Threateningly Jokes
110 threateningly jokes and hilarious threateningly puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about threateningly that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Threateningly Short Jokes
Short threateningly jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The threateningly humour may include short jokes also.
- The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens. Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.
- My wife threatened to leave me because I wouldnt stop singing "I'm a believer". I thought she was joking And then I saw her face...
- My wife threatened to leave me due to my obsession with 'The Monkees'. I didn't think she was serious. And then I saw her face...
- I helped my neighbour with something this morning and she said, ''I could marry you!'', I couldn't believe it You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return
- Why did Ellen Pao fire an employee with cancer? She felt threatened by someone more malignant than herself
- My stalker ex-girlfriend just threatened to kill herself if I didn't take her back. Isn't it great when problems solve themselves?
- My stalker just threatened to kill herself, if I didn't love her back. It's really nice when problems resolves themselves like that.
- Saying "have a nice day" to someone, sounds friendly But "enjoy your next 24 hours" sounds threatening.
- I held the door ... open for a gorgeous blonde at the bar last night.
My wife said, "You've never held the door open for me."
I said, "What about that time you threatened to leave?" - Just had a guy threaten to attack me with the neck of a guitar I asked him, "Is that a fret?"
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Threateningly One Liners
Which threateningly one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with threateningly? I can suggest the ones about and .
- I was kidnapped by a group of mimes They threatened to do unspeakable things !
- Where does a Mexican go when they feel threatened? Hispanic Room
- Why did the accordionist get kicked out of the band? The keyboardist felt threatened.
- Someone kidnapped my mother-in-law He threatened that unless I pay up, he'll release her.
- North Korea threatens to start nuclear war France surrenders just in case
- My wife is threatening to leave me because of my Poker addiction. I think she's bluffing.
- I was kidnapped my a mime He threatened to do unspeakable things.
- How do you threaten a calender? Say "Your days are numbered."
- How long have you been working at that office?" Ever since they threatened to fire me."
- What did the pushpin say when threatened? Attack!
- How long have you worked at your company? Ever since my boss threatened to fire me.
- How do you threaten a fan of classical music? You tell him to watch his bach.
- What are sisters afraid of? Anything nun-threatening.
- How do you blackmail a Christian blond? Threaten to tell Jesus everything
- What is a feminist's feeling when she gets "threatened?" Womenaced
Threateningly Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about threateningly you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make threateningly pranks.
Rorschach's Joke
I heard a joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life is harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor... I am Pagliacci."
Hair Fragrance
Every day at the office, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a s**... harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "So what's s**... threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."
Did you hear about the terrorists who hijacked a plane of lawyers?
They threatened to release one every hour til their demands were met.
A man hard of hearing flies to Indonesia to cure his arthritis...
He returns without luck, determined to give the doctor a piece of his mind, but the doctor corrects him: "I said that the most threatening inflammation was *in your knees again*.
I wanted to open a place where people could drink and go dancing. A portion of all proceeds would be donated to a nature reserve where threatened species could breed and raise their offspring in peace. But I had to close it down.
I really thought Club Baby Seals was going to be a bigger hit.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to commit s**......
is it a hostage situation?
A man calls up his hotel's reception
He says, "Please send someone over, I'm having an argument with my wife and she's threatening to jump out the window."
The manager replies, "I'm sorry sir, but we cannot intervene, this seems to be a personal issue."
"d**... man, this is a maintenance issue; I can't get the window open!"
Santa probably regrets giving coal
Santa Claus probably regrets giving coal to naughty children now that global warming is threatening his habitat.
My girlfriend threatened to break up with me
She said, "You act so childish whenever I'm around. Now, it's either 'your mom' jokes or me."
I said, "And I, like so many men before me, will eagerly choose your mom."
One time in band camp...
They threatened me with eternal t**....
Oh wait that was Bible camp.
Donald Trump is being held hostage...
Guy 1: "Donald Trump is being held hostage by terrorists and they threaten to shoot him unless the US can come up with $5 billion in cash!"
Guy 2: "Oh my God, that's horrible! How much have people donated?"
Guy 1: "So far, 15 rifles, 20 machine guns, 16 shotguns, 8 revolvers, 76 BB guns, 18 Glocks, 15 magnums, 21 bobcats, and $12 million in bullets.
Doctors have confirmed that m**... is life threatening
Many men have died after having a s**...
A Jew gets robbed
The thief points a gun threateningly at the Jew, "Your money or your life!"
The Jew stops in his tracks and does nothing.
The thief waves the gun. "I said, your money or your life!!!!"
The Jew says, "I'm thinking, I'm thinking!"
There's a gang in my neighborhood that recruits members by threatening them with all sorts of horrible punishments and tortures if they don't join ..
but enough about the Church ..
