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Ticket Jokes

153 ticket jokes and hilarious ticket puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about ticket that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Discover hilarious ticket jokes that will have you and your friends in stitches. Whether it’s a ticket to hell, a ticket to ride, a parking ticket or a lottery ticket, we’ve got it all covered. Read on to find the funniest jokes about the ticket collector, speeding ticket, raffle ticket, picket, trooper, and Pittsburgh.

Funniest Ticket Short Jokes

Short ticket jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The ticket humour may include short booking jokes also.

  1. I told the cop, You can't write me a ticket. I have a marathon to run tomorrow. The cop said, Sir, that's not how you play the race card.
  2. If you buy a man a plane ticket, he will fly for a day… If you push a man out of a plane, he will fly for the rest of his life
  3. Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day.
    Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
  4. If I was a cop I would be ticketing people for not using their turn signals.. Left and right
  5. I felt like a fool when I bought David Bowie tickets for my son and then remembered that he died last year... Even more so when I remembered that David Bowie died too.
  6. Got a parking ticket the other day for being parked illegally. Not sure why. The sign clearly said 'Fine for parking'.
  7. Officer, you can't give me a ticket. I have to go run the marathon tomorrow. Cop: That's not how you play the race card.
  8. Nerd joke A photon walks up to an airline counter to buy a ticket and the clerk asks "any baggage to check?" The photon replies "No, I'm traveling light."
  9. Things that will get you kicked off an United Airlines flight: 1)Wearing leggings
    2)Having an United Airlines ticket
    -Dan Regan
  10. PSA: IF YOU RECEIVE AN EMAIL SAYING, "You've won two free tickets to a Justin Bieber concert!" DO NOT OPEN IT. It contains two tickets to a justin bieber concert.

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Ticket One Liners

Which ticket one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with ticket? I can suggest the ones about passport and track.

  1. Seminar "How to avoid frauds" is canceled. Tickets are non-refundable.
  2. How many IT people does it take to change a light bulb? Do you have a ticket for that?
  3. Got a parking ticket yesterday. Not sure why. The sign said fine for parking.
  4. Wanna hear a joke about a parking ticket? No??
    FINE.
  5. Anyone want 2 free tickets to a fight? I've got seats 29A & B on United flight 1807.
  6. Why do Spanish men get half price movie tickets? They take the señor discount.
  7. So I hear Tickets to Guam are cheap this time of year....
  8. What's the fastest thing in Africa? Ethiopian with a dinner ticket.
  9. Just bought a raffle ticket, top prize a Mediterranean cruise. Last week's was a rollover
  10. It irritates me that I never win the lottery Maybe I should start buying lottery tickets.
  11. I just won a free ticket to go on an African safari! kenya believe it?
  12. Where do cats stand when they want to buy a train ticket? In the FEE-line.
  13. Hey girl, are you a parking ticket? Because NO ONE LIKES YOU
  14. You're so ugly… That when your mom gave birth to you, she got a ticket for littering.
  15. What happens to a frog who does not pay his parking tickets? His car gets Toad!

Speeding Ticket Jokes

Here is a list of funny speeding ticket jokes and even better speeding ticket puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Driver : "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?" Officer : "Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."
  • I got pulled over for speeding in my Prius The cop didn't give me a ticket. He just wanted to know how I did it.
  • "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket, Officer?" "Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."
  • The city of Chicago is no longer giving speeding tickets... Instead, to deter speeders, the are giving away Bears tickets.
  • I had a speeding ticket dismissed by a judge who knew his physics The cop wrote down my location, so I told the judge if he knew where I was, he couldn't possibly measure my velocity.
  • I got pulled over for speeding in a Chevette. The cop didn't want to give me a ticket; he just wanted to know how I did it.
  • My wife is speeding and lying about it to me... I can't find any tickets as proof but her friends tell me almost every day that she is getting nailed by 2 cops.
  • What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket. Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."
  • I keep getting tickets for speeding, but like they say... ...it's a hard habit to brake.
  • Got a speeding ticket the other day. There was this sign that said "Construction 35mph ahead". I figured, I had four people in the car ...

Parking Ticket Jokes

Here is a list of funny parking ticket jokes and even better parking ticket puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!! Judge: Repeat infractions?
    Man: Fine. 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!!
  • Hey girl, are you a parking ticket? Because I picked you up on the street, and now I can't afford to pay you.
  • Be careful parking around the AT&T Stadium I left my car for about 15 minutes with my Cowboys tickets in the front seat.
    Someone broke in and left two more
  • When the Mexican guy forgot his ticket to the water park, the employee let him in anyway Typically I'm a stickler about this sort of thing, he remarked But I'm gonna let this Juan slide.
  • I parked in three different handicap parking spots last week. No ticket, and no dirty looks. Apparently the "MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN" bumper sticker is accepted nation wide now.
  • I got ripped off at the amusement park. A guy sold me tickets to the ferrous wheel.
    Turns out it's made of aluminium.
  • Man: Judge, I want to contest 60% of my parking tickets. Judge: Repeat infractions?
    Man: Ok. I want to contest 3/5 of my parking tickets.
  • I left my car between the numerator and denominator. I got a ticket for parking in fraction.
  • My dad came to visit for the weekend. Today he awoke and found a parking ticket on his car. He said, "Looks like today is turning out to be a fine day."
  • Why did parking tickets increase after Persephone was kidnapped? Demeter wasn't working.
Ticket joke, Why did parking tickets increase after Persephone was kidnapped?

Lottery Ticket Jokes

Here is a list of funny lottery ticket jokes and even better lottery ticket puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • People are like lottery tickets. You can point to a random one, say it's a loser, and you'll be right most of the time.
  • An 18 year old in America is allowed to buy an AR-15, vote, enlist in the army, buy cigarettes, get a lottery ticket, and die for their country... ...but god FORBID they try to rent a car.
  • Whats the difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man arguing with his wife? The man buying a lottery ticket actually has a chance of winning.
  • I just won $10 in the lottery The lottery boy came and wanted to sell me a $10 lottery ticket.
    I said no.
  • I just won 10 million dollars from a lottery ticket. I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Those were the proudest 25 cents I ever donated.
  • I bought a lottery ticket on the way home on Valentine's Day... ...at least now I have a chance of getting lucky.
  • whenever i think about buying a lottery ticket i think about my ex and remember i don't know how to pick winners.
  • Someone told me Im more likely to die from a lightning strike while on the way to buying a lottery ticket than actually winning the lottery. Either way I hit the jackpot.
  • What's the difference between the Denver Broncos and a lottery ticket One has a better chance of getting struck by lightning than winning, the other is a lottery ticket
  • Newfie joke of the day is window I know lottery tickets are a waste of money, but I just might win-dow

Raffle Ticket Jokes

Here is a list of funny raffle ticket jokes and even better raffle ticket puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What happens when you win a raffle twice that gave you five for the price of three on rugby tickets? You won two, three for five six nations tickets
  • My friend has just got back from Africa and isn't feeling well He keeps buying raffle tickets. Im worried he has tombola...
  • Prisoner A approaches Prisoner B... "Wanna buy a ticket for the Chief Wardens ball?"
    "Nah. I don't dance."
    "It's not a dance, it's a raffle".
  • I bought some raffle tickets from a local charity for a big fundraiser and won the early bird prize. It was a worm.
Ticket joke, I bought some raffle tickets from a local charity for a big fundraiser and won the early bird prize.

Delightful Fun Ticket Jokes for a Roaring Good Time

What funny jokes about ticket you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean trip jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make ticket pranks.

Ticket Please

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, instead he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

What do a t**... and a redsox season ticket holder have in common?

Both have a great place to go but at a terrible time.

Stalin, Kruschev, and Brezhnev are riding a train when it suddenly grinds to a halt.

Stalin says, "I know what to do. We shoot the conductor, the ticket collector, and ten passengers at random. Then the train will run again."
"No, I have a better idea," says Kruchev. "We tell everyone on the train that true communism is just around the corner! Then the train will run again."
"Tovarishi, you're trying too hard," Brezhnev cuts in. "We simply close the curtains, lean back and have a v**..., and *pretend* the train is running!"

A die-hard fan was very surprised to see an empty seat at the Superbowl...

He noticed a woman sitting next to the empty seat and made a remark about it to her. "Well, it was my husband's", she said. "But he died." "Oh my gosh!" He said. "I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm surprised that another friend or family member didn't jump at the chance to take the ticket." "Beats me", she said. "They all insisted on going to the f**...."

A women gets pulled over.

Attempting to get out of a ticket, she tries, as the cop is walking to her car, to try flirting.
"Hi," she says seductively.
"Hi," he replies.
"I thought you didn't give pretty ladies tickets?" She pouts.
"You're right, we don't. Here's your ticket, have a nice day."

Lawyers and Engineers

Three lawyers and three engineers are at a train station on their way to a conference. The lawyers line up and buy three tickets, but the engineers only buy one ticket between the three of them. The lawyers are confused, and ask how the engineers plan on taking the train with only one ticket. The engineers just tell them to wait and see.
So they all board the train. The lawyers each take a seat, but the engineers all crowd in to a bathroom. The train starts moving and the conductor comes around punching tickets. He punches each of the lawyers' tickets, and then knocks on the bathroom door and says "Ticket please!" The engineers crack open the door and slide out the one ticket, which the conductor punches and then slides back through the door.
The lawyers think this is pretty clever, so on the return trip, they buy one ticket for the three of them, but then the engineers don't buy any tickets at all. The lawyers ask how the engineers plan on taking the train without any tickets, and the engineers just tell them to wait and see.
So once again they board the train. The three lawyers crowd into one bathroom, and the three engineers crowd into another bathroom. Once the train starts moving, one of the engineers exits the bathroom, knocks on the door of the lawyers' bathroom, and says "Ticket please!"

I have a kid in africa

which I feed, clothe and school for less than a dollar a day, which is really cheap.
Ofcourse the plane ticket to send him there was quite expensive, but now it's really working out.
(stolen from the awesome Jeselnik)

Empty seat at the world cup

Its the world cup final and a man sits down and realizes that the seat next to him is empty. He turns to the guy the other side of the seat and asks. "is the person sitting here with you?"
The man cheerlessly replies, "it was my wife's seat, but she sadly passed away"
"how awful, do you not have any family or friends you could have given the ticket to?"
"well no, they're all at the f**..."

Nineteen blondes go to the cinema...

when the ticket vendor asked why there are so many of them they replied "the film said 18 or over".

Getting on a plane . . .

. . . I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to LA, and send one to Miami."
She told me, "We can't do that!"
I told her, "Well you did it last week!"

Movie theater madness

A young lad did some work for a farmer and when he was done was given a goose as barter payment. He tucked the goose under his arm and began walking home. As he was passing through town he noticed that a movie that he wanted to see was playing at the theater. Since they didn't allow animals he stuffed the goose down his pants, paid for his ticket and found a seat in the packed theater next to two old ladies as the lights dimmed.
The goose began to struggle and not wanting to be discovered, the young man inconspicuously unzipped his fly so that the goose could breathe. Shortly thereafter, one of the old ladies nudged the other, "Edna, the boy sitting next to me has his fly unzipped and something is sticking out!"
"Martha", her companion replied,"When you've seen one you've seen 'em all."
"Well you've never seen one like this before. It's eating my popcorn!"

Schrödinger is in a car...

...and gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. The cop, after writing a ticket, notices a peculiar smell and asks to check for the source. After looking under the car, glancing over at the backseat and popping the trunk, he rushes over.
Cop: "Sir! Did you know you have a dead cat in your trunk?"
Schrödinger: "I do now"

A husband and wife are arguing...

"What would you do if I won the lottery?" he demands.
"I'd take half the money and be gone so fast you'd be dizzy," she replies.
"My scratch ticket won ten bucks. Here's five. Let me get the door."

A guy is taking his girlfriend to the prom

He waits in the ticket line for a really long time but he eventually gets them. He goes to rent a limo. The rental line is really long but he eventually does it. He goes to buy her flowers. The line at the florist is really long but he eventually gets the flowers. At prom, she asks him to get some punch. He goes to the refreshment table and there's no punchline.

A police officer stops a driver...

A police officer stops a driver to give him a ticket. He looks at the guy's driver license and says, "This says here that you need to wear corrective lenses when you drive."
The guy replies, "I have contacts".
The cops says, "I dont care who you know you still need corrective lenses"

I took my kids to the aquarium.

"If you get really close to the glass maybe the whale will talk to you!" I suggested to my son.
"Grow up," said the woman behind the ticket booth.

A blonde boards a plane to Miami...

A blonde boards a plane to Miami and takes a seat in first class even though she has an economy ticket. A flight attendant tells her several times to move to economy class, but the blonde doesn't listen. Exasperated, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit. Seconds later the pilot steps out and whispers something in the blonde's ear. Immediately, she gets up from her seat and goes to economy class. Intrigued, the flight attendant asks the pilot how he managed to convince her to relinquish her seat.
"Easy" says the pilot, "I told her first class doesn't go to Miami"

A man finds a penguin walking down the street

He grabs the penguin and puts it in his car and starts to speed away when a cop pulls him over.
The cop walks up to the car and asks the man what he's doing with the penguin.
"He was just walking down the road," the man said.
"Well, take him to the zoo and I won't give you a ticket for speeding." The man agrees and drives away.
A week later the cop sees the same man drive by and he still has the penguin in the car. He pulls over the car again and says to the man, "I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!?"
"Yes," the man says, " I did. Today we're going to the movies."

What happened to the man with a legal f**... when he went to court for his parking ticket?

He got off on a technicality

I have two tickets to the 2017 Superbowl, but I'm getting married that day so I can't go.

If you're interested in going in my place, the wedding is at St. Peter's church and her name is Laura.

I was on the train having a p**....

When the ticket inspector knocked on the toilet door and said, "Ticket please."
"There you go," I replied, passing it under the door.
"Thanks for the free ticket." replied the voice, running away.

We must follow our policy. . .

I was at the airport the other day to pick someone up but their flight was delayed so I wandered around a bit. I noticed a big scene at one of the airline check ins. there was this agitated vulture holding a couple of dead possums arguing loudly with a whole group of ticket agents. I kinda felt bad for the guy but the airline did have a one carrion policy.

Olympics Ticket

To whoever might interest, a friend of mine bought a ticket for the Olympics football finals, but he didn't realize the date was the same as his upcoming marriage.
If any of you wants to take his place, with everything already paid, the marriage takes place at the Catholic Church and the bride's name is Joanna.

Value of a season ticket!

A woman was reading a newspaper one morning and said A her husband,
'Look at this, dear. There's an article here about a man who traded his wife for a season ticket to Arsenal. You wouldn't do a thing like that,-would you?'
'Of course I wouldn't!' replied her husband. 'The season's almost over!'

A policeman pulls over a driver and starts writing out a ticket

The driver says to the policeman 'I didn't realise the local policeman department were selling tickets to their annual ball'
The policeman responds 'What are you talking about, we don't have any b**...'
The driver replies 'yeah didn't think so'

So my cousin s**... up bigtime

My cousin has two tickets for the 2017 SUPER BOWL, both box seats. He paid $2,500 each ticket, but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding.
If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place... It's at St. Joseph Church, in Warwick, RI at 3 p.m. Her name is Amanda. She's 5'2, about 130 lbs. She's a good cook, too. She'll be the one in the white dress.

Guy goes to a ballgame...

...finds his seat and sees an elderly fellow in the next row with an empty seat beside him. They get to chatting and he asks if the seat is taken:
"Not anymore. My wife and I used to go to all the games together, but she died. This is the first game I've been to since!"
"Oh, I'm so sorry. Couldn't you give the ticket to a friend, or a family member?"
"Nah. They're all at the f**...."

A k**... passenger grinningly exposed himself to a stewardess as he boarded the plane.

"I'm sorry," said the woman, "but you'll have to show me your ticket, not your stub."

My wife and I were driving home last night, both of us feeling h**...…

We couldn't wait to get home, so I pulled into a quiet road and we got down to it.
Then a cop on a motorbike came round the corner and gave me a ticket.
I said "What the f**...'s this for?"
He replied, "That's for doing 69 in a 30 zone."

A man went to the United Airlines counter

A man went to the United Airlines counter. The ticket agent asked, Sir, do you have reservations?
He replied, Reservations? Of course I have reservations, but I'm flying anyway.

I'm starting to feel that the united airlines memes are like beating a dead horse.

so to save everyone some energy I bought the horse a ticket to fly United.

Tickets for the Indiana State Philharmonic went up dramatically after they doubled the width of the stage.

You didn't think that the ISP would give out twice the band width for free did you?

A circus performer is pulled over for speeding.

As the officer is writing the ticket, he notices several machetes in the back seat of the car.
What are those for? he asks suspiciously.
I'm a juggler, the driver replies. I use those in my act.
Well, show me, the officer demands.
So the juggler gets out and starts juggling: one, two, three, four, and finally seven machetes at one time. He does overhand, underhand, and behind the back.
Another car passes by. The driver does a double take and says: My God, if that's the test they're giving now, I've got to give up drinking!

Blonde gets caught speeding.

The cop is also a blonde.
Cop: Let me see your driver's license.
Driver: What's that?
Cop: A square thing with your picture on it.
Blonde fumbles through her purse, finds a mirror, sees herself in it, and hands it to the cop.
Cop looks at it, hands it back and says,
I'm gonna let you go without a ticket. I didn't know you were a cop.
(

Insulted on the Bus

A woman gets on the bus, and as she is paying for her ticket, the bus driver tells her, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" Maddened, she walks away. She tells the man that she sits down next to, "Wow, I was just insulted by the bus driver!" The man said, "You shouldn't have to deal with that! Go give him a piece of your mind. I'll hold your monkey."

A guy prays to god. please let me win the lottery .

Nothing happens and the next week he prays again I really need the money, please let me win the lottery .
Another week passes and still nothing so he goes to the top of a mountain and screams out if I don't win the lottery, I'm going to jump! . And then he hears a booming voice...
Buy a ticket!

A man gets pulled over for speeding

When the officer approaches his vehicle he tells the man "sir, it's been a long day, and I'm ready to go home. If you can give me a good reason as to why you were speeding I might let you go without a ticket."
The man looks at him and says "well officer, years ago my wife left me for a state trooper, and when I saw you coming for me, I thought you were bringing her back.
Officer says "Have a nice day sir"

A black guy at the cinema told me (a white guy) I wasn't allowed to watch Black Panther.

Apparently I have to "buy" a "ticket"

A s**... person buys a lottery ticket for $1

To his delight, he won a million dollars. Going forward to claim his prize, he was informed that he will be paid in $1000 instalments. Appalled and shocked, he shouted to the register, give me my million dollars or give me my $1 back

What am I supposed to do with this? "What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."

My friend had purchased an extra stand-up comedy ticket for me. I turned him down.

After all, I could never enjoy jokes at other people's expense.

A highway patrolman pulls over an elderly woman for speeding.

"Ma'am," he tells her, "I clocked you doing 72 MPH. The speed limit on this road is 55."
"But, Officer, the sign back there said it was 75!"
"No, Ma'am, that wasn't a speed limit sign, that was the route sign. You're on State Highway 75. I'm sorry for your confusion, but I still have to write you a ticket."
"Oh, that's okay, Sonny; I understand. I'm just glad I didn't run across you back there on Route 135."

A woman gets onto a bus with her baby

As she's paying for her ticket the bus driver says that's got to be the ugliest baby I've ever seen!
The woman goes to the back of the bus, furious, she says to the man sitting next to her the bus driver just insulted me! , the man says go give him a piece of your mind then! Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you!

Two men on a train both have black eyes.

Man 1: "how did you get that black eye?"
Man 2: "I was buying my ticket from this beautiful b**... girl and instead of saying 'a ticket to Pittsburgh' I accidentally said I wanted 'a picket to Tittsburgh' so she hit me. How about you?"
Man 1: "Yeah, something similar happened to me. I was sitting around having breakfast with my wife and I meant to say 'pass the wheaties' and I accidentally said 'you ruined my life you s**... b**...'."

I bought a ticket to world cup finals without realizing it's also my wedding day! Does anyone want to go in my place?

The church is St Antony's and the brides' name is Joanna..

I got a speeding ticket last month and took it to court

Rudy Giuliani was my lawyer and plead me down to second degree m**...

I gave a man a flight ticket and he flew for a day.

My friend pushed a man off a plane and he flew for the rest of his life.

Julius Caesar and Marcus Brutus are at the airport

Brutus: Which is our boarding gate Caesar?
Caesar: A-2 Brutus
Brutus: And what time is the flight Caesar?
Caesar: 8:02 Brutus
Brutus: By the way, I have sandwiches. Do you want one Caesar?
Caesar: Ate two Brutus
Brutus: This is an unusual paper size for a ticket. What size is it Caesar?
Caesar: A2 Brutus
Brutus (Thinking to himself): This man is really getting on my nerves. One of these days I'm going to have to kill him

Yesterday, I approached a gorgeous girl, and she was pleased, which wasn't something I expected

I asked the girl for a movie.
She : "Which movie"? with a sweet smile.
Me : "You decide".
She : "No, you should decide"
Me : "No, you decide"
She : "Sir, please select which movie ticket you want. There are others behind you in the line as well"

Confucius once said...

"Buy a man an airplane ticket, and he flies for a day. Throw a man out of a flying plane, and he flies for the rest of his life."

Just got my ticket to the Fibonacci convention!

It's going to be as big as the last two years put together.

If you buy a man a plane ticket he will fly once

But if you kick him out of the plane he will fly for the rest of his life.

A Mexican man visits his cousin in the US

He wants to watch a baseball game; an integral part of American culture, he has heard. Unable to purchase a ticket, he scales the stadium facade and watches while clinging to the roof.
Afterwards, his cousin enquires about his experience.
It was great! He says. Americans are so considerate! Before the game began they asked me: Jose, can you see?

TicketMaster was just fined $10 million for hacking into a competitor

At least they were told it would be $10 million, but when they went on the court's website to pay the fine, the site tacked on a bunch of "processing fees" and "venue charges" and the total came out to more like $15 million.

Cops gave me a ticket for doing 120 in a 55....

When he asked me why I was going so fast, I told him, "My wife left me for a police officer last week. I thought you were him trying to bring her back."

I told a black man this morning I don't see color...

He told me that's nice, he still had to write me a ticket for running a red light.

A man goes to pray to a statue of an angel at his church

"Please, please, please, let me win the lottery"
Then at least twice a day, if not more often, he goes to church, kneels for the statue and prays:
"Please, please, please, let me win the lottery"
Then, after years of this, a miracle! The statue springs to life in an aura of light and heavenly music and then bends over, looks the man in the face and speaks:
"Please, please, PLEASE buy a lottery ticket!"

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license.

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

A young woman was pulled over for speeding

A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
The State Trooper walked to her car window and opened his ticket book.
The woman said, "I bet you're going to try to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers' Ball."
The trooper told her, "Ma'am, State Troopers don't have b**...."
There was a moment of silence... The trooper tipped his hat, and returned to his car.

Cop: So I'm writing you a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You're going to feel really s**... when you look in my trunk.

Two tickets to the super bowl

A good buddy of mine has 2 Super Bowl tix, 40 yard line box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. Prob bc of the extra game this year.
If you're interested, he's looking for someone to take his place... Try to be on time. It's at Calvary church in Santa Monica at 3pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too. She'll be in the white dress.

I asked the cop, Why are you crying as you are writing me a ticket?

Cop: It's a moving violation.

Ticket joke, I asked the cop,  Why are you crying as you are writing me a ticket?

jokes about ticket