Thousand Jokes
118 thousand jokes and hilarious thousand puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about thousand that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article is about the hidden humour in everyday life and features one thousand jokes. It discusses 30 hive-mockingbird jokes and explores the topics of comedy, wit, and wisdom in modern day life. Learn to identify and appreciate the humour in everyday life with this article!
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Funniest Thousand Short Jokes
Short thousand jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The thousand humour may include short hundred jokes also.
- Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can't be with them this holiday season... ... Please don't be jealous
- If you ever feel useless...
Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, Trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with...
the Taliban - A dear friend of mine passed away this week. This was one of his jokes: What do you call half of a thousand native American insomniacs? The Indian nap-less 500.
- Did you hear the department of transportation is laying off thousands of workers? They invented a shovel that stands up by itself.
- Not vaccinating your child is like owning a PT Cruiser You're spending thousands a year on something that'll probably be dead in less than five.
- Why was Portugal the best colonial power? Spain had thousands of colonists, Britain had millions, but Portugal had BRAZILIANS.
- Obesity kills thousands of times more Americans than shooting does, which teaches us an important lesson: Shooters do poorly given the size of their targets.
- What do you call a man under a pile of leaves? - Russell. What do you call a man under a pile of leaves for thousands of years? Pete.
- With all these natural disasters happening, Its almost as if the USA was built over thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
- Psychic: I'm sorry to say that you are going to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on your education. Man: How do you know this?
Psychic: Mostly in tuition.
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Thousand One Liners
Which thousand one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with thousand? I can suggest the ones about countless and numerous.
- I can sum up 2016 in four words Two thousand and sixteen
- How heavy is a hipster? One thousand instagrams
- Never feel worthless! Your organs are worth thousands.
- For school I had to write a thousand word essay So I drew a picture
- How do you make a tiramisu? With a thousand Gigamisous
- Trump recommends injections with disinfectant to save thousands True if he does it first.
- What kills thousands of smokers a year? Natural Causes
- "I work in a thousand story building" Said the librarian
- What did Stalin say to all the thousands of people he killed? Crimea river
- How does a blonde count a thousand sheep? She counts the legs, and divides by 4.
- Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory? Thousands of souls were lost
- A thousand bees walk into a bar. A few minutes later, A and C walk in as well.
- A thousand millibar go into a bar... ...
- Today I received a few thousand letters I'm never ordering a dictionary from IKEA again.
- Authorities discover that Tom Hanks has killed thousands of people with kindness
One Thousand Jokes
Here is a list of funny one thousand jokes and even better one thousand puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Remember men, no means no, but one thousand no's and one yes is YouTube Premium's entire marketing scheme.
- A woman walked into a bank and took off her top and pulled out a gun she stole thousands, shame no one could remember her face.
- As I lay in my new girlfriend's bed, I noticed four lines carved into the headboard. Is that how many men you've slept with? , I asked.
Yes , she replied, One thousand, one hundred and eleven. - What's the difference between COVID-19 and Donald Trump? One is a ruthless force hellbent on killing hundreds of thousands, and the other is a virus.
- Funny how when other people repost a joke, they get thousands of upvotes, but when I repost one... It's this one
- The saying goes that the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. This must be very frustrating for a fish.
- A little girl runs to her mum "Mummy, I just saw a rat as big as an elephant!".
Her mum starts shouting angrily at her: "I told you one hundred thousands billions times not to exaggerate things!" - A White House aide tells Donald Trump that one hundred people will attend his next event. "A hundred thousand people?" Trump asks, "Do we even have enough room for 1.5 million people?"
- This one simple trick will earn you THOUSANDS in WEEKS! Get a job.
- A cargo ship carrying a shipment of mannequins sunk to the ocean floor It was one thousand legs under the sea.
Ten Thousand Jokes
Here is a list of funny ten thousand jokes and even better ten thousand puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Do you know what we would call 'COVID-19' if the first ten thousand people killed were politicians? A good start.
- The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, We want ten thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."
- Germany sets a new record in the world cups. They arrive in Moscow with ten thousand men. 40 km further than the old record in 1942.
- A gospel choir leader with a lisp embezzled tens of thousands of dollars from his church. But eventually he got caught and had to faith the music.
- According to finnish sources there are tens of thousands of Russian soldiers at their border. The only issue is that they're buried six feet deep.
- The Romans executed tens of thousands by crucifixion, and... you're just gonna assume the guy on my necklace is Jesus?
- My mom said if I get ten thousand upvotes she will tuck me in Come on. She really wants a daughter.
- The recession really has hit hard. Hundreds and thousands are now known as "ones and tens".
- Two bicyclists collided in India... Ten thousand people died.
- There's a building in Beijing with ten thousand shops in it. The Great Mall of China.
Quirky and Hilarious Thousand Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.
What funny jokes about thousand you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean dozen jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make thousand pranks.
Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.
One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.
A large group of Russian soldiers...
A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill: "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian". The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russians."
Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians!"
The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence.
Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander,
"Don't send any more men......it's a trap. There are two of them."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men die, and go to the pearly gates...
St. Peter walks up to the firsts, and he says: "You have lived a good life, but you have cheated on your wife many times. Confess here before your friends, and you will be allowed into heaven."
The man says: "I slept with a different woman every week of my ten-year marriage. I beg for forgiveness."
St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a bicycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin.
The second man says:"I was married for five years, and I slept with a different woman as a lover each year. I beg for forgiveness."
St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a motorcycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin.
The third man says: "I was married for a month, and stayed faithful throughout. Then my wife died, so I committed s**... so I may be with her."
St. Peter tells him: "I know. Follow me." He then leads him to a helicopter, and tells him to enjoy the ride. The man soon enough passes the other two men, who see him land a short distance away. They eventually catch up to him, and see he is crying.
The first two men ask him: "Why are you crying? You have no sins to atone for!"
The third says: "I just saw my wife... She was skateboarding."
Tom had been a compulsive worrier for years...
...until he found a way to overcome this problem.
His friends noticed the dramatic change.
"You don't seem to be worried about anything anymore."
"I hired a professional worrier for $1000.00 a week, Tom replied.
'I haven't had a single problem since."
"A thousand a week," said Doug. "You can't afford that, how are you going to pay him?"
"Tom replied, "That's his problem."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wishes
A woman was walking on the beach when she spotted a lamp almost buried in the sand. She picked it up, dusted it off, and to her surprise a genie popped out.
"Thank you for releasing me from my thousand-year imprisonment! I will grant you the traditional three wishes as a reward. And since you are married, your husband will get double of whatever you wish for."
"But I hate my husband," the woman protested. "He cheated on me and spent all our money -- I've already filed for divorce."
The genie shrugged and told her it was genie law. "OK, whatever," she said, "Give me a hundred million dollars." *p**...!* There were stacks and stacks of newly minted $100 bills piled in front of her. "So, does that mean my husband has *two* hundred million now?"
"Yep," the genie said.
"OK... for my second wish, I want a 100,000 square foot mansion." *p**...!* There was a huge mansion right up on the bluff, and the deed was in her pocket. "So, does that mean my husband gets *two* mansions?"
"Yes indeed. Now, what would you like for your final wish?"
She thought about it for a minute, then snapped her fingers and said, "Genie -- scare me half to death!"
Overcrowded church
The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
After a few moments, there were only three people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."
A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job...
...advertised in the Manchester Evening News. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch. "I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"How do you mean?" says the accountant. "I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters."
"OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?"
"You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner.
"Seventy-five thousand pounds. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?"
"That," says the man, "is your first worry."
My priest told a joke during his homily today.
A man says to God, "God, how long is a thousand years to you?"
God says, "A thousand years to me is like a second to you."
"Oh. God, how much is a million dollars to you?"
"A million dollars to me is like a penny to you."
"Oh. God, can I have one of your pennies?"
"Sure thing. Just hold on a second."
Charlie the Street Car Conductor
Long joke that is passed down in my family
So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the friendliest street conductor that the city has ever seen. Not only did he never complain about his job, but also he greeted everyone who boarded his street car and treated them like family. Everything in his life was perfect for Charlie until one day he decided to operate the street car after having a few drinks. In his drunken state, he crashed the streetcar and killed all the passengers. After going to court Charlie was sentences to death by the eletric chair. When the day came for his execution, a gaurd visited Charlie's cell and asked him what he wanted for his final meal. Charlie replied, "I want a rotten tomato and a raw fish." After Charlie finished his meal he headed into the execution room and sat down in the eletric chair. The warden gave the order to pull the switch and the room went dark as thousands of volts passed through Charlies body. After the switch was thrown back it came as a suprise that Charlie was in fact still alive. Having no idea what else to do the warden let Charlie out of jail but banned him from ever operating a streetcar in New Orleans. Since street cars were his life Charlie decided "Hey I'll go to Japan, I hear they have fancy new street cars there." In Japan Charlie gets a job as a conductor again, but as before decides that after having a few drinks that he is still able to work the street car. To no suprise Charlie crashes the stree car and kills all the passengers. Charlie again finds himself in jail ordering his last meal. "A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. After the meal was eaten, Charlie was led to the chair and once again survives the eletricity. Because he wasn't dying, he was set free but banned from operating the street cars in Japan. Charlie thought to himself, "Well I heard San Francisco still has street cars operating so I'll go there." As you can guess Charlie ends up in the same situation and again orders the same meal " A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. The warden from San Francisco had heard of Charlie and his previous death sentences so before he brought Charlie in to be executed he sent a letter to the mayor asking to reroute the city's eletricity to the jail. The mayor approved and confident with his new found power the warden smiled and gave the order to pull the switch. The lights in the room burst from the overload and the smell of something burning overwelmed the air. The warden after a minute ordered the gaurd to shut off the chair and as the smoke cleared, there was Charlie same as always. Distraught with emotion, the warden told Charlie to get out of his sights. Charlie, tired of going to jail, finally decided that maybe he shouldn't be a street car conductor after all. So Charlie travels back to New Orleans and meets his friend Thibodaux at a bar. Thibodaux after a few minutes of small talk tells Charlie "Everyone has heard about the eletric chair incidents and I just gotta axe, how were you able to survive all them jolts of electricity through your body? Was there something you did that made you resistant to it?" Charlie looks at Thibodaux and says "I dunno, I guess I was just a bad conductor."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So the Bears were looking for a new quarterback.
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get r**...!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!
There was a Jewish businessman
There was a Jewish businessman who was almost late at an important business meeting where punctuality was highly priced. But there were no empty parking spots around and the time was running. He looked to the sky and prayed: "Dear God, give me a parking spot now and I will donate 100 thousand to the synagogue!" Suddenly, a car left exactly in front of him. Relieved, the guy looked again at the sky and said: "It's okay, forget it, I got one."
A man heard a talk show was looking for people with unusual talents
When he showed up to audition for the segment the talk show host asked him what talent he was going to perform. The man explained "I imitate birds." The talk show host laughed, waving him away saying "thousands of people can imitate birds. We want something nobody has ever seen before." The man shrugged, flapped his arms, and flew away.
a teacher asks students
Teacher asks students to tell about their dreams, one of them raises his hands and says: 'my dream is to get 100 thousands dollars monthly like my father'.
teacher got shocked, 'does your father get 100 thousands dollars monthly?' teacher says.
student replies: 'no, my father dreams too'.
(sorry for my English)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
U.S. Navy Seals just freed thousands of ISIS s**... slaves ...
All the goats have been moved to an undisclosed location and are awaiting to be reunited with their respective farmers.
The Priest and the Politician
A priest and a politician arrived at Heaven's gate one day together. And St. Peter, after doing all the necessary formalities, took them to show them where their quarters would be.
First, he took them to a small, single room with a bed, a chair, and a table and said this was for the priest. And the politician was a little worried about what might be in store for him. And he couldn't believe it then when St. Peter stopped in front of a beautiful mansion with lovely grounds, many servants, and told him that these would be his quarters.
And he couldn't help but ask, he said, "But wait, how—there's something wrong—how do I get this mansion while that good and holy man only gets a single room?" And St. Peter said, "You have to understand how things are up here. We've got thousands upon thousands of priests. You're the first politician who ever made it.
Fool me once...
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me thirty five thousand six hundred times, shame on the weatherman.
As I lay in my new girlfriend's bed...
As I lay in my new girlfriend's bed, I noticed four lines carved into the headboard.
"Is that how many men you've slept with?", I asked.
"Yes", she replied, "One thousand, one hundred and eleven."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The inventor of the air conditioner has died
Thousands of fans are attending his f**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The US is having so many disasters and tragedies
Youd almost think it was built on top of thousands of ancient indian burial grounds.
What's the difference between a shooting range and an American college?
About thirty thousand dollars a year.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Frenchman, a Jew and a p**...
A Frenchman, a Jew and a p**... are each sentenced to thirty years in prison. Each man is given one request that will be honored by the jail warden.
A woman, asks the Frenchman.
A telephone, says the Jew.
A cigarette, says the p**....
Thirty years later the Frenchman walks out with the woman and ten kids.
The Jew strolls out carrying a ten thousand dollar commission he has made during the time.
The p**... walks out and says, Has anyone got a match?
An elderly wife is on her death bed and calls her husband...
An elderly wife is on her death bed and calls her husband to lean in, and whispers, "I'm sorry, forgive me..
in the chest in the attic is one million two hundred thousand dollars and five cents.. I earned it hooking, while you were busy working your entire life."
The husband is mad, but forgives her, and asks, "but which cheapskate gave you the nickel?"
She replies, "They all did."
Credit goes to u/umm_umm_
"Am I mentioned in the will?" the nephew asked anxiously.
"You certainly are" , replied the lawyer.
Right here in the third paragraph your uncle says:
To my niece Sarah I bequeath a hundred thousand dollars,
to my cousin Janice fifty thousand dollars,
and to my nephew Charles, who was always curious to know if he was mentioned in my will, I say "Hi, Charles"
Mr. Smith is on vacation with his wife and mother-in-law in Jerusalem
One day, his mother-in-law dies quite suddenly. An undertaker proposes to bury the deceased there in Jerusalem.
'No, thank you,' says Mr. Smith. 'I'd rather have the body shipped back to New York.'
'But why not?' asks the undertaker. 'Shipping a body is expensive, and I could organise a beautiful ceremony here...'
'Look, sir! We're talking about my mother-in-law... Two thousand years ago, they buried a young man here who was resurrected three days later; I'm not taking any chances!'
"Awww... your baby is cute!"
...I said to a woman with a stroller one day.
"How old is he?" I asked.
"Well, my friend, little Johnny here is 18 months old!" she replied, motioning to her baby. "Also, I'm sorry to bother you, but what time is it?"
"Sure. It's eighty-three thousand, four hundred thirty-two seconds past midnight."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A beautiful blonde walks up to a craps table...
She bets ten thousand on one roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel luckier when I'm n**...."
She strips down and rolls the dice. When she sees the dice she jumps for joy screaming "I won! I won!" She hugs the dealers, takes her winnings and leaves.
Finally, one of the dealers asks, "What did she roll?" The other says, "I thought you were watching!"
It goes to show: Not all blondes are dumb, but men will always be men.
I just watched a film where a man's wife is brutally murdered and his son is left physically disabled...
...Then in a twisted turn of events, his son is kidnapped and he has to chase the kidnapper thousands of miles with the help of a mentally disabled woman.
Finding Nemo is a real thriller!
TIL that back in the 1940s, as a result of failed communications between engineers and builders, the Soviet Union built thousands of submarines based on recalled 1850s schematics, resulting in millions of dollars in military funding being wasted.
Whoops, wrong sub.
During the Vietnam war, if you reported one communist...
You would win one thousand dollars.
If you reported 2 communists, you would win 2 thousands dollars.
If you reported 3 communists, you would go to jail because you knew too many communists.
I almost bought a pen because it wrote underwater, but the biggest selling point for me was...
It wrote thousands of other words!
A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor
A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor. (Russian Joke)
P: "Doc, I just can't fall asleep. Thousands of thoughts enter my mind and I stay awake through the night."
Doc: "here take (MiraLax - or alternative strong laxative) and it should help you"
P:" will this help me fall asleep?
Doc: "No, but you will only have one thing on your mind"
Sorry, translated this from Russian, may not be as funny in English
Right before colliding with an iceberg...
The captain of the Titanic got ready to make an announcement:
"Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Fun fact, this ship weighs about 52 thousand kilograms. I'm gonna let that sink in..."
A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed as it left a New York publishing house last Thursday.
According to the Associated Press,
witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied,
confused, punchy, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered,
mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, flabbergasted,
astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, boggled,
overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, and perplexed.
There was once a robot whose job it was to organize all the shelves of a massive library that had thousands of books. Every day he did his job without missing a beat. One day though, he didn't show up to work. The librarians were all perplexed that a robot would do something like that...
Turns out he had become shelf aware.
Imagine how someone from a thousand years ago would respond if you told them that in the future there will be giant metal birds that fly people around the world?
Don't you mean across?
A Guy walks in an Irish Pub
I guy on vacation in Ireland walks into a pub and says
"I hear you Irish can drink, I'll give a thousand bucks
to the guy who can drink 10 pints of Guinness in under 5 minutes"
Everyone is quiet but one of the Irishmen gets up and leaves.
In a few minutes the Irishmen walks back in and says
"Line me up 10 pints of Guinness" and he drinks them in 4 minutes flat.
As the guy is paying him the $1000 he asks the Irishmen
"If ya dont mind me askin, when you left earlier, where'd ya go"
The Irishmen says "I had to go to the pub next door
cuz I wanted to make sure I could do it"
Thousands of crates of moisturizer were reported stolen today
... Police looking for a smooth criminal
A priest dies and goes to the gates of Heaven
The priest approaches the bouncer aka St. Peter.
After perusing the list, Peter can't find the priest's name, and tells him to go downstairs to the waiting room until further notice.
Meanwhile, a taxi driver who died at the same time approached the gates.
St. Peter welcomes him with open arms and lets him straight into Heaven.
The priest is dumbfounded. I've preached to thousands of people throughout my life! I've baptized children and converted many to the church! I've lived a holy life!
St. Peter shakes his head and responds:
When you preached, people slept...
When he drove, people prayed.
A business owner is interviewing an attractive young lady...
A business owner is interviewing to hire a bookkeeper, and in walks an attractive young lady. To make sure that she understands money and math, he asks her "If I were to give you ten thousand dollars, minus 15%, how much would you take off?"
She thinks a moment and answers "Everything but my earrings!"
What does BOAT stand for joke
Bankruptcy On A Trailer.
Break Out Another Thousand.
Blow Out Another Thousand.
Bring Over Another Thousand.
Jesus and Buddha are sitting in Heaven.
Buddha: "I should've made one of those rules where people aren't allowed to depict me."
Jesus: "Why?"
Buddha: "They keep making me look fat!"
Jesus: "Tell me about it. I've been a blond white guy for two thousand years!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face. The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened...
"Well, the first body is a Frenchman, 60, who died of heart failure while making love to his mistress, hence the enormous smile." says the coroner.
