh, it's a tie
- Did you know that if you tie $100 bills to your belt... it's a waist of money?
- What do u call a fish with a bow tie? So*fish*ticated
- What do you call a fish wearing a tie? So-FISH-ticated
;) - What do you call an Asian with only one leg? Tie won shoo
Hilarious Tied Up Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about tied up you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean tying knot jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make tied up pranks.
A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He t**... the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, You can take anything you want. You can even p**... whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.
Thief: You must really love your wife!
Man: No, but she will be home shortly .
A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight...
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.
Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be t**... and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn decide to go rob a bank.
"Now, remember the plan," Ivy tells Harley.
"Yeah, yeah, no problem!" She says, and walks into the bank. Ivy waits in the getaway car.
Time passes. Five minutes...ten...Ivy starts getting worried...fifteen...
Suddenly Harley comes rushing out of the bank, dragging a safe behind her all t**... in rope. Behing her, the guard comes running out with his pants down.
Ivy groans. "Harley, you idiot! I said to tie up the guard and blow the safe!
A big angry man walks into a bar and says "Who has the Chihuahua t**... out front"?
A man in the back of the bar stands up and says "That's my chihuahua"
"Well, he just killed my Rottweiler!"
" What?!! How did your Rottweiler get killed by my Chihuahua?!!"
" I think he choked on him".
One Day a Cowboy Rode into Town
He t**... his horse and entered a saloon
When he exited the saloon, he found his horse missing
The cowboy shouted, "I'm going to go inside for another drink, when I'm done, my horse better be returned. If not, I'll do what I did back in Texas."
The cowboy went back inside the bar, got a drink, and returned to find his horse.
As he saddled up, a man approached him and asked,
"Out of curiosity, what did you do back in Texas?"
The cowboy responded,
"I had to walk home."
P.S. Sorry
Some h**... get paid to go out on dates before s**..., and call it the "girlfriend experience."
Others t**... and humiliate you, then steal your wallet and car while you're t**....
That's called the "wife experience."
A thief entered a house one mid-afternoon to find...
a couple in the middle of l**.... He t**... the woman and at gun-point asked the man to handover all their money and jewellery. The man started sobbing and said, "Brother, take anything you want. But please, untie the rope and let her go." The thief replied, "You must really love your wife, having no regard for your own safety." The man said, "No, she's my neighbour's wife. Mine will be back shortly!"
Guy walks into bar
Wanting to know who owns the Great Dane t**... outside because his dog just killed said Great Dane.
A man at the bar stands up obviously perplexed and says what kind of dog do you have that it just killed my Great Dane?
Other man responds proudly he owns a Chiwawa.
You're saying your Chiwawa killed my Great Dane? Not really believing what he was hearing.
Yes other man responds my dog got lodged in your dogs t**...
Why does Princess Leia keep her hair t**... in buns?
So it doesn't Hang Solow
A robber breaks into a house to see a n**... couple at it......
He quickly ties them up at gunpoint and goes around the whole house collecting all the valuables, when the t**... man pleads "Please untie her and let her go, you can keep me t**... for as long as you want"
"Do u love you your wife that much? "
"No!" sighs the man "she's the neighbours wife........... it's nearly time for my wife to return from work!!"
What do you call a sailor who likes to get t**... and gagged during s**...?
A submarine
I recently learned how to s**... a rope and have it come out the other end t**... in a bow.
I s**... you knot.
The chief editor of the New York Times is traveling in the Amazon jungle
He travels deep into the jungle hoping to write a story about a tribe of cannibals.
After a couple of weeks he finally locates the tribe and starts spying on them from behind some trees.
He feels a tap on the shoulder and he quickly gets captured and finds himself t**... and looks down and sees a spit with glowing coals warming up below him.
He screams for mercy and says You don't understand, I'm the chief editor of the New York Times!! .
The head cannibal replied, relax…
Soon you'll be the editor in chief…
What's the difference between a Ferrari and a 23 year old blonde girl?
I don't have a Ferrari t**... in my garage.
I am a fried nut
A string walks into a bar, and the bartender's all like "HEY, WE DON'T SERVE STRING IN HERE". Now obviously this makes the string very angry, so he goes outside and just goes CRAZY. He's rolling around, punching walls, hitting the ground, and by the time he's finally tired out he got himself all t**... and his ends frayed. So he walks back into the bar, and the bartender's like "HEY, ARE YOU THAT STRING FROM EARLIER?" And the string says "nope, I'm a frayed knot."
What do you call a dog that likes being t**...?
A sub-woofer
I asked the owner of a b**... parlor if I can have a tour of the place...
...He said he was t**... at the moment. He had to show the new girl the ropes.
A thief walked into a married couple's home mid-afternoon...
He t**... the woman and at knife point asked the man to hand over the jewellery and money.
The man started sobbing and said, Brother, please take anything that you want, but please, untie her and set her free!
The thief responded, You must really love your wife!
Man: No! That's my neighbours wife! Mine will be arriving shortly!!
Be Strong
A burglar entered a bedroom, t**... the husband and wife, kissed the wife's ear and went to the bathroom..
The husband said to the wife "Satisfy him or he will kill us, be strong. I love you"
Wife said "He didn't kiss me, he whispered in my ear that he is gay, he needs vaseline and i told him it's in the bathroom. So be strong, I love you too."
A Mexican man was found dead at the bottom of a lake.
He was t**..., had chains wrapped around him, and had seven bullet wounds.
When the local sheriff was asked what had happened, the sheriff replied, It is truly the worst d**... case of s**... I've ever seen.
I saw a black man walking with a TV...
...I thought, "Hey, that's mine!!"
But then I remembered, mine was t**... in the backyard.
An Italian man is kidnapped by the mafia…
An Italian man is kidnapped by the mafia, who want him to tell them where his company's money is hidden. They put him in a chair at gunpoint and demand the location, but he won't tell them a single word.
After a while, the mafia members decide that he isn't going to be of any use to them, so they kill him.
At the gates of heaven, god asks the Italian why he didn't just give them the information they needed, and that he probably would still be alive if he had.
The Italian responds, How could I? Those rascals had t**... my hands!
An Army Captain is assigned to a remote desert post in Iraq
During inspection, he notices a camel t**... outside the barracks. He asks the soldier, "why is that camel there?"
The soldier says: "There are 250 men here and no women. Sometimes men get urges."
A month later the Captian has urges himself. He puts the ladder behind the camel, drops his trousers and has s**... with the camel. He asks the soldier: "Is that how the men do it?"
"No sir, they usually ride it to the brothel!"
Give him what he wants.
An escaped convict broke into a house and t**... a young couple in their bedroom.
The husband turned to his wife and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen action in years. If he wants s**..., I think it's best to just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
"I'm so relieved you feel that way," replies his wife, "because he told me he thinks you're really cute."
What do you call 2 men t**... strapped to a window
Kurt n Rod
Why don't people in trailer parks invest in the stock market?
Because their money is t**... in bonds.
A blonde women's basketball team rallied and then t**... the score at the end of regulation...
...and the coach took out a bottle of wine and handed out glasses to the team.
After imbibing, the blonde team obviously ended up losing.
Coach was asked later by, "Why the early celebration?"
Coach said, "We weren't celebrating, we're not that s**.... I served wine because I heard it always gets better overtime."
I like my women the way I like my coffee
t**... in a burlap sack and slung over the back of Juan Valdez's mule.
I recently met the most desperate h**....
Infact so desperate that she's willing to be t**..., beaten and flogged by the customers to earn some extra money.
She was strapped for cash.
What do you call a hose that likes to get t**...?
k**....
I love to be t**... and dominated during s**....
However, it makes being a r**... incredibly difficult.
Why should you never trust a b**... enthusiast when the game is on the line?
They enjoy getting beat when t**...!
A string gets t**...
A string walks into a classroom. The teacher sees the string, then ties it between two posts tightly. Did the teacher do a good job teaching?
Yes, because the string was taut.
A blonde tried to rob a bank
It failed miserably when she t**... the safe and decided to blow the guards.
What does a p**... say when arriving too late?
I am sorry, I got t**....
Polish bank robber
t**... the safe, blew the guard.
What do you call a video of feet being t**...?
Footage
My friend always keeps her hair t**....
I asked her, why do you always keep it t**...?
She said that if she lets her hair down, it'll be disappointed.
[BDSM] The other day I came home and found a man t**... on my bed that didn't look like my boyfriend.
Whoops, wrong sub.
What does a t**... piece of string eat?
Knot Food
I like my women like I like my clothesline.
Strung out and t**....
THE LONE RANGER WAS t**....
BUT HE MANAGED TO WHISPER IN SILVERS EAR,THE HORSE RAN OFF AND RETURNED WITH A GUN,THE RANGER WHISPERED IN SILVERS EAR AGAIN AND AGAIN HE RAN OFF HE CAME BACK WITH A KNIFE, THE RANGER WHISPERED AGAIN THIS TIME SILVER CAME BACK WITH A n**... g**... HIS BACK AND THE RANGER SCREAMED ...s**... HORSE I SAID BRING ME THE POSSE! !
I met this girl at the bar the other day. She was pretty k**... so I asked how she likes being t**....
She said "mmmphmphmppph"
Because a lot of folks were t**... and wearing masks at our b**... party I got in a lot of trouble
Wrong sub.
I had an unhappy childhood. Many's the night I've spent t**... in a burlap sack in the cellar after a thorough beating.
But it doesn't make up for my childhood.
My female friend asked me if I would consider s**... and b**... with a girlfriend
I told her I was too t**... with work to have any kind of relationship at the moment
A married man is talking to a woman and she accuses him of trying to hit on her...
He replies, "I'm knot, I'm t**...."
A young sheep, out to pasture, is suddenly cornered by a farmer and t**....
The young sheep faints of fright, and when he awakens immediately runs back to his flock.
Bleating wildly, he exclaims how could the farmer do this to me!
A wise elder sheep says, calm down, son. What happened?
The young sheep, still hysterical, cries i was the most beautiful ram in the whole flock! Then the farmer trapped me, put a yellow tag on my ear, cut off my tail, and the worst part is there's a rubber band around my t**...! How could this get any worse?!
The elder sheep looked at the frightened ram and sighed, you might want to sit down, I've got some bad news for ewe.
Cowboy & Preacher
A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was
brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.
Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be t**... and taken advantage
of by a woman of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
Right away, the cowboy handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice
A criminal was t**... by the Police and he said
"This was bound to happen.'
A dog and the policeman
Jabu goes into a bar to have himself a cold one.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked," Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?"
Jabu said it was his.
"Your dog seems to be in heat" the officer said.
Jabu replied, "No way... She's cool 'cause she's t**... under that shade tree."
The policeman said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."
"No way," said Jabu. "That dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning'."
The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have s**...!"
Jabu looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog
I dated a mime that was a mistress
Being t**... was a little complicated.
What's black and shiny and trashes about the floor
A baby t**... in a trash bag
Why did the b**... store get behind on its shipments?
Bbecause they were all t**......
3 CIA Agents are Asked to Take on an Important Mission
Three CIA agents are asked to take on an important mission. They need to know that these spies will do whatever they say. So they capture each spies significant other, tie them up and prepare three guns, loaded with blanks.
They bring the first spy in, give him a gun a tell him his wife is in the other room and he has to kill her. The man outright refuses them and says he won't do it. They say "That's fine, we understand but you're not right for this mission." And the spy leaves.
They bring the second spy in, they also tell him he has to kill his wife. The man goes into the room with his wife, holding the gun in his hand, and comes out after five minutes, crying. "I can't bring myself to do it, I tried, I really did, but I just can't do it." He says. They say "That's fine, we understand but you're not right for this mission." And the spy leaves.
The third spy comes in and they tell her that her husband is t**... in the next room and she has to kill him. They hand her the gun and she enters the room. There is a brief silence but then some sound of struggle, after a while the sounds stop and she exits the room.
"What happened in there?" They ask.
"The gun you gave me had blanks so I had to beat him to death with a chair."
There's this British RAF pilot in WW2, and he's been captured by the Germans....
the k**... have him t**... and they're interrogating him.
"Tell us about your seekret plans, or vee vill cut off your leg!"
The Pilot, dashing and resolute, refuses, but before they cut off his leg, he asks them to please drop it over England on their next b**... raid, so it can rest in peace. The Germans try again, furious at his determination:
"Tell us about your nation's seekret plans, or vee vill cut off your other leg!"
The Pilot again heroically refuses, but once more requests that they drop the amputated limb over England on a b**... raid. The German interrogators are really angry now, and the Officer is apoplectic:
"You vill tell us all of your country's seekret plans, or vee vill beat you, and cut off your arms, miserable English svine!"
The Pilot, as much a stalwart as ever, refuses. "But please", he adds, "For my honour, take my dismembered arms and drop them over England on your next raid".
