Tied Jokes
132 tied jokes and hilarious tied puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about tied that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Get ready for a night of laughs with these cleverly tied jokes! Learn about different ways of tying things up, such as laces and tubes, to get some humor out of the situation. Whether it's a tongue-tied pun or a joke about being tied up, these jokes are sure to have you in stitches!
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Funniest Tied Short Jokes
Short tied jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The tied humour may include short tying jokes also.
- My daughters boyfriend still doesn't know how to tie his shoe... Every time I walk in her room that's all she's doing.
- "Proud Boys" should change their name, to avoid being tied to PRIDE events... ... to something like "Reigning Men."
- I was invited to a party... 'Black tie only' was written on the invitation card. When I got there, I noticed that other people worn shirts and pants, too.
- I think winning the war on drugs is impossible. I struggle just to tie my shoelaces on drugs.
- How does an ant put on a tie? With a considerable deal of practice and skill and the correct combination of knots in the tie so it can properly be secured on the neck. It's an ant-tie joke.
- What do you call a clever, socially awkward, bisexual hippie with fancy neckwear who streams Star-Trek? A shy, wry, bi guy in a fly tie and tie dye watching sci-fi on wifi.
Credits: my bud - A lot of people are up in arms about the Olympians caught taking drugs to compete. Honestly I'm proud of them, and what they can do. Last time I did drugs I could barely tie my shoe.
- I bought a shirt and some neckwear from Ebay that used to belong to the guy from the Mamas & the Papas All the sleeves are brown and the tie is gray
- As companies continue to cut ties with Kanye West... Compass maker INMARK has also decided to drop West from their product line, leaving users lost and confused.
- What's all the fuss about Donald Trump's Russian Ties? I know for a fact that all his Ties are made in China.
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Tied One Liners
Which tied one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with tied? I can suggest the ones about tying knot and neck tie.
- And the award for best neckwear goes to... huh, well would you look at that. It was a tie
- Two silk worms are in a wrestling match It ended in a tie.
- Two silk worms were in a race... It ended in a tie.
- I once tied all my watches to my belt Until I realised it was just a waist of time
- They say being a hostage is hard But I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
- Two silkworms had a race... They ended up in a tie.
- There are only two outcomes in a knot-tying competition. Win or loose.
- What do you call 4 sheep tied to a fence in Wales? A Brothel :D
- And the best neckwear award goes to.... Oh wait!!! It's a tie.
- Two silkworms got into a race. They ended up in a tie.
- AND THE AWARD FOR THE BEST NECKWEAR IS... ...oh, it's a tie
- Did you know that if you tie $100 bills to your belt... it's a waist of money?
- What do u call a fish with a bow tie? So*fish*ticated
- What do you call a fish wearing a tie? So-FISH-ticated
;) - What do you call an Asian with only one leg? Tie won shoo
Tied Up Jokes
Here is a list of funny tied up jokes and even better tied up puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A hat and a tie are out running The tie gets tired and says he needs a break.
The hat replies "Don't worry. You hang around and I'll go on ahead." - After a great birthday fishing and drinking with the guys, I came home to a very angry wife. Apparently, "Why don't you tie me to the bed and do whatever you want" had some caveats.
- My friend once got an invite to a party that said "black tie only" But when he got there, everyone else was in tuxedos.
- I witnessed my shoelaces fight today... It was a tie...
- I bought a tie for my dog to wear on his walks It's to help him do his business.
- Two red blood cells are talking to two platelets... One red blood cell says "I heard you two finally tied the clot!"
The other says "Coagulations!" - How do you always keep your shoes tied? Replace the laces with earphones.
- What did the businessman wear to the thai restaurant? A plaid tie.
- I'm so good at being interrogated. I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.
- If I were stranded on a deserted island with 3 things of my choice... I would have to choose Michael Phelps, a saddle, and a stick with a gold medal tied to it.
Tongue Tied Jokes
Here is a list of funny tongue tied jokes and even better tongue tied puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If you can say these four words very fast without getting tongue tied, you're a genius. 1) Eye
2) Yam
3) Stew
4) Peed - I bought a book about knots... I was hoping for an audio book, but apparently all the narrators kept getting tongue tied.
- What do you called a tongue tied lesbian with no hands? ... Impotent.
- I bought some shoes from a b**... expert I don't know how he tied them, because it was hard to pull the tongue out.
- Why was the s**... phone s**... caller so quiet? Because he was tongue tied!

Tubes Tied Jokes
Here is a list of funny tubes tied jokes and even better tubes tied puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My wife said she would leave me if i suggested getting her tubes tied again... But i think she's just ovaryacting.
- When will Pele stop giving birth to new land? When she gets her lava tubes tied.
- Is it okay to compare a man getting the snip with a woman getting her tubes tied? After all, there isn't a vas deferens between the two o**...
- I once knew a girl so s**... ... ... she had her eustachian tubes tied and now she can't hear her baby crying.

Fun-Filled Tied Jokes to Boost Your Mood
What funny jokes about tied you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean tie noose jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make tied pranks.
TIL about a method of capital punishment called the Roman Candle. Victims were tied to a stake and covered in a flammable resin. The burning bodies would sometimes be used to provide lighting for evening parties.
Great idea; terrible execution.
A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight...
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.
Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be t**... and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
A Fireman See's a Little Girl
that has her own homemade firetruck with her dog and a red wagon.He says to the little girl, "That's a nice looking firetruck little missy!" She then says, "Thank You!" He keeps checking it out when he notices that the rope that's tied to the wagon is tied to the dogs t**....He tells the little girl, "Sweetie, I think your firetruck would go a lot faster if the rope was tied to the dogs neck." She replies, "Oh I know that Sir!But then it wouldn't have a siren!"
A little girl lives next to a fire house...
She admires the fire fighters so much she makes her own firetruck. It consists of her wagon, with the team of her cat in front with a string tied to his t**..., and her dog which lacks the testicular string, however has a harness and reins for her to lead him with. The firefighters see it, and have to ask why the string on the cat. She replies "I need a siren too."
Wife's at the door.
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very s**... nightie.
Tie me up, she purred, and you can do anything you want.
So he tied her up and went golfing.
Guy walking down the street...
...sees a bloke coming towards him pulling a rope. It looks about 20 feet long, there doesn't seem to be anything tied to the end of it. As they pass each other he says, "G'day mate, mind if I ask why you're pulling that rope?"
The other bloke replies, "Come off it! Have you ever tried to push a rope?!"
A pirate walks into a bar
with a steering wheel hanging from the front of his belt. The bar tender said, "Hey buddy, you have a steering wheel tied to your pants". To which the pirate replied, "Arr, I know. It's drivin' me nuts!"
Two hobos are walking down the railroad tracks.
One says You know, just last month I found a woman here, tied to the tracks and left for dead.
The other hobo asks so what did you do?'
The first hobo replies I did what anybody else would do; I picked her up off the tracks, took her over to those bushes over there and had my way with her for a week.
Wow says the second hobo, did she give good head?'
The other hobo replies You know, I never did find the head.
A rope walked into a bar...
A rope walked into a bar. The bartender said, "We don't serve your kind here! No ropes allowed!" The rope left, tied his top end, and fluffed out the fringe. He reentered the bar, and the bartender said, "Hey! Aren't you that rope I just threw out?" "No," the rope said. "I'm a frayed knot."
Why was Six afraid of Seven? Because Seven ate Nine. Lame, right? I made up some more!
Why did Two pay more for socks?
Because it was a three-for-five deal!
Why did Four get jealous of Five?
Because Five had six with Seven!
(And I heard that Seven ate Nine out)
Why did Negative One share its cash prize with Zero after they tied for first place in the race?
Because Zero won too!
