The Best 83 Thousand Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Thousand jokes. There are some thousand twentyone jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these thousand hundred puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Thousand Jokes and Puns

Quitting drugs is easy...

I've done it like a thousand times.

Socrates' Beloved

Socrates beloved dog died. He went to his Greek priest and asked if he could arrange a regular church service for his dearly departed. The priest was outraged and berated the parishioner for suggesting his dog receive holy services. Dismayed, Socrates turned away mumbling, 'Now what am I to do with the five thousand Euros we saved for the serviced?' 'Good Lord, my son, come back; why didn't you say he was Orthodox?'

A little help with your math

A businessman is getting a 17% discount on an order worth $20,000.00, but can't figure out the total in his head. He asks his secretary, "Betty, if I were to give you twenty thousand dollars with a 17% discount, how much would you take off?" She thinks for a minute, then says, "Everything except my earrings."

Thousand joke, A little help with your math

Tom had been a compulsive worrier for years...

...until he found a way to overcome this problem.

His friends noticed the dramatic change.

"You don't seem to be worried about anything anymore."

"I hired a professional worrier for $1000.00 a week, Tom replied.

'I haven't had a single problem since."

"A thousand a week," said Doug. "You can't afford that, how are you going to pay him?"

"Tom replied, "That's his problem."

Mild Racism - NSFW

What do you call one white guy surrounded by 5 black guys - Coach

What do you call one white guy surrounded by 10 black guys - Quarterback

What do you call one white guy surrounded by a thousand black guys - Warden


Overcrowded church

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were only three people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."

For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid.

Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.

Thousand joke, For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid.

The dog is dead.

My dog wanted to go out and do his business, but I didn't have time to walk him. So I let him out to run around on his own. A few minutes later I heard screeching tires and a thud. I ran to the window and yelled "NO!". A thousand times I had told that dog not to drive my car. I'm going to kill him.

Edit-spelling.

Hearing aid

An older woman is talking to her neighbor one day about her brand new hearing aid. "It may have cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art, everything sounds great, and so far, I love it!"

Her neighbor asks, "What kind is it?"

She replies, "It's about 12:30. You wanna get some lunch?"

A blind man walks into a bar...

and orders his drink. While he's waiting he asks: "Hey! Do you want to hear a blonde joke?". The woman next to him answers: " I'm blond and had the worst day ever. The bartender is a blonde and has plenty of brawn and next to you sits also a blond biker. Do you really want to tell this joke?" The blind man says: "No, not any more. I don't want to explain the joke a thousand times."

fluctuations

This asian lady goes to a bank to exchange her currency into dollars. For 1000 yuans she gets about 160$.

A week later she walks in with a thousand more and this time she only gets 150.

Confused, she asks the teller " Why 10$ less this time?"

Teller says "fluctuations"

She turns to leave and says " Fluc you americans too..."

You can explore thousand mockingbirds reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean thousand seventy dad jokes. There are also thousand puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


How do you kill a thousand flies...

Slap a Kenyan in the face.

Just heard it from a coworker...thought I share.

How do Chernobyl kids count to one thousand?

With their fingers

My priest told a joke during his homily today.

A man says to God, "God, how long is a thousand years to you?"

God says, "A thousand years to me is like a second to you."

"Oh. God, how much is a million dollars to you?"

"A million dollars to me is like a penny to you."

"Oh. God, can I have one of your pennies?"

"Sure thing. Just hold on a second."

For school I had to write a thousand word essay

So I drew a picture

There was a Jewish businessman

There was a Jewish businessman who was almost late at an important business meeting where punctuality was highly priced. But there were no empty parking spots around and the time was running. He looked to the sky and prayed: "Dear God, give me a parking spot now and I will donate 100 thousand to the synagogue!" Suddenly, a car left exactly in front of him. Relieved, the guy looked again at the sky and said: "It's okay, forget it, I got one."

Thousand joke, There was a Jewish businessman

The great thing about Joan Rivers is

No matter who digs her up in a thousand years time, she'll always look surprised to see them.

How do you say goodbye to a thousand Japanese people?

A big wave

Fool me once...

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me thirty five thousand six hundred times, shame on the weatherman.


As I lay in my new girlfriend's bed...

As I lay in my new girlfriend's bed, I noticed four lines carved into the headboard.

"Is that how many men you've slept with?", I asked.

"Yes", she replied, "One thousand, one hundred and eleven."

How do you make a tiramisu?

With a thousand Gigamisous

What's the difference between rock and jazz?

Rock is playing three chords for a thousand people. Jazz is playing a thousand chords for three people.

Christians always go on about the time Jesus fed five thousand people with five loaves and two fishes...

What about Hitler? He made 6 million jews toast.

What's the difference between a shooting range and an American college?

About thirty thousand dollars a year.

Two terrorists having discussion in a bar...

The waiter asks them what the discussion was about?

Terrorist :- We are planning to kill 14 thousand people and a donkey..

Waiter :- Why a donkey?

Then one terrorist says to the other,
"See I told you nobody will care about the 14 thousand people

A Frenchman, a Jew and a Polack

A Frenchman, a Jew and a Polack are each sentenced to thirty years in prison. Each man is given one request that will be honored by the jail warden.

A woman, asks the Frenchman.

A telephone, says the Jew.

A cigarette, says the Polack.

Thirty years later the Frenchman walks out with the woman and ten kids.

The Jew strolls out carrying a ten thousand dollar commission he has made during the time.

The Polack walks out and says, Has anyone got a match?

An elderly wife is on her death bed and calls her husband...

An elderly wife is on her death bed and calls her husband to lean in, and whispers, "I'm sorry, forgive me..
in the chest in the attic is one million two hundred thousand dollars and five cents.. I earned it hooking, while you were busy working your entire life."

The husband is mad, but forgives her, and asks, "but which cheapskate gave you the nickel?"

She replies, "They all did."

Credit goes to u/umm_umm_

There's this band called one thousand and twenty three megabytes

They haven't had any gigs yet.

A man has a conversation with God

Man: How much is a minute to you?

God: A thousand years

Man: Wow really? Ok then how much is 10 million dollars to you?

God: A penny

Man: Wow that's amazing, is it ok if I can have one of your pennies?

God: Sure thing, just give me a minute

An old Australian is talking about fighting in the boer wars to a man.

He says "One day we got into a fight twenty thousand, to one."

The man asks "What did you do?"

The old Australian replies "We killed him of course.".

How heavy is a hipster?

One thousand instagrams

"Am I mentioned in the will?" the nephew asked anxiously.

"You certainly are" , replied the lawyer.

Right here in the third paragraph your uncle says:
To my niece Sarah I bequeath a hundred thousand dollars,
to my cousin Janice fifty thousand dollars,
and to my nephew Charles, who was always curious to know if he was mentioned in my will, I say "Hi, Charles"

Mr. Smith is on vacation with his wife and mother-in-law in Jerusalem

One day, his mother-in-law dies quite suddenly. An undertaker proposes to bury the deceased there in Jerusalem.

'No, thank you,' says Mr. Smith. 'I'd rather have the body shipped back to New York.'

'But why not?' asks the undertaker. 'Shipping a body is expensive, and I could organise a beautiful ceremony here...'

'Look, sir! We're talking about my mother-in-law... Two thousand years ago, they buried a young man here who was resurrected three days later; I'm not taking any chances!'

People think Jesus was so great...

But all he did was give fish to a thousand people.

 

You forget that Hitler made 6 million people toast.

Interviewer: You said you are quick in mathematics, could you tell me what is a two hundred and fifty times eighty whole divided by sixty nine?

Man: Six thousand eight hundred and fourty five.

Interviewer: Hm... that's not the right answer...

Man: But i'm quick.

How does a blonde count a thousand sheep?

She counts the legs, and divides by 4.

A thousand years is a minute to God

A man was speaking to God and he asked him, "God is it true that to you a thousand years is a minute?"
"That's true," God replied.
"And is it true that to you $1,000,000 is like a penny?"
"That's true," God said.
"Well, you see I'm a poor man and I was wondering if you could give me a penny," asked the man.
"Sure," said God, "in a minute."

"Awww... your baby is cute!"

...I said to a woman with a stroller one day.
"How old is he?" I asked.

"Well, my friend, little Johnny here is 18 months old!" she replied, motioning to her baby. "Also, I'm sorry to bother you, but what time is it?"

"Sure. It's eighty-three thousand, four hundred thirty-two seconds past midnight."

Over 600 thousand watches are thrown away each year

I guess you could call it a waste of time.

I can sum up 2016 in four words

Two thousand and sixteen

A beautiful blonde walks up to a craps table...

She bets ten thousand on one roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel luckier when I'm nude."

She strips down and rolls the dice. When she sees the dice she jumps for joy screaming "I won! I won!" She hugs the dealers, takes her winnings and leaves.

Finally, one of the dealers asks, "What did she roll?" The other says, "I thought you were watching!"

It goes to show: Not all blondes are dumb, but men will always be men.

Breaking News: A movie theatre has just been robbed of over two thousand dollars

The theives took a large soda and two bags of popcorn

What's the difference between a cow and the crucifixion?

You can't milk a cow for two thousand years...

During the Vietnam war, if you reported one communist...

You would win one thousand dollars.
If you reported 2 communists, you would win 2 thousands dollars.
If you reported 3 communists, you would go to jail because you knew too many communists.

"I work in a thousand story building"

Said the librarian

I was talking to my wife...

She asked me: how do I look?
I said: a thousand times prettier than last time
Really?
Unfortunately, 1000 times 0 is still 0

A son asks his dad what is the difference between practical and theoretical

The tells the son to bring his sister. He then tells her: 'For $1000, would you sleep with your brother?' 'For a thousand, yes!' She answers. The dad then tells the sob to bring his mother. He tells her: 'For $1000, would you sleep with your son?' 'Foe a thousand, yes!' She replies. The dad then tells his son: 'You see, theoretically, we have $2000, practically, we have two whores!'

Grandma and the Bird

I said, "Grandma, how do you like the bird I sent?"
She said, "It was delicious."
I said, "You ate it?! That was a two thousand dollar talking bird!" She said, "Well, he should have said something."

I bumped into the governor when I visited the capitol

I said "Pardon me" then he quickly turned around and said "That will be five thousand dollars."

Right before colliding with an iceberg...

The captain of the Titanic got ready to make an announcement:
"Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Fun fact, this ship weighs about 52 thousand kilograms. I'm gonna let that sink in..."

There was a fire at the plant where they make Nike Jordans.

Over a thousand soles were lost.

Why is obesity not a problem in Japan?

Because the last time they had a fat man there. Several thousand people died.

My girlfriend says she wants to see other people

I told her a thousand times it's not my fault she's blind

Germany sets a new record in the world cups.

They arrive in Moscow with ten thousand men. 40 km further than the old record in 1942.

Quitting cigarettes is super easy.

I've done it a thousand times.

How many North Koreans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A hundred thousand. One to screw in the lightbulb, and the rest for holding the parade.

Imagine how someone from a thousand years ago would respond if you told them that in the future there will be giant metal birds that fly people around the world?

Don't you mean across?

A Guy walks in an Irish Pub

I guy on vacation in Ireland walks into a pub and says
"I hear you Irish can drink, I'll give a thousand bucks
to the guy who can drink 10 pints of Guinness in under 5 minutes"
Everyone is quiet but one of the Irishmen gets up and leaves.
In a few minutes the Irishmen walks back in and says
"Line me up 10 pints of Guinness" and he drinks them in 4 minutes flat.
As the guy is paying him the $1000 he asks the Irishmen
"If ya dont mind me askin, when you left earlier, where'd ya go"
The Irishmen says "I had to go to the pub next door
cuz I wanted to make sure I could do it"

America has been having so many problems

You would think it was built on a thousand Indian Burial Grounds

Thousands of crates of moisturizer were reported stolen today

... Police looking for a smooth criminal

TIL: A thousand years ago, a group of Native Americans tried to cross into Russia from Alaska but failed.

