Three Friends Jokes
106 three friends jokes and hilarious three friends puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about three friends that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Three Friends Short Jokes
Short three friends jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The three friends humour may include short three guys jokes also.
- I asked my German friend, What's a three letter word for compete? Friend: Vie.
Me: Because I'm trying to finish a crossword. - A guy died and his three friends all owed him $100 each 1st and 2nd friends both put $100 on his coffin and declared repayment even in death. 3rd guy wrote a check for $300 and took the $200 change.
- My friend and his wife found each other on a dating website, Three years after marriage. That was awkward.
- It's been three weeks since I put superglue on my friend's pen. But he still can't let it go.
- Three old friends, Joe, Bob, and Vick are sitting on a park bench. Joe says, "Windy ain't it?"
Bob says, "Nah, it's Thursday."
Vick says, "Yeah I'm thirsty. Let's go get a beer." - I'm looking for a "rule of three" type joke for some German friends I hear they like drei humour
- Want to follow social distancing guidelines but still meet with your friends and family? Just gather in groups of three, as there will be 6 feet between all of you :)
- My friend just told me he's opening up an underground water storage facility. Oh, three of them, actually.
Well, well, well... - My friend and I decided to race our Ford Pintos. Mine broke down three miles down the road. I had to walk the rest of the way.
I won. - A few months ago my friend lost three toes in a work accident. Today his wife left him because she said that she couldn't handle it.... .....I guess she was lack toes intolerant.
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Three Friends One Liners
Which three friends one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with three friends? I can suggest the ones about three men and three people.
- Friend: Your three kids are so well behaved! Me: Well .... there used to be four.
- Why did Jesus wait three days to say hi to his old friend? He was dying to see him
- Three friends go on a camping trip together
- What do you call a group of three rapping friends? A Migos.
- My friend told me he's bad at math... I said me three!
- Three friends are walking alone in a dark shady street.
- My friend asked me to describe football in just three words "My helmet hurts"
- My friend asked me if I've ever paid for s**... I've paid dearly: I've got three kids.
Hilarious Fun Three Friends Jokes That Will Have You Rolling with Laughter
What funny jokes about three friends you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean two friends jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make three friends pranks.
Three old friends got together and were discussing what movie they had watched when they conceived their children. One lady says she had just watched a movie called The Search for One-eye Jimmy and nine months later she gave birth to her baby. Another lady says, "Oh, I saw the movie Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and then nine months later I had septuplets." The last lady gasps and exclaims, "Oh no, I just watched 101 Dalmations!"
In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket...
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still couldn't!
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, still she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"
At this, the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
There were three friends...
There were three friends - a lawyer, a doctor and a manager. The three of them were talking about the merits of having a wife vs. the merits of having a mistress.
The lawyer says, "It is more convenient to have a mistress. If you have a wife and want a divorce, there are all sorts of legal issues."
The doctor remarks: "It is certainly better to have a wife as it gives you a sense of security which in turn lowers your stress and helps you lead a healthy life."
The manager differs by saying: "I don't agree with either of you. I think it's best to have both. So when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress believes you are with your wife - you can go to the office and finish some work."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men die, and go to the pearly gates...
St. Peter walks up to the firsts, and he says: "You have lived a good life, but you have cheated on your wife many times. Confess here before your friends, and you will be allowed into heaven."
The man says: "I slept with a different woman every week of my ten-year marriage. I beg for forgiveness."
St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a bicycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin.
The second man says:"I was married for five years, and I slept with a different woman as a lover each year. I beg for forgiveness."
St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a motorcycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin.
The third man says: "I was married for a month, and stayed faithful throughout. Then my wife died, so I committed s**... so I may be with her."
St. Peter tells him: "I know. Follow me." He then leads him to a helicopter, and tells him to enjoy the ride. The man soon enough passes the other two men, who see him land a short distance away. They eventually catch up to him, and see he is crying.
The first two men ask him: "Why are you crying? You have no sins to atone for!"
The third says: "I just saw my wife... She was skateboarding."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So there is a friend of mine who invited me to a s**... party
I asked him "how many people will there be ?"
