Threatening Jokes
66 threatening jokes and hilarious threatening puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about threatening that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Threatening Short Jokes
Short threatening jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The threatening humour may include short frightening jokes also.
- The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens. Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.
- My wife threatened to leave me because I wouldnt stop singing "I'm a believer". I thought she was joking And then I saw her face...
- I helped my neighbour with something this morning and she said, ''I could marry you!'', I couldn't believe it You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return
- Why did Ellen Pao fire an employee with cancer? She felt threatened by someone more malignant than herself
- My stalker ex-girlfriend just threatened to kill herself if I didn't take her back. Isn't it great when problems solve themselves?
- Saying "have a nice day" to someone, sounds friendly But "enjoy your next 24 hours" sounds threatening.
- I held the door ... open for a gorgeous blonde at the bar last night.
My wife said, "You've never held the door open for me."
I said, "What about that time you threatened to leave?" - My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't quit my obsession with The Monkees. I thought she was joking. Then I saw her face.
- The beautiful woman next door came around complaining about items going missing from her washing line and threatened to call the police... I nearly crapped her pants!
- A physics student was standing on top of a building, threatening to jump I tried to talk him out of it, because he had so much potential.
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Threatening One Liners
Which threatening one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with threatening? I can suggest the ones about intimidating and scaring.
- Where does a Mexican go when they feel threatened? Hispanic Room
- Why did the accordionist get kicked out of the band? The keyboardist felt threatened.
- Someone kidnapped my mother-in-law He threatened that unless I pay up, he'll release her.
- North Korea threatens to start nuclear war France surrenders just in case
- I was kidnapped my a mime He threatened to do unspeakable things.
- How do you threaten a calender? Say "Your days are numbered."
- How long have you been working at that office?" Ever since they threatened to fire me."
- What did the pushpin say when threatened? Attack!
- What is a feminist's feeling when she gets "threatened?" Womenaced
- I'm a triple threat. My singing, dancing, and acting are all threateningly terrible.
- How long have I been working for this company? Ever since they threatened to fire me.
- What's the most threatened career in Trudeau's Canada? Pain specialists
- If you have life threatening cancer A cyst can count as kill.
- What did the threatened abortion say to the doctor? I ain't still born yet!
- I didn't quit my job today I wanted to quit, but they threatened to fire me
Charming Humor Threatening Jokes with Loads of Fun
What funny jokes about threatening you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean aggressive jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make threatening pranks.
Rorschach's Joke
I heard a joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life is harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor... I am Pagliacci."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Hair Fragrance
Every day at the office, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a s**... harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "So what's s**... threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."
My girlfriend threatened to break up with me
She said, "You act so childish whenever I'm around. Now, it's either 'your mom' jokes or me."
I said, "And I, like so many men before me, will eagerly choose your mom."
Donald Trump is being held hostage...
Guy 1: "Donald Trump is being held hostage by terrorists and they threaten to shoot him unless the US can come up with $5 billion in cash!"
Guy 2: "Oh my God, that's horrible! How much have people donated?"
Guy 1: "So far, 15 rifles, 20 machine guns, 16 shotguns, 8 revolvers, 76 BB guns, 18 Glocks, 15 magnums, 21 bobcats, and $12 million in bullets.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Doctors have confirmed that m**... is life threatening
Many men have died after having a s**...
A Jew gets robbed
The thief points a gun threateningly at the Jew, "Your money or your life!"
The Jew stops in his tracks and does nothing.
The thief waves the gun. "I said, your money or your life!!!!"
The Jew says, "I'm thinking, I'm thinking!"
There's a gang in my neighborhood that recruits members by threatening them with all sorts of horrible punishments and tortures if they don't join ..
but enough about the Church ..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man comes to the entrance of Heaven
A man comes to the entrance of Heaven and is told, "You haven't done anything good, but you haven't done anything bad either. If you can tell me of something amazing you have done, I will let you in."
The man replies, "Well, one time I was driving down the road and I saw some gang members threatening a young lady in an alleyway. I stopped and confronted them. I walked up to the biggest looking dude and slapped him and said, 'You need to leave this young lady alone, or I'm going to kick your a**...!'"
The man at the entrance to heaven asked him, "When did this happen?"
The guy replies, "About five minutes ago."
A cop threatened to detain me for impersonating a police officer
Apparently, "you can't arrest me, I'm a police officer!" wasn't a very good answer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Imperial Wizard of the k**... was just found dead near a river in Missouri...
Man, the moment the EPA gets threatened people start dropping w**... in our water.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A s**... bomber enters a mall, trigger in hand, threatening to blow up the building.
I swiftly chop off his hand, disarming him.
I don't understand why people do all of these marathons for cancer
If I was to do one, I would expect a trophy, not a life threatening disease
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman threatens her boyfriend
A woman threatens her boyfriend :
"If you won't stop telling me that I'm fat, I'm going to leave you !"
- "Don't do this darling ! Think about our child !" says the boyfriend, trying to convince her to stay.
- "But we **don't** have any child !" eructs the woman.
- "Wait, what ? You're not 8 months pregnant ?"
My school does these things at the end of the year called "Senior Pranks".
Usually the same routine, with some alterations each year. Pull the fire alarm, play inappropriate music over the loud speaker, and throw a couple smoke bombs here and there. I'm always surprised how the local retirement home doesn't threaten to sue anyone.
A busload of lawyers was hijacked by terrorists...
... They're threatening to release one per hour until their demands are met.
A Lady Threatened to Sue Her Husband's Doctor
A lady threatened to sue her husband's doctor because after he recovered from surgery he had performance issues in bed. She claimed that he could no longer get it up and therefore could no longer please her.
The Doctor responded with "How's that my fault? I only removed his cataracts."
Teacher asks little Jonny "how long has your Dad been working at his company"
Little Jonny replies "ever since they threatened to fire him"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The bully loomed threateningly over the nerd and said, "You know what snitches get don't you?"
Ummm, "150 points?"
My landlord is threatening to kick me out because I haven't made a single rental payment in years.
She said, "Listen son, your 35. Don't you think you should get a place of your own?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a s**... harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?
The woman replies: It's Frank, the midget.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was kidnapped by a group of mimes
They threatened to do unspeakable things !
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman woke up in the middle of the night and found that her husband wasn't there beside her.
She went downstairs and found him sitting in the kitchen, drinking coffee and looking thoughtful.
"Honey, what's wrong?, she asked.
He replied, "Well do you remember when we were dating?"
"Yes"
"And do you remember the first time we had s**...?"
She smiled and answered, "Of course."
"And you remember how your Dad caught us."
She laughed and replied, "Oh god, yeah!"
"And since I was 18 and you were 17 how he threatened to send me to jail for twenty years if I didn't marry you?"
"Uh huh. What of it?", she asked.
He let out a sad sigh, "I would have gotten out today..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine
He inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a s**... harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?
The woman replies: It's Frank, the midget.
So I held a race between my farmhands. They ran equally fast, and demanded I determine the winner.
However, they both threatened to leave the farm if I declared the other the winner. I felt unable to make a decision. As a matter of fact, my hands were tied.
My son is doing a social experiment for school.
He plans on wearing an "I love Liberals" shirt out in public and will be recording the interactions with others. So far he has been cussed at, spit at, slapped, and even threatened. Im afraid what will happen when he actually leaves the house.
A robber enters a house and holds the wife at gunpoint and threatens the husband to hand over all the money and jewellery..
The husband sobs " Please take whatever you want, but leave her alone" .
Robber : " Wow you must really love your wife ".
Husband " Actually she is my neighbour's wife. Mine will come back from shopping any minute" .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Telephone at the hotel reception:
\- Hello, I'm calling from room 303. Could you please send someone from the service? I'm arguing with my wife and she threatened to jump out the window.
\- Sorry, this is your private problem.
\- Yeah, right, but the d**... window doesn't open, and that's your problem.
Jesus was really bad at threatening people...
He was quoted for saying "Nobody double crosses me". And look where that got him.
My wife told me to stop teasing our neighbor about his infertility after he threatened me with gun.
But I'm not scared because he's shooting blanks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I think the girl at the Airlines check-in just threatened me
She looked me dead in the eye and said, Window or
aisle?" I laughed in her face and replied, "Window or you'll
what?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Just a little update on the situation with my son because some of you have been fairly concerned.
He has taken going to jail pretty hard. He is refusing all food, spitting and screaming at everyone and is threatening violence at anyone who comes near him. He has smeared the walls with his s**... and is refusing to wear any clothes.
As a family we are united in our decision not to play Monopoly with him ever again.
When my wife threatened a divorce because of my obsession with the Shrek soundtrack, I thought she was joking.
But then I saw her face
How do you revive a homeless American from a heart attack?
You threaten to call an ambulance.
A group of dwarves get jobs as coal miners
After a week or so, one of the workers really stood out and was getting special treatment from the supervisor, Moe. The other dwarves complained to HR and threatened to go on strike.
The supervisor was called into the office and reprimanded. He explained that he was only trying to keep the hardest worker motivated and asked exactly what he supposed to do, to which the Human Resources manager replied, Treat him like any mini miner, Moe.
My wife minored in psychology. She's always using all her amateur psychology when we argue.
When I fired the pool boy, she said, "Well, you know, you're only firing him because he's so young and good looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you're projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive/aggressive way, because these feelings are just too traumatic for you to deal with."
I said, "Honey...we don't have a pool."
My girlfriend threatened to leave unless I stopped being delusional and admitted that I am not a Transformer
But I told her Babe, I can change!
