thursday Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious thursday stories

What are the best Thursday puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Thursday? Well here is a complete list of Thursday to have fun with:

I'll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day!

Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday

Almost on Thursday

Almost on Friday

Almost on Saturday

Almost on Sunday.!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg

The Gregorian calendar

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I'd been in a serious accident.

Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.


It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.


She looked deep & steady and I heard her slowly say,

'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'


I managed to mumble in reply,

'Can I feel your tits, then?'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The homeless pianoman

On a thursday afternoon, a homeless man walks down a street and sees a "pianist wanted" sign in the window of a bar. The man goes into the bar, sits at the piano and begins to play. The owner of the bar hears the man play and is completely blown away.

"That song is amazing, what do you call it?" the owner asks.

"Tits and ass," the homeless man says and starts to play another song. The owner, again amazed, asks the name of the new song.

"Fucking her slowly," the man answers.

"Alright," the owner says. "How about you come back tomorrow night and play here and I'll pay you, but whatever you do, do not say the names of your songs."

The next night, the homeless man is at the bar playing his first song and all the patrons love it. At the end of the song, the man stands up to take a bow and his dick is hanging out of his pants.

"Hey," says a parton. "Do you know your dick is hanging out?"

"Know it?" The homeless man exclaims. "I wrote it!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Three old guys are sitting on a bench in the park

One says, "Windy today."

Another says, "You idiot, it's Thursday."

The third guy says, "Me too, let's go get a beer."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The inventor of the dissapointing punchline has died

His funeral will be held on Thursday at 2pm.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A windy day

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench.

The first says to her friends "gosh, it's windy today".

The second says "no, it's Thursday".

The third says "so am I. Let's get a drink".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Man walks into a bar and orders 4 beers.

Drinks them, and leaves.

Next week same time does the same thing: orders 4 beers, drinks them, and leaves.

The third week; same thing. The bartender is curious so he asks. "well, I moved here few weeks ago. Back home my 3 brothers and I met every Thursday after work for a beer. Since I was feeling homesick I figured I would keep up the tradition even if I had to do it alone."

This goes on for several weeks until one week the man comes in and orders three beers and a coke. Bartender says, "I hate to pry but what happened? Did one of your brothers pass away?"

The man chuckles and says, "No nothing like that. I decided to quit drinking."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Three men with hearing aids are walking down the street

One of them says,
"Brr, it's windy today, ain't it?"
The second man responds,
"No, it's Thursday you idiot."
The last one says,
"Me too, let's go get a drink."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A lady gets on an elevator...

She says to the man standing there, "T-G-I-F!" to which the man replies, "S-H-I-T."
Taken aback the lady repeats, "T-G-I-F! Thank Goodness It's Friday!"
The man gives a smug grin and says, "Sorry Honey. It's Thursday."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I can't come in today. I'm sick.

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."

So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"

The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm fucking her."

The boss says, "You fuck your sister? That's SICK!!!!"

The guy says, "Been tellin' ya'"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

Ahh, those were the days...

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Three old men are walking down the street...

The first old man says "Hey, it's Windy"
The second old man says "No, Thursday"
The third one says "I agree, lets go get a beer"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

TGIF...oh wait...SHIT!

A gentleman was on the elevator when a lady walks on. She says to the gentleman, TGIF. The gentleman replies, SHIT. The lady again says, TGIF. The gentleman again says, SHIT. The lady now frustrated says, TGIF. Thank god it's Friday. The gentleman says, SHIT. Sorry honey it's Thursday.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Father and his Son are walking down the condom aisle in the pharmacy...

The son notices that condoms are sold in different numbers per pack, so he asks his Dad why. The Dad replies, "Well, son, the 3 pack is for when you're in High School. One for Friday night, and two for Saturdays. The 6 pack is for when you're in College. Two for Thursday, two for Friday, and two for Saturday." The son asks, "What about the 12 pack? I bet that's really good." The Dad says, "Oh, the 12 pack is for when you're married. One for January, one for February..."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I could retire today and live happily for the rest of my life....

so long as I die by noon, thursday.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day....

One remarked, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday..."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Three Old Men

Three old men are walking down the street when the first says, "it's windy today!"

The second replies, "no, it's thursday."

The third old man says, "I'm thirsty too. I could go for a beer."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Valentine's Day for people who are single.

For people who are sad about being single: it's called Single Awareness Day

For people who are happy about being single: it's called Single Independence Day

For people who just don't care about being single: it's just called Thursday

For people like me: I call it Date With My Right Hand otherwise known as Everyday

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A little boy and his dad were in line at the drug store

And the boy picks up a pack of condoms. He asks "what are these daddy?" And his dad says "those are for high school kids." The boy asks "why are there three?" The father says "one for Thursday night, one for Friday night, and one for Saturday night."

The boy picks up another pack and asks "why are there six in this one?" So the father says "those are for college kids. Two for Thursday, two for Friday, and two for Saturday."

The boy picks up a third pack and asks "why are there twelve in this one?" The father says "oh those are for married men. One for every month of the year."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What are the 7 Irish drinking holidays?

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Whats a Pirate's worst nightmare?

A small chest... with no boooooty.

Happy Thursday.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.

One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What do the French call a bad Thursday?

A tra-jeudi.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What do French people call a really bad Thursday?

A trajeudi.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

One of my favorite somewhat inappropriate jokes.

Moish walks sees Shlomo sitting by himself in a bar, drink in hand.
He walks over, puts a hand on Shlomo's shoulder and says "I'm so sorry to hear about the fire in your factory."
Shlomo gives Moish an angry look and says quietly "Shhh you idiot! That's on Thursday!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Martin Levine has passed away at the age of seventy-five. Mr. Levine had owned a theater chain here in New York. The funeral will be held on Thursday

at 2:15, 4:30, 6:30, 8:40, and 10:50.

David Letterman

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I haven't had sex in 20 years.

I turn 22 next Thursday.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's a chiropractor's busiest day?

Throwback Thursday.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two old dears at the beach

"Windy today isn't it? " "No it's Thursday" "Oh so am I , let's have a cup of tea!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Every Thursday, I do live nude modeling in one of the courses at my university

It's an accounting class and they're none too happy about it.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man had been in prison for twenty years.

When he left they gave him his old clothes. In the pocket he found a ticket from a shoe repair shop. Perhaps the shop is still there. Perhaps they still have my old shoes, he thought to himself. So off he went and sure enough it was there. I've been on holiday for a long time, I wonder if you have my shoes? asked the man. The old man went into the back of the shop and came back after two minutes. They'll be ready on Thursday.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What do you call it when a transcendentalist author looks at old photos?

Thoreau Back Thursday

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Sovietskoye

Semyonov, a local party secretary, stopped Kagonovich on the street.

"Comrade," he asked, "why don't you come for ideological instruction every Tuesday and Thursday evening?"

"I don't need it," said Kagonovich.

"Who was Karl Marx?" asked Semyonov.

"I don't know."

"Who was Vladimir Lenin?"

"I don't know."

Semyonov went on and on.

Finally Kagonovich interrupted, "You ask me who is this and who is that. Let me ask you! Who is Rudolf Ulyanov?"

"I don't know," replied the secretary.

"Ah!" said Kagonovich. "But I know that one. While you are at ideological instruction every Tuesday and Thursday night, Rudolf Ulyanov is screwing your wife!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

On what day of every week do soft drinks sell the most?

thursday

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Not getting enough carbs for normal brain function?

A woman walks into a bakery on Monday, and asks the baker for some bagels. The baker says, I don't have any bagels, I will have more on Thursday. The woman says okay and leaves.

On Tuesday the woman goes back to the bakery and asks for some bagels. The baker says, I told you, I don't have any bagels. I won't have any bagels till Thursday. The woman says okay and leaves.

On Wednesday, the woman goes back to the bakery and asks for some bagels.
The baker says, Ma'am, how do you spell CAT in catastrophe?
She says C-A-T.
He asks, How do you spell DOG in dogmatic?
She says D-O-G.
He then asks, How do you spell FUCK in bagels?
She says, Sir, there is no fuck in bagels! , and he replies
THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Headline

A man wanted to kill his wife, so he got a hold of a notorious assassin named Arty. The man tells the assassin that his brunette wife shops at the market every Thursday afternoon wearing the same leopard print coat. Since Arty really just enjoyed assassinated people for the fun of it, he only charged the man what he could afford, five dollars.

The next Thursday, Arty stakes out the small market until he spots a brunette woman walk in wearing a leopard coat. He sneaks up behind her while she is in the back corner of the market, and wraps his hands around her neck until she is dead.

Nobody sees him, and he is about to walk out, when another brunette woman walks in wearing a similar leopard print top. To be safe, he walks up to her and strangles her as well. A stock boy see this and alerts the police, who apprehend Arty. He confesses the entire plan, the husband is arrested, and the next day the newspaper reads:

"Arty Chokes at the Market, 2 for $5"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guy starts a new job...

A guy works at a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in
and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
He worked the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in
and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman
about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two
men. We need him."
So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have
a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd
hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with?
Drugs? Alcohol?"
The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law
drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday
morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on
my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing
you know, I'm screwing her."
The boss says, "You screw your sister?"
The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A blond and a gentleman are in an elevator..

They are alone in the elevator riding up to their office on the top floor when the blond looks at the gentleman, smiles and says "TGIF."

The gentleman grins back at her and says "S.H.I.T"

Puzzled, the blond looks at the gentleman and says more sternly "T.G.I.F"

The gentleman again smiles and repeats himself "S.H.I.T".

Frustrated the blond tries again, louder "T.G.I.F"

Again the man smiles and says "S.H.I.T."

Angry the blond yells "T.G.I.F! It means 'Thank God it's Friday!'"

The man smiles "Sorry Honey, It's Thursday" and departs.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two 95 year old men, Jack and Sam, are huge baseball fans.

One day, Jack falls seriously ill, and doesn't have long to live. Sam visits him in the hospital to say goodbye. Sam asks him a favor before he passes.

Hey Jack, when you get to heaven, can you see if there is baseball there? If there is, tell me.

I can certainly try, for my best friend.

Later that Wednesday night, Jack passed away. Thursday night, Sam is asleep in bed, when all of the sudden Jacks spirit appears in front of him.

AHHHH! Who are you?

Calm down, calm down. It's me Jack.

Good hell, you scared me half to death.

It's ok, but I've come with good news and bad news.

Well, what's the good news then? pondered Sam.

There is baseball in heaven.

Thank goodness, said Sam, feeling wonderful, but what's the bad news?

You're pitching Tuesday.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Hey guys! Guess what day it is!

Thursday. Not hump day. I know some of you had to think twice about it before you clicked. Gotcha. Again, to avoid any sort of confusion, the day is Thursday. I repeat. Thursday.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Monday, Tuesday Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday

Those were the days...

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Not Going to Like Thursday

It's a convicts first day in prison. He's a young convict and he's crying. An older convict comes over and sits down. He says look it's not so bad here. For instance, do you like movies? The new guy says, "Yeah I love movies." Every Monday we have movie night, first run movie. Do you like Italian food? The new guy says, "Yeah I like Italian food." On Tuesday in the cafeteria, it is all Italian food. Do you like baseball? The new guy says, "I love baseball." Every Wednesday we have a pick up game and everyone plays even the guards, it is really fun. The old guy says, "One more question, are you by any chance a homosexual?" The new guy says, "no I'm not." Ah, you're not going to like Thursday.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Three old ladies are sitting at a bus stop

1st lady: windy isn't it?
2nd lady: no it's Thursday
3rd lady: me too, let's go and get a drink

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Russia to scale down security measures at the Sochi Winter Olympics

A senior official of OMON--the Russian anti-terror task force--told reporters Thursday that they would be toning down security for the Olympics due to budget constraints.

One reporter asked, "but what if terrorists detonate a bomb in Sochi?"

In response, the senior OMON official stated, "it is doubtful that anybody would notice."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Every Thursday, I do live nude modeling in one of my university's art classes

It's a bookbinding course. They hate it.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Did you hear about the french TV show

Did you hear about the french TV chat show that only airs on a thursday?
Richard and Jeudi

πŸ‘πŸΌ

This girl I'm currently seeing is very flexible, just what I like.

She comes round every Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Question for the Class

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little johny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.

So Thursday night, little johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," little johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"

Immediately, little johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So the hippy was speeding down the road...

and he ran into a tree at 90 mph, killing him instantly.
The next thing he knows, he's outside the Pearly Gates.
He begins knocking loudly, yelling "Hey God! Don'cha remember last Thursday, when I was tripping on acid? You said I'd be in heaven with you forever!"
God replies "Yeah, but I was drunk!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best thursday jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty thursday gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these thursday jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

Can I save Thursday jokes? You can do this from the Joko Jokes iPhone app. It is available for free download from the Apple App Store. Like your favorite jokes so we can rank them by their likes count. Every thumb matters for Joko Jokes' rankings.

How to share a Thursday joke? You are free to share every Thursday joke found on JokoJokes.com, share it on Facebook, Twitter or by email and have fun with friends and family.

JokoJokes