"Bring your wife and we'll be three" he said
What's sad about three black guys driving over a cliff in a Cadillac?
They were my friends :(
Read the punchline out loud. I first heard this in high school, not sure how well it translates to print.
Poor Tom.
When he was seven, he lost his left eye in a tragic accident. Being from a poor family, the only replacement they could afford was a wooden eye.
When he was seventeen, three weeks before the prom, he was still dateless. He decided to work up the courage to ask someone, but he knew he has limits. He set his eye of Amy, a girl in his class, who spoke with a lisp.
He walked up to her at lunch, while she was surrounded by her friends, and he managed to stammer out a quiet "willyougotothepromwithme?"
"Whath that? I can't hear what you're thaying."
"Will you go to the prom? With me?" he answered, a little louder.
Amy smiled. She never thought anyone would ask her!
"Go with you? Would I? Would I?"
"LISP LISP LISP!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an Italian are all on a plane.
All three are heading to China for 2 months for a business trip. The Frenchman and the Englishman start talking about the night before:
Englishman: "I'll have you know I made love to my wife 3 times and this morning she told me she adored me"
Frenchman: "Ha ha! That is very good my friend, however, I believe I have you beat; last night I made love to my wife 6 times and this morning she told me should would never love anyone else!"
The Englishman congratulates the Frenchman and then they look over at the Italian who hasn't said anything the whole flight.
Englishman: "How many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
Italian: "Once"
Frenchman: "Once? What did she say in the morning?"
Italian: "Don't stop"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A w**... Contest.
Three 3rd Graders, an Irish, an Italian, and a Black are in the bathroom during recess and they decide to have a w**... contest to see who has the biggest w**...! The Irish boy pulls his out first and it's pretty small. The Italian goes next and it's about average. Then the Black Boy pulls his out and it's clearly the largest, but the other boys say "Well you won, but it's because you're black!"
So that night when the black boy goes home, his mom asks him what he did in school that day. He tells her how they did coloring, and reading, and what they learned, and how he played recess, but then he says "And mom, today me and my friends had a w**... contest, and I won! But mom, the others boys said I only won because I'm black". To which his mom replies "Tyrone, you didn't win because you're black, you won because you're 17!"
Orange Jews
Three of my best friends and I are Jewish in a school with a total of probably 20 Jewish kids (so everyone know we are Jewish). This year for Halloween, the four of us are all going dressed in orange morph suits. If anyone asks what we are, we will simply respond with "orange juice."
A cute one I heard from a friend at work.
Three animals walk into a bar; A duck,a skunk and a deer. They go up to the bar and order 3 drinks. "5 dollars" Says the bartender. The deer looks at the duck and says "I don't have a buck to my name!" the skunk cries "I have no money, not even a scent!" but the duck says to the bartender "It's alright, just put it on my bill".
Marylou
One day, as a husband was reading the Sunday paper, his wife smacked him upside the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" cried the husband.
"I was doing your laundry when I found a piece of paper with the name of Marylou on it!" screamed the wife. "Who is she? Are you cheating on me?"
"Honey don't worry. Remember when I went to the horse race three weeks ago with my friends? Marylou was the name of the horse I was betting on.
Satisfied, the wife continued doing the laundry. A few hours later, the wife smacked the husband with a frying pan again.
"What was that for?" said the annoyed husband.
"Your horse called."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
9 inches
Seeing a gorgeous woman sitting at the bar, my friend walks up to her and says "How about we go up to my room and I'll slip you nine inches?" The woman looks him up and down and says "I don't think you can get it up three times."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip.
After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Watson awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Holmes, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Holmes replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Sherlock says
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Watson?"
Watson was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Holmes, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
On long plane trip, a woman is sitting next to a lawyer. She wants to sleep, but the lawyer does not stop talking...
*"Let's play a game"* - he suggests.
The woman ignores him.
*"To make it interesting"* - he continues - *"if I answer incorrectly to your question, I'll pay you $50. If you answer incorrectly to my question, you pay me $5."*
The woman agrees, and the lawyer asks the first question.
*"What is the distance between Earth and the Moon?"*
The woman hands him $5. Now it's her turn.
*"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"*
The lawyer is astonished. He frantically surfs the Internet, searches his pocket encyclopedia and asks his scientist friends. He finds nothing. Hours later, when finally giving up looking for the answer, he wakes the woman, hands her $50 and asks:
*"So, what is the answer?"*
Without saying a word, she hands him $5 and goes back to sleep.
**
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men compare how they control their wives...
Three friends are sitting in a bar after a day of work, discussing their lives when the topic of conversation turns to how often they fight with their wives. The first guy says, "I just put my foot down and tell her what's what, and there's no more arguing after that. Then I get the TV to myself all night."
The second guy says, "I just keep repeating my point until she sees the light. Then she always makes my favourite dinner and gives me a back rub."
The third guy says, "Every time we argue, my wife is always on her hands and knees by the end of it."
The other two look at him, impressed. "Then what happens?" The second one asks.
"Well," the third says, " then she says 'Get out from under the bed and fight me you p**...!' "
Two friends meet up and one says: "So I've heard you formed a band?"
\- Yes, a quartet!
A quartet? That's four of you, right?
\- No, three.
Three!?
\- Yes, me and my brother.
You have a brother?
\- No, who do you ask?
Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom..
Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom.
The other three guys start talking about how succesful their sons are.
Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a cardealership and just gave his best friend a Ferarri.
Guy 2: Thats nothing, my son owns an airliner and just gave his best friend a private jet
Guy 3: Well my son is more success than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a castle
Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys
Guy 4: Hey guys what are we talking about
Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are
Guy 4:Well, my son is a Gay stripper
Guy 2: You must be so dissappointed with what he's done with his life
Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a caste from his three boyfriends.
A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn
A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland.
When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. Oh, and by the way, I converted to Christianity."
"Oh, my," said the father. What have I done?"
He decided to go ask his old friend Jacob what to do.
Jake said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."
So they went to see the rabbi.
The rabbi said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people?
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do.
Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven.
The Voice said, "Funny you should ask. I, too, sent my Son to Israel...
Three friends at the bar...
- The first: "You know... my wife wants two children after seeing Hansel and Gretel"
- The second: "My wife instead wants seven children after seeing Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs"
- The third: "Umh I have to go, my wife is watching 101 Dalmatians".
Sherlock and Watson take a vacation
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"
Three hard-of-hearing friends are sitting together on a bench.
One says "Wow, it sure is windy."
Another corrects, "No, it's Thursday."
The last one says "So am I, let's go inside and drink some tea."
A friend of mine hosted a party to help him get over his girl friend dumping him.
Three of us showed up. I brought a deck of cards,and suggested we play a game.
He refused, saying we needed to wait for atleast one more person to show up.
No wonder his girlfriend dumped him. He hated four play.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Throwing Watches
Three tourists climbed up the tower with London's Big Ben and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground.
The first tourist threw his watch but heard it c**... before the had taken three steps. The second threw his watch and made only two steps before hearing his watch shatter.
The third tourist threw his watch off the tower, went down the stairs, bought a snack at a shop up the street and walked slowly back to Big Ben in time to catch the watch.
"How did you do that?" asked one of his friends.
"My watch is 30 minutes slow."
A lawyer named Strange died.
His friends asked the tombstone inscriber to write "Here lies Strange, an honest man and a lawyer" on the headstone. The inscriber suggested this would confuse people, who would think three men were buried there. He suggested "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." "Whenever anyone walks by," he explained "they'll be certain to remark, 'That's Strange.'"
An old man sets up three beds in his room...
and lays out three chairs. One day, a friend comes over and the old man serves three bowls of porridge.
The friend asks "Why do you have all this random stuff in your room?"
and the old man replies "Well, it worked for the 3 bears!"
My friend phoned me up at three in the morning.
He said, "Can you pick me up from the bar?"
I said, "No mate, my arms aren't that long."
A friend insisted I should drink Canady Dry.
Three weeks later I must admit I failed miserably.
"Awww... your baby is cute!"
...I said to a woman with a stroller one day.
"How old is he?" I asked.
"Well, my friend, little Johnny here is 18 months old!" she replied, motioning to her baby. "Also, I'm sorry to bother you, but what time is it?"
