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Thumb Jokes

125 thumb jokes and hilarious thumb puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about thumb that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

A thumb joke is a joke that is specifically designed to be told using only the thumb and index finger.

Funniest Thumb Short Jokes

Short thumb jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The thumb humour may include short finger jokes also.

  1. The other night I superglued my thumb and forefinger together... Dont worry, everything is ok
  2. Who's got two thumbs and dissociative identity disorder? *points thumbs at chest*
    That guy.
  3. I just accidentally super-glued my thumb & index finger together, and at first started to panic… But then I remembered that it's always going to be okay.
  4. After I got divorced, my former wife told me about a movie she gave 2 thumbs up that I should definitely take the kids to see. I told her, "That wouldn't be appropriate. That movie is ex-rated"
  5. Who has 2 thumbs and wants a lot of awards for no effort? That would be me.
    Love you all, have a terrific day!
  6. Netflix is replacing its star ratings with thumbs up and thumbs down. Whether you like it, or not.
  7. New Reality Show: America's Next Top Proctologist. You only advance to the next round if you get two thumbs up.
  8. Why are women bad at parking? Because men have told them that this (*holds thumb and index finger 2 inches apart*) is 8 inches.
  9. I went to see my Doctor yesterday for a prostate examination... There was nothing to worry about, he gave me the thumbs up.
  10. What do a lonely astronaut and your thumbs have in common? They both hang out at the Space Bar.

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Thumb One Liners

Which thumb one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with thumb? I can suggest the ones about foot and touch.

  1. Who has two thumbs and is headed to the hospital? Not me. Christ that tablesaw was sharp.
  2. What has two thumbs and never takes the blame? That guy
  3. What has 4 fingers, a thumb, and is not your hand? My hand
  4. I went to see my doctor to get my prostate checked. He gave me the thumbs up.
  5. Why are hands so important? You always need them for thumb finger another.
  6. Who has two thumbs and wears a mask? Disguise!
  7. I wanted to play video games today but my thumbs were all opposed.
  8. What blood type was the fat-thumbed stenographer? Typo
  9. What do you call a judge without any thumbs ? Justice fingers.
  10. I had a great session with my proctologist this morning. Two thumbs up.
  11. What has two thumbs and 100k karma on their cake day? Not me.
  12. Went to the proctologist today and he was impressed! He gave me the thumbs up
  13. I went to the doctor's the other day for a prostate exam... He gave me the thumbs up!
  14. Prostate exams They've got a thumbs up from the doctor
  15. I did really well in my prostate exam. The doctor gave me two thumbs up.

Under The Thumb Jokes

Here is a list of funny under the thumb jokes and even better under the thumb puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I'm worried about my deaf friend who glued his forefinger to his thumb. But he says he's A-OK.
  • Well dressed! I made a shirt out of thumb tacks because I wanted to look sharp, but everyone thought it looked tacky.
  • A man goes to the proctologist The doctor gave him a thumbs up.
  • What has two thumbs and got laid last night? My hands.
  • Who has two thumbs and isn't afraid of the Chinese Government? This guy.
  • What has two thumbs and doesn't understand jokes that require a visual component? This guy!
  • Why is it ironic that Jesus was a Carpenter? Because his name are the two words that you say right after you hit your thumb with a hammer.
  • Who has two thumbs and is pro-evolution? Not horses
  • I just accidentally superglued my thumb and index finger together and at first, I started to panic. But then I remembered... That it's always going to be okay...
  • What do you calla judge with no thumbs? Justice fingers

Finger Thumb Jokes

Here is a list of funny finger thumb jokes and even better finger thumb puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A programmer walked into a bar. He raised his middle finger and his thumb to the bartender and said "5 beers please".
  • When the waiter brought my order he had his thumb in my steak So I yelled at him, "I don't want your finger touching my food!" So he asks me, "Would you rather it fall on the floor again?"
  • Why did the middle finger get mad at the thumb? We don't know. It just snapped.
  • What did finger say to the thumb? I'm in glove with you.
  • Three of five fingers were willing to cooperate but the thumb and forefinger were opposed!
  • Some people press the button in the elevator with their thumb and others press it with their index finger. Why? To get to the right floor.
  • Somebody once told me... Hands off my Macaroni, Milwaukee pasta bandit found dead. He was picking up the gun, with his finger and his thumb, raising up, pointed straight at his forehead.
  • I once met a Lawyer in court, but I didn't get to see much of his fingers. Justice thumbs.
  • I accidentally glued my index finger to my thumb It's OK
  • What do you call an amputated finger? Disposable thumb
Thumb joke, What do you call an amputated finger?