My wife threatened to call the cops if I didn't start checking the pockets of our clothes when I did laundry.
I asked "And what exactly do you expect them to charge me with?"
She said, "Money laundering."
There was a maniac in town earlier today threatening to splash passersby with acid.
Thankfully, police managed to neutralise him.
A man comes to the entrance of Heaven
A man comes to the entrance of Heaven and is told, "You haven't done anything good, but you haven't done anything bad either. If you can tell me of something amazing you have done, I will let you in."
The man replies, "Well, one time I was driving down the road and I saw some gang members threatening a young lady in an alleyway. I stopped and confronted them. I walked up to the biggest looking dude and slapped him and said, 'You need to leave this young lady alone, or I'm going to kick your a**...!'"
The man at the entrance to heaven asked him, "When did this happen?"
The guy replies, "About five minutes ago."
A cop threatened to detain me for impersonating a police officer
Apparently, "you can't arrest me, I'm a police officer!" wasn't a very good answer.
The Imperial Wizard of the k**... was just found dead near a river in Missouri...
Man, the moment the EPA gets threatened people start dropping w**... in our water.
A s**... bomber enters a mall, trigger in hand, threatening to blow up the building.
I swiftly chop off his hand, disarming him.
I don't understand why people do all of these marathons for cancer
If I was to do one, I would expect a trophy, not a life threatening disease
A physics student was standing on top of a building, threatening to jump
I tried to talk him out of it, because he had so much potential.
A woman threatens her boyfriend
A woman threatens her boyfriend :
"If you won't stop telling me that I'm fat, I'm going to leave you !"
- "Don't do this darling ! Think about our child !" says the boyfriend, trying to convince her to stay.
- "But we **don't** have any child !" eructs the woman.
- "Wait, what ? You're not 8 months pregnant ?"
Rorschach humor
Heard joke once: Man goes to the doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor...I am Pagliacci.
My school does these things at the end of the year called "Senior Pranks".
Usually the same routine, with some alterations each year. Pull the fire alarm, play inappropriate music over the loud speaker, and throw a couple smoke bombs here and there. I'm always surprised how the local retirement home doesn't threaten to sue anyone.
My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't quit my obsession with The Monkees. I thought she was joking.
Then I saw her face.
A busload of lawyers was hijacked by terrorists...
... They're threatening to release one per hour until their demands are met.
Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine. He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore.
She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a s**... harassment grievance against the guy.
The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
"It's Bruce. The dwarf."
A Lady Threatened to Sue Her Husband's Doctor
A lady threatened to sue her husband's doctor because after he recovered from surgery he had performance issues in bed. She claimed that he could no longer get it up and therefore could no longer please her.
The Doctor responded with "How's that my fault? I only removed his cataracts."
A guy gets on a bus and starts threatening everybody:
"I'll integrate you! I'll differentiate you!"
So everybody gets scared and runs away.
Only one person stays.
The guy comes up to him and says: "Aren't you scared, I'll integrate you, I'll differentiate you!"
And the other guy says: "No, I am not scared, I am e^x."
My son threatened to hold his breath until he got ice cream
He passed out on the floor.
I don't negotiate with terrorists.
A coworker is showing a new hire around.
A coworker is showing the latest company hire around the office. How long have you worked here? the new hire asks.
Ever since they threatened to fire me, the coworker answers.
When I was in middle school, my "friends" used to force me to eat vegetables until I almost threw up.
They even started sending me pictures of vegetables on the internet, threatening to make me eat lettuce until I was sick. To this day, I still suffer from the effects of their rampant and traumatic fiber-bullying.
Teacher asks little Jonny "how long has your Dad been working at his company"
Little Jonny replies "ever since they threatened to fire him"
The bully loomed threateningly over the nerd and said, "You know what snitches get don't you?"
Ummm, "150 points?"
My landlord is threatening to kick me out because I haven't made a single rental payment in years.
She said, "Listen son, your 35. Don't you think you should get a place of your own?"
I once upset a girl I knew who was into necrophilia she told me I should...
...kill myself. I don't know if she was threatening me or hitting on me.
Yugi: Kaiba! How come Your card grabbed my card's groin and threatened to deport it...
Kaiba: You fool! You've activated my Trump card.
Terrorists have taken over the local courthouse.
They are threatening to release a lawyer every 15 minutes unless their demands are met.4
On March 27th, our math teacher burst into class and threatened to cancel Spring Break unless the one who's cheated on all their tests reveals themselves before next month
How are we supposed to catch a cheater in eight days?!
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a s**... harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?
The woman replies: It's Frank, the midget.
A guy threatened me to punch me in the face.
Apparently, I shouldn't have replied "You wouldn't do that to the father of your half-brother, would you?"
A boyfriend is ending it up with his girlfriend on the phone......
Him: Babe, I'm breaking off with you. Your father threatened me yesterday.
Her: oh no! What did he say to you?
Him: he said "If you see my daughter ever again, I'll get a 12 inch iron rod and heat up half of it red hot and put the cold half up your a**..."
Her: why the cold half??
Him: so I won't be able to take it out!!
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
A woman woke up in the middle of the night and found that her husband wasn't there beside her.
She went downstairs and found him sitting in the kitchen, drinking coffee and looking thoughtful.
"Honey, what's wrong?, she asked.
He replied, "Well do you remember when we were dating?"
"Yes"
"And do you remember the first time we had s**...?"
She smiled and answered, "Of course."
"And you remember how your Dad caught us."
She laughed and replied, "Oh god, yeah!"
"And since I was 18 and you were 17 how he threatened to send me to jail for twenty years if I didn't marry you?"
"Uh huh. What of it?", she asked.
He let out a sad sigh, "I would have gotten out today..."
An angry robber at a Russian bank threatens to kill everyone. Goes up to a teller "I'm gonna kill you! I'm so angry. What's your name?"
"Olga," replies the terrified teller.
"Oh, I'm not gonna kill you, my mother's name was Olga"
Turns to a 6'4'' security guard
"I'm gonna kill you then. What's your name?"
Guard: "My name is Boris, but my friends call me Olga"
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine
He inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a s**... harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?
The woman replies: It's Frank, the midget.
A man had an argument with his lover in a hotel room.
He calls the receptionist and says "I had an argument with my lover. She is threatening to jump out of the window if I don't divorce my wife. You have to help me."
The receptionist replied: "Sir, that looks like a personal problem. There is nothing we can do to help you out."
"Listen here, you m**..." - the man says - "That window won't open and that looks like a maintenance problem to me."
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff...
So I held a race between my farmhands. They ran equally fast, and demanded I determine the winner.
However, they both threatened to leave the farm if I declared the other the winner. I felt unable to make a decision. As a matter of fact, my hands were tied.
Nothing is more threatening than an intelligent woman
Oh, really?
How about an intelligent woman, with a knife
I forgot to renew the fee for my Scrabble membership
Now they're sending me threatening letters!
The beautiful woman next door came around complaining about items going missing from her washing line and threatened to call the police...
I nearly crapped her pants!
My son is doing a social experiment for school.
He plans on wearing an "I love Liberals" shirt out in public and will be recording the interactions with others. So far he has been cussed at, spit at, slapped, and even threatened. Im afraid what will happen when he actually leaves the house.
American Idol is like that toxic girlfriend.
It threaten's that it's going to leave, but it keeps coming back singing the same old songs.
A robber enters a house and holds the wife at gunpoint and threatens the husband to hand over all the money and jewellery..
The husband sobs " Please take whatever you want, but leave her alone" .
Robber : " Wow you must really love your wife ".
Husband " Actually she is my neighbour's wife. Mine will come back from shopping any minute" .
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.
His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.
So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.
Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
Telephone at the hotel reception:
\- Hello, I'm calling from room 303. Could you please send someone from the service? I'm arguing with my wife and she threatened to jump out the window.
\- Sorry, this is your private problem.
\- Yeah, right, but the d**... window doesn't open, and that's your problem.
2 guys sitting in a bar watching the news.
A news story comes on about someone threatening to jump off a building. o**... turns to the other and says, " I'll bet you $500.00 he will jump". The other guy says, "You're on"!
A few minutes pass and the guy on TV jumps.
The loser of the bet says, " Well, here is your $500.00. I lost fair and square". The winner says, " Thanks, but I can't take your money. I saw this on the news earlier today".
The loser says, " I saw it too. But I didn't think he'd be dumb enough to do it again".
Jesus was really bad at threatening people...
He was quoted for saying "Nobody double crosses me". And look where that got him.
The judge said "You really want the jury to believe.....
that you committed this crime because a pack of black and white, wild animals threatened to kill you if you didn't?"
"Yes, your honour", I said............ "I was badgered into it."
Edit : changed one word.
My wife told me to stop teasing our neighbor about his infertility after he threatened me with gun.
But I'm not scared because he's shooting blanks.
I think the girl at the Airlines check-in just threatened me
She looked me dead in the eye and said, Window or
aisle?" I laughed in her face and replied, "Window or you'll
what?"
My molecules are threatening to go on strike because they've lost their charge
They must have unionised!
Just a little update on the situation with my son because some of you have been fairly concerned.
He has taken going to jail pretty hard. He is refusing all food, spitting and screaming at everyone and is threatening violence at anyone who comes near him. He has smeared the walls with his s**... and is refusing to wear any clothes.
As a family we are united in our decision not to play Monopoly with him ever again.
When my wife threatened a divorce because of my obsession with the Shrek soundtrack, I thought she was joking.
But then I saw her face