Tie Jokes
155 tie jokes and hilarious tie puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about tie that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you tying yourself up in knots over finding the perfect joke for that upcoming event? Relax! This article contains a collection of humorous tie jokes that are sure to leave you and your friends laughing. Featuring puns related to bow ties, black ties, neck ties, cable ties, suit ties, and bolo ties, there is something here for everyone. Don't just be tied up in knots, liberate yourself with these hilarious tie jokes!
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Funniest Tie Short Jokes
Short tie jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The tie humour may include short untie jokes also.
- My daughters boyfriend still doesn't know how to tie his shoe... Every time I walk in her room that's all she's doing.
- "Proud Boys" should change their name, to avoid being tied to PRIDE events... ... to something like "Reigning Men."
- I was invited to a party... 'Black tie only' was written on the invitation card. When I got there, I noticed that other people worn shirts and pants, too.
- I think winning the war on drugs is impossible. I struggle just to tie my shoelaces on drugs.
- How does an ant put on a tie? With a considerable deal of practice and skill and the correct combination of knots in the tie so it can properly be secured on the neck. It's an ant-tie joke.
- What do you call a clever, socially awkward, bisexual hippie with fancy neckwear who streams Star-Trek? A shy, wry, bi guy in a fly tie and tie dye watching sci-fi on wifi.
Credits: my bud - A lot of people are up in arms about the Olympians caught taking drugs to compete. Honestly I'm proud of them, and what they can do. Last time I did drugs I could barely tie my shoe.
- I bought a shirt and some neckwear from Ebay that used to belong to the guy from the Mamas & the Papas All the sleeves are brown and the tie is gray
- As companies continue to cut ties with Kanye West... Compass maker INMARK has also decided to drop West from their product line, leaving users lost and confused.
- A hat and a tie are out running The tie gets tired and says he needs a break.
The hat replies "Don't worry. You hang around and I'll go on ahead."
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Tie One Liners
Which tie one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with tie? I can suggest the ones about bow tie and black tie.
- And the award for best neckwear goes to... huh, well would you look at that. It was a tie
- Two silk worms are in a wrestling match It ended in a tie.
- I once tied all my watches to my belt Until I realised it was just a waist of time
- They say being a hostage is hard But I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
- There are only two outcomes in a knot-tying competition. Win or loose.
- What do you call 4 sheep tied to a fence in Wales? A Brothel :D
- Did you know that if you tie $100 bills to your belt... it's a waist of money?
- I witnessed my shoelaces fight today... It was a tie...
- I bought a tie for my dog to wear on his walks It's to help him do his business.
- How do you always keep your shoes tied? Replace the laces with earphones.
- What did the businessman wear to the thai restaurant? A plaid tie.
- How do you tie two Hondas together? ...with Accord
- At first, I forgot how to tie my shoe Then I did knot.
- Did you hear about the competition for the world's best Tie? There was no clear winner.
- Two worms started fighting It ended in a tie
Neck Tie Jokes
Here is a list of funny neck tie jokes and even better neck tie puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- And the winner for the best neck wear is... Oh look it's a tie
- I went to see a hanging race today It was a close match, the two contestants were tied neck and neck
- No one in the Star Trek universe knows how to tie a neck tie. They're all use to Klingons.
- Son, what on earth is that thing around your neck? It's a tie, dad.
- If I were to tie a hickory branch around my neck and call it a cravat, I'd be a pretty odd duck. Wooden tie.
Black Tie Jokes
Here is a list of funny black tie jokes and even better black tie puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My friend once got an invite to a party that said "black tie only" But when he got there, everyone else was in tuxedos.
- I got an invitation to a black-tie-only wedding But when i showed up everyone were wearing tuxedos
- It said :"Only black ties" on the wedding invitation card. But when I arrived, I saw people wearing suits too.
- My ex husband cheated during our wedding reception I guess it really was a black tie affair
- A Nigerian prince secretly orders a 2nd wife over the internet from Thailand. The wedding was a black-tie affair
- Why could nobody win a dance off at the annual African American ball? Because it was a black tie event
- Did you hear about the golf match between the black golfer and white golfer from South Africa? Birdie on the last hole would have won the match for the black golfer, but a par tied.
- If a black guy ties his dad to a large boomerang and throws them away will they return?
- How would you know who is a billionaire in a black tie event? Look for the dude wearing a T-shirt, jeans and sneakers
- I got invited to a charity ball for victims of domestic violence. The dress code was black tie
Bow Tie Jokes
Here is a list of funny bow tie jokes and even better bow tie puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did the bow tie say to the top hat? You go on a head, I'll hang around
- My friend, Ming, told me that I would look more professional if I stop wearing my funny bow tie. I responded, "But I am nothing without my comedic tie, Ming."
- A husband wanted to surprise his wife on their anniversary by putting a little bow tie on his manhood, but got worried she wouldn't notice it after she turned out the lights. She found it touching.
- What do you call a bow covered in chickens? A hen tie
- What bow cannot be tied? A rainbow
- What do you call a Mexican in a bow tie? Elbow
(El Bow)
Tie Noose Jokes
Here is a list of funny tie noose jokes and even better tie noose puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Last week I saw I noose tying tutorial It was breathtaking
- My mom confiscated my phone Now I can't even google how to tie a noose
- I have this rope tied with a large hole in it that's been really bugging me. It's such a noose-ance.
- How to Tie a Noose by Sue E. Side
- My brother used to be a Boy Scout... I just wish they wouldn't have taught him how to tie a noose
Hilarious Tie Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter
What funny jokes about tie you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean neck tie jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make tie pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the n**... woman they find in there.
A startled, n**..., man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."
The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of them says, "Wow, you must really love your wife in order to beg like that."
The man replies, "I do, and she will be home any minute!"
A man walks into a bar and it's empty – it's just him and the bartender.
He sits down and orders a drink.
After a few seconds, he hears someone whisper, Pssst… I like your tie.
The man looks around but doesn't see anyone.
Pssst… that color looks nice on you.
He asks the bartender, Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?
The bartender rolls his eyes and says, No, sorry about that. It's the peanuts… they're complimentary.
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't," he replied.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Russian, and a Ukrainian are on a a plan when the plane's engines fail and it starts to go down.
The pilot grabs one of the parachutes and jumps from the plane. The remaining passengers see that there is only one c**... left, and quickly do the math.
The Englishman stands up, straightens his tie, says "God save the Queen!" and jumps from the plane.
The Frenchman, not wanting to be seen as less noble than the Englishman, says "Vive la France!" and jumps to his death.
The ukrainian stands up, straightens his vyshyvanka, says "Slava Ukraini!" and throws the Russian out.
No tie, no entry
Guy decides to go to a swanky new nightclub. He gets to the door and the bouncer stops him. "You have to have a tie to get in".
Guy goes back to his car to see if he has a tie laying around. No dice. So he takes his jumper cables and ties them around his neck.
Goes back to the door, bouncer looks him over, says "ok, you can go in, just don't start anything ".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An identity thief and a r**... get convicted in a poor town...
The judge decides that the best punishment is to tie them up in a courtyard and for $5 you can punch the identity thief so he can never use his charm to con again, or for $10 you can kick the r**... in the nuts. The police officer in charge of this spots a girl kick the identity thief in the nuts and says, "Hey! You can't do that!" The girl asks, "Why not?" And the cop says, "Because this is the punchline."
Here's a classic jewish joke.
A mother brings her son two new ties as a birthday gift for her adult son. Later, in the evening the two meet for dinner and the son is wearing one of the ties. His mother takes one look at him and says, You didn't like the other tie?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wife's at the door.
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very s**... nightie.
Tie me up, she purred, and you can do anything you want.
So he tied her up and went golfing.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
**Suggestion for you**
At a formal event, roll your tie up into a little bundle right below the knot. Then ask someone, "Which of the 2 flaps do you think will unravel first?" After they guess, let it unravel and go "It's a tie!".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My favorite blonde joke.
A blonde was tired of all the a**... she received because she was blond so she decided to hang herself on a tree in a field.
A man walked by and saw what was happening, approached her he asked, "What are you doing?"
She replied, "I'm going to kill myself because I can't take the a**... anymore."
The man, confused, said, "Why are you hanging by your feet? Aren't you supposed to tie the rope around your neck."
She said, "I tried that but I couldn't breathe."
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink, when suddenly he hears someone say, "Hey, nice tie!"
The man looks up to try to find out who said it, but no one was around.
"Hey! Nice shirt!" The man looks up again, but there's nobody there.
"Hey! Nice suit!" The man then calls the bartender over and asks him if he keeps talking to him.
The bartender replies, "It's not me; it's the complimentary peanuts."
A man an a boy walk into a barbershop
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade" he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes". When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you". "That wasn't my daddy" said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I used to by my dad a neck tie on father's day, but now I buy him an Asian h**....
It's better to buy a Thai that he'll actually use.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After a great birthday fishing and drinking with the guys, I came home to a very angry wife.
Apparently, "Why don't you tie me to the bed and do whatever you want" had some caveats.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've been taking care of my elderly grandfather and he asked me to come tie his shoes while he was on the toilet
I said, "you can't be serious"
He said, "I s**..., you knot"
A priest and a shepherd...
... from Australia participate in a gameshow on TV. After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It's a city in Africa.
The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:
"I was a father all my life,
I had no children, had no wife,
I read the bible through and through
on my way to Timbuktu ... "
The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory. But then comes the shepherd, with his poem:
"When Tim and I to Brisbane went
We met three ladies cheap to rent.
But they were three and we were two,
So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jewish Business
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was trudging through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried towards it, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5"
The Taliban shouted, "Infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie! I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK, OK" said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead, and said "Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
3 spies, a french one, a british one, and an italian one, are captured by al-qaeda...
the terrorists tie each of them up and put the brit and the italian in a locked room. they take the frenchman to a room for 6 hours, torturing information out of him. when they finish with him, they take the brit to the room, who lasts 12 hours. they finally take the italian into the room, but as much as they t**... him, they cant get any information out of him.
the brit and the frenchman ask him how it goes and he says "i couldnt say anything." they ask him why and he says "my hands were tied!"
Hillary and Trump tie in the election...
And the election moderator isn't sure what to do. So he decides that the president will be decided by a foot race around the White House lawn.
Trump is up first, and his final time around the lawn is 10 minutes 11 seconds.
Hillary is up next, and her final time around the lawn is 9:20.
The moderator tells Hillary she's won the election and the presidency, and tells her her time. Hillary asks "9:20? Is that a record around the lawn?"
The moderator says "No, Bush did 9:11".
Three bass players walk into a bar.
They're actually in the middle of performing Beethoven's 9th symphony, but there's a long section near the end where the basses don't play, so they decide to go to the bar next door and grab a drink.
To know when to come back for the end of the symphony, the bassists tie a string to the conductor's score a few pages before they start playing again. When he turns the page, it'll tug on the string and they'll know to head back to the concert hall.
So the symphony goes on, and pretty soon the conductor realizes he's in trouble.
It's the bottom of the ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded.
Harry is taking a stroll through the woods....
...when he finds a large hole in the ground. The hole seems ridiculously deep, so Harry takes a small rock and throws it down the hole. Then he listens for the sound of the rock hitting the ground below. He doesn't hear anything, so next he tries a larger rock. Still, no sound. He looks around for something larger, and he finds an old railroad tie. He lifts up the railroad tie and chucks it down the hole. Still no sound.
Then out of NOWHERE, Harry sees a goat charging at him full speed from behind. Harry dives out of the way, then watches as the goat charges strait down the hole.
Harry is sitting there, perplexed, when a farmer approaches Harry and asks
Farmer: "Hey son, you haven't seen a goat around here have you?"
Harry: "Actually, Yes I did! It was the strangest thing, a goat just charged me full speed! I was just able to get out of the way. THEN the goat ran strait down that hole over there" as Harry points to the hole.
Farmer: "That's impossible, I tied that goat to a railroad tie"
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together
After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.
"I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."
"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
Buddy's been driving all night, sees a roadside bar and stops for a much-needed cold beer.
Bouncer says "sorry bud, gotta have a tie to get in".
Buddy goes to his car, roots thru the trunk and can't find a tie. Grabs his jumper cables and wraps them around his neck.
Bouncer says "cool man, come on in...just don't start anything".
....I'll see myself out now.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you t**... an Italian?
Tie their hands behind their back and force them to talk
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's 18 long and hangs around an a**...!
A lawyer's tie!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A penguin goes into a pub...
At the bar the peanuts say:
"Nice tie Mr!"
In the toilets the c**... machine says :
"You look s**... in that tie"
So he complains to the barman. The barman says :
"the peanuts are complimentary but the c**... machine is out of order"
This was the best joke of my birthday cards this morning, so thither I would share.
My friend and I had a tuxedo contest
But then we realized we both forgot a crucial clothing piece.
It was a tie.
Q: What do you call a trucker wearing a suit and tie?
A: the defendant
Source: I'm a trucker. (reformed)
For the young and/or foreign:
Defendant - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defendant
In a criminal trial, a defendant is any person accused (charged) of committing an offence (a crime), an act defined as punishable under criminal law.
When we were kids, my brothers and I would race to put our shoes on every morning.
It always ended in a tie.
How do you tie your spaceship to the dock?
With an astronaut.
Which is better: An ascot or a cravat?
Its a tie
My friends and I had a competition to see what the most difficult to put on accessory was.
The end result was a tie.
My pops asked me what my favorite commercial. I looked at him and said,
It's a tie, Dad.
Force Awakens joke my 9yo made up
What did Poe ask Finn when they went fishing?
"Do you know how to tie a fly tighter?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you stop an Italian from talking?
Tie his hands together
How do Germans tie their shoes...
.... in little knotsies
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Knock, knock!
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Fornication.
Fornication who?
Fornication like this you should wear a black tie.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A joke from my 84yo patient earlier today...
When a man and a woman get married, they apply for a marriage license. When two l**... tie the knot, what do they get?
A liquor license! (read it out loud)
Do you know what you get when you tie two Communist table napkins together?
A Serviette Union
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why can't Chinese people tie their shoes?
I would love to tell you, but I am afraid the answer is a little bit lacist.
You can never win
So, the Jewish guy gets two ties from his mom for his birthday.
A couple of weeks later his mom comes for a visit, and he decides to wear one of his ties as a thank you gesture.
He opens the door when she knocks on the door, and the first thing his mom says:
"What's wrong with the other tie?"
A man walks into a bar with a little sliver of metal on his tie...
The barman says "sorry, we don't want your tie-pin here"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A girl asked me if I knew how to tie a noose.
I told her that if she came over I could show her the ropes and then we could hang
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My girlfriend likes to tie me to the bed and cover me in chocolate and caramel
She's a dominatwix
If you want a good vacation, don't tie your shoes
You'll have a nice trip
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A wife comes home with some gifts for her husband.
Wife: babe, I got you this beautiful tie.
Husband: that's very nice of you. But why?
Wife: because I love you. Also, I brought you cold beer, your favorite.
Husband: oh, thank you my love.
Wife: and I was thinking, what about... after finishing these beers, we go to bed and have s**....
The husband thinks for a moment..., then he says: mary, what happened to the car?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you get an Italian to stop speaking ?
Tie up their hands.
What kind of tie is best to wear in a fight?
Muay Thai
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Woman: "I'm a s**... for a man in a suit and tie."
Man: "You had me at 'I'm a s**...'."
Jesus and Satan are having a contest
They want to see who is the best programmer.
So the first challenge is screens. It's a tie.
Then Assembly. Tie again.
Web Design. Tie again.
Challenge after challenge nobody is winning. So after like five days the power fails. So they wait for it to come back on. Then when the power come back on Jesus is the clear winner.
Because Jesus saves.
What sounds do TIE Fighter lasers make?
P2W! P2W!
Can anybody else here tie pieces of string with their mind?
Thought knot...
What did the shoelace say when I tried to tie it?
Uh, like, can you knot?
*yessss my first original joke*
Why do you put diapers on a baby?
To tie up loose ends
*nervously plays with tie* "I'm sorry. I'm no good during job interviews."
"That's ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk."
I made a contest to see which silkworm would produce more silk.
But it just ended up in a tie.
You need to be able do your shoelaces before you get married.
Otherwise you might struggle to tie the knot.
Should you tie or stitch your loose ends?
Maybe sew maybe knot!
A man takes his grandfather clock in to be repaired….
The repair person in the clock shop is an old German. The man says my grandfather clock only goes tik tik tik tik. They take the clock to the back room of the shop and tie it to a chair. The old man then lights up a cigarette, take a big drag, and blows the smoke in the clocks face. He sets the cigarette aside, looks at the clock and says……….Ve haf vays to make you tock.
I was trying to make a pun about knots...
...But I couldn't tie it together
