thursday Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious thursday puns

I'll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day!

Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday

Almost on Thursday

Almost on Friday

Almost on Saturday

Almost on Sunday.!

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Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg

The Gregorian calendar

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I looked at my bank account and found I could live the rest of my life comfortably without working...

... as long as I die on Thursday.

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I'd been in a serious accident.

Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.


It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.


She looked deep & steady and I heard her slowly say,

'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'


I managed to mumble in reply,

'Can I feel your tits, then?'

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Monday: Greg Tuesday: Ian Wednesday: Greg Thursday: Ian Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.

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I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink on days that start with letter T.

Tuesday, Thursday and Today.

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I have sex almost every day

Almost on Sunday
Almost on Monday
Almost on Tuesday
Almost on Wednesday
Almost on Thursday
Almost on Friday
And almost on Saturday

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Scientists have just announced the finding of the world's longest penis. At just over five feet, the sight of it has shocked the nation...

...and, even worse, it's going to head a vote to repeal Net Neutrality on Thursday.

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I only drink on days that start with "T"

Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday, Thunday.

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Starting this Thursday, some movie theaters will not allow large bags inside the theater

But thank God I have a few twix up my sleeve

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Three hard-of-hearing friends are sitting together on a bench.

One says "Wow, it sure is windy."

Another corrects, "No, it's Thursday."

The last one says "So am I, let's go inside and drink some tea."

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When you get old, your hearing starts to go...

Three old men are walking down the street one afternoon. The first one remarks "Windy, isn't it?"
The second one says "Nah! It's Thursday."
The third one nods and replies "So am I, let's stop for a drink."

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Three old guys are sitting on a bench in the park

One says, "Windy today."

Another says, "You idiot, it's Thursday."

The third guy says, "Me too, let's go get a beer."

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A Husband came home late at night from the office one day and realised he forgot his Wife's birthday...

"How would you feel if you don't see me for next few days?" His wife said

He couldn't believe his luck. He replied at once. "Wowww.....That would be great!''

Monday passed & he didn't see her....

Tuesday he didn't see her...

and Wednesday passed too...

On Thursday the swelling was better as he caught a glimpse of her from the corner of his left eye.

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Wrong Email

A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

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The inventor of the dissapointing punchline has died

His funeral will be held on Thursday at 2pm.

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So a pirate has been on a ship for 6 months...

but there are no women on the ship and being male,he had some...urges, so he asked the captain " arr its been 6 months since we've had a lass on the ship and some of the others are getting urges. what can we do about them??" and the captain responds" go down to the front of the ship and there will be a barrel, stick your privates in there and go at it." so he did as he was told and when he was done he came back. he told the captain " captain! that was great! how many times can i use it????" and the captain turned to him and said " every day except thursday." and the pirate asked " why?" the captain responded " aye, because thats your turn to be in the barrel."

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A wife and a husband keep diaries.

Wife's diary:

Thursday: I think...he's having an affair. I just don't know what to think. Today, when he came in from work he was so cold and distant with me, like his mind was somewhere else and there was something eating away at him inside. I asked him what was up and he just told me it doesn't matter, I'm fine, don't worry. I went up to bed and contemplated everything, and I realised that there could only be one reason he would be like this. But to my surprise he came up to bed and cuddled me tenderly and we made passionate love. Afterwards he fell asleep and I lie awake thinking about what's going on and cried. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm sure his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband's diary:

Thursday: Spurs lost. Gutted. Got a shag though.

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A windy day

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench.

The first says to her friends "gosh, it's windy today".

The second says "no, it's Thursday".

The third says "so am I. Let's get a drink".

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Man walks into a bar and orders 4 beers.

Drinks them, and leaves.

Next week same time does the same thing: orders 4 beers, drinks them, and leaves.

The third week; same thing. The bartender is curious so he asks. "well, I moved here few weeks ago. Back home my 3 brothers and I met every Thursday after work for a beer. Since I was feeling homesick I figured I would keep up the tradition even if I had to do it alone."

This goes on for several weeks until one week the man comes in and orders three beers and a coke. Bartender says, "I hate to pry but what happened? Did one of your brothers pass away?"

The man chuckles and says, "No nothing like that. I decided to quit drinking."

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Three men with hearing aids are walking down the street

One of them says,
"Brr, it's windy today, ain't it?"
The second man responds,
"No, it's Thursday you idiot."
The last one says,
"Me too, let's go get a drink."

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A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed as it left a New York publishing house last Thursday.

According to the Associated Press,
witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied,
confused, punchy, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered,
mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, flabbergasted,
astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, boggled, 
overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, and perplexed.

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Two 95 year old men, Jack and Sam, are huge baseball fans.

One day, Jack falls seriously ill, and doesn't have long to live. Sam visits him in the hospital to say goodbye. Sam asks him a favor before he passes.

Hey Jack, when you get to heaven, can you see if there is baseball there? If there is, tell me.

I can certainly try, for my best friend.

Later that Wednesday night, Jack passed away. Thursday night, Sam is asleep in bed, when all of the sudden Jacks spirit appears in front of him.

AHHHH! Who are you?

Calm down, calm down. It's me Jack.

Good hell, you scared me half to death.

It's ok, but I've come with good news and bad news.

Well, what's the good news then? pondered Sam.

There is baseball in heaven.

Thank goodness, said Sam, feeling wonderful, but what's the bad news?

You're pitching Tuesday.

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I lent a sexy girl my umbrella Thursday .

That takes the number of girls I have made wet this year to -"1"

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Not Going to Like Thursday

It's a convicts first day in prison. He's a young convict and he's crying. An older convict comes over and sits down. He says look it's not so bad here. For instance, do you like movies? The new guy says, "Yeah I love movies." Every Monday we have movie night, first run movie. Do you like Italian food? The new guy says, "Yeah I like Italian food." On Tuesday in the cafeteria, it is all Italian food. Do you like baseball? The new guy says, "I love baseball." Every Wednesday we have a pick up game and everyone plays even the guards, it is really fun. The old guy says, "One more question, are you by any chance a homosexual?" The new guy says, "no I'm not." Ah, you're not going to like Thursday.

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My boss asked why I have been late 4 times this week

I replied "because it's only Thursday"

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A lady gets on an elevator...

She says to the man standing there, "T-G-I-F!" to which the man replies, "S-H-I-T."
Taken aback the lady repeats, "T-G-I-F! Thank Goodness It's Friday!"
The man gives a smug grin and says, "Sorry Honey. It's Thursday."

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A few minutes ago while I was lifeguarding, an old lady told me that I looked like a lion pacing back and forth.

Now I'm nervous for my dentist appointment on Thursday.

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Two guys are arguing if there is baseball in heaven...

Two guys are arguing about whether there is baseball in heaven. One says there is and the other says there isn't. They go back and forth and in the end agree to disagree. They make a bet that if one of them dies that they come back and tell the other if there really is baseball in heaven. 

A few months later one of the two dies and, true to his word, comes back and tells the other he has good news and bad news. Good news is that there is baseball in heaven! Bad news is you're scheduled to pitch next Thursday.

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Not getting enough carbs for normal brain function?

A woman walks into a bakery on Monday, and asks the baker for some bagels. The baker says, I don't have any bagels, I will have more on Thursday. The woman says okay and leaves.

On Tuesday the woman goes back to the bakery and asks for some bagels. The baker says, I told you, I don't have any bagels. I won't have any bagels till Thursday. The woman says okay and leaves.

On Wednesday, the woman goes back to the bakery and asks for some bagels.
The baker says, Ma'am, how do you spell CAT in catastrophe?
She says C-A-T.
He asks, How do you spell DOG in dogmatic?
She says D-O-G.
He then asks, How do you spell FUCK in bagels?
She says, Sir, there is no fuck in bagels! , and he replies
THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU.

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Headline

A man wanted to kill his wife, so he got a hold of a notorious assassin named Arty. The man tells the assassin that his brunette wife shops at the market every Thursday afternoon wearing the same leopard print coat. Since Arty really just enjoyed assassinated people for the fun of it, he only charged the man what he could afford, five dollars.

The next Thursday, Arty stakes out the small market until he spots a brunette woman walk in wearing a leopard coat. He sneaks up behind her while she is in the back corner of the market, and wraps his hands around her neck until she is dead.

Nobody sees him, and he is about to walk out, when another brunette woman walks in wearing a similar leopard print top. To be safe, he walks up to her and strangles her as well. A stock boy see this and alerts the police, who apprehend Arty. He confesses the entire plan, the husband is arrested, and the next day the newspaper reads:

"Arty Chokes at the Market, 2 for $5"

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Dave was trying to figure out what he would get his wife for her birthday...

Tired of racking his brain, he flat out asked her what she wanted. She replied "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 3 seconds." So he bought her a bathroom scale.

Dave hasn't been heard from or seen since Thursday.

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Guy keeps calling off work on Mondays....

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."

So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"

The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm f-----g her."

The boss says, "You f--k your sister?"

The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."

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A man was killed by an assassin

An Irishman was killed by an assassin in his own home Thursday. Sources say the assailant was armed only with 2 porcelain figures. After beating the man to death, the assassin threw the body to several mongrel dogs that lived in a nearby wooded area.

Police claim it's the first known case of a Knick-Knack Paddy whack, give a dog a bone.

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Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

Ahh, those were the days...

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What are the most funny Thursday jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Thursday? Well, here are the best Thursday dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Thursday pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes