The Best 84 Throat Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Throat jokes. There are some throat strep jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these throat sinuses puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Throat Jokes and Puns
Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?
Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.
So there's this man with a parrot.
And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
A Boy chokes on a coin
A little boy was playing in his yard when he swallowed a coin that became lodged in his throat. His mother picked him up and ran down the street screaming for help. Luckily, a man ran over and hit the boy hard on the back so that the coin popped out of his mouth. "Thank you so much, doctor!" the mother said.
"Oh, I'm not a doctor, ma'am," said the man. "I work for the IRS"
How come Miss Piggy couldn't talk?
She had a frog in her throat.
The gift.
Knowing that the minister had a very sore throat, an elderly woman presented him with a bottle of cherry brandy.
"This is quite soothing, the woman said, "but please don't tell anyone I gave you liquor. Everyone thinks I am teetotaler."
"I understand," replied the good man.
When the church magazine came out a few days later, the congregant skimmed the "With Appreciation" column. There she read: "The minister extends his thanks to Mrs. Alice Rodgers for her gift of fruit and the spirit in which it was given."
Number Bullying
1 was making fun of 0 for being fat and how he equates to nothing. This continued for several weeks until 0 had enough. He grabs 1 by his throat and shouts "Stop boolean me!".
A man has a sore throat and goes to the doctor...
Doctor: "Your tonsils gotta come out."
Patient: "I want a second opinion!"
Doctor: "Okay, I don't like your haircut."
A man diagnosed with throat cancer...
A man diagnosed with throat cancer tells his family of the bad news, he starts:
"It pains me to say this..."
A man walks into a bar
A man walks into a bar, and asks:
-who owns the big dobermann outside.
-I own that dog, the meanest and ugliest of the bikers say.
-I am truly sorry, but it appears that my little Chihuahua has killed it.
-"What? How is that possible?" The biker says.
-Well, your dog got mine stuck in its throat.
50 Shades
He slowly but firmly grabs my throat. I try to say goodbye and I choke. I try to walk away and I stumble...'
- of Macy Gray.
The inventor of throat lozenges has died.
There will be no coffin at his funeral.
You can explore throat vial reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean throat tonsils dad jokes. There are also throat puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Why couldn't Miss Piggy count to 70?
Every time she got to 69, she got a little frog in her throat.
At the hospital
I went to the hospital today for a Gastroscopy test.
In the waiting room the doctor came through and explained the situation to the four of us sat waiting there.
He explained that I was having the Gastroscopy, which is the camera down the throat.
Whilst the other three were there for a Colonoscopy, which is the camera up the arsehole. The doctor asked if we had any questions.
I said: "Yes. Can I go first?"
Why did the inventor of throat lozenges choose to be cremated?
So there wouldn't be any coffin.
Why couldn't Miss Piggy count to 100?
Because when she got to 69, there was a frog in her throat.
Two sperms are talking with each other...
"Hey man, how long till we get the ovaries?"
"Long way still, we just passed the throat."
It's hurts for me to say this...
But I have a sore throat.
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral
How do you deep throat a Muslim girl?
You Ramadan her throat.
Three men are captured by canibals
The canibals say that they will be killed and their skin will be made into a canoe, and that they can choose how they die.
The first one jumps off a rock, the second one cuts his throat.
The third one takes a fork, starts stabing himself and yelling 'NO CANOE FOR YOU!"
One sperm said to the other sperm "I'll race you to the egg!"
The other sperm said "OK, but pace yourself, we just passed the throat!"
I saw a pink bird with a sore throat.
Must have been a phlegmingo.
I went to the funeral of the man who invented the throat lozenge.
There was no coffin.
Why can't Kermit and Miss Piggy count to one hundred?
Because every time they get to 69, Miss Piggy gets a frog in her throat.
Sesame Street never allowed Mrs. Piggy to count to 100.
Everytime she made it to 69, she got a frog in her throat.
The guy who invented throat lozenges just died...
I heard there will be no coffin at his funeral.
A young buzzard is bringing his new boyfriend home...
He turns to his dad and says "So, what are we having for dinner?"
The father bird clears his throat.
"Carrion, my gay bird son. There'll be peas when you are done."
What's 9 inches long, purple, and I love to shove it down my girlfriend's throat?
Her miscarriage.
Why couldn't Miss Piggy give a speech at the Emmys?
She had a frog in her throat
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
Because she gets a frog in her throat at 69.
My little brother wanted to be treated like a prince...
...So I slit his throat while he was sleeping to ensure he didn't lay claim to my crown.
Last night a man attacked me.
Last night when i was coming home from work a man attacked me. He silently put the knife to my throat with his hand covering my mouth.. I think that's it, I'm done. He takes out his business card, gives it to me and leaves. With a pounding heart and shortness of breath, I read it.
It said : *Self-defense courses.*
What do you call a pony with a sore throat?
A little hoarse
"I do." "I know."
The priest cleared his throat disapprovingly:
"Mister Solo, you need to say the words so we can end the ceremony."
At a funeral
Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?"
Widow: "Please do."
Me: *clears throat* "Plethora."
Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."
Why do cannibals cough so much when eating hands?
They get a tickle in their throat
[NSFW] "You don't sound so well today", a woman told her business partner.
"I have a sore throat", the partner responded.
"I have the best cure", the first said. "Each time I have a sore throat I blow my husband and immediately feel better."
The next day the partner walks into work with a smile on her face.
"Did you do what I suggested?", the first asked.
"Yes, and thanks for the tip", the second said.
"Your husband couldn't believe it was your idea!"
A horse walks into a bar...
The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse screams, "I will end you!" And bites the bartender in the throat. A priest, a nun, and a rabbi who were just approaching the entrance quietly turn and walk away as the horse shakes the bartender vigorously back and forth screaming, "why the floppy head?! Why the floppy head?!"
Why did Eve eating the forbidden fruit cause a lump in Adams throat?
Because she was eating Adam's apple.
A man got a sore throat and goes to a doctor's house
He knocks on the door and the doctor's wife opens the door "is the doctor home?" He asks whispering because of his throat. The wife looks outside, sees no one and whispers "No, he's not. Come in".
Why did Miss Piggy call in sick from work?
She had had a frog in her throat
Why does Loki buy cough drops?
He doesn't want to get a Thor throat
When Canada was first founded, its leaders were having trouble coming up with a name.
Unable to come up with any ideas, they decided the best course of action would be to draw random letters out of a hat.
One man pulled out a letter, cleared his throat, and read,
"C, eh."
The letter was written down. The man pulled out another letter and read,
"N, eh."
This, too, was recorded. The man drew one more letter and read,
"D, eh."
Knowledge
I swallowed a dictionary....it gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had. -credit goes to my 80 yo grandmother
What do programmers do when something is stuck in their throat?
They hack.
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband's funeral.
A man leans in to her and asks, Do you mind if I say a word? .
No, go right ahead , the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says Plethora , and sits back down.
Thanks , the woman says, that means a lot .
A woman is sitting at a funeral, for her husband.
A man then asks "do you mind if I say a word?"
The woman replies "No, go ahead"
The man makes his way to the front at the head of the coffin, clears his throat and says "plethora" before returning to his seat.
"Thank you" says the woman. "That means a lot."
A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow,
"Mind if I say a word?"
"Please do", she says.
Silence ensues...
The man clears his throat and went on
"Plethora"
Tears welled up in her eyes.
"Thank you, that means a lot"
Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day.
Force a man a fish down his throat and he'll be fed for the rest of his life.
A man stands up at a funeral
and says to the priest, 'Excuse me, Father... I knew the deceased. Would you mind if I said a quick word?'
The priest nods him on, so the man clears his throat, pauses for a moment, and says, 'Plethora', before sitting back down.
The widow goes back to the man, gives him a hug and says, 'Thank you. That means a lot.'
A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral listening to the eulogies being read...
A man in the pew behind her leans forward to ask, "Do you mind if I say a word?".
No, not at all, she replies.
The man stands and clears his throat.
Bargain", he says, and sits back down.
"Thank you", the woman responds, "it means a great deal."
A man goes to a funeral ...
After the regular round of eulogies and speeches and well wishers, he leans over the pew and asks the widow:
"Mind if I say a word?"
No, of course not , she says. "Please do."
The man stands up, clears his throat and says:
"Abacus"
Then promptly sits down.
The widow leans back and says: "Thanks, it's the little things that count .
A man is sitting next to woman on a bus
The woman is trying to breastfeed, but the baby refuses to suck on her breast. She warns her child, if you don't start sucking, I'm going to give it to the man next to me , but the baby still refuses.
After 20 minutes, the woman repeats the threat several times to no avail. The man finally clears his throat and says, look here lady, you need to make up your mind, I was supposed to get off 6 bus stops ago!
Guy walks into bar
Wanting to know who owns the Great Dane tied up outside because his dog just killed said Great Dane.
A man at the bar stands up obviously perplexed and says what kind of dog do you have that it just killed my Great Dane?
Other man responds proudly he owns a Chiwawa.
You're saying your Chiwawa killed my Great Dane? Not really believing what he was hearing.
Yes other man responds my dog got lodged in your dogs throat
I just swallowed a dictionary...
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had,
A man is at a funeral of an old friend.
He approaches the dead man's wife, and asks if he could say a word or two. The wife says that yes, he could. The man stands up, clears his throat, and says "Catholic Priest"
The wife smiles, and says "Thank you, we were all touched."
My kids were very excited to learn how to make a hamburger.
They seemed to lose interest after I cut the cow's throat.
A long-neck giraffe is eating with a rabbit in the forest
... and then the giraffe brags, "Bet you are really envious of my long neck. When I'm eating, delicious food usually lingers in my throat and oh my, the taste, the scent, that feels really good!"
The rabbit swallows a mouthful real fast and then asks,
"Have you ever puked?"
Why did Miss Piggy lose her voice?
She frequently had a frog in her throat.
What does Miss Piggy call oral sex?
Having a frog in her throat.
Why was Miss Piggy late for rehearsals?
She had a frog in her throat.
Breast Feeding
A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast feed her baby on the bus. The baby refuses to eat and the mother warns, "If you don't eat I'll give it to the man next to me." The baby refuses. After 20 mins the mother repeats the threat. The man clears his throat and says, "Hey woman, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off the bus 6 stops ago!"
Politics and religion is like a d-ck
you shouldn't force it down anyone's throat especially your children.
I ate a dictionary last night...
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had
I ate a dictionary the other day....
ever since then I've had thesaurus throat
BJ for Sore Throat
"You don't look so good today, Bambi," said Barbie.
"You're right," said Bambi. "I feel like I'm coming down with something. My throat really hurts."
Barbie suggested, "You know, whenever I have a sore throat I give my husband oral sex and the next day I feel great."
Bambi carefully considered this. The next day Barbie noticed that Bambi looked better.
"You look much better today. Did you take my suggestion?"
Bambi replied, "I sure did. It worked great. And your husband just couldn't believe that it was your idea!"
Airplanes are a blessing in disguise
*clears throat*
Excuse me...
A blessing in the skies.
It's better said than typed :/
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
She gets a frog in her throat at 69.
A woman is sitting at her husbands funeral listening to the eulogies
She turned to the man next to her and asked if he would say a few words.
Certainly , he says and walks up to the mic
A few words the man says before sitting back down
That's exactly what I needed to hear says the woman.
A man sitting behind her leans forward and asks, Do you mind if I say a word?
Not at all she replies
He stands, walks forward and clears his throat.
Bargain he says before returning to his seat
Thanks , says the woman, that means a great deal
Another man then takes the mic and simply says many .
Thank you, that means a lot says the woman
A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband's funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, Do you mind if I say a word? . No, go right ahead , the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says Plethora , and sits back down.
Thanks , the woman says, that means a lot .
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
Because every time she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat.
Today, a man twisted my ear, put a blade to my throat and demanded that I pay up
To hell with the barbers.
I once swallowed a whole dictionary....
...it gave me thesaurus throat I ever had.
What do people who raise the dead have in common with people who have throat fetishes?
They're both neck romancers.
I like my men how I like my coffee...
Extremely hot and capable of severely injuring my throat
Went to the doctors today and I complained, "There seems to ge a few spoons and forks stuck in my throat."
He said, "It's not serious, you just need to have utensils taken out."
What did the dictionary say when it got a cold?
I had thesaurus throat ever.....
I'll see myself out
Went to the doctor today and rasped, "There seems to be a few spoons and forks stuck in my throat." He chuckled, "It's not that serious but..."
"You'll need to have utensils taken out."
I took my gf to the bar, but she went home with...
... the coronavirus.
I'm so depressed, my throat is aching from crying and I'm losing my sense of taste and smell
My partner was afraid that I was cheating, which I wasn't.
She came to me one evening, very serious. I knew something was going on. She asked, in that tone that instantly puts a lump in your throat, I suspect you've been unfaithful. Do you have a sec to talk?
I wanted her to know she has my full attention, so I replied, I have a lot of secs!
I still can't figure out why she walked out.
A man walks into a bar.
A man walks into a bar and asks,
"Does anyone here own the Rottweiler outside?"
"Yeah, I do!" says a biker, standing up. "What about it?"
"Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..." The man hesitated.
"What are you talking about?!" the biker says in disbelief. "How could your little runt kill my Rottweiler?"
"Well, he got stuck in your dog's throat."
I was gonna start a butcher shop
But I hear it's a pretty cut throat business
Did you hear about the pony with the sore throat?
He was a little hoarse
Warning!
Don't eat dictionaries!
You'll get thesaurus throat!
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the throat hoarse jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working throat ass piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.