thread Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious thread puns

I'm having a lot of difficulty with knitting

Oops, wrong thread.

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I bought pink cotton but my wife wanted purple

Sorry, wrong thread

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"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"

...and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week," said the divorce court judge.

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband replied, "and every now and then I'll try and send her a few bucks myself."

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I kept pulling the string from my Christmas hat and now its half the size

Oops, wrong thread

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Putin lands at Helsinki airport...

...and the immigration officer says "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin". "Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia". "Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".

Credit goes to a dude in the Finland thread. Made me laugh.

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No joke will ever be too soon for Joan Rivers thread.

Joan Rivers died doing what she loved to do best. Surgery.

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What's both blue and purple and never seen again?

This thread :/

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Today i made a mistake while sewing.

Oops, wrong thread.

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Let's get a thread of jokes that are funny to hear, but don't work if you read them

I'll start:

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

fsh!

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Nevermind, figured it out

Just wondering if anyone knows how to edit the thread title.

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A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor...

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "make me one with everything".


Sorry if this is a repost. Saw it on an IMDb movie discussion thread a while back, thought it was pretty good

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A man walks into a doctor's office with a very deep cut.

"I need to close up this wound, doc", says the man, "but I can't afford for you to do it, so can you just give me the needle and thread so I can do it myself?"

The doctor says; "sure, suture self"

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A man took a woman out for dinner...

but she didn't speak a word of English. They were having a great time, though, feeding each other, flirting, touching and giggling. After the meal is over, the woman draws a picture of a bed on a napkin and gives a sly wink. The man still can't figure out how she knew he was in the furniture business.


The comments in another thread were slamming Readers Digest jokes, and that's where this one came from.

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Frank get's hit by a bus...

Frank get's hit by a bus. He goes to heaven and meets St. Peter at the gate. He says to Peter: 'I know I'm dead, but I want to see my wife and children one last time!' Peter says:'Okay, but I can't send you back as a human, you'll have to go back as a spider. Also you have to go down from right here at the gates of heaven by your own spun thread.' Because Frank really wanted to see his wife and children again he aggrees and is transformed in a spider. He start to spin his thread: 'HNNNGGGGGGG HGNGNNGNGGGGGGNGNGGGGGGG' pushing really hard to get down from heaven to earth. 'HNGGGGG HNGGGG HNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG HNGGGGGGGGGG' (Keep doing this till it get's really awkward when you tell the joke). He keeps pushing till he's almost down at earth. 'HNGGGGGGGGGHNGGGGG' Then suddenly his wife wakes him and says: 'FRANK! WHAT THE HELL! YOU'RE SHITTING ALL OVER THE BED!'

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My Grandma Discovered an online knitting forum

She was upset the other day, apparently she used the *wrong thread* and the Mods banned her.

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I wanted to make a lame pun thread about fish.

But its not the right time or plaice.

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People tell me that I'm a bad knitter

oops, wrong thread

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This got legs in a comment thread yesterday so thought I would share.

A man is fishing when he hears a voice. Fish over here. He looks down and sees a frog. Really fish over here. So he does and catches his limit. The man decides to take the frog home when it says a branch is gonna fall just as the man moves out of the way saving both their lives. Deciding the frog is lucky he takes it to vegas. Put it all on 00 on roulette. Doing so the man hits it for a million. So he rents the presidential suite and they bask in the hot tub for a while and lay on the bed. The man says wow, you've done so much for me I wish there was something I could do for you. The frog says kiss me so he soes and poof! The frog turns into a beautiful 17 year old girl and I swear to god that's how she got there your honor.

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Link to the ultimate guide for sewing and hemming clothing.

Sorry, wrong thread.

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KGB Joke, from old country

This was definitely a response to that thread about the passport staples

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Four men are staying in a hotel room. Three have opened a bottle of vodka and are getting pretty rowdy, while the fourth is trying to get some sleep. He leaves the room and asks the concierge for some tea for room 60, where they are staying. He returns to the room, leans into an ashtray and says "Comrade Major, more tea for room 60". A short while later, there is a knock at the door and tea is delivered. The other three men are visibly spooked and quiet down. The fourth man goes to sleep.

