The Best 60 Thoughts Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Thoughts jokes. There are some thoughts aspirations jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these thoughts food for thought puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Thoughts Jokes and Puns

I told my Therapist that I was having gay thoughts. He asked exactly what was wrong.

I told him I couldn't think straight.

Deep Thoughts

Do you think that, when two police officers are having sex, they appreciate the fact that they are copulating?

Don't Bullshit Your Mother

Mrs. Rabin comes to visit her son Bernie for dinner.

He lives with a female roommate, Elaine. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Bernie's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Bernie and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Bernie volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Elaine and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Elaine came to Bernie saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote an email:

*Dear Mom
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Your Loving Son
Bernie*

Several days later, Bernie received a response email from his Mom which read:

*Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Elaine, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mother*

Thoughts joke, Don't Bullshit Your Mother

I'm starting to have second thoughts about the hotel room I booked at the Indian Casino this weekend.

simply put, I'm having reservations about my reservation on the reservation.

I'm having second thoughts about booking time to visit an Indian community.

I guess I'm having reservation reservation reservations.


My thoughts on MTV's "Teen Mom" being cancelled.

MTV has cancelled "Teen Mom".


At least MTV knows when to pull out.

I've been having really dark thoughts lately,

Thoughts joke, I've been having really dark thoughts lately,

A man comes to a doctor and says...

— Help me, please, I can't fall asleep. Every time I go to bed there are a million thoughts in my head...

— I see, — replies the doctor, — I'll prescribe you a laxative.

— Will it help me fall asleep?

— Probably not but there sure will be only one thought on your mind.

I was going to consider brief units of time

but now I'm having second thoughts.

Sometimes in the mornings I have dirty thoughts about a dead girlfriend

Mourning wood

I just found out that the guy who stole my journal has died.

My thoughts are with his family.

You can explore thoughts intentions reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean thoughts a woman thoughts on life dad jokes. There are also thoughts puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


You know, Nikola Tesla was famous for changing his mind.

In fact, when his colleagues would ask his opinion on a subject he would often just reply, "Oh, I don't know. My thoughts on the matter are alternating currently."

I've had second thoughts about masturbation...

On one hand, it feels great. On the other hand, you don't feel a thing.

I don't have shower thoughts. They're against my religion.

I'm a Bathtist.

On second thoughts, Jared Fogle and Subway are pretty similar.

I mean, both stick 38 year old meat into 10 year old buns.

Why do you always follow your instinct when doing trigonometry?

Beacuse you might have secant thoughts and go off on a tangent

Thoughts joke, Why do you always follow your instinct when doing trigonometry?

I once tried to write a book about my thoughts

But there's only so much you can put in a suicide note.

I used to have a student who suffered from suicidal thoughts

but now I don't.

Just been informed the man who stole my journal has died.

My thoughts are with his family.


Kanye West was hospitalized...

Our thoughts and prayers go out to the hospital staff at this difficult time.

How does Kurt Cobain collect his thoughts?

With a mop.

My wife was feeling down...

So i pulled a piece of pasta from my pocket, handed it to her, and asked "penne for your thoughts?" Now I'm divorced and without a home for telling a fusili pasta jokes.

What is it called when you're having second thoughts about booking a room at a Native American casino?

A reservation reservation reservation.

My friend ask me for my thoughts on Communism

I told him, "I will not share."

A man robs a bank to get away from his wife...

As he sat on the steps of the bank waiting for the police to come he was relieved with thoughts of never having to see his wife again.

Later In the court room waiting for his ruling, he was excited to finally be somewhere far far away from her.

Seeing this the judge thought of the worst possible sentence that he can give him.

He was given 2 years house arrest.

Why it's important to have second thoughts

Wait, never mind.

A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor

A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor. (Russian Joke)

P: "Doc, I just can't fall asleep. Thousands of thoughts enter my mind and I stay awake through the night."
Doc: "here take (MiraLax - or alternative strong laxative) and it should help you"
P:" will this help me fall asleep?
Doc: "No, but you will only have one thing on your mind"

Sorry, translated this from Russian, may not be as funny in English

What's the difference between the lost city of Atlantis and Florida?