They couldn't get their Bering Strait.

How do you say good bye to two hundred thousand Indonesians?

A big wave.

What do you call a thousand dollar door?

A grand entrance.

A business owner is interviewing an attractive young lady...

A business owner is interviewing to hire a bookkeeper, and in walks an attractive young lady. To make sure that she understands money and math, he asks her "If I were to give you ten thousand dollars, minus 15%, how much would you take off?"



She thinks a moment and answers "Everything but my earrings!"

What does BOAT stand for joke

Bankruptcy On A Trailer.
Break Out Another Thousand.
Blow Out Another Thousand.
Bring Over Another Thousand.

Jesus and Buddha are sitting in Heaven.

Buddha: "I should've made one of those rules where people aren't allowed to depict me."

Jesus: "Why?"

Buddha: "They keep making me look fat!"

Jesus: "Tell me about it. I've been a blond white guy for two thousand years!"

Do you know what we would call 'COVID-19' if the first ten thousand people killed were politicians?

A good start.

My sister bet me a thousand dollars that I could not build a car out of noodles.

You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!

Why did the Dragonborn climb the seven thousand steps?

He wanted to know what all the Fus was about !!

A thousand bees walk into a bar.

A few minutes later, A and C walk in as well.

So I'm sitting in a bar and a gorgeous, very shapely woman sits down next to me and we exchange a few words.

So I ask her if she would sleep with me for $1 Million Dollars. And she says "Hell yes!".
So I ask her "How about $500 thousand dollars?" And she thinks for a minute and says "Sure, why not?"
So I said "How about for $50?"
She says "What the hell do you think I am?"
I said "I thought we had already established what you are, we are just haggling over the price.

Remember men, no means no, but one thousand no's and one yes

is YouTube Premium's entire marketing scheme.

I can't listen to brazilian jazz.

Maybe a hundred jazz, or a thousand, but brazilian jazz? That's just way too much jazz.

A few years back there was a spike of interest in games that were played with a racket and a ball. I don't recall exactly what year...

...but it was around two thousand and tennish

For my chemistry homework, I was supposed to write a thousand words on acid.

I tried, but my pen turned into a rainbow-coloured giraffe and then the desk melted.

The world's oldest recorded joke in history.

I'm a long-time fan of this sub-reddit and frequent up-voter, but I seldomly have anything funny to post, so here is the oldest joke in recorded history, dating back to 1900 BC (almost 4 thousand years ago from ancient Sumeria):

Q: What is something that has never before occurred since time immemorial?

A: A woman not farting in her husband's lap.

TIL that Jules Verne did not write Twenty Thousand Leagues under the Sea

He wrote at a desk like a sensible person would.

Three rich guys bury a friend

First throws a thousand bucks into the coffin, saying "I want you to never need anything in the next life".

Second one, richer than the first, throws 5000 behind it.

All look to the third who is even richer than the other two. He writes a check over 100 grand, throws it in the coffin and remarks "Cash it if you need any".

As I lay in my new girlfriend's bed, I noticed four lines carved into the headboard.

Is that how many men you've slept with? , I asked.

Yes , she replied, One thousand, one hundred and eleven.

The bidding was proceeding furiously when the Head Auctioneer suddenly announced, A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing ten thousand dollars.

If returned, he has agreed to pay a reward of two thousand dollars!

There was a moment's silence in the auction house and from the back of the room came a shout, Two thousand five hundred!

What do you get when a few thousand terrorists take over the Capitol?

Excuse me, they are called protesters.

A dear friend of mine passed away this week. This was one of his jokes: What do you call half of a thousand native American insomniacs?

The Indian nap-less 500.

If the Nazis had won WWII and set up the Thousand Year Reich, what would they have called their leader?

*The Kaiser Permanente*

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the thousand fifty jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working thousand twenty piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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