The Best 83 Thread Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Thread jokes. There are some thread cornea jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these thread repost puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Thread Jokes and Puns

I wanted to make a lame pun thread about fish.

But its not the right time or plaice.

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"

...and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week," said the divorce court judge.

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband replied, "and every now and then I'll try and send her a few bucks myself."

Dead Baby Jokes Thread!

I assume there's another one of these, but let's bring some freshness. I'll start us off.

Q: How do you get a baby to stop crawling in circles?
A: Nail its other hand to the floor.

Thread joke, Dead Baby Jokes Thread!

I need help remembering a joke please.

The "intellectual" joke thread got me thinking about a joke I heard years ago which made me laugh. It requires knowing two languages (Spanish and French I think), but if you get it it's pretty funny. It's something to do with asking a question and the reply meaning two different things in the different languages. I'm sorry that's really vague but it's been years since I heard it!

I missed yesterday's "most intellectual joke" thread, so I'll just leave this here instead.

Two economists are walking through town, when one of them stops suddenly and points to something thin and green on the sidewalk.

"Look there," he says to his companion. "Is that a $100 bill just lying there on the ground?"

"Impossible," the other replies. "If it was, someone would have picked it up by now."


Racist Jokes

Can we please start a thread of just racist jokes? Honestly the jokes here are really lacking we can combat that with crude racism.

Tell me a sick joke

Whatever type of 'sick' humor - gross, racist, etc. All is fair on this thread.

Thread joke, Tell me a sick joke

A man walks into a doctor's office with a very deep cut.

"I need to close up this wound, doc", says the man, "but I can't afford for you to do it, so can you just give me the needle and thread so I can do it myself?"

The doctor says; "sure, suture self"

Time for a , "How many ___ does it take to screw in lightbulb?", thread!

Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

The official bad Yakov Smirnoff punchline thread about the Sochi Olympics

You have been warned...

In Russia, yellow water is not dirty, it's colored that way by Russian government so we don't mistakenly drink water instead of vodka!

The most offensive jokes thread?

I'll start

What is the difference between chopping up a baby and an onion?
- chopping up an onion makes you cry.

You can explore thread downvote reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean thread jokers dad jokes. There are also thread puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A man took a woman out for dinner...

but she didn't speak a word of English. They were having a great time, though, feeding each other, flirting, touching and giggling. After the meal is over, the woman draws a picture of a bed on a napkin and gives a sly wink. The man still can't figure out how she knew he was in the furniture business.

The comments in another thread were slamming Readers Digest jokes, and that's where this one came from.

No joke will ever be too soon for Joan Rivers thread.

Joan Rivers died doing what she loved to do best. Surgery.

What is a joke that so stupid that is actually funny?

There was a thread months ago but i lost it...

Let's get a thread of jokes that are funny to hear, but don't work if you read them

I'll start:

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

fsh!

Intellectual Jokes as in: Yo mama so wide she didn't fit through the Thermopylae Pass

or she so fat she didn't fit through the last circle in Dante's Inferno.

Let's get this thread ballin'.

Thread joke, Intellectual Jokes as in: Yo mama so wide she didn't fit through the Thermopylae Pass

Original Pun Thread!

Rules: Give us the worst puns that YOU HAVE COME UP WITH YOURSELF. No reposts :)

I'll go ahead and post some of mine.

Alright guys lets make a thread about the sickest most twisted dark humour joke you've ever heard.

What's the difference between a small child and a bag of cocaine?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out of a window.

Best (worst) Wine and Chocolate Jokes Thread

Can we do this? My parents have these crappy wine / chocolate jokes on knick knacks around their house...

*i joined the 12-step program for chocoholics -- now I'm never 12 steps away from chocolate*

Nyuck nyuck nyuck. Hate you!

*i love cooking with wine.. sometimes i even put it in the food!*

Please be dead.

Let's hear your best (worst) wine and Chocolate jokes!


A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor...

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "make me one with everything".

Sorry if this is a repost. Saw it on an IMDb movie discussion thread a while back, thought it was pretty good

Patriotic Joke thread, Let's try Australia : - What do you call a Boomerang that does not come back?

A Stick.

Now give me your jokes from your country.

While scrolling the front page I saw the most annoying thread ever

It was coming out of the sweater I was wearing. That was my favorite sweater.

I bought pink cotton but my wife wanted purple

Sorry, wrong thread

Tragic sewing accident kills woman and three children...

Whoops, wrong thread.

Two hillbillies got married.

On their wedding night, the hillbilly groom admitted that he was a virgin and didn't really know what to do.

The hillbilly bride, who was much experienced, just giggled and said, "Silly, you just take that thing you play with and put it where I pee." So he got up, grabbed his banjo and threw it in the sink.

*Ahem, ahem* So...

♫ A needle pulling thread... ♫

What's the difference between ELI5 and AskScience?

About 3 replies in the top comment thread.

Reincarnation

I stole this from a comment thread in a local newspaper.
Here we go:

I was talking to my ex wife once about reincarnation.

She asked, "What actually is reincarnation?"

I said to her, "Well, it's when you die and come back as something completely different."

"So, I could come back as a pig?!" she exclaimed.

I said, "You're not listening are you...?"

Have you guys heard the joke about the airplane?

I'd tell it, but it'd go over your heads....
CORNY JOKES THREAD!
OP will deliver knee slappers and humdingers!

First person to comment on this thread is gau

Half the time, I just want to respond to an ELI5 thread with

"I'll tell you when you're older."

Funny Book Title Thread!

I'll start:

"How To Get The Most Out Of Your Bank Heists" by Fillmore Sacks

What's both blue and purple and never seen again?

This thread :/

What's a pirates favorite type of thread?

Yaaaaarn.

A solipsist posts on a forum

In his thread, he asks, "Anyone else out there a solipsist?"
After a day of no replies
He thinks to himself, "I guess it's just me!"

Why is santa's sack so big?

Because he only comes once a year.

Like most jokes on this thread this is stolen, not being a shitcunt and taking credit...

Coffee

Coffee: you haven't had enough until you can thread a sewing machine needle while it's running.

You're a narcissist.

A bet you thought this thread was about you.

Each comment thread is a joke, but each user may only post one word.

You may only comment one word, or reply with one word to another comment. Good luck!

Chemistry joke thread?

I'll start:
I was at -273.15°C one time. It was OK.
What do you do with a dead chemist? Barium

I'm sorry guys there really are no good chemistry jokes: all the good ones argon.

Halal in the streets but Haram in the sheets.

stole from a comment thread dont sue

Today i made a mistake while sewing.

Oops, wrong thread.

Serval Psychological Studies Show People are so Accustomed to Cat Humour on the Internet...

That They Completely Miss Cat Puns in Thread Titles.

I'm having a lot of difficulty with knitting

Oops, wrong thread.

There's a lot of lame holocaust jokes on this thread...

Anne frankly, I'm getting sick and tired of them.

Putin lands at Helsinki airport...

...and the immigration officer says "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin". "Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia". "Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".

Credit goes to a dude in the Finland thread. Made me laugh.

Everytime I see a live thread I think there is a disaster

I guess american politics counts

[Walks into a bar] A forgetful women of three children walks into a bar, intensely focused on knitting a sweater for her eldest...

Whoops, wrong thread.

People tell me that I'm a bad knitter

oops, wrong thread

My Grandma Discovered an online knitting forum

She was upset the other day, apparently she used the *wrong thread* and the Mods banned her.

I bought a new crucifix-stand for my church but accidentally got the wrong cloth pattern

Apologies, cross-post from a different thread.

I was supposed to knit blue mittens for the Children's Cancer Foundation, but I had accidentally knitted all red mittens...

Oops, wrong thread.

I kept pulling the string from my Christmas hat and now its half the size

Oops, wrong thread

Memo for our next sewing club meeting!

Oops wrong thread!

How does thread get to school?

A spool bus.

I asked why my stitches were unravelling but accidentally posted it to a gaming forum last night

Turns out it was the wrong thread

Radical Muslims

I'm really hoping this thread blows up now...

Why did the spider become a forum admin?

So he could make a sticky thread.

TIL that knitting ex champion Teresa Keller lost her title in 2011 just because she was kitting with a slightly different color.

Oops wrong thread.

Link to the ultimate guide for sewing and hemming clothing.

Sorry, wrong thread.

What is positive about beeing blonde?

You are allowed to park your car in the disabled spot

(Dont know if it have been done before, no energy to scroll through the endless thread)

Any help in making a gray t-shirt out of steel wool?

Sorry, wrong thread.

What's the robot version of just the tip?

Just the first thread.

I knitted a scarf after 4 days of blood sweat and tears out of floss only to find out it is just falling apart.

Sorry, wrong thread.

My jeans are blue but the string I bought is red...

Oops. Wrong thread...

A seamstress accidentally pulls a string and unravels her life's work...

Oops, wrong thread.

19 talked trash about 20 and they got into a fight

Although 19 was in its prime, 21, which was odd, and so they became even.

I saw a similar joke on this thread, just added some stuff to it.

I was reading a FB comment thread, and suddenly someone said "I DEMAND TO READ THE ANCIENT GREEK COMEDY 'THE FROGS.'"

I was like, well, that Aeschylated quickly.

Engineering Joke: What do you call a musical artist who screws up and fails due to stress?

Thread Shearin'

So I was watching The Phantom Thread

Nevermind, figured it out

Just wondering if anyone knows how to edit the thread title.

Mom: I don't think you know what it means to thread a needle through cloth.

Child: Yeah. Sew?

Why do the people of Pern make all their cloth out of yarn?

Because they're afraid of Thread!

I mentioned in another thread how I was about to post a joke to /jokes

one of the mods asked, is it a common repost?

I said, No. Is that still required?

What do you call all bed linens with a thread count of less than 800?

The cheap sheets.

You're hungry. In the fridge there is a bag of bread, jar of jam, a can of tuna, and some milk. To answer the riddle, what do you open first?

This thread!

I have an evil masterplan.

I'm going to drill a huge hole through the Moon and thread a massive piece of string through it.

Then I will finally be able to conker the World

How to sew...

>! THREAD !<

Look ma, no hands.

-Every Reddit thread

It's been alleged that I've written a series of tweets about the song I'm Too Sexy .

I'd like to reassure my followers that I did not write said thread...

According to my sewing instructor, I'm easily the worse student She's ever had..

Oops... sorry, wrong thread.

r/conservative is furious that their voices are being censored and that people are picking and choosing who can be heard

"This thread is for conservatives only"

Did you hear about the broke tailor?

He's hanging on by a thread..

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the thread punny jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working thread woven piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes