Thursday Jokes

Three elderly men are taking a walk outside their nursing home. The first one says, "Windy, isn't it?" The second one says, "No, it's Thursday!" The third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day....

One remarked, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday..."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

Valentine's Day for people who are single.

For people who are sad about being single: it's called Single Awareness Day
For people who are happy about being single: it's called Single Independence Day
For people who just don't care about being single: it's just called Thursday
For people like me: I call it Date With My Right Hand otherwise known as Everyday

I could retire today and live happily for the rest of my life....

so long as I die by noon, thursday.

Three old guys are out walking...

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

ahh, those were the days...

Three men with hearing aids are walking down the street

One of them says,
"Brr, it's windy today, ain't it?"
The second man responds,
"No, it's Thursday you idiot."
The last one says,
"Me too, let's go get a drink."

Three Old Men

Three old men are walking down the street when the first says, "it's windy today!"
The second replies, "no, it's thursday."
The third old man says, "I'm thirsty too. I could go for a beer."

What are the 7 Irish drinking holidays?

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

Three old men are walking down the street...

The first old man says "Hey, it's Windy"
The second old man says "No, Thursday"
The third one says "I agree, lets go get a beer"

My fitness instructor asked me how flexible I was...

So I told him I can't do Tuesdays or Thursdays.

The inventor of the dissapointing punchline has died

His f**... will be held on Thursday at 2pm.

One of my favorite somewhat inappropriate jokes.

Moish walks sees Shlomo sitting by himself in a bar, drink in hand.
He walks over, puts a hand on Shlomo's shoulder and says "I'm so sorry to hear about the fire in your factory."
Shlomo gives Moish an angry look and says quietly "Shhh you idiot! That's on Thursday!"

A few minutes ago while I was lifeguarding, an old lady told me that I looked like a lion pacing back and forth.

Now I'm nervous for my dentist appointment on Thursday.

So my house got broken into while I was away and the monitoring company called my cell...

"Hello, this is Xfinity home security. We see your alarm is going off and we can have someone respond to it next week Thursday between 8 Am and 5 pm, will that work for you?"

When you get old, your hearing starts to go...

Three old men are walking down the street one afternoon. The first one remarks "Windy, isn't it?"
The second one says "Nah! It's Thursday."
The third one nods and replies "So am I, let's stop for a drink."

Three hard-of-hearing friends are sitting together on a bench.

One says "Wow, it sure is windy."
Another corrects, "No, it's Thursday."
The last one says "So am I, let's go inside and drink some tea."

In honor of Throwback Thursday, here's a joke from 2008.

What will happen if Hillary Clinton becomes president?
She will file for divorce.
And what will happen if Barack Obama becomes president?
He'll have the White House repainted.

A recent study shows most Americans like to have s**... on days that begin with T

Tuesday, Thursday, today and tomorrow

Dave was trying to figure out what he would get his wife for her birthday...

Tired of racking his brain, he flat out asked her what she wanted. She replied "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 3 seconds." So he bought her a bathroom scale.
Dave hasn't been heard from or seen since Thursday.

3 Elderly Gentlemen Go for a Walk on the Beach...

The first remarks, "It's windy today!"
"No!", replies the second, "It's Thursday!"
"Me too!", shouts the third over the sound of howling wind, "Let's go for a drink!"

Why do scuba divers dive backwards?

Cause if they dived forward they would fell on the boat.
Real reason so that the eye and nose masks don't get filled with water on the impact straightforward and the oxygen tanks are heavy and it would exert less strain on the back. A prudent way.
Throwback Thursday Joke
Edited few grammar mistakes.

Polish joke

A nurse is checking up on the patients in a mental asylum. She asks the first patient, "What is 2+2?"
"3,942,304" He answers, disappointing the nurse.
"What is 2+2?" She asks the next patient.
"Thursday." He answers confidently
She sighs and moves on to the next person.
"What is 2+2?"
"4"
"Wow!" she exclaims. "How'd you find that out?"
"I divided 3,942,304 by Thursday."

I have s**... almost every day

Almost on Sunday
Almost on Monday
Almost on Tuesday
Almost on Wednesday
Almost on Thursday
Almost on Friday
And almost on Saturday

A man was killed by an assassin

An Irishman was killed by an assassin in his own home Thursday. Sources say the assailant was armed only with 2 porcelain figures. After beating the man to death, the assassin threw the body to several mongrel dogs that lived in a nearby wooded area.
Police claim it's the first known case of a Knick-Knack p**... whack, give a dog a bone.

My impression of 2 old nearly deaf guys at the park sitting on a bench together.

Old guy 1. Boy, it sure is windy.
Old guy 2. No it's not! It's Thursday!
Old guy 1. Yeah me too. Lets go get a beer.

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed as it left a New York publishing house last Thursday.

According to the Associated Press,
witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied,
confused, punchy, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered,
mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, flabbergasted,
astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, boggled, 
overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, and perplexed.

I think as marriages go, we're doing absolutely awesome, I mean I get to sleep with my wife nearly every day!

Nearly on Monday,
nearly on Tuesday,
nearly on Wednesday,
nearly on Thursday,
nearly on Friday,
nearly on Saturday and
nearly on Sunday

Two friends are traveling through a deafening storm

"SURE IS WINDY TODAY!"
"IT'S THURSDAY!"
"ME TOO! I THINK THERE'S A BAR JUST UP THE ROAD!"

Peace Mr Gunther.

After a long, tough, life Mr Gunther, born on 21.06.1946 on a beautyfull suny day.
He has found his rest and peace.
The f**... of his wife will be held on Thursday.

Wednesday and Thursday were named after the Norse Gods Odin and Thor...

And if you really enjoy facts about Norse Gods then today is your Loki-day!

I called up the gym and asked them if they can teach me how to do the splits.

They said, "How flexible are you?"
"Well, I can't do Tuesdays or Thursdays."

George wasn't feeling too good. He felt worn out.

"How's your s**... life?" asked the doctor.
"Every Saturday, Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday, never fail", said George.
"Why not cut out Sunday?", suggested the doctor.
"I can't do that. It's the only day I'm home."

My milk expires next thursday

That means my milk has a date on Valentines Day, and I still don't.

On Monday, h**... told 1 lie.

On Tuesday, he again told 1 lie.
On Wednesday, he told 2 lies.
On Thursday, 3.
On Friday, 5.
On Saturday, 8.
And on Sunday, h**... told 13 lies.
That is the fibber-n**... sequence.

Three old friends are sitting on a bench.

First one says "It's windy." Second one says, "No, It's Thursday." Third one says "Me too, let's go get a beer."

Three seniors are out for a stroll.

One of them remarks, It's windy.

Another replies, No way. It's Thursday.

The last one says, Me too. Let's have a soda.

Three old friends, all with very bad hearing, meet on the corner.

Isn't it windy? the first man asks.
​
No, says the second, it's Thursday.
​
Agreed, says the third man, let's go grab a beer.

Blonde walks into an elevator

She sees her co worker Steve & says "TGIF". Steve has a puzzled look on his face and replies "NSIT". Ever more puzzled the blonde replies "TGIF, thank God it's Friday". Steve then says "NSIT, no s**... it's Thursday"

Until this crisis is over im going to stick to m**... just before 8pm on Thursday evenings

The neighbourhood applauding me as I finish is just the confident booster I need

Three old friends are walking on a beach, when one turns slightly to the group and says:

„It's windy today!
„No, it's Thursday! replies the one walking in the middle, looking a bit confused.
„So am I! Let's have a beer. adds the third one

A man walks into a bar with a pineapple on his head.

The bartender looks at him quizzically and says Mate. Why the h**... do you have a pineapple on your head?! The man answers Oh, it's ok. I always wear a pineapple on my head on Tuesdays. The bartender says But it's Thursday... Upon hearing this the man's face changes to a look of abject horror and he says Oh God! I'm so embarrassed!!

I bought a used Lamborghini cheap with hopes of making a quick buck. My friend offered to flip it for me.

He was as good as his word. The f**... is Thursday.

My cousin decided to try parkour, so he jumped off a single floor hotel. Anyway, to make a long story short

would've helped. f**...'s Thursday.

If you think Thursday are depressing, wait two days

Then it would be a sadder day (Saturday)

Best way to vaccinate the masses

Train all of the Amazon drivers to give it.
Everyone will have it by Saturday.
Thursday if you have Prime.

After 30 years of marriage, I'm tells my envious friends that I still get s**... almost every day..

Friends: no way!
Me: yup! Almost on a Monday.. almost on a Tuesday.. almost on a Wednesday.. almost on a Thursday, almost on a Friday, almost on a Saturday and almost on a Sunday!

Three really old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'  
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'  
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.

An alien drops by the White House and exclaims: "take me to your leader". The alien is introduced to Donald Trump, who ushers it into the oval office to chat. 30 seconds later, the alien exits the room and walks back towards his ship.....

"Where are you going?! Our worlds have so much to discuss and learn from one another!" calls a Senator.
"You are right!" responds the alien.
"See you on Thursday!"

Harry went to his doctor on Thursday to review his test results. The Doctor told him that he has both good news and bad news.

"Good news is you have 48 hours to live," he said to Harry.
"Bad news is I should have told you on Tuesday.

Three old men, hard of hearing

Three old men, hard of hearing, are waiting at a bus stop on a hill, it's winter time.
The first man goes as he's shivering brrrr, it's windy !
The second one responds it's not Wednesday, it's Thursday ,
And the third man says I'm thirsty too, let's go grab a beer !

I get laid almost every day of the week.

Almost got laid on Monday, almost got laid on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday, almost on Thursday, almost on Friday, almost on Saturday, and almost on Sunday.

Did you guys know too much s**... can cause memory loss?

I learnt that in a medical journal, page 34. At 3:38pm on Thursday the 7th.

A woman gets on an Elevator with a Man

The Woman says "TGIF"
So the man says "s**..."
The woman again says "TGIF"
And again the man says "s**..."
So finally the woman explains TGIF means Thank God Its Friday
And the man says s**... means Sorry Honey Its Thursday

I went to the pub on Friday with my friends and didn't come home until Sunday night. When i got home, my wife was so angry...

She said "how would you like it if you didn't see me for three days straight?"
i said "that would be b**... lovely".
So I didn't see her on the Monday, the Tuesday or the Wednesday, but by Thursday the swelling around my eyes went down enough to make her out again.

Patient: Doc: I think I'm psychic.

Psychiatrist: When did this happen?
Patient: Next Thursday.

Superstition

I was trimming my nails when my Grandfather said with a sigh "You should not cut your nails on Thursdays".
I had never adhered to these superstition but out of curiosity I asked, "What happens when I cut my nails on Thursday?"
He explained, "You see the weekend starts tomorrow Friday, Saturday and Sunday. It's difficult to open the beer cans and the Lays packs without the nails."
Moral: Some superstitions do have a scientific basis!