"Sure. It's eighty-three thousand, four hundred thirty-two seconds past midnight."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Multijokes: How many Jews can you fit in a family car.
Standard Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and six-million in the ashtray.
Follow-Up Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and none anywhere else because the Holocaust never happened.
Alternate Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and a family of eight hiding under the roof-rack.
Efficient Answ**e**r: Not enough, we'll need to use trains.
Anti-Joke Answ**e**r: Please tell me, myself and some Jewish friends are going to Florida but ~~cannot afford~~ are too-cheap for plane tickets.
Racist Answ**e**r: Throw a dollar in there and they'll all get in.
My first three wives...
"The first two ate poisonous mushrooms.
The third one took a shot to the head."
"Oh my lord" my friend says, "that is awful, who shot her?"
"I did," I say,
"She wasn't eating the poisonous mushrooms"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A new hot secretary joined a company...
Two guys of this company start to speak about her:
"Holy molly she is so hot, we should really try to sleep with her"
So they start flirting with her.
One week later, the first one manages to sleep with her. His friend asks him "So, how was it?" "Meh, my wife is better".
Surprised by this answer, this guy starts to hit on the secretary very hard, and gets to have s**... with her three days later.
His friend then asks him if he shares his opinion. He answers: "Yeah, you were actually right: your wife is better".
An Elf, a Dwarf, and a Hobbit walk into a bar...
All three proceed to eat, drink and have a good time, slamming down pint after pint of ale until finally the pub was closing. The bartender asks them how he should split the tab as it was a pretty hefty sum.
"I got this," replies the Elf as he looks at the bill. "My two friends here are always a little short anyway."
Old genie joke...
Three men find themselves stranded on a deserted island. After several years, despite their differences, they become close friends out of necessity. One day, they find an old lamp. On rubbing it clean, they release a genie who grants them each one wish.
"I wish to return to my old life!" Two of the men shout, disappearing in a puff of smoke.
The third man, a little slow, looks around at the empty island. Overcome by loneliness, he mutters, "I wish my friends were here."
Boy goes to confession and tells the priest he has been with a girl of loose morals.
"That's a grievous sin," the priest says. "Tell me: Was it Mary O'Hara?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Kate Dannaher?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Kathleen McGonigle?"
"No, Father. I don't want to say who it was."
Later, as the boy leaves the church, he sees a friend, who asks him, "How'd it go?"
He answers, "Well, I got ten Hail Marys, five Our Fathers... and three great leads."
Recently asked a friend, "What's the worst thing about being divorced three times?"
With some thought, he finally said, Well, all of them were pretty good house keepers...
How is that a bad thing? I wondered.
He replied, Every time I've divorced, they've kept my house.
Three friends: Nobody,Somebody and Mad used to live happily together
Once, Nobody and Somebody had a huge argument and in a fit of rage Somebody killed Nobody .
Horrified, Mad decided to call the cops.
Mad: Hello cops? Somebody just murdered Nobody! You need to come over quick!
Cop: What?
Mad: Somebody killed Nobody!
Cop: Sir, are you mad?
Mad: Yes sir! How did you know that?
Dogs
Lady with three dogs opens door to salesman. Salesman trying to be friendly asks "What are the names of your dogs?"
Lady says "This is Timex, he's Boliva, and there is Rolex." Salesman says with surprise. "There all named after watches!" Lady says "Of course! Their all watch dogs! "
My friend started counting geodes three months ago, and now he's living under a highway overpass.
It's crazy how quickly crystal math can ruin your life.
Three friends came into the bar
Three friends came into the bar and started eating their sandwiches.
The barman said to them "You can't eat your food here.".
So they exchanged their sandwiches.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A wealthy man dies and gives his friends $10,000 each
The man wanted his friends, a minister, a United Way executive, and a lawyer, to put the $10,000 into his grave. The man wanted nothing more than to be surrounded by his money forever. At the f**..., each person placed an envelope into the casket.
Later that night, the three started talking. The minister said he needed to confess. He only put $5000 into the grave and gave the rest to the church. The United Way executive said she also needed to admit something. She withheld $8000 for the benefit of several charities. The lawyer couldn't believe the others didn't follow their friend's last wishes, for the lawyer had put in a check for the full $10,000.
Final Memories
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
A man was worried about getting a circumcision so he asks his friend for advice
Jimmy, you got a circumcision right? How long did it take you to recover?
Well, I got it when I was three days old and I wasn't able to walk for 11 months after it
What do you call a person who speaks two languages?
Me: bilingual.
Mexican friend: Someone who can speak three languages?
Me: Trilingual
Mexican friend: And four languages?
Me: multilingual?
Mexican friend: Someone who speaks one language?
Me: ????
Mexican friend: An American.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I told my friend, "My dad just passed away. I think it's only right for me to now say...that he molested me when I was three-years-old."
"Woah, man," he said. "Too soon."
I said, "Well, yes. But that's not how a p**...'s mind works."
Friends do crosswords
Friend 1: emphatic NO, five letters
Friend 2: Never
Friend 1: firearm, three letters
Friend 2: Gun
Friend 1: disgust, three letters
Friend 2: ugh
Friend 1: form of charity, four letters
Friend 2: give
Friend 1: female sheep, three letters
Friend 2: ewe
Friend 1: Pixar movie, two letters
Friend 2: up
My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, I'm so sorry
... but you can't count Missouri twice.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend made fun of me for being a wrestling fan. He said, "You know that stuff is fake right?"
I said, "So, are your wife's b**..., but I still enjoy them for three hours every Monday night."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Girlfriend: your friends must call you M 16.
Boyfriend: Why, because I'm like a rifle in bed?
Girlfriend: no, because you b**... in three seconds
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It took a lot of b**... for my friend to sign up for the reality TV show Embarrassing Bodies .
Well, three to be exact.
A man, his wife and his friend just finished diner
"It was absolutely delicious, honey! Thank you so much, princess." says the man to his wife in the kitchen. "Could you please fetch us two beers later, baby?"
His friend says: "It is very cute that you still have nicknames for her after so long time."
The man responds: "Well, I forgot her name like three years ago, so I give her nicknames to cover it up. But seriously don't tell her, amigo!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A friend of mine told me he's been robbed at gunpoint three times.
I said "What are you, an idiot? Just stop going there."
Three old friends are walking on a beach, when one turns slightly to the group and says:
„It's windy today!
„No, it's Thursday! replies the one walking in the middle, looking a bit confused.
„So am I! Let's have a beer. adds the third one
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A bodybuilder sees a group of beautiful women flocking around a skinny guy at the gym one day...
The bodybuilder is baffled. He asks his friend: "What the h**... do they see in that wimp?"
"I hear he can bench press a hundred pounds," says the friend.
"A hundred pounds?!?" The bodybuilder snorts. "h**..., I can bench press over three hundred and fifty!!"
The friend raises an eyebrow. "With your tongue?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Four men are at a bar bragging about how successful their sons are
One says"my son is a successful brick layer and he bought his friend a Lamborghini just because"...the second man says"my friend is a successful real estate agent and he bought his friend a yacht just because"the third man says"my son is a great lawyer and he bought his friend a mansion just because"....their was a minute of silence and the second man asks the fourth man what his son does ...the fourth man replies"he's a gay stripper"..the third man says"oh you must be ashamed I'm sorry"which the fourth man says"not really his three boyfriends bought him a Lamborghini,a yacht,and a mansion just because"
I've given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles.
Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I've eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them.
And it works. I already have three people following me… two police officers and a psychiatrist.
Three men are discussing what they think is the fastest thing in the world
The first man says The fastest thing in the world is a thought... I think something and pops into my head
The second man says The fastest thing in the world is light... I turn on the light switch and the room lights up instantly
The third man thinks for a second and says you are both wrong... it's actually Diarrhoea
Confused, The two friends as him how could diarrhoea be the fastest thing in the world?
The third man replies well, the other day when I woke up, before I could even think or turn on the light, it was already too late!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A bra, a battery, and a set of jumper cables walk into a bar...
The battery and cables sit down at a table while the bra approaches the bartender.
Bra says, "Three pints, please."
Bartender replies, "I'm not serving you."
The bra asks why not.
Bartender answers, "Because you're clearly off your t**... and your friends look like they're about to start something."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Four catholic ladies are talking about how important there sons are. (Long)
The first one tells her friends my son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'
The second Catholic woman chirps, while my son is a bishop, when he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace.'
The third Catholic woman says smugly, Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence.'
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle well.....?
She replies, My son is a charismatic, 6'2 , hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, My God.
Ivan was out with his young daughter and ran into a friend he'd not seen in years.
"This is Beth." Ivan said, introducing his kid. "And what's Beth short for?" his friend asked.
* Because she's only three."*
Three rich guys bury a friend
First throws a thousand bucks into the coffin, saying "I want you to never need anything in the next life".
Second one, richer than the first, throws 5000 behind it.
All look to the third who is even richer than the other two. He writes a check over 100 grand, throws it in the coffin and remarks "Cash it if you need any".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men are standing at the train station.
They are talking to each other and they don't even notice that the train already came and is now already moving. They all run towards the door, and two of them manage to jump on the train, but the third one stays on the platform. An observer comes to the man and says: wow, your friends are fast! The man responds: Yeah, but they were here just to e**... me to the train!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Four guys are playing golf together and talking about how successful their sons are.
The first says, "My son is so successful, he's VP of his company and just gave his best friend a car. "
The second says, " That's nothing, my son is CEO of his company and just gave his best friend a house."
The third says, "Well, my son owns 3 highly profitable companies and just gave his best friend a jet."
They look expectantly at the last guy who says, "My son is a gay e**... who gets showered with love and admiration. He just got a car, a house, and a jet from three of his clients."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three vampires walk into a bar
They all take a seat and the bartender comes up to serve them.
'I'll have a glass of blood', the first vampire says. The bartender hands it to him and looks over to the next vampire.
'I'll have a glass of blood too', the second vampire says. The bartender does the same before walking up to the third.
'I'll have a cup of boiling water please', the third vampire requests. The bartender looks at him, puzzled.
'Not having a glass of blood like your friends?', the bartender asks.
'Not today.' the final vampire said, taking out a used t**... from his pocket. 'I'm making tea.'
Two old friends meet on the street one day who haven't seen each other in years...
Tony! Is that you?
Hal! You look terrific! What's your secret?
I hit a hitchhiker late at night three years ago when I was drunk and fled the scene, leaving him for dead.
Um... I meant for looking so young.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My American Clock
A Russian immigrant comes to America, works hard and is able to buy for his very first home, a condominium apartment. So he throws an all night party with his friends to celebrate. One of his guests notices a hammer and a large metal p**... next to one of the walls.
What is that for? he asks.
His host says That is my talking American clock.
Really?...How does it work?
I will show you.
The host takes the metal p**..., places it next to the wall and bangs on it with the hammer till the next door neighbor yells: It's three o'clock in the morning you idiot!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"If you could push a button and would receive $100 million, but you would whipe out 50% of the earth's human population (without anyone knowing it was you), would you push that button?"
A friend of ours: "I vould push it three times".
When your in your casket............?
Three friends from the local congregation were asked,
"When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you,
what would you like them to say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine
spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Merle commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God,
who made a huge difference in peoples lives."
Don said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to the pub on Friday with my friends and didn't come home until Sunday night. When i got home, my wife was so angry...
She said "how would you like it if you didn't see me for three days straight?"
i said "that would be b**... lovely".
So I didn't see her on the Monday, the Tuesday or the Wednesday, but by Thursday the swelling around my eyes went down enough to make her out again.
Three wishes
Three friends are stuck on an island. One day, one of the them found a bottle floating near land. It so happen to be a genie bottle! "Thankyou for freeing me! You may have three wishes!", the genie explains. The first person wished to go back home, and just like that, they vanished and went home! Excited, the second person wished to go home as well, and the genie made his wish come true. The third person was sad. They looked at the genie and said, "I'm so alone, I wish that my friends would come back!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A genie and an idiot
Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: 'I'm lonely. I wish my friends were back here.'
Do Rumanians get upset when they get asked about Vampires?
I asked my Rumanian friend whether he ever gets upset when people ask him whether his relatives were Vampires.
He said "Of course not, That has only happened two or three times this past 180 years."
