Following is our collection of tue humor and friday one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Thursday puns for adults, dirty weekday jokes or clean morning gags for kids.
There is an abundance of mon jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 57 funniest jokes on thursday. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any monday witze you can hear about thursday.
The Gregorian calendar
So this is how the Gregorian calendar was created.
... as long as I die on Thursday.
Gregorian Calendar.
Tuesday, Thursday and Today.
Almost on Sunday
Almost on Monday
Almost on Tuesday
Almost on Wednesday
Almost on Thursday
Almost on Friday
And almost on Saturday
The first says "Windy isn't it?"
The second replies "No it's not, it's Thursday"
The third then says "Yeah, so am I. Let's go get a drink"
Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday, Thunday.
But thank God I have a few twix up my sleeve
One says "Wow, it sure is windy."
Another corrects, "No, it's Thursday."
The last one says "So am I, let's go inside and drink some tea."
It will be a sadder day.
Three old men are walking down the street one afternoon. The first one remarks "Windy, isn't it?"
The second one says "Nah! It's Thursday."
The third one nods and replies "So am I, let's stop for a drink."
One says, "Windy today."
Another says, "You idiot, it's Thursday."
The third guy says, "Me too, let's go get a beer."
"How would you feel if you don't see me for next few days?" His wife said
He couldn't believe his luck. He replied at once. "Wowww.....That would be great!''
Monday passed & he didn't see her....
Tuesday he didn't see her...
and Wednesday passed too...
On Thursday the swelling was better as he caught a glimpse of her from the corner of his left eye.
A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
but there are no women on the ship and being male,he had some...urges, so he asked the captain " arr its been 6 months since we've had a lass on the ship and some of the others are getting urges. what can we do about them??" and the captain responds" go down to the front of the ship and there will be a barrel, stick your privates in there and go at it." so he did as he was told and when he was done he came back. he told the captain " captain! that was great! how many times can i use it????" and the captain turned to him and said " every day except thursday." and the pirate asked " why?" the captain responded " aye, because thats your turn to be in the barrel."
His funeral will be held on Thursday at 2pm.
On Tuesday, he again told 1 lie.
On Wednesday, he told 2 lies.
On Thursday, 3.
On Friday, 5.
On Saturday, 8.
And on Sunday, Hitler told 13 lies.
That is the fibber-Nazi sequence.
Drinks them, and leaves.
Next week same time does the same thing: orders 4 beers, drinks them, and leaves.
The third week; same thing. The bartender is curious so he asks. "well, I moved here few weeks ago. Back home my 3 brothers and I met every Thursday after work for a beer. Since I was feeling homesick I figured I would keep up the tradition even if I had to do it alone."
This goes on for several weeks until one week the man comes in and orders three beers and a coke. Bartender says, "I hate to pry but what happened? Did one of your brothers pass away?"
The man chuckles and says, "No nothing like that. I decided to quit drinking."
Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench.
The first says to her friends "gosh, it's windy today".
The second says "no, it's Thursday".
The third says "so am I. Let's get a drink".
One of them says,
"Brr, it's windy today, ain't it?"
The second man responds,
"No, it's Thursday you idiot."
The last one says,
"Me too, let's go get a drink."
According to the Associated Press,
witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied,
confused, punchy, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered,
mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, flabbergasted,
astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, boggled,
overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, and perplexed.
It's a convicts first day in prison. He's a young convict and he's crying. An older convict comes over and sits down. He says look it's not so bad here. For instance, do you like movies? The new guy says, "Yeah I love movies." Every Monday we have movie night, first run movie. Do you like Italian food? The new guy says, "Yeah I like Italian food." On Tuesday in the cafeteria, it is all Italian food. Do you like baseball? The new guy says, "I love baseball." Every Wednesday we have a pick up game and everyone plays even the guards, it is really fun. The old guy says, "One more question, are you by any chance a homosexual?" The new guy says, "no I'm not." Ah, you're not going to like Thursday.
I replied "because it's only Thursday"
Now I'm nervous for my dentist appointment on Thursday.
Two guys are arguing about whether there is baseball in heaven. One says there is and the other says there isn't. They go back and forth and in the end agree to disagree. They make a bet that if one of them dies that they come back and tell the other if there really is baseball in heaven.
A few months later one of the two dies and, true to his word, comes back and tells the other he has good news and bad news. Good news is that there is baseball in heaven! Bad news is you're scheduled to pitch next Thursday.
That means my milk has a date on Valentines Day, and I still don't.
A man wanted to kill his wife, so he got a hold of a notorious assassin named Arty. The man tells the assassin that his brunette wife shops at the market every Thursday afternoon wearing the same leopard print coat. Since Arty really just enjoyed assassinated people for the fun of it, he only charged the man what he could afford, five dollars.
The next Thursday, Arty stakes out the small market until he spots a brunette woman walk in wearing a leopard coat. He sneaks up behind her while she is in the back corner of the market, and wraps his hands around her neck until she is dead.
Nobody sees him, and he is about to walk out, when another brunette woman walks in wearing a similar leopard print top. To be safe, he walks up to her and strangles her as well. A stock boy see this and alerts the police, who apprehend Arty. He confesses the entire plan, the husband is arrested, and the next day the newspaper reads:
"Arty Chokes at the Market, 2 for $5"
He was as good as his word. The funeral is Thursday.
A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."
So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"
The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm f-----g her."
The boss says, "You f--k your sister?"
The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."
He shoots em both dead and ends up in jail. While in jail his best friend comes to visit him and console him. His friend tells him:
"Damn Fred its a wonderful thing you caught this mf in bed with you're wife"
Fred responds "How can you say that man 2 people are dead and im in jail"
His friend tells him "I'm just glad you came home early on a Thursday cause if you woulda came Wednesday I'd been the dead mf"
Tired of racking his brain, he flat out asked her what she wanted. She replied "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 3 seconds." So he bought her a bathroom scale.
Dave hasn't been heard from or seen since Thursday.
An Irishman was killed by an assassin in his own home Thursday. Sources say the assailant was armed only with 2 porcelain figures. After beating the man to death, the assassin threw the body to several mongrel dogs that lived in a nearby wooded area.
Police claim it's the first known case of a Knick-Knack Paddy whack, give a dog a bone.
Ahh, those were the days...
„It's windy today!
„No, it's Thursday! replies the one walking in the middle, looking a bit confused.
„So am I! Let's have a beer. adds the third one
And if you really enjoy facts about Norse Gods then today is your Loki-day!
It's Alzheimers day on thursday...
I used to live between two girls. Kate, a smart and funny brunette and Edith, a sexy and mischeivous blonde. I hit it off well with both girls and so, thought I could date them both. I would spend Monday, Wednesday and Friday with Kate, and Tuesday, Thursday and Sautrday with Edith. I would alternate Sundays between Kate and Edith.
One Sunday, Kate invited me out bowling. We had a fantastic time, but as I walked Kate home, Edith was standing outside my house, expecting to spend Sunday with me. The two girls immediately understood what was going on and slapped me before walking home.
It was then I learned what they say is true,you can't have your Kate, and Edith too
The neighbourhood applauding me as I finish is just the confident booster I need
It'll be sadder day then
The first old man says "Hey, it's Windy"
The second old man says "No, Thursday"
The third one says "I agree, lets go get a beer"
The bartender replies, "S H I T. what would you like?
The woman says "uh, okay. I'll have a lager. Whew, T G I F"
The bartender says, "S H I T, here you go," and hands her the beer.
The woman starts to get irritated and says "why do you keep saying S H I T? I'm a lady and I think that's rude. "
The bartender says "well you keep saying T G I F."
"Well, thank god it's Friday." She says
"Sorry, honey, it's Thursday."
"Hello, this is Xfinity home security. We see your alarm is going off and we can have someone respond to it next week Thursday between 8 Am and 5 pm, will that work for you?"
The son notices that condoms are sold in different numbers per pack, so he asks his Dad why. The Dad replies, "Well, son, the 3 pack is for when you're in High School. One for Friday night, and two for Saturdays. The 6 pack is for when you're in College. Two for Thursday, two for Friday, and two for Saturday." The son asks, "What about the 12 pack? I bet that's really good." The Dad says, "Oh, the 12 pack is for when you're married. One for January, one for February..."
so long as I die by noon, thursday.
A one that died on Thursday...
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
First one says "It's windy." Second one says, "No, It's Thursday." Third one says "Me too, let's go get a beer."
She sees her co worker Steve & says "TGIF". Steve has a puzzled look on his face and replies "NSIT". Ever more puzzled the blonde replies "TGIF, thank God it's Friday". Steve then says "NSIT, no stupid it's Thursday"
would've helped. Funeral's Thursday.
Old guy 1. Boy, it sure is windy.
Old guy 2. No it's not! It's Thursday!
Old guy 1. Yeah me too. Lets go get a beer.
Isn't it windy? the first man asks.
No, says the second, it's Thursday.
Agreed, says the third man, let's go grab a beer.
Nearly on Monday,
nearly on Tuesday,
nearly on Wednesday,
nearly on Thursday,
nearly on Friday,
nearly on Saturday and
nearly on Sunday
After a long, tough, life Mr Gunther, born on 21.06.1946 on a beautyfull suny day.
He has found his rest and peace.
The funeral of his wife will be held on Thursday.
If I die next Thursday
The bartender looks at him quizzically and says Mate. Why the hell do you have a pineapple on your head?! The man answers Oh, it's ok. I always wear a pineapple on my head on Tuesdays. The bartender says But it's Thursday... Upon hearing this the man's face changes to a look of abject horror and he says Oh God! I'm so embarrassed!!
One remarked, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday..."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.