"Second body's a Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars in the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
"Ok, so what about the third body?"
"Ah!" says the coroner. "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the r**... from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is *he* smiling then?"
"He thought he was having his picture taken."
Three rich guys bury a friend
First throws a thousand bucks into the coffin, saying "I want you to never need anything in the next life".
Second one, richer than the first, throws 5000 behind it.
All look to the third who is even richer than the other two. He writes a check over 100 grand, throws it in the coffin and remarks "Cash it if you need any".
The bidding was proceeding furiously when the Head Auctioneer suddenly announced, A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing ten thousand dollars.
If returned, he has agreed to pay a reward of two thousand dollars!
There was a moment's silence in the auction house and from the back of the room came a shout, Two thousand five hundred!
What do you get when a few thousand terrorists take over the Capitol?
Excuse me, they are called protesters.
In honour of my first cake day, here's a few of my favourite riddles. Feel free to try them on your friends.
Q: What gets bigger, the more you take away from it?
A: A hole
Q: What two words have thousands of letters in them?
A: Post office
Q: The maker doesn't want it, the buyer doesn't use it and the user doesn't see it. What is it?
A: A coffin
Q: What travels all over the world, but stays in the corner?
A: A stamp
Q: What runs all around a field, but doesn't move?
A: A fence
Q: What starts with E, ends with e and only has one letter in it?
A: Envelope
Tell a woman she's beautiful a thousand times and she'll still act like she's never heard it before. Call a woman fat once and she'll always remember.
Because elephants never forget.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I saw a crippled man in a wheelchair at a gas station once.
He bought a couple of scratch off lottery tickets, scratched the surface with his coin, and shouted with glee, I won ten thousand dollars! . Well I was broke, and I needed gas money to get to my shift at work. I asked the crippled man, excuse me sir? Is there any possible way I could have ten dollars, just to put into my gas tank so I can get to work? The crippled man stared deeply at me and said, you can have your ten dollars when you pry them from my cold dead hands.
And that's the story of how I got ten thousand dollars.
If you ever feel useless... Just remember that
If you ever feel useless...
Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, Trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with...
the Taliban
An ancient Chinese joke, at least a thousand years old.
A man visits his sick friend, and finds him to now be well and energetic. "How wonderful!", his friend says, "What happened?". "Dr. Chang is the cause of my health.", he says gratefully. "Dr. Chang, what did he do?". "Well, Dr. Li came and gave me a special diet. And I got sicker. Then Dr. Wong came and gave me bitter herbs, and I got even worse. On death's door I called for Dr. Chang." "And what did Dr. Chang do?", his friend asks in wonder. The man replies happily, "Dr. Chang did the best of all, he didn't come, so I got well!"
Old Finnish ww2 joke
Finnish general Adolf Ehrnrooth was visiting in England after the World War II.
British general asked him how many Russian troops were stationed in Finland.
"A few hundred thousand" answered Ehrnrooth.
"Where in Finland are they stationed?" The British general asked.
Ehrnrooth answered: "Two meters underground around the border."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three racehorses were standing in a field.
One says, you know, I've won ten races in my life.
And I've won twenty races! Brags the second horse.
The third horse is much older then them both. He says, That's nothing! I've won fifty races!
Suddenly they all hear laughing, and they turn their heads to see a greyhound trotting through the field.
Amateurs! The dog laughs. I've been in a thousand races, and I've won all of them!
The horses are all shocked. As the dog strolls past them, they stare in silence. Then the old horse says, Holy s**...! a talking dog!
Not sure if that one has already been here, if so - I apologize
A man drives his car on the highway, when he hears the following traffic warning on the radio "Drivers, be careful there is a wrong way driver coming on the highway 9 in the direction of Berlin."
"Whaat?", shouts out the man to himself. "One?? More like a thousand of them!!"
A Russian comes home after fishing trip
A Russian comes home after fishing trip and hears the news that Russia is at war. He asks another Russian what is going on, and he tells him:
"We are at war with NATO!"
"Oh wow, how many troops have been lost?"
"Well, we have lost 45,000 troops, almost 2000 tanks, a thousand artillery pieces, several hundred helicopters and aircraft, several generals have been captured, our economy is in shambles, and the Moskva was sunk.
"And NATO?"
"NATO hasn't showed up yet."
Judge
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. Isn't it true, he bellowed, that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.
The prosecutor again blared, Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, Sir, please answer the question.
Oh, the startled witness said, I thought he was talking to you.
A collector of rare books ran into a friend who told him he had just thrown out an old Bible that he had found in a dusty old box.
The collector's friend mentioned that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed the Bible.
"You don't mean Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.
"Yes, that was it!"
"You fool! You've thrown out one of the first books ever printed! A copy was recently auctioned off for hundreds of thousands of dollars!"
"Oh, I doubt this book would be worth even nearly as much. Some dude named Martin Luther scribbled all over the margins."
Doctor, a man told his psychiatrist, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages.
That's nonsense, said the psychiatrist. I like sausages myself.
You do! the man shrieked. You should come and see my collection I've got thousands!
Who was first in Transylvania?
Thousands of years ago, the ancestor of the Hungarians Attila the Hun came to Transylvania.
He saw a beautiful lake, left his gilded armor, his Damascus sword and his white stallion on the shore and went for a swim.
When he got out of the lake - armor was gone, sword was gone and the horse was nowhere to be found.
Now you tell me - who were the first in Transylvania, Romanians or Hungarians?
(Romanian joke :-) )
Two old jews are talking in Odessa.
-What's the news?
-Have you not heard? There is a war!
-who is fighting?
-Russia says it is at war with NATO.
-How's is it going?
-70,000 Russians are dead, they have lost thousands of tanks, used up most of their missiles, and their economy is collapsing.
-and NATO?
-NATO hasn't shown up yet.
Cr
Thousands of people have made it to the finals of the world limbo championship
Apparently the bar was set too high
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You can paint a thousand paintings and not be called an artist...
You can run a thousand marathons and not be called an athlete...
You can cook a thousand meals and not be called a chef.
But as soon as you kill ONE PERSON...
Man with half an orange for a head
A guy walks into a bar. Half of his head is a giant orange. The bartender goes, "OH MY GOD, YOUR HEAD IS A GIANT ORANGE!"
Out of his half-mouth, the guy says, "Yeah, yeah, I know. Pour me a shot and I'll explain."
Confused, the bartender pours the guy a shot. The guy downs it and asks for another, then begins his story:
"When I was a young man I travelled the world: Egypt, China, Arabia, everywhere. One day I found a magic lamp and a genie granted me 3 wishes.
'Really?' I said. 'Anything?'
'Anything,' said the genie.
'Okay,' I said. 'First wish... I wish I had a wallet that always had a thousand dollars in it.'
'Granted,' said the genie."
"Wait, wait," interrupts the bartender. "You don't expect me to believe that?"
"Are you kidding? My head's a fucking orange!" snaps the man with the orange head. But just to prove it, he pulls out a worn wallet and slaps ten $100 notes on the bar. The bartender shuts up and the guy with the orange head continues.
"For my second wish, I asked to be irresistible to women."
"Bullshit," says the bartender.
The guy looks across the bar at a beautiful woman he's never met and says, "Hey, baby, want to go home with me tonight?"
The woman squeals with delight, nods, rushes over, buys him a drink, and hangs off him lovingly. She doesn't even seem to notice that half of his head is a piece of fruit. Awed, the bartender pours another round, and asks in a hushed voice, "So... your face... your head... the third wish?"
The man nods and downs another shot of whiskey.
"What happened?" whispered the bartender, leaning forward.
"For my third wish..." whispers the man. "...I wished... that half of my head... were a giant orange."
