thousands Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious thousands stories

What are the best Thousands puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Thousands? Well here is a complete list of Thousands to have fun with:

Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

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The United States has such bad luck

It's almost as if it was build on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

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Short, but good nonetheless

Every "yo mamma" joke has been done thousands of different times, by thousands of different people.
Just like yo mamma.

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Seriously guys, every 'yo momma' joke has already been done thousands of times by thousands of people..

just like yo momma!

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A black dude walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.

The bar tender goes "Awesome, Where'd you get that?"


The parrot replies "Africa, there's thousands of them there."

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U.S. Navy Seals just freed thousands of ISIS sex slaves ...

All the goats have been moved to an undisclosed location and are awaiting to be reunited with their respective farmers.

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What do you call a book club that has been stuck on the same book for thousands of years?

Church.

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What do you call a man under a pile of leaves? - Russell. What do you call a man under a pile of leaves for thousands of years?

Pete.

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Two beggars are sitting in the Vatican...

There were two beggars sitting next to each other on the street in Vatican city, one had a large cross around his neck, the other had the star of David.It was a lovely day, the sun was shinning, there were thousands of people walking past the two beggars, but everyone was giving the man with the cross around his neck money, while the man with the star of David got nothing. One morning a high priest walked by the beggars and said the the beggar with the star of David " my friend, you are in Vatican city, all these people that pass you by will give to the man with the cross, they will never give money to a man with a star of David, in fact they will give to the man with the cross just to spite you... The beggar with the star of David, turned the the beggar with the cross and said " hey, Moshe, this schmuck is trying to teach the Cohen brothers about marketing"

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a teacher asks students

Teacher asks students to tell about their dreams, one of them raises his hands and says: 'my dream is to get 100 thousands dollars monthly like my father'.
teacher got shocked, 'does your father get 100 thousands dollars monthly?' teacher says.
student replies: 'no, my father dreams too'.

(sorry for my English)

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Three engineering students.

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

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A young man goes into a talent agency..

The talent agent asks him, "What's your talent son?"
The young man tells him, "I can do bird impressions sir!"
Unimpressed the talent agent scoffs and says "Fuck off mate, we get thousands like you, just get out."

So he flew out the window.

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US Forces have just liberated thousands of ISIS sex slaves...

All the goats and other livestock are being moved to an undisclosed location and are awaiting to be reunited with their farmers.

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So a biologist, engineer and physicist are called to help make a dairy farm more efficient...

The biologist tells the farmer that he should feed the cows certain hormones to make it lactate more. The farmer asked how much it'll cost and the biologist says it'll cost many thousands of dollars. The engineer proposes to make a better milking machine to get more milk per cow. The farmer asks how much it'll cost and the engineer says it'll cost many thousands of dollars. The farmer then asks the physicist how much his idea will cost. The physicist say "It'll cost nothing and can be implemented immediately!" The farmer was astonished and ask how this is possible. The physicist responds, "Now assume a spherical cow....."

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What begins with P and ends with E and has thousands of letters in it?

Post Office

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The mohel

After many years, a mohel had saved the foreskins from thousands of circumcisions and didn't know what to do with them so he brought them to his tailor. A couple weeks later, the tailor hands the mohel a wallet and the mohel, disappointed, says, "I give you thousands of foreskin and all you can make me is this wallet?!"
To which the tailor responds, " Yes, but rub it and it becomes a suitcase!"

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A woman arrives at the Pearly Gates...

...and meets Saint Peter. She says, "I was supposed to look up my husband when I got here."

Saint Peter asks, "What's his name?"

She answers, "Smith."

Saint Peter replies, "I've got hundreds of thousands of Smiths here, could you narrow it down a little?"

She responds, "His name is John Smith."

Saint Peter says, "I got thousands of John Smiths here, could you narrow it down a little?"

She answers, "He's got red hair."

He replies, "I have hundreds of red haired John Smiths here, could you narrow it down a little?"

She responds, "Well, he told me to always remain faithful to his memory, or else he'd roll over in his grave!"

Saint Peter says, "Oh, you mean Pinwheel Smith!"

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Frustration...

There was once a man who lived way out in the Sahara Desert, thousands of miles away from civilization, with only his faithfull camel and his tiny Oasis. One day the man got so frustrated that he decided that the time had come that he should fuck his camel. The camel, being a very tall creature, was out of the reach of the mans dick. So he decided to climb onto a dune and then do the camel. But every time his dick was ready, the camel would move and the man would fall. Discouraged, the man went back to his tent, only to hear the scream of a woman. He ran into the desert and saw a band of people readying themselves to rape the woman, he quickly pulled out his gun and fired a few shots into the air. This caused the band to get back into thier car and drive off. The man then went to the woman and asked if all was well.
She replied,"Oh, my hero, you saved me, I will do anything for you."
"GGGGREAT, the man replied,"will you please hold my camel a second"

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Who designed the human body?

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

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An old man is on his deathbed...

and his wife is sitting next to him in a chair, holding his hand. He seems to be fading fast, and with a great effort he grasps her hand. "My love, I must confess something..I've cheated on you with dozens...maybe thousands of women..."

She looks at him tearfully, wipes the tears from her eyes and says "shhh now my love..i know..now hush and let the poison work"

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Yo Momma jokes aren't funny...

They're all old and have already been done by thousands of people. Just like yo momma.

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A man heard a talk show was looking for people with unusual talents

When he showed up to audition for the segment the talk show host asked him what talent he was going to perform. The man explained "I imitate birds." The talk show host laughed, waving him away saying "thousands of people can imitate birds. We want something nobody has ever seen before." The man shrugged, flapped his arms, and flew away.

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Crows in Boston are dying

The city of Boston has a problem with crows. They are dying by the thousands and the roadways are littered with the carcasses. The problem is only getting worse. Massachusetts' Dept. of Environmental Protection just completed a study of the problem. The crows are being killed when they are struck by trucks, but they manage to avoid being hit by passenger cars. Since crows are scavengers they eat roadkill and are often in large groups on the roads. Being social animals, they are somewhat organized and one or two birds always serve as lookouts to warn the others of danger. The MDEP found that the problem is that although all the Bostonian crows can call out "cah!" none of them can call out "truck!"

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Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory?

Thousands of souls were lost

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Timonthy, the Computer Hacker

Timothy hacked an adult website to get content for free at the expense of a virus that was set loose to thousands of computers in the state. He lives over in Alabama, so I was unaffected.

Moral of the story? Timmy hacked porn, and I don't care.

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greeks

Thousands of years ago the Greeks invented sex, a few hundred years later, the French introduced it to women.

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There was a dwarf fortune-teller who was wanted by the police...

It appears he was guilty of fraud and scammed people out of thousands of dollars with false predictions. When the police put out the 'wanted' posters for him they just read as follows:

Small medium at large.

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What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for thousands of years?

Church.

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This one's mainly for Mexicans and Texans.

What did Daniel Boone say to Davey Crocket when thousands of Mexicans charged at them at the Alamo?



"Davey.... are we pouring concrete today??"

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I just watch a movie...

...where a man's wife is brutally murdered by a serial killer and his son is left physically disabled. In a twisted turn of events his son is kidnapped and he has to chase the kidnappers for thousands of miles with the help of a mentally disabled woman. MAN FINDING NEMO IS A GREAT MOVIE!

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Today an airplane crashed into a local cemetery

Detectives on scene say that thousands of bodies have been recovered.

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What is the difference between a politician and a sperm?

One in thousands has a chance to be a human being.

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Did you hear about the fire at the sprinkles factory?

Hundreds and thousands were reported missing.

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Thousands of bird droppings are found on a playground....

Police suspect fowl play.

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Understanding Engineers

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have
designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

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A Texan was talking to a rancher from Canada...

about the overseas market. The Texan was bragging about his huge herds and the vast amounts of money he was making shipping thousands of heads of cattle overseas every year to the Chinese market.

The Canadian, not wanting to be outdone, shot back, "Yeah? Well I ship that much cattle every month!"

The Texan looked at him for a moment, then smiled as he said, "Well, you got me there then. You clearly are the biggest bull shipper I ever met!"

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The NSA is bracing itself for what could be the single largest data leak in history. Rumors are circulating about the possibility of thousands of whistleblowers stepping forward in unison across the Northeast in the next few days.

CNN reports, "This time tomorrow, there will be thousands of Edward's snowed in."

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How is Michael Jackson like the thousands of people outside times square on new years?

Once the balls drop, They're no longer interested!

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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands...

Police say that he topped himself.

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Lawyer Joke

* A lawyer is meeting with his client after a negotiation fell through. The lawyer says "so I've got some good news and some bad news. Which do you want to hear first?
*The client says "I guess good news first."
*The lawyer responded "the negotiations fell through and we need to go to trial. This'll probably take years and cost you thousands in attorney's fees."
*"So wait, what's the good news."
*"Wait, did I say there was bad news?"

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I know how to annoy thousands of people on the internet at once

by reposting this joke

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Old people smell weird because

They are surrounded by hundreds upon thousands of skin cells that have fallen off of their bodies over the years.

Dead...

Like all of their friends...

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Why I am not a Scientologist

Scientology, in a nutshell, says you are infested with tiny alien souls that need to be plucked out one by one through meditation and giving Tom Cruise hundreds of thousands of dollars.

I don't think I could ever be a Scientologist because if I really wanted to help people get little souls out of their bodies, I would just open up an abortion clinic.

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Dinosaur Jokes anyone?

When the dinosaur scientists discovered the meteor that would destroy all of dinosaur kind, what did the dinosaur priests call the event for which they had been prophesying for thousands of years?

The Veloci-rapture

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An auditor was examining the balance sheet of a mining company...

An auditor was examining the balance sheet of a mining company that had just bought a sheep station in the Pilbara area of Western Australia. The reason for the purchase was partly for the thousands of acres that the station covered and partly for the thousands of sheep that ranged over those thousands of acres. The auditor, being very diligent, noted that the value of the sheep formed a significant asset and, like all good auditors, knew that he would have to verify that asset. He chartered an aircraft and flew up to the station. The manager was at the airstrip to meet him. "Hello," he said. "I'm the auditor. I've come to count the sheep."


*I don't understand this joke at all and am hoping someone can explain it to me :(

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Once in a village, a Goldman Sachs manager...

announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs 10. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at Rs 10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He further announced that he would now buy at Rs 20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to Rs 25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs 50!

However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at Rs 35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell it to him for Rs 50."

The villagers squeezed up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Welcome to 'Goldman Sachs'!

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Why doesn't America send in troops to liberate the sex slaves being held by ISIS?

That's because America see's no need in liberating thousands of goats and other livestock from terrorists.

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It's five years today since the worst road accident of the decade; the devastating M-25 ice-cream van pile up of 2011.

Today we mourn the losses of hundreds and thousands.

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Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villager that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villager that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers; "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

They never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the cryptocurrency market works.

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Three guys die and go to heaven.

Three guys die and go to heaven. As they approach the gates of heaven, the dude at the entrance tells them they must complete a task before being allowed to enter heaven. The task is to collect as many ping pong balls as they can. First guy come back with hundreds and thousands of ping pong balls, he's allowed to enter. Second guy comes back with millions of balls, again, allowed to enter. Third guy comes back with two giant, hairy, and sweety balls. Dude at the entrance says, PING PONG BALLS NOT KING KONG BALLS!

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CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best thousands jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty thousands gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these thousands jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

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