The Best 78 Ticket Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Ticket jokes. There are some ticket cinema jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these ticket officer puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Ticket Jokes and Puns

Ticket Please

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, instead he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

Just bought a raffle ticket, top prize a Mediterranean cruise.

Last week's was a rollover

What do a tampon and a redsox season ticket holder have in common?

Both have a great place to go but at a terrible time.

Ticket joke, What do a tampon and a redsox season ticket holder have in common?

Stalin, Kruschev, and Brezhnev are riding a train when it suddenly grinds to a halt.

Stalin says, "I know what to do. We shoot the conductor, the ticket collector, and ten passengers at random. Then the train will run again."

"No, I have a better idea," says Kruchev. "We tell everyone on the train that true communism is just around the corner! Then the train will run again."

"Tovarishi, you're trying too hard," Brezhnev cuts in. "We simply close the curtains, lean back and have a vodka, and *pretend* the train is running!"

A die-hard fan was very surprised to see an empty seat at the Superbowl...

He noticed a woman sitting next to the empty seat and made a remark about it to her. "Well, it was my husband's", she said. "But he died." "Oh my gosh!" He said. "I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm surprised that another friend or family member didn't jump at the chance to take the ticket." "Beats me", she said. "They all insisted on going to the funeral."


A women gets pulled over.

Attempting to get out of a ticket, she tries, as the cop is walking to her car, to try flirting.
"Hi," she says seductively.
"Hi," he replies.
"I thought you didn't give pretty ladies tickets?" She pouts.
"You're right, we don't. Here's your ticket, have a nice day."

Lawyers and Engineers

Three lawyers and three engineers are at a train station on their way to a conference. The lawyers line up and buy three tickets, but the engineers only buy one ticket between the three of them. The lawyers are confused, and ask how the engineers plan on taking the train with only one ticket. The engineers just tell them to wait and see.

So they all board the train. The lawyers each take a seat, but the engineers all crowd in to a bathroom. The train starts moving and the conductor comes around punching tickets. He punches each of the lawyers' tickets, and then knocks on the bathroom door and says "Ticket please!" The engineers crack open the door and slide out the one ticket, which the conductor punches and then slides back through the door.

The lawyers think this is pretty clever, so on the return trip, they buy one ticket for the three of them, but then the engineers don't buy any tickets at all. The lawyers ask how the engineers plan on taking the train without any tickets, and the engineers just tell them to wait and see.

So once again they board the train. The three lawyers crowd into one bathroom, and the three engineers crowd into another bathroom. Once the train starts moving, one of the engineers exits the bathroom, knocks on the door of the lawyers' bathroom, and says "Ticket please!"

Ticket joke, Lawyers and Engineers

What's the fastest thing in Africa?

Ethiopian with a dinner ticket.

I have a kid in africa

which I feed, clothe and school for less than a dollar a day, which is really cheap.

Ofcourse the plane ticket to send him there was quite expensive, but now it's really working out.

(stolen from the awesome Jeselnik)

"What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket, Officer?"

"Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."

Empty seat at the world cup

Its the world cup final and a man sits down and realizes that the seat next to him is empty. He turns to the guy the other side of the seat and asks. "is the person sitting here with you?"

The man cheerlessly replies, "it was my wife's seat, but she sadly passed away"

"how awful, do you not have any family or friends you could have given the ticket to?"

"well no, they're all at the funeral"

You can explore ticket pittsburgh reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean ticket passport dad jokes. There are also ticket puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Nerd joke

A photon walks up to an airline counter to buy a ticket and the clerk asks "any baggage to check?" The photon replies "No, I'm traveling light."

Nineteen blondes go to the cinema...

when the ticket vendor asked why there are so many of them they replied "the film said 18 or over".

Getting on a plane . . .

. . . I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to LA, and send one to Miami."

She told me, "We can't do that!"

I told her, "Well you did it last week!"

Movie theater madness

A young lad did some work for a farmer and when he was done was given a goose as barter payment. He tucked the goose under his arm and began walking home. As he was passing through town he noticed that a movie that he wanted to see was playing at the theater. Since they didn't allow animals he stuffed the goose down his pants, paid for his ticket and found a seat in the packed theater next to two old ladies as the lights dimmed.

The goose began to struggle and not wanting to be discovered, the young man inconspicuously unzipped his fly so that the goose could breathe. Shortly thereafter, one of the old ladies nudged the other, "Edna, the boy sitting next to me has his fly unzipped and something is sticking out!"

"Martha", her companion replied,"When you've seen one you've seen 'em all."

"Well you've never seen one like this before. It's eating my popcorn!"

SchrΓΆdinger is in a car...