Green Thumb Jokes

Here is a list of funny green thumb jokes and even better green thumb puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Green thumb Did you hear about the vegisexual?
    She picked up gardening AIDS.
  • What color was her thumb? Green! She is avid gardener thank you

Thumb Index Jokes

Here is a list of funny thumb index jokes and even better thumb index puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I found five orphaned kittens and decided to foster them. I named them Thumb, Index, Middle, Ring, and Pinky. They sure are a handful to raise.
Thumb joke, I found five orphaned kittens and decided to foster them. I named them Thumb, Index, Middle, Ring, a

Cheerful Thumb Jokes for Unforgettable Laughter with Friends!

What funny jokes about thumb you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean hands jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make thumb pranks.

Little Erika hates hypocrisy..

Little Erika gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As she passes her parents' bedroom she peeks in through the keyhole. She watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway muttering to herself, "And she gets mad at me for s**... my thumb . "

Who has two thumbs and looks an awful lot like Alec Baldwin?

Alec Baldwin

A man goes to his proctologist for an exam...

The doctor tells him to drop his drawers and let him know when he feels his thumb. After a few seconds, the doctor asks the man if he can feel it and the man replies no. A few seconds later, the doctor asks again. This time the man says yes he can feel the doctors thumb. At this point, the doctor leans over and waving both thumbs at the guys face says Surprise!

A man asks the waiter: "Why do you have your thumb on my steak?"

"So I don't drop it again, Sir."

A girl walks past her parents room, the door slightly open.

And to think they want me to see a therapist for s**... my thumb!

Where does a thumb meet its type?

At ***the space bar!*** oh-my-goodness! ~Skip

A brunette, A redhead, and A blonde....

Enter an elevator and spot something on the floor.
The brunette immediately says "Eww, that's s**...".
The redhead, touches it with her index finger and rubs it with her thumb together and says "Yup, definitely s**...".
The blonde, touches it, rubs it between her fingers and tastes it and says: "Yup, definitely s**..., and it's not from anyone in this building."

I cut my thumb chopping onions...

...in such a way as to make applying appropriate pressure difficult. I made my way to the ER. They weren't busy, so the doctor came over to dress my wound. I expressed frustration over my lack in first aid and the persistent crimson flow. In a matter-of-fact tone, he reassured me, "Don't worry; all of my patients stop bleeding eventually."

d**..., just cut my thumb off with the tablesaw after I bent over to pick up what I thought was a thumb (ironically enough) off the ground

You win thumb, you lose thumb.

Pregnant Woman

There was this little kid who had a bad habit of s**... his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn't stop s**... his thumb, he'd get fat.
Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, "Ah, ha! I know what you've been doing!"

What has two thumbs and severe adhd?

i don't know but you are gonna love this yoyo trick

Little Jack Warner

Little Jack Warner
Sat in the corner
A finger in every pie.
He stuck in his thumb
And pulled out a b**...
And said "Lets all go to Dubai!"

TIFU by picking up a dead bee.

It wasn't. Now my thumb hurts.

What did h**... say when he smashed his thumb with a hammer?

"Au, schwitz!"

Little Mortie got a real surprise when he barged into his parents' room one night.

And you slap me for s**... my thumb? he screamed.

A little girl went into her parents bedroom to find her parents in bed.

Well! she exclaimed. And you tell me off just for s**...
my thumb.

A guy at work lost his thumb and had to replace it with his big toe. (True Story)

Now we ask to get "your foot off the table" when he's eating.

A good rule of thumb is

It's opposable.

My thumb keeps attacking my pinky...

I've got a civil war on my hands!

"Who's got two thumbs and finds this joke funny?"

"Not this guy!"
-Thumb amputee victim

I went to a Halloween party where everyone was dressed like a sore thumb

Not me, no, I stuck out like a vicar.

Who has two thumbs and a concealed identity?

Disguise!

So I asked my waiter,why he has his thumb on my steak?

He replied "so the steak shouldn't fall on the floor again"

Who's got two thumbs and nothing else?

THIS pair of disembodied thumbs!

[Long] I was at dinner with my wife...

I ordered a steak and the waiter delivered it with his thumb on top of it. "Sir, this is unacceptable, your thumb was in my food," I complained. The waiter replied, "I'm sorry sir, I didn't want it to fall on the floor again."

At the Hotel Bar...

A man was sitting at a hotel bar, when a group of men sat down next to him and ordered a round of drinks.
"You guys with a convention?"
"Yes, we're with the Gynecology conference"
"Really? I was this close" he holds up his finger and thumb about an inch apart "to becoming a Gynecologist."
"So what did you end up doing?"
"I'm a proctologist."

A little girl walks into her parents' bedroom.

"Holy F**k" she screams "and you want ME to see a doctor about s**... my thumb?!"

Caught red handed

Little Johnny asks, "Dad, why do they say people who are good at gardening have a green thumb?".
Dad thought for a moment, "Johnny, it's just a saying. It's like when someone is caught stealing, it's said they're caught red handed, even though their hands are black".

What's got three thumbs and is bad at maths?

THIS guy!

When all you have is a hammer,

everything starts looking like a thumb.

Who has 2 thumbs and doesn't care about my GPA?

My dead dad

What has 1 thumb and is very important?

A ransom note.

What's got two thumbs and can't figure out the difference between a string and an array?

[
0 => "T"
1 => "h"
2 => "i"
3 => "s"
4 => " "
5 => "g"
6 => "u"
7 => "y"
8 => "!"
]

Who has two thumbs and just took a nap in my bathtub?

I don't know either, but he is gone now.

My Grandad's joke: Hey, young fella! Want to see something swell?

Hit your thumb with a hammer!

"I know what you have been s**... on"

My nephew has a habit of s**... his thumb, so i had a brilliant idea to make him stop. I told him people that s**... their thumbs become fat.
At the store yesterday however, we ran across a pregnant lady and he had the great idea to shout "I know what you have been s**... on" in the middle of the store.

Little Johnny tells his friend, "My grandpa died yesterday."

Friend asks, "Oh, how did that happen?"
Johnny, "He hit his thumb with a hammer."
Friend, "But you can't die of that!"
Johnny, "I know but he wouldn't stop screaming and cursing so we shot him."

My snarky boss nicked his thumb with a knife and missed two days of work.

I need your help with puns or cutting remarks.

Even after 5 years my wife likes to mix it up in the bedroom....

Last night she was had eaten too much, the night before that she was wayyyyyy too tired; last week she fell and broke her thumb. I never know what she will surprise me with next!

I had a careless shop teacher in High School...

He lost his thumb and ring finger in an accident. What a shocker.

What has 4 thumbs and pretends to be an adult at a movie theater?

Dis guise!

My brother wanted me to go over the thumb rules of escaping a mass shooting..

- Clear out a particular chunk of the crowd,
- Shoot yourself in the foot
- Drop the gun and mix with the crowd.

I'm in jail for assault, but I had to uphold my honor when he bit his thumb at me.

That'll teach that baby...

I like to imagine my fingers as the races of Middle Earth...

The thumb is the dwarf because it's stout
The pinkie is the hobbit because it's diminutive
The index is the elf because it's the most dexterous
The ring is the human because they were given the most rings
And the middle is the orc... because it's the rudest

What did one thumbtack say to the other after s**...?

I love your tac-dik

I went to the worst restaurant last night

The waiter was holding my steak down with his thumb.
I said 'Excuse me, why are you holding my steak down with your thumb?'
He said 'Well I wouldn't want to drop it again'

I just cut my thumb while slicing French bread...

You could say that I was hoisted by my own batard.

Young Jesus comes running into Saint Joseph's carpenter shop...

Daddy, did you call me?
Ah no, son, I just hit my thumb with a hammer.

I hurt my thumb today!

But on the other hand I'm ok

I saw my ex girlfriend walking on the street

Not wanting to talk to her, I pretended to be on the phone. But she walked straight to me and said: ' are you pretending to be on the phone?'
'Excuse me,' I said to my imaginery caller, then turned to her, 'No? Why would you say something like that?'
'well your thumb is at your ear and your pinky is at your mouth'

True story

Not sure where to post this.
About 6 months ago, my now 5 year old daughter came into mine and my fiance's room, and started screaming saying she was missing her thumb. It took me a minute to realize what was going on.
A little backstory, my 5 year old daughter was born about 6 weeks early, and weighed 3 lbs even, she was and is also missing her thumb on her right hand.
This girl is going to have a very twisted sense of humor, just like me.

A man walks into a bar

And sees a dog by the fireplace l**... its b**....
The man goes to the bar and orders his drink and says to the barman while pointing his thumb towards the dog and says ha, I wish I could do that
The barman replies give him a biscuit and he might let you

We kidnapped your wife and are sending you her thumb. We'll kill her if you don't pay us 100000 USD.

The thumb can belong to anyone. Send her head instead.

I was out by the street trying to hitchhike but every single car I stuck my thumb out for just passed me by. I began to wonder if itbhad something to do with the cargo shorts I was wearing.

So I went home and put on some carstop shorts, and had much better success at hitchhiking after that.

A man that can't talk goes to the doctor

A man walks into his doctor's office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It said, "I can't talk! Help me!"
The doctor nodded sagely and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table. The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered.
The doctor quickly picked up a big book and whacks the man's thumb with it as hard as he could.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" the man yelled.
"Good, good," the doctor said. "Come back tomorrow and we'll work on the 'B'."

I'm in the World Thumb Wrestling finals.

We've been deadlocked in competition for the past 15 hours. Given how worn out our thumbs are, the judges have ruled we play sudden death with our big toes.
This will end in defeet.

Thumb joke, I'm in the World Thumb Wrestling finals.

jokes about thumb