"NO!" The German replies, "Vee sink you are trying to escape!"
MOOMFA!!!
So two male explorers are wandering on a foreign island and are suddenly both rendered unconscious. When they wake up, they find themselves t**... and sitting on the ground in front of some native people of the island.
One of the natives, which appears to be the chieftain, says something in foreign tongue, which the explorers do not understand. A translator appears and asks the explorers a question.
"Death? Or Moomfa?"
To this one of the explorers replied, "Well, I'm pretty sure anything is better than death... Ill take Moomfa!"
Chatter erupts from the entire village with the word, "Moomfa" sprouting everywhere. The explorer is taken over to a log, and is stripped of clothing. To which the ENTIRE village has their way with him. Once done, the natives untie him, and let him walk away shuddering and puking.
The chief then says the same native words, which is then translated again.
"Death? Or Moomfa?!"
"Oh... nononononono! I'll take death!!!"
Chief mutters some new words. Translator says, "Okay, DEATH BY MOOMFA!!!!"
Three explorers and a cannibalistic tribe
There were three explorers out on an expedition when they suddenly realized that they were lost. They walked around for hours when finally they saw smoke in the distance. They knew there must be a civilization there so they headed in that direction.
When they got there they were confronted by the warriors of the tribe and were immediately t**... and held captive. Later, the leader of the tribe confronted them and explained that their tribe was a cannibalistic tribe and that they would kill them, skin them, eat them and then use their skin as a canoe but they would be able to choose how they would be killed.
The first explorer says ""I brought a gun with me on my expedition, I wish to be killed with that." So they pulled the gun out of his backpack and shot him.
The second explorer says "I too wish to be killed by the gun as I believe it would be the most painless way." So they shot him as well.
The third explorer says "I have a fork in my backpack and I wish to be killed with that. I would however, like to do it myself."
The tribesman all looked at each other puzzled, but figured he could not possibly harm them with a fork so they agreed.
The explorer then began to repeatedly stab himself in the chest. The tribesman again looked at each other with puzzlement on their faces so the leader of the tribe asked the explorer "What are you doing?" to which the explorer exclaimed "I'M f**...' UP YOUR CANOE!!"
What's black and white and hates s**... all over?
The little kid t**... in the back of my van.
A guy gets pulled over on the highway going 90mph in a 55mph zone...
Deputy walks up to the window and says to the guy "I clocked you at 90mph in a 55mph zone, can I see your drivers license"? "Don't got it" says the guy. Deputy then asks for his insurance card to which the guy replies "I think I saw one next to the gun in the glove box". Deputy says "Why do you have a gun in the glove box"? "How else was I supposed tie up a woman, throw her in the trunk, and steal her car?" says the guy.
Just then the Sheriff arrives and the Deputy tells him the situation. Sheriff walks up to the guy and says "My Deputy tells me that you have a gun which you used to steal this car from the owner who is t**... in the trunk, and you don't have a license. Is this correct"? Guy says "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! He probably told you I was speeding too".
A cowboy is sitting in a saloon...
when he looks out the window and notices his horse has been stolen. He turns around and shouts out to the rest of bar, "Alright, looks like one of you mangey dogs done stole my horse. Now, I'm going to go take a leak. And when I get back, my horse better be back outside... or else I'm going to have to do what I did back in El Paso... and I don't want to have to do what I did back in El Paso.
So he gets up, heads off to the toilet and when he returned, sure enough, his horse was t**... outside right where he had left it. As he was saddling up some of the people from inside the bar came out, "Hey, stranger. What was it you did in El Paso that you didn't want to do again?"
"I walked home."
A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.
His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied,
"Some things you just can't explain.
This morning I was outside milking a cow. As soon as the bucket was full the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I t**... his left foot to a pole.
I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right foot to a pole too.
As soon as I finished milking the cow again he knocked down the bucket with his tail and I took off my belt and t**... his tail with my belt.
As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain."
One day a man was hiking down an old dirt road when he noticed, down an embankment, a man tied n**..., face down to a large fallen tree.
The hiker ran down to the man, and while removing his backpack asked, "What happened to you?"
The t**... man began to tell him, "I picked up a hitchhiker and a few miles down the road he held me up. He told me to pull over and took my car, my money, and all of my clothes. Then he tied me up to this tree."
The hiker unzipped his fly and said, "Boy, this just isn't your day, is it?"