About 3 days

In all honesty though, my thoughts and good wishes go out to the people of Florida,

Many people can't fall asleep due to some obsessive thoughts.

Been thinking about this all night.

I don't know the meaning of the word "quit." I was going to look it up, but...

I still have some suicidal thoughts, but most of them have already killed themselves.

I'm a perfectionist. I've been writing and rewriting a suicide note for twelve years. It's killing me.

My friend asked, Must you write so many suicide jokes?
Don't worry. I'll stop soon.

Penises are the lightest objects in the world.

Even thoughts can raise them.

I call my ex-wife 'Cerebellum,'

rarely in my thoughts, yet always there at the back of my mind.

In light of the Net Neutrality debate, I want to say something to support my American friends.

Thoughts and prayers.

Quaker home defense

one night john had come home for the day, exhausted from being plain and keeping thoughts to himself and went straight to bed. During the night someone broke in and this roused him from his sleep. leaping into action john grabbed his musket and charged downstairs. upon meeting the robber he leveled his musket and yelled

"friend I don't mean to alarm you but you're standing between me and where I want to shoot"

A woman asked me earlier today what my thoughts on abortion were...

I told her, on one hand, I support it because it kills children, but on the other, it gives women a choice.

As a man, I've renamed my nipples Thoughts and Prayers.

...because they're useless.

I called the suicide hotline in Iraq. I told the operator that lately I've been having suicidal thoughts.

Operator: "Great! Can you drive a truck?"

The thief that stole my diary and my Bible died today.

My thoughts and prayers are with his family.

The large Chinese army would be a lot more intimidating....

....if their weapons weren't made in China.

(I really didn't know whether this belonged here or in shower thoughts)

Me: Nothing's going well in my life.

Friend: Think positive thoughts! You ll feel better.

Me: | Nothing's going well in my life. |

Me and my twin brother are 20 years old and never had a job or girlfriend.

Today my dad said if he knew we would have turned out so useless he would have named us thoughts and prayers.

Any thoughts why?

I thought that opening doors for ladies is a polite thing, but when I o'ened one up for this grandma she started shouting and flew out of the plane for some reason

What do you call the Mental Health class at Hogwarts?

Defence against the Dark Thoughts.

Hitler' bodyguard was guarding his bedroom door.

A guy walks up to him and asks, "How do you like being Hitler's bodyguard?". The bodyguard replies, "It's okay, but I am starting to have second thoughts. The guy says, "Why is that?". The bodyguard responds, "Well all these time travelers from the future keep coming back to try to kill him".

My coworker was noodling on an idea

So I offered her a penne for her thoughts

The guy who stole my diary has died.

My thoughts are with his family.

Somebody asked me about my thoughts on Assassin's Creed III...

I told him that it's a pretty revolutionary game.

I finally told my therapist I was having suicidal thoughts

He said I have to start paying in advance

Multiplying by zero is just suicide in math: you don't really get a solution, but the problem goes away.

Shower thoughts didn't like it, but maybe you will

If you're having second thoughts about dinner plans on tribal lands... I guess you're having...

Reservations about reservations on the reservation.

I can never come up with shower thoughts....

As soon as the water hits me, I feel the pressure.

A coworker asked me my thoughts on Disband the Police ...

I told him I don't really listen to them much, but I enjoyed their album Synchronicity.

Just saw "Cheers: The Musical"

My Thoughts? A little too much Danson.



Also, some of the acting was woody.

Don't criticize someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes...

...that way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away and have their shoes.

-Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

What do Christians do when they have a surplus of thoughts and prayers?

They force schools to reopen.

I told my family I would cut my hair at the end of the pandemic, but I'm having second thoughts...

It's growing on me.

I told my psychologist I'm having suicidal thoughts.

He's making me pay in advance now.

Instead of a swear jar, I started a negativity jar. Every time I think negative thoughts, I throw money in.

It's half empty.

My coworker is convinced that the government has implanted a microchip in his brain, and is controlling his thoughts.

I told him it's all in his head.

I told my therapist I've been having suicidal thoughts

He now makes me pay in advance

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the thoughts mural jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working thoughts predictions piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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