...and gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. The cop, after writing a ticket, notices a peculiar smell and asks to check for the source. After looking under the car, glancing over at the backseat and popping the trunk, he rushes over.
Cop: "Sir! Did you know you have a dead cat in your trunk?"
SchrΓΆdinger: "I do now"

Ticket joke, SchrΓΆdinger is in a car...

A husband and wife are arguing...

"What would you do if I won the lottery?" he demands.

"I'd take half the money and be gone so fast you'd be dizzy," she replies.

"My scratch ticket won ten bucks. Here's five. Let me get the door."

A guy is taking his girlfriend to the prom

He waits in the ticket line for a really long time but he eventually gets them. He goes to rent a limo. The rental line is really long but he eventually does it. He goes to buy her flowers. The line at the florist is really long but he eventually gets the flowers. At prom, she asks him to get some punch. He goes to the refreshment table and there's no punchline.

A police officer stops a driver...

A police officer stops a driver to give him a ticket. He looks at the guy's driver license and says, "This says here that you need to wear corrective lenses when you drive."

The guy replies, "I have contacts".

The cops says, "I dont care who you know you still need corrective lenses"


How many IT people does it take to change a light bulb?

Do you have a ticket for that?

I took my kids to the aquarium.

"If you get really close to the glass maybe the whale will talk to you!" I suggested to my son.

"Grow up," said the woman behind the ticket booth.

A blonde boards a plane to Miami...

A blonde boards a plane to Miami and takes a seat in first class even though she has an economy ticket. A flight attendant tells her several times to move to economy class, but the blonde doesn't listen. Exasperated, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit. Seconds later the pilot steps out and whispers something in the blonde's ear. Immediately, she gets up from her seat and goes to economy class. Intrigued, the flight attendant asks the pilot how he managed to convince her to relinquish her seat.
"Easy" says the pilot, "I told her first class doesn't go to Miami"

A man finds a penguin walking down the street

He grabs the penguin and puts it in his car and starts to speed away when a cop pulls him over.

The cop walks up to the car and asks the man what he's doing with the penguin.

"He was just walking down the road," the man said.

"Well, take him to the zoo and I won't give you a ticket for speeding." The man agrees and drives away.

A week later the cop sees the same man drive by and he still has the penguin in the car. He pulls over the car again and says to the man, "I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!?"

"Yes," the man says, " I did. Today we're going to the movies."

What happened to the man with a legal fetish when he went to court for his parking ticket?

He got off on a technicality

Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day.



Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

I have two tickets to the 2017 Superbowl, but I'm getting married that day so I can't go.

If you're interested in going in my place, the wedding is at St. Peter's church and her name is Laura.

I was on the train having a poo.

When the ticket inspector knocked on the toilet door and said, "Ticket please."

"There you go," I replied, passing it under the door.

"Thanks for the free ticket." replied the voice, running away.

We must follow our policy. . .

I was at the airport the other day to pick someone up but their flight was delayed so I wandered around a bit. I noticed a big scene at one of the airline check ins. there was this agitated vulture holding a couple of dead possums arguing loudly with a whole group of ticket agents. I kinda felt bad for the guy but the airline did have a one carrion policy.

Olympics Ticket

To whoever might interest, a friend of mine bought a ticket for the Olympics football finals, but he didn't realize the date was the same as his upcoming marriage.

If any of you wants to take his place, with everything already paid, the marriage takes place at the Catholic Church and the bride's name is Joanna.

Value of a season ticket!

A woman was reading a newspaper one morning and said A her husband,

'Look at this, dear. There's an article here about a man who traded his wife for a season ticket to Arsenal. You wouldn't do a thing like that,-would you?'

'Of course I wouldn't!' replied her husband. 'The season's almost over!'

A policeman pulls over a driver and starts writing out a ticket

The driver says to the policeman 'I didn't realise the local policeman department were selling tickets to their annual ball'

The policeman responds 'What are you talking about, we don't have any balls'

The driver replies 'yeah didn't think so'

So my cousin screwed up bigtime

My cousin has two tickets for the 2017 SUPER BOWL, both box seats. He paid $2,500 each ticket, but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding.

If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place... It's at St. Joseph Church, in Warwick, RI at 3 p.m. Her name is Amanda. She's 5'2, about 130 lbs. She's a good cook, too. She'll be the one in the white dress.

Guy goes to a ballgame...

...finds his seat and sees an elderly fellow in the next row with an empty seat beside him. They get to chatting and he asks if the seat is taken:

"Not anymore. My wife and I used to go to all the games together, but she died. This is the first game I've been to since!"

"Oh, I'm so sorry. Couldn't you give the ticket to a friend, or a family member?"

"Nah. They're all at the funeral."

A kinky passenger grinningly exposed himself to a stewardess as he boarded the plane.

"I'm sorry," said the woman, "but you'll have to show me your ticket, not your stub."

My wife and I were driving home last night, both of us feeling horny…

We couldn't wait to get home, so I pulled into a quiet road and we got down to it.

Then a cop on a motorbike came round the corner and gave me a ticket.

I said "What the fuck's this for?"

He replied, "That's for doing 69 in a 30 zone."

Things that will get you kicked off an United Airlines flight:

1)Wearing leggings
2)Having an United Airlines ticket

-Dan Regan

A man went to the United Airlines counter

A man went to the United Airlines counter. The ticket agent asked, Sir, do you have reservations?
He replied, Reservations? Of course I have reservations, but I'm flying anyway.

I'm starting to feel that the united airlines memes are like beating a dead horse.

so to save everyone some energy I bought the horse a ticket to fly United.

Got a parking ticket the other day for being parked illegally.

Not sure why. The sign clearly said 'Fine for parking'.

Tickets for the Indiana State Philharmonic went up dramatically after they doubled the width of the stage.

You didn't think that the ISP would give out twice the band width for free did you?

Hey girl, are you a parking ticket?

Because I picked you up on the street, and now I can't afford to pay you.

A circus performer is pulled over for speeding.

As the officer is writing the ticket, he notices several machetes in the back seat of the car.

What are those for? he asks suspiciously.

I'm a juggler, the driver replies. I use those in my act.

Well, show me, the officer demands.

So the juggler gets out and starts juggling: one, two, three, four, and finally seven machetes at one time. He does overhand, underhand, and behind the back.

Another car passes by. The driver does a double take and says: My God, if that's the test they're giving now, I've got to give up drinking!

Blonde gets caught speeding.

The cop is also a blonde.

Cop: Let me see your driver's license.

Driver: What's that?

Cop: A square thing with your picture on it.

Blonde fumbles through her purse, finds a mirror, sees herself in it, and hands it to the cop.

Cop looks at it, hands it back and says,

I'm gonna let you go without a ticket. I didn't know you were a cop.

(

Hey girl, are you a parking ticket?

Because NO ONE LIKES YOU

I parked in three different handicap parking spots last week. No ticket, and no dirty looks.

Apparently the "MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN" bumper sticker is accepted nation wide now.

Whats the difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man arguing with his wife?

The man buying a lottery ticket actually has a chance of winning.

Insulted on the Bus

A woman gets on the bus, and as she is paying for her ticket, the bus driver tells her, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" Maddened, she walks away. She tells the man that she sits down next to, "Wow, I was just insulted by the bus driver!" The man said, "You shouldn't have to deal with that! Go give him a piece of your mind. I'll hold your monkey."

A guy prays to god. please let me win the lottery .

Nothing happens and the next week he prays again I really need the money, please let me win the lottery .

Another week passes and still nothing so he goes to the top of a mountain and screams out if I don't win the lottery, I'm going to jump! . And then he hears a booming voice...

Buy a ticket!

A man gets pulled over for speeding

When the officer approaches his vehicle he tells the man "sir, it's been a long day, and I'm ready to go home. If you can give me a good reason as to why you were speeding I might let you go without a ticket."

The man looks at him and says "well officer, years ago my wife left me for a state trooper, and when I saw you coming for me, I thought you were bringing her back.

Officer says "Have a nice day sir"

I bought a lottery ticket on the way home on Valentine's Day...

...at least now I have a chance of getting lucky.

A black guy at the cinema told me (a white guy) I wasn't allowed to watch Black Panther.

Apparently I have to "buy" a "ticket"

An 18 year old in America is allowed to buy an AR-15, vote, enlist in the army, buy cigarettes, get a lottery ticket, and die for their country...

...but god FORBID they try to rent a car.

I got pulled over for speeding in a Chevette.

The cop didn't want to give me a ticket; he just wanted to know how I did it.

A stupid person buys a lottery ticket for $1

To his delight, he won a million dollars. Going forward to claim his prize, he was informed that he will be paid in $1000 instalments. Appalled and shocked, he shouted to the register, give me my million dollars or give me my $1 back

What am I supposed to do with this? "What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."

My friend had purchased an extra stand-up comedy ticket for me. I turned him down.

After all, I could never enjoy jokes at other people's expense.

A highway patrolman pulls over an elderly woman for speeding.

"Ma'am," he tells her, "I clocked you doing 72 MPH. The speed limit on this road is 55."

"But, Officer, the sign back there said it was 75!"

"No, Ma'am, that wasn't a speed limit sign, that was the route sign. You're on State Highway 75. I'm sorry for your confusion, but I still have to write you a ticket."

"Oh, that's okay, Sonny; I understand. I'm just glad I didn't run across you back there on Route 135."

A woman gets onto a bus with her baby

As she's paying for her ticket the bus driver says that's got to be the ugliest baby I've ever seen!
The woman goes to the back of the bus, furious, she says to the man sitting next to her the bus driver just insulted me! , the man says go give him a piece of your mind then! Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you!

Two men on a train both have black eyes.

Man 1: "how did you get that black eye?"

Man 2: "I was buying my ticket from this beautiful busty girl and instead of saying 'a ticket to Pittsburgh' I accidentally said I wanted 'a picket to Tittsburgh' so she hit me. How about you?"

Man 1: "Yeah, something similar happened to me. I was sitting around having breakfast with my wife and I meant to say 'pass the wheaties' and I accidentally said 'you ruined my life you stupid bitch'."

I bought a ticket to world cup finals without realizing it's also my wedding day! Does anyone want to go in my place?

The church is St Antony's and the brides' name is Joanna..

I got a speeding ticket last month and took it to court

Rudy Giuliani was my lawyer and plead me down to second degree murder

I gave a man a flight ticket and he flew for a day.

My friend pushed a man off a plane and he flew for the rest of his life.

I just won 10 million dollars from a lottery ticket. I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

Those were the proudest 25 cents I ever donated.

Julius Caesar and Marcus Brutus are at the airport

Brutus: Which is our boarding gate Caesar?
Caesar: A-2 Brutus

Brutus: And what time is the flight Caesar?
Caesar: 8:02 Brutus

Brutus: By the way, I have sandwiches. Do you want one Caesar?
Caesar: Ate two Brutus

Brutus: This is an unusual paper size for a ticket. What size is it Caesar?
Caesar: A2 Brutus

Brutus (Thinking to himself): This man is really getting on my nerves. One of these days I'm going to have to kill him

Yesterday, I approached a gorgeous girl, and she was pleased, which wasn't something I expected

I asked the girl for a movie.

She : "Which movie"? with a sweet smile.

Me : "You decide".

She : "No, you should decide"

Me : "No, you decide"

She : "Sir, please select which movie ticket you want. There are others behind you in the line as well"

Confucius once said...

"Buy a man an airplane ticket, and he flies for a day. Throw a man out of a flying plane, and he flies for the rest of his life."

Just got my ticket to the Fibonacci convention!

It's going to be as big as the last two years put together.

If you buy a man a plane ticket he will fly once

But if you kick him out of the plane he will fly for the rest of his life.

A Mexican man visits his cousin in the US

He wants to watch a baseball game; an integral part of American culture, he has heard. Unable to purchase a ticket, he scales the stadium facade and watches while clinging to the roof.

Afterwards, his cousin enquires about his experience.

It was great! He says. Americans are so considerate! Before the game began they asked me: Jose, can you see?

Wanna hear a joke about a parking ticket?

No??

FINE.

My dad confiscated my weed so I stole his flight ticket,

neither of us is getting high today

Why was the ticket taker fired?

For not cutting corners.

TicketMaster was just fined $10 million for hacking into a competitor

At least they were told it would be $10 million, but when they went on the court's website to pay the fine, the site tacked on a bunch of "processing fees" and "venue charges" and the total came out to more like $15 million.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What a crappy day. I got stopped and the police officer wrote me a ticket for not having hubcaps on my car," he tells the bartender. "What? That's not illegal" the bartender says. "That's what I thought, too. But he wrote me a ticket for indecent exposure," the guy says. "He said my nuts were showing."

A scientist gets pulled over.

The policeman says Sir, you ran a red light. The scientist said I could've sworn it was green. The policeman says Understandable. And gives the scientist a 111,075,071 mph speeding ticket.

What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."

A picket to Tittsburgh

A guy travels out to visit a friend of his in Pittsburgh who is going through some hard times. His friend picks him up at the airport.

"How was the flight?"

"The flight was fine but I embarrassed myself when I bought my ticket."

"Oh? What happened?"

"The woman at the counter was very attractive and instead of asking for a ticket to Pittsburgh, I asked for a picket to Tittsburgh."

"Oh that's just a Freudian slip. Happens all the time. Just the other night at dinner I meant to ask my wife to pass the salt but instead said 'you ruined my life you bitch'".

I set up a small nuclear power plant in my garage.

It was running well until I got busted by a fish and game warden of all people. He gave me a fat ticket for not having a fission license.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the ticket titsburgh jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working ticket season ticket piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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