Oogaly Boogaly
A white man, Chinese man and a black man were in Africa doing research when they were captured by a tribe. First, they were tied to stakes. The chief then walked up to the white man and asked, death or oogaly boogaly. The white man thought, I don't want to die, I'll take oogaly boogaly. So the chief loosened his ropes, took him to the edge of the forest, within sight of the other two and all of the tribesmen r**... him. The chief then asked the Chinese man, death or oogaly boogaly? the Chinese man thought, remembered the screems of the white man, but didn't want to die. So he said, 'oogaly boogaly'. So the chief loosened his ropes, took him to the edge of the forest and all of the tribesmen r**... him. Then the chief walked up to the black man and asked 'death, or oogaly boogaly?' The black man said, naw man, just give me death.' The chief said 'OK, death, by oogaly boogaly!
3 spies, a french one, a british one, and an italian one, are captured by al-qaeda...
the terrorists tie each of them up and put the brit and the italian in a locked room. they take the frenchman to a room for 6 hours, torturing information out of him. when they finish with him, they take the brit to the room, who lasts 12 hours. they finally take the italian into the room, but as much as they t**... him, they cant get any information out of him.
the brit and the frenchman ask him how it goes and he says "i couldnt say anything." they ask him why and he says "my hands were tied!"
What do you call an Aztec Mayan snake god tied in a knot?
Pretzalcoatl
A man is telling his friend about his latest conquest...
'It was the weirdest thing. I looked out my window last night and saw a woman tied to the train tracks'
'Woah,' replied his friend, 'did you save her?'
'Yeah, I went out, untied her, then made love to her all night long.'
'Sweet! Was she cute?'
'I don't know, I couldn't find her head.'
I saw a black man walking with a TV...
...I thought, "Hey, that's mine!!"
But then I remembered, mine was t**... in the backyard.
The Italian spy
A german, French, and Italian spy get captured. The French spy is tied with his hands strapped behind his back, a d is tortured and interrogated. He confesses after one hour. The German spy lasts two hours before confessing. The Italian spy lasts hours before his captors give up on him. The German and French spies ask how he lasted so long without talking and he says "I wanted to talk, but I couldn't move my hands."
A woman said to her husband: Tie me and I'll let do what you want
Then, he tied her and slept with the maid
Got Drunk
Went out with some friends last night and tied one on.
Knowing that I was wasted, I did something that I have never done before.
I took a bus home. I arrived home safe and warm, which seemed really surprising
as I have never driven a bus before.
What do you call 4 d**... tied together?
An erectangle.
Ironically, the only way you could get me to watch 50 shades of gray is if you tied me up and forced me to watch it.
A prisoner escaped..
And snuck inside a house nearby.
The prisoner found a young couple in bed and held them hostage, the woman was tied in a chair and the man was tied on the bed post.
The prisoner walked up to the woman and kissed her in the neck afterwards he went to the bathroom.
The man said to the woman "that guy is an escapee from the prison nearby, he's been in prison for such a long time that he's so thirsty for s**.... I can tell it from the way he kissed your neck. No matter what happens let him do whatever he wants or else he will kill us! Be strong honey, i love you!"
Then the woman replied..
"He didn't kiss me honey, he whispered to me that he thinks you're cute and asked me if we have some lubricant. I told him that we have some in the bathroom. Be strong honey, i love you!"
A priest out for a walk comes across a boy tied to a tree
The priest says, "oh you poor boy, what on earth has happened to you?"
The boy says, "I was just walking home when these 2 men grabbed me, tied me up and did terrible things to me."
The priest loosens his cassock and says, "It's not your lucky day is it?"
I met a girl who was into leather and b**....
She tied me up and stole my wallet.
Hobo s**...
Hobo walks back into the camp where his buddies are having dinner. He is all happy and smiling.
They ask, why are you so happy.
He replies, well, I was walking along the track and found a beautiful woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and we had s**... for hours.
One of his buddies asks: "Did you get any head"
"No", he replied, "the train took most of that".
Did you hear that Google has tied every single one of their programs to their browser?
I guess you could say that *all codes lead to Chrome*.
The rope joke
A man is walking down the street one day when he notices another man coming towards him, dragging a length of rope. It's about 20 feet long and not tied to anything, so as they pass the first man says, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your rope. May I ask why you're pulling it along?"
The second guy laughs and says, "You really need to ask? Have you ever tried to push a rope!?"
They say a man's attractiveness is tied to his chess ability...
Unfortunately, I'm really bad at mating.
Some h**... get paid to go out on dates before s**..., and call it the "girlfriend experience."
Others t**... and humiliate you, then steal your wallet and car while you're t**....
That's called the "wife experience."
The movie 'Up' is utter b**....
I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn't die.
3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.
After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info.
Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info.
Then they took the Italian spy and did the same to him, but he didnt give any info. They kept torturing him for 3 hours but with no luck. Eventually they gave up and put him back in the cell.
The 2 other spies asked him How did you do that? They tortured us like crazy! The Italian replied: I wanted to give all my info, but they tied my hands and so I couldn't speak.
Why would Italians make a faithful spy?
Because they won't utter a word when their hands are tied.
I asked the owner of a b**... parlor if I can have a tour of the place...
...He said he was t**... at the moment. He had to show the new girl the ropes.
Bob was late to come to see his friend John at the bar
John: Dude, you're so late!
Bob: You won't believe what just happened to me. On my way here, I saw a girl tied to a train track. I untied her and we had s**... time together.
John: That sounds awesome dude!
Bob: Yeah, I know right. We did m**..., doggy, c**... etc. you name it.
John: Did you receive head?
Bob: Nah, couldn't find it.
People keep thinking jesus will come back...
Cmon guys, he was tied to a cross, not a boomerang
I was about to kill myself yesterday...
Had the noose tied and stool ready. Just when I was about to hang myself, I decide to call the National s**... Hotline. I told them that I was going to hang myself. They said "Hang on for a moment".
I just made love to my girlfriend
She asked, "If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?"
I took off my c**..., tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.
"Well" I said, "If he can get out of that, we'll call him Houdini".
Why does Princess Leia keep her hair t**... in buns?
So it doesn't Hang Solow
Give him what he wants.
An escaped convict broke into a house and t**... a young couple in their bedroom.
The husband turned to his wife and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen action in years. If he wants s**..., I think it's best to just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
"I'm so relieved you feel that way," replies his wife, "because he told me he thinks you're really cute."
For hundreds of years they were forced to work for us across our nation, tirelessly and without monetary compensation. They were whipped, and tied to wooden posts. Even today, they are exploited for sports and entertainment.
Man, horses must really hate us.
I am a fried nut
A string walks into a bar, and the bartender's all like "HEY, WE DON'T SERVE STRING IN HERE". Now obviously this makes the string very angry, so he goes outside and just goes CRAZY. He's rolling around, punching walls, hitting the ground, and by the time he's finally tired out he got himself all t**... and his ends frayed. So he walks back into the bar, and the bartender's like "HEY, ARE YOU THAT STRING FROM EARLIER?" And the string says "nope, I'm a frayed knot."
A man at the bar was telling his friends about a girl tied to the train tracks...
She screamed for help. The man waited a bit, then he quickly untied her. He then told his friends about the hot s**... both of them right after he untied her. He was describing all the positions they did it in. Then one of his friends asked:
- Did she give you head
To that he man replied:
No, I couldn't find it .
Man, being kidnapped is so easy...
I can do it with both hands tied behind my back.
Guy walks into bar
Wanting to know who owns the Great Dane t**... outside because his dog just killed said Great Dane.
A man at the bar stands up obviously perplexed and says what kind of dog do you have that it just killed my Great Dane?
Other man responds proudly he owns a Chiwawa.
You're saying your Chiwawa killed my Great Dane? Not really believing what he was hearing.
Yes other man responds my dog got lodged in your dogs t**...
Dave's wife tied him to the bed posts last night.
Dave's wife tied him to the bed posts last night. Unable to move, he could do nothing to stop her slowly stripping down to her bra and pants in front of him.
She knelt on the bed, between his thighs and said
"Ok big boy, what would you like me to take off next?"
Dave gulped: "My glasses, please."
Russian, French and Italian are being interrogated by Germans
It's year 1943
Russian hold for 1 day and gives up.
French hold for 2 days and gives up.
It's finally time for Italian.
He is gone for 1 week, then for second.
Finally after one month he was brought back to the cell.
Russian and French ask in surprise how did you hold for so long
Italian replies how could I tell them something, if my hands were tied?
Sean walks into his local pub in Ireland
His friends all say "Hi Sean", and Sean says "Lads, you wouldn't believe what happened to me while I was walking to the pub. I saw a very shapely lady tied to the railroad tracks. Well, I ran over and untied her and we made passionate love together." One of the guys says "Sean, did you get any head?" And Sean says, "No, I couldn't find it."
A Newfie walking around
A Newfie is walking around with his new pair of shoes but only one is tied. He trips and a guy goes to him and says you need to tie your other shoe the Newfie respond with it's fine I know what I'm doing .
After walking for a bit longer the Newfie trips again, the same guy says you really should tie your other shoe the Confused Newfie says but I read the bottom of the shoe and it says Taiwan
What's the difference between a Ferrari and a 23 year old blonde girl?
I don't have a Ferrari t**... in my garage.
My Chinese friend really hates shoes that have to be tied
He's such a lacist
I went to a liquor store yesterday on my bicycle.
I bought a bottle of Jack Daniels. I tied it to my bicycle carrier.
I was about to leave. Then I realised that if I fell off the bike on the way home, the bottle would break.
So I drank all the JD before I rode back.
Finally it turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.
A thief walked into a married couple's home mid-afternoon...
He t**... the woman and at knife point asked the man to hand over the jewellery and money.
The man started sobbing and said, Brother, please take anything that you want, but please, untie her and set her free!
The thief responded, You must really love your wife!
Man: No! That's my neighbours wife! Mine will be arriving shortly!!
Donald Trump is convicted of treason
His punishment is hanging. On the day of his execution, the rope is tied around his neck as thousands watch. The floor drops, but Trump is unharmed. The noose was fake.
An Army Captain is assigned to a remote desert post in Iraq
During inspection, he notices a camel t**... outside the barracks. He asks the soldier, "why is that camel there?"
The soldier says: "There are 250 men here and no women. Sometimes men get urges."
A month later the Captian has urges himself. He puts the ladder behind the camel, drops his trousers and has s**... with the camel. He asks the soldier: "Is that how the men do it?"
"No sir, they usually ride it to the brothel!"
Two men walk up to a hole
One says to the other, "I wonder how deep this hole is" then picks up an anvil near them and throws it down the hole.
After about 20 seconds, the men hear a goat running behind them and it jumps in the hole. "Woah!" they both thought.
Then, a farmer walks up to them and asks them if they saw his goat. The first man says that it just jumped in the hole. Then the farmer said "Impossible! I tied him to my anvil!"
A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He t**... the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, You can take anything you want. You can even p**... whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.
Thief: You must really love your wife!
Man: No, but she will be home shortly .
A guy goes to the pub...
A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "You won't believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. I untied her, and we had s**... over and over again. All the positions; everything!"
His friend replies, "Wow, that's great! I bet she's a beauty, right?"
"I don't know. I never found her head."
A thief entered a house one mid-afternoon to find...
a couple in the middle of l**.... He t**... the woman and at gun-point asked the man to handover all their money and jewellery. The man started sobbing and said, "Brother, take anything you want. But please, untie the rope and let her go." The thief replied, "You must really love your wife, having no regard for your own safety." The man said, "No, she's my neighbour's wife. Mine will be back shortly!"
One Day a Cowboy Rode into Town
He t**... his horse and entered a saloon
When he exited the saloon, he found his horse missing
The cowboy shouted, "I'm going to go inside for another drink, when I'm done, my horse better be returned. If not, I'll do what I did back in Texas."
The cowboy went back inside the bar, got a drink, and returned to find his horse.
As he saddled up, a man approached him and asked,
"Out of curiosity, what did you do back in Texas?"
The cowboy responded,
"I had to walk home."
P.S. Sorry
A robber breaks into a house to see a n**... couple at it......
He quickly ties them up at gunpoint and goes around the whole house collecting all the valuables, when the t**... man pleads "Please untie her and let her go, you can keep me t**... for as long as you want"
"Do u love you your wife that much? "
"No!" sighs the man "she's the neighbours wife........... it's nearly time for my wife to return from work!!"
A pirate walks into a bar...
With a steering wheel tied to his c**....
The bar tender asks umm, why is steering wheel tied to your c**...?
The pirate replies Aarrrr it be driving me nuts!!
I'm so good at being kidnapped.
I can do it with my arms tied behind my back.
Imagine making a belt out of a bunch of $100 bills tied together
That would be a huge waist of money.
A man enters an animal shop, and sees a parrot with ropes tied to each of it's legs...
The man asks the shopkeeper about the parrot and the shopkeeper replies:
- If you pull the right leg rope, he's gonna greet you in French, and if you pull the left leg rope, he'll greet you in German
- And what about, if i pull both simultaneously? - asks the man.
- Well, he...
Suddenly the parrot interrupts him:
- I will fall down, you idiot!
A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.
There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, Do you have any last words?
The m**... said, Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.
So, I hadn't showered for a week by the day I killed my wife. I tied her up and told her that I'd cut her apart while she was still alive, and she told me, 'At least cut my nose off first.'
Everyone there burst out laughing. The hangman said, That joke was about something terrible! Why was it so funny?
Well, I believe you can make a joke about any topic funny, said the m**.... After all, good comedy is all about execution.
i asked my therapist: can you cure my b**... addiction?
he said: "i wish i can help you but my hands are tied"
My new party trick...
I s**... two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my a**... tied together.
I s**... you knot.
What do you call a sailor who likes to get t**... and gagged during s**...?
A submarine
Be Strong
A burglar entered a bedroom, t**... the husband and wife, kissed the wife's ear and went to the bathroom..
The husband said to the wife "Satisfy him or he will kill us, be strong. I love you"
Wife said "He didn't kiss me, he whispered in my ear that he is gay, he needs vaseline and i told him it's in the bathroom. So be strong, I love you too."
A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.
By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.
After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to his rival and said with a little smile: "I'm sorry, pal. I put all five shots in the wall."
"I'm sorry, too," replied the other, "because I put all of mine into your target."
So I held a race between my farmhands. They ran equally fast, and demanded I determine the winner.
However, they both threatened to leave the farm if I declared the other the winner. I felt unable to make a decision. As a matter of fact, my hands were tied.
If you took all the arteries, veins, and capillaries in your body and tied them together end to end
...you would die.
My nephew came to me with a look of pride on his face.
He said uncle, uncle look what I made it's a telephone. He proceeded to show me two tin cans tied together with string.
I pulled out my iPhone and said: this is what kids your age make in China.
I'm not thrilled my wife is into b**...
but my hands are tied
A boy was riding his toy firetruck down the street
A passerby saw that the firetruck was being pulled by a dog. The rope used to pull it was tied around the dogs privates, and as a result the boy was being pulled along rather slowly.
The passerby suggested that perhaps the boy would be able to go faster if he tied the rope around the dogs neck.
The boy responded:
"But if I did that, then I wouldn't have a siren."