The next morning, the other three men are gone. He goes downstairs and asks the concierge where they went, He says "You don't need to know". The man asks, "But why was I left alone?". The concierge replies, "Comrade Major really liked that tea joke"

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I missed yesterday's "most intellectual joke" thread, so I'll just leave this here instead.

Two economists are walking through town, when one of them stops suddenly and points to something thin and green on the sidewalk.

"Look there," he says to his companion. "Is that a $100 bill just lying there on the ground?"

"Impossible," the other replies. "If it was, someone would have picked it up by now."

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Reincarnation

I stole this from a comment thread in a local newspaper.
Here we go:

I was talking to my ex wife once about reincarnation.

She asked, "What actually is reincarnation?"

I said to her, "Well, it's when you die and come back as something completely different."

"So, I could come back as a pig?!" she exclaimed.

I said, "You're not listening are you...?"

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I'm bad at sewing

Shit, wrong thread.

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Thread idea: Submit your non-US / Canadian / UK jokes and explain them.

My German friend told me this joke back in college (only makes sense if you're in Germany when you tell it).

>"Why did the Russian thief steal *two* cars?"

>"Because he had to drive back through Poland!"

(the racial stereotype being that Germans consider both Russians and Polish to be notorious crooks)

Anyways if you have some kind of racial / cultural joke that might be unfamiliar to english speakers, let's hear it! (and explain it for us if necessary)

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A seamstress accidentally pulls a string and unravels her life's work...

Oops, wrong thread.

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First person to comment on this thread is gau

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Stolen from the broken shower thread: hillbilly joke

Two hillbillies got married. On their wedding night, the hillbilly groom admitted that he was a virgin and didn't really know what to do.

The hillbilly bride, who was much experienced, just giggled and said, "Silly, you just take that thing you play with and put it where I pee." So he got up, grabbed his banjo and threw it in the sink.

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How about a blonde joke thread?

A red head, a brunette, and a blonde are stranded on an island, but can see the mainland off in the distance. Not feeling any sense of danger, the gang decides to race back home.

"How about this," suggests the brunette, "we'll all swim back, doing a breast stroke, and the last one to make it has to buy drinks for us all."

The red head and the brunette make it back in about an hour, but the blonde is nowhere to be found.

Two days later, the blonde shows up, wet and clearly exhausted.

"You guys were cheating! I saw you using your arms!"

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A blonde walks into a hardware store, buys a microwave, and leaves. The next day, she returns the microwave.

"I couldn't get the damn thing to change channels."

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Chemistry joke thread?

I'll start:
I was at -273.15°C one time. It was OK.
What do you do with a dead chemist? Barium

I'm sorry guys there really are no good chemistry jokes: all the good ones argon.

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I accidentally swallowed some thread a few days ago, and passed it out today.

I shit you knot.

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Mom: I don't think you know what it means to thread a needle through cloth.

Child: Yeah. Sew?

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I knitted a scarf after 4 days of blood sweat and tears out of floss only to find out it is just falling apart.

Sorry, wrong thread.

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The official bad Yakov Smirnoff punchline thread about the Sochi Olympics

You have been warned...

In Russia, yellow water is not dirty, it's colored that way by Russian government so we don't mistakenly drink water instead of vodka!

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19 talked trash about 20 and they got into a fight

Although 19 was in its prime, 21, which was odd, and so they became even.


I saw a similar joke on this thread, just added some stuff to it.

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A few Irish Jokes

With an Irish joke being posted earlier, I'll add a few of my Irish one liners.

What do you call the Irish man who hangs from the ceiling?

Shaun D'Leer


What do you call the Irish cowboy?

Rick O'Shea


What do you call the Irish Indian?

Tom O'Hawk

What do you call the Irish man who stays outside all night?

Patty O'Furniture

(this one is a repeat from the earlier thread)

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What are the most funny Thread jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Thread? Well, here are the best Thread dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Thread pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes