Throat Jokes

Following is our collection of vial humor and strep one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Throat puns for adults, dirty tonsils jokes or clean sinuses gags for kids.

There is an abundance of hoarse jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 84 funniest jokes on throat. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any ass witze you can hear about throat.

The Best jokes about Throat

Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?

Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

At a funeral

Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?"
Widow: "Please do."
Me: *clears throat* "Plethora."
Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."

A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral listening to the eulogies being read...

A man in the pew behind her leans forward to ask, "Do you mind if I say a word?".
No, not at all, she replies.
The man stands and clears his throat.
Bargain", he says, and sits back down.
"Thank you", the woman responds, "it means a great deal."

The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.

There was no coffin at the funeral

My little brother wanted to be treated like a prince...

...So I slit his throat while he was sleeping to ensure he didn't lay claim to my crown.


Breast Feeding

A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast feed her baby on the bus. The baby refuses to eat and the mother warns, "If you don't eat I'll give it to the man next to me." The baby refuses. After 20 mins the mother repeats the threat. The man clears his throat and says, "Hey woman, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off the bus 6 stops ago!"

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

Because she gets a frog in her throat at 69.

A man has a sore throat and goes to the doctor...

Doctor: "Your tonsils gotta come out."

Patient: "I want a second opinion!"

Doctor: "Okay, I don't like your haircut."

I just swallowed a dictionary...

It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had,

BJ for Sore Throat

"You don't look so good today, Bambi," said Barbie.


"You're right," said Bambi. "I feel like I'm coming down with something. My throat really hurts."


Barbie suggested, "You know, whenever I have a sore throat I give my husband oral sex and the next day I feel great."


Bambi carefully considered this. The next day Barbie noticed that Bambi looked better.


"You look much better today. Did you take my suggestion?"


Bambi replied, "I sure did. It worked great. And your husband just couldn't believe that it was your idea!"

A horse walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse screams, "I will end you!" And bites the bartender in the throat. A priest, a nun, and a rabbi who were just approaching the entrance quietly turn and walk away as the horse shakes the bartender vigorously back and forth screaming, "why the floppy head?! Why the floppy head?!"


When Canada was first founded, its leaders were having trouble coming up with a name.

Unable to come up with any ideas, they decided the best course of action would be to draw random letters out of a hat.

One man pulled out a letter, cleared his throat, and read,

"C, eh."

The letter was written down. The man pulled out another letter and read,

"N, eh."

This, too, was recorded. The man drew one more letter and read,

"D, eh."

Last night a man attacked me.

Last night when i was coming home from work a man attacked me. He silently put the knife to my throat with his hand covering my mouth.. I think that's it, I'm done. He takes out his business card, gives it to me and leaves. With a pounding heart and shortness of breath, I read it.

It said : *Self-defense courses.*

The inventor of throat lozenges has died.

There will be no coffin at his funeral.

It's hurts for me to say this...

But I have a sore throat.

[NSFW] "You don't sound so well today", a woman told her business partner.

"I have a sore throat", the partner responded.
"I have the best cure", the first said. "Each time I have a sore throat I blow my husband and immediately feel better."
The next day the partner walks into work with a smile on her face.
"Did you do what I suggested?", the first asked.
"Yes, and thanks for the tip", the second said.
"Your husband couldn't believe it was your idea!"

What's 9 inches long, purple, and I love to shove it down my girlfriend's throat?

Her miscarriage.

A woman is sitting at a funeral, for her husband.

A man then asks "do you mind if I say a word?"

The woman replies "No, go ahead"

The man makes his way to the front at the head of the coffin, clears his throat and says "plethora" before returning to his seat.

"Thank you" says the woman. "That means a lot."

A man is sitting next to woman on a bus

The woman is trying to breastfeed, but the baby refuses to suck on her breast. She warns her child, if you don't start sucking, I'm going to give it to the man next to me , but the baby still refuses.

After 20 minutes, the woman repeats the threat several times to no avail. The man finally clears his throat and says, look here lady, you need to make up your mind, I was supposed to get off 6 bus stops ago!


The guy who invented throat lozenges just died...

I heard there will be no coffin at his funeral.

Guy walks into bar

Wanting to know who owns the Great Dane tied up outside because his dog just killed said Great Dane.

A man at the bar stands up obviously perplexed and says what kind of dog do you have that it just killed my Great Dane?

Other man responds proudly he owns a Chiwawa.

You're saying your Chiwawa killed my Great Dane? Not really believing what he was hearing.

Yes other man responds my dog got lodged in your dogs throat

Sesame Street never allowed Mrs. Piggy to count to 100.

Everytime she made it to 69, she got a frog in her throat.

Three men are captured by canibals

The canibals say that they will be killed and their skin will be made into a canoe, and that they can choose how they die.

The first one jumps off a rock, the second one cuts his throat.
The third one takes a fork, starts stabing himself and yelling 'NO CANOE FOR YOU!"

A man stands up at a funeral

and says to the priest, 'Excuse me, Father... I knew the deceased. Would you mind if I said a quick word?'

The priest nods him on, so the man clears his throat, pauses for a moment, and says, 'Plethora', before sitting back down.

The widow goes back to the man, gives him a hug and says, 'Thank you. That means a lot.'

So there's this man with a parrot.

And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.

The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow,

"Mind if I say a word?"

"Please do", she says.

Silence ensues...

The man clears his throat and went on

"Plethora"

Tears welled up in her eyes.

"Thank you, that means a lot"

The gift.

Knowing that the minister had a very sore throat, an elderly woman presented him with a bottle of cherry brandy.

"This is quite soothing, the woman said, "but please don't tell anyone I gave you liquor. Everyone thinks I am teetotaler."

"I understand," replied the good man.

When the church magazine came out a few days later, the congregant skimmed the "With Appreciation" column. There she read: "The minister extends his thanks to Mrs. Alice Rodgers for her gift of fruit and the spirit in which it was given."

A woman is sitting at her husbands funeral listening to the eulogies

She turned to the man next to her and asked if he would say a few words.

Certainly , he says and walks up to the mic

A few words the man says before sitting back down

That's exactly what I needed to hear says the woman.

A man sitting behind her leans forward and asks, Do you mind if I say a word?

Not at all she replies

He stands, walks forward and clears his throat.

Bargain he says before returning to his seat

Thanks , says the woman, that means a great deal

Another man then takes the mic and simply says many .

Thank you, that means a lot says the woman

A young buzzard is bringing his new boyfriend home...

He turns to his dad and says "So, what are we having for dinner?"

The father bird clears his throat.

"Carrion, my gay bird son. There'll be peas when you are done."

I went to the funeral of the man who invented the throat lozenge.

There was no coffin.

A guy goes into a bar and asks the bartender for his best scotch.

The bartender reaches up to the top shelf and gingerly picks up a bottle of single malt. He carefully pours a shot into a clean glass and put in on the bar. The guy grabs the drink and throws it down his throat in one gulp. The bartender is aghast and says " Whoa, whoa that is 17 year old nectar from the Scottish Highlands. It should be savored and enjoyed not gulped like a shot of cheap vodka !" The guy says "You would drink it fast if you have what I have." "Why what do you have ?" he asks. The guy says "$1.28 !"

Why did the inventor of throat lozenges choose to be cremated?

So there wouldn't be any coffin.

How come Miss Piggy couldn't talk?

She had a frog in her throat.

Why did Miss Piggy call in sick from work?

She had had a frog in her throat

A Boy chokes on a coin

A little boy was playing in his yard when he swallowed a coin that became lodged in his throat. His mother picked him up and ran down the street screaming for help. Luckily, a man ran over and hit the boy hard on the back so that the coin popped out of his mouth. "Thank you so much, doctor!" the mother said.
"Oh, I'm not a doctor, ma'am," said the man. "I work for the IRS"

A man was walking through Northern Ireland in 1975

Someone in a mask came up behind him and put a knife against his throat. Are you Catholic or Protestant? he shouted.

The man realised if he said he was Catholic and his assailant was Protestant, he was dead. Likewise, if he said he was Protestant and his assailant was Catholic, he was dead. After some quick thinking, he came up with a smart answer.

I'm Jewish! he said quickly.

The attacker replied Wow, I must be the luckiest Arab in Ireland!

A fascist, liberal, and communist start arguing who's got a better ideology

To settle their argument, they decide to see whose ideology can make a cat eat mustard.

Fascist takes a spoonful of mustard and forcefully shoves it down the cat's throat.

Liberal puts mustard between two pieces of tasty meat and thus tricks the cat into eating it.

Communist smears mustard below the cat's tail. Poor animal starts meowing and tries to lick it off. Communist says: Note, it's eating mustard voluntarily and with a cheerful song!

A man is at a funeral of an old friend.

He approaches the dead man's wife, and asks if he could say a word or two. The wife says that yes, he could. The man stands up, clears his throat, and says "Catholic Priest"

The wife smiles, and says "Thank you, we were all touched."

2 men were lost in the desert

Their car broke down and they were wandering for hours. It's midday and the sun was scorching hot. They're lost, hungry and their throat were parched. In the distance they saw a huge mosque.

Man 1: Let's pretend to be Muslims and they'll give us food and water.

Man 2: You go ahead and do that. I'm not gonna lie.

They reached the mosque and met the imam. The imam greeted them and asked what were their names.

Man 1: My name is Abdullah.

Man 2: My name is Thomas.

The Imam turned to his assistant as told him, "Give Brother Thomas some food and water. Brother Abdullah will break his fast with us at 7.28pm."

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband's funeral.

A man leans in to her and asks, Do you mind if I say a word? .

No, go right ahead , the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says Plethora , and sits back down.

Thanks , the woman says, that means a lot .

On a bus one day.....

.....a man was sitting next to a woman who was trying to breast-feed her child. The child however refuses to suck on the breast.

Being frustrated, the mother threatens the child, "If you don't suck on, I will give it to the man next to us!" The child still refuses to oblige. After about 10 minutes of failed effort to get her child to breastfeed, the woman threatens her child again.

Finally the man clears his throat and says, "Look here woman, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off 6 stops ago!"

What does Miss Piggy call oral sex?

Having a frog in her throat.

As told by an Austrian engineer

Three engineers, a Brit, a Frenchman, and an Austrian, were found guilty of treason in a former colony. The sentence was death by guillotine, but the engineers were given a choice of receiving the penalty face-up, or face-down. The Brit chose face-up and the blade miraculously stopped inches short of his throat. This was seen as a sign from God, and the Brit was set free. The French engineer also chose face-up, and once again, the blade stopped inches from the throat. Again, a miracle, and the Frenchman was set free. The Austrian, not to be outdone, chose face-up, but just before the blade was released was heard to proclaim, "Wait a minute, I see the problem."

At the hospital

I went to the hospital today for a Gastroscopy test.

In the waiting room the doctor came through and explained the situation to the four of us sat waiting there.

He explained that I was having the Gastroscopy, which is the camera down the throat.

Whilst the other three were there for a Colonoscopy, which is the camera up the arsehole. The doctor asked if we had any questions.

I said: "Yes. Can I go first?"

Why couldn't Miss Piggy count to 70?

Every time she got to 69, she got a little frog in her throat.

Guy goes to hospital and is seen by a nurse

"OK sir, if you could take your underwear off and we will see what the problem is".

The man is hesitant, "don't worry sir, I've been a nurse for 20 years, I've seen it all, I promise not to laugh." She says, reassuringly.

The man drops his undies and holds out his member, it is the same approximate dimensions as a AA battery, the nurse, despite her best efforts, let's out a small giggle.

She clears her throat, "I'm very sorry sir, I promise it won't happen again, can you tell me what the issue is please?"

"It's swollen." He says.

He's just waiting for the train.

There is this lady who lives near a train station , every time the train passes her closet breaks , so she calls a man to fix it . The man comes over asks her what the problem is and tells her he's going to wait in the closet till the train comes and see why the closet breaks . After 15 minutes the ladies husband comes home , and goes straight to the closet , he sees the man , grabs him by the throat and asks him " What are you doing here ?" To which the man replies " Would you believe me if I told you I was here waiting for the train .. " Sorry for any grammar mistakes , not my first language .

A Texan man walks into a pub in Ireland.

He clears his throat and announces to the people inside, "Right, I hear y'all's a bunch of heavy drinkers, so here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna give a cheque for one hundred American dollars to anyone who can drink ten pints of your Guinness back to back".

No one speaks up. Gradually the conversations start back up and one man gets up, picks up his coat and walks out.

20 minutes later he stumbles back in the door, walks up to the Texan and says "Is your wager still good?" "It sure is Paddy!" shouts the Texan, and the barman obligingly pulls ten pints of Guinness and lines them up on the bar. The pub falls silent as Paddy starts.

One

Two

Three

Four

A few people start shouting "Go on Paddy!"

Five

Six

Seven

Eight

By this point the whole pub is chanting his name. He slams the ninth glass down and drains the tenth, holding it up triumphantly. The pub erupts with cheers and the amazed Texan pulls out his chequebook and writes Paddy his cheque. He hands it to him and says "Well I'll be damned, it's true what they say about y'all! By the way, where did you go earlier?"

Paddy replies, "To O'Malley's round the corner to see if I could do it!"

One sperm said to the other sperm "I'll race you to the egg!"

The other sperm said "OK, but pace yourself, we just passed the throat!"

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar, and asks:

-who owns the big dobermann outside.


-I own that dog, the meanest and ugliest of the bikers say.

-I am truly sorry, but it appears that my little Chihuahua has killed it.

-"What? How is that possible?" The biker says.

-Well, your dog got mine stuck in its throat.

I visited an old, abandoned fairground yesterday...

My whole family advised me not to.


"Don't go near the rollercoaster", said my mum.

"Why?" I asked.

"Remember... the story of how it is haunted by Runaway Tom... a ghost that is said to tie his victims to the track and have the rollercoaster run over them."


"Don't go near the pirate ship," said my sister.

"Why?"

"Because it is haunted by Cut Throat Greybeard... a ghost who will hang you and slice you..."


"And don't go into the hall of mirrors," warned my dad.

"Why, who is in there?" I asked.

"No one, you're just ugly..."

Why was Miss Piggy late for rehearsals?

She had a frog in her throat.

Politics and religion is like a d-ck

you shouldn't force it down anyone's throat especially your children.

Obama, Biden, and Clinton sit in a plane..

Obama looks out the window and says to the other two, "Ive been thinking. I wish I could do more to help these people; they deserve so much!"

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a $100 bill. He says, "If I drop this out the window, I can make somebody really happy!"

Biden clears his throat and says, "Excuse me Mr. President, but I can do you one better." He pulls out ten $10 bills and continues, "I can drop ten of these out the window and make ten people really happy!"

Clinton clears her throat and says, "I can top both of you!" She pulls out of her purse one hundred $1 bills. "I can drop one hundred of these and make one hundred people really happy!"

At this point the pilot comes out of the cabinet and laughs. At the inquiring looks of Obama, Biden, and Clinton he says, "I can top all of you! I can crash this plane and make millions of people happy!"

21st birthday

A little boy is born with a terrible birth defect - he has only a head, no torso, no limbs.

On his 21st birthday, his friends take him to the bar to celebrate. One of them pours his first beer down his throat - and poof! All of a sudden, a neck and torso pop out of his head.

His friends are stunned. "Quick, get him another one!" So one of them helps him drink another beer - and poof! Two arms pop out of the torso.

Amazed, they order another beer, which the boy (now having arms) proudly drinks all by himself. Poof! Two legs pop out of the torso. All his friends cheer as the guy gets up to take a few steps. But he's unsteady on his new legs - not helped by three beers in rapid succession - and after a few steps he stumbles through the front door and into the street, and gets flattened by a bus.

"Bummer," says one of the guys in the bar. "He should have quit while he was ahead."

A man diagnosed with throat cancer...

A man diagnosed with throat cancer tells his family of the bad news, he starts:

"It pains me to say this..."

A monkey sits in a tree when a lizard asks..

..."what are you doing?". "I'm rolling a joint" answered the monkey. "Wanna join?"

The lizard joins but after a while the lizard says "I have a strange feeling in my throat.. Imma go down to the river for some water."

On way to the river the lizard feels he smoked a little too much. And he falls right in the river.

A crocodile sees him and helps him up. The crocodile asks why he was so clumsy and fell in the river. The lizard answered by explaining everything about the monkey and the joint.

The crocodile is against psychedelic drugs, and he therefore goes into the jungle to speak with the monkey.

"Hey, you!" yells the crocodile.

The monkey sits up in the tree and looks down and says "Shiiiit... how much water did you drink?"

Little girl logic

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

Why does Loki buy cough drops?

He doesn't want to get a Thor throat

My kids were very excited to learn how to make a hamburger.

They seemed to lose interest after I cut the cow's throat.

What do you call a pony with a sore throat?

A little hoarse

Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day.

Force a man a fish down his throat and he'll be fed for the rest of his life.

Two sperms are talking with each other...

"Hey man, how long till we get the ovaries?"

"Long way still, we just passed the throat."

What do programmers do when something is stuck in their throat?

They hack.

Knowledge

I swallowed a dictionary....it gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had. -credit goes to my 80 yo grandmother

I ate a dictionary last night...

It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had

I ate a dictionary the other day....

ever since then I've had thesaurus throat

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

She gets a frog in her throat at 69.

Airplanes are a blessing in disguise

*clears throat*

Excuse me...

A blessing in the skies.



It's better said than typed :/

Number Bullying

1 was making fun of 0 for being fat and how he equates to nothing. This continued for several weeks until 0 had enough. He grabs 1 by his throat and shouts "Stop boolean me!".

50 Shades

He slowly but firmly grabs my throat. I try to say goodbye and I choke. I try to walk away and I stumble...'
- of Macy Gray.

A woman comes into the ER...

A true story!

A woman came into the ER with a fish bone caught in her throat.

An orderly put her into a wheelchair, and wheeled her off toward an examination room. They came to the top of a ramp, the orderly stumbled, and accidentally let go.

The lady accelerates down the ramp, hits the doorjamb at the bottom, and goes sprawling. As a result, she coughed up the fish bone.

The orderly, now worried about getting into trouble, thinks quick, and says "You're really lucky lady, usually we have to do that 2 or 3 times!"

Why couldn't Miss Piggy give a speech at the Emmys?

She had a frog in her throat

I saw a pink bird with a sore throat.

Must have been a phlegmingo.

A man goes to a funeral ...

After the regular round of eulogies and speeches and well wishers, he leans over the pew and asks the widow:

"Mind if I say a word?"

No, of course not , she says. "Please do."

The man stands up, clears his throat and says:

"Abacus"

Then promptly sits down.

The widow leans back and says: "Thanks, it's the little things that count .

How do you deep throat a Muslim girl?

You Ramadan her throat.

Why did Eve eating the forbidden fruit cause a lump in Adams throat?

Because she was eating Adam's apple.

Why couldn't Miss Piggy count to 100?

Because when she got to 69, there was a frog in her throat.

Why can't Kermit and Miss Piggy count to one hundred?

Because every time they get to 69, Miss Piggy gets a frog in her throat.

A man got a sore throat and goes to a doctor's house

He knocks on the door and the doctor's wife opens the door "is the doctor home?" He asks whispering because of his throat. The wife looks outside, sees no one and whispers "No, he's not. Come in".

Why did Miss Piggy lose her voice?

She frequently had a frog in her throat.

A man rushes into a bar,

he orders up two shots of bourbon. As soon as the bartender puts them in front of him, the guy slams them down his throat.
"Two more!", the man requests.
The bartender, frowning, pours two more shots. Immediately the man downs both.
"Keep 'em coming - TWO MORE!", he demands.
The bartender advises, "You should slow down there buddy?"
The man replies, "Hey! If you had what I have, you'd be drinkin' this way too!"
The bartender, embarrased, apologizes pouring two more, "I'm sorry man. What have you got?"

The guy explains, "A buck-fifty"

Did you hear about the chihuahua that killed the German Shepherd

It got stuck in its throat.

Why do cannibals cough so much when eating hands?

They get a tickle in their throat

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes